Fiona had kept her word somewhat. She brought food for Stevie each day. Each day Stevie tossed up whether to eat it or not. She thought of the baby, and that she needed to keep her strength up. But crazy thoughts entered her mind. Perhaps the food was poisoned. And knowing Fiona, it really didn't seem so crazy. Deciding she would rather take her chances starving to death and hope that someone found her, she pushed the food aside.
The darkness was getting to her. She wondered if the sun was shining outside. She had long ago lost track of the time. Everything was so still and quiet and dark. Strange thoughts entered her mind, maybe she was dead. That thought didn't scare her as much as she thought it should. She really just wanted to do was close her eyes and never wake up. She tried to remind herself of the baby, that the baby needed her. That she couldn't give up and die here like this. She placed her hand protectively on her stomach. It didn't seem real sometimes that a baby was growing inside of her. She tried to picture him, that perfect little baby in her arms. She tried to make it real. If he was real then she couldn't give up. Her baby needed her to fight.
She tried to stay strong, and turned her thoughts to Alex. In her dreams she heard him calling to her. In her dreams he had come looking for her. In her dreams he saved her. She felt his arms around her, and those arms felt so real. She was always startled to wake and find it was just a cruel dream.
She tried to tell herself to be patient.
He's coming.
But her patience was wearing thin. She couldn't stand much more of this. How hard could it be for him to find her anyway, she was on his very property. It wouldn't take long at all, she decided...
...are you even looking for me Alex?
His words rang in her ears, words of how much he loved her, of how he would never give up on her. It wasn't so long ago.
You've given up already
She decided she couldn't blame him for giving up after the way she had been treating him. But then why had he said all those things to her?
Empty words
She rejected him over and over. Why would he bother with her now? Why should he care if Fiona locked her up for the rest of her life, or left her to die here in this shed? Why should he give a second thought to her, or to a baby that isn't even his? There was no reason for him to care, no reason for her to believe him when he said he did. But it hurt her to let go of that dream. It was all that kept her sane at times. So she kept dreaming.
She dreamed of Alex coming to save her. She dreamed of her precious daughter Rose. She dreamed of that perfect little baby in her arms. She tried to hold on to these dreams. But it proved impossible and her dreams turned into nightmares.
In her dreams she would look down to that perfect baby in her arms. And suddenly the door to the shed would fling open. It would be Alex she told herself. But it wasn't.
Sometimes it was Michelle, sometimes Fiona, sometimes Trent. Each time they would snatch the baby from her arms. She tried to hold on to him. She tried with everything in her. She tried to fight for her baby, for Rose, for everything that gave meaning to her life. But she lost.
Those dreams were awful. But the one that terrified her more than the others was the one of Alex...
... She sat chained to the wall. The baby was in her arms. He was crying. She tried to comfort him. Above the noise of his cries she thought she heard something. Alex. He had come for her. He flung the door open. Tears of relief fell down her cheeks. She looked at him for the longest time. He was here. He was really, finally here. He had come to save her. To save their baby. They would be together again, a family. He slowly walked towards her, bending down to her level. He was so close. She felt his soft skin as his hand brushed against hers. His touch was as soft and sweet as that of the precious baby lying in her arms. The baby stopped crying in that moment. It happened so quickly from that point. Alex reached out and took the baby from her arms. Neither Alex nor the baby made a sound. Alex turned his back to her, walking out of the shed, the door slamming behind him. ...
Stevie woke screaming his name.
As frightening as these dreams were, she woke feeling closer to her baby than ever. The baby had begun to seem real to her during this time locked away. She began talking to him, whispering that it would be ok, that she would always look after him. She would never leave him. Maybe Rose wouldn't ever forgive her; maybe Alex would never come to save her. But it would be ok; it had to be ok, because this baby was counting on her.
But even the baby wasn't the perfect anchor to hold on to. What kind of a mother could she be anyway? What kind of a mother had she been to Rose? What kind of mother would let herself get into this mess, locked in an abandoned shed to die all alone?
It's not my fault, Fiona did this.
But she had followed Fiona here. Fiona hadn't forced her; she willingly walked right into the situation.
I 'm the one who put my baby in danger.
She tried to just
picture this perfect little baby, longing to hold him in her arms.
In her vision she stood rocking him back and forth in her arms.
She then lay him down in the cold dark shed. She turned and left him
there, crying all alone in the dark.
I abandoned him, just like Rose
And just like Rose maybe he too would grow up hating her. She supposed she deserved it. Other thoughts crept up on her as she imagined herself staring into that beautiful little baby's eyes.
I killed his father
Accidentally, and in self defence, she tried to keep things in perspective. But how could she look that baby in the eye knowing what she had done. What kind of a mother could she be to him? She had nothing to offer him.
...Just like Rose.
What about those times she had recklessly endangered the baby's life. That day at the pub when she had tried to stop Alex and Lawrence fighting.
I wasn't thinking
She thought back to that day, of throwing herself in-between the two men without a second thought for her own safety, or the life growing inside of her. She thought over the image again. This time she saw herself and Jodi enter the pub. This time she wasn't pregnant, but holding her precious baby in her arms. She saw the men fighting and again rushed forward to break up the fight. As Lawrence pushed his fist forward into her head, she dropped the baby from her arms. He lay lifeless on the floor. So small, so innocent. Her baby, her son.
I killed him too, just like I killed his father.
And what about that time she overdosed on those pills and Kate and Jodi had found her.
I didn't know I was pregnant then...
She tried to justify it in her mind, but no excuse seemed to hold.
She thought back to that day. Of that feeling of hopelessness. She wasn't thinking clearly. Only that she wanted to sleep, just to sleep peacefully for once and not be haunted by those images of Trent. She slowly opened the pill bottle, and one by one swallowed those pills until she drifted to sleep. She thought nothing of what might happen to her as a result. She gave no consideration to the harm it could do to that precious baby. She didn't even have any idea the baby existed. Again she relived this moment, but this time she wasn't pregnant. This time the baby lay on the bed beside her. He was so content and so peaceful. Slowly she opened the pill bottle. She swallowed the first pill. She reached for another, and this time forced it down her baby's throat. She watched him fight for breath and then stop breathing beside her.
I killed him too, just like I killed his father.
Rose had called several times over the last few days. Tess had always taken the calls, telling Rose very vaguely that Stevie wasn't around at the moment, or couldn't come to the phone, and then adding she was very busy and had to go. Alex knew eventually he should say something to Rose. He was the reason that she was calling after all. He was pretty much expecting it wouldn't go well.
"Hi Alex" Rose had sounded so happy to hear his voice.
"Hey kiddo" He tried to sound cheerful, and act like everything was ok.
"It's not that I don't want to talk to you, but can I talk to Stevie?" She sounded so eager to speak to her mother. He was so angry in that moment at Stevie for not being here.
"She's not here at the moment." Alex answered.
"Yeah, she's never around lately. So where is she then?" Rose asked.
"I'm not exactly sure." Alex answered.
"You're not sure?" Rose repeated "What do you mean?"
Alex had thought over the ways to explain things to Rose, there didn't really seem a way to do it. He had hoped he wouldn't have to.
"Tell me the truth Alex" Rose continued. "You're the only one who never lied to me."
He couldn't lie to her, he knew that already. "The thing is Rose; well I guess she just needed some time alone for a few days."
"So she just took off without even telling you where she was going?" Rose asked.
"Well..." Alex started. That was exactly what she had done, but hearing Rose say it like that made it sound so awful.
"Never mind, I see." Rose interrupted him.
"Look Rose..." He began, not entirely sure how he would continue.
Rose interrupted him again "It's ok, you don't have to make excuses for her. That's what she's been doing her whole life. Whenever things get too hard she just runs away leaving other people to pick up after her. She never gives a second thought to the people she leaves behind. She never cared about me Alex. She doesn't care about you either so I wouldn't waste your time on her anymore. She only cares about herself, and that baby. The rest of us never mattered."
Rose hung up before Alex could protest that it wasn't like that. He figured Rose wouldn't take much notice of anything he said anyway, but he would have liked to try. He'd been so proud of himself going to see her, and so happy that he had got through to her, making her realise that things were not like Michelle painted them to be. And all that just went up in smoke. Stevie would have a fight on her hands when she got back, trying to restore that fragile relationship that had once again been shattered. He hoped she would be back soon. The longer she stayed away the more Rose would turn against her. The longer she stayed away the more he would lose his mind worrying about her. He was so angry at her in that moment, for making him worry like this, for the message it sent to Rose.
According to Tess, Stevie hadn't taken much with her, and Alex took that as a good sign. Maybe she just needed some time and space for a few days. That's what Tess had decided. But why hadn't she told anyone where she was or even that she was leaving?
She did tell me. I was supposed to go with her. I was supposed to take her away.
Silently he scolded himself that he hadn't paid more attention to what she had said, that he hadn't been around that day to stop her from leaving, or to go with her.
But why hadn't she called to say she was ok? Why hadn't she even called Rose?
Maybe she isn't ok
How'd she even get away from here, she didn't even take her car.
She's not alone.
If she wasn't alone that could mean only one thing.
She's with him
Lawrence. How could she go away with him?
Well it is his baby.
That thought hit Alex hard. He had come to think of it as his baby, as his family. But it was all a delusion.
The baby isn't mine...Stevie isn't even mine...She doesn't want me...Doesn't want me to love her, doesn't want me to take care of her, doesn't want me to find her.
Stevie woke suddenly, thinking she had heard a noise outside. For a moment she sat still, straining her ears to listen. She heard it again, someone was out there. Her first thought was that it was Alex. She screamed out loudly for help.
In response to her cries she heard Fiona yell back at her to shut up.
Her heart sank as she realised it was just Fiona she had heard. She waited for Fiona to come inside the shed with her daily offering of food. She tried to stay hopeful, this time she would try to convince Fiona to let her go. But Fiona didn't come. Everything remained quite for a moment. Then she heard a loud banging noise, followed by the sound of someone screaming, then a gun shot, and then she heard Fiona's eerie voice. "Well well well, what have we here?"
