Study of the Heart

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Chapter 29

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"I knew this would happen eventually." Tsunade dropped her eyes to her desk and began shuffling paperwork dismissively. Sakura knew better than to be impatient with her teacher. Tsunade sometimes liked to rub in her power and test people's tempers, and while she was boiling internally, Sakura could separate herself enough from this to keep her face calm.

This went on for a long time. She went through papers, scribbling notes or signing them, and eventually she looked up, as though she didn't realize there was someone still there. She blinked at Sakura, and reached into a lower drawer, pulling out her sake bottle and cup. She poured a small amount and sipped it, looking at Sakura thoughtfully over the rim of the cup. Sakura schooled her features. She knew better than to show any sort of reaction or emotion at this crucial juncture. Soon, Tsunade would speak.

"You're a good student." She finally said. "And you're one of the best medic-nin this village has ever had. I know you're not interested in this," her arm swept around the office. "But you may very well end up on the hospital board, and if you're here at that age, and you've evened out, maybe even the village council." Sakura tried not to flush at the compliments, but she could feel blood in her cheeks, and Tsunade chuckled. "Wouldn't you be better off without distractions? Sai's not really going to help your career."

"I believe Naruto has the right side of this." Sakura answered stolidly. "He's willing to risk his dream of being Hokage so that he can be with the one he loves. I don't feel like there's anything wrong with that. It would be nice to do all those things, I suppose, but if I had to make a choice, it would be to be happy in love."

"I thought you were never going to forgive him." Tsunade commented. "That's what you told me the last time this topic came up."

"I'm still young, Tsunade-sama, and my temper got the better of me. Even if we can't ever be together again, it isn't fair of me to banish him from his home. It isn't fair to him, and it isn't fair to the village that needs him."

"Hmm," Tsunade downed the last of her cup and poured more, casting her eyes over her paperwork, as though she was going to ignore Sakura for another period of time. "Fine, we'll send out another search party for Sai. Hopefully it will be a bit more successful this time. He could be anywhere by now. Could have gone across the sea, or could be dead."

"He's not dead." Sakura couldn't stop herself denying it in a sharp tone. "I know he's not dead."

"Just wanting something doesn't make it true." Tsunade told her student in a dry tone. "Now go away."

"I'm sorry," Sakura bowed slightly. "But did you want me to choose the rest of my party, or did you have people in mind?"

"What?" Tsunade looked up at her in confusion as though she had no idea what Sakura was referring to at first. She blinked at her student again and took a sip of the sake. "Oh, yes. No, I'll choose the party."

"Thank you very much, Tsunade-sama." Sakura bowed deeper this time, trying to hold back her smile. "This means the world to me. When shall I return to meet with the rest of the team?"

"No need." Tsunade responded, now looking at her paperwork again. "You won't be on the team."

"What?!" Sakura clapped her hands to her mouth as soon as the exclamation escaped and Tsunade, instead of looking enraged, smiled knowingly at her.

"Your temper, Sakura, is one of your greatest weaknesses if you ever hope to be a really great ninja." Tsunade told her. "And that temper is exactly the reason I'm not sending you. Who knows what you'll do when you find Sai? You could beat the crap out of him and send him away for ten years for all I know. Remember, he's been gone over a year now. Anything could have happened. Just because you're single doesn't mean he is. He could be married, even. I'm not sending a search party out to kill one of my best ninja. He didn't defect, he was henpecked out of the village."

"Hen…henpecked?" Sakura felt like she was going to faint. This was the most unfair thing that she had ever heard. "But…but you can't send them without me! I'm the reason he left! If I don't tell him it's okay to come back, he might refuse to return!"

"You think I can't find four ninja that could subdue him?" Tsunade raised an eyebrow in skepticism. "Interesting. Very well, you can write him a brief letter. Something like 'You can come back now, I'm not mad, signed Sakura.' That should help if there's any resistance."

"That's so…" Sakura couldn't believe how unfair this was. Why was Tsunade refusing her the right to fix her own problems? "But…I'm the one who did this! I should be the one to bring him back."

"Hn," Tsunade shrugged. "I don't know about that."

"But…when Sasuke left, you sent Naruto and I because we were the ones who could make him want to come back!" Sakura contested.

"You and Naruto didn't tell him to go to Orochimaru in the first place." Tsunade told her. "And anyway, Naruto's devotion to Sasuke is something no one could doubt. No one could really stand up against him when he really wants something that badly."

"But…are you saying I'm not—"

"That's enough." Tsunade held out a parchment. "Sign this." Sakura stumbled forward and saw it contained the words Tsunade had just suggested for her letter to Sai. "The party will carry it, and everything will be fine. I suggest you go home and think about something else in the mean time."

"What else can I think of?" Sakura asked, but Tsunade was done with her. She felt utterly defeated. She signed her name and left the office, feeling as though she would have never expected that to be the resolution of her request.

I shouldn't have even asked. I should have gone off by myself in the first place. I always follow the rules, always do what everyone tells me to. Even now, when it's so important to me, I couldn't really stand up for myself.

Sakura felt unbearably bitter as she reached her home and looked around the apartment that had once been Sai's. If he did come back, where would he live now? She knew now that she had hoped they would have a happy reunion, and that there would be no problem with them moving in together right away. She wanted things to go back to what they had been before his mission in the Sand. Was that so much to ask?

I want to be the one to find him and bring him back. I owe him that, after all this time.

She looked around her apartment and took a deep breath, her heart beating wildly as she hefted her bag up out of a chair and began packing.

This time, I'll disobey orders. I don't care what happens. I have to do this for myself.

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Sakura felt better than she had in a long time as she walked the road that led away from Konoha. She might not be a tracker, and she might not have the first idea of where Sai might be, but she was clever, and she was determined. She had no clues, no leads at all yet, but she was sure that Sai had not spent the last year alone in the wild. He was among people, she thought, and she would ask everyone until she found his trail. Feeling more excited than ever, she took to the trees, leaping quickly from one to the next. There was a village no far from here, and he might even be there.

She felt a delicious tingling of power. She rarely broke the rules, and she had never gone against anything Tsunade had said before. Part of her was afraid of what would happen when she got back, but she knew that if she found Sai, it would be worth it.

For so long, she had let life happen without struggling, letting all the pieces fall where they might. But starting today, Sakura promised herself she'd remember this feeling. She'd remember what it meant to be in control of her destiny, and to feel good about making her own choices, even if it was scary.

When she reached the village, she began asking about whether anyone had seen someone of Sai's description. She didn't get much response, but she wasn't discouraged. He wasn't someone she could forget, and she was sure she would find someone who had seen him soon.

At first she worried that she would have to evade Leaf ninja searching for her as well, but after a few weeks, that worry began to fade into confusion. Why wasn't anyone looking for her? It made her nervous that she would be ambushed as soon as she let her guard down, and while she was having a relatively good time, and she was sure she was doing the right thing, she kept that alert feeling. She wondered if this had been something like what Sasuke had felt, knowing he'd made the right decision, focused on his mission, but always aware of the possibility of being captured and forcibly dragged home.

Always, she was looking for Sai, longing to see him, keeping her ears and eyes open for some hint of him.

When she finally got a lead, she felt more excited than ever, and even though the trail was four months old, she was sure she would find him in a few more weeks, or a month at the most. She'd already been gone over a month and a half already, so she was pleased that she'd finally picked up his trail.

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Sai woke feeling a pang in his chest, as he sometimes did. He opened his eyes and was disappointed, but unsurprised, to find himself alone. Sometimes he imagined his exile was a dream, and that he would wake up next to Sakura. Sometimes he feared instead that his time with her had been the dream, but he could not let himself sink into despair. After all, he had many interesting experiences in his travels, and he felt he had learned much more about the world, himself, and people in general.

But it still hurt to know that Sakura was in Konoha, and but for his promise, he could easily go to see her. He always knew exactly what direction his home was in, and he often felt sorely tempted to sneak in and check on her secretly before sneaking away again, but it was too easy to imagine himself being caught, and then she would likely hate him all over again. He couldn't risk it.

Stretching and climbing out of bed, he went downstairs to see if the innkeeper might make him some breakfast, and he was surprised when she caught him on the stairs and pulled him into the kitchen, her manner extremely secretive and urgent.

"There's a girl here asking about you." She hissed. "Came in last night, gave your description. She's a ninja, I can see from how she's dressed, and after how you saved my husband from those thugs, I didn't want to risk anything bad happening to you, so I told her I'd seen you pass through a while back. I didn't know if she was your enemy or your friend, so I wasn't sure—"

"What does she look like?" Sai grabbed the woman by the shoulders, and she was struck speechless. "When was she here?"

"She…she's here now." the woman looked slightly confused. "She's in another room. I locked her in, so if there was any trouble with her being here—"

"What does she look like?" Sai repeated vehemently.

"Ah…just about this tall," she held up her hand for him to see, pink hair, probably about your age—"

"Where is she now?" he turned and pulled her up the stairs, and the woman's eyes went wide as he stopped and turned to her with impatient expectance on his features. "Please!" his desperation finally processed with her, and she pointed to a door, fumbling to pull out her keys.

"I…I have it here. Is she out to get you?" the woman asked in a low tone.

"I hope so." Sai told her, bouncing on his heels as she unlocked the door. "I hope it's her."

"A friend?" she asked, still not sure as she backed away and he grabbed the door and flung it open to be greeted with a very surprised looking Sakura just climbing out of bed, still wearing pajamas.

"Sakura." He gasped the name like it was the sweetest sound to ever pass his lips, and she blinked at him, clearly not expecting this to happen. "Is it really you?"

"Sai?" she asked, her voice still rough from sleep, her hair falling haphazardly about her face as she stepped forward cautiously. "Sai…I came to tell you…to see you…I don't know! I thought when I saw you I would know, but now everything feels just as jumbled as it always did, and I don't know what I should do, I just…I knew I wanted to see you again, and here I am."

"You came to see me?" he asked, hardly daring to believe it could be true. "But…it's only been one year."

"And seven months." She pointed out. "And four days."

"I know…but you said…you told me I had to stay away." Sai had dreamed that he would see her again, but he had never thought he would see her so soon. He had dreamed of crossing paths with her while she was on a mission, but never thought she would seek him out.

"I'm sorry about that." Sakura flushed slightly. "It was too much to ask. What you did…what happened…it doesn't matter. If it was your fault or her fault or whatever. But it wasn't so bad that I should have just…I lost control. I want you to come back."

"You do?" he felt sure this was a dream, and any moment he would wake up. "Back to Konoha?"

"Of course," she flushed again and he strode forward so they could speak at a more comfortable distance. "It's your home, too. Everyone misses you."

"I missed you." He told her. "Every day I missed you, and I wanted to see you, to make it up to you."

"Don't worry about that." She reached out and he took her hand, holding his breath as he did so, as though he was afraid it might disappear. "Let's forget the past and just try to live right now, okay?"

"You are still as wise as I remember." Sai smiled slightly and she giggled, and because he just couldn't stand not to, he pulled her to him and kissed her soundly.

Out in the hall, the innkeeper shrugged and walked away as though nothing out of the ordinary had happened. "A friend, I guess."

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To be continued…