Edward was going insane.
In six weeks his life had changed more than he thought physically possible. If someone had told him that Isabella Swan was coming back into his life, and she was about to commandeer his heart, he would have laughed them out of town.
Somehow, though, it had happened. Bella came home and despite his best efforts, Edward fell for her all over again. Or maybe he had never really gotten over her. Either way it didn't matter – because now everything was messed up. He finally caught a glimpse of how wonderful life with Bella could be…and then it disappeared, as if it had only been a dream.
"Cullen! Your break's over. The third floor needs to be worked over."
Edward nodded at his boss, Miguel, and stood up to dump his tray. Miguel was pretty cool, as far as bosses went. Edward got all the shit jobs the first two weeks, but since his "initiation," things had gotten a lot better. There were two other guys that worked as janitors.
Technically, Edward was supposed to be doing clerical work, too, but Jason, one of the other janitors, had come down with the flu. Edward was basically taking over for him until he returned to work. He didn't really mind, though, because the work was easy and mindless. He thought about Bella a lot.
He hadn't come up with a way to win her back yet. In fact, he hardly got to see her anymore. Edward dropped his extra classes and was able to get an early release from the school for work. He worked full time and Bella was pulling at least twenty-five hours a week at Newton's.
The awkward, tense ride home from Newton's was the best part of his day. It only lasted about three heart-wrenching minutes, and those three minutes were full of longing glances and painful silences. The scent of Bella's hair filled the small car and Edward found he had to bite his lip to keep from begging Bella to take him back.
Even on those nights when they were both off, Bella avoided him like the plague. She locked herself in her bedroom to study. He found a million reasons to lurk on the third floor, hoping to catch her in the hallway. He completely understood how pathetic that was.
Edward made his way to the third floor. He would have to stock each hospital room, then sweep and mop, clean the bathroom and take out the trash.
For the first week of his and Bella's "break up", Edward half-heartedly tried to respect her wishes. Whenever he did see her, Bella looked terrified of him. Her eyes widened and her lips parted; that perfect little mouth ready to crush his heart.
But each time he did see Bella, something became more and more obvious.
Bella didn't want to be apart from him. The way her cheeks flushed red and her eyes darted back and forth between his eyes and mouth, the hungry way she watched him…Bella still wanted him just as badly as he wanted her.
Inexplicably, Edward felt a pang of guilt every time he considered pushing his way past her defenses. He knew he wanted her, and he knew she wanted him, but it didn't feel right to push it. Edward understood that she had her reasons for ending their relationship, but none of them were legitimate.
Bella was scared. That was what it came down to.
He was scared, too. In fact, Edward was terrified. Every time he thought of Jessica and the baby that slowly grew inside of her, he became so anxious that he kind of felt like puking. Then he thought of Bella, and of how much he wished she was the pregnant one, and he felt that terrible sinking feeling in his stomach.
After Bella left Forks, he never thought he would see her again. Whenever he saw something that triggered a memory of her, his heart twisted painfully and he shoved all thoughts of her away. It was easier to just forget about her rather than deal with it all.
Jessica had been little more than a distraction. If he had only known what the repercussions of his relationship would be… God, he never would have touched her.
Their relationship was born out of convenience, not love. They had never confessed any intense feelings for each other, and Edward knew Jessica was unhappy with the way they were. There were several times when he had been certain she was going to leave him.
In fact, there were several times when he was positive that Jessica was cheating on him. Edward lapped the third floor of the hospital, collecting garbage and flicking through his memories of Jessica as he went.
He was not able to pinpoint what exactly gave him the impression that Jessica had cheated. As their relationship progressed, they drifted. Maybe one day he spotted her watching someone with too much interest. Or maybe, one day the way she touched him changed, felt foreign.
Whatever it was, it felt unimportant. Compared to the reality of the situation, that he and Jessica were bringing a child into the world, her infidelity meant nothing. Unless it meant the baby wasn't his.
Edward wasn't ready to become a father. He couldn't fool anyone into buying that. Furthermore, he couldn't push down the seed of resentment that burned inside of him whenever he thought of the child.
The entire situation was his fault. It had been stupid to leave the birth control issue up to Jessica. In the beginning, they had used condoms. Carlisle had the sex talk with him early, but then a few weeks after Bella left he freaked out and went through it all over again.
After the second sex ed talk from Dr. Cullen, in which Emmett and Jasper were also present, Carlisle made sure Edward was fully stocked on condoms. Boxes magically appeared in the bathroom and in his dresser. After a few months, though, Jessica began to piss and moan because she didn't "like" condoms, so she went on the pill.
In hindsight, condoms would probably have been better.
Edward was trying to come to grips with the idea that in just over a month, he would be a father. He would be responsible for another human being. When Jessica gave birth, and he finally held that tiny person in his hands, Edward knew it would all change. His resentment toward the unborn baby would disappear, and he would experience that magic moment and fall in love.
Right now, though, it was hard for him to imagine the baby. Whenever he thought of it, his stomach turned over and he saw the look of shock and betrayal on Bella's face. Then came the expression of pain – the terrible pain that was his fault, entirely.
The plan was to spend the rest of his life making it up to her. Sure, Bella balked at the idea of marriage, but that was just because they were so young. In a few years, she would look at it differently.
He'd prove to her that not every marriage ended up as a mess of shattered dreams and broken hearts. They would have a huge family, too. Neither of them was opposed to adoption, especially given Edward's own past. And of course, they would never give up trying for a biological child.
At least, that was the plan. His plan. Now he just had to make Bella like it.
"Hey, Cullen?"
Edward looked up as Miguel approached him.
Miguel glanced down at his cart, quickly surveying his work. "My eleven o'clock guy is coming in early. Do you want to cut out at six-thirty?"
Surprised, Edward nodded. "Yeah, that'd be great."
It would be really great, actually. Bella wasn't working at Newton's tonight, so maybe they could spend some time together.
"All right," Miguel agreed.
Edward thanked him and rushed through the rest of his tasks, eager to get home. Maybe tonight would be different.
Esme was in the habit of cooking huge dinners. Bella was constantly in awe of the feasts she made, and more than a little guilty when she compared the spreads to the meager dinners she used to make for Charlie.
Tonight's dinner was lasagna, tossed salad and garlic bread. Bella eyed the pan of lasagna. It had to weigh at least ten pounds.
Carlisle and Esme were sharing a bottle of wine. Alice asked for a glass of wine and then sulked for ten minutes after Carlisle refused. Then she begged for a glass, sulked again, and settled for a diet Coke. Bella stuck to plain water.
They were just finishing up when Esme waved her fork around. She covered her mouth while she swallowed a particularly large bite and then smiled.
"Oh, good news," Esme announced. "Edward called. He'll be home early tonight."
Bella felt her cheeks burn when three sets of eyes turned to gauge her reaction. She forced a smile, despite the sudden butterflies in her stomach. "Oh, that's great."
Esme smiled. "Yes, it is. I feel like I haven't seen him in ages."
"He's been pulling a lot of hours at the hospital," Carlisle acknowledged. "I know this hasn't been easy on him. I'm proud of him."
Carlisle's words scratched at Bella's thin emotional veneer. He was right; Edward was really trying. The past two weeks had been full of long, cold days. They were lonely days, too, because she barely saw Edward anymore.
"I almost feel as though he's avoiding us," Esme frowned.
Bella quickly dropped her guilty eyes. That was probably her fault, because every time she was in the same room as Edward, she felt emotionally overwhelmed and tried to leave. He seemed to pick up on it, because sometimes he would just look at her and know, and leave before she could.
"But that makes no sense at all," Esme continued. "I think we should make the most of everyone being home tonight. I'll get out the hot air popper and we'll make some popcorn and watch a movie!"
Alice rolled her eyes. "Actually…I was going to ask if I could go out."
"To where?" Carlisle asked, spearing a piece of lettuce with his fork.
"To a friend's," she replied vaguely. Alice stared at her lasagna and twirled a lock of spiky hair between her fingers.
Carlisle set down his fork and eyed her curiously. "You know the rules, Alice. When you go out we have to know with who, and where you will be."
A blush tinged Alice's pale face. She shrugged. "I don't know yet. I don't really have plans; I was just wondering."
Esme began questioning Carlisle about a situation at work, but Bella was intrigued by the vagueness of Alice's response. Alice looked up and caught Bella watching her, prompting her to blush even more furiously.
Bella was quick to note the very un-Alice response. Alice shoved her seat back and stood up, ignoring Bella's inquisitive stare. "Mom? Any movie preference?"
Esme paused. "Well, a Christmas movie, obviously."
Alice rolled her eyes. "Of course, I mean, it's only a month until Christmas."
"It's December 2nd," Esme corrected. "Anything goes once you hit December. As for the movie, you and Bella choose. Oh, and Alice? You're on dishes tonight."
Bella followed Alice into the living room. She crouched in front of the DVD tower and scoured through the many titles. "Hmmm. Bella, do you have any favorites?"
Bella sat down on the love-seat, leaving the larger couch for Esme and Carlisle. "Not really."
Alice plucked her selection out of the tower. "Miracle on 34th Street, it is."
"So," Bella began in a casual voice. "Who did you want to go see tonight?"
Alice shushed her and sent a paranoid glance over her shoulder. "Jeez, Bella, keep it down!"
"So?" Bella persisted. "Who is it?"
The DVD player hummed to life after Alice inserted the DVD. Alice stretched out on the floor in front of the television, arranging the blanket and pillow to her liking. "It's nothing."
Bella looked away, surprised by how much it hurt that Alice wouldn't confide in her. Esme chose that moment to enter the room, balancing three large bowls of popcorn in her hands. Grateful for the distraction, Bella hopped up to help her.
"That's a lot of popcorn," Bella commented.
"I know," Esme sighed. "It's wasteful, but necessary. My children have become so lazy that they each need their own bowl. It's simply too much work for them to get up and grab a handful, or God forbid, actually sit next to each other." She smiled. "But I made Edward extra, so you two can share."
Bella's carefully arranged expression froze on her face. Of course, how did she not realize it earlier? She and Edward would be expected to sit together, next to each other. They would need to keep up the relationship facade, and Edward would undoubtedly try to use the situation to his advantage.
"Great," Bella managed.
"Alice, don't start it yet!" Esme admonished her. "Edward isn't home yet! Actually, he should be by now – oh, wait, is that the garage? Yes, okay, he's here. Five minutes, Alice."
"Yeah, yeah," Alice mumbled, already munching on her popcorn.
Bella frowned at Alice. Yeah, she might be in a foul mood, but she didn't need to take it out on Esme. Bella's irritation with Alice faded into jealousy. She had such a wonderful family. Bella wished she really belonged at the Cullen house, that she was actually one of them.
The DVD menu played the same thirty second clip over and over while they waited for Edward. She waited impatiently.
"No, Mom, I already ate."
Bella looked up at the sound of Edward's voice. Her heart began tap dancing in her chest and she wiped her suddenly sweaty hands on her jeans. Carlisle came through the living room entrance, carrying two newly topped off glasses of wine.
Little Eddie dashed into the room behind Carlisle, clearly ecstatic at having everyone in the same room. He had been snoozing in the corner of the kitchen earlier. Esme acted like he was an annoyance, but more than once Bella spotted her slipping Little Eddie treats and cooing at him.
Carlisle set down Esme's wine glass on the coffee table. Bella found it peculiar how she could watch Carlisle and Esme drink wine, and it didn't bother her one iota. And yet, if Charlie so much as cracked open one beer, Bella felt physically ill.
"Are you sure you don't want any lasagna?" Esme asked. "Let me heat you up a plate."
"Mom," Edward laughed. "I'm fine. I ate dinner earlier. Popcorn sounds good, though."
Bella's heart slammed into her throat at the sight of Edward. She saw him before he looked in her direction, so she took the opportunity to drink him in.
Edward wore a pair of faded blue jeans and a nondescript white t-shirt. He kicked off his battered sneakers by the entrance to the living room, and then looked up. It was as if he had a built in Bella homing device; his eyes went directly to hers and Bella's breathing caught.
His hair was less messy than usual, and Bella noticed he had gotten it trimmed. His green eyes lit up when he saw her, and an easy smile spread across his face. With a jolt, Bella realized that she had to clamp down on the warmth that was spreading through her – the happiness.
Despite how he made her feel now, Bella knew that nothing would be the same in a few weeks. She had to protect her heart.
"Hi Bella," Edward smiled, almost shyly.
"Hi," Bella replied. She was positive her cheeks were bright red.
"Okay, okay, everyone sit down and get settled," Esme called from the kitchen. "Edward, Bella, do you want anything to drink?"
"Can you bring me a water, please?" Edward asked.
Bella scooted closer to the edge of the love-seat. Edward didn't seem to notice. He walked across the room to the window seat. He lifted up the wooden seat and pulled out a large blanket.
"Oh, grab me one?" Bella requested.
A wolfish grin passed over Edward's face. Immediately self-conscious, Bella snuck a look at Carlisle. He was distracted, checking his BlackBerry.
"Sorry," Edward said in a voice that told her he wasn't sorry at all. "Last one. We'll share."
The little voice inside of her head screamed at Bella to go upstairs and get her own blanket. Or better yet, a hoodie, so there could be no sneaky business under the cover of a blanket.
She didn't want to draw any extra attention to them, and their obvious lack of affection lately, so Bella didn't say anything. Besides…there was a tiny part of her that wanted sneaky business.
Edward ambled over to the couch, watching her the entire time. Bella flushed and looked away. He stretched out on the love-seat, lying down and nudging her with his feet until he practically shoved her off the couch.
"What?" Bella snapped. She quickly rolled her eyes and smiled, trying to lessen the severity of her voice.
With Bella off of the couch, Edward really stretched out. He covered himself with the blanket, then held up the edge of it and patted the empty area in front of him. "Lay down."
She wished the love-seat was smaller, like a normal love-seat. Then they would have to just sit side by side. But no, it was just as extravagant as the rest of the Cullen house, and it comfortably fit all six feet of Edward, with room to spare.
Esme dashed into the room. She put down Edward's glass of water and smiled at Bella. "Go ahead, Bella. Get comfy."
She walked over to the wall and turned the lights off. Bella loved the graceful way Esme moved. Tonight, she was wearing black yoga pants and an old sweatshirt of Carlisle's. She looked no older than twenty-five, and when she sat down and melted against Carlisle, Bella felt another pang of jealousy.
Bella looked down at Edward, who was watching her expectantly. He looked a little sad, and she immediately knew that she had done a terrible job hiding her emotions just now. Edward held out his hand, and sighing, Bella took it.
She sat down on the edge of the love-seat, making sure there was about a foot between her ass and Edward's stomach. It was almost the exact position she had just been in, and apparently Edward still wasn't pleased with it. He wrapped an arm around her stomach and tugged her back.
"Lay down," he whispered.
It felt awkward to maneuver herself into a laying position, but the darkness of the room helped. Carlisle was sitting on the corner of the sofa, with Esme folded against him. Alice was curled up on the floor with her head propped up on her hand. None of them were paying attention to her.
Bella laid down and hugged the edge of the love-seat, hoping Edward would let her relax there, but he pulled her flush against him. She closed her eyes, trying to stifle the sudden heaviness of her breathing.
The length of his body pressed against hers and Bella inhaled sharply when his warm breath caressed the bare skin of her neck. Her blood began to boil, and heat coursed through her veins. She had missed his touch so much.
Bella felt Edward's hand slide down to her hip. Her t-shirt had ridden up a little, and his big hand skimmed the hem of her shirt, her bare skin, and the top of her jeans. She bit her lip and two of his fingers dipped below the waistband of her pants.
"Edward," she breathed. "Stop."
His fingers curled against her jutting hip bone. His skin felt a million times hotter than hers. He wanted to make her feel good but she wouldn't relax. Bella's muscles were tight and unyielding; despite his touch and the way he tried to hug her to him, Bella remained frozen.
"Relax," he urged, his voice barely audible.
Edward grasped her hip and tugged Bella more firmly against his body. He shifted his own hips and pressed his lower half against her bottom. She buried her gasp in the couch.
After so long, it felt like heaven to have Bella in his arms. The movie melted away, his family disappeared, and all he could even fathom was Bella. Bella.
He ran his hand up and down her sides and felt her thin frame shudder against him. She reached back with one arm, maybe to push him away, but when her hand touched his hip Edward grabbed it and forced it to remain there.
Edward nuzzled her neck gently. He pushed her hair back to expose her skin and pressed a soft kiss on her warm skin. Bella's nearly silent moan vibrated in her throat and Edward parted his lips, softly suckling her skin.
His heart was pounding now, and Edward knew it was getting out of control. He couldn't push himself any further, not with his parents in the room. His subtlety was quickly running out.
Bella suddenly shoved him away. He was so unprepared for the sudden movement that he let Bella rip herself out of his arms. Even in the dark he could see how red her cheeks, and the way her lips fell open to accommodate her heavy breathing.
"I, um, need a drink," Bella announced. She darted off the couch and disappeared into the kitchen.
Edward sat up, making sure the majority of the blanket rested on his lap. Yeah, it was dark, but it wasn't that dark. He didn't want his mom, or any of his family, for that matter, to see the massive wood he was sporting.
He waited until everyone's attention had returned back to the movie. Then he followed Bella into the kitchen.
Bella was leaning against the counter, holding a cold glass of orange juice to her forehead. She rolled the glass back and forth, trying to cool down. She looked troubled, and her expression only darkened when she saw him watching her.
"That was so stupid," Bella hissed, pulling the glass away from her forehead. "How can you act like that with your parents right there next to us?"
Edward ignored her and walked across the kitchen. He reached and Bella flinched, but his hand went passed her and grabbed the carton of juice.
"Calm down. I'm not going to jump you in the kitchen," he rolled his eyes.
"It wouldn't be the first time," Bella shot back. Her body temperature rose exponentially as she remembered their late night kitchen tryst.
Edward eyed her for a moment, obviously biting back a retort. Instead of responding, he raised the carton of orange juice to his mouth and took a long pull. The bottom of his white t-shirt lifted up a few inches when he raised his arm, and the top of his boxers and a strip of bare skin became visible.
Bella watched him intently, dividing her attention between his happy trail and the way his throat muscles moved as he gulped down the juice. With each second the throbbing between her legs intensified.
When Edward brought the carton away from his mouth, Bella could see a glistening orange juice mustache.
"You have…" she trailed off, blushing. Bella pointed to her own top lip and mimed the motion of wiping it away.
"Why don't you get it for me?" he asked huskily.
Bella licked her own lips instead, and tried to move backwards but realized she was already against the counter.
Edward waited another beat, waiting for Bella to make some kind of move, but she didn't do anything.
Bella stared at him dumbly. He took a step closer and his tongue darted out, smoothing a wet path along his upper lip. The juice disappeared.
"Ummm," she murmured. Her eyes were glued to his mouth and her body was in overdrive.
Edward took another step and closed the gap between them. Bella's hands stayed at her sides but he saw them clench into fists. He wanted to move slowly because she was so skittish, but he simply wasn't strong enough to restrain himself.
He leaned into her, his lips barely grazing hers before Edward crushed his body against hers. Bella let out a squeak of surprise and when she did, Edward's mouth took full advantage of her parted lips.
He tasted sweet, like orange juice. Bella's heart beat double time and she wanted him so badly that she couldn't control herself anymore. Rational thinking left her, and her instincts took over.
Edward groaned when her little hands fisted into his hair and tugged. He grabbed her ass and lifted her onto the counter, loving that she instinctively spread her legs so he could stand between them.
Her lips moved more insistently against his and then he felt one hand drop down to his waist, pulling him closer. She wanted to feel him pressed against her again. He was more than happy to oblige.
"Edward? Could you get your father a water?"
Edward jumped so far away from her that Bella wanted to laugh. Then she realized what was happening, what had almost happened – and slid off the counter.
"Bella," he began, reaching for her.
Bella shoved his hand away and made a break for the stairs.
"Bella!" Edward called.
She made it to the second floor bathroom and slammed the door shut, locking it behind her. Bella turned the shower on, figuring it was as good a cover as any. She waited and waited for Edward to come.
She was sure that he would apologize, or maybe push her a little more.
She waited. And waited. And waited even more.
Edward never came.
By the time Bella realized that Edward truly wasn't coming to her, she wished she had the courage to go find him.
But she didn't.
