Chapter 39
She doesn't answer him straight away, her contemplations still have a hold on her, and she lets her feelings for her beloved take over from her love of nature before she speaks.
'I've never been happier in my life,' she replies earnestly, ignoring Wickham's familiarity in addressing her, somehow it is fitting at this particular moment.
'I never thought the idea of a married couple being one could be taken seriously, but Fitzwilliam and I have truly become two parts of a whole. When we are separated for as short a time as half an hour or an hour, we celebrate our reunion as if it had been days.'
'I envy you your happiness, but most of all I envy Fitzwilliam.'
And indeed, Wickham's gentle demeanour is more harsh than Elizabeth has ever seen it.
'I hated him for being an heir, hated him for being Richard's son instead of me. I hated him for being a righteous prig and for judging me when Richard didn't. Why should he always be right, because he was a few years older? Because he was going to be lording it over hundreds of people, never having to work a single day of his life?
His father already had that, and he celebrated life with me, told me my mother had the rights of it, to live her only life to the full. He taught his son to keep the family fortune safe, and then spent it with me.'
That obviously atoned but little for the advantages Fitzwilliam had over Wickham, and Elizabeth feels sorry for both young men, the one doing all the work, for of course Wickham is very much mistaken that Fitzwilliam never works, but she suspects he knows that by now. And the other having all the fun, never learning how to handle any kind of responsibility. The late Mr Darcy has a lot to answer for, though of course both men have made their own life's decisions as well.
'He promised me he'd provide for me, but who knows what went through his mind those last months, to put such an unfair condition on my independence. He cannot have expected me to take orders.
Which is why I suspected Fitzwilliam of getting his revenge on me in this way. I should have known he doesn't even have the gumption to pull such a trick on me, it must have been Richard himself. Do you think he didn't want me to enjoy life when he was no longer there to participate?'
Wickham clearly thinks this a possibility.
'Of course my own father begged me to take it, to live according to my means, as he had always done. But what did that get him? Mother did what pleased her anyway.
Though father really loved her, and he seemed to enjoy his work. Sometimes I think I may have made the wrong decision, if I had taken orders, at least I could have married a woman I could love, and relate to.
And that is why I envy Fitzwilliam still. I thought he was a prude for denying himself for nearly a decade, but in the end his way prevailed. He is a different man, his love changed him.
And to think I gave all that up, years ago, carousing with his father, while he studied, learned to run an estate, kept his mother and Georgiana company. We were good friends once, you know.
Would you have married me, if I had been the man I could have been? Steward to Fitzwilliam Darcy, or a minister?'
Though Elizabeth could have sworn Wickham never had any serious intentions towards her when she so unwisely showed her preference for him, he may have come to regret her later, when he married a featherhead, and Elizabeth his eternal rival.
'We probably wouldn't have met if you hadn't been in the militia.
There was a time I admired you even as you were, brother, but had I become aware of your transgressions and habits after marrying you, I'm quite sure I would have learned to hate you. I'm glad you showed your true colours with Miss King.
And though it took me months to find out for myself, Fitzwilliam was always worthy of being loved, I never cared for his money, I married him because he loved me, and he was an admirable man. Had he been a steward or a minister I would have married him without hesitation.
Your lies caused him a lot of undeserved pain by prejudicing me against him, but he stayed true to himself and finally managed to win my heart.'
'And still I envy him. I know you love your sister, and I know I can only blame myself for marrying her to relieve my debts, but she is not good company. She knows nothing, and is happy to stay that way. She is loud, and her spirits cannot be checked in any way. Her adulation makes me sick instead of proud of myself.
Frankly, I can only bear her presence in the bedchamber, where her lack of inhibition is a kind of asset, but by now I'm so afraid to get her with child I hardly dare to indulge myself in her anymore. Imagine raising a brood of little Lydia's!'
Elizabeth can hear him adding mentally: as your father did.
'Just get a good maid, Mr Wickham, as our father did. Jane and I didn't turn out all that badly, and I hear Catherine has improved immensely since you took Lydia away from her. Hire a good governess, we never had one and I think it would have helped. You have experienced yourself what influence education has on young people.
Did the late Mr Darcy indulge your mother in any of her life's enjoyments?'
It is a bit low to use Wickham's depressed mood to further her own ends, but Elizabeth so wants to know whether they were intimate, the late Mr Darcy and Wickham's mother.
'You think my children need not be hopelessly lost?'
That actually seems to cheer him more than a little.
'We can ill afford more staff, but when your father was staying in London with you I could see Mrs Hill manages your mother quite readily, without her noticing. I'll rest a bit easier for that thought, for in fact I do not dislike children at all, and Jane and yourself certainly show no resemblance at all to my beloved wife.'
Beloved of course drips with sarcasm, not even painful to Elizabeth, for though she loves her sister, she does not envy the man who has to live with her as his wife.
'You suggest my mother formed my character together with Richard, and I do think you may be right. He did not often include her in our outings, my father did not like that, but when he did we had the best time ever, people often mistook them for being my parents. That was hardly proper, or course, but we'd usually go to places where Richard's class didn't come, he loved the seedy parts of town.'
By now they have sat down on a cold bench in full view of the house, and as intimate as their talk is, any observer will notice immediately that these two are members of the same family, not lovers. Papa's library faces the garden, and Elizabeth hopes Fitzwilliam will look for her and see her behaving with the utmost propriety.
She knows Wickham has misjudged Fitzwilliam for years, still does, but nothing can mend the breach between them after what Wickham did to his former friend, and she will not attempt to make him any wiser at the cost of her beloved's confidence. Let her brother-in-law believe what he will, nothing can be changed in his situation anyway, Wickham's fate is sealed.
But for herself, Elizabeth can even feel a bit sorry for him, of course he has been weak and downright wicked, but only the strongest character would have survived the bad influence of a depraved mother as well as a licentious godfather and best friend. Apparently Wickham's father tried to raise his son to virtue and acceptance of his fate, but all he had to offer was the satisfaction of a duty fulfilled, while Mr Richard Darcy offered entertainment and even showed Wickham his own mother celebrating life at the cost of her decency, drinking and feasting among the lower classes.
'Will you dance with me tomorrow, my dear sister?'
'I will, once my sister lets go of her 'very dear Wickham'.'
That even gets a smile out of him.
'I know I brought this all on myself, but still it is very hard.'
'Better try to enjoy the wedding as much as you can. I'd advise you to ask my father for some counsel on how to deal with a featherheaded wife, but his solutions wouldn't suit you at all. He loves books and nature, and you're more a people's person.'
Apparently, Wickham hadn't thought of this before, and he admits, 'I am rather distrustful of my father-in-law, he's always so jovial to me, but I just know he's mocking me, he despises me, and frankly, who could blame him for that? After what I did? He must hate me as much as Darcy does.
Besides, your father likes Darcy, finally a man who can understand what he says, a man to be taken seriously. I can understand him just fine, I'm not stupid, but I'm going to be on the wrong side of his sarcasm forever. And Darcy's loathing. They will not ever let me into this family, and it's all the family I'll ever have.'
Well, they both have a valid reason to hate Wickham, and it's not as if he truly cares for family except now, the day before a wedding. Elizabeth does not think Wickham has the right to feel sorry for himself, what he did was inexcusable in both instances, and she says severely, 'Well, maybe you should try a little harder then, to prove you want to be part of this family. You certainly entered it unwillingly enough.'
'You're right, I'm sorry. It's been a real relief talking to you, my dear sister, I'm glad you were willing to listen for as long as you did. Darcy must have given you an earful of what I have done to him and to Georgiana. She loved me like a brother, and nothing more, but I misrepresented that until she believed herself in love with me. Though I assure you I would have been good to her.
But enough of the past for today. Let's get back inside before your husband calls me out, he doesn't rage, but his icy anger is way more scary, and if he had ever lowered himself to speaking out against me, he would have ruined me beyond repair. Let me be grateful to have had your ear for this last hour, and hope I, too, will find a way to enjoy my life being worshipped by a pretty, though empty-headed, young wife.'
And when they do go in, Fitzwilliam is waiting in the hall, by himself, he must have sent the servants away, and Elizabeth truly believes she can see Wickham show some fear.
But of course her beloved just wants to greet her properly, meaning indecently, and he doesn't want anyone to see it, Wickham obviously excluded.
Before she has the chance to take off her coat, he has her in his arms, his face in her furry collar, nuzzling her throat, and then kissing her neck upwards slowly, until their lips meet and they kiss with abandonment.
'I've missed you!'
As she has missed him, somehow there is always a feeling of something lacking by her side when they are apart, and it can only be righted by the exchange of intimacies. Elizabeth has no idea if Wickham is still there, watching prudish Darcy behave himself without the slightest regard for propriety with disbelief and envy.
She seriously considers taking her beloved to her own room, undoubtedly still as it used to be, but it just cannot be. They have to be satisfied with a few kisses and some muttered words of affection, and it is very hard to finally let go of the other and go back to the drawing-room.
Her father is still there, which is totally unique, he usually flees company. But not this morning, he seems eager to converse, and Elizabeth has a little idea that may help Wickham feel less shut out.
'Mr Wickham, what is life like in the regulars? Are any of your battalion called away on active duty?'
That does indeed interest Fitzwilliam as well as her father, and both men and Elizabeth gather around the black sheep of their family, whose face immediately shows some of his old charm and liveliness.
'As you know, I used to be a lieutenant in the militia, and thanks to Mr Darcy I have that same commission in the infantry now. As a militia officer, I had too much time on my hands, time I spent unwisely, being led into temptation, building up debt, getting involved with the wrong people.
The regulars are different, my soldiers are just one step up from rabble, they have no natural respect for manners and order, they are hardened by life on the streets, where only the strongest and meanest survive.
Privates in the regular army do not respect their officers except on threat of punishment, and believe me, they need a lot of punishment to keep them in line.
But will you gentlemen, and gentle lady, tell me how I am going to trust such men on a field of battle, in, say, France, with no burly sergeant with a whip in sight? I'll tell you, I won't. They'll do as they see fit, and we'll all die for lack of training or order.
Now you all know I haven't always lived my life as a gentleman should, even as a young man I often visited those low neighbourhoods with the late Mr Darcy, he had a distinct preference for certain establishments out there, and I accompanied him.'
Fitzwilliam shows some shock at hearing Wickham state dryly that his father, a respected gentleman, liked to visit seedy bars, but he does not protest or call Wickham out.
After his first shock of hearing Wickham talk about this openly, he looks resigned, he must have had his suspicions about his father. Wickham looks away from the man he wronged again and again, and continues his tale.
'Later, having lost my prospects due to my own preference for low amusements, I even lived among them, and consequently I feel a certain connection to the men of the lowest class, I know how to relate to them, and they respect me and take my orders.
But of course only if I spend time with them, show them I know more about warfare than they do, explain why they need to follow my orders without question. I may be the only officer spending so much time with his men, but it serves me well, it earns me their respect, and it keeps me off the streets and away from the gambling tables, though it also keeps me away from my home and wife.
I can now shoot a musket as well as any of my men, I know everything about formations and other battle-tactics. I want to do something right, for once.
And now rumours are flying that our battalions in France are not doing well because the French light infantry keeps messing up the lines of our superior marksmen.
Gentlemen, Mrs Darcy, if the war-office decides to create our own British skirmishers, light infantry, sharp-shooters with undying loyalty to their officers, I want to be part of that effort. I want to lead men into the thick of battle, protecting the regular infantry by causing confusion among the enemy.'
And George Wickham, the soft-spoken, gentleman-like young man looks positively determined to actually do this. No commanding from a distance for him, and a soft, lazy life in the army towns while the soldiers drill marksmanship, formation fighting and hardiness, but a life of danger and hardship among men just one step away from criminals.
'But, that is actually very dangerous, Wickham,' her father observes.
Mr Wickham may congratulate himself that his father-in-law is finally addressing him seriously.
'And going into battle with men I don't know and who think I'm an overdressed fop isn't?'
He is right of course, but still it is very difficult to see Wickham as a hard-bitten soldier, he seems so soft, and he has proven not to have much discipline.
'Playing at being a soldier is all right in times of peace, but I know you all read papers as well I do, you know what is going on in France with the revolution, and the America's, in the colonies. I may very well be sent overseas, and I'm not going to enter a field of battle, with looking well in scarlet and great gambling skills the only knowledge I gained in the army. I want to know how to defend myself as well as my country, not be the only one in my unit who can't actually fight.'
Fitzwilliam has not yet spoken a word, it must be terribly difficult for him to be confronted with Wickham once again, and Elizabeth can see scepticism all over his handsome face. He has heard Wickham form resolutions before, no doubt, breaking them as soon as the first hardship presented itself.
Reminding himself where he is, undoubtedly, Wickham also details another side of life in the army.
'Lydia has taken to camp-life extremely well, of course our private lodgings are very modest, but she goes out gladly and is the best of friends with the other officers' wives. They chat, and even do some needle-work, it can be difficult to get good staff, you see, and we officers do have to look our very best.'
Elizabeth certainly find this interesting information, and she is dying to ask more, she is really curious whether Lydia has settled at all being married, but finds it hard to inquire in polite terms whether her sister still flirts and mainly lives for entertainment.
'And my sister, does she read the paper as well? Is she at all worried you may be sent overseas to where the real fighting is?'
'She knows there is always a risk I may be called upon to do my duty to king and country, and she knows I may be asked to lay down my life for our great nation, some of the other wives are very superior ladies, they have explained to her what they read in the papers. Of course, some also have first-hand experience of war and its atrocities, because they are older, or because they have a father or brother in the army.
But mainly she is still the same girl she was before, eager for a dance, or an outing with friends, she still has her favourites among the other officers, but she is always glad to have me come home, always eager for me to show her affection.
She tells me she doesn't envy you your wealth, my dear sister, because she has me. Isn't that just sweet?'
Wickham actually sounds affectionate here, as if he truly loves Lydia, but he has just told Elizabeth he is incredibly unhappy in his marriage. Fitzwilliam is right not to trust the slick fellow, he can lie with an absolutely straight face, he looks totally sincere, that doesn't do much for his credibility with his 'dear sister'.
Their visit doesn't last long after this conversation. As Mr Bennet sees them out himself, Darcy uses the opportunity to challenge him to a game of billiards that very afternoon, and Mr Bennet accepts gladly.
'I was hoping you'd invite me over today, you were right about Wickham not being a reader nor appreciative of solicitude, my library was exactly as I left it, not a leaf of paper or a chair had been moved. But since I'm back, the library is no longer empty of people, me being there, and since my esteemed son-in-law is not a reader, he tends to seek my company and talk incessantly. He has a more interesting view of the world than I expected, apparently being at the mercy of politics gives one a certain motivation to gain some insight in them, but I've seen enough of him already, yesterday evening.
I'll be over for a game of billiards, and if I go on horseback I may be snowed in before evening, unable to return for the night. Look at the sky, an hour or two, and all will be covered in snow.
Was my brother Gardiner already arrived when you left?'
They deny this, and Mr Bennet shakes his head with worry.
If they have not arrived by now, they may have to take lodgings somewhere along the way to escape the weather.'
That is worrying indeed, and Elizabeth fervently hopes they will have arrived safely by now, those poor children! And Jane was looking forward to having her aunt and uncle Gardiner at the wedding.
Of course Darcy helps Elizabeth on Daisy's saddle, and they ride off at a walk, for he is very curious what Wickham confided to his 'dear sister'. A questioning look should be enough.
And it is, with a smile Elizabeth relates the chief of their conversation, though she obviously feels sorry for Wickham to a certain extent. He saw them sitting outside, in full view of the library, Elizabeth keeping a very proper distance from her brother-in-law.
'I tried to calm his fears about having a child, but since he mentioned being sent abroad I'm starting to doubt that decision, what if he has to actually fight, what will happen to Lydia and any children?'
'You cannot stop her from having children, Elizabeth, if it happens, it happens. And when it does, we'll help her as much as we can, suppose she has a little Elizabeth, smart and gentle, I still dislike Wickham intensely, but he used to a sensitive child, and just as your mother got you and Jane, Lydia might get a potentially gifted child. We cannot leave such a child to grow up deprived of all sense and education. Don't worry love, we'll sort it out when we need to.'
He is so sweet, and smart, and he looks at her adoringly.
'And he admitted to regretting you, and to hating me for being my father's heir. A year ago I would have declared him a liar, relating such a shocking thing about my father, but though he has proven he can lie with a straight face, letting us believe he has found a measure of happiness with Lydia, I'm afraid my father really did those things, take him into seedy bars, gambling, and chasing loose women.
My family is partly responsible for how he turned out, and if he truly exerts himself in his current position, and is allowed to apply for a place in a new company of skirmishers, I promise you I will use any influence I have, and forward all the necessary funds to get him in, as well as make sure Lydia and any children she has will not be left destitute.'
