Author's note: This is a pretty long chapter but I didn't want to cut it in half, so that's why… Anyway, thank you so much for your reviews. Please keep posting them and I promise I'll update much faster! :)
The Easter Ball
"'Cause I can be bought
But you'll pay the cost
If you can afford me"
Katy Perry - If You Can Afford Me
"Okay, how about we all dress up like chickens?"
"No"
"… And you and James, arranging the whole thing, can hide in Easter eggs and…"
"No!" Lily was laughing out loud now. "Alice, McGonagall expects me to take responsibility and handle this ball in a mature way!"
"So?" Alice grabbed a piece of chocolate from the Easter egg her parents had sent her with this morning's mail. "Who's to say chickens are not mature? I'm sure she'd love the idea"
"Well…" Lily began thoughtfully. "I would enjoy watching James all dressed up in yellow feathers..."
Alice giggled.
"Told you, didn't I? And speaking of which: why are you discussing this ball with me instead of him? He's Head Boy! Surely McGonagall wants him involved in the process"
"I'm not sure I do, though…"
Lily helped herself to some chocolate, mostly to seem unbothered by the whole thing. Alice sighed, leaning over their open Charms books to look her best friend in the eye.
"You still haven't talked to him, have you?" she asked quietly.
"Oh, I talk to him every day" Lily grimaced. "I'm his tutor, remember? We just don't talk… About that"
"Well you should!" Alice said impatiently. "He might not know how you feel…"
"He made it quite clear that he just wants us to be friends" Lily interrupted her.
She was tired of having this discussion, for Alice had not dropped the matter ever since Lily had told her about the kiss. Truth to be told, it hurt to even think about it and talk about it was way worse. In order to accept the truth and move on, Lily had to forget.
"And I'm fine with that" she went on. "In fact, I couldn't be happier! A relationship would only get in the way of all our tasks as Heads…"
She ignored the look that Alice gave her and returned to her homework. She was meeting up with James in the library in less than an hour and she had lots of things to go through before then. Besides, even if she didn't want to, Lily knew that they would have to discuss the ball further. It was supposed to take place next Friday and they didn't have much planned yet. It was a rather stressful thought.
"Who are you taking to the ball anyway?" Alice asked. "Frank asked me yesterday. He seems really excited about the whole thing"
"He's not the only one" Lily muttered. "Amelia has been talking about nothing else for days now. I really do hope Sirius asks her, even if he can be an arrogant prat sometimes"
"So that leaves… You" Alice dropped her quill. "Is there anyone in particular you want to ask?"
Lily raised her eyebrows.
"Right, stupid question… Any second choice?"
That was like asking Lily if she would want to join the quidditch team. She had never been like some of the girls in her year, who fell in love with a new boy every other week. When she actually felt something, it was too real to ignore and set aside for "second choices". She hated the truth but it was right in front of her: If she couldn't go to the ball with James she wouldn't go with anyone else, either. It was as simple as that.
"I think I'll just go solo" She shrugged to show that it was not a big deal. "I'll be exhausted after all the preparations, anyway. Wouldn't be the funniest company"
Alice said nothing and the two girls went back to their textbooks. But the thoughts kept spinning through Lily's head. She wasn't stupid; it would be weird to show up at the ball all alone. But what choice did she have? James wanted to consider her a "just friend" and there was nothing she could do about it.
James
"I can't believe we didn't start on this earlier" Lily was rummaging through several rolls of parchment lying on the table in front of them. "McGonagall will killus when she finds out we have absolutely nothing to go on yet and…"
"Will you calm down?" James asked tiredly. "This essay is due tomorrow and I need to write two more pages before it's done. I thought you were supposed to help me study?"
Though he had to admit, he was doing quite well on his own these days. Thanks to Lily, he was keeping up with his classmates in almost every subject. But of course, there were still tons of things to do. Books he hadn't read, tests he'd failed and essays he'd forgotten to write. James had been acting like a living zombie from July to December and he still had to face the consequences. After that things had started to change. That's when he got closer to Lily.
And now he couldn't even tell her how grateful he was. It would be impossible to do that, without also sharing everything else. She'd find out that he was still in love with her and there was no need for her to have that on her conscience. He had to move on.
"I never thought I'd be the one to tell you this, James…" Lily began. "But that Potions essay can wait. This bloody ball is more important right now"
James knew she wouldn't give up once she'd set her mind on something. Her fierceness and stubbornness were two of the many things he loved about her. She was a fighter. Sighing heavily, he slammed his book shut and locked his gaze with hers.
"Fine. What do you want me to do?"
"First of all we need to set a date for a meeting with all the prefects to hand out their tasks. Some need to take care of the decorations and we need at least two to talk to the house-elves about the food"
"How about Wednesday night?" James suggested. "Quidditch practice ends at seven, I can be there after that"
For a moment, Lily said nothing. She just looked at him for so long that James almost started to feel uncomfortable.
"What?" he asked when she finally looked away.
"It's just weird" she mumbled.
He furrowed.
"What is?"
Lily hesitated before she spoke:
"Seeing you care about this sort of things. You really are trying this time… To make it work. I mean, compare this person to the James we all knew a year ago! He would have laughed at the idea of arranging an Easter ball for the whole school"
"Well…" James opened his textbook again only so he could pretend to be interested in something other than Lily herself. "My life looked quite different a year ago"
The smile disappeared from Lily's face.
"I know that" she said softly. "But still, it's remarkable how you've managed to turn things around and…"
"I know it's important to you. And then it matters to me, too"
The words left James' mouth before he had time to even consider them slightly inappropriate for a friend to tell another. It was the truth. He wouldn't be doing any of this if he didn't how much it meant to Lily. Making her happy felt more important than anything else at the moment. The thought of it kept him going whenever everything else felt hopeless. Besides, it was the least he could do now that they were friends. Just friends.
Always just friends.
"Thank you"
Her smile was almost too much. How could he handle this? He needed to get a grip, now. Despite everything, she'd offered him friendship. Shouldn't he just be thankful for that?
"Ah, there you two are!"
McGonagall's voice interrupted James' thoughts. She was standing right beside their table, wearing a rather stressed look on her face.
"I take it everything is set for next week?"
"Uhm… Well…"
James, knowing all too well how bad Lily was at lying whenever she got nervous, said:
"Soon, professor. We just have some details to look over, that's all"
McGonagall gave him a long look before she replied:
"Very well. I suppose you will both be going to Hogsmeade with the rest of your classmates this weekend to get your dress robes?"
Without waiting for an answer she continued:
"Now of course we would all appreciate it if you, as Head students, dance as many dances as you can to set a good example…"
"Sorry, what?"
James wanted to second Lily's question. It was ironic how the word "dance" hadn't crossed his mind once when thinking about this ball. But of course there would be dance involved. It was a ball… James could hear McGonagall's words in his head:
"Dance as many dances as you can…"
Did that mean…?
"Naturally, you two will be attending the ball together" She looked as if it were the most obvious thing in the world. "That's tradition, ms Evans. And I see no reason for you to break it now"
"But… But I thought…"
"Or have you already made plans with somebody else?"
James felt a pang of jealousy at his Transfiguration teacher's question. Maybe Lily had been asked by someone else already. That shouldn't come as a surprise… But who? And had she said yes?
"No" she replied, answering James' unspoken questions. "I just thought that maybe James had… Well…"
McGonagall and Lily both looked at him.
"Have you, Potter?"
He almost felt like laughing and asking them both what they were thinking. For there was absolutely no one he'd even consider asking to this ball unless one counted Lily. He'd rather go alone.
"No" he managed to say. "No, I haven't asked anyone"
"That's settled then" McGonagall said. "I'll see you both later this week to make sure everything's ready and prepared. Goodnight"
"Goodnight professor"
James felt like this little discussion had changed everything between the two of them. Suddenly, he had no idea what to say or do and it was hard to even look Lily in the eye. He felt sorry for her. Here she was, probably about to make other plans with somebody else, and then McGonagall forced her to go with him…
"I had no idea…" he began, perhaps to defend himself, but she interrupted him:
"Me neither"
There was a long silence. What James really wanted now, was to cancel this whole thing. To go on a ball with Lily, dance with Lily and watch Lily in a really beautiful dress was more than he had signed up for. But there was no way he could back out now. They were responsible for this whole ball and he couldn't let her down…
Suddenly, Lily exclaimed:
"I can't dance!"
"I can teach you"
Great. That'd mean he'd have to spend even more time with her than he already did. More time to hide his true feelings and pretend like "friends" was the greatest thing in the world. So why did he offer? Why couldn't he just stay away from her, even when he had the chance?
Lily smiled at him and his heart skipped a beat.
"I would like that. Thank you"
"Of course" He tried to keep his voice neutral and empty of all emotions. "That's what friends do for each other, right?"
"Right" Lily said, and he suddenly realized how much he wanted to kiss her again. "Friends"
Lily
"You look so beautiful"
Lily could see Alice's smile in the mirror as she studied her own reflection, and she had to admit that her friend was right. She did look beautiful. Back in Hogsmeade, her friends had all convinced her to choose a green dress since it would go well with her eyes. Lily had been a bit uncertain at first, but now she could tell that they had been right. Besides, it matched perfectly with her red hair that lay in soft curls on her back. All she had to do was add the make-up and she'd be ready to go.
"I wish my mum could see me now…" she mumbled absentmindedly. "She always talks about how I should dress fancy more often"
"What are you wearing to your sister's wedding?" Amelia asked and Lily furrowed.
She had been so busy trying to accept the fact that Petunia was actually getting married, that she hadn't spent a single second worrying about the clothes.
"I have no idea" she said. "Nothing special, I suppose"
Since I won't be a bridesmaid…
More than anything, Lily wished to tell her friends that they looked stunning, too. Alice wore a deep blue dress that fit her perfectly and Amelia had chosen a red one that almost made her look like one of those movie stars Lily had watched on TV as a kid. But once again, her mind was somewhere else.
This was it. This was the night when she would have to attend a ball with James, dance with James and above all: be "just friends" with James. To say that she was nervous would be an understatement. She bet he would look extremely handsome in his black dress robes…
The last seven days had all passed by in a blur. Apart from their usual amount of homework, Lily and James had been working with the preparations for the ball non-stop. Finally, they had been able to show McGonagall that everything was set and once again, Lily was impressed by James' strength and interest in all of it. He'd said that it was all for her and somehow, she had to find a way to re-pay him.
"It's almost nine, guys" Amelia said, nodding towards the clock in their dormitory. "We should go downstairs"
Lily knew that James was getting ready with his friends in their dormitory, too. They were meeting up in the Gryffindor common room at nine PM sharp. The very same common room where they'd had so many fights and arguments in the past. The room where she'd told all her friends how much she despised him…
Everything was so different now.
As they were walking down the stairs ten minutes later, Alice asked Lily quietly:
"Are you nervous?"
"I try not to be" She swallowed. "I mean, it's just a ball. And we've spent all week preparing it together. I know him. We have things to talk about. It won't be awkward…"
But she wasn't so sure. Taking a deep breath, Lily stepped into the common room and took a quick look around.
James
"You are realizing that one of your biggest dreams is finally coming true, right?"
Sirius grinned at James as they stood in the common room together with Frank Longbottom, waiting for their dates to appear. Remus and Peter were already in the Great Hall.
"What do you mean?" James asked, even though he already knew.
He'd only realized it himself hours ago. This was actually happening.
"You're going to a ball with Lily Evans as your date. If anyone had told me that a year ago…"
He was taking the girl he'd been in love with since third year to the ball. As "just friends". There would be no romance involved. And it would pain James every single second. He was so busy with his own thoughts that it took him a moment to realize that Sirius had drifted off mid-sentence. Then, he looked up and he saw her.
Lily was wearing the most perfect-fitting green, long dress that he had ever seen. Her hair seemed even softer than usual and the light make-up made her look slightly older than 17. She was always pretty. She was always beautiful. But this…
James simply couldn't stop staring and even when Lily was standing right in front of him could he bring himself to say something. She bit her lip.
"Is it too much?" she asked worriedly. "I wasn't sure about the dress at first, but…"
"You look… It's… I mean… You're perfect" James finished lamely, hating that he was not able to give her the compliment she deserved.
He could see from the corner of his eye how Alice and Amelia grinned at each other and Lily herself gave him a small smile, eyes twinkling.
"Thank you" she said. "You too"
"Well come on then!" Sirius said, putting his arm around Amelia's shoulders. "We have a ball to go to!"
Lily
"Honestly, where would I be right now without your dance lessons?"
James grinned at her in a way that made him look, if possible, even more attractive.
"You know I only taught you the basics. You've grown really good at it all by yourself"
They had practiced a couple of times in their common room, James showing Lily the dances that people would probably expect her to know on an event like this. After all, she had arranged the whole thing and she had to be able to demonstrate something… Suddenly, a thought hit her:
"Where did you learn how to dance, Potter?"
There was a hint of teasing in her voice and he quickly caught on:
"I'm full of secrets, Evans. Most of them you'll never even know"
They spun around again. This was the third dance but Lily was not growing even the slightest tired of it yet. It all felt so magical and so… right. Looking around, she had to admit that she and James had been doing a great job. The Great Hall looked like a completely different place, with decorations of all sorts. People seemed to be having a great time and, having talked to the house-elves herself, Lily knew that the food would be delicious.
"I had to attend all these really boring parties with my parents" James went on. "My mum always tried to pair me up with different girls and I had to dance with them all night… Every time when we got home my feet hurt so bad I didn't want to get out of bed for three days"
Lily laughed.
"And not a single one of those girls caught your special attention?"
"Not one"
The music stopped and so did they. James looked her right in the eye.
"The one I truly wanted was always out of reach"
Somewhere deep inside Lily knew what that meant, and yet she couldn't believe it. She opened her mouth to say something, but was interrupted by Dumbledore's voice:
"And now, it is time to enjoy our traditional and delicious Easter Dinner!"
Without another word, James dropped Lily's hands and they took their seats in silence. Soon, he was wrapped up in conversation with his friends and she was back to feeling confused.
James
"Chudley Cannons doesn't stand a chance…"
"You know that essay we're supposed to write for professor Binns…?"
"Oh my god, you have to taste this chicken…"
James remembered what it had been like the first few months after his parents died. No matter how hard he tried to tear it down, there was a wall between him and the rest of the world. He saw and heard people speaking, but he couldn't take in any of it. It was like he was there, but not really. He couldn't understand.
Now, he felt the same way. Only Lily was the reason behind it all.
"I think Puddlemere United really needs a new seeker…"
I can't do this. I can't do this. I can't do this.
He had almost crossed an invisible line. They had been standing so close, he desperately wanted to kiss her again and he had basically told her that no other girl had caught his special attention - ever. Thankfully, Dumbledore had interrupted their conversation before he could make a complete fool of himself. But still… It had been so close.
"Hi James!"
He looked up. During the time he was all wrapped up in his own thoughts, Amy Baker had taken Sirius' seat since he was back dancing with Amelia. James hadn't spoken a word to her since that embarrassing fiasco months ago, and he honestly thought that she still resented him. Not much had happened since then, though. She had changed her hair color from blonde to black, but just like the last time she greeted James it was obvious that she had been drinking alcohol.
"Hi Amy…" he replied, immediately wondering what she wanted. "Are you all right?"
She giggled and showed him a small bottle of firewhiskey in her purse under the table.
"I'll share it with you if you want" she said, blinking.
"Uhm, no thanks" James said. "Where is your date?"
"He's sitting over there, talking to his friends"
Amy sounded bored. James looked the way she was pointing and saw a bloke from Hufflepuff who he'd never laid his eyes on before. He was blonde, tanned and rather muscular. It surprised James that he didn't play quidditch.
"So…" Amy continued. "If Evans is your date, then why aren't you sitting with her?"
James furrowed.
"How do you know about that? That she's my date, I mean"
"Everybody knows that" Amy laughed a high pitched laugh that almost sent chills down James' spine. "Is she your girlfriend?"
The question was so blunt it took James a second to understand. Then, his heart sank and he shook his head.
"No" he said. "We're just friends"
"Really?"
Amy gave him a smile and he recognized it all too well from that night in the common room. It meant that she wanted something and that she felt sure she could have it. She didn't seem to have any recollection of what happened last time…
"There you are"
Someone put a hand on his shoulder and James turned around in his seat. Lily was standing there, glaring at Amy as if her life depended on it. She looked almost… disgusted. But why?
"Don't worry Lily, I'm taking care of him for you" Amy said, pretending like she didn't notice. "It must be so boring that you have to take each other to this ball simply because you're Head students… Personally, I think you should tell McGonagall that…"
"I was just going to make sure you haven't changed your mind" Lily interrupted her, her full attention on James now.
"Changed my mind?" he repeated confusedly.
Lily looked briefly at Alice, Amelia and the rest of her friends before she said:
"About Petunia's wedding. You'll still come with me, right?"
Lily
Lily had known that it was a bad idea from the very second Amelia suggested it. Maybe if she'd been better at hiding what she truly felt from her friends… But she couldn't. Amy Baker's smiles, her laugh and her way of reaching out almost as if she were about to touch him… It had all been too much. It proved one thing and one thing only, however: Lily was not handling the "just friends"-part very good. In fact, she couldn't handle it at all. Seeing James with somebody else was a hundred times more frustrating than she'd expected it would be and Amy Baker who he'd already hooked up with once before… Was he still interested in her?
Lily's heart was pounding like crazy while waiting for his reply. Amy looked surprised and shocked, and that was the only thing that Lily appreciated about this whole situation. But what if he said no? She'd die from humiliation…
"Yeah" James broke the silence. "Yeah, sure"
Her whole body relaxed at his words. She hadn't thought any of this through yet, but there would be time for that. He'd said yes. That ought to mean something. And maybe now that cow would leave him alone…
"Great" she said. "That's great…"
"Would you mind it if I borrowed your date for one dance?" Lily could barely believe her eyes (or ears) as Amy grabbed James' arm firmly. "I feel slightly abandoned by mine… And James just told me you two are only friends"
It was almost like Amy knew the effect her words would have on Lily. The latter stood there for a moment, unable to say anything for a long while.
"Of course" One jealous bitch-act for tonight was enough. "Yeah, I don't mind"
If James had told her they were just friends that's how he felt. She should respect that. They would attend Petunia's wedding as friends (good friends, even) and that was that. Amy Baker beamed at her and Lily could almost feel how something sharp and painful pierced her heart.
"Great! Have a good night, Lily"
James
James couldn't decide who he was most angry with; Amy Baker or himself. As the two of them were dancing to a song he'd never really liked, all he could think about was the look on Lily's face and what he should make of it. He wanted her, not the other way around. Right? That was how it had always been… But why would she ask him to Petunia's wedding (he'd actually get to meet her family) and why had she looked so upset when Amy wanted to dance with him?
And why hadn't he asked her about it? Holding Amy's hands was the only thing that prevented James from running off and go kick something very hard. He hated seeing Lily like that and he hated to be the cause of it.
"You seem rather distracted" Amy interrupted his thoughts.
"It's nothing" James lied, without even looking at her. "I'm just thinking, that's all"
"About what?"
How great this would be if I'd be dancing with Lily and not you.
"It's nothing" James repeated, seeing from the corner of his eye how Sirius gave him a weird look.
He was probably wondering why James suddenly had a different dance partner. Would this song never end?
"Is it your parents?"
Her words brought James back to reality. He stared at her.
"What?"
"You looked so upset…" Amy shrugged. "I thought it might have something to do with… You know, everything that's happened…"
"It's not that"
The killings. They died. They were murdered. Why did everybody act like the words themselves were poisonous? Why was everybody so afraid of the truth? Almost like it was something to be ashamed of...
"I realized I didn't even ask you about it last time…" Amy began but James interrupted her, already feeling like this conversation was heading in a direction he did not wish to take.
"I didn't want you to ask me anything"
"And I understand that it might be the whole reason behind why you were acting so weird"
Amy probably didn't mean for it to happen, but James couldn't help considering her words an insult to his parents' memory. Like they would be the reason behind something as stupid and pointless as him snogging Amy Baker. They were too important to even be mentioned in the same sentence as that night. In fact, James didn't want to discuss his parents with her at all…
"My parents had nothing to do with that" he replied cooly. "And I don't want to talk about them right now, okay?"
But Amy wasn't listening. They spun around and she went on, almost as if he hadn't said anything at all:
"Nobody that I've talked to has ever heard you mention that night. Have you talked to anyone about it?"
James was losing his patience. He stopped.
"Where is this coming from?" he snapped. "Last time you didn't give a damn about anything but trying to shag me and now you're asking me about all this?"
"I'm only curious!"
"And I'm only telling you to mind your own business!"
His voice was trembling as he spoke, but James felt relieved by his own words. He thought they would make Amy leave him right there on the spot. But she didn't.
"You could always tell me what happened. I'm a good listener… Why is that funny?"
He had let out something that sounded like a short, miserable laugh.
"It's not. But if you actually think that I'm going to stand here on a crowded dance floor at the Easter ball and tell you about the night when my parents got murdered… See? You can't even hear the word without shivering…"
"You know people go mad… From watching things like that" Amy's voice had changed now and it had grown cold rather than desperate. "They might not think so at first, but it'll show eventually… When the fear and nightmares and visions just never stop"
"I'm not mad" James said immediately, but he didn't know whether he was trying to convince Amy or himself.
She gave him a long look.
"Are you sure about that?"
"Even if he's not, I am"
She'd turned up out of nowhere and James didn't even see her standing there before he heard her voice. It made him relax in an instant and suddenly everything felt… okay again. He could breathe. Lily's voice was cold as ice when she told Amy:
"I think you should go now"
And thankfully, after having given them both a spiteful glance, she did. It took James a moment before he managed to look Lily in the eye. He wanted to explain that he'd rather dance a million dances with her than a single one with Amy Baker. That he would definitely be there and support her on her sister's wedding. Like she supported him, right now. Lily grabbed his right hand and squeezed it hard.
"Look at me" she said, her voice calm and yet full of strength. "Look at me, James. You're not mad. Okay? You're not mad"
Looking into those green eyes, almost losing himself in them, made him think that she was right.
"Thank you" he said quietly, knowing that no other words were needed.
She understood. And they started dancing again.
Author's note: Thanks for reading!
