Chapter 29: Not Today!
Time slows to a crawl. Our young genius, Rebecca Chambers, takes in the scene with a mind that works faster than you can say 'Holy crap'. The chainsaw gang, Lisa Trevor, and the bandersnatch, are all pursuing various good guys around the roof of the beached submarine. Six Majini are rip-roaring around on dirtbikes, and one of them is swinging a chain at Anthony's head. Salazar is zipping by in his Hotwheels jeep, laughing in super slow motion, and giant hammer guy is about to take a massive swing...
All of this, angles, trajectory, and wind resistance included, calculates through Rebecca's amazing mind in mere microseconds.
"ANTHONY!" she yells, "PULL YOUR SOCKS UP!"
The gangly lad gawks at her for a moment before quickly ducking, just in time for the dirtbike Majini's chain to whip through the air where his head had been moments ago—and wrap around giant hammer guy's hammer. Hammer guy stumbles, dropping his hammer, while dirtbike Majini is yanked off of his bike and goes flipping through the air, screaming the whole time. The large hammer smashes into the front of Salazar's jeep, hammer guy barrels into Lisa Trevor, the taut chain clotheslines chainsaw guy #2, while the out of control dirtbike takes out chainsaw sister #1 and the bandersnatch she's riding on. Salazar's jeep flies through the air, landing on chainsaw guy #1, and Salazar bowls into chainsaw sister #2. The remaining dirtbike Majini shriek in confusion and wobble around, smashing into each other and exploding.
Krauser is holding the sides of his head, his mouth agape at what has just happened.
Alfred faints. So does Brad.
Wesker's jaw is set so tightly that you can hear his teeth squeak. Hunk is taking notes. Morpheus is covering his eyes. Marcus falls to his knees, asking the heavens 'why'.
Carlos is just surveying the wreckage and going 'Duuuuude...'
Chris and Jill exchange high-fives, while Barry ruffles Rebecca's hair as she shrugs and smirks innocently with a sort of 'Oh did I do that?' expression.
Lisa Trevor, having eaten giant hammer guy, belches loudly. She then hacks up a femur and promptly goes to sleep.
Leon is pumping his fist super hard, while Claire is clutching her stomach and wheezing with hysterical laughter. Ada is smirking really big, and Steve and Ashley are hugging each other and cheering while jumping up and down and kicking their feet back.
The Birkins are poking at Salazar's body.
Anthony is awkwardly holding his hand out toward Rebecca to give her a congratulatory handshake on her handiwork, but she hasn't noticed him just yet.
Suddenly, Wesker runs over to Lisa and kicks her in the butt and then runs away.
Lisa arises with a furious roar, belching once or twice and then going on a rampage.
"LOOK OUT!" Jill yells.
"SHE'S INSANE!" Barry warns, holding his water pistol at the ready.
Lisa heads right for Rebecca, screaming and slobbering up a storm as she swings her arms with deadly force.
Just then, a shot rings out! Lisa reels sideways, grabbing her head and belching as the force of the .357 round knocks her for a loop.
Everyone gasps and looks over at none other than BILLY COEN!
"BILLY!" Rebecca exclaims. "YOU CAME BACK!"
Billy looks at her, furrowing his brow as he lowers his gun. "I didn't.. really go anywhere," he insists, looking around. "I mean I.. kind of hid in the ventilation shaft for a while, but that was only to avoid the mass freaking insanity of whatever.." he gestures around at the wreckage and chaos, "..THIS craziness was." Billy then nods to Rebecca. "Nice job with that, by the way."
Marcus slams his fists against the roof of the sub. "THIS IS TOTALLY UNFAIR!" he loudly laments in a sing-song voice.
Meanwhile, Lisa has recomposed herself and is searching hungrily for a new target.
"Lisa!" Wesker commands, pointing frantically at the good guys. "Seek! Seek! Kill!"
"Now THAT'S unfair!" Ada retorts, gesturing at the slavering monstrosity that is Lisa Trevor. "She's practically invulnerable for crying out loud!"
Brad sits up for a moment. "Make the author fight her." Then he faints again.
(two seconds later)
Kamesen stands before Lisa Trevor, staring in horror and disgust at the wretched creature. She is busy chewing on a random femur.
The author quickly looks around at everyone watching him. "Uh, Anthony stand in for me," he orders, gesturing to the rookie. "I command it."
"No way!" Anthony yells, swiping his arms in a firm 'no way' motion.
Kamesen walks over and slaps Anthony. Anthony stares in shock at the author for a moment, and then slaps him back. The two of them immediately go at it, grappling and shouting and pulling hair and clothing and generally making a big ol' fuss.
Claire Redfield beholds this pathetic sight alongside the others, and narrows her eyes as she looks from one flailing man to the other. "Wait..."
The female Redfield approaches the two, forcefully pulling them apart. "JUST HOLD IT A SECOND," Claire yells. Anthony and Kamesen huff and puff, wiping sweat aside and straightening themselves as they glare at one another and then at Claire. "Look at him," Claire insists. Kamesen obliges, glancing at Anthony. "Look at him and look at yourself. You're the same."
Everyone gasps. Brad sits up for a moment, then faints again.
Marcus shrilly demands an explanation for this, and a few people tell him to shut up.
Kamesen sighs, glancing downward. "It's true. I am Anthony Mihovich."
Everyone gasps again. Brad's still unconscious, so Barry reaches down and picks him up by the arm and then drops him again.
Anthony scratches the side of his face, then rubs his nose, staring long and hard at Kamesen. "Wait...you're me?"
"No," Kamesen replies. "You're me."
Upon being a witness to this profound revelation, Anthony Mihovich falls to his knees. He stares at Kamesen...at himself. "You mean I'm nothing more than a gratuitous self-insert, my only purpose being to fulfill the author's-...YOUR..twisted fantasy of being a character in a Resident Evil story?"
With a grave expression etched on his face, Kamesen places a heavy hand upon Anthony's shoulder. "Yeah." he nods. "Pretty much."
"Half a mo'," Rebecca interjects, shoving Anthony out of the way and facing Kamesen. "So what does all this say about ME, eh?" Kamesen begins sweating as Rebecca draws closer, furrowing her brow critically. "Is this entire story actually just some sordid plot to get in my pants?"
Kamesen shifts his eyes left and right quickly. "THIS INTERVIEW IS OVER!" he yells, turning and running to the edge of the sub, then diving awkwardly into the sea.
Turning back to the others, Rebecca huffs and places her hands on her hips, shaking her head.
"This is so weird," Anthony mutters, rubbing his forehead while he stares blankly at this shoes.
Meanwhile, Lisa Trevor is hollering up a storm, her long arms held above her head as she roars and slobbers and searches for a new target. Setting her hollow, sunken eyes on Billy, she screams in bloodlust and shambles toward him. "BUUURRRRRRR!"
"Aw SHADDAP," Leon yells, running over suddenly and kicking Lisa in the groin. She belches up a femur and collapses, defeated.
"Holy CRAP!" Wesker exclaims, mouth agape. "Did that seriously just happen?"
Jill slams her hands onto her hips, guffawing haughtily with her chest puffed out. "It sure DID, Wesker! HAW."
The bad guys break down into angry complaining, mournful weeping, and threats of horrible violence. Meanwhile, Leon is marching around singing 'I am a Real American' while the good guys high-five one another and exchange congratulatory platitudes.
"Wesker," Chris starts, pausing to grin, "you're pitiful."
The blonde villain just stares quietly at Chris from behind his dark shades.
Then he turns around and starts walking away.
"Hey!" Chris yells, drawing his gun. "STOP!" Everyone pulls out weapons, aiming at Wesker and co.
Surprisingly, Wesker does stop. He turns his head aside, tossing a smirk back at the heroes. "Playtime is over, Chris. Byyyyyyyye~" Wesker heads back toward the beach, badguys in tow.
Meanwhile, the good guys just stand there aiming their guns at the retreating villains.
"Um," Rebecca whispers, "should we like...shoot them or something?"
"NO," Jill whispers back harshly.
Chris tightens his grip on his weapon, squinting. "Wait for it...wait for it...NOW." He runs forward suddenly, and a random metal door slides shut in front of him. "DAMN!" Chris yells, pounding his fist against the door. "He got away!"
"What?" Rebecca lowers her gun and walks over, peeking around the door. "What IS this?" She turns to Chris, who is grimacing and grunting and pacing in frustration. "Chris, you can just go around the door. Just go around the door and SHOOT WESKER."
The hulky hero waves his hands in a dismissive windmill pattern, walking past Rebecca to address the others. "Ok gang, Wesker may have escaped our grasp.. But the main mission still stands!"
Groans of dismay float up from the crew. Brad goes into a coma.
"That's right," Chris continues, "we must go forward and purchase Resident Evil 5!"
Barry leans over to Steve, whispering at the teen. "Hey, seen the new trailer for Resident Evil 6 yet?"
"Yeah," Steve mumbles back. "I hope I'm in it."
Barry just leans back, staring awkwardly at the young man. Steve chews obliviously on his lower lip, and turns his attention to Claire's midriff.
"Hey cut the chatter!" Chris squeals. "Let's pony up and GET THAT GAME!" With that, he turns and begins meandering off aimlessly onto the sandy beach of Somewhere, Japan. The group reluctantly follows suit.
ooo
Meanwhile, back in the Heinous Hideout, Queen Alexia is- uh, passed out drunk in her throne, snoring loudly.
Saddler is sitting in his throne, just staring at her as if she has grown a second head. He draws a slow, steady breath through his nostrils, puffing his chest out as he does so. After a moment's pause, Saddler sighs and reluctantly pulls out a long blonde wig..
ooo
"UPDATE!" a faux feminine voice demands. Wesker and co. look around in bewilderment as they walk along the beach. "UPDAAAATE!" the voice shrieks again.
"Uh," Krauser pushes his beret aside to scratch his head. "Alfred, isn't that your deranged sister?"
The more delicate of the Ashford twins shakes his head violently. "NO. I would recognize her voice anywhere. And that most certainly is NOT my Alexia," Alfred notes with uncomfortable pride.
Confused, Kid Nemesis (still aged down) pulls the portable communicator out of his pocket. Osmund Saddler's hideous face appears on the screen. He is wearing lipstick, and has luxurious long blonde hair.
"THIS IS ALEXIA ASHFORD," Saddler announces shrilly, his voice cracking.
Wesker immediately breaks into hysterical laughter, doubling over and clutching his stomach.
Hunk and Carlos chuckle dryly, hiding their amused smirks. Salazar is shrieking with laughter, which causes him to weave erratically as he struggles to control his Power Wheels jeep. He smashes into a rock, still laughing.
"YOU ARE NOT ALEXIA!" Alfred screams, face reddened in rage.
"I AM TOO ALEXIA!" Saddler argues, batting his eyelashes and proudly tossing his hair back.
Wesker has pissed himself laughing, and is currently laying half-curled on his side, wheezing silently as tears trickle down his cheeks.
"I...rather like the new look," Morpheus states. Marcus nods in agreement, running his fingers through his own hair as he stares at the odd visage.
Kid Nemesis scratches his head in confusion. Krauser leans over, squinting at the communicator screen. "...Saddler?"
"N...NO," Saddler argues, his eyes shifting nervously. "THIS IS ALEXIA. AND I DEMAND AN UPDATE."
Krauser raises his eyebrows, shrugging. "Okay. Well, we got our asses handed to us by our enemies, thanks to our lack of powerful comrades," he informs, irked by the infuriating incident, "but we gave 'em the slip and now we're en route to the closest game store so that we can get our hands on Resident Evil 5."
Hunk leans over to Carlos while Krauser briefs the Sadlexia. "Hey...look, normally I'm not one to question orders," the mercenary begins, keeping his voice just above a whisper, "but what exactly is the significance of owning this game?"
Carlos shrugs, frowning with half of his mouth. "I don't know, man. It was the author's stupid idea."
"I resent that," Kamesen states, crawling out of the ocean beside them. He coughs up a fish, wrings out his shirt, shakes the water off of him, and addresses the bad guys. "How ya'll doin'?"
Alfred, still horrifically peeved that Saddler is parading around as his sister, confronts the author. "YOU'RE the one writing this stupid story!" he yells, waving a hand wildly. "YOU should know! We're tired and we want this thing to end so that I can go home and BEAT SADDLER TO A PULP FOR IMPERSONATING MY SISTER!" As Alfred says this, he turns to address the communicator.
On the screen, Sadlexia feigns shock and anger. "How...how DARE you say that about Lord Saddler!" he retorts. "He's a beautiful man, and strong, and handsome, and.. and I'm in LOVE with him!"
Dead silence.
Carlos snorts outwardly, pursing his lips to keep from laughing as he turns away. Marcus rolls his eyes, and Morpheus just looks really concerned. Hunk frowns in distaste. Krauser is looking worried. Wesker is still laying on the ground, listening in, an open-mouthed grin of sheer glee frozen on his face.
Alfred's lips quake with mounting fury, his face changing from red to crimson. A deafening cry of hate bursts from his mouth, and he lunges for the communicator. Kid Nemesis roars in tiny disapproval, yanking the communicator away and then running off with it.
Salazar gives chase in his jeep, cheering Alfred on. Krauser and Hunk lift Wesker between them and follow on foot, with Carlos casting a glance behind him to watch for their enemies. He is still chuckling to himself.
Marcus and Morpheus share a glance of utter disdain for the situation. They simultaneously sigh and rudge along after their evil compatriots.
Kamesen, with nothing better to do (and having no one else who can stand his presence), decides to tag along with the band of baddies for now.
ooo
Elsewhere, Josh Stone makes his way across the Japanese countryside, trying to locate Kirk so that he can get a helicopter ride back to BSAA HQ and pick up the Resident Evil 5 game on the way. Sheva Alomar incessantly follows him, constantly telling him that he 'needs to be careful' and 'don't be reckless'.
Just when Josh is preparing to roll his eyes for the eight-thousandth time, the two of them run across a Japanese couple. "Good morning," Josh greets them, then asks "I'm trying to find the nearest video game store..."
The couple look at each other, then look at Josh, and then shrug.
"Allow me," Sheva says, stepping forward. She clears her throat, and then politely asks- in flawless formal Japanese- where the local videogame shop is.
Josh raises his eyebrows, gaping. "Sheva, how did you do that?"
She sighs in response. "I was born in Africa, moved to the U.S., and learned to speak English...in a British accent." Pausing, Sheva glances at Josh. "So...yeah. Things don't have to make sense."
Meanwhile, the Japanese couple is still shrugging. Repeatedly.
Sheva frowns, tracing a frowny face on her lips to exaggerate the expression. "You still don't understand us?"
The man speaks up. "No, we got you the first time. We just don't know where the heck the videogame shop is."
"Good luck though," the woman adds. The couple walks off.
Josh and Sheva gape at each other, then slap their foreheads and fall over. This is followed by a musical cue and canned laughter.
ooo
"Maybe I'm the one. Maybe I'm the one. Who is. The schizophrenic psycho, yeah," Anthony Mihovich sings to himself as the team walks along. He is still apparently somewhat shaken by the revelation that the author is...him.
Ashley, walking nearby, pulls out a guitar and plugs it into a mini amp carried by Steve. She accompanies Anthony's singing with expert playing. Steve stares longingly at her mad guitar skills, and seems to be conflicted as he looks from Ashley, to Claire, to Ashley again.
Leon chimes in suddenly. "BACK IN THE DAYS, WHEN WE WERE YOUNG-" he is interrupted by a slap to the back of the head from Claire.
Meanwhile, Barry seems concerned about something. He falls into step beside their fearless leaders. "Uh, Chris?"
"Yep," Chris answers.
Barry scratches his beard worriedly. "I'm wondering how we're going to get the game."
Jill looks up from her crossword puzzle while she walks. "What do you mean, Barry?"
"Well, we're in Japan, right? But...I don't think any of us speaks Japanese.." the heavyset man trails off, doing his classic 'dang it' wince.
Chris frowns, turning as they walk, and looking over the team. His gaze falls upon Ada. He smiles. Sensing that someone is staring at her, the woman looks back at Chris. "Does 'Wong' sound Japanese to you?" she mutters exasperatedly. Chris squints, frowning again as he turns forward.
"Hey," Leon pipes up, "you Birkins are pretty sharp. Any of you bilingual?"
"Nein," Annette remarks, flipping through her notes on the D-Virus.
Suddenly, Steve raises his hand. "Hey, I speak Japanese!" He grins at Claire. "Want to know how to say 'Rockin' booty' in Japanese?"
She decks him in the face with a right hook.
"I just forgot all the Japanese I ever knew," Steve reports dazedly, grabbing at the invisible birdies chirping around his head.
Chris sighs, throwing his hands in the air. "Great! Thanks a LOT, Claire!" he snaps. Claire just blows a raspberry at her brother.
"We'll burn that bridge when we come to it," Jill assures the team, while continuing her crossword puzzle.
Billy rolls his eyes. "I think you meant 'cross' that bridge when we come to it."
Jill grabs her buttcheek and makes a fart noise with her mouth.
Meanwhile, William Birkin is grabbing his tummy wummy. "Is anyone else.. ridiculously hungry?" he queries. The team regards his question with grunts and various half-hearted shrugs.
"Quit whining, 'Willhelm'," Claire says, causing the man to weirdly bare his teeth at her.
Sherry interjects with an interesting statement. "Dad, you're probably hungry on account of the G-Virus running rampant through your veins."
"Indeed," William responds, stroking his chin in thought. He casts a curious gaze upon his aged-up kin. "Any thoughts on how I should counter this terrible hunger?"
Sherry walks in silence for a moment. Then she looks to William again. "You could eat mom."
Annette doesn't seem fazed. She looks at her husband as they walk along, staring straight into his eyes. "Eat me, William. Eat me."
He just stares back at her, an expression of distaste crossing his face. "Bleh. No thanks, 'bro'."
Leon turns as they walk, appalled at William's misuse of his precious one-liner. "I think the hunger is making your husband crazy," he remarks.
"Nonsense," Annette says with a wave of her hand. William, meanwhile, is mumbling to himself and snatching at invisible flies around his head.
"Everyone looks like giant burritos," he mumbles.
Ada steps up her pace a bit, nervously glancing back. "I, for one, do not wish to become his next meal," she states. "Someone do something scandalous."
"Huh?" Barry furrows his brow, looking puzzled.
"Just trust me," Ada insists. "Do something scandalous."
Claire shrugs and reaches over, flipping Ashley's skirt up. "Woop!"
Before Ashley can even gasp in shock, Ben Bertolucci runs up and snaps a photo of the event. "What a scoo-"
William roars monstrously and the G-Type giant doglike monster head bursts out of his mouth and swallows Ben whole. The entire mess is sucked back into William's face in the next instant.
Everyone (except for Annette and Sherry) beholds the scientist with expressions of horror, terror, fear, confusion, and 'I may have pooped a little'.
Opening his (regular) mouth again, William emits a long, deep belch of earth-shaking proportions. A camera flies out and hits the ground. "Pardon me," he says, patting his chest. "Whew. Ok I'm good."
The crew wordlessly continues walking. Albeit a bit further ahead of the Birkins than before.
"Man," Steve mumbles, "Now I'M hungry..."
Author's Note: Heavens to Betsy! The good guys managed to cheat death for now, but how long until the bad guys regroup and re..attack? They've made it to Japan.. and now it's a neck-and-neck dog-eat-dog ten-cents-off battle of the bands over who will purchase Resident Evil 5 first! Tune in next week to watch Brad crap his pants or something!
ON THE NEXT EXCITING EPISODE OF RESIDENT EVIL: SUPER QUEST!
Ada: Oh Anthony..
Anthony: What.
Kamesen: HEY, I WAS SUPPOSED TO GET WITH HER.
Claire: Oh Anthony..
Anthony: STOP IT, I'M SCARED.
Kamesen: Dang it, why aren't they listening! When I say 'Falls in love with Anthony', that means ME, not HIM!
Wesker: You have to put 'Kamesen', you dope! Or else they'll jump on your lame-ass self insert!
Ada: What! I jump on no one, lest it be to disembowel them with a hidden dagger!
Marcus: Oh Kamesen..
Kamesen: ...I did not write that.
Marcus: YES YOU DID
Steve: Oh Claire..
Claire: Shut up, you crap-tastical craphead! *swings a punch at him*
Hunk: Oh Ada..
Rebecca: Oh, brother!
Everyone: *LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY*
