A/N: thanks to all your reviews! They mean the world to me! This will give you a bigger insight of Bella's mind. Just so you know.
Slim14 no, I have not seen south of nowhere… why?
Lost-lil-Neko awww, thanks!
I DO NOT OWN TWILIGHT!
Ch.29
Bpov
(One month after the last chapter)
I'm pacing back and forth looking or well glaring at the note on my fathers desk. His will left me this note but I have never opened it. Not entirely certain I wanted to know what my father wanted me to know about him that he could not tell me while he was alive.
I'm so fucking nervous, my hands are practically shaking. I'm sweating and I can feel the dreaded emotions seeping through my elaborately constructed walls. I don't want to open the flood gates but I don't want the dam to burst either.
I look at the white envelope on the desk with my name in my fathers elegant script. The contrast from the black wood of his desk and that note are taunting. I knot a hand in my hair and huff slightly while I debate with myself whether or not to open this note.
I've had the same struggle for around two years. Since my dad died, that note has sat in the safe mocking me. But… I'm afraid what I will find. I'm not naïve as to believe its something good. My father was many things but when it came to telling me bad news he was a complete coward.
Which always struck me as odd, seeing as he fought in war and what not but, my guess was always that he hated hurting me and could never look in my eyes while telling me something bad.
My mind flashes to the night at the hospital when dad told me that Connor was still alive… the time in the waiting room when he told me mom had passed away… then it flashes to me in a hospital bed after my car accident.
I was alone, scared and then… I had just had my world flipped up side down with my father's death and facing that I was alone in this world when the doctors told me that because of that stupid bastard behind the wheel I would never had kids.
They had to save me and that was the only way how…. Didn't they know I wanted to die? Hadn't they seen the look on my face when they practically told me I was cursed to live alone without the possibility of having a child to at least shine some light in my dark life in the future?
I remembered everything, the way I had hated the world for so long… the destructive path I had taken after that. How I shifted from girl to boy to make me feel better. I had always known I was good looking, I might be a bit vain. But, I knew that I appealed to both sexes and I took advantage of that.
If my heart had to be so broken, why should other people, cruel people, have their hearts intact? Why should I be the only person suffering in pain? I had lost my mother, my girlfriend, been raped, lost my best friend, lost my father and my ability to have children. What was left for me?
Sure I had money, but no one to spend it on beside's myself. I had looks but no one to hold me and tell me how beautiful I was. I had good grades, but no one to impress. I was dead emotionally and I had wished for so long to be dead physically.
I began to resent myself and punish myself the only way I knew how. Being a self-destructive person. Not caring about consequences because I had no one to be disappointed in me, no one to watch over me, no one to upset if I had passed away.
Money would pay my way out of most things and others my age helped. Drugs, alcohol, sex and violence. The four things that kept me restrained enough not to kill myself. Though in the back of my mind, after ever shot, after ever pull, after ever punch I would wonder… what would happen if I just… didn't wake up?
Every night once I closed my eyes I would smile, the slight chance that I wouldn't wake up as my lullaby. My internal mantra, the only thing that brought comfort. Then the school noticed my destructive behavior, the therapist told me to take depression pills.
I had smirked at the idea, pills, weed, alcohol and violence. The universe was giving me my out. They were giving me every single thing I needed to kill myself slowly and painfully and not feel guilty about it.
One extra pill, one extra shot, one extra drag and one more punch. Anything that brought that solution to my problem was held with open arms but… it never came. I would take my medication and fall asleep. I would drink my medication with alcohol and get drugged.
I would try anything but… I couldn't find it in myself to just die. Why was that?
I shake my head violently at my thoughts. No! I won't give up life. Not now, not when I have Alice. I could never… I shake my head again and sit in the chair behind the desk.
It was pretty obvious to myself though, when Alice leaves me… I wouldn't have a reason to live anymore. I'm living for her, because strange enough she loves me and I love her. But… once she finds out how sick I really am. How my mind and my world are just… to much to bear.
She will leave. And when she does… I don't plan to live long after that. Just enough for her not to feel guilty about it. I wouldn't fandom the idea of telling her as many people would.
'If you leave me, I'll kill myself.' I snort. That is just asking for attention. I don't want attention, I just want my pain to stop. Alice, she takes the pain away but when she leaves… I'm back to being haunted.
When Alice leaves me for good, I will wait for at least a month before I act. I can just write a stupid note saying the stress of my business or that the memories of this town were to much for me.
Something… anything to not make Alice feel guilty. Because even when she leaves me, I will love her. I will always love her… I laugh to myself. "How strange is it to think about your own death so calmly." I state to myself.
"But… how would I do it? A gun is to messy… alcohol would make it look like an accident…. Hmm…. Depression pills? I can just "accidentally" take to many…" I trail off my eyes glued to that envelope.
I sigh and shake my head, I can't think of death. Alice is still in love with me and I won't dread about crossing the bridge until I'm there. I sigh again and look at the white envelope.
"You cause this you know." I say to it. Expecting it to answer… maybe I'm going insane? …. Yup. Shit, did I just answer myself? I think I did. Shit, just didn't again. Yeah, I'm going fucking crazy. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrreat! Just what I needed, dementia to the list of whats wrong with me.
I shake my head and stand grabbing the note and throwing it in the safe before I shut it forcefully. I walk back to the desk and open the other white envelope that I have been waiting for the past month. The damn DNA test for that girl. "Shanon Espinoza…." I read the name from the card in side.
I read through the note expertly until I reach the middle line. "The test prove… negative of all traces. 0% compatibility with the blood of Charlie Swan." I read and sigh in relief. I can't help the small laugh that escapes me as I crumple the note and throw it in the trashcan.
"Thanks to whoever is up there." I sigh and lean back in the chair. I had taken to use my fathers office more now, since Alice is over all the time and I don't want to have a mess everywhere.
I frown… Alice. She's pissed at me. I'm not completely sure what I did wrong but I know I upset her. Well, I kinda have an idea why… she was in no mood to fool around but I was just bugging her, I wasn't going to act on anything.
I was just trying to lighten up her sour mood because she got an F in biology. So I was bugging her that maybe if she studied human anatomy she would get better at it. That apparently caused her to get mad at me. I tried to joke around her anger, trying to make her crack a smile but it backfired.
~flashback~
"What? So suddenly I'm just another fucking sex toy? If I don't feel like having sex, I won't Bella. Not everybody is fucking addicted to sex!" She yells at me when I parked the car in front of her driveway and offered getting her off to lighten up her mood.
That was a big mistake. "Baby, what! I'm just saying that if you have an orgasm your mood will get a whole lot better. Its jut one 'F' its not the end of the world." I had said brushing it off.
"This F means I can't go with you to Paris! Bella, my god take something seriously for once." She growls. I frown. "It suck's honey, but there will be more trips to Paris. If you can't come with me to this one I'll take you in the summer." I say smiling at her.
She stares at me sadly. "Your gong without me?" she asks. I frown. "I kind have two, their expecting my visit beside, its just a room filled with boring business men. Nothing too entertaining, you were going to be the highlight of that trip but seeing as your not going, I'll cut it short." I say shrugging.
"So, you just wanted me there to fuck while everyone bored you to death?" She growls. I stare at her in confusion. "Since when have I ever just used you for sex Alice! Never not once, where the hell is all this bull shit coming from?" I ask her.
She turns her death glare on me and I stiffen a bit. "Oh, so now I'm talking bullshit." She says. I shrug. "You are!" I say and then she slapped me. I wince as I feel the stinging in my cheek and when I look back she's getting out of the car. I grab her arm and pull her back in.
"What the hell has gotten in to you!?" I yell at her. She glares at me and I glare back holding her arm to keep her here. "The girls in the locker room are right aren't they?" She asks.
I frown. "What girls in the locker room?" I ask. She slaps my hand away from her arm. "The girls! The ones that were flirting with you the other day! Your just with me because I'm something new! But once you get tired of sleeping with me your will just to the next girl. There right aren't they!" She says looking in my eyes.
"It doesn't really mater what I say does it? You already made up your mind to who to believe. You rather believe the girls in the locker room? Then me, the person that loves you and who you love back? That's just peachy Alice, just fucking peachy." I say in a clip tone.
She just stared at me for a long moment before speaking. "I don't know who to believe anymore. Your acting so distant lately but everytime I try talking to you just close up." She says. I glare at her. "Because there are some things I would rather you not know just yet." I say.
She snorts. "Your acting like a frightened child. Everytime I bring up a subject you don't like you just ignore it." She says to me. I wince at the blow and clench my hands against the steering wheel until my knuckles are white.
"I. Do. Not. Act. Like. A. Child. Mary Alice." I say slowly through girted teeth. She laughs. "Oh realy? You don't, you don't avoid conversations when they get to emotional. You don't try to joke around a problem? Face it Bella. Your just a scared child." She snaps at me.
That did it. "You want a child Alice! Think about seeing your mother getting killed right in front of you when your fucking ten-years-old and having to grow the fuck up because your dad doesn't even know how to take care of you. Try acting like a child when your friend rapes you and your girlfriend thinks its your fault! Try acting like a child when your father is diagnosed with Cancer and there is nothing you can do but watch him die! I have never been a damn child Alice, I was forced to grow up. A privilege you still seem unneeded." I snap out.
The car is quiet and without a word I start the car back up and drive her to her house. I stop right in front of her house but make no move to get out and open the door for her. "Bella…" Alice tries but I'm still angry.
I turn to face her my eyes hard and cold. "What?" I clip out. I look in her eyes and see that she's about to cry, a part of me wants to hold her but damit! She makes me want to hurt her!
She makes me want to make her cry. I sigh and cup her cheek softly and bring her head over to mine and kiss her forehead. "I have to go pack up my suitcase for the plane tomorrow, you are still invited Alice. Just don't tell them about the grade until you get back." I say resting my forehead on hers.
I'm still pissed but not so much at her then at her insecurities. "I can't.. the teacher already called them." She says softly. My eyes are closed, I don't want to stare in her eyes, the boiling anger is still beneath the surface. "Then I'll call you later tonight and see you tomorrow morning. My plane leaves in the evening." I say softly.
She nods against my forehead and I open my eyes a crack to stare in hers for a moment. Her eyes are guarded and I sigh and kiss her forehead against before pulling back. "Goodnight, Alice." I say softly.
She nods and turns to open her door. When she closes it I lower the window remembering something. "Alice." I call out leaning over the empty seat to look at her. She turns. "Yeah?" She asks snifling a bit, she's going to cry once she enters her room.
"The girls in the locker room were wrong, just so you know." I say and don't wait for a response when I put the car in reverse and reverse my way out of the driveway. I'm being a jerk I know but, she wanted an answer.
Then I look at my jacket flung against the seat, the envelope in my poket has been burning a hole in it since this morning.
~End flashback~
I shake my head at the memory and frown. I didn't tell her I loved her, I didn't kiss her goodnight. Shit, I'm the worst girlfriend ever. I sigh and walk out of the study turning off the lights with it. I walk over to the music area and grab my phone from the top of the piano.
Zero missed calls. I frown and sit down on the piano bench and look out the window. I should have given her a kiss at the least. Just a kiss goodnight…. Hey… I got an idea. I smile, I'm fixing this fight.
I flip my phone over and call Alice's house. It rings three times before someone picks it up. "Cullen Residence." I deep motherly tone greets. I sigh, thank god. "Hello, Esme. It's me Bella." I say. "Oh, Bella dear. How are you, we missed you for dinner tonight." She says.
I grimace riiiight… I was supposed to have dinner with Alice's family tonight. I shrug. "I had a business call. I'm sorry I missed it." I say politely. "No worry's dear. Now, what can I help you with?" She asks.
I smile. She knows I don't wish to talk to Alice, because I would have called her cell phone. Smart woman. " Well, I was actually wondering if you could help me surprise Alice this evening." I say.
There's a soft laugh. "You don't say, what kind of surprise?" She asks. I frown a bit. "Well, we sorta got in a fight today and well I just wanted to apologize but, I know that if I show up she will just slam the door on my face." I say.
Esme laughs. "Yes, she does have quiet the temper. What did you have in mind for an apology?" She says. I smile again, she doesn't ask why we faught or blames me. She's completely neutral and I adore Alice's mother.
"Well, if it didn't bother you or Carlisle I was planning on-"
Apov.
I stare blankly at the sketch pad in front of me. I have been doing this for around… ten minutes? Maybe more. I sigh and throw the sketch pad to the floor and lean back on my bed.
Bella, you are such a jerk… but so am I. I had no right to call Bella a child and call her out on closing up. I knew Bella was a guarded person since the day I met her… so, why did I pressure her?
Because I'm a jerk? But, she doesn't see the way girls flirt with her. Sure she doesn't flirt back or anything but it still pisses me off. I mean really, I'm her girlfriend, I'm right next to her. Can't you just back the hell up?
I groan and sit back on the bed staring at my celing. Just then theres a knock on my door. "Come in." I say not moving. The door opens slowly and I turn my head to see Esme enter the room with a confused look on her face as she holds roses and a note.
"Some man just dropped this off for you, it doesn't have a name. So I'm just hoping its from Bella." She says walking over to the bed and hands it to me. I sit up and look at the rose, it's a bright red and I sniff it and the scent of rose peddles assaults my nose. I chuckle a bit but frown.
Who sent me this? Wouldn't Bella write her name on it? I look at the card on my other hand. Just a white envelope. Esme excuses herself with a smile on her lips and I frown and shrug. I guess she thinks their from Bella.
I look at the note again, they have to be from Bella. Who else would send me a note and roses? I shrug and open the card.
'Eyes shine like two starts and a smile that out shines the moon. Go outside so that I can show you how much I love you.' It reads in Bella's elegant script. Yup, its from Bella. I frown. "Go outside?" I ask myself as I stand up from my bed and head over to the balcony door.
As soon as I take a step outside a guitar starts to play. A guitar, I notice and I take two more steps and gasp at what I see. Bella in my backyard, a candle formed heart with Bella playing a guitar in the center of it.
She looks in my eyes and smiles before she starts singing in her soft honey like tone, I love when she sings. I love her voice its so soothing.
Lying here with you so close to me
It's hard to fight these feelings when it feels so hard to breathe
Caught up in this moment
Caught up in your smile
I've never opened up to anyone
So hard to hold back when I'm holding you in my arms
We don't need to rush this
Let's just take it slow
Just a kiss on your lips in the moonlight
Just a touch of the fire burning so bright
No, I don't wanna mess this thing up
I don't wanna push too far
Just a shot in the dark that you just might
Be the one I've been waiting for my whole life
So baby I'm alright
With just a kiss goodnight
I know that if we give this a little time
It'll only bring us closer to the love we wanna find
It's never felt so real
No it's never felt so right
Just a kiss on your lips in the moonlight
Just a touch of the fire burning so bright
No, I don't wanna mess this thing up
I don't wanna push too far
Just a shot in the dark that you just might
Be the one I've been waiting for my whole life
So baby I'm alright
With just a kiss goodnight
No I don't want to say goodnight
I know it's time to leave, but you'll be in my dreams
Tonight
Tonight
Tonight
Just a kiss on your lips in the moonlight
Just a touch of the fire burning so bright
No, I don't wanna mess this thing up
I don't wanna push too far
Just a shot in the dark that you just might
Be the one I've been waiting for my whole life
So baby I'm alright
Ooooh, let's do this right,
Just a kiss goodnight
With a kiss goodnight
Kiss goodnight
Her voice soft as honey almost taking that dream quality finishes the song. She takes a deep breath and smiles up at me. "I forgot to give you a kiss goodnight." She says smiling up at me.
I'm frozen, she did not just. She didn't just do this. My heart is thudding in my chest and legs feel weak. "If you come down here, I think I might be able to give it to you." She says smiling at me.
My brain decides to work just then and storm back into my room and I run down the stairs. The whole family is watching Bella from the glass doors leading to the back. I storm past them not even giving them a smile before I'm in the back yard and Bella is looking up at the balcony and then her eyes shift to me.
She smiles slightly and places the guitar on the ground and motions me over. I walk over with shaky legs and once in the middle of the candle formed heart Bella speaks. "I was a jerk to you today and I'm sorry. Alice, I was just scared about some rumor that has been running around about my father and I didn't know how to tell you. I didn't want to worry you, I'm sorry. I should have told you but… how can I tell you something when I still don't know how to face the truth." She says to me.
I frown. "What do you mean?" I ask. She shakes her head. "That your right, I was acting like a scared little kid. I should have just faced it and tell you what was going on but I couldn't face it if you looked at me the same way people in school do Alice… I couldn't see that pity in your eyes because that would have killed me." She says looking in my eyes.
I frown and step forward to cup her face in my hand. "Bella, I have never pitied you. What would make you think I would now?" I ask. She frowns and in her eyes I see a battle. "Trust me enough to be there for you, Bella." I say softly.
"There a rumor… about my dad… that he had a double life and that… he has another kid. A year or maybe a few years younger then me but, he died before I could ask him about it. So I'm still in the dark about that and… I don't know how to act because the man I knew as my father would have never done that to my family. So I'm in between accepting that my father was not the man I knew or hating the world for thinking so lowly as him." She says quietly.
Her arms wrap around my waist and pull me to her until her forehead is on mine. "But Alice, what killed me was that you thought you were only some toy for me. Haven't I told you enough how much I love you? How could you let a stupid comment like that mess with your head? Can you see that the only reason I have left for living is you? Haven't I showed you in every way, shape or form that you are the only person that can ever hold my heart?" She asks me.
Her voice is needy, she needs the answers and I frown. I know all of this is true. "You have." I say softly. She holds me tighter against her body. "Then why do you keep doubting me? Doubting that I love you with everything that I have?" She asks me softly. Her voice is pained and I want to cry just knowing I caused it.
"I don't. I just doubt that I'm not enough to hold you to me." I say softy. Her sad eyes lock into mine and she cups my face with one hand and I drop one hand from her face and cradle her neck.
"Your hold on me is forever, never doubt that." She says and with that she kisses me. I kiss her back sweetly. Showing her how much I love her while she does the same. I can feel the emotion pouring off my Bella as she holds me.
She loves me, she loves me and I act like an idiot. I knot a hand in her hair and she moans in to the kiss and pulls me impossibly closer. "I love you." She says when she breaks apart from the kiss for a moment. I mimicked her. "I love you too." I say and kiss her again.
Then there's a flash and we both freeze and break apart to look next to us to see… Esme. With a camera smiling at us. "I'm sorry dears but it was to adorable. First make up after a fight." She says smiling.
Bella chuckles. "Thank you again Esme." She says and I look between her and mom. "YOU knew?" I ask her. She nods. "I helped her form the heart." She says smiling. I laugh and hug Bella to me.
Just then Carlisle walks out and puts an arm around mom's waist. "So." Dad speaks. "Bella told us… or well... begged us really to let you go with her to Paris for the weekend." Dad says smiling.
I look up at Bella to see her looking at my dad. I look back and raise an eyebrow. "You can go." He says and I jump out of Bella's arms and to mom and dad and hug them and kiss them.
I jump up and down and then I look back to see Bella. She's staring at the floor a small smile on her lips. I jump over to her and hug her. "Can you believe it? We're going to Paris!" I squeal to her. She laughs and smiles brightly. "Shouldn't you start packing your bag? Oh, and don't worry. We're gong on an Alice shopping spree in Paris so I bet your coming back with three more suitcases." She chuckles.
I gap at her. "Bella." I say in shock and she shrugs. "It's paris Alice, how can I take you there and not pay for a shopping spree?.. or two." She says chuckling. I gap and hug her. "My god, I love you." I say to her. She laughs and hugs me back.
My parents laugh. "That's cute but." Mom says and I groan. "Nooo, no buts." I whine. Mom laughs. "Yes, buts. The only but is you need to apply yourself more young lady." Mom says.
I smile and nod. "I will, oh, I swear I'll get straight A's this semester." I promise before squealing and jumping in Bella's arms. She laughs in my ear. I grab her hand and pull her to the house. "I need to pack. Help me pack." I say to her. She chuckles and follows me.
Once we get to my room I close the door and pin her against it and kiss her. Bella freezes for a moment before kissing me back after a few minutes she pulls away to gasp for air. "Wow…. What was… that for?" She asks with a smile still panting.
"That was for being the best girlfriend in the world, and because I love you." I say hugging her. She hugs me back and kisses the top of my head. "I love you, too." She says kissing the top of my head. "I loved the song but… I don't only just want a kiss goodnight…. I want all of you." I say in her ear before kissing her beneath her ear and she shudders.
She wraps an arm around me waist and and walks over to the bed. "You know what the best thing after a fight is?" She ask in my ear. I shake my head and she grins "Make up sex." She whispers in my ear before attacking my neck.
A/N: Loved this chapter? And! Next chapter is a lemon! Can they keep quiet? Let's find out! Review!
