Chapter Twenty-Nine: Spring Rains

Let's talk about change.

Change; it happens. You win, you lose, you smile you cry. It's there, it happens, whether you're ready for it or not, it will never cease to fail to knock you off your feet. It's that kick in the teeth that you need, that breath of fresh air, that summer breeze on a winter day. It looked impossible in every way, but it happened because it had authority and it was change, and change—ironically enough—could never, itself, change. It was the only constant in the universe. It could not simply up and decide that it would no longer change anything. The world would become a stagnant refuse heap had it decided to not be change.

It's that summer breeze in the winter that you find curious. It's impossible; as such seasons hardly hated each other but hardly held any like or love for each other either. However, there would never be a summer breeze on a winter's day.

So Lily told herself.

Quite surprisingly enough, and world-shattering enough, she had found that summer breeze in her seemingly endless winter rain—another impossibility. It was light, it was refreshing, it was bringing spring—spring that would lead to summer—to a place where summer breezes were prevalent and routine in every way. It would also bring the rains of spring that preceded that summer.

That summer breeze was James Potter.

Her James Potter.

Slowly, surely, he had made imperfection out of flawless perfection. Lily was no longer perfect. She was no longer the girl with everything and nothing. She was no longer sitting in the rain being miserable. Finally, she was able to say the truth about the rain when she replied to someone her fascination to it.

'It's very soothing' she would say, and now, she knew, that she meant it. The rain fell upon her smooth skin in a cool refreshing downpour. Washing her clean, washing her thoughts clean, and washing her clean. It didn't leave her with nothing to think about but her misery anymore, it left her something—someone—else to think about. It was grand, it was beautiful, it was happy and wonderful and any other description or synonym you could possibly imagine for love.

Regardless, a tear fell down her face.

Lily loved James.

James did not love Lily.

At least, not in that manner.

Never in that manner.

For James Potter loved no one in that manner, even though he's managed to make the most popular girl at school smitten silly with him and his unique and unpopular charms.

It was her frustration.

It was her new misery.

Lily had not stepped outside her room since that day, since that frustrating, life-shattering day. Surely, she had lost it by now, lost her crown, lost her kingdom, lost her throne and downright lost it all. It didn't matter right now, however, because if she didn't have James, silly little things like a plastic crown in a plastic castle with plastic people were of insignificant value to her. She had not left the sanctity of her room to deal with that mess out there, to deal with the utter chaos that must be ensuing.

Partially, Lily had also not left her room in two weeks because she had fallen asleep on her balcony only to wake up on that same balcony to an overcast—but dry sky—and a severe headache promising very painful returns. This had been the worst two weeks of her life and she had spent it sick in bed with only misery for company as the saying went.

Day after day, however, she left a note on the front of her door telling James that she would not be attending classes that day—and day after day, the new note she would have written disappeared.

Some part of Lily hoped that he was miserable—that he was guilty and that he felt absolutely sick with himself for doing what he did to her. Some days she felt spite towards him, felt frustration and even anger towards that silly boy; telling herself just that—that he was a silly boy. A silly boy not worth her time, her effort or her love. Days like these she could stop crying and continually heard herself screaming within the depths of her mind, as if it was hollowed out and sound carried forever in a day through the vast emptiness.

Of course, another part of her could only repeat that same sentence he had told her that day—that same terrible sentence that carried out that same terrible melody that denied her a thousand times over. When she heard that, Lily could only feel the pain of rejection tenfold, like a poison that was now simply sapping her life away or a cut on her arm that was bleeding her dry. Days like these, she wanted nothing more than to forget—to forget that life ever happened to Lily Evans.

Today, however, Lily felt good enough to walk, to run and even to scream to the heavens of her frustration. Her eyes had long run out of any more tears—for her limit of tears to be cried over James Potter had long ago extended above and beyond. Reasonable sense told her that she should make attempts to regain her, by now, crumbled social status enough to live reasonably in society the rest of the year. Common sense told her that her schoolwork was long overdue—regardless of keeping up with the work that no one else but James had set in front of her door.

Reason and common sense, however, were the ones who had told her that this boy needed to be informed of how much he affected her—of how much she loved him.

Instincts had been tossed out the window to the voice of her reason and her common sense, which did not seem so sensible after all.

Sitting up in bed, Lily looked around hazily. The windows to her balcony were closed and she couldn't ever remember closing them, or even moving to bed last night after sitting out in the rain and effectively falling asleep in it again as she did that first day. Perhaps she had woken up sore earlier in the day and moved to bed to forget the precious moments she was conscious enough to move.

Focusing her eyes on her vanity desk, she saw the letter that she had written a long time ago. The name James Potter was printed on the front and Lily sighed at it. How could she have forgotten that dubious piece of paper? Getting up out of bed, she picked up the letter and tore it in two—envelope and all.

"Change can stuff itself," she said brashly—it was a common phrase she had thought extremely rude the first time she heard it but now found extremely useful. "It has never done anything good to me but cause me misery and a broken heart. Since change has happened when James Potter waltzed into my perfect life, he must be change. Therefore, James Potter can stuff himself."

The sad unfortunate fact of this matter was that Lily's life was hardly perfect before James entered it and was only perfect for a few precious moments when he was in it before he left and left it more imperfect than he walked into it as. Yes, that boy was definitely not a positive force in her life, Lily concluded. Thus he should be avoided like the plague. Her heart had won enough battles and it was time her head started to think again.

It was time to kick James Potter off the ice so she could refreeze it.

With this in mind, Lily quickly got ready and dressed herself, getting herself prepared as she might for any day of school before James Potter ever happened. Transfigurations would be first on the schedule today and she would probably fail that class anyway if it weren't for Alicia's top of the class help. Thankfully, Lily could always hold it over her head that she was far better at Potions and Defence Against the Dark Arts than Alicia was.

Leaving her room—the one she had practically lived in for two weeks, she descended the steps, taking no notice of James sitting on the couch, reading an advanced DADA book. Upon leaving the room as quickly as she might have as if she never knew the boy, Lily entered the hall, feeling a new sense of self, feeling like her life had not changed, feeling like she had effectively kicked all the change out of her life—which was precisely what she did.

"Lily!" a surprised voice came from behind her. Lily instinctively knew who this was and turned to face him, a smirk on her face and an eyebrow cocked as if ready to shoot him.

"Sirius Black, always a pleasure," she said sarcastically.

There was worry drawn all over his face and she could tell that Alicia gave him the rap for it without him ever probably realizing why. "What happened to you? You've disappeared like a bat afraid of the sun for two weeks. I've been worried."

Lily sighed, looking away from him and out a window. "I caught a cold, can you believe that? First few days back from school and I catch a cold and become comatose for the better part of a month."

Frowning, concern seemed to pour from his eyes as he held hers with his own. "Lily, are you alright? All that blood…" he muttered quietly.

Huffing with a disinterested air, Lily sighed. "Why wouldn't I be?" she asked airily, realizing full well how clipped her manner was. It was not with the graceful, smooth and playful tones she had used with him at the beginning of the year, nor was it the irritable tone she had used on him when relations to James Potter began.

No, they had reverted back to calm and cool, just like first year when she spoke to him.

Sirius frowned, folding his arms. "Well, for one, I saw you in Hogsmeade that day and you went over technicality rubbish, then not an hour later I saw you spooked as if a banshee had bitten your head off with the blood to prove it and were crying the Nile River. Lily, please, what happened that day?"

Frowning herself, Lily shook her head at him. "Happen? I don't recall. Now, I am late for breakfast, if you don't mind, and will surely be late for Transfigurations. Now, as much as I'd love to stay and chat with the likes of you, Sirius Black, I have grander things to attend to."

Like surveying what happened in her absence.

Walking off on him, ignoring whatever desperate comment he might have made to her right then as rubbish—and therefore something to be ignored—Lily made her way through the familiar halls to arrive at the Great Hall, where breakfast was currently being attended to. Glancing up at the teachers table, she saw that all her teachers noticed her return—as there was only a few individuals in the school with hair her colour other than herself. After they all cast a glance—McGonagall the longest—they returned to their business.

Breakfast as usual.

Sitting down next to Alicia Rose, as if the most natural thing in the world, Lily prepared herself a piece of toast, buttering it. None of the girls took much notice of her arrival however—Keily Hawkes was beside some boy she had never seen before and Patricia Ryerson and Samantha Greenwood were nowhere in sight. Emily Richardson was listening to Alicia with rapt attention.

Alicia was the only one who cast her a smile before turning back. Lily inwardly frowned remembering that was how she once acknowledged someone's presence at the table when just arriving.

"It's a very grand affair, you see. They say Quidditch is the game of commoners, but what do they really know? They grew up without it. I, for one, am a Chaser on the house team and I must say it beats any muggle sport you might find amusing. Don't you think, Evans?" she asked cordially, looking towards Lily.

Alicia knew the rules very well and knew far better than to bring up her issues among others so openly—especially in this society where rumours did not just fly, instead blinking like light bulbs. Lily smiled back at her and shrugged. "I've never been one for sports as much, although I have to agree that it trumps any muggle sport. Trust me, I know, I've had to endure them all."

Emily turned her attention finally to Lily. "What kind of sport do you enjoy, Lily?"

Pursing her lips, she took a bite of toast before continuing on. "I can't say very well that I enjoy any sport; watching, however, is another matter entirely. Don't you agree?"

Alicia and Emily nodded, smiling. They both wanted things to go back to the way they were—normal. It was something they were prepared for, something they had recognized since last year. Lily was meant to hold that golden crown, to sit upon that golden throne. Any less would be unacceptable to both. And yet this school was so prepared to face change that it forgot entirely about keeping the standard it set.

Already Lily could see that the standards she set upon this school were crumbling—and just by glancing around the Great Hall for a sum total of ten seconds.

Such was the flimsiness of structure; like an Eiffel tower made of toothpicks.

"Absolutely. Now, I really must get going, I have a previously arranged appointment with one Mr Jordan," she said, already getting up.

Alicia nodded in agreement. "Excellent. Lily and I have some things to discuss anyway; we'll see you later, Emily," she said sweetly. Just like real roses, however, Alicia had very sharp, very pointy very hypothetical thorns that were much worse than the real thing. "Now, Evans, it's a lovely day out, let's take a walk shall we?"

Frowning, recognizing this quick change of pace, Lily looked away, only staring at her out of the corner of her eyes. Indirect eye contact was the first way to avoid any and all awkward situations that encounters with would have a high chance of ending badly. "It is a wretched day out, Rose; you are quite mistaken in that."

And Lily Evans had no intentions of ending this day badly.

"Nonsense; it is raining, the sky is overcast and we shall take a walk—if not outside throughout the halls," she said firmly, getting up and pulling Lily along with her with vice so strong it could have shattered diamonds. Normally, Lily would take this grievous assault to heart, however her heart was left crying by the lake in the rain and would be left for dead as far as she was concerned.

Perhaps that was taking it to an extreme, but Lily always thought badly of those that played with good intentions and wishes of others—giving their love away so freely. Respect and adoration were easy things to acquire and give away, but love was a woman's greatest treasure and meant to be given away whole—not in tattered pieces that have traded hands like a commodity. True love, she had always imagined, was the precious reward for guarding your love.

However, this boy held no regard for such things and threw it back at her with all the force of a lightning bolt it seemed.

After being forced to take up her horrendous offer, Lily found herself in an iron-bound link with Alicia Rose by the arm. For the majority of it, Lily gave back reflexive responses, straining a smile in the presence of her aching arm. Alicia had not relented her Quidditch-ironed grip upon her arm and Lily feared the poor muscle tissue there had finally died from lack of circulation. To say the least, the entire thing was an exhausting matter.

After some time, they came up upon the Astronomy tower roof—a place that Lily sorely avoided at all costs. Since broom-flying lessons in their first year she had found an extreme fear of heights and the possibility to fall from one very much possible from a broom. The Astronomy tower was the tallest tower in Hogwarts and—regardless of the walls surrounding it like a fence—she dare not climb upon it. Perhaps the only reason she never took the course.

Thus it was an odd sight to see Lily on the Astronomy tower—much less the large roof that covered the stairs from rain.

"So… Lily, to the heart of things, shall we? How are you doing? With… you know, the accident and all," she said awkwardly. Alicia Rose had dealt with many things, but death was not her forte in the slightest.

An answer came quickly to her mind and Lily vaguely looked at the rest of the cards in her hand. She had been dealt a good hand today, it seemed. No hearts, teardrops or no's. "It's… an unwelcome change. What more can I say of it? I've only known them through letter and in my childhood. I am the sole owner of the Evans affairs and estates now; I should feel some twisted form of pride, shouldn't I? Yes, of course, that's what's expected," she said, answering herself.

Alicia nodded—her lack of skill on the subject accepting this as an answer. "Well, maybe. It's alright to cry about it every now and then, they were precious to you, yes?"

"Yes," Lily said reflexively.

Truth of the matter was that both Diane and Tristan were so busy with their work that they were only available to be parents on three occasions of the year—a month in December and a week during the girl's birthdays. The most frequent sentence they had ever said to either girl was not so much 'I love you' as it was 'Make us proud.' When it started or how it started, Lily didn't know, but since childhood, that was all she had ever wanted to do with her life. Make them unbelievably proud of her.

"Anyway, what about… him? You know… Sirius. He absolutely denied any claims I made, but the look on his face just…" Alicia sighed, shaking her head in dismay, "I can't believe I've misjudged him so badly. I'm so very sorry, Lily, and I probably was the one who wanted it most."

Lily smiled. Perhaps she should come clean. Perhaps this girl should finally know the truth. After all, wasn't Alicia her closest friend? Wasn't she supposed to know everything about her? So why was it that it often felt like Alicia knew nothing about her? Well, simply put, because she hadn't gotten too in-depth on the topic of herself and sharing it with this girl. Such a concept seemed far too foreign.

"Could I ask you something?"

"What is it?" Lily replied, still thinking over her problem. Perhaps these matters really should be closed to the exclusive ring of confidants that included only her.

"What… what happened?"

Lily smiled in the melancholy of it all—it was a drama like she had never known but knew to be on television. Never indulging in that rubbish didn't mean she didn't know what happened on them. Ridiculous shows about fleeting love and fleeting infatuations never caught her fancy. Even the stories of princes and white horses and knights she was read as a child never quite touched her in the same way that it touched many others with their heartbreaking heroines.

Well, a question like this, naturally, had to have an answer.

"I told that boy I loved him—loved him dearer than I've ever loved anything and, well, he said no. Of all things… I never expected a No. It's… probably more shocking than anything, I think," she said honestly. Sure, it had broken her heart and scattered her feelings to the four winds with lock and key, yet the initial feeling she had when he uttered those words with that straight and so very serious face that she was simply shocked to her core. It was like lightning had struck her over and over again and charged her soul to the core. It was definitely a new feeling—a new level of shock.

Alicia was also not an expert in the issue of love—she had found hers on the first shot. Made a bulls-eye with her first dart. She was going to marry that boy, Sean Patil. If anything they would probably have twin boys knowing her. They would be twins and be the most silent, most charming individuals in this school and have two completely different girls smitten silly with them. Of course, this was merely Lily's guess at her happy future. Lily could see nothing of her own.

"Well… isn't that a quandary? Certainly… there are others, yes? I mean, Sirius… he's not… the only one out there for you."

"Certainly, there are," she replied easily. "But… no, I am done with this and that. I am finished with foolish ideals. I'm done with chasing things that will never occur. I'm done with rushes and crushes that will never come to fruition. Perhaps that's all it was—a silly little crush. I've always hated crushes, you know. I always told myself that the one I fall for I'll fall hard for because he would be the one. It seems… that boy is not the one and I've ended up a fool in this matter."

Alicia was silent, taking in all the information. After some time, the overcast sky rumbled and that snapped her out of her daydream, it seemed. "That… is a sad thing indeed, love. You two would have made such a fine pair."

"It is not really Sirius Black, I hope you know. And, no, we don't. In fact, I'll be cursed if I ever speak his name ever again. Sirius may be the poison of the devil, but at least drinking from the devil's cup won't warrant death. I'm actually very exhausted, Alicia—I must be if I am not terrified out of my mind at this height. Perhaps falling seems less scary now…" she said quietly, not adding the roaming thoughts in her head that allotted to this feeling.

"Hold on, who is this boy, then?" she said quickly, turning to Lily's retreating back.

Lily shook her head. "Perhaps another time when I've been kidnapped to the Astronomy Tower, of all bloody places," she said with a slight tremor in her voice that seemed to now reverberate loudly in her heart as she began to realize how very high up they were now that her emotions were set aside.

"Well then, I'll see you tomorrow, yes? I hope?" she asked in a quieter tone. "I've been very worried about you these past days."

Lily shrugged and closed her eyes, as she climbed off the tower roof, landing on the ground and just about ready to kiss it. "Perhaps," she returned; non-committal about it.

There were few times that change had drastically come in contact with her life, and she had been all but prepared for it. Returning to her room, Lily opened the doors to her balcony and breathed in the fresh scent of rain on the wind. There would be a storm coming tonight—and it would be like none she had ever seen.

"Storm's coming… somehow I always knew it was…"


To My Reviewers:

Ghost44: Oh! No pressure! That just makes my head spin even more! I'm kidding, I have a fantastic end to my beloved Rain!

-sighs in relief- Well, yes, thank you all so much! I have to thank you all for not only reviewing, but for sticking with me for so long! I especially thank all of those who have stayed up to ungodly hours ruining your eyes staring at a computer screen only to find out you don't get to know what happens next until I update! I was actually shooting for "I loved it but hated it" sort of thing, so I guess I succeed!

Comments:

It's a little slower paced than the last shocking chapter, but with good reason, I think. Things that destroy your life can't occur every day, I think.

Please R&R.

- Minute Maid

Beverage of Queens.