If I lay here for another twenty minutes, that won't make me late…will it? Just for twenty minutes and I swear I'll get up. I swear. My shift starts at 7:00 and the last time I looked at the clock, it was 5:30. If I lay here until 5:50 or 6:00 at the latest…I won't be late. I just need to find a way to get out of here without waking him up, which is nearly an impossible task. I wish I had followed my instinct and left last night around 1:30 but Steph was asleep and I wouldn't have even asked her to get out of bed to come get me at that hour, even though I know she would've if I had asked. I slept well last night aside from the fact that I couldn't move. I'm usually a big mover in my sleep. I usually move around a whole lot while I'm asleep but I couldn't last night and that was the only bad part about my sleep last night.
As soon as I started to get comfortable enough to fall asleep for good around 12:30 or so last night, I heard him sniffing and when I reached over to check him, he was crying. He had been sleep for a while by that point so I just guessed that he was having a bad dream so I tried to wake him up but that made it worse. He mumbled something along the lines of "leave me alone" and "don't leave me, Iz." I won't lie…that kind of hurt my feelings when I realized that his bad dream was about her. But I didn't take it personally and I wiped his tears and finally, he woke up. I'm too much of a coward to confront him about it and last night was no exception. I was too cowardly to tell him that he had been crying in his sleep about her leaving him so I just didn't tell him. He seemed really happy to know I was there when he woke up so if it made him feel better, I let him lay on my chest again. And he fell back asleep.
He hasn't woken up since then and he's been asleep on my chest all night so I couldn't move and that's the only reason I haven't gotten up and gone home yet. He's lying next to me with his arms around my waist and his head on my chest. He hasn't moved in hours and neither have I, even though I've had to pee for at least an hour. I just don't want to wake him up. I just don't know what I'm even doing here. At first I was here because he called me over and asked me to come after he stood me up for our date last night. Now, I'm not even sure why I'm still here. I don't even know if he still wants me here. I don't know if he'll even remember asking me to come here, he was so drunk off his ass last night. Well, worst case scenario is that he wakes up in my arms, gets mad and kicks me out. I'll be upset but I can't say it wouldn't have been expected.
I rest my cheek against his soft hair and inhale the scent of him. I figure he's probably gonna kick me out in a few moments when he wakes me up and who knows if I'll ever be able to do this again so I might as well enjoy it while I can. If Izzie being gone really means that he's single, I could get used to this. He could get used to it to if he'd give it a chance, I know he could. I could make him happy if he'd let me. And I wouldn't leave him. He'd never wake up in the middle of the night upset over the fact that I left him because I wouldn't ever abandon him. He could lay like this on me all night every single night for the rest of his life if he wanted to. And I'd still be here in the morning. I could make him so happy if only he'd let me.
I knot my fingers through his hair, untangling all his messy little waves while I just relax, feeling the motion of his breathing on me. It's still puzzling to me that she left him. I don't think she knows what a perfect man she had…if she did know then she wouldn't have given him up so easily. He's so perfect. Everything about him is just handcrafted, pure perfection. There's me who would kill for the opportunity to be with him for at least an hour uninterrupted. Then there's her. She had him and willingly gave him up. I'd never let him go if I had him. Ever. He'd just be stuck with me and while I'm not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing, it's just that. He'd be stuck with me because I'd never go anywhere if I had him.
With my hands still tangled in his hair, he lifts his head up a little bit before slamming it back down on my chest. Let me get ready to be kicked out. I swallow a lump in my throat and emotionally prepare myself for the fact that he's probably gonna tell me that I need to leave now. He groans as he starts to move around to properly wake himself up and I take my hands away from his body. He holds himself up on his elbows, yawns and looks down at me with tired, groggy eyes. I fold my hands and look away from him. He yawns again, clears his throat and licks his lips. "…How long you been up?" His voice is rugged and phlegmy, like he needs to clear it again.
"A while." I whisper. I prop myself up on my elbows and pull the covers off me because now that he's awake, I can leave before he kicks me out. I slide my legs from underneath the blankets and put my feet down on the carpet. I hear the bed creak and feel his hands grab at my waist. "Stop, okay? I'm leaving…" I mumble and stand up but his hands squeeze my hips and pull me back. "For real, quit."
"Why are you leaving me?" He slips his arm around my waist and drags me back so I fall down against the bed. "I don't want you to go yet." When he gets me to the point that I'm lying down on the bed, he puts his head back against my chest and tilts his face up so that his lips are kissing the underside of my chin. "We're going to the same place… you can stay for a little bit longer." He pushes his lips to my neck. "I'll ride you to work."
"You will?" I put my chin against the top of his head while he keeps his lips pressed to my neck.
"Yeah, why wouldn't I?" One of his hands is on my shoulder and the other one is grazing my kneecap with his fingertips. "You rode me for an hour last night, the least I can do is give you a ten minute ride to work." He winks at me and I feel my cheeks redden as I blush from embarrassment so hard that my face actually gets hot. Did he really just say that? He turns everything into something sexual. I don't know whether to be embarrassed or happy that he actually remembers that we had sex last night. Okay so he remembers that we had sex but that doesn't mean that he remembers everything we did last night, does it?
"Why do you always have to make something sexual?" I kiss his forehead and close my eyes, happy that he doesn't seem like he's mad at me. He's not drunk so he's sober and he's aware of what he's doing. Does this mean that he wants me? His fingertips trail up from my kneecap all the way to my upper thigh. "We were talking about a car… and you had to turn that into something dirty, of course." Since the boxers he gave me to wear last night are so big, he's able to just slide his hand through the leg hole. I sit up in hopes that I'll force his hand from inside my pants but it doesn't work and I guess I don't really mind. I don't care that he's touching me of course. But this can't escalate into anything more than touching and stuff because we have to be at work too soon. "We're gonna be late if you don't move." I lean forward and kiss his lips. "And I'm still an intern. I can't afford to be late yet."
"We're not gonna be late if you just let me have my way for a couple minutes." He takes his hand out of my pants and kisses me on my cheek. "I'll see you later on tonight so I guess I can let you go now though."
"…You want me to stay over again?" Does this mean we're in a relationship now? Okay, I'm excited sure. But isn't this happening a little fast? He just got broken up with last night. He's not even giving it a full day is he? Or maybe I'm just jumping to conclusions with this. Maybe that's not what he's saying at all. I don't know. I have so many questions and I'm so scared to even ask him because I just don't want him to reject me. This is all so fresh and new for me and I really don't want to mess this up for myself. "…Alex, I know…" I look down and clear my throat. I'm so nervous. "If you…" How do I phrase this? I grab a lock of my hair and twist it around my finger. "If you still need a minute, I understand. You don't have to rush this…"
"Rush what?"
"…Nothing." I shake my head and stretch my arms out to make it seem like I really did just let the entire situation go, even though I didn't. I think I should wait to ask him all of my questions until his loss isn't as fresh as it is right now. There's no way in hell that he's over losing his fiancée this quickly and I just feel like he's trying to rush things between us just to get over her, which isn't really fair to either one of us. Don't get me wrong, I love the fact that it seems like I have him all to myself now, but I think it's time that I start to take care of myself. And that starts with not jumping to conclusions to get my heart broken. No conclusions, I'll just wait. Maybe I'm ready too far into this. "We should get ready to go to work." I tuck my hair behind my ear. "Are you alright to go?"
"I'm fine Jo… you can stop worrying about me now." He gets up hastily and starts to look around the room for clothes to put on. "How many times do I have to tell you that I'm fine? You really know how to bust my balls, you know." I just sit there in his bed, unable to say anything back to him. "You don't appreciate anything. Never mind everything that happened last night." He slams his dresser door shut after he yanks a pair of pants out of it. "You bitch and complain at me about the sex being too hard the first time so I slow it down for you last night and you still bitch at me." I'm trying really, really hard not to take offense to everything he's saying to me but I'm struggling. I know he doesn't mean any of it. I know he's just upset still and he's really guarded and he doesn't want me to know how upset he is. I know all of this. So I'm trying to understand that he's just talking out of his ass right now. "You think that just because I cried last night that I'm soft?! I only cried because I was drunk so you can shut the hell up now."
"…I know… I know." He cried hard to me last night because he's upset. It's okay to be upset… but not for Alex it isn't. He just doesn't like to be perceived as soft and I understand that. It's a guy thing. He just feels the need to clarify to me that he wasn't crying because he was soft. "I was just making sure you're okay…"
"Well don't. I can handle myself." He puts his pants on. "I told you over and over again that I'm FINE and you just won't drop it. Let it the fuck go." But you're not okay… "Then you have the balls to tell me I'm rushing stuff? You don't know shit Jo. You're real stupid, you know that?" I nod my head, agreeing with him. He doesn't mean it. "I'm not rushing shit. You need to figure out what you want instead of being so stupid. You know you want to jump for joy now that Izzie's gone but you're trying to act like you're not happy even though I know you are. You're trying to act like you don't enjoy being here with me by asking me over and over again if I'm okay." He's just ranting. "I'M FINE, OKAY? I'M NOT RUSHING ANYTHING. SHE'S GONE, I DON'T CARE. I THOUGHT I HAD YOU ON MY SIDE BUT IF YOU KEEP ACTING LIKE A CRAZY BITCH I DON'T WANT YOU EITHER."
"…Okay." I stand up and grab my pair of jeans that I came here in last night. Should I say anything? I really don't know how to speak Alex. But I do know how to speak Jo. And he always told me that he and I are really alike. And I know that when I act the way he's acting, that's when I need somebody to tell me it's okay the most. When I push someone away, that's when I need someone the most. Maybe he's like me in that sense. I don't know. I put my jeans back down on the floor and quietly walk over to him while his back is turned to me. "…I'm still here." I whisper to him, easing my arms around his waist. He turns around so that we're facing each other. I squeeze his waist tight. "I'm still here…" He's not even hugging me back but that's okay.
"Get off me Jo. Seriously." His body stiffens and he just stands there, solid and still. I squeeze him tighter. "No wonder Peckwell kept hitting you. You're annoying as fuck." He doesn't mean it… and he needs me. I rub his back and raise myself up on my tiptoes so I can hug him around his neck. "GET OFF!"
"It's okay, Alex." I put my hand on the back of his head and force him to put his head on my shoulder while I lead him back towards the bed. The both of us reach the bed at the same time and I pull him down with me while I sit. He seems to have calmed down because he just lets me force his head on my chest and my arms around him. "It's okay…" I rub his hair because that always seems to calm him down. I think he's crying because there's a wet spot on my t-shirt where his face is. "I'm still here. I'm always gonna be here…okay? I'm still here." He doesn't need to go to work today. He doesn't need to be around anyone.
"Get off me Jo. Go away…" His voice is thick with tears and he sounds like he's really breaking down. "This is your fault… I fucking hate you."
"I know… I know you do." I stroke his hair back and wipe his face and just let him go. "That's okay though. You're not getting rid of me that easy." I kiss his head and hold him just a little tighter. He's hurting really bad right now and he's trying to hurt me to cope with the hurt he's feeling but if I don't let him hurt me then I can be here for him. He's just like me. I want to hurt someone when I'm hurting too. "It's okay…" He's sweating from crying so hard, so I wipe away the perspiration on his forehead with my hand. He sniffs and finally stops resisting me. He puts his arms around me to reciprocate the hug I'm giving him and just lets me comfort him. "It's okay baby… I'm here." Did I just call him "baby"? It slipped…but he is my baby. "Here… lay back down." He's so much heavier than me, but I consider myself a strong girl and I find a way to scoot up towards the top of the bed with him in my arms. "I'm here, baby…" I kiss his forehead this time. "…Do you want me to stay home from work with you?"
"You have to go…you can take my car…and go…" He squeezes me so tight around my torso that I feel like my eyes are gonna pop out of my skull. "I don't want you to… but you gotta." His voice is muffled because his face is stuffed between my boobs while he's crying and he won't move it. But I can still understand some of what he's saying. "I'm probably gonna sleep all day…" He sniffs. "…Don't go anywhere, Jo… I need you."
"I'm not going anywhere, baby." I reach down and play with his hands so that part of me other than my chest is tangible to him. He has to know that I'm here. "I'm not going anywhere. I'm going to work but I'll be right back when I get off. I'll be right back. I'm not going anywhere." I squeeze his hand. "See? I'm right here." I brush his hair back away from his sweaty face. "I have to get ready for work though…" In all honesty, I don't want to leave him either. I'd give a kidney if it meant that I could stay here in bed holding him all day. But I'm an intern and I'm already skating on very thin ice at the hospital with me punching people in the face and stuff. "I want you to get some rest… I'll be right back, okay?" He doesn't say anything to me. I look down at him. He's asleep.
I sigh and very carefully lay him down on the pillow so I can get dressed and go to work for the day. I'm way in over my head here. I'm taking on more than I can juggle. I promised him that I'd be back later and I don't intend on breaking that promise. But I have so much I have to do. I'm an intern and my schedule is always crazy, I think I'm falling in love with someone that was just recently engaged, he's all messed up and he needs me, I'm all messed up and I need myself… I'm only one person. I can't take all of this at one time. But Alex really needs me. And as long as he needs me, my questions and my needs come second. I have to be here for him right now, even if he's treating me weird.
One minute he's all playful with me and he's happyish, and the next, he hates me. He's cussing at me, he swears that I deserved to be hit by Jason and he calls me stupid. I know he didn't mean anything he said to me. He's just lashing out right now and I just so happen to be the target. I know he doesn't mean it. He's all messed up because she left him. You know what? I'm starting to hate her. I was trying to be supportive and like her just because he seemed to have been really fond of her. But I can't be respectful anymore. I really hate that bitch. She hurt him…how could she? How could she just leave him like that? He's BROKEN… because she just up and left? What a fucking bitch. I'd really like to give her a piece of my mind. It seems to me that she needs to be reminded what an amazing, beautiful, kind, gentle… AMAZING husband she could have had. Bitch.
"I'll be back later." I whisper to him. I lean down and kiss him on his lips when I get out of the bed. "Sleep tight, baby."
A/N: So this chapter is pretty short, but that's because I started writing it really late and I don't have time to write it really long tonight because it's 12 a.m. where I'm from and I have to go to school tomorrow morning. If I update tomorrow, I promise the update won't be this crappy. It'll be longer. I won't start writing it at 8:00 like I did tonight.
And also, I just want to let you guys know that I appreciate EACH AND EVERY review you guys give me. :) Those of you who have given me really nice, detailed, in depth, sweet, constructively criticized reviews know that I try to PM you to thank you personally for helping me become a better writer. You guys are essentially the reason I feel obligated to update every single day because of how amazingly sweet and kind you guys are in my reviews. I literally put off some of my school work just to write and update as quickly as I possibly can for you guys. So please, don't ever for one moment think that I don't appreciate you guys' reviews. I read each and every one and I eagerly check my email every day to see if someone has left me a new one. I LOVE reading reviews (especially the really long, detailed, juicy ones!)
Thank you to each and every one of you that review each chapter. I really appreciate them and I love them ALL.
P.S. To my guest reviewer that posts her name as "Sarah": I deeply, deeply enjoy reading your reviews. :) I wish you had an account on here so I could PM you a couple of my thoughts and let you know personally how much I like reading what you have to say. You partially inspired me to write this Author's Note because I felt the need to let you know just how much I do look forward to hearing what you have to say.
