Sorry, guys. I was supposed to update two days ago but I just couldn't find the time to proofread this. Well, it's finally here now! The next update will be sometime before June 10... This story is going to have 40 - 45 chapters. I've already planned ahead and wrote the outline so I know exactly where this is going and how it'll end. I did have the story planned out before but I made a major amount of changes to it! I'm still making changes too. So...I calculated the time it will take to write each chapter and it turns out I won't be done until August. Ugh... School starts up again in August. Oh gosh school is so time consuming!
Anyway, I'll make sure to have the story done before school starts because once it starts there will be issues with updating...
Enjoy!
Chapter 29
Envy
Updated: 5/28/2014
I can barely feel the air entering my lungs as the three of us make our way down the hospital hallway. The white walls and tiled floors seem to be glowing with the light bouncing off their surfaces. Every step I take feels like I'm moving deeper and deeper into a dark hole. No matter how bright the lights are they seem to be dark like the night sky in my eyes. Is it me or is Finnick quivering beside me? His hand is still holding mine but it's warm with his sweat. It's probably both of ours mixed together. He's nervous. Of course he is. He hasn't seen Annie in months and he even at one point thought that she had been killed. Now that he's finally getting his chance to see her… It must be difficult to handle.
It's not hard for me to relate. I haven't seen my little sister in months either and even I thought she could have been killed by the Capitol. How can that thought not cross someone's mind? Snow is evil and who knows what he did to his captives. I'm feeling anxiety crawling up the base of my spine thinking about Prim's condition because I'm afraid she won't look the same. What did I expect? For her to be covered in a copious amount wounds and bruises? Yes. Or worse. There's no doubt she's been tortured during the time she was a prisoner. I know that Annie's been tortured for a fact, but I can't be sure how she was tortured. Who knows what could have happened to her after the camera cut off as those Peacekeepers were beating her with their guns during her interview with Caesar Flickerman.
I dig my teeth into the inside of my left cheek. Only when I taste blood I stop.
I nearly bump into Boggs when he stops abruptly. "Annie Cresta resides in here." He gestures with his head toward the door beside him.
Finnick swallows and nods. He moves toward the closed door but my hand tightens around his, keeping him from leaving. He gives me a questioning look. I feel my body shaking slightly, not sure what to say. I feel like if we break this grip we'll destroy the whole world between us. Everything we once had…that I thought we had…will all wash away and never return. All those days we spent together…all those kisses. He just might forget that ever happened because Annie's here now. I knew this day was coming. We knew. But why did I play as an idiot and pretend that things would be different? Why couldn't I just stay away? Why couldn't he…stay away?
"Is there a…problem here?" Boggs questions. He's raising an eyebrow at both of us in perplexity.
I swallow hard and finally find the strength to release Finnick's hand. "No. Everything's fine," I say quietly. "Sorry…"
Finnick's eyes linger on me a moment longer before he turns to Boggs who hands him a card. "Use this to get in and out when you need to," Boggs says, gesturing toward the card slot on the door. "She's pretty roughed up but the doctors say it's nothing permanent. She'll live."
"Thank you…" Finnick says, his voice barely audible. He turns to me and I see how afraid he his. I give him a small nod of encouragement. Then with a shaky hand, he slides the card through and the door slides open.
I don't stay long enough to watch him go inside and greet Annie. I hurry on ahead without looking back, letting out a breath I didn't know I'd been holding. Boggs pulls ahead of me again so that he's leading the way, giving me a strange look as he passes by. I don't acknowledge his odd look as I trail more slowly behind him. Finnick's probably already inside by now, hugging and kissing Annie and expressing how much he missed her. An evil side of me wishes she lost her voice or beauty so Finnick wouldn't love her anymore. Then I shake my head, cursing myself mentally. I shouldn't wish badly upon someone, no matter how envious I am. I try not to think about it as I traipse down the hallway.
I feel like Boggs and I were walking for a long time when we've finally reached a door. There are numbers and a letter carved at the top of the door; 308B. Boggs tells me that Prim resides in this room and my mother is already in there as well and hands me a card as he did Finnick. I give him a curt nod before he walks away down the corridor to do some other means. Anxiety twists in my belly in intricate angles and my hands are quivering out of my control. Without further ado, I slide the card through and the door slides open easily. My eyes land on the figure lying on the bed, body tucked underneath some blankets and head poking out from the top. I put all my focus on my little sister who's speaking to my mother and she smiles when I enter the room. She's not as bruised as I thought she would be; a swollen shut eye, a few scars here and there. Despite that, she looks fine.
My feet drag me over to her bedside and I wrap my arms around her as soon as I'm close enough. The wetness of tears falls down my cheeks as I hold my little sister tightly. It's Prim. She's here. "I missed you…" I say, my bottom lip trembling. When we pull away, I try to wipe my tears away but they keep coming.
"Don't cry or you'll make me cry," says Prim, tears already welling in her eyes.
I laugh. "It's been so long since I heard your voice."
Prim wipes her tears with her sleeve, smiling at me. Our mother watches both of us, smiling herself.
I lie down in the bed next to Prim and we hold hands. My mother and I fill her in on what's been going on and talk about other things as well. I tell her about what happened to Peeta and she immediately hugs me. She doesn't apologize and I'm grateful for that, but she does tell me that everything will turn out okay in the end.
"Don't worry," she says. "Peeta will have to wake up eventually."
I nod my head slowly. "How can you be so confident about that?" I ask, more playfully than anything, trying to make light of this.
She shrugs, smiling. "I'm a positive individual."
"Positive," I snort and give her arm a flick. Prim has always been kind of smart for her age, always confident, and strong. Always looking at the good side of things. Sometimes she's very wise and I even think she's a stronger person than I am sometimes. The whole nation can be rebelling and she can be kept as a hostage in the Capitol for weeks and still have this positive attitude. She's only thirteen and she's a lot stronger than I am for someone so young.
Haymitch comes in a few times to inform me about Gale's condition. He says that Gale injured both his ribs from a fight with some Peacekeepers but luckily he'll make a full recovery and he'll be back on his feet in a few days tops. Some of the other soldiers who went on the rescue team didn't make it back alive and there was a ceremony held in their honor. I didn't know any of them but I gave my condolences to their families.
Our mother was finally pulled out of her distressed world, even smiling again and talking cheerfully with everyone. I love seeing her happy. I thought I once hated her but I guess I never really did. How can I ever hate my mother who was only neglected us because of her grief? Maybe I won't forgive her for all those years she left Prim and I alone after my father died, leaving me to take care of Prim and even taking care of her because she couldn't take care of herself. Even through all the struggles of finding food and trying to stay alive, I guess I won't forgive her that. But I can't hate her. She's my mother after all. I have to respect her for being here for us now, for being mom.
I've heard news that Annie has been in this sleeping state ever since the rescue team returned five days ago. She's not exactly in a coma, not like Peeta. It's some sort of sleep state that I forgot the name of but the chances of her of waking up are much higher than Peeta. I was told that she was attacked at the head multiple times that put her in that position. Finnick's not very happy about this. I notice how he visits her hospital room every day and stays there all day until night or until the nurses kick him out. Me, I practically live in the hospital now with Prim, no one bothers to remove me because I'm the Mockingjay. I may be the Mockingjay but I'm no one special, though I'm not complaining if they're giving me this advantage.
With Annie's condition, I should be relieved that she's not awake to take Finnick away from me. But I'm not. In fact, I don't feel anything, not even upset. That may sound cruel from someone else's perspective, but I just can't summon up any feelings. Yes, it'll be great if she woke up so Finnick would stop sulking but at the same time it won't be great. What if, when she wakes up, Finnick will go to her? That's a great possibility. I should stop thinking about Finnick that way now. We already parted ways. Whatever we had is over as far as I'm considered. Those words were never said but the actions spoke for us. We speak to each other occasionally during the day but that's pretty much it. I'll have to admit that I'm kind of hurt by this. What happened to those days? Did he completely forget about that? Does he not miss me?
"There you go," I sigh, finishing up Prim's hair. She wanted me to do her hair like mine because it kept getting in the way.
She touches her braid, running her fingertips across the smooth hair. "Thanks."
"Sure." For a moment, I'm reminded of when I saw that girl in the hospital that looked just like her. She gives me a smile. My heart skips a beat.
"Are you okay?" she asks me in concern.
I nod brusquely, brushing away my thoughts. "Yeah. I'm fine," I say. "Just glad that you're here." This is Prim. Not that girl who died in Eight. It's still odd though. It's like she's come back from the dead.
Prim's eyes linger on me for a moment, not believing me for a second. Then she shrugs it off. "There isn't much to do here," she says, picking up the TV remote and turning off the television above the wall. "Is Gale doing okay?"
"He was fine last time I checked," I reply. I saw him earlier today and he told me that he was getting released from the hospital later today.
"Katniss…" Prim says quietly, without looking my way. "Did you really go to District 12? You saw what happened?"
My heart begins to sink in sadness at the thought of my destroyed home. Images explode into my mind of buildings destroyed and debris scattered about with nothing left but crumbled homes. "Yeah…" I say softly.
Prim nods slowly, her expression solemn. "It was our home…" she murmurs.
I run my hand down her hair. "I know, little duck," I say. Everything we ever had was gone…well except for our old home back in the Seam. But we didn't have any valuables there though except memories of the house itself. Oh and that cat Buttercup. "Oh, did I tell you about Buttercup?" I say. I don't think I mentioned to Prim that I brought him back to District 13 with me.
Prim turns to me, her eyes widening. "What? Buttercup is okay?"
I nod. "Yes. I brought him back here for you."
Prim's eyes light up in excitement. "Where is he?" she asks.
"He's back at my compartment. Want me to go get him?" I offer.
"Would you?" she asks hopefully.
"I'll get him for you," I say as I slide off of the bed. "I'll be right back. I'm sure he'll be happy to see you." I go through the door and close it softly behind me.
After I gathered that devil of a cat, Buttercup, from my room, I head back to the hospital, happily walking down the halls. I feel glad that I'm doing something for my sister even though I hate this beast. I can't wait to see the look on her face when she sees him. Nearly reaching the room, I turn when I hear someone call my name.
I see Finnick making his way toward me. Everything in my body tells me to keep walking and don't look back. I'm supposed to be angry with him, right? It's been four days and we hardly spoke to each other. It's like we're strangers now. We're not even like friends. Some other part of me tells me to stop and wait for him to catch up. Buttercup has started to squirm and growl in the large bag that I'm holding. One hard tap makes it stop it's wriggling immediately. Shut up, I think. I don't have time for your attitude.
"Katniss," Finnick says. "How are you? Are you okay?"
I narrow my eyes at him. "I'm fine," I say. "And you?" I notice the bags under his eyes due to the lack of sleep and the messy hair. Where'd that pretty Odair go? He must not be taking Annie's condition very well which is understandable because Peeta's in the same situation. Except there's a guarantee she'll wake up but not Peeta. I clutch at the bag tighter as the cat begins to move again.
"What is that?" He gestures toward the bag.
"Just a grizzly bear," I reply. I shake my head. That wasn't even funny. "Never mind. It's Prim's cat. I'm taking it to her."
"I didn't know she had a cat."
"I brought it back from District 12 on my last visit," I say. "It's a mystery how it survived the bombing. Sometimes I wish it didn't."
Finnick laughs. "Why would you ever wish that?"
"I don't know." I shrug. "We never liked each other and we've been trying to murder each other for the longest. I tried to suffocate him once with my pillow, but he got away."
"Who knew you were so…violent, Everdeen," Finnick purrs seductively. "Maybe there's still a lot I don't know about you. But I'm willing to find out everything." He gives me a flirtatious wink.
I sigh through my nose. For some reason his playfulness is annoying me right now. How can he talk to me like everything is fine between us?
He must see my expression because his playful look disappears. He clears his throat. "I saw Johanna earlier."
"How is she doing?" I ask. I hear she suffered multiple scars on the back and along her legs, from clearly being whipped with an electric whip. Like the ones I saw in my nightmares. I'm glad it wasn't Prim who got that treatment. But it's not fair to Johanna to get tortured like that though. Knowing her, she must've been a very aggressive hostage and that didn't turn out well for her.
"She's doing great actually," he says. "She's back to her old self. I almost didn't make it out of there alive. She threw a knife at me."
"Oh," I say. I imagine Finnick entering Johanna's room and her shouting at him before throwing a knife toward his skull, just missing the side of his head. Close call. Finnick has a strange friendship with Johanna.
When the cat begins to struggle again I'm reminded of what I'm supposed to be doing. "I have to go," I say.
"Hold on a second." Finnick touches my shoulder as I turn away. I pause, gripping the bag even tighter and turn back around to face him.
"What is it?" I ask, keeping my voice steady.
"Do you want to talk?" he asks quietly.
"No," I say tersely. "I can't. I have to take the cat to Prim."
"Afterwards?" he suggests. "I really think we should talk. I'm having a difficult time sleeping and I can't seem to figure out what to think these days. I'm not well."
"It's because of Annie's condition?"
"Yes that…and –" Before he finishes his sentence, a nurse comes over hurriedly.
"Excuse me, mister Odair," she says, peering at him. "Annie Cresta is asking for you."
Finnick tears his gaze away from me. "She's awake?" he asks.
The nurse nods curtly.
Finnick turns back to me. "We'll talk later, okay?"
"Sure," I say sarcastically. "We'll talk later, Odair." I turn away from his surprised expression and walk down the hallway angrily. It's been awhile since I last called him by his last name. The only times I would call him that was only if I was teasing. I haven't said it as an insult in a while. That must've been why he looked so surprised. I shake my head. I don't care, I think. He shouldn't try to fix things between us like everything is going to be okay now. Everything is not going to be okay. I don't want to be his friend and I don't want to talk to him later either. He doesn't know how angry I am with him.
Buttercup lets out a low growl of annoyance and I shush it with a hard tap. When I arrive back in Prim's room, she is in tears instantly. She holds that devil of a cat to her chest, crying her eyes out and telling it how much she missed it. The animal is happy to see her too, purring and kneading her hospital gown. I never liked the cat but I am grateful for it making Prim happy. She plays with that beast for a long time, dangling a string over its head as it bats at it or tosses a ball of yarn around for it. My entertainment is watching her play with that cat, just feeling glad that Prim is here and no longer in the Capitol.
Mom comes in a few minutes later and I leave as soon as she shows up. I just need to get out of the hospital for a while, away from everyone else. As I am walking down the hallway, I hear two familiar voices coming from one of the rooms. I pause at the open door to listen, keeping myself out of sight.
"…I-I don't know – " stammers a familiar female voice. Must be Annie.
I press closer toward the wall to listen more closely.
"It's okay – don't even worry about it," says Finnick. "You don't have to do that. It's okay."
I hear movement. I shift closer.
"I'm really sorry, Annie…" Finnick murmurs. I peer into the room to see him sitting in a chair beside Annie's bed where she sits with her back pressed against the wall. "You're okay now. I won't let that ever happen again."
Annie is fumbling with her fingers for a moment with her head held low. Her hair is covering her face that I am unable to see her expression. She moves her head up and down slowly. "So you'll keep me safe…?" she asks, her voice shaky.
"Annie…" Finnick says as he grabs Annie's hands in his own. "You know I will. You trust me, don't you?"
She stares at his eyes with a soft look, holding Finnick's hands tightly. "I do trust you," she whispers.
Finnick nods slowly, giving her a small smile. "That's good…" he says quietly. "Come here…" He pulls her into a hug, wrapping his arms around her waist. I see her hands are quivering slightly on his back.
"I love you, Finnick…" she says in a voice that's almost inaudible.
Before Finnick can say anything, I hurry passed the room, purposely making my footsteps loud. I know they heard me walk by but I don't know if they knew it was me. It doesn't matter, I think, clenching and unclenching my hands. It doesn't matter, I keep telling myself.
I get my bow and head out to the woods. When I reach the lake that resides deep in the trees, I crouch down near the water. The afternoon sunlight bounces off of the water's surface, sparkling like the diamond. I tilt my head slightly upward to let the warmth of the sun bask my skin. And for a moment everything seems peaceful. It's like nothing terrible is going on in the world and my life isn't the source of its problems. It's just me and this forest. In times like these, I wish Peeta were here. He would never do what Finnick is doing to me now. Finnick is an idiot for doing this and I'm an idiot as well for believing he genuinely cared about me.
I pick up a small pebble and toss it into the water. It doesn't skip like I intended. This only makes me even more frustrated.
Gale was right about everything he said. I know he's desperate and as soon as he gets Annie back he'll leave you and go to her. His words continue to echo through my brain constantly. He was right and I didn't listen. I just couldn't tear myself away from the alluring Finnick Odair's arms. Now I can't even look at Finnick without throwing angry looks his way. He's already made his decision and I already knew. I knew that he'd choose Annie but did that stop me from visiting him? I'm an idiot. In some way I hurt myself. All Finnick wanted was someone to comfort him while he was going through his insanity faze; someone to lean on, someone to kiss because of his desperation. And I fell into his arms like another Capitol girl, another girl who wanted to cling onto the all time famous Finnick Odair.
Stupid Katniss Everdeen.
There's the sound of crackling leaves behind me. I don't move because I know it's probably Gale. I'm supposed to be angry with him too for accusing me of sleeping with Finnick. For some reason I don't feel mad at him at the moment. My anger is all focused on Finnick.
"Getting away?" comes Gale's deep voice.
I keep my head in the opposite direction, at the water, where that pebble disappeared to. "Only for a little while," I murmur. "I was with Prim all day. I had to get out of that hospital. Thought I'd suffocate."
A chuckle.
He settles down onto a large boulder beside me as I cross my arms over my chest. "I agree. The hospital isn't the best place to spend your time," he says.
I blink my eyes against the light bouncing off the surface of the lake. It's very bright today that I have to squint slightly to see better. It's silent between us for several minutes.
"How is your sister?" Gale asks when the silence becomes too awkward.
"She's healing well I guess," I say, running my fingertips across the surface of the water. It's warm, compared to the slightly cold temperate air. "Her eye isn't swollen anymore. She shouldn't have to stay in the hospital much longer."
"That's good," he says. "It's a relief they let me go."
"What about you?" I ask. I turn to look at him. "Are you feeling alright?"
"Better," he replies. "Not completely healed but good enough to take care of on my own." The sun's light makes his dark hair appear shiny. "You?"
"I'm not feeling exactly well today." My voice is low like a mumble.
"You're sick?" He touches my forehead.
"I don't think it's that," I say.
He removes his hand from my head. "Did something happen?"
"I'd rather not talk about it. You'll think I'm stupid." I focus my gaze on the water again, dropping my eyelids until they're narrowed.
"It's that guy Odair, isn't it?" he asks.
I stare down at my knuckles, not surprised that he figured it out so quickly. He knows me very well. "He's been avoiding me…" I say quietly.
I'm surprised when Gale doesn't say anything else after that. I look at him. "Aren't you going to say 'I told you so?'" I ask sarcastically.
But Gale shakes his head, his expression unreadable. "He's nothing. Just forget about him."
The way he said 'nothing' makes it seem like he absolutely despises Finnick. But of course he does. If I were Gale, and knowing that another man gets to kiss the girl that he's loved for so long, I'd be upset too. So I guess I can understand how Gale feels right now. Maybe I should be more accepting of him. I'll just be by his side more often, instead of using up all of my available time with Odair who doesn't seem to want anything to do with me anymore.
When I think about Finnick, I realize how selfish I am being. I wanted Finnick all to myself, despite knowing the outcome of the situation. I always knew he'd go back to Annie, so why I am so upset with him? With myself? I know we were never in a solid relationship. We always knew that eventually once his lover returned we would ultimately stop our meetings. It was easy for me to think about it before we grew closer, but now I feel different. It's just so hard to let go.
I'm closer to Gale now and I grip the front of his shirt. Consumed by my own pain and jealousy, I pull him to me and close off the space between us. I didn't expect Gale to kiss me back because I know that he knows that I'm not myself right now. He's not Finnick but something tells me not to care. Just knowing that I actually have someone who won't leave me for another, someone to help me escape from these feelings, is just enough to keep me from going insane. I put Gale's arms around my waist and he squeezes me until our bodies are touching. I let my eyes flutter close, letting all thoughts ease away, allowing the moment to consume me.
The moment doesn't even last long even because Gale pushes me away gently. I stare at his face, wondering why he stopped. This isn't like him. He never rejected my kisses before. I place my hand on his cheek forcing him to look at me. "Gale?"
He shakes his head, removing my hand from his cheek and pulling away from me. I feel cold and empty now that his arms aren't around me anymore and my lips no longer feel warm from the touch of his. I must've did something wrong. "What is it?" I press.
Gale sighs, putting his gaze on the lake instead of my baffled expression. "Doesn't this remind you of something?"
I stare at him, biting my bottom lip softly as I think over his words. It doesn't click in my brain right away at what he's trying to say. I put myself in his shoes and I don't see myself, instead I see Finnick. That's when I realize that this situation is no different than mine and Finnick's. My own feelings drove me to take cursory actions and in some way I'm doing what Finnick did to me. Our kisses shared were only to escape from our problems, to escape from the cruel world that we live in. And now I'm leading Gale on and just as Finnick led me on.
I grab my bow, stand up, and walk away without another word.
To be continued…
Chapter 30 Sneak Peek:
As soon as I step out the door, someone grabs my wrist roughly and pulls me far away from everyone else.
Haymitch slams my wrist against the wall painfully and pins it there. "Tell me you aren't completely stupid!" he growls. "Tell me you aren't that
dumb."
"What?" I say. "Get off me, Haymitch." I try to shove him away but he has my other wrist pinned too.
"Don't you realize that you're giving Coin exactly what she wants?" he says, lowering his voice a little. "She wants you dead."
I furrow my eyebrows at him. "What the hell are you talking about?" I really don't know what he means. Coin wants me dead?
