Chapter 29
Of all the things the cult did, the copying of the book was the worst. More than dull praise and worship, more than meetings that ruined his self-esteem, more than training on guns and rifles. Nothing was more mind-numbing, more insidious. If there was a hell, it wouldn't be fire and brimstone, and demons with pitchforks. That would be too exciting. The only thing stopping him from walking out was the fact that he wasn't using a blank book.
Angled at the right position, he could fake that his diary was the book he was supposed to be copying into. They were about the same size.
Maybe whoever read this diary would be able to do something with it. Maybe it was some sort of code the police could crack, and that would lead them to the illegal activities they were performing overseas. Even if they didn't find it until a hundred years from now, they'd have something. Maybe that was the important thing.
"Stand up!" Squeaking and scraping of chairs as everyone stood. "Recite!"
A stick-thin, wrinkly hag stood beside an old chalkboard. She had written a big paragraph on the board. On shrill command, everyone would recite it at the same time. When they were done, everyone would sit and return to copying while she'd erase the blackboard and start a new paragraph.
In classroom unison, everyone said, "Text is not a theory. It simply is. We have a special place in history, because we have been chosen to lead it. The future belongs to us, and it is ours to shape as we see fit. We will follow the teachings and teach others the same."
More squeaking as everyone sat back down. She grabbed her eraser and made wide swipes on the green slate. Avery picked up his pencil and scanned for where he had left off.
"Hi, Avery," Cotton crowed. Avery looked up, startled, and grinned wide as he subtly covered the diary with his arm.
Cotton took the seat next to him. Cotton was a good friend, but he needed to get off his ass every once in a while.
"How's it going?" he asked as he picked up a pen.
"Fine," he answered.
"How's the book? Are you reading any of it or just copying it?" Cotton peered over his shoulder to look at his work. Avery kept his hand steady. Making a move to cover it more would bring suspicion.
"Uh, about half and half," Avery said.
"Is it hard to understand?" Cotton asked.
"Yeah, kinda. Half of it is in another language. Also it's hard to read and write at the same time."
"Oh? I thought writing what you read helps you understand it better."
"Well, I don't know. For me, I tune out sometimes and become a blind writer."
"Blind writer? I didn't know you could do that."
"Yeah, I did it all the time in my college classes. Some teachers talk so fast that you can't get it all down and listen at the same time, so you tune out the lecture to concentrate on getting it all down. So you're left with notes, and you have no idea how they're put together."
"I see. So the scope of your activity is so small the larger context is lost. That makes a lot of sense. I should make a note of that." Cotton ripped a page out of the blank book and started writing. "Thanks," he said as his pencil wobbled. "I can suggest this to the leaders, see what they think. That's a good bit of advice. So this," he gestured to the workspace, "Isn't effective in learning our text?"
"No, not really. I don't understand any of it. I don't even understand what half these words are. Everything's in an archaic dialect."
"You don't recognize it at all? Didn't you get the lingual training back home?"
"Uh..." Crap, he should have pretended like he knew what he was doing. This would ruin him for sure.
"Most of this is already in your employee manual. You should have learned it on day one," Cotton said.
"Uhhhhh..."
"Stand up! Recite!"
Avery and Cotton stood at the same time and read the lines on the chalkboard. Phew, saved.
"Reward comes from good performance. Punishment comes from ignorance. Choose to follow the teachings, and you shall remain in the good graces of all you see. Accept all who come to you with want or need to learn, and teach them to do so."
They all sat back down again. Avery pointed to the board, "That is more effective for learning."
"Really?" he said.
"Yeah, short little snippets filled with a lot of information. I remember these instead of the long passages."
"You could use the same method for it. Excellent. Yeah, that's good." He wrote that on his note. "Interesting, I should suggest this as a change. I like you, Avery," he smiled. "You're always coming up with such interesting and new items to try. You're always thinking of how we could improve. I like that."
"Thanks," Avery smiled back.
"We've got enough people coming in with darkness in their souls as it is. Problem is, once they're here, they become so elated with how they feel, they don't want to change a thing, so it's hard to get advice from them. I'm always asking Jennika for tips on what we could do to be more efficient, but she's rather quiet. I guess she thinks it's all fine the way it is." He laughed. Apparently, that was a joke. "But I guess when you've been here for that long, why would you find anything wrong?"
"Maybe she needs some perspective? Since she's been here all her life..."
"No, that would corrupt her. To do that we'd have to send her into that world of sin and vice. I'd rather protect our treasure. I'd never trade Jennika for anything. She's too important to us. It's been suggested before, but I wouldn't want to risk my bride for that, even if she wanted to."
"She's not your bride yet."
"Ha, you're right. But she's just as good as one. No one's been more involved with the teachings than she has. She's been in every class, every group. Everyone knows her. Everyone loves her. She knows the most about how the process all works."
"But if she's been here long enough to know everything, why is she still taking classes?"
"Oh, a couple reasons. Yeah, believe me, I get asked that a lot. If she was in the normal program, she would be at Class E by now. But the leaders figured she was too important to be given an assignment. They figured she could better serve by staying here, to be a shining example of what they could become. But then they didn't quite know what to do with her when she had everything memorized forward and backward. It was making her look bad. So I actually suggested keeping her in the training classes. Not just to keep her ties to people like you and me, but I was trying to steer her towards taking a leadership role. Trying to get her to be more proactive with the trainees."
"Really?" Avery said with muted surprise. "Because she never seems to speak up very much."
Cotton nodded and sighed. "Yeah, it hasn't worked out quite the way I wanted it. I didn't want to push her. That would make her resistant. I've tried coaxing her into being more assertive. I was hoping she would use me as a role model. But it doesn't seem to be working. She just has a really demure personality. It's lovely, but not that effective for the purposes of Cabalco."
Avery was getting sick with the way he talked about Jennika, like she was a commodity, a drug, a carrot to lead people around with. They'd never once talked about what she might want. There was no issue of what she wanted here, only what they wanted.
Avery said, "That's sad. Maybe she could do something else." And then the opportunity blinked on. "Like... weren't you telling me about the workshop on my first day?"
"Oh, yes, on day one. I remember. I don't know, maybe, I don't think she's got a good head for whatever they do down there."
"What do they do down there?"
"Oh, like I said, people go down there, things come up."
"Yeah, I don't get that. What things?"
"Oh, well... I'm not too sure myself. Tools, changes to the program. New texts, like this." He held up his book. "You shouldn't really worry about it at this stage. At class A, we're more focused on the 'people aspect', the fundamentals of becoming the type of person we want you to be, so we can all come together. The workshop is more for higher classes. Why do you ask?"
"Oh, because... I was wondering... if I could. I wanted to work down there."
"Really?" Cotton said. "Why's that?"
"Well, I like... making things."
Cotton said, "You're very good at marksmanship. Are you sure you wouldn't want to pursue that?"
"No, I really want to work in the workshop."
"Really? Your talents with a gun indicate how well-rounded you are for physical tasks. You have graceful form, dexterity, balance, reflexes, hand-eye coordination. You could really go places, if you chose that type of specialization."
"I know. But I really like science. I like that experimenting and learning aspect. The hands-on approach."
"Are you good with science?" Cotton asked.
"Yeah, that was my major in school. I was a bio-engineering major." Avery had meant to say either biology or engineering, but couldn't decide at the last second, and combined the two. He wasn't even sure if that was a major. Sounded impressive though.
"That's fantastic," Cotton said as he chucked his fist. "I wish I'd known that about you. Thatta way to plunge into it. But you still need to complete your Class A courses before you advance to anything specialized. You still need to understand the basic living skills and how to conduct yourself. I'm still..."
He sighed. Avery furrowed his brows.
Cotton said, "Listen, I'll tell you straight up. You're doing well in your technical skills, like sharpshooting. And you show a lot of dedication during praise and worship. But in the meetings, I'm still not sure. It looks like you haven't totally accepted us. I mean, for the most part you're fine, but it's little isolated incidents and questions that... well, they make me wonder if you're ready."
"What? I-"
"Like you give me suggestions like this, but then you ask questions about the lesson. You question everything we do. So I wonder where your personal growth is going."
"I- I'm sorry. I don't mean to, I can stop doing that."
"It's not a matter of stopping, it's a matter of achieving. We don't want you to coast through the program, we want to see you excel. Especially if you want to get into the workshop. We want you to 'get' something inside yourself that wasn't there before. Like something suddenly snaps. We're looking for a sweeping physical, emotional, and intellectual change."
Avery nodded. What could he say? He had failed in Cotton's eyes, and that hurt.
"I'm sorry. I... I know. It seems like the more I try to fit in, the more I keep alienating myself. It's not easy for me," Avery said.
"It doesn't seem to be hard for the others. Everyone else has been able to free themselves of their sins. If you keep lagging behind. Well, I'm not sure what we'll do. I've never had to deal with this sort of thing before."
Avery steeled himself. This was no time to be a wimpy shrinking violet. "I can do better. Just give me that chance. I know I can do better," he said firmly, making eye contact.
Cotton nodded. "I know. So do I. That's why I'm here with you." He breathed out and turned the page. "Well, OK. Once you get near the end of your basic training, I'll see what I can do. But they usually like to select your assignments based on the development criteria."
"What's that?"
"Oh, the things I mentioned. We're always looking at you. All the activities show us what sort of person you are. Even this." Cotton reached over and picked up Avery's diary. Avery clenched his teeth, tensed his muscles. "The copying. That shows us attentiveness, awareness, hand-writing analysis, and so on."
"Why do you need to test all that?" His eyes followed the diary up and down like a bouncing ball.
"Oh, we test everything we can. This instance tests only those aspects. It might seem weird, but everything here is designed to examine you."
"Oh, so that's why we're doing this copying stuff," Avery said robotically, trying to will Cotton to drop the book. "Well, I guess I'd better get back to work then," Avery said, "All this talking has dropped me behind."
"Oh, yes, of course," Cotton handed the book back and Avery tucked it into his body. "I'll get a book too, and we can talk about your needs." He stood up to gather supplies.
Avery placed the diary back on his lap over a fold of fabric. He could never bring his diary out in public again. It was too dangerous.
He opened his blank book and instinctively looked up at the chalkboard, like he was in school. The old hag writing the next paragraph reminded him that this wasn't that sort of classroom. The recitations must test their alertness and-
Wait a minute.
The cell.
"What about alertness? Do you react quickly to surprising situations?"
"I guess."
"Can you keep a clear head about you during a crisis?"
The doctor in the cell. He... What the hell was going on here?
Diary Entry 19: I talked with Cotton about the Cabal and where we might be going after we're done training. Eventually, they give full-ranked classes an assignment based on whatever they're good at. I expect they size us up from the moment we walk in. Personally, I think that's great. I don't have to worry about what I'm going to be, someone already knows. If it wasn't for the isolation, this would be an all right place. Jennika won't get that opportunity, though. She's had her fate planned out since day one. If only Cotton could see, I bet she could do amazing things. I feel like if I could get through to her, everything would be all right.
I guess I'm thinking more about Jennika and less about what I'm supposed to be doing here. She's really beautiful. To be that way with all the Cabal does to her, she must have a hidden strength. I think she's curious about the outside world. She meets all these people that come from that world, but all they do is talk bad about it and how wonderful the cult is. So she must be very conflicted. I think she was always looking for a kindred spirit. It certainly isn't Cotton, but well... I don't know what to do about that problem. I can't tell how strong her relationship with Cotton is, or whether she would ever leave him. I think she has mixed feelings at the least. It seems like most of what she wants or what the cult wants for her is based on Cotton. So the cult really does choose everything for you. It's fine for jobs, but you can't choose who you fall in love with. It's really a shame that someone so beautiful has to stay, locked away from the world. Trapped... Sorry, I'm digressing.
Cotton seemed to skirt the issue when I talked about the workshop. I didn't mention what I saw, but said I was interested in working there. Cotton doesn't even seem to want to talk about it. He's all hush-hush, and 'we don't talk about that thing'. That means it's probably pretty important. It might be related to what I'm looking for.
But it means that they don't let just anybody in there, and I've got no chance of getting in there unless I prove to Cotton that I'm worthy. These are my options, I can either try and rise through the ranks over time or break in and take a huge risk. I don't know what to do. I wish someone was making these decisions for me. I don't really want to do either.
Maybe I should wait. But I don't want to do that. I have to gain the trust of these people and I have to do it quick. I read once in my literature class that in order to gain trust, something has to be given of an equal value. I know there's something I can give, but obviously I don't want to give it. I may have to. I should. The more I think about it, the more it seems like the best option. It's what they want to see.
