(Very Important) Disclaimer: There are two wonderful stories that I've selected quotes from in this chapter. The first is from Moonlit's Better in Time while the second is from Kuruk's Addiction. I did notwrite those selections myself, but I do highly recommend both stories to anyone interested.
--
Chapter Twenty-Nine
I don't think I've ever had so much trouble convincing myself to get out of bed as I did that morning. Then again, I'd never woken up on top of anyone else, either, although I had to admit I was more than comfortable sleeping there. Not that I would've thought Gray could ever be such a good pillow before.
He was still sprawled out with his his one arm resting behind his head while the other was laid out perfectly across to the opposite side of the bed. I hadn't felt him move at all during the night, but he'd apparently managed to kick off all the covers as well. I had to force myself myself not to giggle, though, when I got a good look at his face. He must've been dreaming about something serious since his brow was knitted together like he was in deep thought, or maybe- and I was ashamed of myself for even thinking this- his features had simply gotten stuck like that once and for all.
After all, the man did a lot of frowning despite his age.
While I continued to lay there, I couldn't help wondering whether he'd regret what we'd done together. He wasn't the kind of man who'd just up and leave a woman, of course, but there was still that nagging doubt that liked to creep into my mind from time to time. No matter what the true cause behind it was, if he ever left me, I knew I'd blame what happened just the day before.
Right when I thought it, I shook my head to try and convince myself to be reasonable. Gray was the one who insisted on seeing me like that, so it wasn't as if he found me disgusting. If he did, things would've ended as soon as he tossed me on his bed. It was just me being my old self by even considering that he'd do any of that with someone he didn't find appealing. That should've been more than enough.
"Just what are you so down about?" I glanced up from the man's chest to find him looking down at me with only one eye opened, and soon after, he tussled my hair with a smirk. "You look like you ate a damn bug or something."
"It's nothing," I assured him with a smile as he sat up. However, he didn't look convinced when he was finally upright. Unless he always glared at people first thing in the morning.
"Don't lie to me," he ordered, gently tapping me on the forehead. "Whenever you tell me 'it's nothing,' I know it's something, so just come out with it for once." Since he rarely ever spoke to me with that much finality in his gruff voice, I didn't hesitate to give him an honest answer. That didn't mean I knew how to put it into words, though.
"You don't think I'm... disgusting, right?" I asked quietly, gazing up at him with my head bowed slightly. He only stared back at me for a moment as if he didn't hear or understand my question, but soon enough he closed his eyes and sighed before opening them again to look straight at me. "I-I mean... you're not going to leave me because of last night, are you?" I rattled on. "I know you probably-"
"Claire... Do you really think I'm that kind of guy?" he muttered, his gaze never left me. Although he didn't sound like it, I knew he was hurt by what I'd just said. What he didn't understand was that I was doubting myself, not him. Yet again, the problem was trying to just tell him that.
"No, I don't," I said at last, shaking my head. He nodded then before leaning over to kiss me, and even after what we'd done the night before, I still found myself blushing to feel his lips against mine.
"Good because I'm not," he assured me before standing up from the bed "I guess we'd better get ready for work then..."
"Um... Gray?" He only yawned a somewhat garbled 'what' in reply, but it was hard not to giggle all the same. "You do realize it's Saturday, don't you?" He stopped, mid-stretch when I reminded him, and I couldn't help laughing quietly to myself to see the expression on his face as he gawked at me over his shoulder.
"Then what the hell are we doing up so damn early?" he demanded, running his thick fingers through his hair. "For Christ's sake, Claire, it's only six..."
"But I always get up this early," I replied which only got me an eye roll from the man. Without any warning, he tipped me back over onto the bed before climbing in almost right on top of me. "What are you doing now?" I asked with a giggle as he wrapped his arm around me.
"Going back to bed," he grumbled, bringing me even closer to him. "And so are you."
"I can't," I insisted. "I've got things to do." Even though I tried to wriggle free from him, he held fast, and I heard that all too rare, gravely sound of his laughter rising up from his chest again. However, I was still determined to have my way somehow or another. "I have to get this house cleaned. It's gross!"
"Save it for later. You need to learn to sleep in like the rest of us." I finally admitted defeat at that point since it was clear he wasn't going to listen to me, but I still sighed heavily to let him know I wasn't happy about it. "Who knew you were so stubborn?" he teased with a chuckle, his hot breath tickling the back of my neck. Despite the wonderful sensations that ran though me because of it, I just bit my lip to distract me from myself and what it was doing to me.
"Learned it from you, I'm sure," I teased right back. He only chuckled again before he found himself having to yawn once more. I had to smile at my own sass since I wasn't well known for even having so much as a hint of it, but then I felt a faint blush slip into my cheeks. However, it wasn't because of anything that had been said. Rather it was something I felt that made me more than a little more than slightly flustered at that very moment. "If you're so tired, then why-"
"Can't help it," he murmured into my hair, trying to hide the embarrassment in his voice.
"Should I help with that?" I offered quietly. He didn't answer, no doubt too shocked to even try, and my entire face flushed to realize I'd even been the one to suggest it in the first place. When he finally answered me, though, it was all I could do not to laugh or at least giggle.
"Well... if that's what you want, then I sure as hell ain't gonna stop you."
--
"How could anyone live like this for so long?" I asked myself, not for the first time that day. As I looked into the coffee mug I'd found over by his old couch, I couldn't help but cringe. I'd seen him drink from it just last night, but looking at it now and finding the thick black sludge around the rim, it was clear it hadn't been washed in a very long time... if ever. What disturbed me more, though, was the fact that I'd let that man kiss me after letting his mouth touch the filthy thing. "Maybe I should just throw this away..."
Picking my way through the rest of the living room, I soon found the rest of the dishes to the incomplete set Gray had left in the cupboards. I could only assume that they were the remnants of any attempts he could've made at cooking, but it made sense now why he preferred to have take out as the primary source of his diet for so many years. I was still worried that Cu might've stumbled across the sad remains without me knowing, though. After all, my poor companion was sure to get sick if he tried to eat anything in the place that was outside of his food bowl.
Just when I was about to retreat for a moment or so, I came to the desk. Even with all the books piled on top of it along with a couple ashtrays, it was easily the cleanest space in the whole house besides, ironically enough, the bathroom, and so I felt a sense of relief just to plop down for a while in the chair that sat in front of it. However, once I began organizing the drawers, I began finding little scraps of paper, napkins, and envelopes with notes written out on them.
Most of them only took up the first half of a page or were just a couple of sentences, but there were a few that seemed to go on for numerous pages before dropping off at a certain point.
"Did he really write all of this?" I wondered aloud, flipping through a small collection of his scraps. Some of them were illegible, even for someone who had to read his sporadic handwriting on a regular basis, but there were also others that I could make out without too much trouble.
"Perhaps, he often mused... perhaps she already knew. Maybe that little glimmer in her eyes or the smile that tugged at her lips when they met were not just his imagination. There could be more to those seemingly innocent actions, but he just couldn't bring himself to ask. The hurt it would cause... it was too much."
Although it was probably just conceited of me to feel that way, I found I was disappointed to see he had ended so abruptly. Knowing Gray, he probably felt it was too personal to ever finish, but I just had to smile upon reading over his words and finding both him and myself in them. I also had to wonder just how long he'd held onto those feelings without me even being aware that they existed in the first place.
The other piece was less endearing, however.
"If you've ever seen the movies, men with morals never win. Hell, look at life and look around. Those too entrenched in their morals lose, whether it be losing a hard earned job to the cutthroat colleague that doesn't play fair or watching the maiden you live and breathe for be taken by another man that has no qualms about taking another man's woman."
My heart sank when I read the paragraph, and for a moment or so, I could only sit there and think. I wanted to tell myself it'd just been an off day that inspired him to write something like that, but after reading over it again, I knew there were many more like it stashed away in the various mad scribbles he'd jotted down over time. While I knew Gray wouldn't want to hear it, it was painfully clear to me that he'd always been something of a sad and bitter man. At least as long as he'd been in this place.
Stepping back into the bedroom, I found him still laying in bed with Cu curled up beside him. He was dressed now, and while he lay there with a cigarette dangling from his lips, he was reading yet another one of his books and scratching his small companion behind the ears. By the looks of it, though, he was falling asleep again.
"Gray, can I ask you about something?" I began, sitting on the end of the bed. His eyes flickered up to meet mine to let me know I had his attention, but as soon as he saw the collection of papers I had in my hands, all the color ran out of his face.
"You can read them if you want," he told me quietly. "Most of 'em are probably shit, though."
"No, they aren't," I insisted, shaking my head slowly. "They might not be finished just yet, but they're well written. You shouldn't put yourself down so easily." He didn't say anything at first, but instead he sighed as he closed the book he'd been reading and set it on his lap. When he opened his eyes again, though, he tried to offer me a slight smile just to reassure me he was alright.
"Claire, I don't even remember writing a damn word," he explained with a forced chuckle as he shook his own head. "The only time I write is when I'm drunk off my ass." I just sat there, too stunned to even know what to say, but he just went on as if I wasn't even in the room with him. "Hell, even if I wanted to finish 'em, I don't have a fucking clue on what I was thinking of in the first place."
"Then why did you keep doing it? Drinking, I mean..." After all, it wasn't like he didn't know what was happening to him over the years. He knew the consequences, he even watched someone die from the very same thing, so how could he keep doing that to himself? When I finally realized that I what I was doing to myself all those years ago, I wanted to do whatever it took to get better. He didn't even bother to care.
"Everyone drinks in my family," he replied with a heavy sigh. "My father, his father... me. Just never thought it was that big of a deal." I stared blankly at him for a moment since it was the first time I'd ever heard the man mention any family even in passing. I didn't really talk about mine much, either, but that was only because there wasn't much to say. However, the bitterness seeped into his voice as soon as he uttered the word 'father,' and that alone was able to bring everything into focus for me.
How could it be an issue for him if it was all he'd ever known?
"Can you get something out for me?" he asked suddenly. Gray sighed then, running his fingers through his hair, and after he snuffed out his cigarette, he pointed over to his dresser. "Bottom drawer, far right corner..." he began with another heavy sigh. "I've got a bottle of Jack I need to take care of."
Although I should've been angry with the man, I only did what I was told. Just as he'd said I would, I found a bottle of Jack Daniels stashed away in the way back, right behind a stack of faded, blue work shirts, but I paused once I got a good look at it. "Gray... this isn't even opened yet."
"I know," he replied. "I bought it a while ago... but I couldn't drink any of it with you around," he admitted, his face becoming a light shade of red. I smiled then to assure him I wasn't upset, but the feeling I had in my chest was bittersweet at best.
On the one hand, I was glad he'd been honest with me, and yet on the other... he'd gone and lied to me first.
"I'll be back," was all I said before all but running out the door. My grip on the neck of the bottle was tight, but I didn't even care that my nails were digging painfully into my hand at the moment. As long as I didn't let myself cry, everything would be okay, or at least that's what I told myself anyway. After all, while I knew it should've been Gray doing this, I also knew I wanted to be the one to get rid of it all myself. I wasn't going to simply pour it down the sink, though...
Because I was angry, and even if it wasn't at him, I needed to take it out on something, starting with the damn bottle I had in my hand.
Maybe he couldn't admit he had a problem, but Gray was still trying to change which meant I had to help him the best I could. If I had to break some glass on the pavement, then so be it. I just wanted to make sure I wouldn't lose him... because that man was the first good thing that had happened to me since coming to live here.
From the very beginning, Gray took care of me. I never knew if he understood how grateful I really was, and yet at the same time, I felt like he gave me a chance to be selfish for once. He let me whine, complain, pout...
All the things I could never let anyone else see.
"Where are you going exactly?" I stopped walking as soon as I heard Gray's voice, but when I did, I suddenly realized that I didn't even know where I'd ended up, much less where I could've been going. The building's were all unfamiliar to me here, and it was then that I also realized that, once again, the man had to go out of his way to help me. However, after he glanced down and saw the bottle was still in my hand, he added, "And why are you walking around with that out here?"
I didn't answer at first, but I didn't protest as he took it from me, either. A part of me was actually relieved not to have the weight of it any longer. Maybe that's why those I let those first few frustrated tears slip without me even knowing they were there.
Gray only stood there for a moment, not letting himself look at me while his brow knitted together in thought, but after a short while, I felt a heavy hand resting on the top of my head. He stayed quiet for a little longer than before he finally sighed and tried to speak again. "Come on, let's go back... Alright?" he said quietly, running his fingers through his hair once again. "You're making me look bad... having to chase after you and then having you cry like that... You know?"
Although my smile was a bit forced, I still laughed slightly to hear him say it. After all, it probably did look rather strange for me to run out of the house with a liquor bottle in my hand and walk several blocks before he finally caught up with me. "That really makes me look like the alcoholic, doesn't it?"
Right when I said it, my entire face flushed, but he didn't even give me a chance to apologize.
"You couldn't even handle a sip of this stuff," he assured me with a chuckled, shaking his head. "You're too damn scrawny to be anything but a lightweight anyway."
"So... what are you going to do with it?" I asked, having to jog to catch up with him. Without even thinking of what I was doing, I also slipped my small hand into his much larger one, and as soon as I did, I smiled to see his face redden and his features become rigid with embarrassment.
"Dump it," Gray replied with a shrug. "Not like there's anything else I can do with it..."
"Is there any more?" I continued. I didn't mean to pry, especially since I was sure that'd only make the problem worse, but I still wanted to believe him. I wanted to know he really wanted to go through with all of this. If he didn't think he was ready, I could respect that. After all, there was a time when I didn't want to change, either... Of course that didn't mean I would give up, though, because I wasn't about to simply watch him kill himself.
"Not that I can remember..." he assured me. "But I'll let you know if I find anything."
"You don't have to do that... unless you feel like you need to, of course." I'd actually done something similar once, and I had to admit that sometimes the thing I needed most was the chance to share my failures with someone. Who better to listen than someone who'd gone through a struggle much like your own? "It won't always be like this, though," I promised with a faint laugh.
"Well, I hope not," he agreed gruffly. "I didn't even know which way you went when you left... This isn't the 'burbs, you know." His hand tightened slightly around my own as he said it, but I only smiled up at him in understanding.
"You didn't have to come looking for me. I could've found my way back... eventually."
"'Eventually,'" Gray echoed with a smirk. "Weren't you the one I had to go up across town because you took the wrong bus?" My face flushed at the memory, but he only chuckled to himself to see my reaction. "And then there was the time you got lost when they sent you out to meet with a client..."
"I'm an accountant, not a part of public relations," I reminded him in a weak attempt to defend myself. When I heard him chuckle, though, I stared to pout. "And I seem to remember that you were the one they asked to go to that meeting first."
He just rolled his eyes as he let me back inside the house, and with that, I knew I had him. "Why send me when they could have someone like you to look at instead?" he teased as he put the bottle in the sink.
"That's not why they sent me!" I protested, my face burning at the mere thought. "If that was what they wanted, they would've sent Elli, not me."
"But she..." he began before giving a tug on the back of my skirt, "doesn't wear stuff like this." I gave a surprised squeal as it slipped down, but once I whipped around to face him, he was wearing a rather satisfied smirk. However, even though I was blushing like mad, I was still determined to keep at least some of my dignity.
"Would you rather I didn't wear a skirt?" I challenged, trying to narrow my eyes at him to let him know I was serious. Gray actually seemed to think on this for a moment, and I had to wonder just how I was going to keep up with this man. "You're hopeless..."
He didn't say anything, but he went stiff when I wrapped my arms around him. I just giggled. He really was so awkward about these things, and I just had to love him all the more for it.
"That's okay, though," I assured the man as I nuzzled into him. "Because I'm hopeless, too."
"Is that so?" he chuckled, tussling my hair. I didn't say anything at first before standing up on my tip-toes to give him a kiss. "You're pretty damn short, you know." I just stuck my tongue out at him, but it was hard not to giggle all the same. Then he smiled and hoisted me up with no effort at all, and like always, I gave a little squeal in surprise. For not being much of a ladies' man, he sure knew how to give me that light fluttery feeling in my chest by doing such things.
What startled me more than him picking me up, though, was his hand falling hard on my behind.
"What was that for?" I gasped. He just laughed, but he still wouldn't let me down. If you would've told me a few months ago that he could ever be like this, I wouldn't have believed you, and yet... a part of me wanted to believe I was the reason why he was acting so strange.
"For running off earlier without telling me," he explained with a deep chuckle that sent the most wonderful feeling right through me.
"Does that make me bad girl then?" I giggled. He just stared back at me with disbelief as his face flushed a deep shade of red, but while I was blushing as well, I still gave him a playful smile. After all, I wasn't exactly being myself, either, and I had to admit it was rather fun. Maybe even a little too much...
Not that Gray seemed to be complaining any when he took me back into the bedroom to 'teach me a lesson.'
--
Author's Note: Alright, after this chapter, I'm afraid there will be another dry spell when it comes to the romantic fluff. I could say that this chapter and the previous one were meant to show the special bond between these two, but I know I wouldn't be fooling anyone. The truth is that I just needed something to help step away from some of the drama.
Because, really, there's probably too much of that in this story as it is. : /
