disclaimer

I, Kagura Fuujinnomai do not own Bankotsu, Jakotsu, Suzaku, Hiten or any of the other characters associated with the Inuyasha series.

I get nothing from writing my Fanfics.

I am simply a fangirl who wishes to share her passion with the rest of the world.

- sincerely,

Kagura Fuujinnomai


(AN: A bit of terminology. "Yo Gatta" loosely translates to "thank goodness."

It is April 20th. Suzaku happens to be just barely twenty years old.

Sometimes nothing goes like we planned. We try our best, even when faced with the most horrendous of ordeals. Humans are like that. We fight, struggle and strive to do everything right. It's hard, and seems hopeless when you're hurting the people you love and getting nowhere very fast... The shroud of mental illness casts this dark hue over everything in life. Words and reason just aren't good enough. So what can we do?

Well Carl Rogers, one of the greats in the field of Psychology, was once asked "What is the cure for neurosis?" and after years of study and research he could offer only one answer: Love. That simple four letter word that was powerful enough to take Kujaku's life yet gracious enough to grant Suzaku's...

Sometimes we are left with little more than that tiny glimmer of hope to look back on. Maybe everything will be lost. Even life itself. But at least, at the very least... there was love.)


Not For All the World

Chapter Twenty-Nine: Yo Gatta


Suzaku sat silently, huddled up on the living room sofa as he stared vacantly at the television, which was turned off. He pressed a finger to his lips, stealing a glance at the closed door to the guest bedroom.

Beyond that door lay his very best friend, sound asleep in Suzaku's own bed.
He had promised to wake Jakotsu as soon as Hiten returned home. Apparently there was something important the queen wanted to tell him. But of course Suzaku had no real intentions of waking him at this time of night… Absently Suzaku stared down at the little note he had ripped off of the front door. Jakotsu had taped it there for Hiten, and the redhead supposed he should put it back, but he still had not.

"Hiten, please wake me up when you get home, even if it is very late. Do not talk to Su-Chan. Please talk to me instead. There is something you must know."

'Is Ja-chan trying to protect me?' Suzaku absently crumpled the little note up and tossed it aside. Hiten probably wouldn't want to talk anyway; he'd just hit him. It was better if Jakotsu was not awake to see that.

Maybe after he worked off all of that anger, he'd feel better and they could be together again...
Sexual assault, domestic violence... 'What the fuck ever.' They were all just stupid legal terms that Suzaku just couldn't give a shit about. Better to see his lover through a black eye than to never see him again.

And maybe, if he was lucky enough, Hiten really would kill him this time. That would be infinitely excellent; so much better than the torture of living without him...

'Kill me, kiss me. What's the difference?'

Silly Jakotsu had no clue. The thoughtful cross-dresser had even insisted they sleep together that night so that Suzaku would not be alone to face his possibly dangerous boyfriend. But the stubborn redhead had snuck right out from under the queen's nose and sat in the living room to do just that. 'Besides, I can't sleep anyway.' There was just too much incessant chatter going on in his head. It was so bad that the voices could wake him up… He sighed inwardly, letting them chatter nonsensically as he stole a glance at the clock.

"Four AM." Hiten was very, very late. Maybe he wouldn't come back home after all…
Suzaku sighed, stretching out on the sofa with his feet propped up on the elegant glass coffee table. 'Bet Hiten would bitch at me for putting my feet on his table…'

He could already see Hiten complaining, 'It's fragile!'

"Fragile, ne? Do you suppose we really could break this table?"
"Looks like it would be so easy…"
"Let's do it then. Broken glass is much more useful."

Suzaku shook his head, trying his best to ignore the voices. Hopefully the medication would soon kick in. Jakotsu had already forced him to take another pill. Eventually the voices would be gone again, but until then they were still very much a threat… They seemed to want only two things: sex and violence.

But perhaps that was okay. Suzaku loved Hiten Raiyuki after all. Sex and violence were right up his alley…
Yet it was these same voices that had caused his current separation from the one he loved. The voices had bade Suzaku kiss Jakotsu earlier, and for some reason he had not even been able to stop his body from obeying… Inside he knew that this was very dangerous. It was just like with Oto-San. Either someone would get raped or someone would get stabbed. Possibly both…

He knew he should just let Hiten go. Their relationship was so toxic, so painful. But he just couldn't do it. The very prospect of life without his lover was too terrible to bear.

'I can't stand to be lonely.'
"Cant stand to be lonely. Cant's stand it, cant stand it…"

The voices echoed, reverberated, and laughed as if mocking him. Sometimes the laughter intensified and other times it fell away into eerie silence.

"We understand."
"We always know what to do."
"With our help you can have it. We shall have it."
"What you want…"

"What I want?" Suzaku repeated dubiously, trying to ignore the incessant whispers.
They were starting to make him dizzy again. He pressed his fingers to his temples but the pressure remained. "What you want…What you want, who you want!"

Suzaku started, raising his head as a familiar sound cut through the chatter and reached his ears.
The front door had slammed shut.
"Speak of the devil…"
"What you want…"

Hiten stepped into the apartment, his arms loaded with various items from his workplace.
His eyes were bleary and his suit was disheveled. That was a rare sight; he looked miserable.
The weary man hung his car keys on the wall and was about to put down the last item he was carrying, a folder filled with documents, when he spotted Suzaku.

"Su-Chan!" Hiten hurried over to him, tossing the folder of documents carelessly onto the glass coffee table, and immediately Suzaku stood to accept his embrace. Hiten pulled him close, breathlessly whispering. His voice was hoarse and strained; overcome with anxiety. He spoke so quickly; a little rushed but oh, so sincere.
"Suzaku, I don't want us to break up. All I care about is you. All I want is you."

'He still wants me?'
"What you want…"

Suzaku smiled against him, absorbing his worried lover's warmth as he clung even tighter. He couldn't get enough, not even if he could somehow melt his own body into Hiten's. It was impossible, yet it was his dearest desire. 'I want you so badly, I'd kill for you...'

"I'd kill for you…"
"We'd kill for you."
"Kill,"
"We'd kill… you."

"Tell me the truth, please tell me the truth." He heard his precious lover whisper, again and again. Hiten was actually shivering as his emotion finally spilled out, but Suzaku was silent. Those wattery chocolate eyes begged. He'd never seen Hiten looking so desperate... "Just admit it if you want him instead," Hiten insisted, "It makes me crazy, just being left in the dark! It makes me violent. I never, ever want to hurt you…"

"Want to hurt you…"
"Want to hurt him…"
"We want to hurt him…"
"And so do you!"

Suzaku shook his head, trying to silence the voices. He focused only on Hiten's words; sincere and terrified, and tried to quell his fears. "I don't want Ja-Chan instead." He insisted, "It was just a ki-" But Hiten cut him off, not hearing any of it. "I'm not stupid, Suzaku! I recognize that look in your eyes. You wanted him. Why? Do you love him more? Do you want him more?"

"No, we just wanted to give you an excuse to kill Suzaku…"

'What?!'

Hiten frowned as Suzaku pulled away, shaking his head rather violently. He was suddenly too scared to speak. "Su-Chan, if you want Jakotsu instead then just let me go…"

"Let him go?!"
"What a joke!"
"Just kill him instead!"

The laughter between his ears grew again, loud and taunting. The world began to spin.
Suddenly Suzaku couldn't move, couldn't think. Hiten would not back down. He was talking again; demanding. He was so worried. He was so handsome; so magnificent…

"Let us take over
This is perfect!
Let us kill him!
He won't suspect a thing!"

"No…" The word left Suzaku's suddenly quivering lips. He could barely decipher what Hiten was asking. Suddenly he wanted desperately to get away. From the voices, from that insisting worried frown. From everything.

"Su-Chan just tell me what you want! You can have it!" Hiten just didn't understand.
Again Suzaku shook his head, this time more roughly. "No, no I can't..."

"Don't run away from me!" Suzaku had turned to leave but Hiten caught him from behind. Those strong arms wrapped around him and a soft kiss was pressed to his neck, but Suzaku struggled against the very embrace he usually craved.

"Don't run, don't run. Turn around."
"With him.
Want him. Together. Forever. Forever.
There's only one way…
You know the one way…
Kill him…"

"Don't make me do that," he begged, choking on his wavering voice. "Let go, Hiten."

"I won't." Hiten held his shaking quarry even closer, gently but firmly. "Tell me the truth for once! Tell me what's wrong with you. Tell me what you really want.…"

Suzaku said nothing, but struggled against his hold still, trying to get away.
"You can tell me," He heard the man behind him practically begging, "I will still love you."
The redhead froze for a moment, letting the words digest. "You still love me?…" He echoed, stunned. And the voices in his head buzzed with a new fervor.

"He loves you! Kill him now! Kill him and it will last forever!
He will die loving you! Don't you want that forever?!
Forever those words. Forever those feelings.
Forever he will love you if he never moves again!"

"Of course." Hiten insisted "Of course I love you!"
Suzaku's head shook again, this time more desperately and he suddenly yelled as if he were in great pain. "Then let go!" The redhead struggled, forcing out the truth, hoping it made some kind of sense. "I love JaChan but I love you more. I want you more okay?! I love you more, but let me go. I'm sick. I'm dizzy…Please just-"

The redhead was crying harder now. The misery wracked his small form as he sobbed. The shame and the sickness combined, screaming in his head and he couldn't think anymore; couldn't control any of it.

"Death is forever.
Love. Forever. With him forever.
Kill him. Kill him now!"

"Let me go!" Suzaku heard himself sobbing, even as his entire being yearned to pull his love closer, he struggled against Hiten with all of his might. He should hold tighter; squeeze tighter. Get his hands on that necklace and choke the life out of those gorgeous chocolate eyes. Wait. No. His mind was just playing tricks, or was it? The message was so loud, so intense. 'Kill Hiten so we can be together?' It didn't make sense but at the same time it did. It was the answer. He knew the answer but hated it. Hated the whispers and the laughter and the pain. It would all go away if he only obeyed...

"Do it! If you both die, you'll be with him!
With him forever!"

"Stop it!" His voice cut through the shrieking laughter and poisonous suggestions.
He fought against the man that held him; the warm embrace about his trembling body and finally he was released.

Hiten stood, staring unbelieving, at his tormented lover.

Suzaku tumbled from his arms and hit the floor, just barely catching himself. And there he knelt, sobbing uncontrollably as he let the misery drip out along with the violently shuddering whimpers. Hiten sat beside him, watching incredulously as his companion held his own face in his hands, speaking to someone or something that did not even exist. His voice was shaking; desperate.

"Stop it. Just stop it. Please… I don't want to. I won't, I wont…"

He repeated this, again and again, and finally the reason dawned on Hiten as he watched, terrified as his love broke down in front of him. It was just as Jakotsu had said.
'Maybe you're too stupid to notice it, but Su-Chan is obviously very sick right now!' Suzaku was definitely ill. Hiten had never believed it possible, but Suzaku was out of his mind. To see him like this was so saddening, so terrifying…

"It's okay," He heard himself say, though his rational thought was screaming the very opposite. Suddenly it was Hiten who wanted to run away, but he couldn't bring himself to just leave Suzaku there. The poor thing. He looked like he was in such terrible pain… He was so small. With his knees hugged up so tightly, the difference in their ages seemed so much more striking. His poor, sweet little angel. He must feel such terrible shame, breaking down like this, showing so many of the symptoms that he'd tried so desperately to hide.

'You wouldn't like me... if I told you what was in that bottle.'

'Yes I do!' Hiten wanted to insist. Would his poor pet even understand if he said it? Wasn't there any way to prove it? Some way to alleviate his suffering?

"It'll be all right, Su-Chan." Hiten spoke gently yet resolutely, thinking as quickly as he could. It was difficult to remain calm and gentle while Suzaku was shivering so violently and refusing his touch, but he still had to try to calm him... "You just need to take your meds. Come, come and lie down on the sofa. I'll get them for you." Hiten reached out but Suzaku flinched, refusing his gentle caress.

"Don't touch me!"

"But Su-"

"Just leave! Leave me alone…" The redhead sobbed. "Please, please just leave." He was trying to yell but could not. His voice seemed strained; hoarse. The humiliation was even more evident than the misery. The tears rolled down his wet pink lips. He shivered and shook, mumbling all the while that he wanted to be left alone. "Leave me, leave me. Please just leave me. Don't. touch. me…"

"I just want to help, Su-Chan." he reached out but Suzaku dodged again. He lie back on the carpet, sobbing, and would not speak anymore. So Hiten stood, unsure of what to do. Maybe he should call the police? But surely that would be too risky. They would try to subdue him, even if Suzaku didn't want to be touched. And what if they hurt him? What if they would want to lock him up? Those rooms with the white walls... Straightjackets and other such nonsense. No way was he letting that happen to Suzaku. He only needed pills right? Those meds… Whatever was in them had made Suzaku act like he had never been sick to begin with! If only he could get those drugs back into him…

At that moment Hiten suddenly became aware that Suzaku had fallen completely silent. He no longer mumbled, speaking to whatever or whoever was tormenting him. Hiten leaned down, gazing into those suddenly still, lifeless eyes. Suzaku blinked, slowly, and his eyes absently followed Hiten's movement. The tears continued to fall, but now his breathing was much more steady. Hiten remembered the last time he'd seen Suzaku like this, but it wasn't quite the same. It wasn't really catatonia, but he still seemed lifeless; unconscious. "Su-Chan?"

The redhead didn't respond, but he did meet Hiten's gaze. He was aware on some level…

Scary. Like a zombie... Or perhaps someone who'd been brainwashed, like on television?

'Can't be. That's stupid.'

But it sure looked like it. Suzaku was completely, eerily silent all of the sudden, and though those green eyes were fixed with intent, it seemed like there was nothing going on behind them...

Was this a good sign or a bad sign? Either way Hiten decided he preferred this docile, almost silent Suzaku over the panicked, screaming one he had just witnessed. Maybe in this state he would be more likely to take the medicine?

At this thought Hiten stood, deciding it was now or never, and hurried off to fetch one of those familiar white pills.

------------------


"Get up."
Immediately Suzaku rose, blinking the world back into focus. He was alone in the living room now. His mind was empty. He couldn't even remember why he was crying… "Go and sit down."
His wet hands slipped on the smooth surface of the glass coffee table as he made his way back to the sofa. He sat among those soft black pillows and hugged his knees to his chest. He felt nothing and thought of nothing. There was only the voices, giving commands for his body to immediately comply to.

"Now's our turn to shine."
"We'll make sure Hiten will stay. Forever…"
"We'll make sure he can never leave again…"
"What you want. That's just him isn't it?"
"Hiten..."

As if by magic, that very man walked into the room. Hiten was holding a glass of water in one hand, and looked surprised to see Suzaku sitting up. He approached gingerly and placed a little white pill on the coffee table. It spun around, in slow motion. It looked like it was floating in midair because of the spotless glass surface…

Green eyes blinked and the tears continued but their owner was little more than a puppet.
"Wait for it…"

The cushions sank a little as Hiten took his seat beside his lover. Those emerald eyes stared at him, blank and unfeeling. "Take this Suzaku," he instructed, holding out the glass of water. "Or if you like I can mix it into a strawberry smoothie or something. But you have to take your meds."

That beautiful head cocked to the side, but it didn't seem like Suzaku had heard a single word. His mouth hung open a little bit and even though his gaze was unflinching, his mind didn't seem to be there. It was an eerie sight, but Hiten persisted. There was no question now. He had to get the antipsychotics into his system or Suzaku would not be well again. "Suzaku." He spoke louder now, and more clearly. "You have to take this pill."

Finally he seemed to respond. Suzaku leaned closer, and wrapped only one arm around Hiten. It seemed like he wanted a kiss... Hiten absently obliged, desperate to please his irrational lover. Strange that Suzaku tasted the same, even though the sickness had changed him so drastically. Hiten didn't even mind the salt of those tears. He didn't think anything of it when Suzaku slid a hand along his neck, fingering the thick golden chain that symbolized their love. Slowly the redhead wound that chain around his wrist. The length grew shorter and shorter, until the chainlinks pressed tightly against Hiten's neck.

Perfect. The very necklace that had breathed life into their relationship could now be used to strangle it right back out. It was a small price to pay. With Hiten's death, love itself would be realized; immortalized.

Hiten was none the wiser.

After a moment their kiss was broken and Hiten persisted, trying to coax his lover into taking that pill.
"Here." he offered that glass cup again and finally Suzaku reached out and took it.

For a moment neither man moved.

Those lifeless green eyes stared at the glass, as if it were some strange, mysterious creature. Then without warning, Suzaku brought it up sharply, smashing it against Hiten's face.

Momentarily blinded, Hiten recoiled as the broken glass fell, biting into his skin. But the sudden movement yanked Suzaku only closer. Suddenly Hiten found himself pinned. The bloody cuts stung, biting just as sharply as the chain around his neck. Suzaku's full weight was upon him, his knees dug painfully into his stomach and only then did he realize what those skilled hands intended. One more twist and that necklace bit down until Hiten could not breathe. He choked and struggled, but they were hopelessly bound together. If he pulled away, Suzaku's wrist would only pull him along. If he tried to push Suzaku away, the necklace constricted only tighter around his neck. His eyes flew open as the intention finally hit home.

Suzaku wanted him dead! He wanted him suffocated!

And unfortunately, it seemed he'd picked just the right method. It didn't require any real strength. The wrist twisted up into the necklace was probably turning purple. The more Hiten struggled, the harder it constricted both his neck and his precious angel's wrist. At this rate he'd break Suzaku's wrist, just trying to get it off.
'I don't want to hurt my Su-Chan.' But even as Hiten thought this he knew there was no other alternative. Suzaku was not going to let up. Every moment spent debating robbed more strength. There was little choice; let himself be suffocated or fight back.

Hiten felt the sting of new cuts as the blood ran down his face and into his eyes, blinding him as his precious locket was pulled only tighter; strangling. Blood and tears combined. He tried to speak but it was impossible. His head swam, starved for oxygen, and he instinctively tried to throw Suzaku off of him, but to no avail. Suzaku's hands fastened around his neck and those painted fingernails bit into his skin. Everything was growing dimmer; darker. He couldn't see for the blood and couldn't breathe; couldn't think. Surely this pleading, terrifying darkness would swallow him up permanently…

He tried once more, desperately putting the last vestiges of his strength into knocking his attacker off. This time it almost worked! Suzaku faltered and immediately Hiten threw him completely off, not even caring when the necklace snapped and fell to pieces. But the resounding, earth-shattering crash made his heart stop.

He bolted upright, coughing, trying to catch his breath as his oxygen-starved brain realized his error too late. He'd thrown Suzaku right into the fragile glass coffee table, which shattered on contact.

Rubbing the blood from his eyes, Hiten beheld the disastrous scene. Shards of glass and ruined documents scattered onto the carpet, followed by a drabble of fresh blood.

'Fuck…'
It was like a slow-motion nightmare. Suzaku tried to get up but could not, now it was the delicate redhead who writhed in pain. He whimpered as his fingers moved to pry the glass shards from his body. "Stay still Su-Chan!"

Hiten jumped down from the sofa, moving immediately to pull his lover away from the glass, even though he knew the damage had already been done. Gingerly he lifted that beautiful body up into his arms. He then lay his precious boyfriend on the carpet, immediately ripping off Suzaku's ruined shirt so he could examine his shaking, injured body.

The worst cut, one of many, was about six inches across and a centimeter wide, and had been sliced into the side of his lover's stomach. The bleeding was profuse and unobstructed.

Hiten pressed the shirt over it, trying to stop the flow of blood as his lover shivered, whimpering like an injured puppy. Those bright green eyes were alive again, and filled with fear. Yet when they met with Hiten's, his gaze suddenly softened. It was as if Suzaku had just realized something amazingly calming...

Careful, bloody hands reached up, and for a moment Hiten was afraid the redhead would try to strangle him again. But he did not. Those shaking fingers slid gently down his cheek and Suzaku's paling lips curved into a weak smile. "Oh, my Hiten..." Like he'd only just recognized him...

Suzaku cupped his lover's face, gingerly, not noticing the blood he was smearing onto that handsome visage. "Yo gatta…" He whispered, letting his hand fall weakly back to the floor.

"Now you are safe…"

"Don't talk!" Hiten insisted, pulling him closer. His embrace was so warm…
'I love you, I love you," He kept whispering. Hiten was shaking; crying, but miraculously alive.

"I love you too…"

"Shush. Su-Chan, save your strength…"

'Why?…' Suzaku wanted to laugh, but could not. How ironic. Hiten didn't even care about the ghastly purple bruises around his own neck. He only felt Suzaku's pain. Warm tears dripped just like the blood; soothing. 'Don't be sad.' he wanted to say that, but could not speak anymore.

The shivering set in then.
It was cold. Numbing, comforting ice bit at Suzaku's snowy white skin as his energy drained out with the blood. But that didn't matter. 'My Hiten is safe.' And that was enough. Suzaku felt only joy; relief. Hiten looked so beautiful, with those bloody tears rolling down his cheeks. If he'd had the choice, Suzaku would have liked to keep that watery chocolate gaze for just a moment longer but his eyelids were just too heavy.

This time the darkness that consumed him was silent; empty. Peaceful.