The disclaimer is out building an igloo, which it plans to melt over itself in an attempt to take its own life. I'm going to try a script format this time, just to take a break from actual narrative. Charles Dickens will rise out of his grave later tonight to punish me for this, but I'm doing it anyway. Oh, and excuse the grammar.

X-Men: Evolution
"Mutant Christmas Carol"
King of the Worthless

(Scene: A small shop at the edge of Bavyille. Charles Xavier sits behind a desk, counting money)

Xavier- Ah, how I love myself. I'm glad I got out of the mutant training business and decided to become an accountant! SUMMERS!

Scott- Yes, Professor Xavier?

Xavier- Hurry up with the accounts!

Scott- Yes, sir...

(Scott continues writing. Xavier reclines in his wheelchair. Suddenly, Scott stops)

Scott- Excuse me, sir... could I have some coal... to keep warm?

Xavier- You want coal? You've got your mutant powers! Use those to keep warm.

Scott- But I have force beams, not heat beams!

Xavier- Well that's your problem, isn't it?

Scott- Please sir...

Xavier- Coal costs money. You have money to pay for it?

Scott- Yes, sir, I-

Xavier- Not on your salary!

Scott- But sir, I make a good salary here.

Xavier- Uh... not anymore! Federal law mandates a 30 paycut every Christmas, so that people will become more frustrated and depressed when they can't afford presents for their loved ones and kill themselves, effectively keeping the population down! You know how it is.

Scott- Yes, sir... oh, it's quitting time, sir!

Xavier- Right. Out of my sight.

Scott- Could I have tomorrow off? It's Christmas.

Xavier- Christmas? Humbug.

Scott- It's also my birthday.

Xavier- Humbug.

Scott- And my fifteenth wedding anniversary.

Xavier- Okay, here's the deal... I give you five seconds to get out, and you keep your job. If you are not out of my sights in five seconds, I will-

(Hank McCoy barges in, along with Ororo)

Hank- Hi, Uncle Charles!

Xavier- Damn you! I was threatening my employees! Ororo, why did you marry this fool?

Ororo- Because you force me to, Uncle Charles.

Xavier- Oh, right, McCoy was so full of promise... then he turned all furry. Ha, what a world!

Hank- Say, Uncle Charles-

Xavier- I am not your uncle!

Hank- Ororo's Uncle Charles, sir, would you like to come over for Christmas dinner?

Ororo- Yeah, we're having duck.

Xavier- And you decided to invite me? What are you, crazy?

Hank- A little.

Xavier- Okay, you can take Summers.

Scott- What?!

Xavier- I gave you five seconds, and you're still here. Summers, you are officially employeed by these two.

Hank- Uh...

Ororo- You're not coming over.

Scott- No!

(Scott runs out and blasts a car, then runs home, crying)

Xavier- Anyway, I best be on my way.

Hank- So you'll come?

Xavier- "Yes."

Ororo- Yay!

(Xavier rolls out of the shop. As he goes towards his house, he is stopped by Kurt and Kitty)

Kurt- Hello, Professor!

Xavier- Hello. Goodbye.

Kitty- No, wait! We're collecting for the poorhouses!

Xavier- Collecting what?

Kurt- Money, silly. Zere's an awful lot of unemployment due to ze mandatory 35 paycut.

Xavier- It's 35 this year?! That means my employees owe me 5!

Kitty- What should we sign you up as?

Xavier- Nothing.

Kurt- You wish to be anonymous?

Xavier- Yes. I wish to donate.

(Xavier writes a check for $0)

Kitty- Thank you so much, Professor!

Xavier- Anytime, Kitty!

(Xavier snickers. It's a good thing Kurt and Kitty have the combined brainpower of a lobster. Xavier returns home. He goes inside the Institute and into his room. He locks the door and rolls over to his desk. He gets a book, and begins to read)

Logan- Xaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaavieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeerrrrr...

Xavier- What?

Logan- Xaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaavieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeerrrrr...

Xavier- What?!

Logan- Xaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaavieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeerrrrr...

Xavier- Dammit, man, what do you want?!

(Logan's ghost walks through the door, carrying chains and Danger Room weaponry)

Xavier- What do you want?

Logan- Charles Xavieeeeer, I am here to warn yooooooouuuuu!

Xavier- Warn me about what? Why are you talking like that?

Logan- Aren't you scaaaaaaaaaared?

Xavier- Scared? Of course not! You've been here every day since you died! Just last night we had tea together!

Logan- We did?

Xavier- Anyway, what'll it be tonight? Up for a game of Twister?

Logan- Nooooo! Three ghosts will visit you tonight!

Xavier- You did this last week!

Logan- No I didn't!

Xavier- Yes, you did! And each time, it was just you with a different hat!

Logan- Well this time it's for real, bub! The first ghost will appear at the stroke of twelve! The second will appear at the stroke of one! The third will appear at the stroke of one oh one!

Xavier- What? Not two?

Logan- No, the third dislikes long waits. Remember Charles, you will end up like me!

Xavier- No, I'm afraid I won't be dragging Danger Room weaponry around. I wasn't as hard on them as you were, so I'll just be dragging my Cerebro helmet.

Logan- Look, whatever, I've got a plane to catch.

(Logan draws his claws and flies out the window towards a plane, screaming all the day. Xavier glances at the clock. It's twelve)

Xavier- Bah. No ghost.

(Suddenly, the clock turns into the Ghost of Christmas Past... but we'll call her Mystique)

Mystique- Charles Xavier.

Xavier- Oh, hello, Mystique.

Mystique- Alright, I only agreed to do this because someone guaranteed that I'd be well paid. I'm going to do this as quick as possible and without drama.

Xavier- Who's paying you?

Mystique- Why Logan, of course. He sent me here to annoy you.

(Suddenly, Xavier and Mystique are in Bayville... 20 years ago. Young Charles is running around the yard with Young Cain)

Cain- You can't stop me!

Charles- Oh yeah? Daddy loves me best!

Cain- Shut up, SHUT UP!

Charles- You'll never be as good as me!

Cain- DADDY!

Daddy- Shut up, you two, I hate you equally!

Mystique- Oh, you've come a long way from then...

Xavier- That never happened. Can we move on?

Mystique- Oh, right.

(Mystique morphs into a young Storm)

Storm- Remember me, Charles?

Xavier- No.

Storm- Huh? I was your first love!

Xavier- No, you're my niece.

Storm- You've got some dark secrets, uncle Charlie.

Xavier- ...I'll ignore that. My first love was Moira McTaggert... or was it Amelia Voght? Or was it-

Mystique- Alright, whatever, you lost your first love because you were greedy and arrogant.

Xavier- No, it was because I was bald!

Mystique- Same thing! Anyway, it's late. Your first love left you, and your life sucks. Bye!

(Mystique morphs into a raven and flies off. Suddenly, Xavier is back in his room)

Xavier- Hmm... bad dream. Hey, it's two...

(Sabretooth appears on the balcony)

Xavier- Hello, Victor. You just missed Logan...

Sabretooth- I'm here to give you a tour of the town. Wait, wait, before we go, I have to fulfill part of the deal.

(Suddenly, the room is filled with raw meat. Sabretooth quickly devours it all)

Xavier- Right, the Ghost of Christmas Present is a glutton, I get it.

Sabretooth- What? No, I was supposed to do this ghost gig and then finish the stock at the butcher's shop, or it'd just rot while he's visiting the in-laws. Now then, I'm going to take you across town...

(Suddenly, Xavier and Sabretooth are right outside Scott Summers' house. Inside is Jean Grey-Summers, combing her hair)

Scott- Jean, honey, is the Christmas roast almost ready?

Jean- Huh? Oh, what?

Scott- We had a Christmas dinner planned, just the two of us!

(Suddenly, Evan limps on, with a bone-crutch)

Scott- Oh yeah, and you. Jean, why did we adopt him again?

Jean- I thought it was your idea.

Scott- Oh, right. Like I'd do that. Now where's dinner?

Sabretooth- Summers and his family don't have enough to eat, because you keep cutting his salary.

Xavier- Hey, I never told him to marry her OR to adopt him! That's all his fault!

Sabretooth- Yeah, maybe so, but... er... alright, that's enough of that. Let's go check out the gutter.

(Sabretooth and Xavier are inside a tunnel filled with homeless families)

Sabretooth- While you're getting GREEDY and FAT, these people starve.

Xavier- But... why do you pity them? Wouldn't you much rather eat them?

Sabretooth- No! I could never... I... DAMN YOU XAVIER!

Xavier- HAHAHAHAHAH!!

(Sabretooth disappears)

Xavier- Hey! You forgot me! HEY!

(The homeless families are gone. Instead, there's the Brotherhood minus Toad and plus Rogue huddling near a burning drum, looking through a pile of stuff)

Xavier- Huh?

Lance- Haha, check this out! An old derby!

Fred- Better yet, I got his wheelchair!

Pietro- Nah, that doesn't hold a candle to this antique candlestick! It's worth thousands!

Rogue- Even better! I got Cerebro!

Wanda- Let's see what else is here...Ah! A set of DVDs!

Xavier- What is this? Who are these people?

Magneto- They are bums.

Xavier- Third ghost? Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come?

Magneto- Yes, Charles. I was told that I was not to speak, but this story has no visual aides.

Xavier- Who's that?

(Scott arrives, now much older. He tosses a bone crutch to Lance)

Scott- He's dead! ARE YOU HAPPY NOW?!

Pietro- Evan dead?! NOOOOOO!!

Rogue- Wha-?!

Pietro- Uh... sarcasm... yes... you idiot.

Xavier- Oh, spirit, this is great news!

(Magneto takes Xavier to a graveyard. Next to Evan's grave is Xavier's grave)

Xavier- So soon? Can I change this?

Magneto- Yes. In three years, Storm will ask you to join her on a trip to Africa. You may go, but beware the... oh, time's up. Goodbye, Charles!

Xavier- Wait! Beware the what?! BEWARE THE WHAT?!

(Xavier wakes up. He looks out the window to see Todd)

Xavier- You there, what day is it?

Todd- Groundhog's day, yo. You outta that coma?

Xavier- WHAT?!

Todd- Nah, just fuckin' with ya. It's Christmas.

Xavier- Oh... quick! Find the biggest turkey you can find and buy it! I'll pay you back!

(Todd comes back with the turkey. Xavier takes it and arrives at the Summers residence)

Scott- Professor! I-

(Xavier beats Scott over the head with the turkey. When he's done, he looks over to Jean and Evan with an evil stare)

Xavier- MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL! NOW YOU'RE ALL GONNA DIE!!

The End

I've always been fascinated by the concept that deep down, kindly old Xavier is really a twisted sadistic psycho. Look, I know I used the same line to close two different fics, but c'mon, it's a good line.