POV separated by line breaks goes Yuuki - Zero - Yuuki - Zero - Kaitou - Yuuki.
I've had so many dreams of you, but the one that recurs most starts off in a pitch black room. I would hear these sounds, pained whimpers, tortured screams, panicked gasps, desperate murmurs. I'd follow these sounds, and there you'd be curled in a corner. You'd look up as I approach, staring at me with dead, bloodshot eyes. I'd reach out to touch you, to take your pain away.
But there's this glass wall between us; this wall that cannot be broken, this wall that keeps us apart.
I pound hard against this wall, screaming my lungs out calling your name. I never found out if you could hear me or not, you gave no sign of this. But I knew you could see me. Sometimes you reach out your hands as if to touch me. Sometimes I could see your lips move, forming words I couldn't hear, words I would imagine to be 'save me, Yuki', 'hold me, Yuki', 'I'm in pain, Yuki'. Sometimes you'd just watch me, unmoving, with tears in your eyes that you're too proud to cry out.
Sometimes, the dream is worse.
You'd be lying in a pool of blood, holding yourself tightly with your fangs piercing your wrist as your body convulsed with each breath you took. All I could do was scream from behind the glass, calling out to you to stay alive. I fell on my knees, pounding the glass, screaming to be let in.
Other times, they are just painful.
I'm in bed with you, being held by you. You kiss my forehead and lift my chin so that I'm looking right at you. "Yuki, listen to me," you say.
"There will be a day when I disappear." You smile faintly, stroking my cheek.
"Don't look for me." You run your fingers through my hair.
"Live happily. Find someone who loves you more, who cherishes you, who will take care of you." You kiss my forehead once more.
"Because I can't," your voice cracks as you hold me tighter. "I'm so sorry, baby. I'm sorry," you kiss my forehead over and over again as your tears flow from your eyes down to my cheeks.
A million protests run through my mind, but no words escape my lips. I'm mute, unable to tell you, "No, I'll never be able to. How can I be happy without you?" unable to say sorry for the pain I'll put you through.
You continue killing me with your words. "I'm sorry, Yuki. I'm sorry I can't be here for you. But promise me that you'll live happy, that you'll live well. Promise me, please."
You'll smile at me again, tears in your eyes, then kiss my lips gently.
This dream is the most painful; this dream of our final conversation.
Back in reality, you had me pinned against the wall. You were shouting angrily, but I could barely register your words. All I could see were your eyes. Your eyes betrayed that angry tone of your voice. Your eyes were hurt and pained, not angry, not vengeful the way you wanted me to believe you were.
"Take from me, Zero" I told you. I could never save you in those dreams of mine. Let me save you now, let me ease that pain of yours just a little bit. I can't heal your heart, but at least let me ease your hunger. Let me atone for my sins, let me save you for just a moment.
I see the doubt in your eyes quickly clouded by the monster inside. In this moment, there is no Zero. He's gone to sleep now, hidden behind the monster that threatens to eat him up alive. Sleep, Zero, sleep well. Let me tend to this. Let me take care of your monsters and demons. I'll look after you while you're asleep. I felt hot breath on my neck and a moment of hesitation.
Don't hesitate Zero. You've suffered long enough, you've starved for so long. Let me take care of you. I took your face in my hands and pulled you to my neck, the way I did the first time. I felt your fangs elongate and graze my skin. I closed my eyes, waiting for your fangs to pierce my skin once more.
You took my face in your hands, drawing me closer to your neck. It's déjà vu all over again. We've done this before. Initiating this forbidden act always starts with you pulling me towards you. I tried to resist, my brain telling me that this was crazy, that this will just open up another can of worms to deal with.
But this heart of mine was easily swayed. This heart that I had chained away for far too long was screaming for your blood, screaming to be close to you, screaming for you.
And this body of mine was no longer in my control. In this moment, only the most basic and carnal creature exists here. Zero is long gone. Zero is dead. He's been dead for awhile now.
This creature bared its fangs, inhaling your scent.
Those fangs scratched your neck, opening a shallow cut, letting the smallest drop of blood ooze out. Is this enough, Zero?
I smirked, enough? No, barely. But because I've been so able to survive on so little, I'm used to it by now. Just like how I went mad over her little show of love, the slightest hint of love. Like a starved dog, taking scraps to get by. Like an alcoholic going mental for a single drop of alcohol. Like a Zero going crazy for a Yuki. That one drop is plenty.
Not that I had a choice.
I was quickly pulled away from the vampire princess and slammed to the wall. I slid down to the floor, I didn't have the fight left in me to struggle. These voices they shouted at me, to get myself together, to pull it together. I peered up, they were all hunters just stopping a fellow hunter from falling even deeper into a hellhole.
Don't they understand?
Their commander is tired. Their strong, capable commander is weak. I've given up, I can't even fight the monster in me so how am I to fight the other monsters in the world? Let someone else do it. Why is it my responsibility to save a world that's been so cruel to me? Why always me?
I started to laugh, pulling myself off the floor. It must have scared the hell out of them. Their general has finally gone bonkers. The pain has finally driven me over the edge; I had always wondered for how long I could keep sane. I guess everything in this world has an expiry date, even sanity.
"Guard her door," I gave orders to the hunters.
I stared at you again. I'm no longer hiding from your eyes. Look at me; look at the man you've broken, look at the man you've killed. Look at the pain you've caused, look at the destruction you've left behind. Look at me.
"She's precious."
Yeah, she's my precious woman; the Association's precious prisoner. So protect her, even from me.
I watched you laugh as you picked yourself off the floor. This is the laugh you always used on me, the laugh that you hide behind. I struggled against the hunters, but they wouldn't let me come close to you. You looked up to me, staring directly at me, as if challenging me.
Look at this mess you've caused, Yuki. Look at the man you've turned me into.
"Guard her door. She's precious."
And you turned your back, walking away, laughing.
I was shoved back into the room.
His laugh; there was once upon a time he laughed happily. There was a time when we would laugh together. Now these laughs, these words, are empty, hollow, devoid of emotion. I touched my neck for the mark, any mark that showed that Zero was once here. But there was none. My skin had healed, leaving behind nothing, not even the tiniest scar.
My laughter soon turned into gasps. These walls I had tried to rebuild when she first left were quickly collapsing. This heart I had tried to patch up when she first left was quickly tearing apart. This pain I had tried to keep at bay when she first left was quickly resurfacing; more bitter, more hurtful than ever.
"Lock me up."
Yagari sensei looked up at me, probably thinking that I had gone mad. He took one look at me and knew for sure that I had.
"Zero, I'm not sure if that's the way."
"Just tonight. Just one night."
We both knew why, so he obliged quietly.
The metal doors clanged behind me.
"I'll come back in the morning."
I looked around.
It hasn't been long since I was in here.
In fact, I could be considered a regular. When the pain gets too bad, when the thoughts get too suicidal; I knew I needed somewhere to be safe from myself. Isn't it ironic, that the place I chose turns out to be the deepest, darkest dungeon in the Association. In this emptiness, in this nothingness, I feel the safest.
There's nothing here that reminds me of her love. Nothing that reminds me of the life I once had.
I curled up in a corner, taking deep breaths, counting to three.
Slowly, ever so slowly, my heartbeat steadied. Slowly but surely, my tumultuous mind started to clear. Slowly, I started to attempt to apply logic to the situation, to make sense and reason out my actions.
When she left, I told myself to never follow my heart again, that only logic will apply in my decisions. I kept that promise to myself, until today.
I screwed up. She screwed me up.
What's the best thing to do now, Zero?
Best for who? Best for me? Best for her? Best for the Association?
Be selfish. Do the thing best for yourself.
What's that? What can I do that will ease this pain? What can I do to turn back time, to make sure I never meet her?
How? How are you this weak, Zero?
I covered my ears. These voices in my head were getting louder.
They call me a fool, for still feeling this hurt so deeply.
They call me irresponsible, for allowing a mere vampire to wound a hunter this badly.
They call me an idiot, for being so unable to overcome a simple heartbreak.
They call me sick, for being so obsessive over one woman.
And they're all right.
"We need her."
"No, we don't."
"He's been in there for 3 days. He's going to waste away and die if we don't bring her here."
"He's not a child, he'll get over it on his own. We've given him blood supplies."
"He's not even touching them, it's her that he needs."
"No, having her will just damn him to that hell even more."
Chairman threw up his hands in defeat. Yagari was hell bent on keeping her away from him. What do you want us to do, Zero? Tell us, tell us what you want.
I looked into the room where Zero had imprisoned himself. He was just lying there, this blank glassed over look on his face. This was much better than yesterday, when he had started convulsing and clawing at himself. We had left the blood bags in the cell, coaxed him to feed, to overcome the hunger. To be fair, he did try.
He had started to drink. But his body rejected it that he puked out more than he took in.
Much as I hate that woman, I do agree that it is her blood that he needs. Because when you've tasted the finest champagne, how could you ever go back to cheap supermarket wine.
Zero Kiryuu, you fucking spoilt brat.
You look so pitiful like that, can you please stop now. There's a war raging on that you need to captain. There are people counting on you. But you can fuck them all, it's fine. I don't care. The war will rage on anyway. I just can't bear seeing you continue hurting yourself this way.
I'm sorry there's nothing we can do for you. We've failed you, all of us.
I'm sorry, I was supposed to be your brother. I was supposed to help you get over your heartbreak. I'm sorry I've failed you.
Chairman and Yagari were going at it again. I'm sorry that none of us know what to do for you. I know they both blame themselves for not protecting you.
We're sorry.
And I'm sorry for what I'm about to do now.
I don't know if it will work, but it worked once before. It should work again.
I heard a knock on the door.
"Yuki, it's me." It was Kaito.
"Come in."
He entered, with the same expression I saw a year ago. It must be about Zero.
"What's happened, Kaito?" Please, don't let it be anything bad. Please, let Zero be alive.
"We need your blood again."
