A/N: Thanks for reviewing, I hope you enjoy this chapter.
The Truth Hurts.
The ride home from the hospital was quiet and it wasn't altogether a comfortable quiet. Sara was tired and grumpy and even though she would never admit it, in pain.
Grissom knew all of that and after she snapped at him when he had tried to help her into the car had refrained from trying to initiate any conversation, hence the quiet.
By the time they arrived back at Sara's apartment, she was asleep and Grissom breathed a sigh of relief, hoping that when she woke she would be in a better frame of mind. His relief was short-lived however when once out of the car she pushed him aside and made her way inside.
Jim watched Sara enter and go straight to her bedroom and slam the door.
Grissom, when he entered could see the look of concern on the other mans face and he knew it mirrored his own.
"What happened Gil?"
"It's more a case of what didn't happen Jim" Grissom let out a long sigh and entering the kitchen pulled out a couple of glasses. "Scotch?" he asked holding up a glass.
"Uh, yeah, thanks" Jim decided to wait until Grissom had his drink before asking for an explanation.
Handing Jim his drink, Grissom sat down wearily next to him on the couch.
"So… what didn't happen?"
Grissom took a long sip of his drink before answering.
"It was ok at first, then she couldn't do one of the exercises because of the weight of the plaster, it caused her too much pain. The therapist told her not to worry about it because once she gets the lighter plaster on she could try again" he paused and took another drink.
"Well, as you can guess Sara insisted on trying again and again and again. In the end the therapist told her that if she wasn't going to listen to her then she might as well not bother to attend any more sessions."
Jim grimaced and took a drink himself, he knew that Sara sometimes just didn't know when to give in and could imagine the reaction the ultimatum from the therapist had caused.
"Well that explains it a bit, but what did you do?" he waved his hand at Grissom, knowing that the therapist wasn't the entire problem. "There's more to it than that isn't there?"
"Yeah" Grissom downed the rest of his drink. "I tried to get her to listen to reason, but she didn't want to listen to anyone. I may have called her stubborn and infuriating…." He watched Brass roll his eyes and mutter something under his breath.
"I know, I'm an idiot, but God Jim she was in so much pain and she just wouldn't give in. She was going to cause more damage to that shoulder all because she was too stubborn to admit that it was harder than she thought it was going to be." Grissom rubbed his eyes and ran his hand through his hair in frustration.
"I want her to get better Jim" he continued. "Not hurt herself; but she won't listen."
Watching his friend struggle with his emotions Jim took another sip of his drink. "If there is one thing I have learned about Sara in the time that I've known her is that you do not tell her that she cannot do something. It's like…" he searched for the right words. "It's like waving a red rag at a bull. She just loves to prove people wrong and we've seen in the past that it's not always a bad thing."
Grissom nodded, that much he too knew.
"Look at it from her perspective Gil. Not only is she having to come to terms with the fact that she nearly died, which I'm not sure she has done yet; but she has gone from a completely independent woman who didn't need any help from anyone either personally or professionally to one who cannot even complete the tasks of everyday living without help."
"Now I know that's gotta be as frustrating as all hell. Now she can't do the one thing she thought would give her back her independence. Ok, so maybe her expectations are a little high, we see that, but obviously she doesn't." Jim looked at his friend to see if he understood.
Grissom understood what Jim was saying; it made a lot of sense. He looked at the man beside him and hoped that he had the answer too because he suddenly felt very, very tired.
"I understand Jim. I think I knew that all along, but today…" he drew in a big breath and sighed it out. "Today, all I could see was the woman I love in pain and I…. when I couldn't stop her from making it worse, or help her make it better I…..well….l…. I guess I messed up again didn't I?"
Looking his friend over, Jim could feel the tiredness coming off the man in waves.
"You know Gil, Sara's not the only one that needs to heal. Yeah, I know, she's the one with the physical, visible wounds, but what about you? This has been tough on all of us, but especially tough on you. You need to let yourself heal as well. Don't beat yourself up over this. Talk to her, tell her how it makes you feel to see her like she was today" he finished his drink and rose to get them both another.
"Yeah, maybe….Oh….I don't know Jim." Grissom stood and grabbed his jacket from the chair by the door. "I think….I think I'm just gonna go for a walk….I need…." He sighed heavily not finishing his sentence and closed the door to the apartment quietly behind him.
--
Jim Brass looked at the closed front door and then at the closed door to the bedroom as he tried to decide what to do. Should he leave them to talk it out; 'like that's gonna happen any time soon', or should he talk to Sara.
Another Scotch and Jim had made his decision.
With a gentle knock on the bedroom door he opened it and peered into the room.
Sara lay curled up on her good side, clutching a pillow to her, at first he thought she was asleep, but then he heard the soft sniffling sounds she was making into the pillow and he moved to sit on the edge of the bed facing her.
"Go away" there was no anger in Sara's voice, just defeat and Jim's heart almost broke….again.
"Not happening sweetheart" he told her gently but firmly. "I know you feel like shit. I know you are angry and frustrated, and I understand where you are coming from but you need to listen to what I have to say. Ok?"
He watched as Sara nodded into the pillow.
"First of all you need to know that I love you like a daughter and as a father I will do everything in my power to protect and help you whether you like it or not, but as a father sometimes that's just not enough. You also need to know that Gil is my friend and because I want to help you both I am going to tell you a story."
Sara turned her face from the pillow to look up and the slightly puzzled expression on her face did not go unmissed by him.
"Some of this you may know already but there's probably a lot you haven't heard before." Brass took a deep breath before ploughing headlong into his story.
"When you left Las Vegas it came as a shock to everyone and we were all rather upset that things had got to the point where you felt that the only solution was to leave. It took a long time for us all to come to terms with that and everyone, including me, blamed Grissom." He paused for a second when Sara took in a sharp breath (that bit she obviously hadn't heard).
"Gil worked himself into the ground. He reverted to the old Grissom way of shutting us out and after a few tries to reach out, well I guess we all gave up on him, coz there was no penetrating the wall that he built up around himself." Jim looked directly at Sara, her eyes now moist and her brow furrowed.
"When he ended up in hospital, it was a wake up call and it almost came too late; not only to him, but to us as well. Maybe if we had tried harder to understand what was going on, we could have prevented it getting as bad as it did, but you know the old saying "twenty-twenty vision in hind sight".
"When he was well enough, he worked alone and from home until a case from the FBI in Washington landed on his desk." Jim looked at Sara and saw the glimmer of understanding in her eyes.
"I think it was about then he began to interact with everyone again, but he never regained the passion that he once had for his job, the fire was gone and I think out of everything that happened, that was one of the saddest things to see. We all accepted his decision to retire, some better than others and life began to return to some semblance of normality."
By now, Sara was lying on her back watching as he told his tale, most of it she knew, but Jim's perspective was a little more enlightening than Grissom's or even Nick, Warrick and Greg's had been, and she felt a twinge of guilt as she listened, realising that was probably Jims' plan all along.
"You know he never actually told us that you and him were trying to work things out, although there were signs. He blew up at Catherine for not telling him that she knew where you were sending her into damage control mode. He knew you were in touch with the boys, I guess he figured they wouldn't let you cut them out of your life like you had him, but he never once pressured them."
"When Catherine got the call about your accident she went to tell him herself and by the time I got there he was a total mess. I have to tell you Sara, in all the years I have know that man I have never seen him like that. He was broken; there is no other way to describe it. We got him a flight, put him on the plane and the rest, well you know the rest."
Sara nodded; she thought she knew where this was all leading.
"He had to deal with not only the fact that you were critically injured and were thousands of miles away, but that it would be his decision that would determine what happened to you once he got here." Jim sighed and ran his hand over his face wearily. "Sara you know how much he cares for you and that ring on your finger is a pretty good indication that he is serious. It hurts him to see you like this, you have to know that. You need to heal physically and that's going to take time, but you both need to heal up here" he tapped his head. "And here" he tapped his chest indicating his heart, "before that can happen. You can only do that by coming to terms with what happened and the best way to do that is to talk to one another."
He patted the now tearful Sara on the arm and stood to leave, but stopped when Sara took hold of his arm.
"Thankyou, I think" she spoke softly, her voice trembling. "You ah….I knew things were bad, I guess…. I guess we need to have that talk pretty soon eh?" Sara took a deep breath. "When you go back out there can you ask him to come in here?"
Jim just nodded. "He ah….he went for a walk, I'll send him in when he gets back ok?"
Sara didn't reply, just hugged the pillow tighter as Jim left her, closing the door behind him.
--
It was almost dark when Grissom returned from his walk having already decided that he and Sara really needed to talk. Jim told him she was waiting for him; that they had talked, but would not reveal what they had talked about so he decided to make them both a cup of coffee before he went into her.
Mugs in hand, he opened the bedroom door as quietly, not wanting to startle her. She appeared to be asleep, lying on her side with her legs curled up and on top of the covers; he hoped she wasn't cold. Setting the mugs down on the nightstand next to her, he softly sat on the edge of the bed.
As he gently rubbed her back, she stirred, turning towards him and moving onto her back.
Grissom could see that she had been crying, 'probably cried herself to sleep' he thought as he brushed the hair from her face, as her eyes opened. Tired brown eyes looked straight into tired blue ones and he couldn't help a small smile.
Sara however did not return his smile and his heart clenched instantly as he saw her eyes fill with unshed tears. This was so not the Sara Sidle he knew and it bothered him terribly.
Reaching out her hand for his, she held onto it tightly and he returned the squeeze.
"Sara….."
"Gil…."
They both spoke at once and Grissom shook his head. "I'm worried about you Sara" he jumped in, not waiting to see what she had to say.
"Today…. That was not like you. Talk to me honey" he stared into her eyes, watching as a myriad of emotions flitted across her face and reflected in her eyes. "Please?"
Sara dropped her eyes to look at their linked hands, she wanted to tell him, but she wasn't sure how to start.
Grissom didn't push her, just held tightly to her hand and waited, he could be patient.
Taking a deep breath that she let out slowly and loudly, Sara raised her eyes to his. She was surprised when she saw not sympathy or anger reflected in his eyes, but only love and understanding. Guilt over her behaviour towards him earlier swept over her and she felt the tears building again because of it.
Grissom watched her eyes fill, and was about to reach for her when he saw the slight stiffening of her shoulders as she tried to regain control of her emotions.
"I want to explain something to you" she gestured for him to sit with her on the bed, and as he did she continued.
"First, I need to apologise for earlier, please believe me when I say it was not you, I was not really angry at you and I should not have lashed out at you like that" she looked at him, offering a small smile. "Forgive me?"
Grissom nodded and placed a gentle kiss on her lips.
"When I was a child, the frequent trips to hospital were not always for my mom, enough of them were for me that I learnt very quickly to hate hospitals and everything associated with them" she looked at their hands, not looking at him., she knew what his reaction to her words would be if she looked at him." By the time….well lets just say that I developed a coping mechanism for all those visits."
Grissom's mouth twitched, he had a pretty good idea that shutting down and not listening to anything was Sara's method of coping, but he was not about to say that.
"That…. ah….coping mechanism might have been ok when I was a child, but it isn't very appropriate now and I guess I only realised that today. Pretty stupid huh?" She looked at him then and gave him a tense smile before continuing.
"When I was in hospital, I never really thought much about my injuries you know? Yeah, Dr Lucas explained it all and everyone kept telling me how lucky I was, but I guess I just….I don't know….I guess I never put it into any sort of context. It was almost like I was an observer, not the one it happened to. I never really gave any thought to what it all meant, it didn't matter that I couldn't do things for myself, because that wasn't going to be a problem when I got home, because it never was in the past" Sara stopped talking and looked at Grissom, who had not spoken during her little confession, much to her surprise.
Giving her hand another reassuring squeeze, Grissom just nodded for her to continue.
"Today, when I was throwing my tantrum…." she watched as Grissom fought the urge to grin. "Yes I know it was a tantrum, I did behave like a child, but she was treating me like one and you weren't helping" she snapped and immediately regretted saying it as she saw Grissom stiffen and it was her turn to give his hand a reassuring squeeze.
"Today, when she was said that I needed to take things slowly and that even though there were no significant physical disabilities left by my head injuries there could be smaller deficits that might be picked up as time went on, well….I ….she started me thinking and….well that's something that I hadn't done and I reacted badly." Sara held tightly to his hand and looked him in the eyes.
"I didn't think about it, because I didn't want to. I have never let myself be held back by injuries before, not as a child and certainly not as an adult, no matter how much they hurt. But today, I realised that it had nothing to do with whether or not I was going to let it hold me back, it was entirely about the fact that…. that this time I have no choice. I hate that I have not real control over this."
"No-one likes not having a choice Sara, especially when it comes down to what we can or cannot do" Grissom pulled Sara to him and held her in a gentle embrace. "You are one of the most independent women I know Sara. No-0ne has ever doubted your strength or determination, least of all me, but whilst they are admirable traits to possess, they can be equally damning at times."
"I agree that I could have handled things a little better today" he paused as he felt Sara grin against his chest. "Ok, a lot better. I have to admit that I wondered just how much you were taking in while you were in hospital, but I thought that maybe it was because of your injuries, not because you were deliberately choosing not to hear things."
Sara stiffened in his arms, but he just pulled her in tighter and ran his hands up and down her back.
"I know that your independence is important to you, and it is one of the things that attracted me to you in the first place, but you have to understand that there is a difference between being independent and being stubborn" Grissom waited for a reaction to his words and when he didn't get one, he continued.
"I love you so very much and I…. there is nothing I want more than to see you back to your old self, but…."he pulled away from her a little and tilted her face to his. "But I will never stand by quietly and watch you suffer in any way when it can be avoided. I hated seeing you in so much pain today. Know that I will never hold you back from trying to achieve your goals, but I will not watch you knowingly harm yourself."
Sara watched his face as he spoke and heard the pain in his voice and saw the hurt in his eyes.
It hurt Sara to see him like that, she knew that he had been upset today, but this was something more than that. The pain and hurt she saw was deeper than just today and her eyes widened in realisation that what Jim had said had been right.
Leaning up, she placed a gentle kiss on his lips and as he responded moved to deepen the contact. The kisses became desperate as they each tried to give and take comfort from the other. Eventually they became soft and gentle once more and tapered off to soft touches of lips as they clung to one another.
Sara pulled back from the embrace and stared into his eyes, reaching up to stroke his cheek with her palm, feeling him lean into it.
"Tell me about that day" she whispered.
Grissom shook his head, knowing she meant the day of the accident but not wanting to relive the moment his world had cracked and almost shattered.
"Please?" she held his face between her hands and glided her lips over his in a gesture of comfort.
He stiffened a little, and Sara put her arms around him as best she could and rested her head against his chest, holding him til he relaxed a little.
"What do you want to know?" his voice was muffled by her hair, as he rested against her.
"Everything" her reply was equally muffled by his chest.
She felt him sigh as his arms came around her and as she listened to him tell her what Rod had told him, her tears fell. He could feel her tears, wet through his shirt, and held her as she sobbed when he told her of the death of Adam Walker and his part in saving her life. He told her how he had fallen apart when Catherine had brought him the news and how it was her and Brass that got him to Washington. He told her how fearful he was that he would have to make a decision that would ultimately take her from him for ever. Now it was her turn to hold him as she felt his tears fall.
When he had finished and their tears had dried, they continued to hold each other, exhausted by the emotions of not only the telling of the story, but of earlier in the day as well.
Neither of them remembered laying down on the bed, nor falling asleep, but when Brass woke them for dinner a few hours later, they each felt as though a great weight had been lifted from their shoulders.
As he set the table for dinner, allowing both Sara and Grissom to freshen up, Brass thought about the sight that had greeted him in the bedroom. The tear streaked faces and tight embrace, evidence that the sleeping pair had finally talked about the accident filled him with both sorrow and happiness; maybe now they could all heal and get on with their lives.
