CHAPTER TWENTY SIX:
January 8, 1986
Dear Melissa,
Is it just by blind faith or this so-called undisputed love that I am still writing to you even if I know that you will never reply to my letters? It has been over a year since I left Wales behind to explore this new life, to save myself or you, here in the land of opportunities. Yet, you have never replied to even one of my monthly letters - not even once, Melissa! It has been a year and I don't know how you, Nana, Charles, Bill, and your baby are!
This wasn't really part of the deal when you told me to swear on Mother's grave, was it? This was just all about the money, wasn't it? So that you, in some form or another, could still declare that you hold responsibility over me, right? Is this only about Mother?
Oh God. What am I writing?
Who am I to accuse you of doing this only for Mother when all the while, I have only been doing this for Mother, too. If I had the ability to erase all my past, you know that in an instant I'd never would have known you. I'd never be who I am today and I'd never be what I am now. I'd do this in a heartbeat, even if it means giving up my one true love: dancing.
This is also an unconscious decision: even if I willed myself to try to stop loving you blokes years ago, I can't. There's this hidden part within my heart alarmingly misses you all with every minute I dance my arse off here. Sometimes, I even understand why I still love you, despite all the hate there is.
You DO mean a lot to me, Melissa. You are family. God knows that I have started praying again ever since I left my own bedroom and was on that bloody plane bound for Los Angeles. I love you. I shouldn't – I have every goddamn reason on this planet for me not to – but I do.
Mr. Mulder once told me that he believed in "undisputed" love, that there are many reasons for it to thrive, to survive. It made me think about what I still feel for you.
I came here to America to escape, to dance, and to live again. Now that I have gotten my chance, now that I feel that I do have the right to survive in this world, I wonder whether I deserve it. With everything that I have done and that's happened to me, do I really deserve this?
I've stopped talking to God years ago. I've stopped praying, I've stopped practicing our religion when my world fell apart. He has given me too much, together with the pain and sufferings, without taking anything else for Himself. So I gave Him what I can. I gave Him back the pain and sufferings.
I am not sure if I deserve this second chance. I am not sure whether I should take it or ignore it. I hear Him calling … in my heart.
And when I hear that I call, I know that this is really meant for me. I may not deserve it, but it is meant for me.
So I continue dancing for this second chance and not for the past anymore. And I must keep on dancing. Because he's there – Fox Mulder – he's there and he's a big part of this second chance. Sometimes, I think he's the reason why I feel that I do deserve this. Sometimes, I feel that he's the reason why I want to feel that I do deserve this.
Yet, in a month, I'll be losing him. I'm so afraid, Melissa. This fear is so intense it can kill me. I don't want to lose him. He's the only one I have … he's the only one I want to have.
Mama, helpu fi rhydd i teimlad er ef. Helpu fi rhydd i cariad er ef. Rhyw ffordd hynn ffordd, fi ewyllys cael ycyfle ar cynnal ef.
Signed,
Dana
END OF CHAPTER TWENTY SIX
