New chapter, thanks to new interest in the story. This is just all sorts of depressing and frustrating, jsut so you've been warned.

xxx

Something was wrong.

It was obvious from the sudden tight look on Seth's face, the set of his shoulders.

Spencer's body immediately reacted with a stress response, mirroring Seth's shift in mood without being able to help it. "What's wrong?" he asked, alarmed.

A minute ago they'd been fine, exhausted but relaxed, just having a drink in some random bar in some random city. He didn't know what day it was exactly –he rarely did now-but it had been a good one so far –not even the people around him had bothered him too much, or made him nervous the way it usually was. He'd been happy to just zone out for a while, drowsy and warm, safe in the knowledge that Seth was there with him, keeping an eye on him, that even if he were to drink too much he'd just wake up in their motel room the next morning without repercussions.

Now though, something had suddenly changed, shifted, without him noticing until it was too late. He watched Seth adjust his position almost mechanically, a hand sliding into his suit jacket where he kept his knife as he stared over his shoulder at the bar.

"Seth?"

Something about the older man's expression had all sorts of alarm bells ringing in his head. And it wasn't made better when Seth suddenly got up, telling him to stay put and wait for him. Spencer's heart clenched, then started beating uncomfortably fast as he stared after him on his way out of the bar.

What-?

He never did that, never just left him alone…especially not in crowed places, or places where they didn't know anyone else… Spencer felt anxiety rise within him. Something was definitely wrong. Danger.

It had to be…Seth's expression….it was the only thing that he could think of that would make Seth tell him to stay here instead of coming with him. But if there was danger…

He was out of his seat almost before he'd finished that thought. It didn't matter that he knew that Seth was very well capable of handling himself, that he wouldn't need help or even if he did Spencer wouldn't be the one able to give it. He had to follow him, make sure he'd be alright-

His feet weren't listening to his brain, carrying him out of the bar in a sprint. Outside he stopped, and stared into the empty and dark street. He bit his lip anxiously, looking around. Where was he…?

Before he had to make a random decision which direction to go in, there was a sound nearby. It came from a dark alley to his right. Spencer jumped, startled, feeling every fiber of his body rebel….against the dark, the risk of this, of being alone out here….these days, a shadow in the motel room could make him have a panic attack. It was the reason Seth never left him…never would have left unless it was something really bad.

His fear for Seth winning out over his own fear, he didn't walk back inside. He had to see where Seth was, if he was okay…the thought of him getting in trouble, getting hurt, it made Spencer sick to his stomach. He hurried towards the alley, rounded the corner –and felt his heart drop at the sight he was being presented with. Seth, pinning a stranger to the wall by his neck, with his back turned to him.

The strange man's face was a grimace of shock and pain as he grunted and flailed under Seth's grip…something glinted in the dark between their bodies, metal, silver in the moonlight before black liquid began to taint it…

Blood. Spencer felt shock go through him like a flash of ice. Stabbing…Seth was-

The man coughed, dark liquid also spilling from his lips; he was gasping for air, drowning, Spencer realized. In his blood.

He was frozen, frozen even as horror began slowly sinking in as he stared at the dying man, then at Seth, his- 'Seth', his face so hard and cold, his hand so brutally unrelenting as he squeezed the man's windpipe shut, keeping him from crying out while he slowly pulled the knife out of his chest –out of his heart- letting more blood spurt over both of them.

There wasn't the slightest trace of hesitation in Seth's movement or expression, just cold determination. Spencer stared, his brain unable to combine the image in front of him with the image he had of Seth, of soft eyes and warm hands…hands that held him at night, keeping him safe, and that were now stained with blood…

He must have made a sound, because suddenly Seth's head snapped up and he spun around, dropping the other man's body and bringing the bloody knife in front of him. For a second, his expression was feral, just deadly, devoid of anything human-

Spencer cringed, instinct making stumble back a step. Fear flashed inside of him, belatedly, finally, terror that hadn't been there seconds ago but that was suddenly all-enveloping, so raw, so sharp that it took his breath away. 'Blood, all that blood on his hands…dead eyes, hungry eyes…snarling, screaming, Seth-No…nononono-'

He could hear screaming in his head, so loud that it made him want to clamp his hands over his ears. But he couldn't move, still frozen in place as red slowly began to tint his vision. Through the haze, he saw Seth's expression morphing into utter shock and dismay.

"Spencer."

His voice shook Spencer up, sending another jolt through him. Seth. Seth. He wanted to call out for him, reach out…Seth…he needed him, needed him so save him from the rising tide of his own mind bombarding him with mental images and sounds….to save him from the panic threatening to consume him- But-

He stared at the dead man, at Seth, at the knife in his hand like it was just some movie…some unrealistic horror movie that had managed to scare him anyway…Seth had just killed someone in cold blood, right before his eyes…no. He wanted to scream. No, Seth, he needed Seth to save him…to be his safe place…

'Murderer!'

An image, dark and bright, flashed before his eyes, shaking him like a scream right next to his ear, making him flinch. Something, something terrible and dark surged in the back of his mind…rising from where it had been buried…

'Cold, emotionless eyes, a voice that made his blood freeze in fear-' Suddenly, it seemed like a multitude of sounds and impressions was raining down on him, hitting him all at once, blinding him, taking his breath away until he thought he would faint-

Terror, bone-deep and unshakable, crawled up on him, touching him with cold tendrils, wrapping around his chest, his throat-

"Spencer." Seth's voice was suddenly much closer, right in front of him.

His head snapped up and he met the older man's wide eyes, sure that everything he felt was reflected clearly in his expression.

"Seth-" A choked whimper escaped him. He wanted, needed, to collapse into Seth's arms, to seek his escape, but he couldn't move an inch towards the man, still frozen in spot. He stared at his bloodied collar, then the knife again, shaking his head desperately. He could feel tears burning in his eyes. No, nonono-

He barely registered it when Seth dropped the knife to the ground, hastily wiping his hands on his clothes, a panicked expression still on his face. It was only when the man's hands closed around the sides of his face, his neck, that he came to, flinching back at the sudden contact.

Seth's grip tightened, not letting him go, and Spencer felt a sob escape him, staring up at the man, pleading, desperate…this couldn't be happening….'-stop. Make it stop…God, please, I can't take it-'

"Seth-" He stared at his lover pleading, praying for him to say or do something to make this go away, to make it alright, to make this stop…but he knew there wasn't anything, not this time- The hands –bloodied- on his face kept stroking his cheeks, his hair, in attempt to soothe, all the while shaking and dirtied.

"Spencer….Spencer…fuck- it's okay, it's okay, baby- look at me, you're okay-"

Seth kept repeating his name, in a tone that he thought was probably heart wrenching…he heard it as though through cotton, drowned out by his racing heart pumping blood through his ears. It wasn't the shock of this alone he knew…he'd known Seth wasn't a good person…The way he was reacting, a full-blown panic attack, the flashbacks…this had

triggered….something- His vision was still filling with red where the black spots weren't. He couldn't stop it. 'The flash of a knife…blood all over his hands…black eyes that weren't Seth's….another man's eyes filled with terror and pain, staring at him as blood filled his vision… "Reid…tell…tell Hayley-'"

He gasped. The images had him swaying, his legs feeling like they might buckle underneath him. Seth's grip on him tightened, his impossibly strong hands moving to grab him under one arm and around the waist. Seth pulled him in more tightly, running his fingers through his hair. "It's okay…it's okay-"

His voice was fading, the cold, the world around him fading. He blinked, images tearing through the red, dark…a tunnel….tiles…a bathroom…water hitting his face, running down his cheeks like hot tears… there were arms holding him up, running over his shoulders. Someone yelling his name. He blinked again, catching the sight of reddened water vanishing in the drain beneath his feet. Blood, blood, blood. His blood. Their blood. Staining him, marking him. Their deaths on him-

He gasped, his head snapping up to find black eyes staring into his. Seth. Two images melted into one in front of his inner eye, the newfound memory combining with the real man in front of him. He looked at him, suddenly completely lucid, and saw, actually 'saw' Seth, for the first time in weeks.