Chapter 29

"Ianto?"

Ianto looked up suddenly to find Tosh standing in front of him. "Mind if I join you?" she asked, giving him a tentative smile.

Ianto shook his head and gestured at the step next to him. Tosh sat down hesitantly beside him. They were sitting on the large steps at the edge of the Oval Basin. Tosh gazed out across the large expanse, her eyes resting for a moment on the shimmering water tower stretching up into the sky in the distance. She'd seen Jack and Ianto sitting together having lunch at this exact spot on more than one occasion.

She shivered as she turned to look at her friend, and studied him with concern. It was a typically cold and grey day for December, but Ianto appeared to be oblivious. He was staring into the distance, seeming to be lost in thought, his eyes glazed and unfocused.

"How are you, Ianto?" Tosh asked gently.

"I'm fine, Tosh," he answered without looking at her.

"You look like hell," she observed.

"Cheers," he replied sardonically.

"I spoke to Jack last night," she said quietly. "He asked about you."

Ianto turned and looked at her sharply. "What did you say?"

Tosh met his probing gaze. "I told him you're a mess and that you're completely miserable," she replied without hesitation.

A flash of anger passed across Ianto's features. "You shouldn't have said that," he retorted before turning away again.

Tosh shook her head. "I'm not going to lie for you," she said firmly. "He's just worried about you. We all are."

"I'm fine," Ianto reiterated.

Tosh sighed in exasperation and looked at him sadly. "Well, Jack doesn't seem to be. He's heartbroken. And it looks like you are too."

Ianto's shoulders slumped and he stared down at the ground. "He's better off without me," he said eventually, stealing a glance at her before looking off into the distance again. "He'll forget about me soon enough."

"Isn't that for him to decide?" Tosh argued. "You mean the world to him, Ianto. How could he ever forget you?"

Ianto shrugged nonchalantly. "It's over. It was going to happen sooner or later. It's for the best, Tosh."

Silence settled between them. Tosh looked conflicted but after a moment, she reached out and touched Ianto's arm. "Ianto, you can't compare Jack with Lisa."

"What do you mean?" he asked with a frown as he turned to gaze at her.

"I didn't know Lisa very well, and you might hate me for saying this, but I don't think she was right for you. I'm not saying that she didn't love you, I'm sure she did…" She paused for a moment before continuing. "But it just seemed like you were trying so hard to be what you thought she wanted. The times I saw the two of you together, it was obvious that you worshipped her, but it didn't seem like she felt the same way about you…"

Ianto continued to look at her impassively.

"I think that maybe you lost yourself in trying to be perfect for her," she started again hesitantly. "I don't know… if things had been different, maybe you could have built a life together and been very happy, but then maybe it never would have worked out. Perhaps you were clinging to a dream that never could have become a reality."

Ianto remained silent but looked at her doubtfully.

She shrugged slightly. "Sometimes I think we just get so caught up in our dreams, we can't see things for how they really are."

"Maybe," Ianto allowed. "I'm not sure what to think anymore." He shrugged again. "It doesn't matter now."

Tosh continued on undeterred. "But Jack isn't like that," she said insistently. "He wouldn't ever want you to be anything except yourself. I can't imagine him letting you lose yourself like that. And when I think about the two of you together… you just seem to fit. You balance each other out, and bring out the best in each other."

Ianto sighed deeply, but a weak attempt at a smile passed across his lips. "Well, he needed someone to put him in his place."

"He's good for you, Ianto," Tosh pressed. "You've been so much happier since he came into your life. You've been more like how you used to be."

An expression of anguish passed over Ianto's face. "I liked being with him. He always made me feel… I don't know… like I mattered, I suppose. It was nice to feel…" his voice drifted off uncertainly.

"Loved?" Tosh suggested.

Ianto frowned but then he nodded miserably.

Tosh huffed with frustration. "Ianto… just don't make a decision that you'll regret for the rest of your life." She softened her voice. "If there's even a chance, isn't it better to take the risk? At least then you'll know you've tried. You can make peace with that. But never taking the chance… no matter how uncertain or terrifying it is… surely that has to be worse? To always wonder what might have been?"

She paused and looked off into the distance thoughtfully. "I think… well life can be hard enough without being weighed down by regrets that we could have avoided."

"Perhaps," Ianto acknowledged. He closed his eyes for a moment and then opening them again, breathed out unevenly. "I don't know… I seem to lose everyone I care about, Tosh. I couldn't face losing anyone else."

"But now you have lost someone else," Tosh said gently. "Maybe you've lost the one person you couldn't afford to lose." She rested her hand on Ianto's arm again. "Maybe it's time to try to let go of the past and the fear, and break the cycle."

Ianto looked at her thoughtfully but didn't respond.

Tosh leaned in and pressed a kiss to his cheek. "I hate to see you hurting like this. You deserve to be happy. You've still got a chance, Ianto. Don't throw it away."

Ianto looked at her again with a pained expression, but then seemed to draw into himself as he turned away again.

She stood up with a small sigh and looked down at Ianto once more. "I'll see you back at work," she said before reluctantly walking off and leaving Ianto to his thoughts.


"You want my advice, mate?" Owen asked as he drank greedily from his pint of beer.

"No," Ianto mumbled in reply as he stared forlornly down into his own glass.

It was early evening. Owen and Ianto were tucked away in their usual corner of their favourite pub. Owen had turned up at the Torchwood offices unannounced and dragged a protesting Ianto out of the building, insisting that they both needed a drink. After speaking with Tosh on the phone the day before, and hearing how concerned she was, Owen was determined to give the Welshman a thorough talking to.

"Yeah, well… tough. You're gonna get it anyway." Owen paused as he gulped down another mouthful of beer. "You're a fucking idiot."

Ianto looked up abruptly and glared at Owen. "Thanks," he said sarcastically before looking back down again.

Owen shrugged unapologetically. "Somebody's gotta tell you the truth. I don't get it, mate. You could be over in Yankee land right now with Jack Flash having the time of your bloody life."

"It's not that simple, Owen," Ianto said with a deep sigh. "You know that. Anyway, you were the one who told me he's a player and not to get attached." He raised an eyebrow at Owen and stared at him defiantly.

Owen managed to look contrite. "Yeah, I know. And I was wrong, okay?"

Ianto looked at Owen with astonishment. "Is the world ending today? I must have missed that on the news this morning."

"Hilarious," Owen retorted. "Even brilliant doctors like me can be wrong sometimes. Doesn't happen often though, so don't get used to it."

Ianto raised his glass to his lips. "What if you weren't wrong about him?"

"You know him better than the rest of us," Owen replied, scrutinising the other man carefully. "What do you think?"

Ianto shrugged. "Dunno."

"Even if he used to be a player, maybe he isn't anymore. We all have to grow up sooner or later." Owen paused. "I've told you how I used to be. But then I met Katie. Maybe, he's like me… he just had to meet the right person."

"And I'm the right person?" Ianto scoffed.

"He seems to think so, mate," Owen answered sincerely. "I talked to him a bit while he was in the hospital. And you were right, he's a good bloke. And the stupid sod is head over heels about you. Even I could see that."

Ianto shook his head. "I never wanted that," he mumbled. "It was never meant to be serious."

"So, is that the problem?" Owen pressed. "You don't feel the same way about him?"

Ianto's expression twisted with pain. "Maybe."

Owen's features softened for an instant, but then he looked hard into the other man's eyes. "Ianto, I'm only gonna tell you this because you're a good mate," he stated emphatically. "You're full of crap."

"What?" Ianto exclaimed, his eyes narrowing.

"You heard me," Owen retorted derisively. "I saw how you were when he was in the coma. We could barely drag you away from his bedside. I saw the way you looked at him, how you talked to him. You're kidding yourself if you think you're not in love with the bastard."

Ianto looked at Owen in horror. Then he shook his head decisively. "Even if I were, what does it matter? I loved Lisa… look how that ended up."

"This isn't about Lisa," Owen said evenly. "It's about Jack."

"That's what Tosh said," Ianto muttered.

"Tosh is a wise woman. You should listen to her." Owen lowered his voice. "Look, mate, you can't go through life comparing everyone you're with to Lisa."

Ianto just looked away and shrugged.

"Well, maybe Jack's not so special after all," Owen continued, his tone turning contemptuous. "Maybe I was right and he's just a smarmy tosser who's good in the sack. You've had your fun. You should be glad to be rid of him."

Ianto froze and glared at Owen darkly. "He's still my friend, Owen," he ground out. "And for the record, he is special. He's probably the best person I've ever known."

Owen held his gaze. "Better than Lisa?"

"Yes," Ianto immediately snapped in reply.

Owen just continued to stare at Ianto, his mouth twisting into a knowing smile.

"Fuck," Ianto whispered, reaching his hand up and rubbing the back of his neck distractedly.

"I told you something else too during our last chat about this," Owen added persistently.

"What's that?" Ianto mumbled, looking somewhat shell-shocked.

"I told you that it's time to move on," Owen replied carefully, but his tone was adamant. "You're stuck, Ianto. You can't see a way forward. What if Jack's the person you need to help you get unstuck?"

Ianto closed his eyes for a long moment. Opening them again, he looked at Owen fearfully. "I'm scared, Owen," he whispered. "I'm bloody terrified."

"I know, mate," Owen said with uncharacteristic gentleness. "But maybe that's a good thing. Maybe that means you and Jack are the real deal."

Ianto scrubbed his hand over his face. He was silent for a long time, staring distractedly at his now empty glass. Owen watched him carefully, allowing Ianto time to think. Finally, Ianto broke the silence and looked up at Owen apprehensively. "What if it's too late?" he murmured.

Owen gave him a reassuring smile. "There's only one way to find out."