August 8

Weight: 10 st 4 (gah)

Height: 5 ft 5

Calories: 2000 (not ideal)

Drinks: 1 (v. bad)

Coffees: 5 (necessity of working for top notch newspaper)

Letters received: 30 (!)

Time spent meditating: ½ hour

Lustful thoughts for Sirius: 100 (approx)

Love for Polly: Huge (hehe)

Money: 4 galleons


8.30am- Aghhh! Just woke up! Start work in half an hour. Must hurry up…

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9am- Okay. Made it. Helen Asteria is not here in meeting. I hope she is okay?

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10am- Turns out she is. She's taken the week off. Seems like Sirius' visit may have been good for her after all. Rumour is that she stormed into Jole's office, demanded he hire another two editors and a PA, and that he give her this week off…. Or else she'd quit for good. He was so shocked that apparently he complied. Am v proud of Helen Asteria.

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10.01am- Am also v. proud of myself, for managing to transform workplace so drastically during my first week here. I am a wonderful person. Hehe

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11am- Or….not. Apparently some people think my advice of 'dumping a cheating boyfriend' is 'insensitive and unrealistic'. Oh dear… how come I'm receiving hate mail?

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11.10am- Okay… phew. At least the others are either thank you's, or questions. I have 20 new questions. Eek! May keep the ones I don't answer now, for next week when I start doing this on a daily basis. Okay! Had better get to work…

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11.20am- Will get coffee first. Mmm, I must say, the new editor Jole has hired is quite cute. I wonder if he's Julie's replacement and if I'll be assigned to work with him?

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1pm- Lunch break! Agh. Haven't really responded to any questions. Was too pissed off at one girl's letter- she has two guys in love with her, but doesn't know which one to choose.

WHAT. A. BRAT

How come she gets TWO guys, when I can't even manage to find ONE normal person who will love me and want to shag me?

Fuck. This is a depressing job.

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3pm- Okay, have to make a decision on questions pronto, as also need to have them reviewed today, as won't be coming in on Thursday. Eek! Okay, will just pick three out randomly.

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3.01pm- Hmph. Picked out bratty girl's question. Okay, fine. Will answer it- and tell her off for being so heartless as to steal TWO men, when there are hardly enough to go around as is.

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6pm- Gah. Am still here. Apparently the new editor- hmph- says I can't tell brat girl off for having 2 men at once, and I need to reword my response. He seems to think that my advising her to 'be more sensitive to her singleton sisters' is inappropriate.

Do not want to. I was being honest! She's selfish! Obviously her mother never taught her to share.

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6.01pm- I don't think my mother taught me to share, come to think of it. I just think it's something I naturally learnt. Hmm

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7pm- Fine. Caved in and wrote what editor- Tim- wanted to read. Feel like a cop out. I'm sure Helen Asteria would have published what I originally wrote, under the pretence of it being 'raw', 'cutting edge' and 'true'. I miss her.

Oh well… that was an easy day's work for the week! Aghhhh weddings start tomorrow. Gah.

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8pm- Am going to Sirius' now, to organise this wedding business. We have 2 rehearsal dinners tomorrow, and then the 2 weddings on Wednesday. Jamie wrote back today, saying he's arriving on Weds morning at my flat.

I'm so stressed about this! Apparently mum and Shirley want my updo to be on different sides of my head.

WELL THEY CAN JUST DEAL WITH IT. I will put my bun in the middle. Hah. That way, neither of them win.

Okay, off to Sirius' now.

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9pm- Sirius' bathroom- Sirius broke up with Polly! I'm so happy hehehe.

Actually, is wrong for me to be happy. But I don't care… she wasn't v nice anyway. He could do better….

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11pm- My place. It is decided Sirius will stay here tonight as is easier because wedding preparations will start early tomorrow.

Maybe I'll shrink my bed…

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1am- Am unshrinking bed. Sirius just pushed me off. AGAIN. He is a v. selfish sleeper. Dislike him v much.

Also, why can't he just wake up, realise we he loves me, and shag me?

IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK?

This whole thing is getting ridiculous. He's single, I'm single, we're friends… what's the bloody problem?

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1.10am- Maybe I'll just pretend to be sleeping and roll onto him…

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2am- Gah! Was disastrous! He woke up and pushed me off so suddenly that I fell off my bed. Again.

This is beginning to be some kind of ridiculous joke. He and I are completely incompatible to sleep with each other.

And by sleep I mean zzz'ing, not xxx-ing. I personally believe we are extremely compatible to xxx with each other. Hehe

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4am- Oh bollocks. I'm sleeping on the couch. He is sprawled ALL OVER MY BED. But first… hehehe


August 9

Weight: 10 st 3 (excellent!)

Height: 5 ft 5

Calories: Not counting today

Drinks: Am exempt

Lustful thoughts for Sirius: Too many to count

Money: 4 galleons (v. good)

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10am- HAHA. Sirius just woke up and discovered the 'SS' I had written on his forehead while he slept. Sirius and Lily are saying I need to stop pretending am friends with members of the Nazi party.

I tried explaining that the 'S.S' stood for Selfish Sleeper, but Sirius disappeared to our bathroom before could explain properly. He's worried the lipstick will have 'ruined' his 'perfect skin'.

That boy… is very vain. I don't believe it.

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10.30am- He's still in the bathroom! What is he doing there? He says he's fixing his hair… what the hell?

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11am- AAAAAAH! Sirius' hair is not naturally sleek! He has frizzy hair, that he straightens with his wand, and a vial of Madame Sleakeasy potion.

I wish I never knew. Am v disappointed now.

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12 noon- Waiting for the Portkey to Greece

Sirius isn't speaking to me now, and has sworn me to secrecy on his 'hair secret'. He is so childish. Honestly!

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6pm- Greece. Oooh it's so lovely and warm here! So much nicer than horrid London. I'm migrating to Greece. Oooh the waiters are very fit too. Mmm, I think I have a thing for Greek men hehe…

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6.30pm (waiting to be seated)- Sirius just told me off for flirting with the waiters. Don't see what his problem is!

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3am- Won't get a chance to write tomorrow, so will record tonight, now.

Let me begin by saying this double wedding is ridiculous. It is tiring enough to go to one social family event, but two is stretching it.

Anyway…

Dad and Shirley's rehearsal dinner was boring. It really was. Despite the lovely food and setting, we had absolutely nothing to do except sit there. There wasn't alcohol on the tables, so we had to request another drink if we wanted one.

Unfortunately, Shirley the bitch had put a restriction on us, and told the waiters we were only allowed to have one glass of champagne for the entire evening.

Grr. What does dad see in her? She had better let me drink at the wedding, I'm just saying….

As soon as we finished dessert, we took a portkey back for mother's rehearsal dinner. It wasn't overly eventful, really, so Sirius and I just nicked a bottle of champagne and spent the rest of the evening drinking it in the gardens.

Was v. fun… except I still have the hiccoughs now!

'How are you holding up so far?' he asked me, handing me the bottle.

'Not bad,' I said truthfully. 'Nothing's gone wrong so far. Somehow, I've managed to behave myself throughout both rehearsal dinners. I'd say that's a raging success, on my behalf.'

He laughed and swilled down some more Champagne.

'So why'd you break up with Polly?' I said.

He shrugged.

'I'm leaving soon. I'm quitting my job after this week, and then I'm away all of September. Didn't seem worth starting anything that was just going to end.'

I felt a small lump in my throat at this.

'Did you like her?'

He grinned at me.

'Don't worry, you'll always be my number one girl.' (YESSSSSS!)

I blushed and he sighed.

'She was okay. Nothing special. I don't think it would've lasted long. Really, I just decided to take your advice.'

'What advice?' I frowned.

'Remember how you told me to get myself a girlfriend?' he laughed. (I AM AN IDIOT!)

I screwed up my nose.

'Haven't you heard? I give terrible advice.'

'Is that so? I happen to hear people are loving your advice column.'

We sat in silence for a while.

'Do you think I'll ever get married?' I asked, randomly.

'Shut up, Jones,' he laughed. 'Drink. I'm meant to be the serious one here.'

I rolled my eyes.

'No, seriously…'

'Siriusly…'

'Sirius!' I laughed. 'Stop it!'

'Aw come on!' he laughed. 'It's the only perk of having such a ridiculous name. I get to mock people when they try telling me to 'be serious.'.

I laughed and drunk more champagne.

'Okay then. Siriusly… do you think it'll ever happen? I can't imagine anyone ever wanting to marry me. Or putting up with me, at least!'

'Don't sell yourself short. A guy would be lucky to be married to you. It'd be the equivalent of living in a comedy show. He'll be laughing 'til the day he dies!'

I hit Sirius, and then he hit me back and we sort of kept hitting each other, ending up with me lying on the grass, squealing, as he tickled me.

'Okay! Okay! Enough!' I gasped.

He stopped, and lay back next to me.

'I don't just want to be a comedy act to whoever I'm with,' I said truthfully. 'I want them to love me… seriously.'

Sirius smirked, and then we just both laughed and finished the rest of the champagne, before sneaking back into the cellar for another bottle (but he DID kiss me on the cheek before hopping off the ground and helping me up hmmmmmm. HMMMMMMM!)

Anyway. Not much else happened for the rest of the evening. Mum grilled me on 'the plan' for tomorrow, and wanted to make sure I was coming to her wedding, not Shirley's.

I can't bloody believe I have to lie to both sides, and tell them I'm not going to the others' wedding. But…well… what can I do? This is my life. None of it makes any sense whatseoever.

Then again, if my life actually made sense, I'd be having a lovely shag fest with Sirius in my room right now, instead of sleeping (alone) on my couch while Sirius snores away on my bed… yet again. Hmph.


August 10

10am- My apartment- Oh my goodness, it's pandemonium here! Sirius is, yet again, locked up in my bathroom taking his sweet time, Jamie is the living area, flirting with Mary and Lily (who are both acting v. sluttishly, if I say so myself)…. and my bloody parents are getting married.

I can't believe it. I'm going to have step-parents after today. Do not want! Last night I got really depressed and took out some old photo albums of our family from when we were younger (and happier).

Maybe will show those pictures to mum and dad, and force them to remarry each other instead. Gahhhh. WHERE IS MY WONDERBRA?

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11am- Jamie and Sirius are still not ready. WHAT IS SO DIFFICULT ABOUT CHUCKING ON SOME DRESS ROBES?

Why are boys so vain? We were meant to be in Greece already. At this rate, we won't even make the final portkey.

AND I STILL NEED TO GET MY HAIR AND MAKEUP DONE!

I am stressing out. Am going to kill them… both

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12 noon (London Time)- Okay. Calm… and champagne. Can't get any worse. Shirley is giving me the evil eye, I swear. Don't blame her, really. The wedding starts in an hour!


August 11

Weight: 10 st 5 (hmph)

Height: 5 ft 5

Calories: 0 (detoxing)

Allergies: 1

Money: 1 galleons (v. frightening)

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3pm- My apartment.

I don't know how or why, but somehow woke up this morning, in a field in Greece. Jamie and Sirius were sleeping next to me- Jamie spooning Sirius. I swear. If those two turn gay for each other… I'll kill them both.

Anyway. I think it's safe to say I'm estranged from both parents. I, Anna Jones, managed to upset both my parents' weddings. The ridiculous thing is both times weren't really my fault-

Before I walked down the aisle for Shirley's wedding, she pulled me aside.

'Listen, Anna,' she hissed. 'I've put a lot of effort into this wedding for your father and I. Please don't ruin it.'

I mumbled 'of course not'.

As I proceeded to walk down the aisle, however, I felt something stinging my arm. I tried to resist the urge to yelp, because it was bloody painful. As I was about halfway to the altar, however, things- namely me- turned ugly.

I felt my throat constricting. Initially I thought nothing of it because I thought, perhaps, I was just emotional about my dad getting married.

But then my fingers swelled up instantly, my face felt really puffy and then, the next thing I knew, I was tackled to the ground by Uncle Geoffrey, who proceeded to lift up my dress, exposing my wobbly thighs to the entire congregation.

'It's okay!' he shouted. 'I'm a Healer!'

He then jabbed his wand at my thigh and I cried out but then, suddenly, felt so much better. I watched in surprise as my fingers deflated, and the rash on my forearm disappeared.

'Anna!' dad gasped, rushing up to me. 'Are you okay?'

'She's probably allergic to bees,' Uncle Geoffrey bellowed. 'Whoever chose these flowers is an idiot. These bees are swarming!'

A that moment, another bee buzzed next to me, and I screamed. Trust me, I never want to see a bee EVER again.

'WHAT is going on?'

We all turned to see Shirley. She looked furious.

'Anna just had a health scare,' dad said, hugging me to him. 'But Geoffrey fixed her right up.'

Shirley glared daggers at me, and I gulped.

'You should probably sit this one out,' Uncle Geoffrey said to me.

I nodded, trying to ignore Shirley, who was turning a very unbecoming shade of beet. I sat next to Sirius in the congregation. Unfortunately, Uncle Geoffrey (actually not my Uncle, but calls himself this so he can pat my bottom or knee inappropriately) sat right next to me.

'Hah!' he said loudly, slapping my knee inappropriately. 'Is this your chap then, Anna?'

'No,' I muttered. 'He's my friend, Sirius.'

'Still no chap then? You know, you can't put these things off forever! Tick tock, tick tock!'

Dad cleared his throat and smiled sympathetically at him. I smiled back and tried not to cry as I watched him wed the evil hag, Shirley.

I guess, looking back on it, I don't blame her for being pissed off. I did kind of ruin her big entrance. Hmm.

Sirius was lovely and v helpful and concerned for me- unlike Jamie who felt no need to even ask if I was okay. In fact, he did quite the opposite- when we were waiting for the portkey to go to mum's wedding, Sirius asked me (again) if I was okay, and Jamie bellowed-

'Course she is! Look at her! If anything, the swelling's improved her face.'

I gasped and turned to Sirius.

'What swelling?'

He cleared his throat tactfully.

'Don't freak out… but your face is just a bit swollen. It's not bad. You know, actually, many women inject their lips to get that 'bee stung' look.'

I rummaged through my purse frantically and pulled out my hand mirror to see that my face was frightfully swollen. For lack of a better comparison- but it really wasn't better than this anyway- my face looked like a bloody baboon's arse.

I'm not even joking. It was horrific.

I screamed, and threw my mirror away like it was a dangerous spider or something. Then, I ripped up my bridemaid's dress and put the tulle over my face in a bid to create a makeshift veil.

'Anna,' Jamie roared (he was already a bit drunk by this point, 'You can't wear a veil to mum's wedding. You'll upstage her. Then again…'

He started laughing uncontrollably.

'With a face like that, you're going to steal the show anyway.'

I sunk to the ground and started crying at this point. I guess it's just a testament to how good a friend Sirius really is, that he didn't leave then and there. For the next ten minutes, Jamie only got more boistrous, and my swearing at Sirius for lying to me and not telling me my face was so ugly only became ugly.

Finally, the portkey glowed and so we arrived at mum's. I was in such a state, though, that I locked myself in the bathroom and refused to come out. Sirius, at his wit's end (no doubt), gave up and called mother.

'ANNA JONES!' she snapped, in supreme Brizella AB mode, 'You get out of that bathroom right now!'

She unlocked the door and ripped the veil off my head. I screamed, but she dragged me into her dressing room.

'Oh you silly billy,' she sighed, rummaging through her medicine drawer. 'I've got a potion for that.'

'This isn't just normal swelling!' I said miserably. 'It's an allergic reaction.'

Mother rolled her eyes.

'I'm allergic to bees too. Here, drink this potion. You'll be normal in no time. But…'

She paused and surveyed me.

'Maybe you should consider having your lips stung by bees by a proper cosmetician. They can confine the allergic reaction to just your lips. Your lips really do need some filling out.'

HONESTLY! HOW RUDE!

I glared at mum and downed the potion. Thankfully, the swelling disappeared immediately and I was, finally, completely normal again.

'Now, Anna,' mother said, becoming slightly menacing. 'Don't ruin this for me.'

I'm just going to say this right now: I predict I shall NEVER get married. Aisles and I are mutually exclusive. We completely disagree with each other.

You see, to most people this might seem sensationalised. A bee sting in one wedding, and then totally fucking up on the aisle during another wedding ON THE SAME DAY- but I'm not exaggerating. Trust me, this is NOT anything I would ever brag about.

As I was walking down the aisle, I tried thinking of it as being like walking down the catwalk of a fashion show. People were taking pictures, everyone was staring at me, I was wearing Malkin Couture…

You have to admit, it's kind of similar.

Unfortunately, the models at a runway show know how to walk in dangerously high heels. I, sadly, have not quite mastered that talent (though am marginally better when a little drunk).

You see mother, in her tireless war against my natural state, had purchased a pair of ridiculously high heels for me in a bid to make me seem 'taller' and hence 'thinner.'

When it came to walking up the steps to the altar, however, I tripped on the hem of my ultra tight gown and, (here I blame my limited ability to move in my dress), grabbed onto the material of the gazebo in a bid to stabilise myself.

Stabilise myself I did not. But I did manage to bring down the entire gazebo, effectively ruining the entire altar.

I think I must have hit my head, because I came to in my mother's dressing room. Sirius was looking over me, trying his best not to laugh. In the background, I heard this constant, high-pitched sound.

'Sirius,' I said, confused. 'I think I've got tinnitus. My ears a ringing.'

'Um, Anna,' he said carefully. 'That's your mum screaming. I think your ears are fine.'

Then it all came back to me. I suddenly became terrified for my life.

'Sirius!' I whispered, clutching at his dress robes. 'Please take me away! She'll kill me!'

'It's okay,' he laughed. 'They've nearly fixed it. She's just upset her big entrance was ruined.'

I groaned.

'Fuck. I've gone and done it again.'

'Well, sis,' Jamie said, coming in and clapping me on the shoulder. 'I think we can safely say you're never to be a bride… and almost certainly won't ever be a bridesmaid again!'

I felt horribly guilty. A few minutes later, they had fixed the gazebo and the wedding started again. I, however, was expressly forbidden from coming anywhere near the gazebo (again, don't blame mum).

As I watched the wedding miserably, it suddenly occurred to me that Lily and James might attempt getting married again, sometime soon… and then I panicked at the thought of ruining Lily's wedding.

'Anna,' Sirius whispered. 'Calm down. If they get married, I'll make sure Mary walks you down the aisle'

I wasn't sure if this was reassuring or not. Mary's only marginally better-balanced than me. Then again, perhaps her balance has improved after her constant sex-workouts. Does sex improve balance? Note to self: Research this concept… via lots of shagging. Hehehe

Anyway. After the ceremony, I was allowed back for a few photos with the wedding party (mother made sure I wasn't anywhere near her dress), and then we stayed on for the reception.

And this is where my memory becomes a little hazy. Jamie, Sirius and I basically loitered around the drinks table the entire night. I remember dancing quite dangerously with Jamie for a bit (he takes up a lot of space) and, though I can't remember it, I probably danced with Sirius too.

I remember Jamie had a bit of spliff on him so my guess is that we apparated to that field and smoked it. Who knows. All I know is I reeked when I woke up, and was really hungry, but too hungover to eat.

Sirius has since gone home to sleep off his hangover, and Jamie is sprawled all over my couch.

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4pm- Hmph. Dislike Mary and Lily's constant giggling over my brother. He's not fit! He's Jamie!

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4.10pm- Ugh. They're fawning all over him. LILY JUST COOKED HIM A FULL BREAKFAST…. And now he's flirting with her, saying that he misses good, home-cooked English food.

Bloody hell. Am going to bring in Pottyhead if this continues...

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4.20pm- Now Mary is talking in an oddly chavvy accent. WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON? He's trying to teach her to speak with a Jamaican accent.

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4.25pm- Oh no… I went to the bathroom only to come back and find a note saying that they've gone out for Jamaican rum, so Jamie can teach them to drink, 'Jamaican style'.

WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN?

I know what it bloody means- it means that Jamie, the man-slut that he is, is trying to shag both my best friends and they, the shameless flirts, are all for it.

Must not allow this.

But who do I go to? I feel it would be wrong to call in Remus or James, as it may end up being v ugly. But who do I call… Sirius?

I have a feeling he's probably quite fed up with me at the moment. Yesterday wasn't exactly pleasant.

Wonder if Peter is free?

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5pm- Ugh. Peter's gf is SUCH a little bitch. I asked if he was home, and she said he wasn't… and then pulled me aside and said 'she knows' about my little attempt to go out with Peter, and that she 'has her eye on me'.

GAHHHH. Meanwhile, Lily and Mary are probably shagging Jamie as I write this.

Where are they?

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11pm- Oh dear. They're all pissed, and won't stop giggling. Actually, I think they're all high.

Seems like Jamie's going to stay here another night. Have forced Lily and Mary to bed, as they have work tomorrow. Jamie is on the couch, giggling at my television.

WHY IS IT UP TO ME TO BE THE AB? Gahh.

I wish I had work tomorrow. Dealing with DP office antics is far pleasanter than being responsible for 3 adults.

Also, on Lily, I miss those days when she was still a virgin. She was much more responsible, back then. Now, she's 'drinks ahoy!'

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11.10pm- Speaking of... I may just have a drink myself. Just received my copy of Witch Weekly. After the week I've had, I feel I deserve some 'me time'.

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11.11pm- Wish could have 'me time' in the form of a shag. Hmm… lucky time! But, oddly, has never brought me luck. No matter how many times I keep wishing on this time for Sirius to shag me, he still refuses to shag me.

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11.15pm- Why did Jamie get all the goods? Star quidditch player, supposedly good looking (am not a Black, and hence do not find own brother attractive), popular and universally loved, rich…

And here I am, in this little apartment, with no one to shag me, with parents who both hate me for ruining their weddings.

Am a disaster.

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11.30pm- Oooh Witch Weekly article on getting one's life in order is v. good. Am going to post it on my wardrobe door. It says I must eat healthily and exercise a lot.

Which reminds me… what became of my daily yoga and vegan diet? Hmm. I need to stick to things better. Also, just discovered that Italian phrasebook from school.

Maybe should learn Italian again? Or perhaps something exotic like Japanese. Hmm

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11.45pm- Or Arabic? I've always had a secret fantasy of becoming a desert rose/Arabian princess. Mmm. Apparently they're very rich too- despite lack of women's rights.

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11.46pm- Speaking off, DP article says I should join a cause. Perhaps should become a feminist? Have never been too into the concept of feminism before, by which I mean I obviously believe in equal rights for all… but have never really done anything about it.

If anything, am a shame to my gender. Especially the way I seem to keep running to the men in my life for help.. i.e. Sirius.

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11.47pm- Starting tomorrow, will become an empowered woman, and will stop relying on Sirius to help me out of each trivial little disaster that crops up in my life. Will be strong, and find the solution myself.

Otherwise, will never grow.

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11.49pm- Alala… I'm hungry now. But only know how to cook eggs, and bloody Lily used them all up making Jamie's breakfast. Gah. Will just go to bed hungry. Is good to have a cleansing day.

Also, don't want to have to change my calorie count for the day.

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11.50pm- Oh holy crap. I just realiseed I only have ONE GALLEON left to last me until NEXT WEEK.

Aghhhhh. Am a disaster. Right. 1 sickle per day.

The worst part is that mum and dad are on respective honeymoons. Even so, I doubt they'd be willing to give me any hand outs after my performance at their weddings.

Maybe will extort Jamie for money? He has too much of it anyway. How much money does a single man need? It's not as though he has any fashion sense.

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11.51pm- Or maybe he does. Just checked the label of his suit… Malkin Homme.

I officially hate my brother. Not only does he have the above mentioned wonderful things going on in his life, but he has a wardrobe consisting of MALKIN HOMME SUITS.

I have a new life goal: To own a wardrobe, purchased by myself, filled with Malkin Couture clothes.

Maybe Helen Asteria can get me a discount? I feel this dream may take quite a while to actualise… unless I marry a rich man?

NEW LIFE GOAL: MARRY A RICH MAN, who will purchase said Malkin Couture wardrobe for me.

Yes. That's much better. Am going to focus on that as I go to sleep. Am knackered.


August 13

Weight: 10 st 4 (better)

Height: 5 ft 5

Calories: 2000

Money: 5 galleons (better, but still frightening)

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1pm- Oh thank goodeness. Jamie has left…. And the git has invited Mary, Lily and I to come and visit him in Jamaica during his week off, at the end of October.

I DON'T THINK SO.

Will not be a holiday, so much as AB training for me. Am sure Lily and Mary would break up with Remus and James temporarily, just to be able to shag Jamie and his team-mates as much as they can during that week.

Unfortunately, Lily and Mary are already planning said trip to Jamaica, and have gone so far as to buy a travel book on it.

I think I'll just go get a coffee… which I can afford, as Jamie 'loaned' me 4 galleons.

For someone who has Malkin Homme suits, he needs to carry more cash on him. 4 galleons in his wallet is v. disappointing… and not v useful for me, as his scungy younger sister.

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1.10pm- GAHHHH! I DID IT AGAIN! I relied on a man to bail me out of trouble.

V. bad. V.v.. But I suppose warranted, given 1 galleon situation? Gah.

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5pm- Oooh there's a play out right now. It's called Chocolat. It's basically about a witch who is also a bit of a gypsy (but v sexy) who opens up a chocolaterie and has a fling with another sexy gypsy (played by my not-so-secret crush, Johnny Crepp).

Ahhh must go see it. It's playing at the Wizarding Theatre. Will convince Mary.

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5.10pm- Mary AND Lily are going out with their boyfriends tonight. Huh. How they can even face their boyfriends after their behaviour with my brother is beyond me.

Maybe will go by myself? I would ask Sirius, but am meant to be weaning self off reliance on him/men in general.

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5.15pm- Okay. Am going by myself. Is perfectly normal thing to go by oneself to the theatre. Actually, it isn't… but I don't care what other people think. It won't be the most embarrassing thing I've done in the past 24 hours, anyway.

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9pm- Ahhh was amazing! Have a major crush on Johnny Crepp again. Why can't he ditch his beautiful French wife and marry me? Ahhhh.

Going alone was a little embarrassing, let's face it. Was sitting in between two Smug Couples, who kept glancing over at me as though I was lost. Hmph.

But it didn't bother me as soon as Johnny came on stage!

Also, the actress Juliette Brioche, is amazing and sexy and goddess-like. I want to be just like her- including the colourful heels, curvaceous body (hah, mine's a bit too curvaceous), and sexy and alluring chocolate skills.

Am going to become a part time chocolatier. I wonder if there are any courses?

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9.10pm- Turns out there are… except it costs 250 galleons to enrol. Hmm. Maybe not.

Searched through Witch Weekly (where I found out about the play) and they've included a recipe for Mayan Chilli Hot Chocolate. Am going to go to supermarket and buy ingredients. How hard can it be to make Hot Chocolate?

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9.30pm- Okay! Am going to make it now. Bought a tiny red chilli, quality cocoa, and some cream. Okay! Let's go… hmph. Wish Lily and Mary were here to try end product with me. Seems selfish to not share wonderful hot chocolate.

Will not invite Sirius over. Anyway, he said to never cook for him again so hmph. He will just have to miss out.

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9.45pm- My eyes are burning up a lot. Not sure why… will keep rubbing them…

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1am- Home.

Just came home from St Mungo's. That's right- St Bloody Mungo's.

Turns out one should never rub their eyes when they've just cooked with chilli. I probably should have read that little warning at the bottom of the recipe before I started… Gah

Okay. So after continuing to rub them, they were burning so much that I couldn't even open my eyes. My whole face felt like it was about to melt off and was home alone.

I had no choice- I apparated to Sirius' front door and blindly knocked on what I thought was his door, except it was his window… So I ended up smashing his living room window. He rushed out, to find me blind, and my hand bleeding.

'Anna,' he said sternly (don't blame him for being unimpressed), 'What the hell is going on? Did you get stung by another bee?'

'My eyes!' I cried. 'I can't see. Take me to St Mungo's! I can't apparate there blind like this.'

So he took me, and I was seen right away. He kept laughing at me on our way home.

'Jones,' he laughed as we walked into my (still empty) apartment. 'I thought we'd agreed that you don't belong in the kitchen.'

I flopped onto the couch haughtily.

'I know,' I huffed. 'But I don't consider making hot chocolate cooking.'

Sirius looked at me strangely.

'Jones, chilli isn't usually an ingredient for Hot Chocolate. What on earth were you thinking?'

I crossed my arms.

'I was trying to make chilli hot chocolate. Like the Mayans did.'

He raised his eyebrows and I summoned the Witch Weekly magazine. Sirius sighed when he saw it.

'Jones, I worry about how literally you take this magazine. Anyway- they said not to rub your eyes!'

'Well I didn't read that far, did I?' I muttered. 'They should have put that at the start of the recipe, not the end!'

He laughed and tossed the magazine aside.

'Hey,' he said casually. 'Do you fancy going to see that play?'

And then I felt horribly guilty for not asking him to go with me…. So guilty that I pretended I hadn't seen it yet and said I'd love to go.

Bloody hell. I think I should just accept I need certain men in my life- Sirius in particular. But he's leaving for his stupid Auror training month soon. I actually don't know how I'm going to survive without him. Let's just hope I manage to keep myself out of trouble for a month.

On the plus side, watching Chocolat again means I get to see Johnny Crepp again! Haha!

I wonder when we can go see it? Hmm… Maybe Johnny will spot me in the audience while he's acting, fall in love with me, and then find me after the show and ask me to marry him?

Am going to go to bed right now and dream about that. If I am a Seer, hopefully it will end up coming true!

.

1.10am- If I was a Seer, surely I would have foreseen horrible chilli eye incident. Resolve to sharpen Seer abilities before Sirius leaves.

.

1.12am- I don't want him to go. Even if I can't snog or shag him, just seeing him brings a lot of happiness to my otherwise dull and miserable life. Maybe should injure him so that he has to miss his training? Hmmm…

.

1.13am- Will not assault Sirius. Am sure that would mean the end of our friendship, anyway, which would be worse in the long run.

I will just have to work on my independence and see his leaving as a very positive thing that will force me to rely less on others.

V. good. On that note, am off to sleep. Will get up early tomorrow and go for a walk.


August 14

Weight: 10 st 4 (better)

Height: 5 ft 5

Yoga: 1 hour (v. good)

Calories: 3000 (terrible)

Visits from Rob: 1 (bad, but quietly reassuring)

Money: 3 galleons (am going to be destitute by Monday)

.

1pm- Eugh. I feel sick. Just woke up. Overslept. Yuk. Oooh, I hear Mary and Lily. At least have female friends at home.

.

4pm- Am v. depressed. Went into the living room to find Lily and Mary on the ground, in some v strange 'upside down lotus' yoga position.

'What are you doing?' I asked them, pouring myself some coffee.

'The upside down lotus,' Lily said informatively, her cheeks very flushed.

'Oh…' I said. 'Why?'

'Apparently they help you have really strong orgasms,' said Mary informatively.

'During the position?' I gasped, ready to drop to the floor and try it.

'No, silly,' Lily laughed. 'During sex.'

I sat at the kitchen table, feeling miserable.

'Why don't you try it?' offered Mary.

'What's the point?' I muttered. 'I have no one to shag!'

Right on cue, there was knocking at the door. Deciding that both my housemates probably weren't going to be getting up any time soon, I answered it.

It was Rob.

'Oh Jesus,' I sighed, when I saw him. 'Look, Rob, we decided…'

'Well that's just it, Anna!' he said. 'We didn't decide anything! You're hot one minute, cold the other. You dumped me… but then dragged me back here a few days later for an amazing shag. I want to know what's going on, because I really care for you.'

I rolled my eyes.

'No, you care for the shagging.'

He grinned cheekily (and it was sexy enough for me to need to press my legs together).

'I'll admit, the shagging's pretty amazing. C'mon Anna,' he coaxed. 'Why stop a good thing!'

I sighed.

'Look, Rob,' I said. 'While the shagging is great- don't get me wrong, it is- I just don't fancy you at all. I'm sorry. You're cute, but it can't go any further than shagging. At this point in my life, I'm looking for more than that.'

He looked me up and down, still wearing that sexy grin.

'Anna,' he said. 'Do you have someone else?'

'No,' I sighed. 'But…'

'Well what's the harm in continuing to see each other until you do?'

I'm ashamed to admit I considered his proposal.

'No!' I exclaimed, shaking my head. 'No! Because …'

'What? Because what? You enjoy the shagging, don't you?' he coaxed.

'That's not the point! Rob, I think you're obsessed with me! I don't think it'd be 'just shagging' with you.'

'That's okay,' he interrupted. 'You call the shots. I'll handle any heartbreak should it come later down the track.'

I sighed.

'Look… just please try forgetting me,' I sighed. 'It's not going to happen. Sorry.'

And then- somehow- I shut the door on him and ran back to my room and sulked.

It's not fair. I want someone to shag me.

Maybe his suggestion wasn't so bad? After all, Sirius went on a huge casual sex tirade, and he seemed to escape it unscathed. Well, he's probably caught several diseases in the process… but he seems happy which is the main thing, right?

.

5pm- Must stop thinking about accepting Rob's proposition. He is not a normal man, but a crazy Australian and borderline stalker.

Aren't I at an age where I'm supposed to be able to walk into any bar and get any guy I choose? Aghh, am going to chuck out all my Mills & Boon books for good, I think. They are useless rubbish and have filled my head with nonsensical notions.

Speaking of, actually, I never did finish reading ' Fire of Passion' due to horrid NEWTs. Hmm… might read it now.

.

7pm- Oh fuck. Fuck fuck fuck. I need a good shagging. Seriously must invest in a vibrator as soon as get paid on Friday.

Or maybe everyone can just buy me one for my Birthday in 2 weeks…

Fuck it. I can't wait that long. This Friday, am disguising myself and purchasing a vibrator.

Good plan!

.

8pm- But shagging Rob is cheaper… with no icky emotional attachment (on my behalf, at least). Hmmmm…

.

11pm- Aghhh. Girls just gave me an 'interfriendtion' regarding the 'Sirius Situation' hah.

They sat me down on the couch, and thrust a glass of wine at me.

'Drink,' ordered Lily.

I was only too happy to oblige… except the wine was terrible. I guess I shouldn't expect much when we're poor as we are.

'Anna,' said Mary haughtily. 'Why aren't you and Sirius shagging each other's brains out yet? Merlin knows he's slept in your bed enough times!'

'Yes!' Lily concurred. 'What's wrong? Surely you don't need us to teach you how sex works?'

I glowered at Lily.

'Thanks, miss recently deflowered nymphomanic,' I muttered. 'I know very well how shagging works. It just so happens that shagging between Sirius and I will never work out well… and hence we are both very happy to remain just friends.'

'Oh come on!' Lily sighed. 'He likes you! I know he does! But what's he to do when you keep refusing him?'

I felt v indignant at this.

'Me?' I gasped. 'I'm not the one who refuses him!'

'You are!' Mary nodded. 'All the time. Anna, there's nothing wrong with a drunken hookup. In fact, it's how many relationships start- take a look at Remus and I!'

I stood up, v annoyed.

'I will not be Smug-Coupled by you two!' I cried. 'I am a singleton, and proud of it! Now, if you'll excuse me… I'm going to meditate in my room!'

At which I ran to room and did the upside down lotus for a full hour. Those orgasms had better be bloody amazing. I'm just saying….

.

12 midnight- Sirius wants to know if I'm free on Friday night to go to the theatre. Oooh am excited now. But won't get my hopes up that it'll end in shagging because, let's face it, it never ever does.

Hmph.


That chilli thing actually happened to me when I was younger. After watching Chocolat, I tried to be clever and make chilli hot chocolate. I forgot about the residual chilli on my hands when I washed my face before bed and then... let's just say it wasn't a fun night.

Next chapter-

'There I was- naked, and locked out on my own bloody balcony.'

AND

'You love me?'

'Well of course!' he exclaimed.

I hopped off the bed.

'What do you mean 'of course'?' I said suspiciously. 'What's so obvious about your loving me?'

Make sure you leave a review before you leave! I haven't have much time for writing lately so will need plenty of inspiration!

Love, Anya