This story is dedicated to my friend, Pam, who recently lost her husband to cancer. She's a wonderful friend with a beautiful soul who didn't deserve losing her best friend to such a devastating and deadly disease. I love you, girl.
Up next will be the funeral, some drama between Bella and Edward and some good news at the end.
Chapter Twenty-Seven
BPOV
"I'm going to check on the kids," I said.
"Can I check on them? I want to tell them about Mom," Edward whispered. He took my hand, his thumb caressing over my knuckles. "You being here, or rather being there with my mom, it meant everything to me and to her, too. I don't know if I could have done it without you, Bella."
"There's nowhere I wanted to be, Edward," I said, brushing his hair back. "Do you want back up with the kids? They're going to have questions. Tough questions."
"No, I think I'll be okay. Charlie sent a text that they're both in Grace's room. He's reading to them," Edward muttered. He rubbed his face, looking ten years older and so weary, despondent. "I love you, sweetness."
"Edward, I love you more," I breathed, kissing his lips. He hugged me tightly before heading upstairs, going into Grace's bedroom. I pulled out my cell phone and sat down on the couch. I dialed Alice.
"How is she?" Alice asked when she picked up the phone.
"She's gone, Alice," I cried, tears leaking onto my cheeks. "She went peacefully and she was not in any pain. She just took a breath, released it and was gone." I curled up on the couch, clutching a pillow. "I think it goes without saying that I'm going to be out for a few days, maybe a week. I'm sorry. I need to focus on my family right now."
"Don't even apologize, Hells Bells," Alice snapped. "Seriously, you just lost your mother-in-law. You take all the time you need. I'll speak to the district office and get you some emergency time off. I'm sorry for your loss. Send my love to Edward, will you?"
"I will, Alice. I'm sorry about putting you in a lurch and leaving you with the Carters and dealing with Micah's mom," I said, the guilt building up inside. "I …" A sob burst through my lips and I buried my face into the pillow.
"Bella, no. It's alright. Don't cry, sweetie," Alice sniffled. "You take care of you. Take care of your family. I'll handle everything else. Call me anytime."
"Okay, Ali-cat," I cried. "Love you."
"Love you, too, Hells Bells," she murmured, hanging up the phone.
I leaned my cheek against the couch cushion. My dad came down, sitting down next to me. "Edward's talking to the kiddos. Grace is in shock. John is angry, trying not to cry but when he saw Edward cry, the dam flew open. The three of them are curled up on Grace's bed, crying."
"He's taking this hard, Dad," I sighed. "I am, too. This was the first death I've experienced since Jake. I feel lost, Dad. I don't know how to handle this. I don't know how to make it easier for Edward, for the kids … I know I have to be strong …"
"Bella, you don't have to be strong. You've been strong for so many years after you lost Jacob. You grieve how you see fit, sweetheart," Dad said, hugging me close. "And we'll be here for you and for Edward. Your mother actually went over to see how Carlisle was doing after you called. She was concerned he wasn't eating."
"He did look really skinny, but he was so worried about Esme," I sighed. "We all were. Her illness was stubborn."
"It wasn't the cancer, Bells. It was her. She wanted to make sure that her children were happy," Dad explained. "Esme was a strong woman, filled with spit and vinegar, but for so much love for her family. You were included in that. I know that she loved you."
"I loved her, too," I sniffled. "But, I'm afraid for Edward … he's …"
"He'll be fine. He's a lot like you, Bella. He'll probably push everyone away, but be patient," Dad said, kissing my forehead.
"I didn't push everyone away," I huffed.
"Yes, you did," Dad snorted. "Bells, just love him."
"You know I do," I sniffed, sliding my arms around my dad's neck. He held me close, kissing my forehead before getting up. "You going home?"
"I am," Dad nodded. "With Edward taking some time off with his mother's passing, I'm stepping into my old job with the mayor's approval."
"Did Edward ask for that?" I asked.
"He didn't, but I'm trying to make things easier for him," Dad said. "Love you, sweetheart."
"Love you, too, Dad," I said. "Stay healthy, old man. Don't get shot."
"I'm planning on sitting at the desk, partaking in some nasty sludge they try to pass as coffee and eating day-old donuts. I will not be out in the field, Bells," Dad laughed.
He kissed my forehead again, leaving me in the living room. I took a breath, wiping my cheeks and making my way upstairs. I saw Edward on Grace's bed, with both of my children curled up on him. His fingers were caressing Grace's long curls and he held John gently to his chest. "Hey," I whispered, walking into the bedroom. "How are they?"
"Grace is upset and John is angry," Edward murmured, kissing both of their heads. He chuckled humorlessly. "They made me promise to never go away."
"They're understandably upset," I said, sitting down on the edge of the bed. "How are you?"
"Numb," he said, tightening his hold on the children. "In my head, I know she's gone and I'm relieved she's not in pain, but selfishly I wish she was still around." Tears trickled down his cheeks. He looked at me, his eyes anguished. "I don't know what to do, Bella."
"I think you need to come with me, baby," I said. "Let's get you out of those clothes and get some sleep."
"I don't know if I can sleep, Bella," he muttered, maneuvering Grace off his chest and onto her bed. He smoothed his shirt, looked down at the kids. I walked to him, taking his hand. He jumped, looking down at our hands. He ran his thumb over my knuckles. Tugging on my hand, he led me out of Grace's bedroom and he pulled me upstairs. Once the door was closed, he pulled me into his arms and held me tightly. He didn't sob, but I felt his tears. I kept my arms around his body. Pulling back, he stared at me. "How did you do this with Jake?"
"Come on, baby," I whispered, taking him to the bathroom. "Let's wash the day away."
"Tell me, Bella. How did you do it?" he asked.
"Those little ones in the bedroom. They were my strength, Edward," I answered. "I also had a strong support system with Billy and my in-laws. You have all of us, Edward. Your mom is gone, but you're not alone."
"I'm not alone," he muttered, staring at me as if I was going to disappear. I nodded, kissing his forehead, both of his cheeks and ending with his lips. I took both of his hands, squeezing them gently. Turning on the water in the shower, I released his hands and unbuttoned his shirt. Carefully, deliberately, I removed his shirt and shoved it over his shoulders. He took my hand, placing it on the pink ribbon tattoo over his heart. "I'm not alone, right?"
"You'll never be alone, Edward," I said, tracing the tattoo. "Come on, baby. Let's get you in the shower. Wash away the day and get some sleep." He nodded woodenly, unbuckling his belt and removing his pants. I took off my clothes and taking Edward's hand when he was completely naked. We went into the shower, allowing the water to drench us. His arms snaked around my body and he curled around me. "What do you need, Edward?"
"You," he choked out. "I just need to feel something other than sadness." He cupped my face, staring into my eyes. "Please, Bella? Please?" I nodded and kissed him. He crashed his lips against mine, lifting me easily. My legs wrapped around his trim waist. Our mouths moved feverishly together and I was impaled onto his length, filling me completely. Our love making was fast, frenetic and passionate. We both were grieving the loss of Esme. I was giving Edward myself so he could not feel sadness. He was willingly taking it, his mouth moving roughly against mine. He grunted as he came inside me. I clung to him as his thrusts slowed down, pinning me to the bathroom wall. His hands were on my thighs as he panted heavily. "I'm sorry, love. Was I too rough on you?"
He guided us down, caressing his hands over my body. He frowned, seeing some invisible mark on my arm. "Edward, I'm okay, baby," I said.
"I was too rough, sweetness," he muttered, fat tears falling onto his cheeks and mixing in with the water from our shower. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."
"Edward, don't apologize," I whispered, brushing his wet hair off his forehead. "Don't … I'm okay. We're okay." He stared at me, his fingers tracing along my face, down my neck and my body. He pressed his palm above my heart, sighing when he felt my heartbeat. "I'm here for you, Edward. I love you."
"I love you, too," he whispered, his face smoothing out. "I love you, too." His hands continued their trek over my body as the water cooled. We stood up and he carefully washed my hair, his touch careful, reverent. When we were all clean, and a little cold, Edward wrapped me in a fluffy towel before putting one around his waist. He picked up my brush, running it through my hair. I opened my mouth to say that I could brush my own hair, but he shook his head. "Let me, please?"
"Okay," I nodded as he took care of me. When my hair was knot-free, he slid his arms around my waist. "Talk to me, Chief. What is it?"
"I feel bad that I hurt you, sweetness," he whispered, his fingers tracing along my collarbones. Nestled between them was the pendant that my children gave me for our wedding. "I never wanted to hurt you, Bella."
"Edward, I think that know better than anyone what you're feeling," I said, turning around in his arms and hopping up onto the counter. I adjusted my towel and traced his tattoo. "I get it."
"I've never lost someone like this, Bella. I mean, my grandparents are both gone, but I was too young to remember their deaths," Edward muttered.
"How old?" I asked.
"My dad's parents were dead before I was born and Mom's parents died when I was four and five, respectively," he replied, his nose wrinkled. "My dad's parents died from dementia. Within hours of each other, they died, unable to be without the other. My mom's mom died when I was four from a heart attack. Grandpa had a stroke about six months after that, living in a nursing home until he passed away in his sleep a year to the day to my grandmother's death. Other than the loss of my baby sister, which I didn't understand at the time, I've lost …"
"Edward," I whispered. "I'm so sorry. I wish I could take this pain away."
"You're helping, sweetness," Edward muttered, leaning forward and pressing his forehead to mine. "Your presence means so much to me. You love me. You loved my mom. You adore our children. You're so strong, Bella. If I had an ounce of your strength …"
"You're stronger than you give yourself credit, Edward," I said, tangling my hands into his damp hair. "Your strength helped me when I was at my lowest." Leaning forward, I brushed my lips over his. "Come on, Chief. The next couple of days are going to be long. Let's get some rest. I love you, Edward. I always will."
"I love you, too, sweetness," he sighed, caressing my arms. He carefully picked me up and carried me to the bedroom. We got ready for bed, opening the door and curled up in the bed. Edward's head was buried between my breasts. I heard him sigh contentedly. "You're here. I'm not alone."
"Never, baby. Never," I whispered in the darkness. "Never again."
xx PutP xx
When I woke up, I was being pushed out of the bed. I rolled over, seeing John pressed to my back. Grace was laying perpendicular across us. Her feet were draped over my hips, John's legs and her cheek was pressed against Edward's chest. He was snoring, running his fingers through her hair. I slid out of the bed, adjusting Grace so she was curled against Edward's chest. I went downstairs, picking up my cell phone. I dialed Alice.
"Hey, Bells," she said. "How are you doing?"
"As well as to be expected, Ali," I said, starting the coffee machine. "Edward's, well, he's a total mess. Understandably so. Esme went peacefully and she's not in pain anymore. I hate that she's gone. I hate that my husband has to sleep with his head on my chest so he could hear my heartbeat. He's terrified that I'm going to …"
"I think you understand his fears, Bells," Alice sighed.
"Anyway, I think it goes without saying that I'm not going to be in. I know that I'm getting close to the end of my sick days," I grumbled. "Also, I'm calling in John and Grace. They'll be back when I'm back."
"Don't even worry about it. The superintendent loves you and if need be, you can make up those days over the summer," Alice replied. "Do you know where the funeral service is being held?"
"Drennan and Ford Funeral Home," I answered. "I don't know what's on tap for today, but as soon as I know, I'll let you know."
"Will do. However, as a staff, you'll be getting some flowers from us," Alice said. "I love you, sweetie."
"Love you, too, Ali," I whispered.
"Give Edward a hug from me," Alice said sadly. "I'm sorry for your loss, Bells. Esme was a wonderful woman. She shouldn't have suffered as much as she did. If you need anything … anything … please, let me know."
"I will, Ali." I hung up the phone and poured myself a cup of coffee before pulling out stuff for breakfast. As I was making pancake batter, I heard tiny footsteps. I looked up and saw John. "Hey, baby. Are you okay?"
"Grace was kicking," John grumped, sliding onto a stool. "Dad held her close, but I was awake. School?"
"You're off so we can be together as a family, like after Daddy died," I replied. "Do you want breakfast? I'm making pancakes."
"I'm a boy. I'm always hungry," John quipped.
"Of course, you are," I snickered. I made pancakes along with bacon. As I was putting the food onto a platter, Edward came down, carrying a sleep-rumpled Grace. "Morning …"
"She was suctioned to me," Edward said, kissing Grace's forehead. She snuggled closer as he sat down. "And she's hot."
"Grace always runs on the hot side," I said, moving to kiss her. "You okay, baby girl?"
"Yeah," she answered, putting her cheek on Edward's shoulder.
"Sweetie, I'm certain that Edward loves the snuggles, but he can't really eat while he's holding you," I said. Grace pouted but didn't struggle when he put her down. She sat down next John. I put out breakfast and we ate together as a family. Edward's cell phone rang. He kissed the kids, getting up and stepping out of the kitchen, onto the deck. "Guys, are you done?"
"Can I have one more pancake?" John asked.
I nodded before blinking to Grace. "What about you, munchkin?"
"Can I go out with Dad?" she asked, looking out the window to Edward. He was talking on his phone, clearly agitated.
"Probably not, Grace," I answered. "Why don't you go upstairs, get dressed, baby?" She nodded, hopping off the stool. I picked up Edward's coffee. I slipped on a fleece by the door and walked outside. Edward was growling into the phone. I leaned against the window as he paced on the deck. With a snarl, he punched his finger on the phone. He went to throw it. "Hey, stop …"
He turned, his face filled with anguish and anger. "Bella …"
"Talk to me, Chief," I said, taking his cell phone.
"Dad called and said that he didn't want a wake," Edward snarled. "He didn't want everyone to see her like that. He wants to have a private ceremony for the family and have a memorial service later."
"What did your mother want?" I asked.
"She wanted a wake. She wanted to celebrate her life and not mourn it," he choked out. "Emmett agrees with me, Bella. But, Dad, he's so fucking stubborn." He pinched his nose, sitting down on the edge of the deck.
"Edward, come inside," I said. "It's freezing out here and you're not wearing any shoes." I took his hand. He followed me into the house and I took off the fleece, covering his shoulders with it. "I can understand your father's reasoning." Edward scowled at me. "But, I understand your mom's wishes, too. You need to talk to him, with Emmett. If you have a will or paperwork with her wishes, it might be helpful for your dad to understand."
"What did you do for Jake?" he asked.
"With Jake being a Native American, they had specific rules. The wake and funeral were private, only for the tribe and his immediate family. A week later, we had a memorial for our friends and extended family," I explained. "Billy handled everything. I was a zombie, to be honest. I couldn't even begin to … my head was not capable of making those decisions."
"Will you come with me to talk to my dad?" Edward sighed, leaning his head forward to my chest. His ear was pressed to my heartbeat. I brushed his hair back, hugging him gently.
We stayed that way until my cell phone rang. I stepped back, squeezing his hand as I swiped my finger across the screen. It was my mom. I asked her to come pick up the kids while I could help Edward and his family with the arrangements for Esme's funeral. She eagerly agreed. I sent Edward upstairs to shower while I got John and Grace ready to spend time with my mom. John was okay, but Grace was upset. She wanted to stay with Edward and me. It took Edward an hour to convince Grace that we'd be running around and spending more time in meetings that would be boring for her. Grace, begrudgingly, agreed to go with my mom, with my mom bribing her with ice cream and all things unhealthy.
An hour later, the kids were with my mom and we were driving to the Cullen's. Edward was a little better, not as angry at his dad and more at peace with his mother's passing, but still unbearably sad. We arrived at the house, parking behind Emmett's car. We got out, heading into the house. There was yelling and from I could tell, Carlisle was digging in his heels about the wake. "I don't want people to see her like this!" Carlisle yelled. "I don't care what she said in her will, or funeral planning. She's …"
"It's what she wanted, Dad!" Emmett snarled. "It's not about what you want or your image. It's what she wanted!"
"It's not that and you know it, Emmett," Carlisle snapped back.
"Both of you need to calm down," Rose sighed, shifting on the couch. Her belly was bigger. "If only we could find the paperwork with Esme's wishes."
"It's in the safe in the bedroom," Edward said quietly, his hand clinging to mine. "Rose, you need to relax. The doctor said you need to stay calm." He shot a look to his brother and his father. "I'll get the paperwork. Dad, she was clear on her wishes." He squeezed Emmett's shoulder and kissing Rose's forehead. He jogged up the stairs.
"Carlisle, please sit down," I said, pushing him to the kitchen table. "When was the last time you ate?"
"I'm not hungry," he said quietly, his ire still apparent.
"Well, too damn bad," I grumbled, opening up the fridge. "Do you want eggs? Yogurt?"
"You don't have to do that, Bella," Carlisle argued. I turned around, looking at him. I arched a brow. "You're not taking no for an answer, are you?"
"Nope. You've lost weight, Carlisle. I know that everything has been awful lately, but we need to keep you healthy," I said. "I think you need bacon and eggs. You need the protein."
"There's biscuits in there, too," Rose said.
"You want some of those?" I quipped. Rose nodded, rubbing her belly. I pulled out the eggs, bacon and biscuits. I put the biscuits in the oven and scrambled the eggs.
Emmett took out some fruit, chopping it and putting it into a bowl. "Eat this, Dad," he said. "Bella's right. You have been losing weight."
Edward came down with a black folio. He was flipping a few pages when he sat down next to Rose. "Here. Mom had me write it down," he pressed the folio into Rose's hands.
"'I want a full wake and funeral. Not just a memorial service. I want my friends and family to celebrate my life, not mourn my passing. I know I'll look different, but I want a wake. I want a funeral.' She wrote that, Carlisle," Rose whispered. "It's what she wanted." She read further. "She even has the songs she wants sung, along with the biblical passages, too."
"If I know Mom, she probably has who she wants to sing and read, too," Emmett quipped.
"She did," Edward said. "Rose and Bella, you're up."
"When did she write this?" I asked as I cooked the bacon. Emmett was working with the eggs.
"Shortly after I proposed to you, sweetness," Edward answered. "She was having a rough day. Not even the marijuana was helping her. She made me write everything down. She made me promise that her wishes would be followed to the letter. And that means a wake and a funeral."
Rose got up, giving Carlisle the folio and he read what Esme had expressed. He ran his fingers over her shaky initials. "We didn't want to feel like we were ganging up on you, Carlisle. We just knew what she wanted," Rose said quietly.
"You were right. I was being a stubborn old man," Carlisle said, his voice quiet. I handed Emmett the tongs to handle the bacon. I sat down, squeezing his hand. "I'm just at a loss as to what to do. Esme … she handled so much. I know the hospital. I don't how to handle …" He waved his hand at the house.
"We'll help you, Dad," Edward explained. "You're not alone." I blinked up at him and he gave me a tiny smile. "For now, let's take it one step at a time. That first step is for you to eat, followed by a long shower."
"Are you saying I smell?" Carlisle asked, arching a brow.
"Yes!" we all answered. He scowled at us but dug into the plate that Emmett put in front of him. Carlisle snorted and a smile ghosted over his features. After he ate two helpings of eggs, four slices of bacon and two biscuits, Carlisle went upstairs.
Edward and Emmett helped with the dishes while I read the paperwork that Edward brought from the safe. "Esme was quite explicit in her directions," Rose said. "She really wants a celebration."
"Esme Cullen was a force onto herself. She was graceful, strong, loving and the glue of this family," I whispered.
"I think it's safe to say that you're the new glue," Rose snorted, gripping my hand tightly. "Everything fell into place when you and Edward came to the house." She smiled softly at me, putting my hand on her belly. I felt a strong kick. I snickered quietly. "Will you be the godmother, Bells?"
"I'd be honored, Rose," I breathed. "Do you know if you're having a boy or girl?"
"There are so few surprises in the world," Rose shrugged. "We're waiting until this little one is born. We have a few names picked out for both genders. The only thing we know for sure is who we want to have as god parents. You and Edward …"
"Are you going to tell me the names?" I asked.
"You'll find out when the baby is born," Rose quipped. "Emmett's asking Edward now. We need some good news with Esme's death."
"Did she know?" I questioned. "Esme?"
"When she had a few lucid moments, I told her about the baby, you and Edward as the godparents and the names. She was happy, very happy," Rose smiled, tears streaking down her cheeks. "She got her wish."
"Wish?"
"She wanted her sons happy. She wanted them to find love," Rose sniffled, wiping her nose. "They did. We all did."
"It'll be a while before we're truly happy," I sighed.
Carlisle came downstairs, dressed in a pair of jeans and a sweater. He looked better. His eyes were not bleary and his hair was combed. However, he still had an air of sadness. "I think we need to go to the funeral parlor first. Then, the flowers."
"Why don't we divide and conquer?" Rose suggested. "You and the boys go to the funeral parlor. Bella and I will go to the floral shop. We'll get something beautiful from you, from our families and …"
"I think that'll work out for the best," Emmett nodded. "Dad said he was tired."
"I'm not sleeping well," Carlisle muttered. "I haven't slept well since Esme went into hospice. For over forty years, I shared a bed with my wife and now? I'm alone."
"You're not alone, Carlisle," I said, squeezing his hand. "Edward and I will stay here tonight."
"You'd do that for me?" he asked.
"We'd do anything for you, Dad," Edward said, hugging his father. "We're family."
xx PutP xx
Three days after Esme's passing, we were getting ready for her wake. Edward and I had stayed with Carlisle that first night. Edward stayed the day following and both Emmett and Edward stayed the night before the wake. I was getting the kids ready, curling Grace's hair and fighting with John to put on his dress clothes. Edward was showering. He was distant with me. With the kids, he was putting on a brave front, but he was curt with them, as well.
"Mommy? Why is Dad so cranky?" Grace asked.
"He's sad, munchkin. He's like most guys. He doesn't know how to show how he's feeling, Gracie," I answered, running my fingers through her curls. I twisted them up, clipping them with a simple black barrette.
"Are you sad, Mommy?" she pressed.
I sighed, feeling the grief threaten to bury me. I couldn't. I needed to be strong for my husband, my family. It was so hard when all I wanted to do was stay in bed and cry. I could feel the darkness swirl inside me, threatening to overwhelm me. "I'm sad and I miss Nana Esme," I whispered, trying to keep my voice even.
"Are you going to talk to Mrs. Cope?"
"Maybe," I shrugged. "Did talking to Miss Jane help you, sweetie?"
"Yeah," Grace nodded. "She said it's okay to be sad and to cry. She also said to remember the good times with Nana Esme. Like, when we had Mother's Day at her house. Do you remember that?"
"It was a special day," I said, kissing her temple. "Now, shoes on. I'm going to check on John and Dad."
I knocked on John's door before walking in. He was dressed in a pair of black corduroy pants and gray sweater. His nose was wrinkled. "What's up, John?"
"My dress shoes don't fit," he grumped. "I want to look nice for Nana Esme, but … they're too small."
"I think that Nana Esme won't mind if you wear your sneakers," I said, picking up his black Nikes. "I'll get you some dress shoes before tomorrow, John. I promise." He scowled as he put on his sneakers. They were nice and went with what he was wearing. "Not so bad, bud."
"I guess so," he muttered. "When am I seeing Miss Jane again?"
"In a couple of days, John. We need to get through the wake and funeral. I'm planning on taking you to see her on Saturday, okay?"
John nodded, hugging me tightly and went downstairs. I blew out a breath, walking up to my bedroom. Edward was sitting on the bed, his shirt undone and a tie draped over his thigh. He looked so lost. I crouched in front of him. "Hey, baby."
He blinked up at me. His normally bright eyes were dull and had taken on a grey hue. "I don't know … I can't do this, Bella," he whispered. "Mom had everything planned."
"With your help, Edward," I said, buttoning his shirt and sliding the tie around his neck. I folded the tie and pushed it to his neck. He leaned forward, his fingers caressing my cheek. "I love you. I'm with you. Every step of the way, Edward."
"I just miss her. I want to pick up the phone and tell her about something that John did, or a joke that Grace shared, or how much I love you. I can't," he sighed. He pulled out his cell phone, twisting it in his hands. "I've listened to my mom's voice messages so I could remember what her voice sounded like. I loved her voice. It was soft, calming." He blinked to me. "I'm forgetting what she sounded like, Bella. She's been gone for three days and I'm forgetting." He looked so lost.
I brushed his hair back and trailed my fingers down his jaw. "One day at a time, Edward," I whispered. He nodded, sliding his arms around my body and lifting me onto his lap. He held me tightly, breathing deeply. I massaged his tense shoulders. With each pass, he relaxed and eventually he pulled back. "I'm with you, baby."
"I know, Bella," he said, pressing a kiss to my lips. "I love you and … to be honest, I don't know …" He hugged me again and stood up. "I'm going to attempt to do something with my hair and finish getting dressed. We can head to the funeral home after that, okay?"
I nodded and watched him duck into the bathroom. I slid on my heels and sprayed on some perfume. Clicking on my watch, I went downstairs and bundled up the kids in their coats. Edward walked down the stairs. Grace ran to him and hugged his legs. He bent down, kissing her forehead. He ruffled John's hair. We got into Edward's SUV. Reaching across the console, Edward twined his fingers with mine as we drove to Port Angeles. He parked next to Emmett's car. We got out of the SUV. My parents were waiting just outside of the parlor.
"Carlisle, Emmett and Rose are in there," Mom said. "We'll stay with John and Grace while you and Edward go inside."
"I want to go with Dad," Grace said.
"Little sweetness," Edward breathed, crouching down and pulling Grace into his arms. "You'll come inside soon enough, but this is the first time I'll see Nana Esme since she died."
"Are you sad?" she asked.
"I am, Grace," Edward nodded. "I know you're sad, too, but this is something that your mom and I need to do before …" He blinked to me, his eyes tortured.
"Edward needs to say goodbye, baby girl. I know you don't remember this, but when Daddy died, I went in there before you and John did. It's a private moment between a mother and her son," I explained. "Just like I needed a moment with Daddy before …"
"Why do you get to go in?" John asked.
"Do you want me to stay out here with you?" I pressed. He nodded. "Okay, John. I'll stay here with you." I turned to Edward. He looked a little miffed, but he hugged me. With a kiss to my cheek and a hug to the kids, he slipped into the funeral parlor. I stood up, looking at my mom. She gave me an understanding look, but I could see the underlying concern. We sat down in the lobby. John was suctioned to my side while Dad held Grace on his lap.
A half hour later, Emmett came out and said that the parlor was open to the public. I went inside, looking for Edward. He was sitting next to his father. His gaze was blank. With the kids, we went up to the dove grey casket. Esme was dressed in the same dress she wore for my wedding. She had a beautiful scarf wrapped around her head and she looked like she was sleeping. The mortician had done a wonderful job in recreating Esme's vibrant personality, with soft pink makeup. I reached into the casket, wrapping my fingers around her hand.
It was so cold. So small.
Flashbacks of Jake's death assaulted my mind. His final moments playing on repeat in my brain, followed by Esme's final breaths. I pressed my forehead to my arm, trying not to sob out loud. Tears ran down my cheeks as I panted heavily. I felt a heavy hand on my shoulder. I blinked up, seeing Emmett. "Come on, Bells," he whispered. He helped me to my feet. I looked around.
No Edward.
"He went to cool off," Emmett whispered. "He's pissed at you."
"I didn't do anything," I cried, grabbing a Kleenex as I sat down on one of the sofas. "The kids needed me."
"I get that, Bella. And in some respect, so does Edward, but he's fucking angry right now." Emmett scrubbed his face. "We all are." He blinked to me, a frown ghosting over his face. "You've been so strong, Bells. Who's been there for you?"
"I'm not the one who is dealing with the loss of their mother," I sighed, dabbing my cheeks. "I'm fine. I'll continue to be fine."
He kissed my temple. "I'm going to kick my brother's ass. I'll be back, okay?"
"Emmett, don't," I ordered, grabbing his sleeve. "Just don't. Now is not the time." People from Forks, the hospital, the salon, they all began filtering into the parlor and signing in at the guest book. He gave me another look before standing up with his father near the head of the casket. Rose came and sat with me, her eyes puffy from crying. Edward walked back in, his own eyes red-rimmed. He stood tall next to his father, ignoring me.
The six hours of the wake were the most uncomfortable in the history of time. John and Grace were whiny and wanted to go home. My mom offered to take them back to her house, but the only wanted me. Grace wanted Edward, but she saw his terse expression as he stood next to Carlisle. She decided to stay suctioned to me.
By eight, the wake was done. It had been a steady stream of mourners since the doors opened. There was a brief prayer service by Pastor Weber, who was performing the funeral service tomorrow. Now, we were getting ready to head back to Forks. Edward was still giving me the cold shoulder and I didn't understand why.
Let me rephrase. I did understand, but I disagreed with his reasoning.
The drive home was tense. Edward's hands were gripping the steering wheel and his knuckles were white. We pulled into the driveway. John and Grace went inside, mumbling that they were exhausted. The scurried up the stairs after I told them to hang up their clothes. I tossed off my coat and walked to the kitchen. Edward was there, drinking some scotch.
"Are you going to give me a reason for treating me like shit?" I spat. "If this is because I stayed with my children, then we are going to have some issues, Cullen."
He slammed the glass down and glared at the countertop. "I'm just angry about everything."
"Bullshit," I snapped.
He blinked up at me, his green eyes swirling with anger and betrayal. "I was pissed that you stayed out with John and Grace. Emmett told me that I was being an asshole and I'll admit that I am. But, I needed you, Bella. I had to see my mom … dead … alone."
"You weren't alone, Edward. Your dad was there, as was Emmett and Rose. I love you, Edward, but John and Grace, they needed me. They're grieving just as much as you are. They're feeling the same pain and they needed my comfort. You lost your mom. John and Grace needed their mom. They want you, too, but you've been distant. I get it. Truly, I do. But, acting like I'm the scum of the earth? No … that shit don't fly."
He frowned, twisting his glass. "I'm sorry, Bella. I don't … I'm at a loss as to what I'm doing."
"I can tell," I grumped. "You're hurting. So are John and Grace. So am I." He closed his eyes and tears fell down his cheeks. He shakily walked toward me, tugging me into his arms. He apologized, his fingers digging into my back and buried in my hair. I sighed, returning his embrace. "Come on, Edward. We've got to get up early tomorrow for the funeral."
"I am sorry, Bella. I just hate feeling so …" he said, his hands cupping my face. "I needed you."
"And, so did John and Grace. We're all grieving, baby," I whispered. "Edward, you have to understand, this is the second big loss my children have experienced. They get it, but they don't. We're adults. It sucks. I get it, but they need us more."
"You probably think I'm a selfish asshole," he muttered.
"I'm not happy with you, but I totally understand how you feel. I'm tired and I've got a migraine from crying," I said, wriggling out of his arms. "I need to take something for this headache and get some sleep." He nodded, his eyes impossibly sad. I walked upstairs and picked up my pajamas. I went into the bathroom, closing the door and sitting down on the edge of the bathtub. I bit my lip, trying not to cry. Unfortunately, I failed and I choked out a sob, covering my face in my hands to stifled the sound. I wasn't as quiet as I thought because Edward opened the door, seeing me crying, almost hysterically. He pulled me into his arms and rocked me as I cried against his shoulder. He continued to apologize, whispering words of love and grief.
When I calmed down, we both got dressed for bed and Edward curled around me, his ear pressed to my breast bone. "I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me," he whispered in the darkness, his hands on my ribcage. "I am a selfish asshole, but in my grief, I'd forgotten that you're also dealing with my mom's death and trying to keep it together for John and Grace."
"I forgive you, Edward," I murmured, running my fingers in his thick hair. "But, I think you need to talk to Shelly."
He huffed out a breath, nodding against my chest. "Maybe, we can both speak to her?"
"After the funeral, I'll make us an appointment," I said.
"Sweetness?"
"Hmmmm?"
"I love you," he cried, tightening his arms around me. "I am so sorry. I was so blinded by … I just miss her."
"No more apologies, baby," I sniffled, draping my arms over his broad shoulders. "I love you, too. Now, get some sleep. Please?" He nodded, curling closer to me and sighing deeply. Within a few minutes, he was down for the count. I ran my fingers through his hair and finally allowed myself to cry, truly cry over everything that was happening. I just prayed that I could make it through tomorrow.
xx PutP xx
The next morning, we were up with the birds. Edward didn't want to eat and my stomach was unsettled. The kids had cereal and yogurt while I was talking with Emmett. Rose was feeling run-down and her blood pressure was elevated. Emmett was freaking out that something was going to happen to his wife.
Rose was staying home, in bed, with a friend of theirs. She was upset about missing the funeral, but her pregnancy was already precarious. High blood pressure was not something to be trifled with. If it continued to stay high, Emmett was going to take Rose to the hospital to be checked out. I prayed it was nothing. We needed some good news, not the possibility of Rose losing her baby.
"The limo will be here in a little bit," Edward said, looking down at his cell phone. "We're riding to the funeral parlor and then back to the church here in Forks, with the grave side service after that. When we're finished with the service, the limo is driving us to Tuscany for the luncheon."
"Kids, I need you to finish your breakfast and brush your teeth," I said, taking a sip of my coffee. I wrinkled my nose, tossing it into the sink.
"You live off coffee," Edward said, his brow arched.
"Tastes funny," I shrugged. I quickly brushed my teeth in the downstairs bathroom and put on some lip gloss.
Edward slid behind me, his arms around my waist. He kissed just behind my ear. "I heard you crying, sweetness," he whispered. "I felt it. I know I've been leaning on you, lately, but you can lean on me. My actions yesterday were … I was an asshole."
"We're both struggling with Esme's death," I said, turning in his arms. "And, to be honest, I've been so used to dealing with grief on my own."
"You don't have to," he said, his thumb caressing under my eyes and wiping an errant tear. He held me close until the doorbell rang. "Crap. That's the limo."
"Can you get the kids?" I asked. "I just need a few minutes."
He nodded, kissing me sweetly before ducking out of the bathroom. I blew out a few breaths and popped in a piece of gum before leaving the bathroom. I put on my black overcoat and picked up my purse. We all clambered into the black limo. Emmett and Carlisle were already inside. Emmett looked anxious, clearly worried about his wife. Carlisle was just in a daze. His eyes were glassed over and he idly spun his wedding band on his finger. John and Grace sidled up to Carlisle. He did look at them adoringly, hugging them close. When they were buckled, the car pulled away from the curb and drove to Port Angeles.
Inside, we were greeted by a packed funeral parlor. John and Grace went to my parents, but I was surprised to see Billy standing next to them. He gave me a grin. Edward walked over to him, shaking his hand. Billy didn't want that. He hugged my husband, whispering in his ear and Edward nodded. I kissed Billy's cheek. "Thank you for coming," I breathed.
"I wasn't sure I could make it, but I managed to get a flight out yesterday. I got in a little after nine. I spent the night in your parents' guest room. I was welcomed into the family. I needed to show my respects to Esme," Billy said quietly. "I'm here until tomorrow, but I've got to fly back early."
"We both appreciate it, Billy. Thank you," Edward said. With another round of hugs, we sat down in the front of the funeral parlor. A few words were said about Esme and the crowd of people paid their final respects.
When the room was empty, save for Carlisle, Emmett, Edward and me, we went up to say our final goodbyes. Emmett went first, putting a sonogram of their baby into her hands. He kissed her forehead, murmuring his love for his mother. He stepped back so Edward and I could say our goodbyes. We were silent in our prayers. I was too busy crying. Edward was crying, too, but he reached into his suit pocket and put a picture from our wedding day. He kissed her cheek. "I love you, Mommy," he choked out. "Thank you for being … well, you."
We got up and waited for Carlisle. He knelt in front of her, his fingers caressing her cheeks. His lips were moving, but his words were too quiet to be heard and too intimate. Edward pulled me to his body as I sniffled. He held me close and led me out of the parlor.
The rest of the funeral was, honestly, a blur. I was an emotional wreck. I barely got through the two readings I had to do since Rose was at home, having her blood pressure monitored. The one thing I was sure of was the amount of people who came out to celebrate Esme's life. The church was packed. She was clearly loved and respected in Forks.
When the service was done, only the family and a few invited guests went out to the burial plot. It was raining, misting as we huddled around the Cullen family plot. Her casket, complete with a pink floral spray atop it, were lowered into the ground. Pastor Weber said a quiet prayer for her before tossing a white rose into the ground. We all did the same and went back to our cars. Carlisle stayed near the granite headstone, twisting his flower. With a sigh, he kissed the flower and threw it into the grave.
Esme was gone, but never would be forgotten. She was loved by her family, her friends and respected by acquaintances. She truly was a pillar of the community, but I was lucky enough to have her as my friend.
xx PutP xx
I returned to work after spring break. My children met with Jane for grief counseling and Edward and I had couple's therapy with Shelly. We also met with Shelly individually. I went every other week, while my husband saw her weekly. Jasper, Alice's husband, was also talking to Edward and put him on a mild sedative since he was having nightmares about his mother's death and losing me.
"We need to finalize plans for field day," Alice chirped. She sat down at the table in her office. "Do you have the email for the inflatables?"
"We're good to go on the last full day of school," I said, handing her the final approval email from the rental company. "I'm just working on the rotations as we speak. We do need some more parental involvement. The PTO volunteer list is sorely lacking."
"I'll send out another email blast," Alice nodded. "How's Edward?"
"Better. Still clingy, but it's understandable," I shrugged.
"And Rose?"
"Hating every moment of bed rest," I laughed. "Thankfully, she's only got less than a month. But, according to her doctor, she's been having contractions and her blood pressure is still rising."
"Isn't it too early?" Alice asked.
"A little, but they're helping the baby along by giving her steroid injections," I answered. "I rushed to have her baby shower at the hospital. Emmett was freaking out."
"I wish I could have been there," Alice pouted. "Jazzy's mom had back surgery. We flew out and were back in two days since he had the appointment with Edward."
"Well, Rose loved the baby bag filled with all the goodies, Alice. You still spoiled her and her baby," I said. I picked up my mug, wrinkling my nose. "I need to take this home. It smells like moldy coffee grinds."
"Yeah, what is it with the tea?" Alice said, taking my mug and sniffing it. "I only smell raspberry herbal tea." I shrugged, pushing the mug away. "Bella, could you be pregnant?"
"What? No," I snorted. "I had a period last week. A light period, but a period."
She shook her head. "Ooookay," she snickered. We finalized field day and then went out for bus duty. As I was waving to the drivers, my cell phone chirped. Rose is going in for a C-section. BP sky high. Meet me and Dad at the hospital in Port Angeles ~ Edward
My eyes widened and I called my mom to pick up John and Grace. They waited with me in the front circle as I told them about meeting their new baby cousin. I was also nauseous, worried for Rose. She had preeclampsia and it was a serious condition. I was borderline with Grace, but never had to have a C-section, but my blood pressure was monitored. With kisses and hugs, I watched as John and Grace clambered into my mom's Lexus.
"Why are the munchkins going with Renee?" Alice asked.
"Rose is having the baby. Today," I said. "I'm heading to the hospital in Port Angeles. Thank goodness, it's Friday."
"Call me with the details, Hells Bells," Alice smiled, hugging me. In my ear, she whispered. "Get a pregnancy test."
"Alice, you're crazy," I said, pulling out my keys.
"Humor me," she shrugged. "Have a good weekend, sweetie."
Rolling my eyes, I went to my car and just to prove Alice wrong, I picked up a pregnancy test. Stuffing it into my purse, I drove to Port Angeles and parked next to Carlisle's Mercedes. I walked into the hospital and asked the receptionist where the maternity ward was. She gave me directions. I made my way to the ward but stopped in the bathroom on the way. "Alice, you're wrong," I said, taking the pregnancy test. I put it on the counter as I washed my hands. I picked it up, looking at the display.
Two pink lines.
"Holy crap," I squeaked. Shaking my head, I stuffed the test into the pocket of my jacket. I saw Carlisle first and he was sitting in the waiting area. "Carlisle …?"
"Bella," he smiled, standing up and giving me a hug. He looked better, healthier. He was also seeing Shelly. He was still on medical leave but was planning on returning to the hospital in the summer, on a part-time basis. We went over to his house on the weekends for dinner and every couple of nights, he'd come to eat dinner with Edward and me or Emmett and Rose. Charlie and Renee also looked in on him, too. "Emmett's back there with Rose. They just brought her in."
"I thought that fathers weren't usually allowed in the surgical suite in these cases," I said.
"With Emmett being a doctor, they made an exception," Carlisle replied. "Edward's on the phone with Mark, asking him to pull a double since he wants to be here for the birth of his niece or nephew."
"Will Rose be okay?" I asked.
"She will. From what her OB said, they're catching it early. The baby is nearly full-term," Carlisle smiled, sitting us down. "I just want to know if they're having a boy or a girl."
"Rose said that there are so few surprises in the world," I said, squeezing his hand. "How are you?"
"Every day is a struggle, but with such wonderful children and friends, it's getting better," Carlisle nodded. "Shelly Cope is a godsend, to be honest."
"She is. I think we're all seeing her," I chuckled. "Me? Not as much, but Edward's going weekly."
"Emmett's been in a few times, but he's much more easy-going. Plus, he's been focused on Rosalie and the baby," Carlisle said. "And understandably so."
"Quit flirting with my wife, old man," Edward joked as he walked into the waiting area. He was dressed in his uniform, looking very handsome and authoritative. I licked my lips, wanting him to frisk me. Where did that come from? Edward sat down next to me, pressing a kiss to my cheek. "The kids okay?"
"With my parents," I breathed, melting against him.
"You should have brought them," Carlisle frowned.
"They would not have lasted long," I snickered. "Friday night in a hospital waiting room? It's like getting a cavity filled without Novocain. You can see them when we bring them over on Sunday."
"Okay, okay," he chuckled.
We chatted in the waiting room for an hour. Carlisle asked the nurse what the status was for Rosalie and they were in delivery room but wouldn't be done for some time. We decided to get something to eat in the cafeteria. I picked at my soup and salad, wrinkling my nose at the smell. Carlisle and Edward devoured their sandwiches, completely oblivious to my bird-like appetite. After our subpar dinner, we went back up to the waiting room. I read a book on my cell phone while Edward was watching March Madness on the television with his dad.
The doors opened and Emmett came out. He was dressed in green scrubs. His curly hair covered by a surgeon's cap. He smiled brightly. "Rose and the baby are okay. As soon as the baby was out, her BP went down. She's being closed up as we speak and the NICU is checking out the baby."
"So, I'm an uncle?" Edward asked.
"You are, man," Emmett breathed. Edward stood up, giving his brother a hug. He turned to me, kissing my cheek and hugging me. Emmett looked at his dad, who was sitting quietly. He was crying. Emmett took out his phone, showing it to Carlisle. "You're a grandpa, Dad."
"Boy or a girl?" Carlisle asked, looking at the pictures, a soft smile on his face.
"A baby boy," Emmett said, his voice reverent. "Now, I'm going to check on him. We should be settled back into the room in another hour."
"Aren't you going to tell us the name?" Edward asked.
"Rose wants to," Emmett nodded. He darted back through the doors he burst through.
I noticed that Carlisle still had Emmett's phone. We fawned over the pictures. Rose and Emmett's new baby was healthy with ten fingers, ten toes and a head full of curly brown hair. A nurse came out an hour later and we went back to the private suite. Rose was in bed, looking a little loopy, but happy. Emmett was holding a tiny bundle in his arms. I kissed Rose on the cheek. "You okay?"
"I'm numb from the waist down. They gave me a spinal, but I'm good. Happy," she smiled. "It was a tough pregnancy, but when I saw him? It was so worth it."
Emmett put the baby into Carlisle's arms, who smiled brightly at the baby. He rocked back and forth, his fingers caressing his cheeks. "What's this angel's name?" Carlisle whispered.
"We're honoring the godparents," Rose said. "We've already spoken to Edward and Bella and they're going to be the godparents to Anthony Jacob."
"AJ for short," Emmett said. "Anthony is for Edward and Jacob is for Bella."
Carlisle smiled and turned, putting the tiny baby in my arms. "Hello, AJ," I whispered. "Welcome to the world, little man." Edward looked at the baby, his eyes so soft. I smiled tenderly, kissing AJ's forehead. "Uncle Edward, it's your turn."
"Oh, God, I'm going to drop him," Edward groaned. I slid AJ into his arms and he was stiff. "He's okay?"
"He's okay," I chuckled. Blinking up to my husband, I caught his green eyes. I caressed his cheek. Quietly, so Rose and Emmett couldn't hear me, I leaned in and whispered, "Consider this practice."
"Practice?" Edward asked.
"For our baby," I said, tucking the soft, baby blue blanket around AJ.
"Bella?" he breathed. "What are you saying?"
"It's not official yet, but Alice mentioned something in passing and I picked up a pregnancy test," I said. "It was positive. I need to see my doctor, but it makes sense."
"A baby," he sniffled, tears welling in his eyes. I nodded. He leaned forward, brushing his lips over mine and giving me the most beautiful smile. "I love you, Mrs. Cullen."
"I love you more, Daddyward," I giggled. He just beamed.
"Uncle Edward! Quit hogging my kid," Emmett joked.
Edward turned and handed AJ back to his father, only to enfold me into his arms, kissing my neck and pressing his hands to my flat tummy. His smile against my lips made my heart jump and I knew, everything was going to be alright.
A/N: So, to be very honest, this chapter was tough for me. Writing the funeral? Brought up some not-so-pleasant memories from my own mother's death. But, we got some good news … Now, we're going to have one more real chapter with the celebration of the newest baby (the little nugget for Edward and Bella), the honeymoon and nugget's birth. This next chapter will span about a year. Think of it as a pre-epilogue. We'll have the epi after that and then, this story will be marked complete.
Pictures of Esme's funeral are on my blog and on my Facebook page: Tufano79's Twilight Fanfiction Appreciation. You can also find me on twitter: tufano79. Leave me some! Thanks for reading and for your patience.
