SM Owns. Nuff Said.
Huge thanks to Lynn Pepper and MytwoGalsPal. Wouldn't be able to do this without you!
So, here's the deal; I'm working full time. I have two kids in school with homework. I don't find as much energy as I like to have, to put into writing- which I love. But life, ya know priorites and all - kinda sucks. I can't do without sleep - even with the adderall my Doctor and boss - prescribe me. SO If the updates have gotten more scarce, it's not because we have forgotten or given up - we are trying best we can. Only about 10 chapters to go.
Chapter 29: Parties and Tests
BPOV
"Wow," Gage says, removing a paintbrush from between his teeth. "You look great."
I could say the same for him. There's something very sensuous about the jean clad, shirtless man sitting behind a canvas in my childhood bedroom. He hasn't shaved in days and the scruff on his face is quite the contrast to the nerdy sexiness of his glasses.
I smile nervously, not at his compliment, but because there's a strong possibility I will see Edward today and the thought alone is wreaking havoc on my mind. Edward and my brother have become good friends over the last year and I assume he was invited to the party, too. While Edward and I have been talking very easily through Facebook and texts, being in the same room with him will be completely different.
"Thanks," I say, walking toward him. He reaches out and places a hand on my hip. "Are you sure you don't want to come? I hate leaving you by yourself."
"I'll be fine. I really wanna work on this," he says as he points at the canvas with his brush. "If I finish before you get back, I'll give you a call."
I nod. "Maybe we can go to the beach or get something to eat afterward. I left the address and phone number over on my nightstand."
" Okay. Now, you better get out of here while you still can. Those heels...your legs..." he says with a smirk, pulling me closer. I run my hand down his chest, and smile at him as he squeezes my ass.
"I've gotta go or I'm gonna be late," I whisper against his lips. I kiss him chastely, and smile when he groans as I pull away.
"Have fun, babe," he says as I turn to walk out of the room.
UtB
Moments later I pull into Emmett's and Rose's driveway and park next to a car I don't recognize. I exit my car and head to the front door. I raise my hand to knock but the door swings open before my fist can even make contact. Emmett stands in the doorway with a huge smile on his face and my adorable nephew on his hip. I immediately think I may have to start calling Cayden "Mini-Me" because he looks so much like my brother. Then I think my heart might pop when Cayden's smile grows wider and he holds his arms out for me to take him.
"Hey, sis. You're early," Em says, stepping aside so I can enter the house. I reach out to hug him and take Cayden at the same time. Emmett leans out the door and looks around before asking, "Where's lover boy?"
I can't help but roll my eyes at his comment. I don't know if it's simply his overprotective nature kicking in or if there's some other reason, but Emmett does not like Gage. When I asked Em what his problem was, he just shrugged it off and quickly changed the subject.
"Working. He'll stop by later."
"Oh. About that..." Emmett says hesitantly, reaching up to scratch the back of his neck.
Before he can say anything else I hear someone squeal my name. I turn toward the sound and see Alice running toward me. We wrap our arms around each other in greeting. Now the unfamiliar car in the drive makes sense. She explains that she and her baby girl, Stella, came to visit Edward. When Rose found out they were in town she invited them to the party.
As Alice and I chatter I hear, "Hey, Bella," and look up to see Rose. She leans in to give me a hug also and whispers, "Edward's here. No big deal, I just didn't want you to be caught off-guard."
I nod my head as she pulls away. I knew there was a chance I'd see him, but I was hoping I'd get here first and have some time to settle in and prepare myself. Before I can give it much thought Alice and Rose pull me into the backyard to help with the decorations.
The first thing I see is as I walk into the yard is Edward holding Stella in his arms. He's smiling down at her and looks to be talking even. If I had a camera it would make a perfect picture. As if he feels me staring, he looks straight up at me and smiles pleasantly. I smile back, wave and mouth the word "hi". He returns the wordless greeting and continues to hold my gaze.
Rose must sense my anxiety because see grabs me and leads me to the waiting decorations. In moments I'm completely caught up in my task and sufficiently distracted from Edward for the time being.
UtB
The party was a great success and we've moved into clean-up mode. I offered to clean inside while Rose and Alice focus on the yard. That's why I'm elbow deep in soapy water when I hear my phone alert me of an incoming text as it sits on the counter. The message says that Gage is on his way over. I turn my focus back to the dishes.
"Hey," Edward calls from behind me, his voice soft and but clear in the quiet. I turn and he hands me another dish. "Need some help?" he asks, grabbing a towel and one of the wet plates waiting to be dried. I just nod and offer a small smile in reply
We work side by side without talking for a while but eventually the silence gets to me. "How have you been?" I ask.
"Good. I'm not sure if I'm ready for school to start again. Two months just fly by," he says with a laugh.
There's another lull in conversation but I'm waiting for Edward. I can tell there is something on his mind and he'll get to it if I'm patient. I know I'm right when he reaches up and runs one of his hands through his hair.
"Could we go somewhere...to talk?" he asks quietly.
Every part of me wants to say yes, but Gage will be here soon. It would be wrong to ditch him to talk to Edward.
"Um…not right now." My statement sounds more like a question and I start to explain as I see the look of hurt on his face. "Gage is on his way over so we can paint Cayden's room." He nods but continues to look disappointed, and I can't handle that. "I can call you when we finish and maybe we could get together then?"
"Sure," he replies, but it sounds like there's a hint of disbelief in his voice, like he thinks I'm blowing him off.
The two of us finish the chore quickly and the atmosphere in the room becomes oppressive and heavy. We need to fill the empty space in the room now that we no longer have the dishes to occupy us. I'm about to pass out when Edward finally asks, "So, how was Europe?"
"It was amazing but it's hard to be around society people for that long without going a little bit nuts." We both chuckle at my admission
"So…Gage. You're happy, right?" he asks gently. By the look on his face I can tell there's no hidden meaning behind the question. Right now he is just one friend checking on another friend's life. I nod in reply because even though I know I can be myself, it still feels weird to discuss that part of my life with him.
"Good. I just wanted…" I never find out what Edward wanted because he's cut off by Emmett's booming voice as he enters the kitchen.
"Oh, Bella-boo! Your lover boy's here..." Emmett takes one look at Edward and stops his sing-songy teasing and makes a choking sound to cover up his blunder. Could his timing be any worse? "Uh…I mean Gage is here. He's in the living room talking to Mom."
I nod and mumble thanks, shoving the dish towel I use to dry my hands into my brother's chest as I walk out of the room.
I walk into the living room and spot my paint covered boyfriend talking to my mom. As I enter their personal space he laces his fingers with mine and kisses my temple. The way he looks down at me makes me feel so warm inside.
"Farrah overnighted a package to me. It came to your place about an hour ago." Gage tells me, with a smile he can't conceal even if he wanted to. I can tell he's trying to convey this tough guy, who-gives-a-shit attitude that guys often use whenever anything good happens to them, but he's failing miserably. Boys and their hesitance to show any emotion is something I don't think I will ever understand.
"Oh?" I ask, wondering what would be important enough to send overnight that would also make him smile so wide it looks like his face is about to crack.
"The painting I did…in Europe," he prompts, raising his eyebrows in emphasis. I nod, immediately knowing which painting he's referring to. "It made the cover of Art magazine next month. She sent me the advanced copy."
"No way!" I exclaim, wrapping him in a hug. "That is amazing!"
"I know," he admits, laughing into my neck. He squeezes me tighter and whispers, "Thanks to you," into my ear. His warm breath sends shivers up my spine.
"Well, did you bring it with you?" my mom inquires.
Everyone has gravitated toward us and our mini celebration. I feel my face heat up as I look around the room, If Gage did bring the magazine, my family is about to see a side of me they never have before.
Gage points to my American Eagle canvas bag sitting on the floor close by. "I figured you wouldn't want to paint in that outfit so I brought you a change of clothes…but the magazine is right on top."
His thoughtfulness makes me smile. I reach down and grab the magazine out of the bag. I feel so proud of his accomplishment as I see his name superimposed over an image of the painting. Despite those feelings, I'm torn about passing this around right now. It's not that I'm embarrassed for others to see the image, but I would rather not be in the same room when they do.
I finally swallow my pride and pass the publication to the person standing next to me. I try to act comfortable while my family looks at my boyfriend's painting of a topless girl. I try to convince myself that it's really no big deal; it's art after all.
Emmett's the only one to show…disapproval…over the painting. He takes one look at the cover, tosses it onto the coffee table, and presses he heels of his hands into his eyes. After a couple deep breaths he drops his arms to his side and eyes first me, then Gage.
"Really?" he finally asks, sarcastically.
"Emmett," Mom warns.
"It's just a piece of art…" I mumble.
"You're right," he says with a nod. "It's a nice painting, Gage. It'd be even nicer if it wasn't my sister's tits I was looking at."
"Well, thank you Em, for so kindly pointing that detail out to everyone," I huff.
"Shit, Bella! I should not have to see you…" Emmett stumbles, looking for the right words. "…like that!" he finally settles, flinging his hand toward the image on the table.
"When are you going to get your own life and stop trying to control how I live mine?" I ask harshly, stepping toward him.
My progress is halted when Gage grabs my arm. As I shake his grip off and turn to get away from Emmett I notice Edward staring at the cover. He looks up at me, then over at Gage. "That's amazing. Congratulations," Edward states, offering Gage his hand.
Gage shakes Edward's hand and says, "Thanks," as Edward hands the magazine back.
I feel extremely awkward in this moment so I decide to leave the room. "I'm going to get changed," I whisper to Gage.
As I pick up my canvas bag and turn to leave the room I notice Edward standing just outside the living room, nursing a beer. He is right next to the hallway that leads to the bathroom. I decide to make my move before I lose my nerve, so I grab his arm as I walk past him and pull him down the hall with me.
I stop in front of the bathroom door, put my hand on the knob, then turn to face him. The hallway is dark and quite, especially compared to the room we just left. He is standing so close I can feel the heat coming off his body, his warmth hitting me in waves as his breathing becomes shallow and labored.
"So, tonight around ten…under the boardwalk?" I ask, trying to ignore the way my body naturally responds to his. Just inches separate us, leading to temptation I didn't expect. I watch his Adam's apple bob as he swallows, nodding his head in agreement. Before I can do anything I will regret, I turn the door knob and slip into the safety of the bathroom.
By the time I exit the bathroom most of the guests have left the house and Gage and I head for Cayden's room. We are going to paint a mural on the bedroom wall. After much consideration we decided to paint his name against a faux brick wall. If it comes out right it should look like graffiti. Hopefully it will be something that will grow with him.
After working for a while I hear clinking behind me. I recognize the sound of the mixing ball inside a can of spray paint and realize Gage is about to get started on the lettering. He insisted that it had to be spray paint for the authentic look of graffiti. I look away from the section of brick I am working and see Gage pop the top off the can out of the corner of my eye. He steps back to get a better view. The problem with that is that his gaze is locked on me. I stop completely and turn to look at him.
"What?" I ask.
"Oh, just trying to figure out where I should begin." His eyes move back to the wall in contemplation.
I shrug, but no sooner do I turn back to my work when I feel a cold blast of air against my butt and the back of my thighs. I look over my shoulder, trying to see what happened. That's when I notice the blue line zigzagging over the ass of my shorts and continuing across my skin. "You didn't?" I ask in shock.
"I did," he shrugs nonchalantly.
"You are gonna pay for that!" I warn as I dip my brush into the wet paint and try to wipe it down the side of his face. He grabs me, pinning my arms down to my side, and I feel my feet leave the floor.
"You think you are so smart and sneaky." He shakes his head at me in amusement. I roll my eyes at the fact that my threat has no effect of him.
"Just put me down," I state calmly.
"Or what?" he teases.
"I'll yell for Emmett."
I cock my head to the side and smile smugly as he grumbles something along the lines of, "Let's not give your brother any more reasons to kick my sorry little ass," as he puts me down.
"He's just protective," I defend.
"No, he just wants you with his new besty, Edward," Gage sulks.
"He does not, silly boy," I respond, tapping my finger to his nose and leaving a smear of paint before I turn back to the wall.
I blow off the comment, but it does make me wonder. Is that what Emmett wants now that he knows Edward? I begin to paint again but I notice our playful banter has been replaced with a lingering silence so thick it makes it almost painful to be in the room.
"I wouldn't give a shit if I didn't think you wanted that too," Gage finally adds, breaking the horrible silence.
"Are you really worried about Edward?" I ask as I paint. It's not as if Gage doesn't know about my past with Edward but we've never really talked about how it might affect our future together.
"It doesn't matter," he mutters, kicking at the tarp on the floor.
I stop my work and turn back to him. "You're right. It doesn't matter because I'm here…with you. If that doesn't speak for itself then I don't know what to say."
He nods, but still doesn't make eye contact with me. "Let's just forget I brought it up. I was just being stupid."
The problem is that we can't forget it now that someone brought it up. No matter how hard we try to put it behind us and get back to our fun time together, the thought still sticks around, buzzing in our heads like an annoying fly. It colors every word and deed for the rest of the evening.
Utb
That night is the first time I ever blatantly lie to Gage. I tell him I'm going to meet Riley alone because it's the only time his friendship still feels real to me. Whenever Kelsey is around, we have to pretend she knows Riley better than I do so she won't get upset. Gage believes me because that's one of the things I complained about to him and Jamie. The truth of the matter is that Gage obviously feels threatened by Edward and I don't want to fight about it.
I slide on jeans and a white t-shirt after my shower. My hair is still damp as I lean over to offer Gage a peck on the lips, but I don't care. "I won't be long," I assure him.
As I walk outside I realize that it's colder than I expected and it gets worse the closer I get to the ocean. I have to duck as I walk under the boardwalk from the street because the elements have made a sand pile the size of a small mountain. As soon as I can I stand up tall and I take a deep breath, savoring the salty air. As I stand there with my eyes closed, I notice another familiar scent wafting to me. I realize it's the sweet smell of Edward and I open my eyes to take him in.
The mixture of both scents tells me I am truly home.
I smile as he turns toward me. "Hi," I whisper softly.
He walks toward me. Without speaking he wraps me in his arms and buries his head in my hair. His grip tightens as he finally says, "Hi." I can feel the relief in his voice as if it were a physical touch. The way we greeted each other at the party was a watered down, weakened version. This is our real hello.
As we break apart he notices the goose bumps on my bare arms. He rubs his hands along my arms twice and says, "You must be freezing."
"A little," I admit. "I didn't realize it was this chilly when I left the hotel...and I didn't go back for a jacket because I didn't want to keep you waiting."
He smiles and shakes his head, then reaches behind his neck to pull his sweatshirt off. I feel a tinge of guilt over my excitement as his t-shirt rises and I catch a glimpse of skin and his treasure trail. Memories flash through my mind and I remember how much I enjoyed running my tongue down that very path. I stop myself just before I tell him how beautiful he is.
I know better than to argue as he hands me the sweatshirt so I simply bite my bottom lip and say, "Thank you." I put it on and then we sit down, side by side, in the sand. I pull my legs up to my chest and wrap my arms around them. Then I rest my cheek on my knees so I can stare at Edward. This quiet doesn't feel oppressive or painful. It only feels comfortable and right.
"I missed you this summer…this year, actually," he begins in a subdued tone.
I never really explained why I stayed away this summer even though I had given him every indication that I would be home at the end of the school year. "I'm so sorry, Edward. I -"
"Bella," he interrupts. "Please don't apologize for living your life. I guess a lot changed while you were in Europe?"
I look out toward the water and nod because that is quite the loaded question. I don't feel the need to explain my feelings for Gage, not like I did when it was Riley. I also want to call Edward a lair right now for claiming to miss me. As far as I know, Edward spent the better part of the year angry at me. Instead I take a deep breath and start to explain what weighs on my mind.
"I spent a lot of time coming to grips with this past year and I know 'sorry' will never be enough to express how I feel, Edward. It all happened and there's nothing I can do about it short of creating a machine that will rewind time so I can change a million things. All I could do besides say sorry...was to give you my journal so maybe you could see how much it hurt me too."
Edward draws my attention back to him by placing his hand on my arm. "I need to talk to you about that."
"I don't have much to say about it at this point."
"You don't have to. This is about something I should have stopped and figured out last year. Unfortunately, I was so wrapped up in my own hurt and anger that I couldn't see it."
I shake my head in confusion. "I don't understand. Figured out what?" I question.
"Look," Edward says as he runs his hand through his hair, nervously. I can tell he's afraid of how I will react to what he's going to say by the way he looks into my eyes. "I didn't even open your journal for months. I'm not - I'm having a hard time with all of this because I am mad at myself, not you, because I didn't handle the situation well. I'm upset that I wasn't there for you and know I don't know how this information might affect you...but I think it's only fair to let you come to your own conclusions."
I stare at him blankly. "What conclusions?"
He runs his hand through his hair again, I think more out of frustration this time and he sighs heavily. "If I meet a girl one night at a bar or some social event and she is so drunk that she's walking into walls...I wouldn't try and sleep with her because her ability to make that kind of decision is obviously going to be impaired, too."
Once he finishes his statement he just stares at me expectantly. Unfortunately, I have no idea what he wants me to say so I just go with my instincts. "Well, stuff happens. If you get that drunk you have to be ready to deal with the consequences."
Edward shakes his head forcefully. "Bella, I read your journal. I talked to Dean about that night. You told him on the way up to his room that you did not want to have sex. He acted like he always does, like he respected your decision, but what was the first thing he did when you got up there? He got you another drink, didn't he?"
This looks like one more way Edward is trying to make me feel like a child. Does he want me to say that Dean took advantage of me so he can feel better about the whole situation? "I didn't have to accept the drink, Edward. I'm a grown woman and I could have said no if I didn't want the drink."
"I'm going to be blunt, Bella. How much of that night do you remember?" he asks, turning his whole body toward mine.
I huff and shake my head, remembering as much as I can.
Dean's lips on mine. His body pressing against me. I stiffen as he tries to get me to lie back on the bed.
"Slow down," I say as his lips move on to my neck. He brazenly puts his hand on my covered breast and squeezes harder than is comfortable.
"You know you want this," he grunts.
The room is spinning and I am afraid to open my eyes. I'm afraid to move. I think I must have passed out for a while because the next thing I remember is being naked beneath him.
I try to push him off, shaking my head in protest. "Stop," I slur.
"I like your little game of hard to get," he says as he smiles down at me, holding my wrists above my head. "Just be a good girl, and I'll make sure we both feel good tonight."
"Dean, I -" is all I can say before his hand covers my mouth
I closed my eyes, there didn't seem to be anything I could do to stop him at this point. I shouldn't have been so stupid. If I hadn't let my anger at Edward rule me I wouldn't be in this situation. I'm here though...and I have no idea how to make him stop.
In a soft, steady voice Edward explains, "He admitted that you told him to stop, Bella. He took advantage of you. It doesn't matter how drunk you willingly got you still had the right to say no. You did what you could to make him stop but your couldn't fight him off because you're smaller and weaker than him. You being drunk made his goal easier, but it did not make it right." His tone begs me to believe his words, but I can't do that. I close my eyes and shake my head in denial.
I did everything I could to block out my memories of that night. I just chalked it up as one more mistake I never wanted to repeat; a life lesson learned. One thing I did not think of it as...was rape, but that is exactly the label Edward is using. My tears are too thick and coming to fast to be held back by my closed eyes, and they begin to escape and run down my cold cheeks.
Edward reaches over and pulls me into his arms. "So I'm sorry. I'm sorry I never told him your name. I'm sorry that I waited so long to listen to you. I hate the idea of anyone hurting you...especially like that...and especially someone I considered a good friend."
I don't even have words. I just lean into him and let him hold me. I feel his hand stroking my hair and every so often his lips touch my head delicately.
I must fall asleep against him because the next thing I know I wake up screaming from a nightmare that I haven't had in quite a while. I guess talking about Dean brought out all my old fears.
"Iz! Izzy!" Edward says, shaking me. "Wake up, baby. It's just a dream."
We are both on our backs in the sand and my head is resting on his chest. I tilt my head up to look at him in confusion. Hearing him call me baby and Izzy...it's like a dream come true. It definitely helps distract me from the nightmare.
"Crap..." I mumble, noticing the sun peeking over the water.
"Yeah, we feel asleep. Sorry. I'm sure someone is worried about you."
"Shit." I begin searching for my cell phone. There are a few missed calls from Gage. I push my hair back off my face with a sigh and look at Edward. "I have to -"
He reaches out and takes my hand. "Don't say it. Please don't walk away from me," he pleads with both his words and his eyes. "I have been waiting for this time with you for what feels like forever."
My stomach is in knots. My inability to say no to him is going to cause heartache for someone else. I feel like life is testing me. Can I handle this better than I did before?
EPOV
It's been a little over a year since I have felt this complete. Having her in my arms and calling her baby is so natural. For a split second I feel the need to apologize for those things…she has a boyfriend after all and I shouldn't take such liberties. I refuse to say I'm sorry though, because it would be a lie. She will always be my baby regardless of any other attachments she may have. Her hand reaches out. I feel the warmth of her touch as her fingers lovingly stroke my cheek and jaw.
"I – um…just give me a few minutes to call Gage." I nod and watch as she turns and walks toward the ocean. The sun rising in front of her makes a glorious backdrop.
I can't hear what she's saying, but they don't appear to be arguing. That fact makes me feel a little better. I don't want to hurt anyone else, and I honestly don't think Bella would ever forgive me if that happened again anyway, but I need to know what happened between Valentine's Day and June.
I really thought we were making progress. I thought I could begin to show her how important she is too me once she returned home. Then she didn't come home and she became romantically involved with another man, leaving me completely confused. Did I say something that upset her? Does she feel more for Gage than she feels for me? Did she simply outgrow me while she was away? If I have to wait any longer for answers I will go insane.
I only realize I've been pacing and pulling at my hair when I stop to watch her walk back to me with her arms wrapped around her tiny frame. "Everything okay?" I ask.
"I told him I'd explain everything when I got home, but that I needed a little more time," she answers timidly.
More time. She's giving me more time. I'm so happy I can hardly think straight, let alone form a coherent sentence. "Let's...just…come back to my place. Please."
UtB
Bella follows behind me in her car. When we pull into my driveway, I rush over to open her car door out of habit. There is nothing but silence between us as we walk to the door though. I have so many things to say, and no idea where to start.
Once inside, Angel attacks Bella. She smiles as she reaches down and gently rubs Angel's ears, calming the dog instantly. I just chuckle at their happy reunion. It's like no time has elapsed between the two of them.
I offer to make some coffee, but quickly become distracted as Bella pulls off my sweatshirt. I get a glimpse of pink by her hip bone and the urge I feel to touch it makes me groan. It takes all the strength I have not to close the three step gap between us, push her up against the door and kiss her with every fiber of my being. Instead I turn and practically run to the kitchen to busy myself making coffee.
When I return, hot coffee in hand, she is sitting on the couch. "Thanks," she says, taking the steaming mug from me. I sit down on the opposite end of the couch, still clueless as to where to start.
"What are you feeling?" she whispers to me over the rim of her mug.
What am I feeling? I stare into my mug as if the answer is in there. I finally blurt out, "I'm scared."
"Scared of what?" she coaxes.
I look at her quickly but have to avert my eyes again before I answer. "I'm scared that the girl I encouraged to grow up has outgrown me."
From the corner of my eye I see her shake her head in protest. "That's not true at all," she argues.
"But I don't understand why you went to Europe then. I feel like that was your way of telling me you chose him over me. Why did you go?" I ask in aggravation.
"Because of Jane," she answers immediately.
"Jane?" I repeat, puzzled by her response.
She nods. "I didn't like the idea of you talking to me about where things could go between us while you were still with Jane."
"I understood that there could be no one else. I told Jane I couldn't be with her anymore last Valentine's Day. If you thought I was leading Jane on, why didn't you say that?" I'm frustrated beyond belief now but trying to control my emotions.
"You ended things with her on Valentine's Day?" She speaks the words through an unsteady intake of air. When she exhales, she mumbles an "Oh, God," and sounds as if she's on the verge of tears.
"What's wrong?" I ask, moving closer.
"What's wrong?" she echoes. "Everything is wrong. My choices were based on a Facebook relationship status and my inability to just ask you straight out what was going on. I thought…" Her voice cracks and she composes herself before going on. "I thought that if you really wanted me, you would end your relationship with Jane. And then Gage admitted that he hadn't messed around with a girl since November because he was waiting for me. And I thought..."
"His actions showed you how much he valued you," I interrupted. "And that I was just stringing Jane along until I could be with you again." Although I hate the fact that this is what drove her decision to stay away this summer it makes me feel good because it means she has not outgrown me. I sigh in relief and smile as I realize we may be able to fix this yet.
"Bella, I haven't thought about my relationship status on Facebook since the day Jane jokingly posted it. Jane and I were never a couple…we were just convenient for each other. We fooled around because we were comfortable with each other and we were both hurting because we were in love with someone else. It was stupid, and shallow, and after you and I talked on Valentine's Day I realized that every time Jane and I were together I actually felt emptier inside. I am so sorry I ever started that."
"What? Why are you smiling? This isn't…" She shakes her head in disbelief, or maybe confusion, as tears well up in her vulnerable brown eyes.
I cup her face in my hands. "I know, Iz. We lost a lot of time over some incredibly stupid things. Let's just move forward," I beg.
"Forward? What is forward, Edward?" she asks, as I use my thumb wipe away her tears.
"Forward is us…together, Bella." I close my eyes and shake my head vigorously. "Just answer one question. Do you want to be with me?" I ask fearfully.
A feeling of gloom hovers over my head again as I worry that she may pick him. He makes sense for her after all. I understand that they have the same interests, a strong friendship, and are close in age...but he does not love her like I do.
She whimpers and replies, "I have to go back to school in ten days..."
I place one of my fingers on her lips to stop her. "That's not what I asked you, Bella."
She opens and closes her mouth several times before she jumps up from the couch and says, "I have to talk to Gage."
I stand with her, take her hands in mine, and pull her close, leaving no space between us.
"Do what you need to do and then come back to me," I whisper, letting my lips touch hers ever so gently, then rest my forehead against hers. "I'll do whatever I have to do in order to make it…to make us…work this time. That's a promise."
She swallows and breathily responds, "I better go." Ever so slowly, she backs away from me.
I want to ask her what exactly she needs to talk to Gage about because then I might have a clue as to what she's thinking. Instead, I silently follow her to the front door. She reaches for the knob and I place my hand against the door, unable to let her go without some form of reassurance. Her brown eyes snap up to meet mine and I make my last plea. "Promise me that no matter happens, no matter what you choose, that you will come back to talk to me."
Her delicate hand caresses my cheek as she firmly replies, "I promise." She rises up on the tips of her toes. The movement causes a fresh wave of her scent to wash over me. I close my eyes, savoring how good she smells. Very gently, her lips touch my jaw and I'm done for.
I remove my hand from the door and let her go. Unfortunately, that never gets any easier.
UtB
Two days. It's been two very long days since Bella left me to talk to Gage. I haven't seen or heard from her and the suspense is killing me.
I try to stay busy so I won't think about her absence but so far that's not working very well. As a matter of fact, Bella is all I can think about during my jog with Angel. I normally distract myself with music, but it all reminds me of her so I give up and try to figure out what to do during this time.
The biggest obstacle is figuring out what to do next. I left the ball in her court, so to speak, but I'm dying to contact her. Of course I'd also rather die than put too much pressure on her. Since I made it clear that I wanted to hear from her again I guess all I can do now is wait. Of course, we talked about some life altering things so she should take all the time she needs. I'm not going anywhere and I do want her to be happy with her decisions.
I slow my pace as I reach the end of my run. As I round the corner onto my block I notice a blue Mini Cooper in the distance. My heartbeat quickens, but not from the exercise, and I almost break into a sprint to get home. I slow to a walk when I finally see the beautiful girl sitting on my porch steps. Trying to make myself presentable I pull my wife beater off and wipe some of the sweat from my face. Angel runs right up to Bella and licks her face. I'm a little jealous about the fact that I can't greet her in a similar fashion but it does give me a chance to catch my breath.
Bella finally turns all her attention to me and stands up. "I guess I should have called first," she begins.
I'm momentarily distracted by the sight of her bikini under her white tank top but I do manage to say, "You never have to call first."
After a moment of silence her hand darts out to touch the tattoo my chest, the one for our baby. I watch her fingers as she traces the ink. We both look up at the same time and I explain, "That's what I wanted to show you earlier this year."
"It's beautiful," she says quietly as we continue to stare at each other.
After a moment I turn my arm and show her the other one, the heart she designed. Philly was impressed with her work. He said it was similar to his style but he added some more detail and some sea-foam green around the edges. Said it was his signature color.
Bella runs her fingers over her design, giving me chills. "It's better than I could have imagined." She smiles shyly before biting her lip.
I don't want to talk while smelling like a pig. "I need a quick shower. Do you want to come in?" I ask.
"Sure," Bella nods, following me into the house.
I tell her to make herself comfortable then run upstairs. I start undressing the moment I enter me bedroom, leaving a trail of sweaty clothes from the door into the bathroom. I turn on the water and jump in the shower as soon as the water is warm.
My hand naturally finds my cock which is rock hard after seeing Bella on my doorstep. I stroke it a few times before stopping myself. I don't have time to jerk off while she waits for me. I can't help myself though because all I can think of is her and the hint of her bikini top under her shirt. I close my eyes and stroke myself again as I imagine her.
As I stand in the shower I feel a cool breeze. I open my eyes and what I see stops the motion of my hand. "Iz?" I question as she steps into the shower with me, completely bare. She licks her lips then touches them to the tattoo. Her touch is heaven on earth.
"I have to leave again," she says shakily. "Give me something to come back to?"
I push her under the stream of water, taking in all her beauty. I watch the motion of my hand as the backs of my fingers trace down the side of her breast and ribcage. I bow my head, resting my forehead against hers. Our breathing is labored and we have barely touched one another. Her fingers weave into my hair and she pulls on it. It hurts, but in a way it's like she's showing me how tightly she wants to hold onto us.
I've thought about the promise I made to her two days ago. How I would do whatever it takes to make this work. I thought about all the ways I could keep that promise.
"I'll come to Chicago with you," I tell her.
"No...I'm..." Whatever she is trying to say is lost when her lips collide with mine in passionate, open-mouthed kisses. I push her against the shower wall. Her leg hitches high on mine. I instinctively grab her ass to pull her closer to me, helping her grind against me. I love how smooth she is down there.
I place kisses along her jaw, bite down her neck, swirl my tongue around her breasts. My hands hold her hips tightly as my mouth works further down her stomach until I am on my knees and her sex is flush with my face. I lift one leg over my shoulder and kiss the smooth skin of her mound. I use my tongue against her clit as I push a finger inside her. I love the feeling of her hands pulling my hair as I taste her.
Just like that, I am coming, only to be hit with the harsh reality that it's just me and my hand in the room.
I hurry and finish my shower, hating the fact that I am making her wait for me. I don't even feel relieved. If anything I need her even more than I did before the shower. I can't bear the possibility that she may walk away from me forever today, especially since I have my heart set on making love to her before she goes.
My dilemma is whether or not I should even try since I made her evaluate that night with Dean. The reality is that she may not want to have sex with anyone for a while. Then again, she may not want to have sex with me at all because her boyfriend wouldn't approve. Maybe I should have found out the generalities of her conversation with Gage before indulging in my shower fantasies.
I step out of the shower and dry off, wrapping the towel around my waist. I walk into the bedroom and stop dead in my track when I notice she is standing right there.
"I-I-I didn't mean to intrude or whatever," she stutters, "but I felt kinda lonely down there."
"It's fine. It's not like the thought of you coming up here to join me didn't cross my mind," I admit. Her face flushes and she looks away.
I walk to my dresser and grab a new pair of boxer briefs. I pull them on, then let the towel drop before putting on a pair of jeans.
I notice Bella stands still and doesn't take her eyes off me. She finally walks over to me before I can put on a shirt, wraps her arms around me and lays her head against my heart. Her body is wracked with sobs and I can feel her tears on my skin. I smooth down her hair, trying to offer what comfort I can.
"Why are you crying?" I ask, leading her to the bed and guiding her to sit on the edge with me.
"I told Gage...everything…the truth," she begins between sobs. "About Dean," she chokes out, still clinging to me.
"Calm down, baby. We can't talk or figure anything out like this. I'm not going anywhere," I assure her.
"I'm sorry," she says, as she pulls away. I grab a tissue from the night stand so I can wipe her wet checks.
"Don't be sorry," I encourage.
She finally gets control of herself and begins. "I'm leaving for school in a week." I nod because this is not unexpected. "I have decided this is my last year in Chicago. I don't know what I'm going to do after that. I may transfer to a four year school or just try to find a job."
I just want her to know I support her decisions. "You can do whatever you want and I will stand by you...if that's what you want."
Bella laughs humorlessly. "Gage told me to do whatever makes me happy, too. The thing is…you both make me happy."
Maybe I got my hopes up too soon. "What are you saying?"
She hesitates before answering. "I need time."
I feel like a balloon that's just had all of its air let out. "Fuck! That is not what I wanted to hear," I respond as I tug at my hair.
"I'm sorry." she says again, sorrow and fear evident in her eyes.
I look directly at her and shake my head disapprovingly, letting her know it is not okay to say that to me. "I'm sorry for reacting that way. I just miss you so much. I shouldn't have expected that you would be ready."
She moves closer to me, her hand trailing down my chest seductively. She looks up into my eyes and says, "I just want to see what happens. I feel right here with you. It's so strong I can't fight it." She moves to straddle my lap and rocks against me, causing my eyes to roll into the back of my head. "I want you so badly. I don't want labels or expectations...I just want to feel." Then she leans in and kisses me deeply.
Like I could say no to her. "Whatever you want." I move my hands up the back of her shirt and feel her shiver.
"I haven't been with anyone for a year. I want you to remind me what it should be like."
I lift her shirt over her head. Her bikini top is strapless and held together by a tiny string between her breasts. I pull it, exposing her to me. I make sure I do everything gently and slowly because I want her to know that I will listen to her. She is safe with me.
"Tell me if something is wrong…if you need me to stop, okay?"
"I trust you, Edward."
Her nipples taste the same. Even her mouth is just the way I remember. I can't wait to find out if she still tastes the same below her waist. She feels so good, so right.
It doesn't even matter what happens. Whatever she wants or needs, I don't care at this point. I just want to give it to her. I want to be by her side when all her dreams come true. If that means I love her from a distance, then that's what I'll do.
Neither of us actually says anything but I think it's pretty clear that these feelings aren't fading with time. They are real and no matter how much we try to bury them they just won't be covered, not for long anyway. And when they do resurface they're only stronger than before.
UtB
No matter what she asked for I did not fuck her. I didn't have sex with her either. I did, however, worship her the way she was meant to be worshipped.
Afterward, she stays wrapped in my arms for hours. We lay in bed and talk and laugh until the sun rises. We watch it from the balcony outside my bedroom and then she falls asleep.
I know I should try to sleep too, but I can't. My mind is full of…everything Bella. All the work she has done at school, a million stories about her roommate Jamie, and even Gage. He really isn't as awful as I made him out to be. I should know by now that Bella is a decent judge of character.
She told me about how well Gage handled everything, too. How she misjudged everything and made decisions based on faulty assumptions. She didn't want to hurt him, or me, or herself anymore. She wasn't sure what would happen or when she would have any answers for either of us. All she could do was see what the future held and work on communicating better. She needs time. I don't know if Gage is going to wait for her or move on, but I can't concern myself with that. All I can do is try my best to give her what she needs. I'm pretty confident that her feelings for me are much deeper than that of some hormonal teenage girl.
I told Bella about school. How hard last year was with all the speculation about the two of us. How some of the girls were a bit to forward with me, mainly Abby. I told her how I kept myself busy coaching and that I hope to get a boys team next year. The girls are just too much for me when they're in big groups like that. I definitely felt ganged up on. Bella laughed at that part and it made me feel so good to see her happy. There were no lies or feelings of impending doom between us.
She asked about Jane and if we were still close. I told her she is a friend, but nothing more. A friend who has been very busy with her tattoo artist boyfriend lately.
That brings me to the other reason I can't sleep. Jane and Philly are coming to visit for this last week of summer and they are staying in my guest room. If I had known Bella would be around, I would never have agreed to it but you know what they say about hindsight. Of course, it's not as if I need to be some tour guide, just a gracious host. John, being from Philly, knows the shore. Most people from that area spend a week down here or a few weekends a month every summer. I know he mentioned coming here for the tattoo conventions, too.
The more I think about it, the more I realize having Bella here is going to work out perfectly. That way I won't feel like I'm intruding on their 'couple time' and they won't feel as if they are making me into a third wheel.
I know Jane will be here soon but I'm not going to wake Bella up. She's had quite a bit of stress over the last couple days and could definitely use the rest.
UtB
Bella's still asleep but I'm downstairs waiting when my company arrives. Jane doesn't bother to knock or ring the doorbell; she just swings the door wide open upon her arrival. I greet her with a kiss on the cheek, a shake of John's hand, and a request that they keep it down because Bella is upstairs sleeping.
"Bella?" Jane asks with a gasp. My only response is to smile into my third mug of coffee. "So, I don't get to kick her butt then?" Jane seems a little too upset about this.
When Bella left me hanging earlier this summer, Jane was pissed. She threatened to beat her up because she hurt me.
"Be nice," I order, pointing a warning finger her way.
"If that's what you want, but just remember that I've got your back," she responds seriously.
I wave them off to get settled but soon they're back downstairs, ready to hit the beach.
Jane knows I won't wake Bella up or leave her to go with them so she doesn't even ask. I let them know I'll ask Bella if she feels like going when she wakes up. Knowing Bella, she won't want to miss any time on the beach. While we talked she kept mentioning how much she missed the feel of the hot sun beating down on her. I think she might be a little upset she didn't make it there yesterday...not that I think she'll complain about how she actually spent the day.
I have some work I need to finish in order to be organized for the beginning of the new school year so I take advantage of the alone time to make sure I have everything ready for the first day.
Bella doesn't sleep long and within two hours she's skipping down the stairs. She looks so adorable in little boy short underwear and my wife beater.
"Hey," she says as she wraps her arms around my neck from behind the couch. I lean back, letting her plant a small kiss on my cheek. "Watchya doin'?" I can feel her smile against the back of my neck.
"Just school stuff. It can wait." I rub her arm before she lets go. "Oh, I forgot to mention earlier…" I begin, as she walks off. I'm a little worried about her reaction to my houseguests so I only hesitate for a second. If I don't make a big deal of this then she won't have a reason to either. "Jane and her boyfriend John are staying here this week."
"Oh?" Bella comments as she stands in the kitchen peeling a banana.
"They went up to the beach a few hours ago...wanted us to come up and hang out if you want to."
"Sure," she answers as she bites into the banana. "I'll go get ready."
UtB
The week flies by and I must admit that I'm pleasantly surprised by how well the four of us get along. Bella went home to get some clothes but other than that she hasn't left since I found her on my doorstep. Not only am I fine with that but I would have begged her to stay if it looked like she was contemplating leaving.
John finds it hard to believe Bella is only nineteen. "Almost twenty," she corrects. It stings that I won't be with her on her birthday.
"When's that?" John asks.
"September. It's not a big deal though. I don't really like to celebrate."
I lean in and kiss her bare shoulder. "What do you want anyway?" I ask softly.
She turns and furrows her brows. "Nothing," she says with a shake of her head, but she's been joking with John all week about getting another tattoo.
He's been trying to persuade her to come work with him when she graduates.
I think they are both serious and just won't admit it.
I know Bella isn't sure exactly what she wants to do as far as a career in art is concerned. She says she isn't confident enough to ink someone's skin permanently, but I think she really is intrigued by the prospect.
I talk to John about doing something for her birthday before she leaves for school. The day before she leaves I got Jane to take Bella on a grocery and liquor run so we could celebrate that evening. While they're gone he sets everything up in the living room.
I invited people over, too: namely Emmett, Rose, her mom and Phil, Lauren, and Riley. I wish Jasper and Alice stayed longer, but Jasper had to get back to work. It's a birthday/going back to school party and Renee even decided to bring a cake. I'm not sure how this evening will go over with the two of us acting more like a couple and less like friends in front of her family, especially in front of Emmett, but I'm looking forward to giving it a try.
UtB
Jane brings Bella back just in time. She stands in the middle of the room taking in the tattoo guns, the small cups for ink, and the black latex gloves. She furrows her brows and shakes her head. "What's all this?"
"Consider it an early birthday present. I wish I could get to Chicago to spend it with you, but I can't take time off that early in the school year."
She throws her arms around my neck and whispers, "Thank you," in my ear. I close my eyes, inhaling her scent. "You can see it when it's done," she says as she pulls away with a sly smile and a peck on my cheek. Jane pulls me into the kitchen for some party prep, which is evidently code for "distract Edward".
I point to Bella and say, "I want to see the new art as soon as you're done." She blows me a kiss as I back toward the kitchen.
It's hardly an hour later when I hear her calling my name. John says the tattoo should be covered for the first hour, so if I want to see it sooner rather than later, I need to come look.
Bella's hair is pulled up high in a messy bun. "Ready?" she asks. I nod and when she turns around she has the same tattoo on the back of her neck that I have over my heart. "Like it?"
"How could I not?" I ask her rhetorically with a kiss under her ear.
Before long everyone starts showing up for the party. Bella says she wants to kill me and so does Emmett. The difference between the two of them is that I think Emmett is joking. Renee tells him to behave, pointing out that his sister is only a few weeks away from turning twenty.
Bella spends a lot of time playing with Cayden and showing him off to Riley and Lauren. Kelsey came too and I have to admit that it's weird having students in my house like this...watching me love Bella…who was once their classmate.
Just a few more days and she'll be gone. Will this feeling of her being mine again be gone too? I know if I don't end up with Bella I will always think of her as the one that got away.
Thanks Everyone! See you soon! Hopefully about 2 weeks!
