Hooray for the overly-long delyaed Mario Kart Wii chapter! Yeah, I've had so many assignments and stuff, I quite frankly did not want to spend even more time on a computer writing and besides, assignments sap your creativity anyway. Anyhoo, the glitches found here are more or less self-explanatory but as usual, you'll find them on Mario Wiki. Yes, and who else should present them but Waluigi?
29: Stop! Waluigi Time!
"Wahahaha! That trophy's gonna have the name of Waluigi on it today!"
Waluigi snickered to himself as he polished the body of his beloved Flame Runner Bike; he loved the fact that the Kart Officials had seen it fit to introduce bikes in this tournament. It was so satisfying constantly performing wheelies on the track even though he had absolutely no need to. It was even more satisfying when one realised that you could use the bike to avoid the annoying POW Block that others dared to activate. Those in karts had no chance. They were fools; Waluigi knew this.
Oh, this latest tournament was going to be so awesome! Why? Because Waluigi had a trick up his sleeve. Well, several up his sleeve actually and nobody, not even that garlic-munching, whining, lard bucket of a treasure hunter, Wario, knew about these fine babies. Yup, Wario could have his cake but he damn well wouldn't be able to eat it. It was beautiful, beautiful indeed. In fact, Waluigi was inspired to sing a song since all villainous tricksters such as himself required an awesome song and besides, Wario had one and therefore, Waluigi had to have one just to spite him. His dulcet tones caused a Toad to faint out of shock.
Life is like a hurricane,
Here with Mushrooms!
Race Karts, Bob-ombs, Bullet Bills
And there's Waluigi!
Might come and beat you
Or simply thrash you!
Waluigi! Woo-hoo!
Every day he's out there being
Waluigi! Woo-hoo!
Winning trophies and just being
Waluigi!
D-D-D-Danger! Lurks behind you!
Waluigi's out there, he will smash you!
What to do? Just beg and say
Waluigi! Woo-hoo!
Every day he's out there being
Waluigi! Woo-hoo!
Winning trophies and just being
Waluigi! Woo-hoo!
Not Wario or Luigi, just
Waluigi! Woo-hoo!
The only trouble with that song, due to its being off the scale of sheer epicness, was that it would be stuck in his head all day. Ah, well, for no-one could compose songs like the Great Waluigi! And even better, Waluigi grinned devilishly, his rival was within his line of sight. No doubt being a goody two-shoes and inspecting that all was well. It wasn't as if he was going to cheat since a goody two-shoes like wussy boy did not cheat; the fine art of cheating was left to masters like Waluigi.
Waluigi nonchalantly threw a banana skin in Luigi's direction and to his delight; Luigi skidded on it and went flying straight into a carelessly placed Warp Pipe that Waluigi somehow forgot to shift earlier. Sporting a red nose, Luigi angrily turned to face his beanpole rival who was now holding up a card with a 6.4 awarded for some style.
"You suck!" Waluigi taunted. "Just you watch as I bag this tournament's trophy with my hands tied behind my back while you swim about with the Cheep Cheeps in last place, your rightful place I may add!"
"Oh yeah? How are you supposed to win with your hands behind your back? I suppose you'll use your freakishly long chin to steer, huh? And your pointy ears to throw the items no doubt."
"Hey!" Waluigi snapped. The Green Plumber certainly could not be allowed to put one over him! "I'll use your moustache to clean my bike with you still attached to it if you're not careful!"
"I suppose it would be better to use my moustache than yours, you Dick Dastardly lookalike," Luigi retorted. "Besides, even if you had one like mine, you'd only dirty your bike more since your moustache is made up of grease and dirt rather than hair."
"I'll make sure a Blue Shell blows up your ass!" Waluigi yelled when he couldn't think of anything better to say.
"Well if you can do that, then that means I'll be in first place while you are languishing in the loser positions. See you on the track."
Waluigi growled as the Green Plumber walked, no, strutted off as if he already owned that trophy. Well, he would be choking on his words for the Great Waluigi would make sure of this! Yes, the Super Special Tournament Cup emblazoned with gold and the beautifully-crafted name of the eventual winner would belong to him! For yes, he knew the secret shortcuts and the art of clipping though they weren't so much shortcuts as actual cheats but it would be below his situation to race fairly now wouldn't it? He had a reputation to keep up, he had fan-letters sent to him swooning over the mastery of cheating (well, perhaps not but you couldn't stop a guy from dreaming, eh?).
Well, the race was due to start tomorrow so Waluigi considered it a fine idea to have one last run-over on his lean, mean, dastardly machine. Well, when he said run-over, he didn't quite mean to run over the Toad who was still out cold from listening to his song but hey-ho, these things happened. The idiot should have fallen unconscious somewhere else shouldn't he? There was a crunch, followed by a yell, followed by a loud snickering as Waluigi drove off in the distance.
"LADIES AND GENTLEMEN!" the announcer Lakitu… er, announced. "WELCOME TO THE SUPER SPECIAL TOURNAMENT OF THE CENTURY! I AM YOUR WONDERFUL LAKITU HOST FOR TODAY AND I HOPE WE WILL HAVE A RIP-ROARING TIME AS LONG AS YOU KEEP YOUR CHAIN CHOMPS TO YOURSELVES!"
Waluigi wished they had never taken Chain Chomps out of the kart races even though it wasn't his item to use per se. It was incredibly good fun to watch some poor sap getting gnashed by those iron jaws that every Chain Chomp had. He also wished to know who in the hell had categorised him among the heavy racers. This implied that he was fat. HE WAS NOT FAT! Whoever it was, he was going to find them and punch them on the fizzog… after he had won the tournament of course. Meanwhile, he also wished that he had some punk gear. Not only would this look impossibly cool and awesome as he raced down the track but he also considered it suitable attire for the possibility that he would one day join the WarioWare games. He never understood why he wasn't invited to those things. He was Waluigi for crying out loud! Why wouldn't they want him in?
Ah, whatever. The first track was the Coconut Mall. Everybody knew that Mario in particular was looking forward to this one for this was set on Isle Delfino and Mario relished the chance of accidentally running over some Piantas. He still hadn't forgiven them for his wrongful imprisonment. There was an evil gleam in his eyes right now. Waluigi shuddered. It was unnerving to see the other goody two-shoes like that.
"AND LET US HAVE THE RACERS INTRODUCE THEMSELVES!" the Lakitu screamed.
"Woo-hoo! It's a-me, Mario!" Mario said predictably. What wasn't so predictable was the way he madly cackled afterward upon knowing that there were Piantas to …visit as it were.
"Oh, yeah! Whose number one now? Luigi!" Luigi cried. Waluigi snorted. Big-head. There was no way that he was going to be number one when Waluigi was there to take the trophy.
"Hi! I'm Daisy!" Oh, god no, not that again. He seriously hoped that she wouldn't keep repeating this as they went around the track otherwise he wouldn't be the only one battering her with a mallet. The only consolation was that there wouldn't be their baby selves in this particular tournament. They were on the roster technically but they just weren't in this tournament because Mario had said so. Not only was it the worst possible place for a baby to be (no OSHA compliance there), but the whole younger/older selves thing was confusing the hell out of everybody.
"Uh-huh! Yeah! Funky Kong's in da house!" Waluigi stared. Where did they drag this guy from? He was a gorilla for goodness' sake. How dare he try to take over Waluigi's coolness status? He would be surely trounced too.
"Stop! Waluigi Time!" Waluigi yelled. Damn, that was cool. He'd yell it at Luigi later. He would also think of some proper payback insults as well. There was no way that he would allow Luigi to upstage him via the art of insulting.
Once everybody had introduced themselves, Waluigi made sure that he had his hand on the throttle. He was, in his opinion, unfairly placed at the back so he needed an excellent start. But then, it wouldn't matter anyway since he was going to win this race no matter what.
"3, 2, 1, GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" the Lakitu shouted.
Waluigi sped off like a Bullet Bill on his awesome Flame Runner and barged into fellow racers as they all madly aimed for the escalators. Even if Waluigi wasn't planning to cheat though, he would have definitely still beaten Mario since he completely lost it when he saw a group of Piantas in one of the shops.
"Woo-hoo! It's-a Grand Theft Mario Time!" he cackled before driving into the store with his kart and causing much terrible chaos, bloody screaming, damage of very expensive goods and spilled shopping. Luigi sighed as his brother did this. Even the word Pianta drove him crackers.
Waluigi had reached his destination very quickly. The place that he needed to be was only near the very beginning of the track. Instead of continuing forwards, he turned around and made sure that he was still on the tiled floor. He saw the corner of the column ahead of him even though this looked like he was going in completely the wrong direction. Waluigi then charged his drift before shooting forwards off a small ramp reminding himself not to do a completely cool Waluigi-style trick for once. He snickered as he went technically out of bounds and smoothly drove underneath the very shops before somehow making it back onto the grass leaving behind one very puzzled-looking Lakitu whose job it was to tell racers what idiots they were for going the wrong way.
"You great big cheater!" the Lakitu snapped as Waluigi finished one lap and it made it so that he completed the other two laps via a series of drifts. He even managed to drive through cars though he would be damned if he could actually explain how.
"Why, thank you!" Waluigi grinned. "I do try."
"Er, Waluigi's the winner?" the announcer Lakitu said.
Waluigi was busy stuffing his face when the other racers finally crossed the finish line. He got a very hard stare from none other than the Green Plumber. Wario would have used Waluigi as a golf club with a Bob-omb replacing the ball if he was not held back from doing so. How dare he come up with better cheats than Wario?!
"You did not pass me," Luigi growled. "I would have noticed. You would have said something stupid in a manner that's supposed to insult me."
"Luigi, Luigi, Luigi," Waluigi said nonchalantly. "I must have gone so fast that you simply did not notice me and I did not have the time to come up with a witty remark rather than an insult. Although I'm sure that you noticed as well as I did that your brother got arrested for hit-and-run charges."
"Don't remind me…" Luigi said sourly.
"Hi! I'm Daisy!" said Daisy for no reason whatsoever.
This was quite brilliant, Waluigi thought to himself as they prepared for the next race. It was Ghost Valley 2. Mario was fine with this since he had been released without charge after he had bribed the Pianta Police with a sack full of coins. (They would notice however, under the Delfino sun, that chocolate coins melted rather quickly). Luigi, however, was less fine with this since Ghost Valley 2 was full of, would you believe it, ghosts. Especially Boos. Boos liked Ghost Valley 2. It had quite a spirited atmosphere.
"G-ghosts…" he muttered under his breath. "B-Boos. Goddamn Boos…" Waluigi made a mental note to terrify the overalls off Luigi one day with a load of Boos. It would be spooktacular, er, spectacular. And what better thing to do (other than winning trophies) was there than to terrify Luigi?
"3, 2, 1-"
"Who ya gonna call? Luigi!" Luigi cackled as he whipped out a Poltergust 2000 and began sucking up poor, innocent, helpless spectre spectators. Boos scared the living daylights out of him. There was no way he was going to let Professor E. Gadd convince him to search mansions full of ghosts ever again, not even if there was something like, I don't know, a dark moon or something. Forget the treasure; that stuff was better left to Wario.
The race went ahead anyway once Luigi was put in his strait jacket. Waluigi didn't even set off though. He let all the racers past him screaming their various phrases ("Hi! I'm Daisy!") before quickly aligning himself so that he was on the third panel and that the post which had previously been on his right was now ahead of him. Once again, he charged up a drift before making an absolutely massive leap that even a Feather wouldn't have been able to accomplish. The old-timers missed that Feather. It had been a good item.
Waluigi did it two more times so that he finished the race far ahead of anybody else. He snickered to himself and did the Waluigi Dance while waiting for everybody else to turn up. He even sang his theme song again causing his following Lakitu's goggles to shatter and his cloud to turn into a storm complete with little lightning bolts.
"That's shocking stuff," Waluigi commented as the Lakitu was zapped by his own cloud.
"You don't say?" the Lakitu muttered as smoke rose upwards from his beloved cloud.
"OK, now that was definitely cheating!" Luigi growled as he struggled to break free from his strait jacket. "I saw what you did! Do you think that you are clever?!"
"Why, yes I do actually," Waluigi smiled. "Because it's Waluigi Time."
Waluigi continued to win race after race to the point where even Wario was disbelieving off the beanpole's prowess, saying words that would hurt the ears of a delicate Toad and would indeed hurt the ears of a princess if she wasn't spouting the same thing. Waluigi merrily made his way through Maple Treeway and held on tightly as he was blasted through the cannon. He laughed as Luigi had tried to aim a Spiny Shell at him just before the Master of Cheating went through the cannon.
"You suck!" Waluigi cackled as he heard the sound of the Spiny Blue Shell of Death decrease behind him. "Waluigi is the coolest!"
"Oh, yeah?" said Luigi with a mocking grin.
"What the f-?" said Waluigi as the Blue Shell still blew him up anyways. Not even Masters of Cheating could escape the terror known as the Persistent Blue Shell of Doom.
"I've just had a message from the main man himself, Shigeru Miyamoto," said Mario as he stood upon the podium. "And he's says that there are going to be some changes for the next tournament."
Due to Waluigi's cheats and the other strange mishaps that had occurred, the Super Special Tournament had rather unfortunately been cancelled which was a shame considering that the rest of it had been rather fun. Mario unrolled a sheet and cleared his throat.
"Right then. Due to the excessive amount of cheating-" He gave Waluigi a quick glance. "-that take place with these vehicles, bikes shall not make an appearance in the next tournament."
"WHAAAAAT?!" everybody yelled. They loved those bikes, they were great bikes. Some had spent hours designing those bikes and now all of that hard work was gone to waste on only one tournament. Some of them sobbed.
"However, they shall be replaced with customisable karts, gliders and a little propeller thingy that will allow us to move through the water. And we can still do tricks. So, er, hooray for that."
There was a low murmuring in the crowd. OK, customisable karts weren't too bad, especially when Mario confirmed the parts available such as the ultra-special gold parts. Wario rubbed his hands with glee; how much could he make by selling those babies?
"But if you can go through water, won't we be out of a job?!" the Lakitu crew cried.
"We can still go out of bounds so we'll still need you guys," said Mario. "Anyway, there will also be some changes to the item selection so say goodbye to the POW Block, the Mega Mushroom, the Thunder Cloud, Boo and yes, even the Fake Item Box." Everybody gasped at this. How could you not have fake item boxes? "However, say hello to the Fire Flower, the Super Leaf, the Lucky Seven and yes, the return of coins."
"Coins?" Wario squealed. "Oh yes, coins, coins, COINS! I LOVE COINS! I LOVE THEM, LOVE THEM, LOVE THEM! WAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Ahem, er, please continue," he said realising that everybody was staring at him. Yes, coins were indeed a good thing. No Feather though. That was likely never to return…
"Riiiiight," said Mario. "There's also going to be a change in the driver roster. I shall, of course, be staying. It wouldn't be called Mario Kart otherwise. Luigi, Peach, Yoshi, Koopa, Toad, DK and Bowser will also be coming back straight from the start. In other words, we don't need to be unlocked as it were."
"Waaait," said Wario as he realised something. "Wha-?"
"Wario, you've been made into an unlockable character and Daisy still remains unlockable."
"Hi, I'm… WAIT! WHAT?"
"But I didn't cheat this time!" Wario wailed. "I didn't need to what with my super awesome bike and all! What did I do to deserve this?!"
"I don't know," Mario sighed. "Probably something to do with the fact that you're due to sign another WarioWare contract."
Oh. Well… that was alright then. Wario gave himself a crafty smile. This meant more gold for him!
"And you're still unlockable because of the whole 'Hi, I'm Daisy!' thing," Mario added. Daisy growled at this. "Right, and Rosalina and the weird Mii thing are still unlockable as well."
Waluigi waited expectantly. He was going to be an unlockable character as well surely. A slight drop from starting driver to an unlockable one, to be sure, but it was nothing that he couldn't deal with.
"All of the baby characters have gone home so that they won't be in the next tournament which is just as well because not only was that getting ridiculous, but it was also getting damn confusing," Mario continued. "Birdo's also dropped out-" Yoshi suddenly cheered ecstatically. No more Birdo chasing him! "Dry Bones and Dry Bowser have also gone since their living counterparts found them rather uncomfortable to be around to say the least."
"Too right," Bowser grumbled. There was only room for one Bowser and that Bowser was going to be a living Bowser!
"Bowser Jr. has also gone home, presumably to study on how to become the next evil dark lord," Mario sighed. Bowser grinned. His boy was going to make him so proud. "King Boo has also gone, probably to come up with another plot or something. Diddy Kong and Funky Kong have gone to protect the home front from King K. Rool and Toadette has also gone for whatever purpose, I don't know. Oh, yes and…" Mario turned to face Waluigi. "Waluigi shall also not be returning for the next tournament."
Waluigi stared agog. He was not coming back? But… but… he was the Great Waluigi! This could not happen!"
"Happily, we shall a number of new racers," Mario announced, completely ignoring Waluigi's state of shock. "Shy Guy is back and is now a full-time racer." Shy Guy jumped with joy. "Metal Mario will also be joining us though don't ask me why, that's just gonna confuse me. Wiggler will also be a new racer and after all these years, we shall also have Lakitu racing amongst us."
"OH, YES! IN YOUR FACE!" Lakitu yelled wildly. "I knew this was would happen one day! I- sorry, I'm getting all emotional…" Lakitu cried with joy.
"Am I joining?" Kamek said hopefully. He had joined the crowd on his broomstick.
"No, shut up, Magikoopa," said Mario without looking up. Kamek cried. "Oh, yes, and we shall also have the Honey Queen joining us."
"What the hell? I'm being replaced by a bloody oversized bee?!" Waluigi screamed.
"Didn't you have to climb over her body twice to get star bits?" Peach asked suspiciously.
"That's it for today!" said Mario loudly. "So we'll meet again when we have the next tournament! See you about everybody!"
The crowd quickly dispersed leaving only Waluigi and strangely enough, Luigi behind. So that was it? He was supposed to pack up his stuff and get out of here? Waluigi's lip quivered. He saw Luigi wander over to him. OK, he was a good person. He wasn't going to be nasty towards him. He'd probably be quite sad to see him go. They were rivals after all and everyone really needed a rival, right?
""Yes?" said Waluigi hopefully.
Luigi said nothing at first. Then he prodded Waluigi and said, "You suck!"
Luigi walked off laughing. Waluigi sobbed. It all went to show that cheaters never did indeed prosper.
Waluigi isn't my favourite character but I kinda missed him from Mario Kart 7. Poor guy. And hey, did you recognise the song that Waluigi had changed the lyrics from? None other than DuckTales! (Woohoo!)
