ISFNE Chapter 29
Simon POV
She stared at the bottle with a mix of terror and resignation. I grabbed one of the last slips of paper seeing a number 3 on it, and, having numbered the rooms myself, crumpled up and dropped it, immediately knowing where to go. I got up and quickly slid an arm under Allison's knees and caught her back, not bothering to ask the dare. She buried her face in my shoulder and I felt her tears soak through my shirt; she was shivering with all the adrenaline flooding her system and likely because it was colder in this part of the cabin.
A full-sized bed occupied most of the room, though there was a small dresser with a mirror over it, a nightstand on either side of the bed, and a doorway connecting to a bathroom.
I carefully closed the door behind us and set her down on the bed, moving to sit next to her as I unbuttoned my shirt to offer her, but immediately froze at her violent reaction.
She let out a cry and pulled away, curling into herself as she began to sob hysterically, "No, no, please, Simon, please don't do this!"
"Allison?" I questioned. It was taking everything in me to not rush in to try to calm her, knowing any movement could send her further over the edge.
"PLEASE, don't do this! You don't want to do this! I don't, I don't want to-" she continued to plead through hiccupping sobs.
"Allison, I'm not going to hurt you. I would never- how could you think that of me?" I said in genuine anguish at her distrust. She said nothing but carefully looked up at me from behind her arms, eyes watery, cheeks streaked with tears, chest heaving unsteadily at the panic she could no longer contain. How had I never seen the depth of this pain and fear she had inside of her? How did she ever live with it? And why did I have to be its catalyst? Did she truly believe I'd been ready to molest or even rape her?
I sat down on the edge of the bed slowly, acutely aware of the suspicion with which she watched me. "Why are you so afraid of me?" I asked.
She buried her face back behind the crook of her elbows, saying nothing, valiantly trying to rein in her hysteria.
"It's not a rhetorical question, I want you to answer truthfully," I said, a small edge of bitterness coming into my voice; I was unable to keep it all at bay. "Why are you so afraid of me?" I repeated deliberately.
"Why-Why did you kiss me?" she choked out in response.
"That is not where this is all stemming from, you've been terrified of me since the moment we met," I retorted.
"But why did you kiss me, Simon?" her voice demanding yet fearful at the same time and so full of pain.
"Are you using your first truth?" I asked.
"If that's what it takes," she said finally sitting up, tucking her legs in as she leaned against the pillows stacked against the headboard, still hunched over and shivering slightly.
"Because I wanted to. It was impulsive and I was caught up in the moment."
"You wanted to?" she asked her voice still filled with trepidation but also surprise.
"Is that really such a mystery to you?" I asked with just as much surprise.
"Why would you want to kiss me?" she asked in utter confusion, the uncertainty palpable in the air.
"I happen to like you quite a bit, Alice. I'd go as far to say I'm in love with you."
She was continually unpredictable. I didn't know what I expected after my admission, but I couldn't have foreseen this. All the color in her face drained as she looked at me with horror, fear consuming her features once again. "No," she whispered. I sat silent, amazed yet horrified as I watched her process, not understanding in the least what was going on in that head of hers. "No, nonono, you don't, you can't," she said, her voice hitching as her began to cry into her hands.
"Allison," I said evenly, prepared to continue before she interrupted with a tortured sob.
"Please, take that back!" she pleaded as she met my gaze, tears running rivers down her cheeks.
"Why? What is-"
"You don't understand!" She cried.
"Then make me understand," I pleaded coaxingly.
"You don't, you don't," she sobbed, "You wouldn't if you knew. You can't."
"If I knew what? Everything you've been through? You think that would change my mind?" I asked. "I think I can be the judge of that," I said quietly.
She snuffled and a swiped away the tears unsuccessfully, hunching her shoulders and shaking her head as she buried her face back into her hands.
"Tell me," I stated, "I'll use a truth on it if I must."
"I can't! I won't tell you my most painful memories based on a stupid game! Just please leave me alone!"
"You already used that same 'stupid game' to bring forth something I wasn't willing to share," I pointed out, "besides, I'm tired of us tiptoeing around each other, we're coming clean with everything tonight. No more hiding."
It was silent except for her sniffling, as she regained control of her breathing, through tears continued to fall. After a minute, she drew in a considerably more stable breath and turned slightly toward me, hugging herself as she shivered. "I-I don't even know where t-to start," she finally responded, her voice shaking as she tried to regain control over her breathing. She curled into herself further, if possible, and gave another shiver, reminding me of what had previously kicked her panic into high gear.
"Don't freak out," I prefaced my next action as I quickly finished unbuttoning and slipped off my flannel, holding it out to her. "You seem cold," I offered. I didn't really know to be fair, it could just be her body trying to deal with all the adrenaline pumping through her system. I hadn't dared to touch her to be able to tell for sure but I hoped she'd see the shirt for what it was – a peace offering. "Start wherever it feels like you need to. I don't need a perfect chronology," I said gently, trying to ease her as much as possible. "I just need to know."
Allison POV
I met Simon's eyes as he held out the flannel to me, eyes I'd started to trust before he'd started getting too close. I couldn't let him get this close, I couldn't let him see everything I was. But as I thought about it, I realized he'd challenged me that he wouldn't be swayed. Did I tell him everything and hope he wouldn't think me insane? Why did a part of me feel so hopeful at his confession while another ran in terror? Why was the whole thing tearing me apart? I continued to meet his steady gaze, wondering why he paid enough mind to know I was cold, and why he was so willing to make his own sacrifice to keep me warm. Could he really, truly care? Simon couldn't love me. Not really…could he? This all passed through my mind in a second as I carefully reached out and took the flannel from him, my fingers brushing his briefly, and slipped it on. It was still warm though a small part on the shoulder was cool and damp, as I ran my hand over it I realized it was from my own tears. "Thank you," I said quietly. He merely nodded and slowly turned to sit cross-legged on the bed at a comfortable distance. He waited patiently as I searched for the right place to start.
"I don't think you're going to believe me," I started quietly.
"Is it such an unbelievable thing?" he asked seriously, "I've heard my share of abuse stories."
"I'm quite positive you've never heard one like this," I said, "you're going to think I'm insane."
He gave a small smile but it faded as he saw how somber I was. "You're not insane, Alice."
I hesitated again and he carefully moved forward to lean in and gently put a hand on my calf looking up into my eyes, his hand warm against my freezing skin, "I believe you, Allison. Whatever it is, I believe you. You are not insane," he repeated solemnly. I nodded silently and he pulled back, I hated that I felt upset at the loss – he was really warm.
I decided to get the worst over with, "Eric, was…is…a vampire." I said screwing my eyes shut.
There was a long silence, "Is this a metaphor, Allison, or is that where that description ends?" Simon asked, his confusion evident.
"I mean it in the most literal sense possible," I said timidly.
Another pause, "Well that is …new," he said somewhat stunned. I sat silent, waiting for him to condemn my story, to call it BS, to tell me he took it back I actually was insane. "Well, go on," he finally prompted.
So I told him all. I didn't bother trying to explain the vampiric nature of my experience; once I started it all came tumbling out, one memory after the other. My eyes would burn with tears and I had to stop every once in a while to try to collect myself, but never once did he waver in his attention or interrupt or question. I told him of my kidnapping, I told him the bonding I'd endured – though I let him fill in most of the details – making him wince in sympathy. I told him how'd I'd shamefully given in and saw the fury burn behind his gaze. I told him of the time Eric had rescued me from another vampire, I told him of my escape, I told him of Mark and Kristi, and I finally told him everything I'd gone through with the twins. I left no stone unturned. He knew all, the question was what he would do with the knowledge. I was terrified in a whole new way now.
Simon POV
I didn't know what to do with all the information Allison had presented me with. It was too much. I never could've expected something like this. And she was right, I did want to think she was crazy, but the clarity in her eyes and her memory told me otherwise. She'd never given me any reason before to think her insane, why would she suddenly be so? She'd warned me, she was trusting me with everything, I refused to turn away like she expected. She'd finished her story a while ago and was sitting, one hand keeping my flannel tightly wrapped around her, tears dripping off of her nose as she pointedly studied the quilt beneath us, tracing its stitching with her free hand, awaiting my verdict.
I carefully moved toward her and took her free hand in mine, feeling her start and tense as I did so, a reminder of the first question I'd posed, but she didn't pull away immediately which was an improvement. "I feel I was woefully prepared for all of that," I said, not knowing how to react.
A thin smile graced her lips briefly before disappearing once more. "You haven't bolted out the door or tried to call 911. Yet."
"Maybe I'm just waiting to hand you off to Grant for a psych eval," I teased. I felt her tense slightly, and knew it had fallen flat, "A joke, Allison, and a bad one at that," I tried to soothe her, letting my thumb run over the back of her hand. She said nothing but slowly pulled her hand back, a wary look in her eyes as she sniffled and rubbed at her nose, her breathing finally falling into a normal rhythm. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have made light of the situation…I don't know how to respond, what to do with this information you've offered me," I apologized.
"I don't really know why I've told you all of it," she said distantly, her discomfort evident.
"Probably a combination of catharsis and alcohol," I stated. "It's called a social lubricant for a reason."
"You seem just fine and you had much more than me," she pointed out, "and I don't feel impaired – I only got in two shots."
"Yes, well, I'm an experienced drinker. It takes a lot more to get me tipsy. It had little effect on you since you had stuff to eat and hydrated beforehand."
She remained silent and tense, maybe afraid she'd share even more.
"I am sorry for manipulating you into this, Alice. It was selfish of me," I apologized quietly.
She shrugged somewhat despondently, "I don't think it was all you. I'm going to have some words for your friends when this is over."
An awkward silence fell. A portion of her hair had fallen in front of her face blocking my only sign by which to judge her state. I took advantage of my new proximity and carefully pushed it back, tucking it behind her ear and pushing it over her shoulder. She flinched at first contact, eyes flying up to meet mine with a small flash of fear that dissipated slightly in understanding.
"Alice, will you answer my first question?" I asked quietly. "I'm not angry with you, I just want…I need to understand why you're afraid of me," I continued. "You know me, yet you've always kept yourself so distant. I would hope I've never done anything to make you feel like you're unsafe around me; I just desperately want to do anything in my power to make you stop looking at me like that."
"Simon, it's not- I don't-"
"Allison, I want to fix this, I don't care if you don't return my feelings I would at least like us to remain friends," I said firmly. "Why do I scare you, how do I stop?"
I could tell she was trying to collect her thoughts, trying to make sense of them herself, searching for the right words. She finally took a deep breath in and let it out slowly. "Because I don't know what you want from me. I can't figure it out and it scares the crap out of me. I'm broken, I'm damaged beyond repair to the point where I don't think I'll truly ever trust again. I've been used and I-I for god's sake, I have two children from a pregnancy out of wedlock in my teens – that makes me an outcast in any circle. I have no college education, no means of supporting myself, and nothing worth a second look. So what is it? Is it because I was a puzzle to be solved? Is it the hope that I'm easy prey? Or are you just getting kicks toying with my all too vulnerable emotions? I don't know, I don't understand, and that's what makes you such a terrifying prospect, Simon," she said, her voice cracking with emotion as she lowered her gaze, not daring to meet my eyes. "Even if you think you love me, which can't possibly be true, I can't trust that. Eric claimed to love me at every turn, but I was just a means to an end. So what end could you possibly be seeking that involves me?"
I slowly processed all she said, feeling more stricken with each phrase. Did everything in her life always appear so bleak? "Are you always so cynical?" I asked, truly appalled that this was how she lived thinking of herself.
She shrugged, "It's all I know now. Paranoia, cynicism. It's what I have to live by if I don't want to get taken advantage of again."
"Allison, I don't want anything from you," I said quietly.
"Bullshit," she spat back with some venom, "Everybody wants something from everyone else, that's how the world works. I'm not completely naïve."
Damn, that stung. I deflated at that, my chances of mending our friendship seeming slimmer by the second.
"So what do you want from me?" she asked again, with a self-deprecating laughter that hinted at her barely contained hysteria. "What could I possibly have to offer?"
Allison POV
I'd finally pegged the question I needed. I could finally get a straight answer, or at least make him realize how pointless his endeavor was. "What do I offer? I don't hold a candle to Carly or Valerie," I continued.
"Why do you feel the need to compare yourself to them? Did you even hear what Valerie said about you that night? Why would you ever want to be that? You're doing yourself a disservice," he said.
"I don't have anything you could want. What do I have to do to prove that to you? Besides, she didn't say anything that wasn't true," I said.
"I beg to differ," he said resolutely. "Or did you just conveniently forget my response?"
"You just wanted to get back at her," I retorted.
"I wanted to defend you as someone I respect," he countered.
"You couldn't have – you don't mean that. What do you want from me?" I repeated, my voice wavering with an emotion I couldn't quite pinpoint. Hope? Fear? Dread?
"I meant every word I said, Allison," he said solemnly. "Never doubt my sincerity. And I don't want anything from you, Allison, I want you, or at least whatever you are willing to give, be that friendship, trust, or anything else," he stated gently. "You are not a means to an end. You are the end."
"Haven't I given enough?!" I pleaded with another bout of hollow, hysterical laughter, tears leaking out no matter how hard I tried to hold them back.
"Yes," he quickly replied, trying to ease me away from another break down. "Yes, you have, and I will gratefully accept it and ask for nothing more. I just don't want to lose you," he confessed moving in closer.
"Why do you care about me at all?" I questioned, still choking back tears.
"Care?" he repeated back to me, "Why would I not care? Why can't you accept that I do?"
"I-I just can't come to terms with someone caring about me. Especially when I don't understand your motives."
"I want to do so much more than care about you, Alice. I want to care for you, but you turn me away every time I try to help you."
"I know," I whispered, "and I'm- I'm sorry, but it's not just – you, it's me too."
He smiled slightly, "Did you really just give me the classic 'it's not you it's me'?"
I gave a watery laugh at that, "I didn't mean it like that," I said.
He shifted on the bed, his demeanor softening at the somewhat lightened atmosphere. "What did you mean it as then?"
I fidgeted uncomfortably, warring with myself. He was so close to me; it wouldn't take much for me to bridge the gap between us. But did I dare to? He was in love with me, I was attracted to him. I'd been denying it for a long time and I knew it, but did I dare trust him with another piece of me? I looked into his eyes "I'm not just afraid of you, Simon, I'm afraid of myself," I finally admitted.
He looked surprised and confused at my admission. "Because I want to trust you with all my heart, but I'm afraid of being…vulnerable."
"Alice, I – "
"I can't afford to be entrapped again; I can't be – I can't give –," I fumbled helplessly for words. "I can't."
"You can; but only if you want to," he said gently. "I promise you are free to do what you desire."
I met his gaze my heart in my throat, "I'm afraid," I said somewhat breathlessly, continuing to skirt around anything direct.
"You needn't be," he assured.
I inched slightly closer, the silence stretched so thin it was painful. "Are you sure?" I asked with trepidation.
"Absolutely," he said without hesitation, the look I'd so recently feared entering his gaze again.
"I'm too broken to -"
"You are perfect," he cut me off, his hand cupping my cheek.
There were a few beats of loaded silence before I made my choice, practically tackling Simon as I met his lips desperately.
A/N: WOW WOW I loved writing this chapter so freaking much. Delving into Faith and Simon's psyche is quite an experience and I hope I got them across to you guys well. I have to show why Faith is so distrustful, why Simon is so in love yet so confused by her. It all came together pretty okay imho (more to come though :D)
