Coming Up for Air
The Doctor slept fitfully. Normally she wouldn't have slept much at all, but the alternative was lying awake in Gwen's dark living-room, feeling her heart break a little more with every small sob that escaped Yaz's pillow. So, she slept, and her dreams were vivid tableaus of stalking black shadows and giant creatures tangled in fairy lights; dark pools of water that wrapped around her ankles; Yaz's strangled screams from high up in a tree canopy. They sounded so real, echoing around the leafy grove, the Doctor could have sworn they were real.
"Nooooooooo!"
The timelord blinked open tired eyes, hang on, she thought, they are real.
Rolling over she saw that Yaz was caught in the throes of a nightmare. Her face shone with tears in the half-light, and while her lower body seemed paralysed with fear, her hands clawed at her face as she cried out.
"Pleassseeee, help!"
The Doctor acted on instinct, all previous thoughts forgotten for the moment. In a second she was there beside Yaz, gathering the younger woman up in her arms and pulling her close.
"Shhh, it's ok, it's ok," she muttered softly, "I've got you."
As she spoke, she ran a hand comfortingly up and down Yaz's back, trying to smooth out the rough fabric of the nightmare.
"You're ok, I'm here…"
She could feel the heartbeat pounding against her chest and the dampness of tears against her skin where the young officer's head nestled. As the sobbing began to settle, she felt Yaz's breathing come easier, heart-rate slowing to match the steady double-beats of her own. She was still asleep, but the Doctor didn't want to let go just yet, telling herself that the bad dreams might still be lurking, ready to pounce again.
So, she held her, resting her chin on top of the dark curls, feeling warm for the first time since the incident. She had forgotten how good it felt to have Yaz curled up against her.
She sighed heavily, casting her eyes at the ceiling, "What am I doing?"
Her question went unanswered, lost in the darkness. She could still feel the grief and anger of her earlier decision, but the feeling of Yaz in her arms was making her head spin.
Maybe if I just rest here for a second, she thought, settling them both down against the pillow, I just need a moment to think.
As the moment stretched into minutes, she stopped fighting the heaviness of her tired eyes, and sank into sleep, wrapped warmly around Yaz.
As early morning light filtered in past the curtains, the Doctor stirred, smiling briefly at the warm weight pressed against her. Drawing in a contented breath, she pressed her nose into the dark hair tickling her chin, inhaling the apple-scent of Gwen's borrowed shampoo. Her hand idly traced lines up and down Yaz's back, connecting up the stars on the fabric, drawing tiny constellations. She felt so small without her leather jacket, the cotton pyjamas drowning her slight frame.
As she was musing, the Doctor's fingers skated over the thicker padding of the bandages beneath.
"Oh," her breath caught in her throat and her hand stilled instantly.
Yaz had broken ribs. Her fault. The smile fading from her face, she quietly withdrew her arms, sliding the brunette onto the pillow and edging away, cold nausea gnawing at her gut. The other side of the small mattress was cool, and the Doctor shivered miserably, wrapping her arms around her chest for warmth.
She dozed in and out of sleep until Rhys stirred, stumbling out the bedroom and towards the bathroom, answering nature's morning call. Minutes later, Gwen followed suit, and the Doctor heard the electric hum of the shower. When the Welsh officer reappeared draped in a towel, she spotted the timelord and whispered in hushed tones.
"Bathroom's free if you fancy a shower?"
"Ta, might do," the Doctor smiled back, gathering up one of the towels Gwen had lent them, casting her gaze briefly over Yaz's sleeping form.
With a sigh she picked herself up and headed for the bathroom, hoping the water might clear her head a little. Shucking off her borrowed pyjamas, she stepped into the cubicle and turned her face towards the hot spray. The water pounded against skull and she stood there, feeling it wash away the hurt a little, ease the tension in her shoulder.
She reached around blindly for the shampoo, wondering idly if it was the same one Yaz had been using. Smiling slightly, she remembered the soft scent of her hair, but even as did so, she saw in her mind's eye that same hair, limp against the grey paving slab, its darkness contrasting the pale blue of Yaz's lips.
She shuddered, pushing the image away, and turning the heat up so that her skin prickled in protest.
"Good morning, gorgeous," Jack greeted her with a wink as the Doctor stepped in past the rolling cog of the Hub's entrance, "another late night with Officer Khan was it?"
She looked up at him, feeling dazed. After her shower she'd gotten dressed and slipped out of the flat before Yaz had awoken. She'd had to get out of there, go for a walk, a run, anything that would give her the space to mull things over. Naturally, her feet had led her here, her subconscious knowing what she needed.
The Hub was quiet in the early morning light, the rest of the team still at their various homes, the work-day not yet begun. She'd known the American would be here, he had nowhere else to go.
Jack saw her face and his easy smile shifted into a frown, "Ok, what's wrong?"
She shrugged, not looking at him.
He was having none of it. Pushing her down into a chair, he pushed a coffee in her direction, sat down opposite and waited.
"I can't be with Yaz."
Jack furrowed his brow, but said nothing, waiting for her to elaborate.
"She nearly died yesterday and it's my fault," the Doctor muttered flatly, shoulder slumping, "I can't put her in danger like that – it's time I took her home. She's better off without me."
The Captain said nothing, crossing his arms and raising an eyebrow in her direction.
"Oh, don't give me that," the Doctor was annoyed and confused, "You know what it's like out there – you've seen it. You've died so many times – all because of me, all my fault. But Yaz can't just come back like you, if she dies that's it – no more Yaz. And I am not having that – she deserves better, so much better than me, she deserves all the good things this universe has to offer… and I'm not one of them."
Jack rolled his eyes and shook his head disbelievingly.
"What?" she could feel anger and frustration rising in her, "I can't keep her safe, Jack! I promised I would keep her safe, then I lead her straight into danger and she almost died, alone, scared, and so far from home. D'you think just because I love her, she'll be ok? D'you think that'll protect her? Because it can't – I can't – and she's better off without me."
"That's what you think?" Jack tilted his head, "Seriously, that's what you've been mulling over since yesterday?"
The Doctor stared back at him, blinking – had he not heard what she'd said?
"What?" she repeated herself, her voice squeaking.
"Yesterday wasn't your fault," he said simply, "that glove – the Grief Gauntlet as Ianto's been calling it – was the problem. It was the responsible for killing all those people."
The timelord looked at him, face scrunched in confusion.
"Yeah, Tosh has been looking into it – she tested a sample of the water from Yaz's incident and ran it against the other ones we've got. Filled to the brim with bioluminescent life-forms. It must've been in the harbour all this time until something activated it and all those tiny creatures, causing them to act as some sort of extension. They've been travelling through the city's waterworks and living off people's life-energy – effectively drowning them. Yaz was just unlucky enough to have picked up the gauntlet. Wrong place, wrong time."
The Doctor's eyebrows rose as Jack explained but dropped into a frown again when he mentioned Yaz.
"But that's exactly what I'm saying – if it wasn't for me, she wouldn't be here in the first place?"
"But that's just it – she's alive now because of you, not despite it. Don't you see?" Jack groaned in frustration, rolling his eyes again, "If it weren't for you, we might have stopped the CPR, and later, that kiss, the time-energy, your energy – that's what saved her life. You saved her, Doctor – you. All those other people died – in the woods, in their homes, in the streets? Because you weren't there."
"But I can't be there all the time –" she started again, confused.
"I know that," Jack sighed, remembering Estelle, who had died cold and alone, "but you can be there for Yaz."
"But –"
"No buts, Doc," he smiled softly at her, "if you think for one second that she'd be better off back home, settling parking disputes, knowing what's out there – knowing you're out there all alone – then you're a fool."
An image flashed through the Doctor's head.
The old man in the little café with his red hat askew, looking past her and out of the dusty window at the red-haired woman.
"Then sometimes I see this look on her face, like she's so sad, but she can't remember why… she's making do."
"Aren't we all?" she had replied.
Jack placed a warm hand over hers, interrupting her thoughts, "I've spent enough time with both of you over the last few days to know that the two of you have something and it's worth saving."
The Doctor opened her mouth, lip wobbling slightly.
"I'm not saying it's not dangerous out there – we both know what's waiting in the darkness," Jack forestalled her, "but you've got to trust that Yaz knows what she signed up for. That girl can hold her own and she's certainly not scared, quite the ball-buster if you ask me – so what are you so afraid of, Doctor?"
"Losing her," she said simply.
Jack smiled at her and squeezed her hand.
"Then be with her. Be brave. Stop fighting it."
And it was as if those words were all she had been waiting for. Why was she fighting this? Yaz was the best thing to happen to her in such a long time - maybe Jack was right, maybe it was her turn to face her fears. With these thoughts, the weight on her shoulders seemed to become lighter and lighter until it lifted away altogether, pulling her mouth up into a smile as it did so.
"… and there's my Doctor," Jack grinned back, seeing the faint twinkle return to her eyes.
He pulled her into a tight hug, feeling her return it with a newfound energy.
Pressing his mouth to her ear, he whispered "Now, go get your girl."
She nodded, pulling back and turning around to head back out of the Hub. She froze mid-step when she glanced ahead and saw –
"Yaz?" her mouth fell open, "How long have you been standing there?"
"Long enough."
The Doctor swivelled, looking from Yaz to Jack and back again. She was lost for words.
"Yeah, I think we need to have a chat – don't you?"
Swallowing hard, the timelord looked back at Jack, who nodded almost imperceptibly.
"Good idea, yeah, love a chat, who doesn't?" she babbled, her face pale.
Yaz looked back at her, unreadable in the shadows.
"I'll be waiting for you in the TARDIS," she said, her voice loud in the silence.
And with the mechanical clunk of the door echoing around the Hub, she was gone.
The Doctor turned back to Jack again, pulling a face "Ok, how bad was that?"
Smirking slightly, he hugged her once again, "Goodbye, Doc, it's been nice knowing you."
She hugged him back, "Bad?"
"On a scale of one to Owen without his morning coffee?" he grinned into her hair, "I'd say you can expect at least three insults before breakfast."
The Doctor looked at him, panic written all over her face.
He smiled warmly back as he released her from the embrace, smoothing fond hands over her shoulders.
"Thanks for everything, Doc, and I'm sure we'll be seeing you soon," he nodded, walking her over to the Hub lift and nudging her onto it, "and remember Torchwood's got your back."
As the lift rose, taking the Doctor with it, she heard his gleeful shout from far below.
"Now, GO GET YOUR GIRL!"
*** TO BE CONTINUED ***
