A/N The challenge of this chapter was to address the issue of Helena's anger but not confuse it with the subway (sorry QLB –Metro is for places like Boston and DC) incident which was an example of Helena not losing her anger – but acting appropriately. That started to overshadow her other slip ups.
So I didn't want to drag out anger issues in the session – however – we all know Helena has to talk to Myka about the things that underlie her over-protectiveness and her willingness to hurt anyone who gets close to those she loves. OK, so maybe there is still an anger issue there.
69reggaetongirl will at least be happy with this chapter. What a challenge.
In Session
Claudia couldn't wait to get home for a couple of reasons that night. She had invited everyone over for pizza and beers to watch the football game. Eileen said she would, but would meet her at the apartment. She was still returning calls from people who wanted to interview Helena.
Steve went there as soon as he dropped off Myka. Claudia was commenting – again- on how nice it was of Eileen to suggest she go home and change into more comfortable clothing because she knew how she detested the preppy outfit.
"Look at that, she's already asking you to change into something more comfortable," Steve teased and got a sharp elbow to the side before she went to change into skinny jeans and a pullover.
A little while later, the doorbell rang and Claudia literally pushed her pseudo sibling out of the way. "Man you are head over heels, aren't you?" he said.
Eileen came in with two bags of drinks and snacks. "Always ring the doorbell with your elbow," she said meaning you should never show up empty-handed.
'She says the cutest things,' Claudia thought as she grabbed the bags and thanked her. The only thing Steve brought was the toothbrush he bought because the exterminator told him he could not gain access to the apartment yet.
"Maybe I should take a look at the apartment upstairs that's empty," Steve said and Eileen looked at Claudia. Was it time for her to move into the City?
"Yeah, that's not a good idea Jinxy. You're here too much as it is," Claudia teased him.
"Pete said he'll be here with CJ after the boss gets out of her anger Play-doh session," Steve said and now Eileen gave him a jabbing look. "We're losing our sense of humor here," he complained.
"It's not funny. Ms. Wells really doesn't need to go to that and she's not happy about it," Eileen said defensively.
"Hey, you have a front row seat to how many times she's made people wet their pants," Steve said.
"Not since Ms. Bering is there. She's much happier now. She doesn't do that anymore," Eileen reported.
"You know you're going to have to give her away at the wedding, right?" Steve said sucking down a cold beer after the day he had. Claudia couldn't help the image of Eileen as the flower girl that popped into her head.
"Oh my God, wouldn't that be wonderful?" Eileen practically squealed at the thought. "That would be the wedding of the century!"
"Don't get her all excited," Claudia said because she was allowed to tease about Eileen.
"No, that's your job Donovan," Steve said softly and moved out of the way. He only had so many ribs.
Myka sat in the waiting room and looked around. Everything was in pastel colors – from the beige carpeting to the light oak furniture at the receptionist's desk to the artwork depicting oceans at sunset and abstracts of wisps of pink and gray. Part of her wondered how Helena was doing in there. No screaming was a good sign.
Dr. Hall had told the group about their newest member. She reminded them about the code of confidentiality that they all adhered to; that the office was sanctity and nothing was to ever be repeated. Helena walked in smiling, but assessed the group immediately. Four men, three women, all well dressed, probably high powered jobs, well groomed, all but one smiling.
"Everyone, this is Helena," Dr. Hall announced and every said "Hello Helena," and she took a deep breath. They were pissing her off already. She forced a smile on her face and nodded hello.
"Helena, would you like to tell the group something about yourself," Dr. Hall said in a friendly voice.
"I do not wish to be here," Helena said truthfully.
The doctor was concerned that such a strong personality would try to set the tone for the group.
"But I understand why I am here and so I hope to learn something," Helena added and everyone smiled again.
'How- much- longer?' Helena wondered one minute after she was in there.
Then the attendees took turns telling about themselves. The Wall Street executive who worked 18 hour days and was mandated by the Board of Directors of his company was going on about how he was harsh with his staff because he wanted them to do better. Next was the singing artist who ripped apart the set at a recent morning show and that was only his latest display of his temper. He was court mandated into this group months ago. He talked about how he was so good that people should do what he wanted. Then the woman who designed clothes who worked under intense pressure for meeting deadlines talked about how she had no time for stupidity or incompetence. The elected official who slapped an intern got Helena's attention and she memorized his name and face.
Dr. Hall reminded everyone in the group that - anger is essentially a form of fear. And anger management is essentially a form of fear management. There are true tigers and there are paper tigers, true threats, and symbolic/conditioned threats. The work was to learn the difference.
Then twenty minutes into the session, Helena broke one of the rules. She excused herself.
"Myka!" she said coming into the waiting room where Myka was trying to stay awake by reading one of the magazines on the table. People magazine had a picture of Helena with a blurb about her court appearance. She sat down right next to her sleepy friend who assumed the group was on break.
"How is it going in there?" Myka asked yawning.
"Very well, I have met lots of interesting people," Helena said. "Myka, do you remember when you came to the Ware…South Dakota?"
"Yes," Myka said wondering how this came up in the meeting.
"Myka, you rescued me! You had no idea what you were facing and yet, you marched right in there and against substantial odds, you rescued me. If you had not done that, I would still be there," Helena said sincerely.
"Helena, I had people with me," Myka said downplaying it.
"…Who were there because of you, Myka. They came with you. You were able to reach me, Myka," Helena said because the Doctor's words made her think of something. That was no paper tiger.
"I had to …," Myka said thinking back to seeing Helena bronzed.
"As did I last night. I am not braver than you, Myka. You are not weak. Wanting to help you last night is what made me strong. It is the very same thing you did for me in South Dakota," Helena pointed out.
It did make Myka realize that she had rescued Helena. Somewhere in her feeling weak and scared, she had forgotten that she had been very brave, too. She pulled Helena in and kissed her cheek.
"You are the sweetest…," Myka was saying when Dr. Hall appeared in the doorway.
"Ms. Wells, we're not done in here," she said firmly.
"We will be soon," Helena winked at Myka.
"Helena," Myka said and in that one word said what she meant.
"I will," Helena said defensively. She knew exactly what Myka was saying.
"Sorry, I just had to share an insight with Ms. Bering, " Helena said to the therapist.
"Helena, why don't you tell us a little of what you're dealing with that makes it difficult for you to control you anger," Dr. Hall said.
Helena turned her head to look at each one of the participants in the group. She had never been in a situation like this. She had never been in a group she didn't control.
"My anger has served me well. It keeps me from second guessing myself, it intimidates others into doing what I want, it is …powerful," Helena started and everyone leaned in to hear her speak.
The doctor went to interject, but Helena raised her finger. She wasn't done.
"But it also shuts down communication; it does not allow room for what others are thinking. If forceful enough – it can be bullying and in your case sir," she said to the elected official, "it's assault. We are in positions of power and sometimes that power goes to our heads. Sometimes we feel justified in taking the shortcut to getting things done by mowing down anyone who is in our way. Well if Doctor Hall is correct, then we are misusing it. Next time you fly off the handle, take a good look in the other person's eyes, and see what is reflected back. I have done it and I can tell you, it's not a flattering picture. So let's do what the expert in the room tells us to do. Let's find healthier ways to get done what we want to accomplish. Ways that don't keep us up at night," Helena said and sat back.
The group wanted to applaud Helena's speech. Dr. Hall was not a neophyte in her field or in group dynamics.
"Are you afraid of your own feelings, Helena?" the therapist asked – as she had done with each of the members.
Helena's slowly lifted her head. If anger was the wrong response to emotional threats as the therapist was saying, she was about to see it in action.
"I am in control of my feelings," Helena said and the more seasoned analysands all sat back in their seats. This woman was starting to annoy Helena.
"Helena, we are hardwired for anger. It is appropriate when we are truly physically threatened. But emotional issues are not the same thing. We can deal with the frustration that underlies our anger. Do you believe that true fearlessness is staying with 'what is', Helena, no matter how uncomfortable?" the woman asked softly.
Helena wanted to remind this woman that she had experienced therapy with the goddamn Father of Psychoanalysis, Sigmund Freud, but then she might think she had delusions and commit her.
"I believe in getting things done," Helena said trying to stay in control.
The therapist knew that if Helena was going to learn better ways of dealing with anger, she had to express the feelings under the anger. Helena felt she should be clearer to the doctor.
"I do not let people harm the people I love. If you were to go outside and raise your hand to Ms. Bering, I would remove your arm from your body," Helena said leaning over in her seat.
If Helena had bothered to read the pages of information the receptionist handed her, she might have read the rules that all members agreed to. Not threatening anyone in the group was number one on the list.
"We are not talking about physically threatening anyone, Helena. And yet you want me to know that if I cross a line, you will cause me physical harm. I understand that after what happened last night," the doctor said and everyone nodded. "Your response to defend is not in question here, Helena. It's your reaction to things that are not physical. When the judge said something you did not agree with, when someone says something you find distasteful. You perceived these as real threats and acted on them," the therapist said.
"I have a higher standard of what is civilized," Helena said.
"And yet you did not react civilly," Dr. Hall pointed out.
She then addressed the group. "That's why righteous anger is so rewarding: It reinforces our illusion of being in control. But wisdom, too, can give us a sense of control. Indeed, learning to acknowledge relative truths without clinging to absolutes allows us to be in control of our reactions to this bewildering and befuddling fluidity of reality. Wisdom is a more sophisticated, more elevated kind of high, a high without the hangover of conflict and regret," she shared.
The session was over and Helena was the first one to stand up to leave. "Helena, I'd like to speak to you," Dr. Hall said and Helena's shoulders sunk as she sighed.
Myka had closed her eyes for just a minute, but jumped when she heard the voices of the others coming out.
"Well this is going to be a lot more interesting," one of them said and Myka had a sneaky suspicion she knew what they meant. She kept expecting to see Helena walk out. When the last woman out closed the door behind her, she saw Myka looking.
"She'll be right out," the woman assured her.
"Oh oh," Myka said softly.
Seconds later the door opened up and Helena came out closing the door behind her. It wasn't a slam, but it wasn't gentle either.
Myka got up and went to her. She could tell Helena was bothered, but no angry. That was good.
"I have homework!" Helena said indignantly, shoving the papers into Myka's hand. "Bloody homework," the Brit repeated walking out.
Myka put her hand over her mouth to suppress the laugh. Was there nothing this woman did that Myka didn't find adorable about her? It was a good start, Myka decided.
"It's okay, Helena," Myka assured her as they made their way to the car. "Assignments are just reinforcement that's all."
"I do not have time for homework!" Helena complained.
"It could be worse, Helena," Myka said biting her lip. "You could have gotten detention."
"Not funny, Bering, not funny at all." Helena said smiling.
Is it too late for a kempo lesson?
