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4.03 I Heart NJ.
Native
"Wow, she really quit," marvels Lily as the on-screen Robin stands up and unclips her microphone, "You think we had anything to do with that?"
"Yeah, I think we did," he murmurs proudly.
"Nice job, Barney,"
He's not bad. Okay, perhaps he only did talked Robin into finally quitting because he's in love with her- but even so, he's not bad. Lily bumps his fist.
"Oh my God! Thank you!" Barney cries, wrangling his arm free from the pulley it's been attached to for the past ten minutes "That was killing my arm,"
He winces, gabbling, "My arm hasn't been this sore since I was thirteen years old and figured out how to lock a bathroom. Up top!"
Victoriously, he throws his arm out for a high-five- and it freezes. Rigid. Stuck.
"Oh no,"
"What?"
"It- I can't…Oh my God, my arm's stuck!" he tries to move but his muscles are jammed, "Lily- oh my- crap!- I can't move my arm! It must've got stuck in this position- are you laughing?"
"Yes," she splutters.
"It's not funny! I'm- I'm frozen!"
"Do you want me to try and move it?"
"Could you? Be gentle, okay?"
"Didn't realise you liked it that way," she winks.
"I'd high-five you now if I wasn't stuck here already,"
"Okay, I'm going to touch your shoulder. Hold still,"
Lily puts one hand to where his shoulder meets his back, and the other to his fore-arm, and presses gently.
Barney screams.
"So you're now unable to move your arm from that position?" clarifies Marshall as the three on them walk back to the station (after his big decision to move there permanently, Ted's elected to stay the night at Stella's).
"Yeah," mutters Barney, "Thanks to you not bumping me all night,"
A taxi slows beside them, and Lily leans over to explain the driver that they don't need a ride- they just have a friend who's stuck in a position which makes him look like he's permanently hailing a cab. The driver looks bemused, but drives on.
"This is going to be so fun," beams Marshall.
"I need my physio," grumbles Barney, shoving his free hand on his pocket. "Lily was no help,"
"You yelled like I was doing an amputation," she argues, "Injured Barney is even worse than Sick Barney. Besides, I'm the one who finally did bump you,"
"Can you say 'tap' next time?" he puts in, "'I finally tapped you,'; 'I tapped Barney tonight, like we've both been waiting for for so long,'"
Lily says nothing and gives him an evil eye.
"I was talking about my fist!"
"Texting with one hand is harder than it looks," Barney announces to the station platform, which is empty apart from himself, Lily, and the coffee booth in the corner where Marshall is.
"You texting Robin?" asks Lily.
"Nah; Ted. Chekin' up on his and Stella's make-up sex," he beams.
"Ever wonder if you and him are slightly too close as bros?"
"No way. One: I'm asking how it's going- not what exactly he's doing with her. Bro Code Article 146: A Bro refrains from using too much detail when relating sexual exploits to his Bros. Two: Ted's my best friend; I have to check up on him,"
"Actually, Ted's Marshall's best-"
"I have to check up on him,"Barney repeats firmly.
Lily meanders a few yards up the platform, then turns around and meanders back.
"You got closer to telling Robin how you feel about her today," she tells him.
"Hmm,"
"That stuff about those girls who look like they hate themselves after they hook up with you again, and how no one will bet unless you bet on yourself- it kind of worked. She quit Metro News 1,"
"I can make good analogies about sex and gambling," Barney shrugs, "It's what I know best,"
"So you gonna tell her?" asks Lily eagerly.
"What that I'm…no, I can't. I can't," he replies wearily.
"You came close tonight,"
"And that's as close as I'm going to get. I think it's as close as I want to get,"
"It won't go away," Lily tells him.
"What- feelings? Having a girlfriend's like having the 'flu, right?" says Barney, "So having feelings for a girl is like having a slight cold. I'll sit tight, wrap up warm, and wait for it to go away,"
She looks him in the eye, "It won't and you know it won't,"
"You think you're gonna be okay with Ted living out in NJ?"
"Probably. We'll do this every week or so; get the train out to visit him. We should be able to find a- aw, who am I kidding, Barney- it's awful," Lily admits.
"Tell me about it," he half-laughs, "I'll have lost my wingman, you'll have lost your…brother, or whatever he is to you,"
"Yeah, I suppose he's like my brother," Lily agrees, "It'll be wrong without him. Ted's the reason we all know each other, if you think about it. He's the link,"
"He's my heart, my whole universe," proclaims Barney in a melodramatic theatre voice.
"It'll be weird not living all together," notes Lily, "I've lived with Ted for eight years,"
"At least you'll be free of his labelling," Barney points out.
"You have a point. He can label all of New Jersey now if he wants. Ugh, New Jersey," she shudders.
"Of all places!" chimes in Barney, "Because what?- the kid wanted him to read her some bedtime stories? I thought Ted had more integrity,"
"Well, it's different for them, isn't it?" says Lily, nodding at Marshall, whose on the seat opposite, looking out of the window and playing a one-man game of Zitchdog.
"What do you mean?"
"Ted, Marshall, Robin- they're not New Yorkers. They don't…it's not the same for them as it is for you and me,"
He'd never thought of that before. "I guess not,"
"You feel different if you came to live here than if you grew up here,"
"You don't think they're real New Yorkers?"
"No way," scoffs Lily, "Can you imagine Ted or Marshall being rude enough to steal a cab? Can you imagine Robin crying on the subway? I can't see her or Ted catching a cockroach, either,"
"I caught the cockamouse," Marshall reminds them, before turning his gaze back to the window.
"They moved here all; the City's not part of them the way it's part us," Lily explains.
"This is getting deep," notes Barney warily.
"You get what I mean though?"
"God, yeah,"
When they arrive back in the station in Manhattan, Marshall and Lily head to the subway, and Barney goes outside to the taxi rank.
"See you tomorrow," says Marshall.
"Yeah. Hopefully I'll have got my damn arm fixed by then. How am I going to sleep tonight?" he grouches crossly, "Anyway, bye,"
"Bye,"
Lily and Marshall head through the crowd towards the subway entrance. There's a queue for the ticket barriers and they wait, bored, as commuters go in and out and tourists interrogate staff over how the subway system works. Chatter, footsteps, and the whirring clunk of the subway echo around the expanse of the station.
Suddenly, there's hear a voice calling after them.
"Lil- wait,"
They turn to see Barney jogging towards them, his free hand inside his jacket. He stops abruptly in front of them and says breathlessly-
"I saw a flower stall, but then I thought that would be unbelievably lame, and that's what you have Marshall for. I know I promised you ten thousand but I don't carry that on me, so here's my lowest offer from earlier tonight- one hundred dollars,"
He pulls out his wallet, counts out five twenty-dollar bills and thrusts them into her hand.
"Why are you giving me a hundred dollars?" Lily asks, bemused (but she takes the notes from his hand anyway).
He looks at her as if it's obvious.
"To say thank you. For bumping my fist. I mean, if you'd have done it earlier I wouldn't be stuck like this, but I owe you a thanks anyway,"
"Well, you're welcome,"
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