Disclaimer: Anything Twilight belongs to Stephenie Meyer
AN - Bit of a shorter chapter today but I hope you like it :) The chapter title comes from the Christina Perri song Arms as that was what inspired a lot of it. Totally awesome song so if you've not heard it before, listen to it!
Chapter 27 – Arms
Edward didn't know what to say, having expected a little more time to work up to it but considering how nervous Bella appeared and how he was feeling sicker by the minute with just the thought of what they had to talk about she was right to jump straight into it.
"When we kissed yesterday...it wasn't you I ran away from. It...triggered some memories..." He started before trailing off as he was having difficulty getting the words out. She needed to know but now that it came to telling her he didn't want to do it. He didn't want to see the look on her face when she found out. It was much harder than telling Carlisle and Esme had been and he realised it was because even though he knew he couldn't have Bella he still wanted her more than anything. He didn't want to lose her.
"What memories?" Bella prompted after a moment seeing that Edward seemed to be struggling with what he was trying to say and wasn't volunteering anything more.
"Forgotten ones." He answered while lifting his gaze to meet hers and willing her to understand so he wouldn't have to say it. They'd only spoken about it the day before, surely she'd remember. He didn't think he could get the words out by himself.
"Forgotten ones?" She echoed a little confused. She could see from the way he was looking her that she was meant to understand what that meant but there were so many things that could be forgotten. As he nodded and continued to stare at her she tried to remember all the things they'd ever talked about before the conversation at her kitchen table the day before came to mind. "You mean with Lucy's mother?"
When Edward nodded and he started to look worried as he watched her she wondered what he was expecting her to say. What was there she could say? It wasn't really what she'd wanted him to think about while kissing her but she didn't know why it seemed to be such a big deal to him. Surely it shouldn't have made him want to run so badly or act so strangely now.
"Okay..." She eventually mumbled hoping he'd add something more to help her figure out what he was getting at as it was obvious she was missing something.
"It...it wasn't...consensual. I was... drugged." Edward eventually managed to spit out. The urge to run gripping him again as he waited for Bella to react to what he'd said. It took a moment for it to register but when it did her eyes went wide and her mouth dropped open as she stared at him.
"You were...raped?" That was what she thought he was telling her but she didn't want it to be. Just the idea of it was too horrible. The word itself felt weird on her tongue and she saw the way he winced as she said it.
Edward hated the way that word sounded and all the connotations that came with it but he nodded, dropping his gaze as he was no longer able to watch her reaction. He didn't want to see the disgust he was sure would be present in her eyes.
"Are you ok?" She asked knowing it was a stupid question but unable to think of anything else to say right then. If he'd had no memory of it before it had to have come as a shock and she couldn't even imagine trying to deal with something like that suddenly presenting itself. Edward didn't respond verbally but the slight shrug of his shoulders and the fact he still wasn't looking at her told her all she needed to know. He was far from ok.
"Have you talked to anyone else about this?" She wondered as his usual methods for dealing with things seemed to be to try and keep them to himself and ignore them till they went away. She was pretty sure that wouldn't work in this case and while she didn't really want to hear any more details as just knowing the gist of it was bad enough, if she was the only one he was willing to talk to she'd listen.
"Carlisle and Esme this morning. When I told them what happened yesterday they said I should talk to you but I was planning to anyway. It wouldn't have been fair not to." He commented quietly and while she was relieved he'd spoken to them, especially as Carlisle would be much better placed for helping him work through it, the rest of his comment made their kiss come back to the forefront of her mind and the realisation of what she'd done made her feel sick.
"You had no idea what had happened before yesterday?" She asked quietly just for confirmation.
"No, when I woke up the day after the party I couldn't remember any of it and felt really rough. I just assumed I'd gotten drunk and it was a hangover. I didn't think about it much after that and it wasn't until Lucy's mother left her with me that I knew anything had happened at all that night. Then there were other, more urgent things to be thinking about and I just never questioned it. I guess it was easier to just let it go and believe the easy explanation. Carlisle says the drugs would have caused the initial memory loss, after that it was probably a defence mechanism that made me avoid anything that would trigger them." He explained, still refusing to look at Bella but finding it easier to talk about something that wasn't directly connected to the actual memories.
"And me kissing you brought it all back?" She questioned and when he nodded in response she was surprised he even wanted to talk to her again. It was easy to see why he'd felt the need to run from her and keep his distance at the house. "I'm so sorry."
"Why do you keep saying that? None of this is your fault." Edward asked, his gaze snapping back to her face as he tried to figure out what she was thinking. It should have been him grovelling for forgiveness, yet she was sitting there looking close to tears as she apologized.
"It's not yours either. I'm just so sorry that I pushed you into kissing me, I knew it was too soon but you seemed to want it too." She answered sadly, hating that she'd inadvertently caused him pain. "If I'd known it would bring back those memories for you I would never have suggested it."
Edward stared at her not comprehending what she was saying. It sounded like she was apologizing for him remembering what he had yet that couldn't be right as it wasn't her fault he'd blocked them away for so long that they chose that moment to break free. She really wasn't making any sense.
"You're apologizing? For what I remembered?" He finally had to ask when she didn't appear to be attempting to say anything else.
"It was me that triggered them was it not?" She asked with a shrug.
"I guess..." Edward trailed off as he couldn't deny that it had been their kiss that had brought the memory back to him. He was so lost, this was not anywhere near the reaction he had been expecting.
"So I'm sorry." She responded like it made perfect sense.
"But...no...it wasn't your fault...and the way I ran out...I should be the one apologizing. Why aren't you angry with me?" He was so bewildered he just wanted to understand why she was still sitting there with him. It didn't make any sense.
"Angry? Edward why would I be angry with you? Sure it hurt a little at the time when you ran out like that and wouldn't talk to me but even then I could see you were hurting too. The only thing I've really been is worried about you." She explained hurriedly, starting to get a little worried again at Edward's lack of understanding. It was like he was unable to understand anything she was saying and while her thought processes didn't always come out in the most articulate of ways she was pretty sure she was still speaking in English.
"You shouldn't worry about me, I'm not worth it." Edward muttered making her stare at him in shock that he could say such a thing.
"How can you say that after everything I said to you yesterday? I meant it then and I still do now, that hasn't changed. Of course I'm going to worry about you when it's obvious something is wrong." She said, not sure whether to be offended at his disregard for her feelings or worried that he hadn't or couldn't understand them.
"How can you say that? After what I just told you, you shouldn't even still be here." He answered miserably. He was still waiting for it to click for her, and this dragged out conversation would only make the moment where she realised how little he was worth and left so much more painful.
"Ok I'm lost. Why wouldn't I still be here? You've remembered a horrible event from your past, so what? I know it might make things a little more difficult but you're still you. You're still the guy who dotes on his daughter, lets a group of five and six year olds cover him in make-up just for their entertainment and volunteers to wear a plastic tiara just to make me smile. If you still want me around then I'm still here." She answered totally stunning Edward as he tried to get his head round what she was telling him. Considering what happened the day before she wasn't sure stressing how she felt about him was the best idea but just like then she couldn't stand to see him putting himself down and it was the only way she could think to get him to see sense. If he could just see what she saw in him then maybe he'd be able to see it too instead of the warped version of himself he seemed to see that was based on his own and other peoples' misconceptions.
"You're not...disgusted?" He asked, his voice trembling ever so slightly. He wanted to believe what she was saying so badly but it just didn't make sense.
"Of course not! God Edward how could you ever think that?" She was appalled he could think it yet it made it obvious why he seemed so confused by her responses. As he sat there looking so lost she wanted nothing more than to cross the room and hug him. Words didn't seem to be getting through but she wasn't sure actions were a very good idea either after what their kiss had caused. She really didn't want to unleash any more unwanted memories. Any contact from now on would have to be initiated by him.
"I don't...understand." Edward mumbled quietly deciding to just go with voicing what was in his head and see where that got them. All this confusion was beginning to give him a headache.
"You really don't do you?" Bella sighed before deciding somebody was going to have to do something and since she was the only one there it was going to have to be her. Edward couldn't go on thinking the way he was. Even if what she was going to say would be blunt and even maybe going over the line she had to at least try to get through to him. "What happened to you was outside of your control, it was a horrible, cruel attack much like the way you've been attacked recently. That one event does not define who you are. Not only that but you've taken something brutal and turned it into something amazing with Lucy and who you've grown to be. It's not surprising that you blocked the memory for so long but the fact you're now remembering it, while unfortunate, probably just means you're better placed to deal with it and that's because you've got people around you now who care about you and want to help. I know I don't know much about your life before Lucy but it's apparent from what you have said about how they reacted to her that you didn't have the support you needed then. Knowing what you've told me now, I'm not disgusted or repulsed or any other negative emotion you can think up. It doesn't change how I see you or how I feel about you, all it does is help explain things a little better, like why you pull away. What you've remembered may be terrible but you've got to stop dwelling on it, look at the good thing it gave you in Lucy instead and even Carlisle and Esme as you wouldn't have found them if it hadn't been for Lucy. If you can't see the good, then we'll just have to keep pointing it out for you. You can't keep taking responsibility for other peoples' bad behaviour. The only thing that would make me walk away from you is if you told me you didn't want me here."
"I do want you here." Edward responded after a moment thinking that she was one of the good things she was talking about as if Lucy hadn't made friends with Anna he wouldn't have taken the chance of getting to know her. He wasn't completely convinced by her way of thinking but if she was that determined to overlook everything and still want to be around him then he knew he'd be stupid to turn her away. A small part of him even agreed with what she'd said.
"Good, so how about I stay and make us some dinner?" Bella suggested, pleased that he wasn't just brushing off what she'd said and instead seemed to be thinking about it a little. It would take a while for him to stop thinking of himself the way he was but hopefully she'd made a start in getting him to question it a little. Someday he had to see what an amazing person he was and if she could help him get there she would. For now though she thought he'd probably had enough of talking.
"Only if I can help." Edward agreed, managing to find a smile which only grew when Bella returned it. She always seemed to make him feel better and that day was no different, now he'd got passed the hard part and she was still there he was all too happy to change the subject for a while and try and have some fun. He knew they'd probably have to revisit it all at some point but he needed a break which she seemed willing to provide. She was the first person who didn't seem to be trying to make him talk about everything and he was grateful for it.
"Come on then, let's go see what you've got left in the kitchen." She commented as she moved through the living room only for Edward to reach out and catch her hand as she passed him.
"Thank you." He murmured before shocking them both when he pulled her further in for a hug.
"You're welcome." She responded even though she wasn't entirely sure what he was thanking her for. When he didn't instantly pull back from the hug like she'd expected, she gingerly returned it before hugging him properly when he still didn't try to pull back. It felt too good for her to end it if she didn't have to.
When Edward finally did step back he was blushing slightly as he looked at her. He was still smiling but she could see he was nervous as he lifted a hand to run through his hair.
"Do you...do you still want..." He asked hesitantly waving his other hand between the two of them and guessing what he was asking she nodded. She wasn't sure it was the answer he was looking for after what he'd just discovered he'd been through but she wasn't going to lie to him especially not after the way she'd already tried to make it clear how she felt about him. He had to know that if he wanted her, she would be there. She didn't want him to ever doubt that.
"Do you?" She found herself asking in return when he didn't say anything straight away and appeared to be more thoughtful than scared. It made her wonder if he did still want something to happen between them like he had the day before but it seemed unlikely after what he'd remembered. Surely he wouldn't feel comfortable with the idea of a relationship after the way he'd been violated especially as the fact he'd only just remembered what had happened would no doubt make it feel like it happened recently, not five years ago. Truly expecting a negative response and already resolved to accept it and just be the friend he needed she was totally surprised by his answer.
"I think so...I just, I'm not...well with everything it might be awkward..." He trailed off not really knowing what he was saying anymore. He really didn't want to lead her on as he wasn't sure how it would go, whether Carlisle would be right about the flashbacks or not but he didn't want to lose her and if there was a chance he could do it, he wanted to try. If she could overlook all his faults then he could at least try to do the same and work on being the man she deserved as although he couldn't understand it, he seemed to be the man she wanted.
"Are you sure this is what you want? I don't want you to feel pressured into something you're not ready for just because of what I've said. If you just want to be friends it's ok." She told him unsure whether his hesitance was nerves or his urge to make everyone else happy at his own expense kicking in. She really didn't want him getting into something he wasn't ready for just because he thought she wanted it.
"I've wanted to be with you since the first time we talked. If you still want to, I want to try, it's just...Carlisle said I may get more flashbacks in certain situations and I don't want to lead you on." He answered, mumbling the last sentence and dropping his gaze to the floor. Bella reached out to take hold of his hand and squeezed it gently to make him look at her again.
"Of course I still want to and we can take things as slow as you want. I'm in no rush." She responded making him smile shyly.
"I don't deserve you." He mumbled as he looked to where their hands were still joined and moved to link his fingers through hers. The contact was sending a buzz through him which made it so much easier to forget all his reasons why he was meant to stay away from Bella.
"True, you deserve so much more." She commented also glancing to their joined hands and feeling that same buzz. She missed Edward shaking his head slightly in denial of her words but as he lifted his gaze back to her face she looked up too and as they smiled to each other they were both hit with the strong feeling that this was right. It might not be easy, and it might take time and a lot of patience but where they were, hand in hand was where they were meant to be. It was home.
Edward watched Bella as she moved around his kitchen wondering how a day that had started so poorly could end so well. He hadn't expected Bella to even turn up and had definitely not expected her to stay so for her to still be there, and apparently still interested in him was nothing short of a miracle. While he still wasn't convinced, her comments had stuck and whereas before there'd been nothing but despair there was now a little hope. She was right when it came to Lucy, he wouldn't have had her without that night, and he couldn't imagine not having her now so even though it had been one of the worst nights of his life, it had given him the best thing in it. It had also lead him to Carlisle and Esme who had already proved themselves to care more about him than his own parents and to Bella.
When he'd pulled her into the hug he hadn't really thought about it until his arms were wrapped around her but as she returned it, the fear he'd been expecting never came. Instead he could actually enjoy the feel of it and for the first time in a very long time he felt totally at peace. There was something about the way her body fit against his, and the subtle strawberry scent that surrounded her that made all his worries cease to exist so that all that mattered was staying exactly where he was. It was reminiscent of the way Lucy could eclipse anything else going on in his life and it was odd for him to feel that about someone else. Holding her just felt right and now there was no misplaced fear to mask it.
That revelation was what caused him to ask if she still wanted to be with him. He was still convinced she shouldn't but she was insistent that she did so even though he wasn't sure how he'd cope with it he wanted to try. Maybe her faith in him would be enough for both of them.
"What happened to the wall?" Bella suddenly asked, jerking Edward out of his thoughts. Seeing that she was pointing the knife she'd been using at the freshly plastered circle near the door he couldn't help but smile again at his brother's stupidity.
"Emmett." He answered simply watching as her face scrunched up cutely in confusion before something seemed to click and she matched his smile.
"So that's what happened to his hand? Why'd he do that?" She asked unaware she'd headed into dangerous territory.
"That was his response to Carlisle telling him what happened to me." He explained and as his thoughts automatically went to what Carlisle had said, his smile fell and Bella regretted asking anything about the wall. Wanting to do anything to get a smile back on his face she dropped that topic and quickly tried to think of something else to talk about.
"How about we play twenty questions while we cook?" She suggested in an attempt to distract him. If they were serious about starting a relationship there were still plenty of things they had to learn about each other.
Eager to think about anything else, Edward happily accepted Bella's suggestion and they managed to have fun cooking dinner as they stuck to pretty basic questions like favourite colours and TV shows, keeping the conversation light. At the same time as answering the questions, Bella showed him how to cook the pasta bake she'd made for him and Lucy before and while they moved around the kitchen she noticed him getting closer than he usually would, their arms brushing against each other or his hand landing on her shoulder or waist as he walked by. The kitchen was small, but not small enough for the close proximity to be necessary and it made her smile to think that maybe one of his walls had come down. She'd meant it when she said they'd go slow but it was an encouraging sign that he seemed to like the contact as she certainly did. Even so, she tried not to let on that she'd noticed what he was doing in case she scared him off and instead tried to keep her concentration on the cooking.
When everyone else arrived home they'd finished eating and were curled up on the sofa together, Edward having pulled her closer once they'd sat down so she was resting against his shoulder. Lucy grinned brightly at them both before climbing up onto Edward's lap so she could tell them all about the pizza restaurant Esme had taken them too. While Lucy had Edward's attention it left Bella to meet Esme's gaze as she stood by the doorway. There was no missing the pleased smile on her face as she looked at the way they were sitting together and Bella felt herself blushing under the scrutiny but she was relieved Esme seemed happy. There was no missing the grin on Emmett's face as he trailed in after everyone else and spotted Bella and Edward. Bella was just thankful he didn't actually comment as she was sure if he had, it would have embarrassed Edward into moving away and she was quite happy where she was.
She stayed for a little while longer but Edward began to look tired and when he started rubbing at his left shoulder as if it was bothering him she knew it was time to go. He looked a little disappointed when she said she needed to get home but he didn't argue so she assumed she'd guessed right that he was starting to feel a little rough. Even though she said it wasn't necessary he still walked her to the door and when they got there he pulled her into another hug. She loved how it felt to be wrapped in his arms, he was tall enough that if felt like she was totally encased, the top of her head easily tucking in under his chin. He seemed as reluctant to pull back from it as she did but she had to get home and as he let go of her he started to rub at his shoulder again.
"Is your shoulder bothering you?" She couldn't help but ask, automatically worrying about him.
"A little, the bathroom floor wasn't the most comfortable of mattresses." He answered with a half smile which didn't hide the cloud that started to cover his eyes letting her know where his thoughts had gone and why he'd spent the night on the bathroom floor.
"Remember what I said, don't dwell on the bad and think about the positives. I'll call you tomorrow if you're not up to the school run." She said taking hold of his hand and linking her fingers through his like he'd done before and it seemed to cheer him as the cloud vanished from his eyes as he smiled slightly again.
"I'll try, text me when you get home so I'll know Poppy didn't break down on you?" He asked making Bella smile as he made the effort not to lose himself in his thoughts by teasing her. With a playful scowl she informed him that both her and Poppy would get home just fine as Poppy would wait until he was in need of a lift to break down if he kept talking about her like that and was able to leave with a final glance at Edward's glowing smile.
"Daddy?" Lucy's voice called from behind Edward as he closed and locked the front door. When he turned around to face her she was standing in the living room doorway looking at him curiously.
"What's up Luce?" He asked holding his arms out for a hug, an invitation that she happily accepted.
"Are you ok?" She asked.
"I'm good baby, I promise." He answered, for once telling the truth as although his shoulder hurt, he was tired and he'd had enough of talking for one day the prospect of getting closer to Bella definitely made it better. He could see her studying his expression and watched the smile slowly spread across her own face.
"Bella made you better?" She questioned and he grinned at the fact they were thinking exactly the same thing.
"Yes she did. You wouldn't mind if we saw her a little more often would you?" He asked, pretty sure that she wouldn't but thinking it was probably best to check. Now he'd accepted it and had a taste of what it could be like, he wanted to spend a lot more time around Bella and if that was to happen it was going to have to include Lucy. Luckily the large smile lighting her face told him all he needed to know.
"I'd like that." She told him enthusiastically.
"Good, I think I would too. Now I think it's bed time for someone." He announced, sweeping Lucy into his arms and making her giggle.
"I don't want to go to bed yet." She complained but it was already past her bedtime as Esme had kept them out at the restaurant quite late and he was tired enough that he wanted to go to bed himself.
"Tough, you've got school tomorrow and it's already late." He told her before dropping her onto her bed, making her giggle again. He loved that sound.
After instructing her to get her pyjamas on, he left her room to go and get her glass of milk and was thankful when neither Esme nor Emmett tried to help him as they let him just enjoy the little bit of normalcy with his daughter while they stayed where they were chatting quietly in the living room.
He got Lucy tucked into bed then settled down next to her on top of the covers as he gave in to her pleading for a bedtime story as it was something she rarely asked for. It only took half an hour for her eyes to start to close against her will so he closed the book and leant down to kiss her forehead.
"Love you baby." He told her quietly, receiving a mumbled version in return as she slipped off to sleep. After putting the book away on the bookshelf in her room he turned the light out and carefully pulled the door shut, leaving it a little ajar in case she needed something in the night.
His phone bleeped a little while later just after he'd climbed into his own bed, having said goodnight to Emmett and Esme who were still up talking in the living room. When he reached over to pick it up he discovered it was the text from Bella telling him that she had indeed arrived home safely with a happy well behaving Poppy. It was quite a long winded text as she went on to explain that she'd meant to text him earlier only Phil had made an unexpected early return home and their house was chaos. As the text rambled on, it made him smile as it was so typically Bella, typed the same way she talked. He sent her a short reply saying he was glad she made it home and goodnight before he put his phone down and pulled the covers up around him. He was still smiling as he closed his eyes and he couldn't help but hope this would be a turning point for him. He'd reached the lowest he thought he could get that morning so surely that meant things had to start getting better. With Bella around he was hopeful they would and he was willing to try her way of thinking to make sure his past didn't ruin their future.
