Hey, everyone! So guess what? I'm not dead! I'm just moving on to Archive of our Own. I like to work there a lot more. But I'm going to start updating again. This was written for asexual week 2014 (I think) so here we go! Love you all so much. Thank you for sticking with me.
-Iris
Cosette was ten years old when she finally drew up the courage to ask her father a question that had been niggling at her for months. She wasn't sure how he would take it, 'cause sometimes bad memories really beat him over the head and made him have flashbacks. Dad said it was because of something called PTSD, and he said he'd tell Cosette why he sometimes locked himself in his room for three hours and then raged for a while before coming back out just fine. "All in good time, sweet pea," he'd said.
This wasn't a particularlybad question, but you really never knew how Dad was gonna react. Cosette just wanted to know why Dad never got married. He had two kids – her and her half-brother, Julien – but he never found a wife. Cosette knew a little bit of murky history about her and her half-brother and where they came from, but some loose ends just didn't tie up. She knew that her mom had had Julien when she was really young, like fourteen. She'd actually raised him for a while – till he seven. Then she had Cosette. They had different dads, so Julien got his dad's last name, and Cosette got Dad – well, her technically adopted dad's last name. Mom died when Cosette was like two after she got involved in some nasty stuff that she wasn't actually allowed to know about. Then Dad adopted them and things turned a lot better.
So, Cosette knew all that, but she was still confused. Dad had been raising her and Julien for years and they thought of him as their actual dad, so why shouldn't they get another mom? Julien was older and grumpier and actually had memories of Mom, but Cosette knew he wouldn't begrudge Dad for marrying another woman. He wasn't like that.
And Dad was a really handsome guy. Kinda older, but Cosette once heard her friend 'Chetta's mom call him a "silver fox." That was gross, but apparently when older guys were handsome, that's what they were. Adults were weird. Plenty of the moms – single and otherwise – at Cosette's school said Dad was attractive, but he never gave them the time of day. He never went on dates and didn't even look at pretty women on the street the way Julien's friend Courf did.
So Cosette was gonna ask him. Today! She was ready, dressed up in a brave outfit: overalls. You could really do anything in overalls, Cosette reasoned. You could get dirty and didn't have to worry about them ripping because they were durable. That was the word. Durable. She knew it because it was a word of the day in her fifth grade class, and her sentence (My shoes are durable because they didn't get soaked with blood from her body!) got her sent to the guidance counselor's office, but she still thought it was cool.
She practiced what she gonna ask one more time in her head and then marched across the house to the backyard. She passed Julien's room on the way there and heard a moan coming from it. Ew. He was probably doing "adult stuff" with his boyfriend Nicolas Grantaire in there. Cosette gave the door two quick pounds and whisper-yelled, "Quiet down! Dad's home and that's gross!" then ran away. Julien would probably kill her later, but she'd saved his butt on more than one occasion with the old two-pound-whisper-yell. All she had to do was remind him of that (and maybe threaten to tell Dad) and then he wouldn't kill her.
When she reached the sliding glass door that led to their backyard, she took a deep breath and slid it open. There was Dad, relaxing in the pool. It didn't lookvery relaxing in there, as it was raining and cold, but Dad said it reminded him of the old days and sometimes he just needed to be in the rain to get some perspective on life. She grabbed her favorite purple umbrella from the porch and then jumped off it, running over to Dad. "Dad!" she called, her brown braids swinging.
Dad jolted like someone had slapped him. He must've been in a "reverie" as he said it was called. "Yes, sweet pea?" he said. He looked weary.
Cosette sat down on the wet poolside and let her feet dangle in the cold water. "Dad, I've got an important question, okay?"
"What's that, Cosette?" Now Dad looked wary.
Cosette looked down at her feet under the chlorinated water and observed how pale her toes looked for a moment. She twirled her purple umbrella over her head and watched the specks of rain fly off it. "Dad…you know you've been raising me and Julien for a long time now, and you've been doing a really good job. Probably better than Mom could've done. But…haven't you ever…I dunno…wanted a wife? I mean, you said you'd never even had a wife before you adopted us. That sounds really lonely. I just thought that it might be nice to have a mom who I remember, y'know? Who's not dead. Who's not just this memory that everyone but me has. And aren't you lonely?" Cosette paused for a second before summing up her thoughts with, "Dad, I think it's time to get remarried."
Dad looked amused and sad all at once. "Cosette, I've wondered how long it would be before you asked me something like this. Before I explain, let me say I am very sorry that you never got the chance to be with your mother in the way Julien was, and I am very sorry she passed away and couldn't raise you two. She could have been a wonderful mother." Cosette nodded. Hearing Dad reassure her like this felt good. "But…hmm…how do I start this? Cosette, do you know what a sexuality is?"
"Oh, yeah. I do! Like being gay or straight or bi and stuff. Like Julien and Grantaire!" Cosette said excitedly. She was pretty damn informed on the subject – pardon the curse – and was proud of it. She couldn't feel her feet anymore, and then pulled them out of the pool. A sudden thought crossed her mind and she sat up ramrod straight, knocking the umbrella out her own grasp. It landed in a purple heap next to her and the rain immediately soaked her. "Dad…are you gay?" At Dad's pained expression, Cosette tried to fix her words. "I mean…there's nothing wrong with that! My own brother's gay and I don't care at all! Just…why didn't you tell me?!"
"Sweetie, I'm not gay. Calm down. You are right, though, there is absolutely nothing wrong with being attracted to the same gender," Dad explained quickly. "Love is love."
"Love is love," Cosette agreed. "But Dad, why the gay-straight questions?"
"Sweet pea, I don't want a wife because I – ugh. Good Lord, how do I describe this to a child? Look, there are many sexualities than homosexual, heterosexual, and bisexual. I will teach you them. I'm…unique, I suppose, as I don't experience sexual attraction. I have no desire to be with anyone – man, woman, or otherwise – in a sexual way."
"Oh," Cosette said, confused. "Well, can't you get married anyway? Sex isn't all there is in love, right? That's what Julien told me. He said, 'Cosette, if the only thing a man wants from you is sex, kick him to the curb. Then tell Dad and I and we'll kick him harder.'"
Dad chuckled, and Cosette smiled. "This is true, dear. Both of those things. But…I also don't experience romantic attraction. I don't like labels, but you would call me – aromatic asexual. That means that I don't want neither romance nor do I want sex. I don't love the way Julien loves Nic. I love you and Julien – and that boy, Nicolas – but I do not and will not love anyone the way you love a boyfriend or girlfriend or otherwise. Do you get that?"
Cosette was very confused now. "So, Dad, you love your kids, but you can't love a wife?"
"Exactly."
"Oh…but you do love us, right?"
"Of course I do. I always will."
"Oh." Cosette paused, then grabbed her umbrella. "Okay! That's alright then. I guess a dad is really all I need anyway." Then she kissed Dad on the cheek and ran off, her mind already on how she was gonna brag the next day, "My dad is so cool! Even if a pretty girl tried to woo him, he'd just turn her away because of how much he loves his kids!"
