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29
Being me can only mean
Feeling scared to breathe
If you leave me then Ill be afraid of everything
That makes me anxious, keeps me patience, calms me down
Lets me face this, let me sleep, and when I wake up
Let me breathe
When I wake up I'm afraid, somebody else might take my place
-The Neighbourhood, Afraid
•~•~•~•~•
The bright glow of the new morning's sun filters through the dark curtains, making the room the perfect shade of orange. I groan, still groggy from my recent slumber. I go to get up, only to be pushed back down by a heavy weight on my chest. Memories of last night infiltrate my consciousness and I immediately know who's head is rested on my chest without even looking. Nevertheless, the temptation to just look at him is too much, so I do. I've never seen Ross' face from this angle, or in this lighting, before and I must say that he looks breathtaking.
As usual.
His arms are tightly wrapped around my middle, left cheek pressed against my skin right above my breasts. Most, if not all, of his weight is on me. It puts excessive pressure on my lungs and previous injuries, but it's manageable. My heartbeat pulses off of me and I'm certain that he would be able to feel it. He lets out a long sigh in his sleep, and I don't believe I've ever witnessed anything as adorable.
I place my one hand on his bare back, rubbing soothing circles with it while my free hand gently runs through his knotted, bright blonde hair. I rest my chin on his head and turn my head to the side. The alarm clock on the night stand says that it's eight o'clock in the morning, and it's Monday. My weekend of hiding out hasn't exactly turned out as I planned, but it's over now and my first lecture starts at nine.
I start to sit up again, but Ross won't budge. I groan in frustration before I try to gently pry his arms from around me, which only makes them tighten. I squeal like a pig in pain when he unintentionally squeezes my damaged midsection. The pain is unbearable, causing the gentle, patient attempts to turn into frantic clawing.
Suddenly, he stirs and I know that I've woken him up. He stars to lazily get up and I gasp when more of his weight in pressed into me. He hears the sound and immediately moves off of me. He leans over me with a concerned look on his face.
"What's wrong?" He asks frantically. He's not irritated, just worried. The little crease between his frowned eyebrows shows it.
"You were crushing me." I partially lie, running a hand through my hair and letting out the breath I didn't know I was holding in. I crack a shy smile which he returns.
He can never know that Robby hit me. Knowing that he hurt me in any way, ever, would definitely make him lose it. But if he saw the bruises I got from the sick man when I was only a few feet away from him, I don't know what he would do. I shiver at the thought of ever finding out.
"Sorry." He says shyly, eyes twinkling as he runs a hand through his hair as well. It's a habit of both of ours, and I'm not sure if I got it from him or he got it from me. He stands up and walks over to the desk where he left his suitcase across the room. I sit up in bed and watch in awe as he grabs a white T-shirt and throws it over his head, and I scold myself for being sad when it hides his perfect abs.
"U-Uh... No problem." Fuck, there we go with the stutter.
I see his smirk in the desk's mirror, knowing he caught me, before he turns to face me.
"What should we do today?" He asks, leaning back and resting himself on the side of the desk. He grips the edges with his hands, looking at me with a look of happiness with his wild hair and pajama bottoms. The sight is so cute and hot at the same time, it's rather confusing.
Eventually I tear my eyes away from his never ending torso and look into his smug hazel eyes.
"I have to get to class in an hour."
"What? Are you sure you're up for anything like that? You don't have to go in today and see her." I know immediately who he's talking about. Laura.
I shake my head at him. "Yes, I do actually." If I don't go to school today, it will only give Laura more ammo by making myself look more suspicious. And besides, if Laura is going to start rumors, I want to be able to defend myself.
"No, you don't, Julia. We can just hang out today and wait a couple of days until you're ready to-"
"I'm ready now." I lie.
He slowly walks over to me while I sit alone, feeling vulnerable.
"Are you sure about that?" He smirks cockily, just like always. "Because Christmas is two days away and you haven't gotten to do anything 'jolly'." He playfully tugs at the sleeve of my pj shirt.
I furrow my eyebrows and laugh. "'Jolly'? And what's your idea of 'jolly', Lynch? Running from the cops while singing Frosty The Snowman?"
He laughs and rolls his eyes at my terrible joke. "No, I was thinking more along the lines of ice skating."
I freeze. Is Ross asking me on a date? Panic sets in.
"N-No, I don't..." I swallow. "I need to get to my classes. I'm already behind."
He studies me for a minute as I refuse to meet his eyes.
"That's not it, is it?"
"Yes it is."
"Bullshit."
I look down at the bundle of sheets in my hands, refusing eye contact.
"I just want to be there. Just in case... Just in case Laura starts spreading rumors."
I hear the soft padding of feet shuffling closer before the bed dips.
"Jules." My heart flutters at the nickname, but I won't give in. With a sigh, he gently but firmly turns my head to the side, forcing me to look in his eyes. "I get why you would want to be there, but honestly? I think Laura got what she wanted when she showed me and those other people. She wanted to humiliate you and make her friends hate you as much as she does."
"She also wanted to make you hate me, and she didn't get that. So no, I doubt she's completely satisfied. Shes going to make the whole campus hate me, I can feel it." I start trembling.
"Who cares what they think?"
I rip his hands away from my face. "I do! I care! I still can't believe you aren't completely disgusted by me. Just imagine what everyone else will think, I'll never be able to show my face again!"
"Julia. Listen to me right now," he says calmly, as if coaxing a dangerous animal to relax. "Do you honestly expect them to believe her if she tells them the truth? No one would ever believe that you, out of all people, would do something liKe that."
"But it's the truth."
"I know, but the point is, who's going to believe it?"
I sit for a moment and think it over. Ross sees me start to relax and smiles at me, piercing shimmering as the light hits it.
"Now will you go ice skating with me?"
I purse my lips, pretending to think. "On one condition..."
"Deal."
"You have to wear one of those figure skater costumes."
"You would love that, wouldn't you?" He winks, sending me into a fit of laughter at the thought of Ross in a sparkly spandex uniform. He gets up and rips the covers off of me dramatically. "Go get ready!" He says.
My feet hit the freezing ground and I stretch as I watch Ross go back to the dresser, walking out just as he pulls out some black skinny jeans. I walk across the hall, apprehensive about what will happen while I'm not at school.
I put the negative thoughts aside. I'm going to try and enjoy myself today. I mean, I deserve it after the wreck of a weekend I had. Pushing the door to my bedroom open, I unzip my suitcase and search through it for something to wear.
I pull out some nice light-wash jeans, made to look worn with their fades and small rips here and there. I dont own any boots, but I find my old red converse. And lastly, a tight, wedding-dress-white long sleeved shirt with subtle floral patterns that you could only notice in close proximity and a v-neck collar. I put the clothes on and while I'm looking for a coat, I find a long necklace with two chains and shiny black triangle pendants. I put it around my neck with a shrug.
It takes five minutes for me to realize that I was stupid and didn't pack a jacket in my haste. I roll my eyes at myself and take out my makeup. I stand in front of the mirror and apply the right amount of concealer, eyeliner, mascara, eyeshadow and lip gloss. I run a brush through my hair just as I hear a soft knock on the closed door.
"Ready?" He asks quietly.
"Just a second." I say loud enough for him to be able to hear through the barrier. I finish with taming my knotted mane of hair and open the door to reveal a slightly blushing Ross.
He's clad in the black jeans and white shirt from before along with a denim jacket with a grey hood underneath and his signature black leather combat boots. He looks rugged and dangerous and sexy.
I look down at my innocent, average outfit and suddenly feel silly, Ross' stare only making the insecurities stronger. I shyly step forward to meet him.
"You didn't want a jacket?"
"I didn't pack one because I'm a retard."
He laughs. "You can have one of mine?"
I shake my head. "No, but thanks for offering. I'm sure I can manage."
"If you say so." He shrugs. I put my phone in my back pocket and together we walk out the front door.
•~•~•~•~•
Ross parks in front of the ice rink. It's a huge, tent-like thing with lights dancing across it. I stare at it while I get out of the car, thinking of all the times I used to watch on the sidelines as the rich kids skated around the little ice rink. They looked so happy.
Ross appears beside me and takes notice of my thoughtful gaze.
"Never been ice skating before?"
I shake my head, not going into detail. Ross starts walking to the front door and I follow close behind him. Luckily there isn't a line, because it's the middle of the day on Monday. We make our way over the ramp and to the payment booth.
I take a sneak peek inside and gasp at the beauty of millions of tiny lights woven into a web and hung from the ceiling. There are many different colors and layers and even three massive doves that appear to be flying under the ceiling with green, red, and gold ribbons in their beaks. There is a gigantic Christmas tree perfectly decorated with ornaments the size of my head and wide, twirly, sparkly gold and silver ribbons. It's topped with a beautiful star. There are big decorative boxes of every shape and size around it, even some as tall as Ross. The whole place is decorated with all sorts of garland and other decorations and it's absolutely breathtaking.
Ross pays while I'm distracted with gawking at the decorations, which causes me to whine. He rolls his eyes while the man behind the counter hands us our skates and helps me fasten the wristband around my wrist. He guides us to the low benches so we can put the skates on.
Taking my converse off, I put them beside me on the bench. I take my time untying the skates, and by the time I have gotten one on, Ross has them both on and takes the liberty of picking up my other skate and loosening the laces for me while I tie the one I have on. I roll my eyes at him and take the skate back, shoving my foot in the opening and fitting my foot snugly inside.
"You're so slow. It doesn't take that long to tie a fucking skate." His tone makes him seem irritated, but when I look at him he has a stupid little grin on his face.
I suddenly swing the blade over his lap. "Okay, then. You tie it." I smirk.
"Fine." I expected him to say something along the lines of 'I ain't doin' that shit', so his easy cave was a surprise. As he twists the laces, I start to realize how cold it is. The A/C must be on, because it wasn't even this cold outside. I guess they're just trying to keep the ice frozen, but they're freezing me in the process. I slightly shiver and cross my arms over my chest subtly.
He pats my leg and my foot slips from his lap like it weighs a ton with the ice skate on it. Standing up, he offers me his hand. I accept it at pull on his weight to allow me to stand. Once I'm upright, we start to wobble over to the opening in the wall. I look around, noticing only two other couples, both middle-aged.
Did I just call us a couple?
Before I can scold myself, I'm face to face with the ice. Ross steps onto it and glides effortlessly, showing off by skating backwards. I stay by the opening apprehensively, holding onto the side while I try to work up the nerve to get on. I fist the garland on the side of the window and suddenly Ross is beside me again.
"C'mon, it's not that hard. I promise." I look up from the bleach-white, rock-hard ice and unto his warm, shimmering eyes.
"Says you," I say irritatedly, gesturing to his cocky demeanor and skillful abilities.
He laughs and skates a little closer, as close to me as he can get. He holds out his hand for the second time today, signaling me to take it. I just stare at the callous on the tips of his fingers.
He reaches down and grabs my hand himself, gently tugging on my arm in attempt to move me forward. I stay stubbornly in place.
"C'mon, trust me." He says gently. Something about the way his eyes soften makes me give in. Looking nowhere but the hazel pools, I feel my feet stepping forward and onto the ice. I immediately start wobbling, loosing balance as I have no clue what I'm doing. My skates slip backwards on the slick surface, sending my body lurching forward. Just as I think I'm about to face plant and humiliate myself in front of everyone, Ross' strong arms stop me from going any further.
He hugs me closely to his warm chest, and I can feel his pounding heart as he chuckles quietly, "Easy, babe."
My cheeks heat up like Rudolph's nose as he slowly loosens his grip and guides us forward.
We start going faster to a point where I think I might fall, but I still laugh as the blades on my skates scrape against the ice and make a snow-like substance.
"I can't believe it, I'm actually skating!"
He laughs joyfully, teeth actually showing when he smiles, which doesn't happen often. "Told you it wasn't that hard!"
He slows me to a stop before he skates around to face my front. He grabs one of my hands in each of his and skates backwards, guiding me once more.
"That's it, just act like you're walking." He says, and starts to speed us up.
I can't help the ridiculous grin that spreads across my face. I'm finally having fun at Christmastime, instead of stressing over every little thing. I don't think there's any place I would rather be in this moment, no one I would rather be with. And as I look at Ross' smile, and the happiness on his face mirroring mine, I think that I could say the same for him.
