"Half Blood Harry Potter"
By Loki Palmer
Author's Note: Harry Potter and all related characters belong to J.K. Rowling. Percy Jackson and all related demigods (with the exception of Loki) belong to Rick Riordan. Now, I know a number of my fans have expressed the general sentiment of, "Oh, the Twins have no idea of the horror Loki will unleash upon them." Oh, so very true … [grin]. I have a couple pranks in mind to give them in return …
Chapter 29
One night in the Slytherin bedroom he shared with Thalia, Loki sat thinking when inspiration struck. "I've got it! I know one way I will get back at the Twins ..."
"Would you care to let me know, dear Loki?" said Thalia.
"No, dear; I don't want to spoil the surprise, because you – and others – will know it soon." He gave her a kiss. "See you later."
Leaving Slytherin's dorms, he set off on his mission. As the music started [tune: "You're a Mean One, Mr. Grinch" as sung by Jim Carrey], he thought with an inner cackle, Well, it may not be Christmas, but the Twins can consider this a part of my early Christmas present. So, he sang:
"You're a prankster, Loki P!
You will really prank them sore!
The Twins will wish they had not challenged you to the greatest of Prank Wars, Loki P …
You're a crazed Slytherin who is … manic and more!
You're a genius, Loki P! (Yes, you are!)
Your anger's a black hole! ([echo] Hole!)
Who's the Scariest at Hogwarts? Who's the Terror of Dark Souls? Loki P!
The Twins couldn't touch you with a … 39 and a half parsec pole!"
He broke into a dance to the background of a piano and a growling trumpet leading the band.
"You know, if you consulted the Directory of the Underworld ..."
He broke into an operatic flourish:
"Who else could deny …."
His voice rose higher and higher on the last syllable, but it hit the height of his register and he broke into a coughing fit as he thought, Bloody cigarettes! When he recovered from said fit, he sang:
"... you're a madman, Loki P?
You will really show them all!
Your vendetta has the softness OF A SLEDGEHAMMER 'BOUT TO FALL, LOKI P!
Given those choices, I would take the … SLEDGEHAMMER ABOUT TO FALL!"
His insane cackle filled the castle …
~HALF BLOOD HARRY POTTER~
The next morning, Fred and George noted the females seemed more amused than usual to see them.
Thalia's eyes widened as she sipped from her goblet and they came into view. "Oh, Loki, are you sure this prank isn't too much?"
"Nope; it may be hilarious, maybe, but too much? They hit us south of the belt, after all, so I am returning the favor."
Across the Great Hall, he could see Hermione as she fought to hold in her laughter. She turned to Harry to let him in on the joke in a whisper and he shot Loki a thumbs up.
Fred turned to his twin. "George, we look normal, right?"
"Of course we do, Fred."
"Well, I have to wonder: why do all the females seem to be laughing at us?"
"Maybe we ought to check our goblets before we drink from them, eh?"
They did so and there was no irregularity in their goblets. Satisfied with the result, they drank. Nothing out of the ordinary happened to either of them.
"Hey, boys," said a beautiful redhead who had entered the Great Hall.
Gods preserve me, thought Seamus. "Well, top o' the morning, lassie! Please, have a seat between Dean and me."
She smiled. "Why, thank you, Seamus."
She knows my name! "How did you know me?"
"Well, why shouldn't I, since we have gone here to Hogwarts for at least a couple years?"
Realization dawned on him. "Ginny? Shag me sideways, you are hot!" Aw, feck; did I say shag me sideways or did I think it?
Ginny smiled. "Oh, I am sure we can arrange that someday – giggity ..." She sipped from her goblet and spat in shock. "What, in the name of Olympus, happened to the Twins?"
"What do you mean, what happened to us?" said Fred.
"For the life of us, we can't figure it out," said George.
"Ginny, may we have some of your drink?" they said.
"Sure." She poured some of her drink into their goblets, and then, horror dawned in their expressions as they understood Loki's prank.
"George, you are not wearing clothes!"
"Well, don't be silly; of course I am, but you are not!"
Loki pointed at them and said (à la Nelson Muntz), "HA, HA!"
Much to their relief, the effects were temporary, though the females would keep laughing at them from time to time.
~HALF BLOOD HARRY POTTER~
"Good morning, everyone. I would like to welcome you to your first Defense Against the Dark Arts class. As you know, I am Professor Moody. I am here because Headmaster Dumbledore asked me to come and train you in this subject – the end! In this subject, I believe in a more practical approach. Now, who here can tell me how many Unforgivable Curses there are? Ah, Lady Potter?"
"Three, sir."
"Correct. Five points to Gryffindor. They are so named because ..."
"... Because they are unforgivable. The use of any of them on a fellow human being ..."
"... Will earn you a one-way ticket to Azkaban – CORRECT! Another five points to Gryffindor! Although, since Loki's Father, the Rich One, has reclaimed Azkaban for the Underworld, the penalty may have to change to something like, oh, I don't know, tossing through the Veil of Death, but I digress. Now, the Ministry, a bunch of whiny crybabies, thinks you are too young to see what these curses do. I SAY DIFFERENT!" He turned back to the chalkboard. "YOU NEED TO KNOW WHAT YOU ARE FACING … YOU NEED TO KNOW WHAT YOU ARE UP AGAINST … YOU NEED TO FIND ANOTHER PLACE TO PUT YOUR GUM INSTEAD OF THE UNDERSIDE OF YOUR DESK, MR. FINNEGAN!"
Seamus's mouth dropped open. "Whoa – the old codger can see out the back of his head!"
Professor Moody tossed a piece of chalk at him. "AND I CAN HEAR ACROSS CLASSROOMS! So, who wants to be first to name a curse? YOU! WEASLEY!"
"Yes sir?"
"Can you give us the name of a curse?"
"Well, my Dad did tell me about one: the Imperius Curse."
"Ah, yes. The Imperius Curse gave the Ministry plenty of trouble during the First Wizarding War; perhaps this demonstration will show you why." He opened up a jar with a spider and brought it out. "Engorgio!" The spider grew in size. "Imperio!" He moved the spider around. "With this curse, you see, a caster takes over the mind of his victim. I could make this spider tap dance, drown itself, or do whatever else I wanted it to do. It takes a great strength of mind to resist the Imperius, a strength of mind that few have, I am sad to say." He released the spider from the curse. "Scores of witches and wizards have claimed to do the bidding of Lord Voldemort under the influence of the Imperius Curse, but here is the rub: How do we sort out the liars?"
He allowed the question to hang for a few moments. "Now, who can name me another Unforgivable Curse? Ah, Mr. Longbottom? Your Father, the Drunk One, passed me a message that you excelled in Herbology and Drunken Fist Kung Fu."
"His Father was a Drunk? That explains why Longbottom is a Squib!" said Theodore Nott.
"HA! Good one, Theo!" said Draco as they both snorted in laughter.
Neville's eyes glowed purple, and he conjured some vines to pin them against the wall and to keep them silent.
"I warn you lads, Longbottom's Father is the god of madness as well, so you should think twice about crossing the lad."
"我的老师们教得很好。" (My teachers teach very well.)
"尊重他的老师的学生尊重自己他。" (The student who honors his teacher honors himself.) "So, what would be another such Unforgivable Curse?"
"Well, there is one I can think of: the Cruciatus Curse?"
"Aye, that is a nasty one; another five points to Gryffindor." He pointed his wand at the enlarged spider. "Crucio!"
The spider squirmed and screamed in pain. Neville's eyes watered as he thought of his mother under this same curse … such was the pain, Mr. D had told him, that He had to lock her mind and the mind of Frank Longbottom into a coma to shield them from utter madness …
"STOP IT!" said Hermione. "CAN'T YOU SEE HOW IT IS BOTHERING HIM? STOP IT!"
As Professor Moody released the spider from the Cruciatus, Loki was behind Neville to comfort him.
"他们没死亡,对不对?他们能不能回来?" (They didn't die, right? Can they come back?)
"他们没死亡,纳威。他们能不能回来?只你爸爸知道那个。" (They didn't die, Neville. Can they come back? Only your Father knows that.)
"Imagine a Curse that lights up your nervous system like a Christmas tree. Another description of it is that it would be like dipping your nerves in hot sauce; very nasty. Now, can anyone mention the last Unforgivable Curse? Lady Potter?"
Hermione shook her head.
Loki raised his hand. "If you will allow me, Professor." He pointed his wand at the trembling spider, which could sense its end was to come. "Avada Kedavra!"
The green light killed the spider on impact.
"The Killing Curse has a distinctive mark of a green light that accompanies it. Some more advanced wizards and witches may try to block it by conjuring up some kind of barrier, but that requires quick thinking, quicker conjuration, and such advanced magic is tough as Hell and draining to pull off in a firefight. The better advice would be to dodge it at all costs, because if it hits you, you are dead. Game over. No extra lives. The sole exception to that rule is Lord Potter himself. The best advice I can give all of you is this: CONSTANT VIGILANCE!"
As the class left, Professor Moody said, "Mr. Longbottom? Let's sit down and have some tea ..."
~HALF BLOOD HARRY POTTER~
Everyone cheered in the Great Hall as the Twins came in with their solution to the age problem.
Hermione grinned as she said in a singsong voice, "It's not going to work!"
"Oh, yeah?" said Fred.
"How would you know that, Hermione?" said George.
"Do you see this line around the Goblet? That's a ward of an Age Line – what makes you think that a ward Headmaster Dumbledore drew up himself would ignore a dodge so dimwitted like an Aging Potion?"
"That's why it's so brilliant, Hermione –"
"– Because the dodge is so dimwitted."
Loki made a few additions as well, but I'm not telling them that, she thought.
The Twins opened their vials of potion. "Bottoms up!" They drank the vials and leaped into the circle. Nothing happened, so they tossed their names into the Goblet. Everyone cheered, then …
Flames shot out of the Goblet and knocked them a fair distance out of the circle. Everyone laughed upon seeing the magic had turned them into old men, complete with wrinkles and long beards.
"Hwæt wearþ?" (What happened?)
"My fellow students of Hogwarts," said Loki with a manic grin, "I present to you two men who were so old, they sat next to the Founders in kindergarten."
Everyone laughed.
"Grandfathers Weasley, how about you tell us a story?" said a smiling Headmaster Dumbledore as he and Professor McGonagall helped the Twins to a couple of chairs and cast translation spells.
"Hit wæs in ġēares nigontīene tigiti twā. Wē mōston tigiti tō secganne, for þam þe Sliþerin hæfde ūre word twēntiġ stolen. Wē runnon behindan him tō habban hit oncġēan, būtan wē stoppodon æfter tigiti siex mīles." (It was in the year nineteen tigity two. We had to say tigity, because Slytherin had stolen our word twenty. We ran behind him to have it again, but we stopped after tigity six miles.)
More uproarious laughter sounded through the Great Hall.
~HALF BLOOD HARRY POTTER~
Halloween night arrived, and with it came the anticipation.
"Now, for the selection of our Champions," said Headmaster Dumbledore.
A parchment shot out of the Goblet. "The Champion for Beauxbatons will be … Fleur Delacour!"
Everyone cheered as she curtsied and walked towards the back.
A second parchment shot out of the Goblet. "The Champion for Dumstrang will be … Viktor Krum!"
More cheers sounded as Krum rose and went in Fleur's direction.
A third parchment shot out of the Goblet. "The Champion for Hogwarts will be … Cedric Diggory!"
The cheers from Hufflepuff House were the loudest of all, since it was rare for its members to have the Hogwarts spotlight.
Harry breathed a sigh of relief. Yes, now to have a peaceful year at Hogwarts …
"Excellent! Now that we have our three Champions ..."
Much to everyone's shock, a fourth parchment shot out. Headmaster Dumbledore caught it.
"Wait a minute … this can't be right … Harry Potter, Percy Jackson, and Loki Palmer?"
Before these three could stand up, a lightning bolt hit the floor, revealing Zeus the Thunderer. A wave of water coalesced to reveal Poseidon the Earthshaker, and, last but not least, bursting out of the fireplace came Hades, Lord of the Underworld. Much to the fright of all gathered, the three said as one in a thunderous voice:
"SOMEBODY OWES US AN EXPLANATION FOR THIS!"
Oh, Styx, the three young demigods thought, we are in deep trouble …
Author's Note: I hope everyone enjoyed that. Read and review!
Smiles and laughter,
Loki Palmer
