Random Interlude
Listen, I know I said I was going to do Eragon next, but my friend and I decided you might like this somewhere in here. It's a skit about how we think the final battle will play out. I think you'll enjoy. It's to give you something to read until Saturday. I've already begun the Eragon chapter, so sit tight.
Disclaimer: I don't own Eragon, anything by Monty Python, Lord of the Rings, the Y.M.C.A., or the Outsiders.
Me: -takes out prepared speech card and reads it- It was a not so dark and not so stormy morning. The sun was shining, the birds were chirping, and Galby was completing his battle tradition. (As we all know, Galby only comes out of his palace for important urgencies such as final battles.)
What was this tradition, you ask? Well, I'll tell you.
Chorus/Natalie/Jade: She's going to tell.
Me: I'm going to tell.
Chorus/Natalie/Jade: She's going to tell.
Me: I'm going to tell.
Sloan: Get to the point already, and tell us!
Me: Gwumpygills.
Jade: -to Sloan- Are you my fwiend?
Sloan: No.
Me: Are you my fwiend?
Sloan: No.
Me: Anyway…
The chorus and authoress continue to sing "I'm going to tell" until Sloan turns purple.
Me: Fine, I'll really tell you.
Chorus: She'll really tell you.
Sloan: -smashes up miniature spine model because that it what he does when he is bored or severely annoyed-
Me: Galby does gymnastics in a pink tutu to the battle, and so do his troops.
Chorus/Natalie/Jade: Ooh.
Natalie: How like the Outsiders is this?
Me: I know it.
Galby: Let's go!
All Urû'baen's troops did an impressive medley of gymnastics until five hundred suffered sever neck injuries. Then, Galby had to break his tradition because he wanted to have an army by the time he got to the Burning Plains. Here's how Murtagh felt about this little tradition.
Murtagh: Dawg, I ain't wearin' dis chick suit.
Amy: Curly fry?
Murtagh: -takes curly fry- Dawg, dat is da bomb.
Amy: Well, I had one left over from my sojourn in Middle Earth. You wouldn't believe how much those Orcs love those curly fries. Anyway, I'm going back to Legolas-hunting.
Anyway, here's what was going down at the Varden.
Eragon: I have an idea!
Saphira: Not again.
Nasuada: Really? What?
Roran: Yeah? What?
Eragon: We should all do gymnastics on the way to the final battle!
Arya: No.
Eragon: Pwetty, pwetty pwease with a cherry on top.
Arya: -decks Eragon-
Nasuada: Awesome idea.
Roran: I totally agree.
Islanzadí: Oh, that is a wonderful idea.
Orik: Oh, yes. Dwarves are quite good at gymnastics. Hrothgar was national champion in his day.
Islanzadí: I don't see how you could be good at gymnastics.
Orik: -does three-hundred-sixty degree flip on the spot-
Islanzadí: I could do that. –tries and fails abysmally- Why can't I do it? Niduen! Bring my designer hankie!
Niduen: I'm cursed.
Islanzadí: -sobs hysterically into her designer hankie-
Oromis: I am too weak and feeble for such antics. I am truly sorry, Eragon-finiarel.
Orik: Take that, ELVES! –maims an elf doll while doing one-hundred-eighty degree back-flip-
Roran: I LOVE GYMNASTICS! –does a three-hundred-sixty degree flip off the steps-
Eragon tried to follow his cousin, but he found he could only do a three-hundred-ninety-three-and-one-third flip. You see, dear readers, he landed on his head and got a concussion.
Everyone else, except the elves who sucked at it, did gymnastics to the Burning Plains. Orrin was surprisingly limber at it.
Me: -shudders- That is just wrong.
Natalie: You're not kidding.
Amy: I had to come back from Legolas-hunting just to point out how wrong that is.
Jade: I've never read Eragon, so I don't know what you're talking about. –goes up to Orrin- Are you my fwiend?
Orrin: Do you like mercury?
Jade: Fwiend! –hugs a very uncomfortable-looking Orrin-
Anyway, here's what happened once they got to the Burning Plains. Eragon's concussion caused a few problems.
Eragon: Uh, how do I use this shiny piece of metal?
Saphira: Swing it, dolt.
Eragon: Define "swing."
Random Galby-soldier: -goes to hit Eragon-
Eragon: Do you swing like this? –hits Random Galby-soldier on the head-
Saphira: -smacks head-
Galby: -bounds up in pink tutu-
Eragon: Who are you again?
Galby: I'm your fricking king!
Eragon: What was I supposed to do when I met you again?
Galby did an incredible twirl and killed Eragon with its perfection.
Saphira: Well, at least I'm free of that idiot. Glaedr, will you…
Glaedr: No.
Saphira: But I haven't even asked…
Glaedr: You didn't need to.
At nightfall, everyone was still fighting. Suddenly a soldier yelled:
Random soldier: Hey, it's nightfall! We can't fight at night!
Me: That rhymed!
Random soldier: I suppose it did. Anyway, where do we go from here?
Roran: How about the Y.M.C.A.
All: Great idea.
Roran: There's something we've gotta do first though.
All: What?
Roran:
Young man - there's no need to feel down.
I said - young man, pick
yourself off the ground.
I said - young man, 'cause you're in a
new town.
There's no need to be unhappy.
Young man -
there's a place you can go.
I said - young man, when you're short
on your dough,
You can stay there, and I'm sure you I'll tell
you will find
Many ways to have a good time.
Now everybody!
All:
It's fun to stay at the Y.M.C.A.
It's fun to stay at the Y.M.C.A.
They have everything for young men to enjoy.
You can hang out
with all the boys.
It's fun to stay at the Y.M.C.A.
It's fun
to stay at the Y.M.C.A.
You can get yourself clean
You can
have a good meal
You can do whatever you feel.
Murtagh: Dawg, dat song is older dan da really fricking old guy.
Me: Well, that's why they're singing it.
Roran:
Young man - are you listening to me?
I said - young man, what do
you want to be?
I said - young man, you can make real your
dreams,
but you've got to know this one thing.
No man,
does it all by himself.
I said, young man, put your pride on the
shelf
And just go there, to the Y.M.C.A.
I'm sure they can
help you today.
All:
It's fun to stay at the Y.M.C.A.
It's fun to stay at the Y.M.C.A.
They have everything for young men to enjoy.
You can hang out
with all the boys.
It's fun to stay at the Y.M.C.A.
It's fun
to stay at the Y.M.C.A.
You can get yourself clean.
You can
have a good meal.
You can do whatever you feel.
Young
Man, I was once in your shoes,
I said, I was down and out with
the blues
I felt - No man cared if I were alive
I felt the
whole world was so jive
That's when someone came up to me
and said young man take a walk up the street
There's a place
there called the Y.M.C.A.
They can start you back on your way.
All:
It's fun to stay at the Y.M.C.A.
It's fun to stay at the Y.M.C.A.
They have everything For young men to enjoy.
You can hang out
with all the boys.
Y.M.C.A.
It's fun to stay at the Y.M.C.A.
It's fun to stay at the Y.M.C.A.
Young man, Young man,
there's no need to feel down.
Young man, Young man, pick yourself
off the ground.
Y.M.C.A.
just go to the Y.M.C.A.
Young
Man, Young Man, I was once in your shoes,
Young Man, Young Man, I
was out with the blues.
Y.M.C.A.
Y.M.C.A.
Y.M.C.A.
Y.M.C.A.
With that they all did- wait for it, that's right, you guessed it- gymnastics to the Y.M.C.A. When morning came, they all did gymnastics back to the Burning Plains, and the battle began again.
Everyone was killing everyone. Murtagh and his brothas from anotha motha had gotten out their gansta guns and opened fire on everybody. Needless to say, twas getting quite nasty out there.
This all disgusted Roran. He felt the need to make another speech. He stood up and began:
Roran: Friends, enemies, fellow pacifists,
I think all this senseless fighting should stop.
Why should we continue this meaningless slaughter?
Murtagh, do you and your "brothas from anotha motha" really need those guns?
Murtagh/Dawg pound: Yeah, dawg.
Roran: My less than brilliant cousin lost his life out there. I feel very passionately that we should stop all this and hug each other.
Jade: That's what I said!
Roran: Thank you, doll.
Katrina: Why did you call her doll? You never call me doll?
All: -ignore Katrina-
Sloan: Oh man, you are gay.
Murtagh: Not-so-straight-up, dawg.
Roran: I-I-I'm speechless.
Me/Natalie:
Roran, you might as well just fess up.
Really you're a different
kind of guy.
Move aside your scabbard,
For underneath your
tabard
There is waiting to escape a butterfly.
Chorus/Jade:
His...name...is Roran-a-lot
And in tight pants a lot.
He likes
to dance a lot.
You know you do.
Roran: I do?
Chorus/Jade:
So just say thanks a lot
And try romance, it's hot!
Let's find
out who's really you.
His name is Roran-a-lot.
He visits France
a lot.
He likes to dance a lot and dream.
No one would ever
know
That this outrageous pro
Bats for the other team.
Me/Natalie:
You're a knight who really likes his night life
And by day you
really like to play
You can all find him pumping at the gym
At
the Alagaësian Y.M.C.A.!
Chorus/Jade:
His name is Roran-a-lot.
La, la, la
Just watch him dance a
lot.
La, la, la
He doesn't care what people say.
La, la, la
Roran: No way!
Chorus/Jade:
For when he starts to dance
La, la, la
Just grab your
underpants.
La, la, la
Me/Natalie: He can finally come out and say that he is G.A.
Chorus/Jade/Natalie/Me: Y.M.C.A.
He's gay!
Roran: OK!
-speaking to Katrina- Katrina, I've done a lot of thinking and getting to know myself lately, and I do love you. I've just discovered, as of recently, that I like men.
Vanir: So have I!
Roran: No way!
Vanir: Yes, way!
Roran: Let's get married in Vegas!
Vanir: I'm down with that!
Murtagh: Dat, dawgs, was da weirdest thang.
Me: I know, wasn't it?
Galby: Well, should we get back to the battle?
All: Yeah.
Here's how the ending played out: Amy came back from Legolas-hunting with a lifetime supply of curly fries. Galby ate all of this lifetime supply in one minute, had a heart-attack, and died. (That's why the term is "lifetimes supply". Read the fine-print people.) Arya died old, grey, bitter, and single. (There weren't any cats, though. They didn't want to go near Arya the Angry.) Murtagh and Nasuada got married in Vegas along with Roran and Vanir. They all did an incredible gymnastics routine to the wedding chapel. Roran decided to join the fab-five. (He taught guys how to accessorize their power-tools.) My friends and I went back to our world. Amy didn't ever find Legolas. Twas tragic. Anyway, that's the end of this Random Interlude. I've already started the Eragon chapter and will reply to both sets of reviews to both chapters in the next chapter. Eragon still should come up on Saturday, hopefully.
