"I can't do this."

"Yeah you can."

"I can't be here. I can't see him. I can't, I can't…."

"Hey? Hey look at me?" holding one of Eve's hands fast in his Calvin reached to her chin, set it still and looked down deep into her eyes, summoning the courage he knew lay behind them. "You can do this. He's your brother and he's hurt. He's fucking paralysed and you can walk and he needs you. So you need to suck it up.

"Suck it up?" damn if he wasn't the only person on the planet who could've said that to her right then.

"You do for family, Evie G. You just do."

"You'll come in with me though? You'll stay with me?"

"I…."

"Cal?" she tested, blue eyes so little girl lost it broke his heart.

"Yeah, yeah I'll stay with you."

"Okay then, okay then…." nodding slowly she walked the few last paces to Sam's room and, taking a peep through the window to see he was alone, knocked gently and entered. "Knock knock?"

"You sure took your sweet time coming to see me Vee."

"Oh Sammy…." she mouthed, her eyes wide and overwhelmed and her hand trembling in Calvin's.

"You're okay ….." he whispered under his breath, so only she could hear it, "… I got you."

"Does it hurt?" came the choked whisper as Eve walked slowly toward the bed to which Sam was still strategically strapped. "All these wires and straps and metal?"

"I'm on enough meds to keep a moose quiet…." and then, in her reflected light Sam found a tiny, fragmented piece of his old self and joked weakly, "… Hercules here'd be lovin' life."

"Sammy that's not funny!"

"You got some good shit in that IV, buddy?" chuckled Calvin, approaching Sam's bed with none of the trepidation or unease that his family had. Still holding Eve's hand in his left, he reached his right to Sam's and shook its lifeless muscle warmly. "You actually look pretty awesome for roadkill."

"Calvin!" yelped Eve, horrified. Sam didn't flinch.

"Yeah? You loving my pee bag and rad metal headgear?" barely physically able to smile Sam felt for the first time as though he at least wanted to try.

Stretching his mouth and cheeks to an attempt he met Calvin's pale green blue gaze and found some strangely affecting comfort in them. He wasn't afraid. He knew the darkness and he could look it in the eye the way Eve was so terrified to. He wasn't thinking of all the things he'd miss out on the way his parents were. He wasn't imagining the struggle his life would now hold; he was just breathing through the moment and talking to him as though they were throwing a ball around in the yard again.

"Hey Bambi come here, come hold the dude's hand or something….." said Calvin, deliberately downplaying the situation to encourage her, "… your brother and I are getting a little too Brokeback Mountain over here for my liking."

"Is it okay? Will it hurt you Sammy?" she asked uneasily, moving to Calvin's other side and taking her brother's hand. "That okay? We good?"

"I heard you and Mom going at it yesterday."

"Oh!" that was the last thing she had intended, and it shamed Eve to think he had overhead her fighting with Olivia from his sickbed. "I wish you hadn't. I'm sorry. We're fine now though, we're good, we're back to normal.

"Vee I won't ever be back to normal."

"I know."

"This is it now, this is me, this is my life….." barely moving his lips Sam mumbled miserably, "… I'm a vegetable."

"No! Oh, oh no, you're not!"

"You want coffee?" asked Calvin, moving a light hand to the small of Eve's back and knowing when it was appropriate to give them space. "Food?"

"No, no I'm good thanks. Sammy?"

"That toddler tippy cup with the bendy straw?" she hadn't thought, she hadn't listened to the words before they'd come out of her mouth and she now cursed herself for it. "That's mine."

"I'll meet you in the truck?"

"Okay."

"Hey? Hey Cal?" called Sam, struggling to inject any volume or resonance into his voice as Calvin made to leave.

"Yeah?"

"It's cool that you came….." with so many layers to the statement and so many interpretations of meaning Sam clarified, "… you should come by again sometime?"

"You hang on in there, okay buddy? I'll see you real soon."


"Hey guys, what's going on in here?"

"We're playing Connect Four and Sammy is kicking my butt."

"Oh is he now?" asked Olivia a little breathy, so moved was she to see that not only had Eve finally visited her brother but that it could have been just any afternoon as the two of them played together. "Can we stay and watch?"

"Vee drop a red one in the third one from your right."

"Nice…." smiled Elliot, dragging too plastic chairs out from the corner of the room so they could sit beside the bed, "… well played, son."

"Darn it!" exclaimed Eve, uncrossing her legs and thinking long and hard before crossing them back again and pulling a puzzled face. "I don't think I can win now can I?"

"Yeah, yeah think yellow….."

"Are you helping her?" asked Olivia with an amused smile, that was so Sam. The only time she had only ever seen him competitive was on the football field. The rest of the time he just wanted everyone around him to be happy. Happiness for his sister was winning, and so he made it happen.

"So Sammy we were just chatting to your doctors and they were saying how they think you might be able to move to your new rehab place in time for your birthday."

"Awesome." Came the flat, unmoved response as Sam kept his eyes fixed on the game.

"Buddy….." ventured Elliot, before falling quiet as he felt Olivia's hand reach to his arm.

"You wanna split this?" asked Eve, peeling the wrapper from a muffin and tossing it across into the trash. "You can have the roof if you want."

"I'm fine….."

"Shut up it's your favourite, here, open up….." dismissing his protest, knowing it didn't come for lack of want Eve leant over the tray and game between them and held the muffin for Sam to take a bite, "… got it?"

"Thanks."

"So this rehab place?" asked Eve, so easy, so conversational, the oil that greased the wheels as their family slowly regained forward motion. "What's the deal? Is it like a hospital or?"

"From the way the nurses were talking it's kind of halfway between here and home, somewhere you can find your feet again before…." literally biting her tongue and almost feeling to deserve the sharp pain it brought Olivia rushed, "… oh Sam, sweetie I didn't mean…."

"Mom my big sister is feeding me cake like I'm a freakin' baby…." mumbled Sam, before lifting his mother off the hook, "… I can handle you saying stupid stuff. I'm not making it awkward you are."

"Okay, okay then…." nodding slowly Olivia caught Elliot's eyes for further reassurance and then continued, "….so as I was saying this rehab facility is just going to give us all chance to get used to how things are going to be a little different when you come home."

"It's right by the subway I checked so I can come see you all the time even if these guys are working or whatever…." said Eve, wanting to do anything to take the lost expression from her brothers face, "… and I will come, Sammy, all the time. Especially now school is done for the summer."

"We all will, buddy. We're all right here with you …." and taking hold of Olivia's hand Elliot nodded, "… all three of us."

"And I had Katie and Lizzie on the phone this morning asking when they can come see you too."

"And Eli, he's back in the city in a couple of weeks and he's gonna make you his first stop."

"That's nice…." pushing up a smile Sam knew they meant well. He loved them so dearly for trying to make him feel better. He just wished it was working.

"It's just gonna take time, sweetheart….." said Olivia, reaching across and stroking Sam's face tenderly, "… it's just gonna take some time."

"You guys going out for dinner again tonight?" he asked, having become used to their daily routine. How they would come and visit him and then all disappear out for a couple of hours to grab dinner, leaving him to the suspicious looking hospital rations.

"Can you eat normal stuff now? Like do you have to have special food?"

"Because I'm special now?" and there it was, there was that smile they all adored as Sam broke into a laugh and Eve soon followed with a flush of embarrassment.

"Oh I didn't mean it like that!"

"I know you didn't you idiot….." he assured, his eyes finding life again, "… and yeah, yeah I can eat normal food. It's my legs that don't work not my stomach."

"So we could get food to go? We could bring it back here and all eat together?" suggested Eve, looking to her parents for approval.

"Tell you what, baby….." said Olivia, gathering her things together and tapping Elliot on the shoulder, "… your Dad and I will go. You two stay here and finish your game."

"Any requests?" asked Elliot, checking he had his wallet with him. "Pizza? Chinese? Sam it's your call tonight."

"I say….." barely able to remember what food that wasn't microwave heated tasted like Sam took a moment before nodding, "… I say you let Mom pick."

"Me?" asked Olivia, as she put her jacket on.

"I dunno what's around here….." he shrugged, looking across at Olivia and unknowingly touching her heart, "… and you know what I like."

"Okay then…." she couldn't say anymore, not without betraying the tears behind her eyes, and so she just winked at the children and lead the way toward the door, "… be good, babies. We'll be back soon."


"Where the hell did you get all that?"

"I work two jobs don't start with me."

"You only do one kind of job that pays in cash Tex….." narrowing his eyes as she kicked at the vending machine in the hope of releasing her trapped soda, "… and don't you dare lie to me."

"Do you have any idea the kind of money it takes being pregnant with no health insurance Cal?"

"What'd you do Texas?" he persisted, a darkness to his tone, "Or should that be who'd you do?"

"Fuck you!" she snapped, her hand flying up to strike his face to land a swift, flat palmed slap right across his cheek. Those gathered in the waiting room looked up from their magazines but said nothing.

"Tex, hey, Texas get back here…." he called, quickening his step to chase her down and grabbing at her arm held it fast, "… I'm sorry, alright? I'm sorry. That was a dick ass thing to say."

"I'm applying for Medicaid. I'm applying for all kinds of shit but that all takes time and I need stuff now. I gotta have this scan to know that I didn't fuck this kid up before I realised I was pregnant."

"That's what they're gonna tell you today?" this was news to him, he had just automatically come along with her regardless of the significance of her scan. "If the baby got messed up by you using?"

"You know this isn't fun for me Cal. Most first time mothers get to be all cute and nervous and act like giggling idiots. I get to worry if I fucked my kid before she's even born. I get to feel cheap and dirty the whole time because her mother's a tramp and her father paid me and all these chirpy little idiots keep asking me about the Daddy and….."

"Tex….."

"You really think that little of me that I'd whore pregnant?" her dark hair scraped back from her face in a high ponytail, and still wearing her nurses scrubs Texas was the plainest she ever looked. Wearing none of her usual bright colours, gold jewellery or heavy eye makeup made her look younger and reminded Calvin she was only a few months older than he was. It made it even more painful to remember where she'd been. "Because screw you for not knowing me better."

"I do know you, I didn't think you'd actually, you know….." dancing indelicately around his initial suspicion Calvin mumbled, "… just a quick…."

"I could castrate you right now, you know that?" she sighed, knowing he didn't mean any harm. He just cared. He was the only one who did. "Look I pawned Mima's ring if you gotta know."

"No, no you didn't….." sighed Calvin sadly, as she wandered back to the vending machine to make a last attempt at kicking it.

"You think she'd rather have me wear a pretty ring than make sure this baby is healthy?" she asked, as he helped her.

"That ring meant the world to you Tex."

"Yeah well that was then and things are different now….."

"Ms Mendoza?"

"That's me!" she replied, as the soda can finally dropped into the tray and she reached down to fish it out. "Are you coming in for this scan or what? Are we gonna stand out here arguing?"

"Course I'm coming in….." said Calvin without hesitation, walking close behind her toward the examination room, "… only they're not gonna start looking up your business end in there are they?"

"It's nothing you haven't seen before, mija….." she was fearless, and there was nothing they couldn't say to one another, no place too dark and no notion too crude, "… the view hasn't changed."

"Is it Texas?" asked the doctor, inviting them into the room and waiting for Texas' nod of confirmation before continuing, "Hi there, I'm Doctor Allison Walters. Great, okay, well if you can just hop up on the bed and lift your shirt. You know the drill; the gel can be cold at first."

"I had one scan already but they said that it was a little early to do all the tests they wanted."

"So you're what now? Five months?"

"Four and a half, five….." lying back on the bed and wiggling herself into a comfortable position Texas pulled her uniform up off her stomach and looked to Calvin awkwardly as Dr Walters rolled her sonogram wand over it, "… something like that."

"First time mom?" sensing unease in her patient the doctor flashed a warm smile. "Nervous?"

"Ermm, well I…. it's a little complicated…..I guess…." chewing on her cheek uncomfortably Texas wasn't entirely sure how much of her story was medically relevant, and that being the case how much she was required to divulge.

"Is Dad in the picture or are we flying solo?" asked Dr Walters with a compassionate acknowledgement that just because there were two of them there one could never assume.

"She's not flying solo…." said Calvin, moving closer to the bed and grabbing for Texas' hand, "… we're in this together."

"And what's your name then handsome?" there was something about her matter of fact, slightly unorthodox approach that set both Texas and Calvin at ease as the curly, red headed doctor tapped at her monitor keyboard and waited for a response.

"Calvin."

"And you're gonna be….." allowing them to answer, she narrowed her eyes and weighed up this tall, heavy set teenager now leant in close to her patient.

"I'm gonna be the one holding her hand."

"Nice to meet you Calvin….." extending for a handshake Dr Walters shook Calvin's hand firmly and smiled, "… glad to hear the three of us are in this together."

"Dr Walters you seem real nice and I don't want to put my baby at risk by not being honest with you so….."

"It's okay Texas; you can talk freely in here. I'm here to help you not to judge you."

"He isn't the father and I don't know who is. I'm not exactly a saint and….." it physically hurt Calvin to hear her talk, but respecting her choice to be frank with her doctor he stayed quiet and just held her hand tight, "…. well there have been a lot of men, most of whose names I don't know let alone their medical history so….."

"Oh honey…."

"And I used drugs as well."

"Used? Past tense?"

"Yes, yeah, yeah no for sure I swear to God I haven't even had a beer since I found out I was pregnant."

"That's legit….." chiming in, after years of no one believing a single word either one of them said Calvin knew when it was likely they needed to corroborate each other's stories, "… I've been watching her like a hawk."

"Okay, okay guys listen to me? I think that it's important that I make it completely clear to you that I'm on your side. I am here to look after you and to support you Texas, and it doesn't matter how you got here only that you cope with what happens next. It's my job to make sure that you do….." printing a stream of paper off from her printer Dr Walters nodded to Calvin, "… and he's going to help me out with that, aren't you handsome?"

"Yes m'am."

"So how about I turn this screen around and you can stop panicking, mom….." turning up the volume so a strong heartbeat thundered and turning the monitor to face the bed the doctor pointed to the now decipherable baby on the sonogram and smiled, "… because here she is, here's your girl."

"She's alright? She's okay?"

"Strong heartbeat, no signs on these preliminary work ups that there is anything to worry about. Obviously some of the tests I'm running will take a little longer to show results but you did the right thing, honey. You stopped using early enough that I can't see it has had any effect on your baby and you're in great shape. You both are."

"Cal did you hear….." turning her head to look up at him Texas caught her breath to see the unqualified sincerity and awestruck wonder fallen across Calvin's face as he stared misty eyed at the wriggling sonogram.

"You doing okay there?" laughed the doctor, not unaccustomed to his reaction. "It's pretty incredible, isn't it?"

"Babe…." said Texas softly, tugging at his hand and shaking his attention.

"It's not complicated Tex….." he replied, bending down and kissing her forehead devotedly, "… it's not complicated at all. I love you."

"I love you too, mija….." she smiled, then turning to Dr Walkers asked, "… hey would we maybe be able to get a picture to take home?"

"Of course, absolutely, let me go grab a cardboard envelope and I'll be right back."

"For Viv…." explained Texas, as Calvin leant over the bed and hugged her warmly.


"Babe I'm just not sure that we've got the right parts here."

"Did you read the instructions?"

"Yes."

"Show me them, get them out…." sighed Olivia, setting her coffee mug down on the porch step and taking a seat, "… you're a rotten liar."

"I don't need the instructions!"

"Sure, sure no I know you don't….." pacified Olivia, leafing through the diagrams setting out how to add a low level handrail to the access ramp they had had constructed on the side of their porch, "… so you have these pieces here? To fix whatever that is?"

"Yeah, yeah I have all those."

"Okay so I figure we need to screw that into there….." turning the longest piece of handrail over in her hand Olivia puzzled, "… only I don't get why there are holes on both sides?"

"Hey, hey how you doing anyway?" taking a seat beside her Elliot jostled his shoulder into hers lovingly. "You okay?"

"Yeah, yeah I think I'm better….." lowering the instructions hand folding her hands clasped over them she inhaled slowly and turned to him, "… a little better, at least."

"We gonna hit up another session of parent therapy? Go again on Tuesday?"

"I think we should….." she nodded slowly, "….do you?"

"Reckon it can't hurt."

"Elliot I think I'm going to talk to someone as well."

"Yeah?" he asked, setting down the screwdriver and reaching for her hand.

"I feel like I need to get a better grip on this thing. Not as a parent, just as a person. I'm just so damn angry all the time and I can't be his mom like that. At least not the mom I want to be."

"Well how about that?" said Elliot with a self-deprecating smile, "You being the angry one for a change?"

"We're both angry as hell, babe. You're just not about to tell a therapist about it."

"Hey! Hey I'm going to classes with you aren't I? In fact as I remember it they were my idea in the first place."

"El I don't need you to talk to a professional but I do need to promise me that you'll talk to me….." trusting he would understand the love behind her statement she added, "… because you are the angriest person I know and you haven't been to church since the accident."

"I've been busy."

"You've lost your faith."

"How'd you….." be he knew how, it was the same way she did anything. She just did. "I haven't lost faith, not completely."

"No?" she was surprised.

"I don't know how a good God can let something like that happen to Sammy. I really don't. I'm having a hard time getting my head around it and it's gonna be a while till I'm back in the pew but….."

"El?"

"The me I used to be would've lost my mind these past few weeks. I couldn't have handled it. I would've just….." shaking his head slowly Elliot heaved a sigh, "…. lost my shit."

"That's not true…." but they both knew it was and so she gave no further protest.

"I dunno. I call God out. I ask him where the hell he is. I'm praying my ass off asking how I'm supposed to this, how I'm supposed to help my son and I'm thinking he's just not answering and then….." and simply, understatedly, remind her that she was his whole world Elliot finished, "… and then there you are."

"Oh, babe."

"Sam's not gonna walk again. He's gonna have a different kind of future than I'd wanted for him. He's gonna have it rough. He's gonna struggle. He's got the fight of his life ahead of him but if there is anyone who can get him through this….." reaching across and stroking her cheek lightly Elliot smiled, ".. it's his Mom."

"You really think we can do this? I mean right now we can't even screw together a porch rail to help him get into the house so…."

"We'll figure out the porch rail…." chuckled Elliot confidently, draping an arm around her and pulling her in for a hug, "…. we'll figure it all out. Maybe not all at once, maybe not right away, but little by little we'll get there."

"Thank you. I needed to hear that….." she said softly, kissing him with a soft, lingering reassurance that they would stand unwavering while the rest of the world was in ruins, "… I love you, babe."