Chapter 5
Severus
Severus awoke in a way he never had before—with a warm, naked witch in his arms and her unruly hair attempting to suffocate him. However, he was not at all perturbed. Instead he felt more peaceful than he had in a very long while. As gently as he could so as not to wake her he disentangled himself, though sad at the prospect of leaving her warmth, and sat up in his bed.
In the dim glow cast by the light of the moon shining through her bedroom window he could make out her form, partly concealed under thin sheets, the rest just as bare as she had been when they had both succumbed to slumber's calling. He let his eyes kiss her face, tranquil in its sleep, and then continued to admire her curves, her smooth skin splattered with freckles and tiny moles here and there, and the way her chest rose and fell calmly. He wondered if she was dreaming, and if so, whether he played any part in it.
She had told him that she had dreamed of being with him. "Like I've stepped into one of the best dreams I could have ever dreamed" was what she had said to him just after they had made love. Made love? Was that what they had done? It had been driven by need, fueled by passion, and nothing like what he had seen and experienced before. Unlike her, he was not a virgin. No, the Dark Lord had made sure that his virginity was to be broken immediately after he had left Hogwarts. It was not something he had enjoyed more than physical pleasure. He had not taken the event and cherished it, nor had he found any desire to look back on it. It had not been with who he had wanted it to be with, he was resentful that the Dark Lord had required it of him, and it was nothing at all like what he and Hermione had just shared together. So, in a way, he was just as much a virgin as she was when it came to making love, and instead of being upset by that fact, he was pleased.
Severus knew he was in love with the young witch lying next to him. Though he had not said it aloud to her, he knew it in his heart to be true. He also knew that it still terrified him. Yet she had confessed to loving him the eve of her graduation. Was loving someone the same as being in love with them? He longed to think it was but knew his wonderings would not be eased unless he asked her directly; heard her profession of being in love with him from her own lips and not merely his imagination.
He also feared growing closer to her. Surely, she would want to know about his past, and his past was a topic he treated like his mother's grave—avoided it at all costs. His past was laid to rest as she was and should not be reawakened. And yet Hermione, being curious, would want to know it, and he was not sure he was ready to spread his sins out to her.
But she was what he wanted most in this world. Of course, that scared him as well, but it was an excited scared, like a quickening in his blood and a steady, warm rise in his stomach, not unpleasant, but welcomed. It was a feeling he had not had in many, many years, and he clung to it tightly. He was not ignorant, however. If he wanted her as completely as he felt he wanted her, they would need to talk; need to get to know each other in deeper ways than they had already. He couldn't help but wonder in trepidation if, once they began, would she continue to want him after she began to understand just how murky and bloody his past truly was? But he also knew not to underestimate her as he'd done in the past. Perhaps she already knew he had a dark past and had been preparing herself for it. But could anyone truly prepare themselves for a past such as his?
The small sigh that escaped through her lightly parted lips drew him out of his ponderings and back to admiring her slight form. Was she bathing in the moon, he wondered, or was the moon bathing her in?
It was as his eyes trailed over her again that he realized he desperately needed the loo.
Apparently, at some point, he had discarded his wand somewhere last night without paying much attention. "Lumos," he whispered. The tip to his wand ignited. He spotted it over on the floor by her bedroom door. Stifling a yawn and a groan, he slid out of her bed and hobbled over to it. He picked it up and shined it around her room to locate her bathroom, which he soon found, and where he quickly relieved himself.
"Severus?" he heard a whisper just after he had silently vanished the contents of the toilet. He had tried to take every measure not to wake her, but apparently, she had noticed his absence anyway.
"In the loo," he said back, voice coming out low and hoarse.
A few moments later he saw her form padding over to the bathroom where she joined him to also relieve herself. Feeling self-conscious, he had turned to leave when he felt her grab his hand. She squeeze it gently. He stared down at her and, though she sat on the toilet, he didn't feel strange seeing her that way and she didn't seem ashamed or uncomfortable, either.
"For a moment I thought you had left," she admitted, barely above a whisper.
"I couldn't imagine willingly leaving such a beautiful, warm witch unless an emergency arose. In this instance, my bladder was complaining rather urgently. Fortunately, your bathroom was accommodating."
"It is fortunate, it could've decided you were unworthy," she retorted playfully.
"Apparently I am adequately worthy," he said back with a small smile.
"More than adequate, if I have any say in the matter."
They smiled at each other and then he heard the unmistakable sound of liquid tricking into the toilet. At the same time they both burst out laughing—she in her giggles, he in his low, rare rumble of mirth.
"What time is it?" she asked after their laughter had died down.
Severus cast a tempus charm and saw that it was just after four in the morning. "I suppose we should try to get more sleep before our morning classes?" he suggested.
"Will you stay?" she asked, somewhat shyly.
He looked down at her and squeezed her hand as she had squeezed his before. "Of course. Shall we retire back to your bed?"
Her smile lit up her face. "Absolutely."
They walked back to her bed together, her leading him by the hand and her naked form swaying seductively in front of him. He could feel himself beginning to become aroused again. Merlin, I could get used to this, he thought and grinned to himself.
"Who knew being teachers together would be this rewarding?" His lover said, playfully. She spun around and trailed her fingers down his chest, following her hands with her eyes. Both her hands and eyes lingered when she noticed that he was becoming stiff again and he saw her smirk.
"I'm quite sure you are more than just my colleague," he whispered, feeling both self-conscious and aroused simultaneously.
Her eyes flickered up to his and she asked, feigning innocence, "So then, what am I?"
"You are a minx is what you are," he growled and then scooped her up into his arms. She giggled and kicked her legs as they toppled together onto her bed. He pushed her hair out of her face and looked into her eyes. "And, it would seem you are my lover."
"I supposed the term girlfriend would sound to odd on your lips?" She waggled her eyebrows at him and grinned.
"Lover sounds sexier," he replied, invoking his low and husky baritone.
"It does, but…well…" suddenly she seemed nervous.
He cupped her cheek and leaned in to kiss the tip of her nose. "Tell me what you're thinking, Hermione, please."
"Well, I just wondered…are you going to be, you know, seeing other people?"
He balked. He couldn't help it. Had the young witch gone bonkers? She had been all he could think of for the past two years! And here she was asking if he was going to be sleeping around with other witches? Or, more importantly, perhaps she was asking just exactly what he expected from her?
"Your expression is causing me to feel like an idiot," she murmured, her face flushed and eyes averted.
"Forgive me, Hermione, you just completely through me in front of a herd of Hypogriffs there… To put it as plainly as I can, you are the only witch I desire to be in a relationship with, let alone desire to be with like this," and he gestured to the two of them in bed.
She raised her eyes and gave him a shy smile, but a smile nonetheless.
"If you need me to say that I would like to be in a monogamous relationship with you, then yes, Hermione, that is what I want…more than anything." He gave her a sneer and added, "Are you in agreements, or did you plan to have Weasley and his pet to join us for a night of sexual frivolity?"
She let out a small yip-like noise that caused his sneer to widen. "Great Merlin, no!"
He let out a bark of a laugh and leaned in to kiss her. She returned the kiss hungrily and he growled in surprise as she took his lower lip and nibbled it.
"If you keep that up," he warned, "I'm going to take you again right here right now and we will both be very tired for our classes."
She pulled back but smiled suggestively. Next moment, though, she had become embarrassed again. "I have another question…" she said, as if making a confession.
"Yes?"
"Was it…was I… gods, this isn't easy for me to ask." She sighed loudly. "Was I any good, erm, in bed?"
He would've balked again but caught himself this time. Cupping a cheek in each hand he gently forced her to look at his face. "Hermione, I am not a hard man to please when it comes to what we shared together. Yes, I've experienced it before, but believe me when I say that I am not overly experienced myself and what we shared together was the best I've ever had. Moreover, for it being your first time, you were incredible. I only hope that it felt as good for you as it did for me."
The smile that lit up her face could've shamed the celestial angels. "That's so good to hear, Severus. And yes, it was amazing to me. I'm surprised I didn't even have to stimulate myself and I still orgasmed. I wasn't sure if that would happen or not."
He let out a small chuckle. "Well, it's different for each woman, or so I've read, and it may not always happen. However, I will most certainly do whatever I can to help you enjoy our love making as much as I enjoy it. There's a lot we have to learn, but I'm more than willing."
She sighed with contentment and he watched as she began putting her hair up into a bun. "Don't mind me," she said, "Just feeling a bit hot is all. Putting my hair up cools me down a bit."
He nodded but as she turned away from him to reach for her wand he noticed something on her back he hadn't noticed before. "Hang on," he said, reaching out his hand and holding her still as he tilted his head to better see.
"Oh, that's right," he heard her say. "I forgot to tell you. I got a tattoo while in France."
Indeed, she had. He didn't have tattoos himself, for one since it was a rather Muggle form of art, and also because, after being branded with the Dark Mark, he hadn't liked the idea of any other marks branded into his body, magical or otherwise. The tattoo she had was rather lovely, though, he would admit. The style of the tattoo reminded him of the few watercolor paintings he had seen and, while it was black and white, it was beautifully done. The otter, though motionless, appeared to be swimming in water.
"Hopefully you don't mind it," she said, her tone wavering slightly as he continued to examine the piece of art without commenting.
"What made you choose an otter?" he asked after a moment, lightly touching the permanent ink with his thumb and tracing the shape of the water-loving creature.
"It was my first Patronus and I it reminds me of my past…like my past is now pulled out of me but still a part of me, if that makes sense. Besides, I always thought my otter was both lovely and cute," she explained.
"And do you plan to get more?" he asked, curiously.
"No, I don't think so. It didn't hurt as much as I thought, but I just can't think of anything else I'd want to get tattooed. My father had a tattoo of a flower in remembrance of his mother that he got sometime after she had passed away. I guess, because he had one, I felt like it would also add another thing onto our short list of things we have in common with each other."
"You and your father don't have much in common?" he asked as he continued to touch her back. He liked how her warm, smooth skin felt under his fingers. He liked her talking to him, as well.
"Only a few things, not as much as my mother and I do."
He couldn't think of what else to say or ask, so a silence befell between them, but unlike the ones they had shared in the past, this one felt more welcome, more comfortable. She leaned back into his hand and he continued to caress every inch of her he could reach.
He leaned forward and placed a kiss to the spot of skin under her right ear. "You are going to have so many students coming on to you," he whispered.
She giggled. "I doubt that."
"You can't be that naïve. You're young, only two or three years older than the seventh-year students. They're going to be all over you like—"
"I doubt I'll get many students coming on to me once they see me with the esteemed Potions Master," she interrupted. She turned to look back at him with a sly smile.
He felt his features fall. He stared into her eyes. "Hermione, about that…"
Her grin faded immediately. "I already know what you're going to say," she muttered.
"It's just…I think we should keep—us—on the quiet side until we've gotten used to our relationship together. If you don't agree, please tell me."
"I…understand. I just don't like secrets. They make everything harder." Instead of staring into his eyes she was staring down at his hands. He felt saddened that she was…uncomfortable? Disappointed? Both? But he was sure he didn't want them to immediately go public.
He attempted to assure her. "It won't have to be a secret for very long. Let us just try things out together before we announce to all of the wizarding world that we are in a relationship. After a few weeks we can revisit the subject, that is, if you don't get sick of me before then." He let humor slip into his voice but was still being serious. The idea of them being a couple was nice, more than nice in his opinion, but if it was truly going to work? That was to be seen… "There are things we should…discuss…before we make our relationship known," he added.
"Things like…what?" she asked, her brown eyes never wavering from his. He still didn't understand how she made him so nervous. Could he really tell her those dark secrets about himself that only one other person knew?
Waiting for him to answer, she took her forefinger and middle finger and traced it along his left arm. He almost let out a sigh at her touch but restrained himself. Instead, he closed his eyes and just focused on what it felt like to be caressed by her. He felt her gently turn his arm so that his inner forearm was exposed up to her. Then he felt her trace the place he knew his Dark Mark to be. While it had faded and appeared to be more of a pinkish red scar than the skull and snake, he would always be able to feel exactly where it was. He still had the occasional feeling of dread and panic whenever he felt a sudden nerve twitch in his left forearm. It was something he would live with for the rest of his life.
"Do some of those things have something to do with this?" she asked, continuing to caress his scar.
He took a deep breath. "I've done terrible things," he whispered.
"So have I," she whispered back.
"I was a Death Eater, Hermione. You have no idea of the atrocities I committed."
"Were forced to commit," the witch corrected, her face forming into a soft frown.
"I had to play my part convincingly. I know you understand what that means."
She nodded. "I do. And you don't need to confess to me all the acts you committed on our first date. It takes a while to get to know someone, and even longer to get to know their past. You have more of a past than I do, but that doesn't mean any of your flaws and wrong-doings are any greater than mine."
He smirked, again being unable to help himself from doing so. "I can assure you, love, my flaws and wrong-doings are much greater than yours."
"Just because we have different wrong-doings doesn't mean they are any less or more wrong. It depends on the person. Your moral compass may have little guilt when it comes to lying to someone, whereas I may become sick and anxious with every lie I tell. I may have no problem breaking school rules if it means saving my friends, but you may feel guilty every time you have an unprofessional thought about me in, say, the Headmistress' presence, whereas I can tell you I have no guilt in that matter at all." She smiled slyly. "The fact is this; you have committed morally questionable acts, yet so have I. And I can concoct as many atrocities as I want when thinking of your past. But I didn't fall in love with your past self. I fell in love with the you your past helped to create."
He sat still, dumbfounded, and tried to let her words sink in. What she said made sense, and yet she couldn't possibly have imagined everything he had done over the last twenty years.
She seemed to register the incredulousness on his face because she said, very matter-of-factly, "Look, I read the spells you made in your sixth year. Not only were you incredibly smart, so much so that I found myself jealous of you, but I also knew that you were dangerous and clearly coming from a bad place. But if you had that kind of malice and talent in you at 16 or 17 years old… I know Voldemort could've used you for his cause."
Severus opened his mouth, but she continued as if she hadn't noticed. "And, yes, you may have been a Death Eater, but you chose to betray them. For a majority of your time as a Death Eater, you were betraying Voldemort and putting your life at risk. You could have stopped at any point in time. You could have either told Dumbledore you didn't want to do it anymore, or you could have told Voldemort the truth. But you didn't do either. You chose to do whatever you had to do to see Voldemort fall; chose even to betray your friends, because of love and commitment to Lily and what she believed in. And I know you have love in you, Severus. I know you love me, even though you won't say it. I know you're afraid to let it show, and that's okay."
He had become agitated more and more with each word she said. He didn't want to talk about Voldemort or Dumbledore. He didn't want to talk about his love and commitment to Lily. He just wanted to move on. "Are you calling me a coward?" he spat, forgetting for an instance that they were both naked in bed together and had just made love a few hours before.
She gaped at him and he saw her pupils dilate as her eyes widened in shock. When she found her voice again and softened her expression she asked, "Do you think I'd ever call you that, let alone think that of you, after all you've done? You helped to save my life, whether you realize that or not. If Voldemort had won, I would be dead, or worse."
"I didn't do it for you."
The edges of her lips fell slightly, but his words didn't aggravate her as much as he thought they would. "I know you didn't," she replied. "But your actions effected more people than you could ever imagine. I think you and I both know that it wasn't just your love for Harry's mom that caused you to work towards Voldemort's downfall."
"Do we, now?" He tried not to smirk but failed.
"What Voldemort and his followers ultimately stood for...the death, the torture, the dehumanization of muggles and muggle-borns... you knew that wasn't right."
He tilted his head, the small smirk widening, but not cruelly. "I'm not sure if I should be flattered at the fact you have taken so much time to analyze why I played spy for so long, or annoyed that you presume to have the correct answers though I have never expressed said answers directly to you."
"Then correct me if I'm wrong. Educated me," she challenged. He didn't miss the slightly seductive quality to her tone.
Such a minx, he thought to himself.
Continuing to smirk he said, "First, I need you to understand that I do not like Muggles. Of all the ones I have interacted with, I have experienced nothing but either pain upon myself or pity towards them. However, Lily's existence proved to me that Muggle-born witches and wizards were not like their Muggle parents and siblings, or at least, not like the Muggles I had known and been around. And though she changed my perception, she didn't change the fact that I believed myself to be smarter than most—better than most, and especially better than those without magic. And with that knowledge came the thirst for power, as I once told you I had craved in my youth. And I was given the opportunity for power, and for acceptance, with the Death Eaters, as I told you before. But then I was given more power by having the opportunity to betray the Dark Lord and, ultimately, avenge Lily's death. And while, yes, I did not entirely agree with the Death Eater's way, I cannot hide the fact that I am not a pleasant person. I did not feel much grief when random Muggles were attacked or killed. I, too, in my youth, believed that we should be held above Muggles, but because of Lily, I never agreed at being above Muggle-borns, no matter what I told my fellow Death Eaters." Severus paused, wondering how much to say next.
Sighing, he continued, "My adolescence was… extremely unpleasant, and the things I saw and heard in that adolescence, and then later the things I had chosen to do because of that adolescence..." He trailed off. "No matter how hard I try, no matter how long I gave my will to two masters, no matter how hard I tried to avenge Lily and keep her only son safe, I cannot go back and change what I have experienced and what I have done. I cannot rewrite those years of my life. And I cannot alter how I let them effect me."
"But you can choose how you move forward from them," his witch said, just above a whisper.
Severus studied her for a while and she held his gaze, resolutely. He tilted his head slightly and whispered back, "I believe that is what I am... trying... to do now."
"Why didn't you try before? During my last year?"
He sighed again and closed his eyes. "As I told you once before, it takes time to convince oneself of certain things, and you were my student..." He trailed off and opened his eyes to meet hers. "But believe me, I have more of a reason to try now than I did when you were still under my tutelage."
"Severus, I—" she broke off and took a deep breath, as if it pained her to say what she wanted to say. "I don't want to be your reason for trying. If I'm your reason… you'll fail."
Her statement impressed him, but it was unnecessary. "You misunderstand me, Hermione. My motivation to be better is my own. What I meant was… now I have someone who I care about who, I also know, I don't want to hurt, but more importantly, someone who I believe cares for me, too. That is a very good reason to make the effort to be… better."
"Well, will you let me help you, like you once helped me?" She trailed her fingers over his hand and lightly touched the tips of his fingers. He felt his skin crawling in delight at her tender touch, and at the offer she made.
"It seems as if you propose to tutor me," he replied, teasingly.
"Or, rather, I'm proposing to love you, not just physically, but emotionally and mentally... if you'll let me."
He paused and then asked, "Hermione… are you, truly, in love with me?"
She smiled at him. It was the smile that had made his heart swoon ever since he first saw it. He stared at her bright eyes as she replied, "I've been in love with you for a while now, Severus. More importantly, I want to be in love with you, because I love you."
He stared into her eyes and they held each other steady, like an unbreakable rod was slicing through them, connecting them together and holding them firmly in place.
No, not a rod, and not slicing. But a cloak, wrapping around them and encouraging them to stay there, as they were, or to move closer, but to never part.
"Then… I think your proposal would be agreeable," he whispered. Then he grasped her hand and drew her closer to him, practically pulling her naked body into his welcoming lap. She smiled again and, instead of holing back as he had to for so long, he acted on his desires.
He brought his lips to hers and surrendered to their magic.
A/N: Okay, guys, here is chapter 5... I'm so, so, sooo sorry it took this long, and I'm also apologizing in advance because I know each chapter from here on out will be slow to update... please don't be mad, but life is just really throwing me for a loop right now and I'm doing my best. Anyway, I hope you find some enjoyment in this chapter and can appreciate the conversation that our two lovebirds have with one another. Thank you, always, for your continuous support!
