Yo yo! Another chapter for To Hold In The Mind is up and ready to read! I would've started this up a lot sooner, but there was a... small family confrontation and I've been sort of numb since then. That along with a side of writer's block, so I hope this chapter turned out well. I'll probably edit this one a bit later since I'm not exactly sure if I liked how it turned out. Just a head's up.

Anyways, a thanks to A Foolish Fool for not only being a crazy, possibly insane buddy of mine and leaving much appreciated reviews and commentary, but for also putting up with my little "Era of Depression" and attempting to cheer me up. Also to, of course, dear old sis for putting up with my insanity for the past few days as well. One of these days you're gonna snap ^^

I don't own Kingdom Hearts, never did in the first place. If I did, Roxas would've stayed more than seven days in KH2, and I would've been stupid (and perverted) enough to arrange Xemnas's name into something completely different. Y'all know what I'm talking about... ;3


29. A Niche

Everyday as Anolani guides me across the stretch of beach that lined Chronos Cay's shores, I gaze with an empty, almost transparent look at the children as they frolicked in the deep blue salt water. Some were tackled, others splashed until their skin was marinated in ocean salt and grains of sand, but each of them shared the same innocent smile that appears to split their faces in half. I longed to be one of those children again, and even became tempted to break from my sister's grasp and jump right into the water without a care in the world. But then they would spot me from afar, and those beautifully crafted grins would slowly drop one by one and the light in their eyes would suddenly dim. Some even bow their heads to avoid looking at me, and they'd shuffle their feet awkwardly in the shimmering water for a while until we were far enough away for them to start playing again. And once they did, I'd stop one last time just so I can see what I could've been, how I wished I could be before Anolani gives a gentle tug on my wrist with a sense of urgency.

"Come on, Mavis. We're gonna be late if we don't hurry!" The girl would chirp and pull my empty body across the beach; much like how a toddler would drag a marionette by its strings.

That's right. We have friends to meet up with.

The psychiatrist...

The speech therapist...

The advisors...

The Guard...

The scientists...

I could count them as friends. We meet up, talk throughout the day, exchange addresses and numbers then promise to meet up the next week. But I can't help but feel my heart break just a bit when I see that little piece of paper slip into their hands and watch their eyes light up at all the zeroes.

I guess like most children my age, longed for a friendship that didn't involve numbers or questions concerning my mental state of mind. Then again, I'm not like most children, therefore I banished the thought before it could take root.

I can still hear the laughter of children as my sister and I sat on the sofa in the psychiatrist's office, and watched as the doctor took his usual spot in front of us with a notebook and pencil ready to write.


The outskirts of Twilight Town was enough to take the breath from my lungs and the words from my throat. We touched down in a small clearing not far from town, and soon I found myself surrounded by green giants of varying heights, all of which seemed to stare down upon me with soft gentle eyes. The wind was crisp against my skin and swept loose leaves across the grassy floor in a playful dance. Even the branches moved with the breeze taking the lead, swaying this way and that in a unified twirl.

Born in a city primarily made up of beach sand and stone, I had never seen such a beautiful cluster of enormous trees in my life and was mesmerized by the sight of it. I didn't notice the others presence until a hand came to rest on my shoulder and carefully shook.

I jumped and took in the breath of air I just realized I was holding, and turned towards the culprit with a look of surprise, "Riku..."

Suddenly brought out of my trance, I took notice of the broken stone pillars and hard gravel that littered the grass, and behind us stood a mansion rotting and falling apart with age.

"Are you okay? You looked out of it for a second," he asked, and I moved my eyes to the grass that brushed against my sneakers.

"Was I?" I pondered, combing through my hair and shaking my head to clear my head, "Sorry. It's just... I've never seen a place like this before."

"You mean a forest?" Kairi chipped in.

I nodded, "Yeah. Chronos Cay is mostly sand and stone. The closest thing we have to a forest are a few collections of palm trees and patches of grass that sprout from the sand dunes, so," I looked towards the welcome gathering of branches ahead of me with a small smile, "this is a nice change of pace."

"Wait until you see the town! It's pretty quiet, but still kind of nice," Sora jumped in, examining his surroundings with a look of nostalgia. That's right. This was where he first awoke after a year long sleep, and (technically) where his Nobody, Roxas, spent his last few days.

"How do you feel, Sora?" I asked him curiously, getting a blue eyed stare in return, "Being around here?"

"I feel fine. I mean it's great to be back and all...," his face turned thoughtful, his arms crossed as he pondered, "There's this heavy feeling in my chest. But it's... a good kind of feeling," Sora touched his heart with his eyes filled with warmth, sorrow lying beneath the pools of blue, "but it's fading away... fast." A lone tear slips from his eye, but he makes no move to wipe it away.

"Roxas remembers being here too, even if the Twilight Town he was in was a fake," Riku said, "The memories he made here were real to him, even if it isn't to us."

I shook my head, "That's not entirely true, Riku." I approached Sora and gently pressed my fingers into his temples, the boy stiff in my hands. "Memories are precious to those who have experienced them. They reside within the deep recesses of our hearts, and are written in stone. They may begin to fade away with age or be overwritten by new ones, however the memory will still be there." I closed my eyes as the images started to flood my mind. Images of a young boy with blue eyes and blonde hair playing with his friends all over Twilight Town. Eating sea salt ice cream and watching the sun splash reds, oranges and yellows across the sky from atop a station tower that overlooked the cozy town nestled in its shadow. All of these memories contained a wonderful feeling to them; many of happiness, some from anxiousness or excitement, few from anger, but most of which were content. And even as they faded into the black and became lost in the darkness, the feelings stayed anchored to me.

I carefully removed my fingers from Sora's skull, but never moved from my spot. My head was lowered into the grass as the warm feelings suddenly turned to that of longing and sadness. My heart felt like a lead weight, pulling me towards the ground and sitting like a rock in my chest.

It seems even Roxas has a place in this world... He had a niche among friends...

"To Roxas, those memories were his. They were real and treasured. His memories are not ours, so we cannot see their significance, but we don't have the right to say his- anybody's really- weren't real. Any memory crafted and held dear has some worth. And they were special to him and him only... He's lucky to have them. They were all filled with such happiness, such freedom..."

A hush slipped over us all, and a tense atmosphere settled between us. No one bothered to say a word, but everyone seemed to realized there was a hidden meaning underneath my little speech. Their blue hues settled upon me, adding more pressure on my already aching shoulders. I can imagine the confusion and worry on their countenances, the anxiety in Kairi's, the confusion in Sora's, and the underlying worry in Riku's.

Sometimes it feels as though they're mocking me with their friendship. They even worry in unison, and it's because of me. All I ever had was Anolani and even though we're as close as sisters can get, I've come to understand our relationship was closer to that of servitude. I can't deny I ordered her around most of my life; after mother died and father became corrupt, Anolani was the only person in my life that stayed with me, so I felt the need to control that. But I loved her all the same. Now that she's gone, I feel as if a part of me is missing, my niche, my role in this team. Anolani was someone I could use as an anchor, she gave me a purpose for being here. And if there wasn't one, she'd do something crazy to give me a reason to yell at her.

Sora, Riku, and Kairi have all been together since they were tots, they know how each other work. Strengths and weaknesses, who causes the most trouble and who's the one that drags them out of trouble. They all give each other purpose. I feel like an outsider amongst them, an awful feeling of being ostracized if I do the slightest thing out of the norm. Sure they are my friends, but I know I have to watch my tongue in case something slips. I usually have Anolani shout "Language!" if that happens. Now I just feel like the informant: someone who just spouts information when needed, and shoots a bolt of lightning from her hand if asked.

It's like I'm that child again. The princess who watches everyone else play while she and her sister go visit the psychiatrist.

"Mavis," Sora attempts to take my shoulders, but I move away in time and turn my back to him.

"Let's go inspect the town first. Then we'll search for the keyhole," I said, refusing to meet eyes with anyone, "We have to make sure the virus hasn't done any outside damage, or worse, gotten out into the open," I started for the open gates, "if we happen to find any townspeople around, we tell them to stay indoors. I don't need anymore casualties."

I didn't get very far. As much as I enjoyed the comfort of his hands on my shoulders and the underlying tenderness of his aquamarines, I just wasn't in the mood for it.

"Riku, let me go," I said, sounding as numb as I felt.

"Since when do I ever listen to you?" Came his reply, and when I met his gaze, he bore no smile on his face.

"Never, but now isn't the time to test your listening skills. Let me go, we have work to do."

"Not until you tell us what's wrong," he answered, tightening his grip on me, "I- We can't stand to see you like this. You were just fine not too long ago. What happened? You know you can tell us anything. We're your friends."

For how long?...

"Nulla ratio," I calmly said in ancient tongue, "Nulla ratio... for me..."

Riku sighed exasperated, "Mavis, don't start this."

"Riku, just leave this alone. Please, I want to get this done."

"Mavis...," Riku gives a slight growl, standing up straight and pulling on his silver locks in frustration. Feeling a touch of guilt, I reached up and gingerly pulled his hands out of his hair, holding onto them with careful fingers and bringing up the courage to look straight into his eyes. How they reminded me of the oceans of Chronos Cay... how much I wanted to play in them as a child... how I missed the chance long ago. The horrid longing I felt came crashing back.

With yet another sigh, this time full of exhaustion, Riku gave a small nod. "Alright," I pulled away from him with a thankful smile, "Just know... that we care about you. We told you if needed anything. ANYTHING. We'll help you get it. And that includes a shoulder to lean on."

"I'll... put it into consideration," I replied, now feeling a slight blush peppered across my face, "now let's go look around. We've already wasted enough time just standing around."

As I headed off into the forest with the other's not far behind, a sudden thought crossed my mind followed by a feeling of dread.

I have realized my feelings, I know that much for sure. I'm not gonna deny them like some lovesick teenager in one of Anolani's soap operas. But I know I can't let them cloud my mind. We have a mission to complete, and once it's done we'll go our separate ways. There's no guarantee we'll meet again, and we're a whole dimension apart. I'm counted as an immortal, a kind of god in this realm. I can't let these nuisances distract me from my ultimate goal. But still...


Kairi giggled softly and gently rested her hand on my left shoulder, "You know, it's okay if you don't want to admit it. Just try to embrace these thoughts instead of hiding from them. You'll feel a lot better knowing what you really want."


If that will truly make me feel the slightest bit better...

"Te... amo...," I said under my breath, peeking an interest from the silver haired boy directly behind me. The words, though comfortable in ancient text, felt foreign on my tongue, and a light tickle brushed my insides. For the love of Chronos, what have I been reduced to? To feel this... this strange...

"Huh?" Riku paused a moment, brows raised in inquiry. Kairi and Sora stopped as well out of curiosity.

With a light- hearted smirk, I looked over my shoulder and said clearly, "Te amo, Riku." And continued into the gathering of trees, leaving them baffled.

"What does that... Hey! What did you say!?" Riku charged after me, demanding an answer.

"It's not important," came my calm reply, ignoring any of Riku's further attempts to pry.

A colony of monarchs must've made a nest in my chest.

Yes, that's got to be it.