WASSUP?!?!?!
Okay, I finally finished a chapter. How awesome am I? Seriously though, if there's anyone out there who started reading this story when I posted it in 2008 and STILL puts up with my update delays, you totes get the next chapter dedicated to you. As for this one…
Chapter dedications go to Jillian, who SHAMROCKED my birthday (which was yesterday, February 20th! I'm fifteen now! Wow, I feel so old…lmao I'm such a retard), Miranda who kept getting the hiccups (Lego blocks, by the way!), PMS Mints ("The best mint…Period."), Cats the musical because I never knew it was actually about cats, Taylor for making me feel special every morning at school, writer's block for leaving me for now, birthday money, my autisticat, and SPIRIT BOUND WHICH COMES OUT MAY 18TH AND WILL BE AMAZING BECAUSE ROSE IS BACK AT SCHOOL WITH ADRIAN WHO IS MY LIFE.
Oh, and to the person who reviewed and said Christian is the most amazing (I wanted to reply so bad! Damn anonymous review!): Yes. Yes, Christian is amazing. But he belongs with Lissa. I'm talking about the available VA boys. Dimitri is SEXY and technically was never actually dating Rose, so I could still hope, but he was such an asshole in Blood Promise I'm not even bothering anymore. Besides, I only wanted him for his accent, his body and his trenchcoat. But Adrian is HELLA amazing. Not only is he funny but he's got that badass vibe that makes people like me strangely attracted to him, but he's also really sweet to Rose which is cute. Everything sweet he does for her makes me go "AWW!"
Yeah, so that's my unnecessarily long justification of why the other two are amazing. But if Christian was available I would so go for him. I mean, he can make fire, man. And he's hilarious. So I totally get why you would go for him.
Anyway…ignore me and move on to the chapter.
Chapter Something: A Gay Guy, An English Man and a Brutus Walk Into A Bar...
Jeff: DUDE! SUP MAH HOME SKILLET BISCUIT WITH A SIDE OF BUTTER AND JAM?!
Mr. Kittywhale: BRO! Man, I haven't seen you in like FO EVA.
Jeff: Yeah, it was like BOGUS with you gone. Like, totally JENK.
Mr. Kittywhale: Jenk?
Jeff: Yeah. That's what we'd say if this was iCarly.
Mr. Kittywhale: OMIGOODNESS I totally love that show!
Jeff: Isn't it just grand?
Mr. Kittywhale: THE GRANDEST!
Jeff: YEE AAH! So, anyway, DUDE! The show!
Mr. Kittywhale: …What about it?
Jeff: Shall we go on?
Mr. Kittywhale: Do I have a choice?
Jeff: Not really.
Mr. Kittywhale: ONWARD, then!
(Cuts to Adam Lambert's living room)
Aro: So…YOU'RE the gay one?
Adam Lambert: Oh totally. I like pretty much banged a guy on national television.
Aro: Nervy, nervy.
Adam Lambert: So…wanna bang?
Aro: I'm good, actually. I passed Britney Spears on the street.
Adam Lambert: You'll come around.
Aro: Probably.
Alec: Why don't you just ask him so we can get this over with?
Aro: GAHH!
Alec: What?
Aro: How the jumbo slushie did you get in my house?!
Adam Lambert: Uhh…Actually, this is my house.
Aro: Same thing.
Adam Lambert: Did I tell you I'm gay?
Aro: Did I tell you I'm a pirate?
Alec: Why are we here again?
Aro: HOW DID ALL THESE PEOPLE GET IN MY HOUSE?!
Adam Lambert: I'm gay!
Dimitri: You also look like a girl.
Aro: DIMITRI!
Dimitri: ARO!
Alexa: ME!
Aro: Go away, you.
Alexa: Aww…
Alec: ALEXA!
Alexa: ALEC!
Alec: What's up my home skillet?
Alexa: BISCUIT HITLER!
Alec: HITLER BISCUITS!
Alexa: Obviously I'm loved by somebody.
Aro: Well I'm the super macho leader guy, so what I say goes. And I don't like you.
Alexa: You're awfully whiny for a 'super macho leader guy'.
Adam Lambert: I like whiny. –wink-
Alec: I have to say you're creepy. And I'm a teenage vampire transvestite with a porcupine for a child.
Aro: Where is Brutus?
Alec: I left him with Skittles.
(Back with Skittles)
Skittles: Okay kid, here's the deal. I'M the adorable child. You should back off.
Brutus: Squawk?
Skittles: No I will not play Twister with you!
Brutus: Squawk?
Skittles: Not Clue either.
Brutus: …Squawk?
Skittles: Ooh, Monopoly sounds fun!
(Back at Casa Gay)
Adam Lambert: I like men!
Aro: So, Adam Lambert…
Adam Lambert: Yes, I am gay.
Aro: That's not what I was going to ask.
Adam Lambert: Whatever you're asking, yes. –raises eyebrow suggestively-
Aro: So you ARE a leprechaun, then?
Adam Lambert: How do you know my secrets?
Aro: Wikipedia.
Adam Lambert: Aha. I knew it. I should never have trusted Wiki. It's run by unicorns, you know.
Aro: They're quite pleasant people, though they are a bit tricky.
Adam Lambert: The dwarves at Google are even worse. They bite.
Aro: Bet that hurt.
Adam Lambert: I kind of enjoyed it, actually.
Alec: Have I mentioned I'm afraid of this man?
Alexa: Eh, I've seen worse.
Alec: What's worse than Adam Lambert?
Alexa: The movie version Aro.
Dimitri: HE WAS CREEPY.
Aro: Chyeah, and SO not like me. Yeah right, like I'd wear an outfit THAT hideous! Get real poser actor whose hair is nowhere near as soft and luxurious as mine.
Adam Lambert: He had nothin on you, babe.
Aro: Aww, that's so nice! I don't know what you guys are talking about, this guy's a total sweetie.
Dimitri: You've obviously never been hit on.
Aro: What are you talking about?
Alec: Aro, man, this guy's totally trying to get you into his skinny jeans.
Aro: Nahh, really?
Adam Lambert: It's true. Although it's just such a trouble that you probably won't fit into them. We could try yours, though… -'hey babe' head nod-
Aro: Okay, now that I've clued in I'm disturbed.
Dimitri: Then why are we still here?
Aro: Point. Let us scurry away!
-All scurry-
(Back at Castle Volturi)
English Man: OI! QUIT YOUR LOLLYGAGGING AND FETCH ME A BO'LE 'O WHISKEY AND SOME CRISPS!
Aro: I don't like your Cockney attitude, my friend.
English Man: I DON'T LOIK YOUR BLOODY FACE YOU RAT'S ARSE WANKER!
Aro: Wanker? Is that really necessary?
English Man: YOU DARE CHALLENGE ME YOU POT O' SQUID SPERM?
Aro: Squid sperm…? Now you're just not making any sense.
English Man: IT'LL SURE MAKE SENSE WHEN I SHOVE YOUR FACE UP YOUR ARSE-HOLE YOU PANSY-ASS PRAT!
Aro: Oh HELL no! Alec, get my ass-kicking pants!
Alec: Nah, I'd rather not.
Aro: Fine! I guess I'm a lone ranger on this one.
-Tackles English Man-
Alexa: Alec, my main man-woman! What's up my home skillet biscuit Hitler?
Alec: HITLER BISCUITS?!
Alexa: That's why I love you. So, what's going on?
Alec: Aro just body slammed some random British guy. I thought you were babysitting Brutus?
Alexa: Nah, I gave him to Dimitri.
Alec: Oh God.
(Elsewhere…)
Dimitri: So, Brutus…what should we do today?
Brutus: Squawk.
Dimitri: No, we can't go water-skiing, there's no boat.
Brutus: Squawk.
Dimitri: We can't go to Hot Topic either. Last time I went there these Mexican wannabe-emos chased me out the door with broomsticks. Not whole brooms, just broomsticks.
Caius: -Distantly- Did someone mention Mexico?
Brutus: Squawk?
Dimitri: Well…Yes, we could eat the Jonas Brothers. I prefer white meat anyway.
Brutus: Squawk.
Dimitri: No that was not meant in a racist way! That's like saying people who eat white cows are too racist to eat brown cows.
Brutus: Squawk.
Dimitri: You're right, they are a bit dry.
Brutus: Squawk!
Dimitri: -laughs hysterically- Oh my goodness, that's amazing. If I had a penny for every time I heard that, I'd have one cent. That's a once-in-a-lifetime joke, my friend.
Brutus: Squawk.
Dimitri: Yes, that does sound like something she would say.
(And in some other part of Castle Volturi…)
Marcus: No! It's just not possible!
Caius: I'm afraid it is, brother.
Marcus: I can't believe it! This will change the course of science forever!
Caius: I was surprised by it myself.
Marcus: We simply HAVE to tell the others!
-rings bell-
Marcus: Everyone! Meeting in the Grand Hall NOW! I have some important announcements to make!
-Everyone gathers-
Marcus: I have stumbled upon something greater than any of you could possibly imagine!
Skittles: Oh, great. Another one of Sheep Boy's grand revelations.
Marcus: Stop calling me Sheep Boy! That was one time and it will never happen again!
Adam Lambert: Then why was there a sheep in your closet?
Caius: GAHH who are you?
Aro: How did he get in here?
Alec: Why were you in Marcus's closet?
Harry From The Dresser From The Last Chapter: DOES HE KNOW I KILLED LORD VOLDEMORT?!
Aro: NOBODY CARES WIZARD MANCHILD!
Adam Lambert: Well, I'm your worst nightmare but secret wet dream –winks-, I got in through the door because you forgot to secure the bolts, I was in Marcus's closet because I enjoy being in closets almost as much as I enjoy coming out of them –winks again- and everyone knows you killed Lord Voldemort, but nobody cares.
Caius: Well that clears things up.
Marcus: Can I get on with my grand announcement?
Alexa: Sure thing, Sheep Boy.
Marcus: You told her?
Skittles: Le DUH, she's only like the number one person to tell your enemy's secrets to.
Everyone: -various forms of the phrase "oh yes, it's true"-
Marcus: ANYWAY, I have come across a piece of information so powerful it will change the course of history. This little tidbit even has the power to alter the fabric of time and space and destroy life as we know it. The information is…
-EPIC SILENCE-
Marcus: THE KNEE BONE IS CONNECTED TO THE HIP BONE!
(Cut to White Room)
Jeff: VOILA!
Mr. Kittywhale: OLAY!
Jeff: Olay?
Mr. Kittywhale: Have I said too much?
Jeff: OHMYGOD IT'S A NARWHAL!
Mr. Kittywhale: A narwhal or a narwalrus?
Jeff: You mean the unicorn of the sea?
Mr. Kittywhale: Precisely.
Jeff: Precisely what?
Mr. Kittywhale: My milkshakes bring all the boys to the yard.
Jeff: I know what brings them to my yard…
Mr. Kittywhale: …What?
Jeff: My 100-pack of Crayola crayons, of course!
Mr. Kittywhale: FO SHIZZLE MY NIZZLE!
Jeff: Well, I guess things are better left there.
Mr. Kittywhale: Indeed, indeed.
Jeff: Farewell, good sirs and ladies.
Mr. Kittywhale: Adieu!
Yeah, my outro was lame. So what? Got a problem with that? Huh? Do ya? Well then YOU can write these chapters and try to entertain today's society. I'd like to see you try to be funny.
Anyway, thanks for staying with me guys, I know I suck. OH! I have one more dedication! (As if I didn't have enough…) The last one is the book series Percy Jackson and the Olympians. It's SO. FREAKING. AMAZING. If you like Greek Mythology, or even if you don't, read it. It's really good. But seriously, I want to know if Percy and Annabeth ever hook up, because they're totally meant for each other. And he definitely likes her. Definitely. But I'm only on book three, so they're only…what, fourteen? So they haven't got it on yet. Which sucks. I want them together. And I hope Thalia grows on you, because I just started the third book (birthday present from Jilly :D) and she's already pissing me off. Oh, and I hope Luke gets punched in the testicles. Yes, folks, I said testicles instead of balls.
Well, now that my rant is over:
REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW
And if you didn't get the message, review.
Love you all with all my heart and guts and stuff!
-Alexa :)
