A/N: Characters and world property of JK Rowling. No copyright infringement intended.
Beta Love: ambiguousgoldfish, the best beta in the world
Of Blacks and Boarhounds
By Zorak23
"Thank ya, Kreature. Now, off with ya both. And don't forget, we'll call ya when ya can come home. And no fighting!"
"Yes, Missy Alula, Kreature will remember."
"Yes, Little Miss. Kritter keep Kreature in line."
And with two pops of apparition, the elves and the dog were gone.
Chapter Twenty Nine
July 2, 1992
"What's a barrel racer? And a cutter? And a cutting horse?" Harry asked later when they were ensconced back in the kitchen of Grimmauld Place, attempting to stay out of the way of the exterminators.
Lulabelle laughed out loud. "Never been to a rodeo, have ya, Harry? Wait. That might not be a thing here," she added thoughtfully. "Y'all do dressage…" Severus cleared his throat pointedly.
"Right. Okay, so Cuttin' is an arena competition where a horse and rider team have to cut out at least two cows from a herd. They have four helpers to keep the herd together, and then they hafta keep the cow in the center of the arena without lettin' it go back to the herd. They have two and a half minutes to do this as many times as they can. Make sense?"
"Er, kind of?" Harry replied.
Lulabelle sighed. "It'd be easier to show ya, but I know I don't have any cuttin' videos. Anyway, barrel racin' is typically a women's sport, but some men are startin' to do it now. Well, maybe not now… regardless, it's also done in an arena. There are three barrels, and the horse and rider hafta run around the barrels in a cloverleaf pattern as fast as they can without knocking the barrels over, then run back out of the arena. Fastest time wins. Technically there's sixty seconds to complete the course, but winnin' times are usually less than fifteen, dependin' on which level you're racin' at. We run youth competitions at the ranch back home; that's what Kritter was talkin' about. Sinaka likes to make the kids laugh by runnin' the course; I had no idea he had a rider half the time!"
"And you have a video of this?" Severus asked, just as interested as Harry but trying not to sound eager.
"Oh sure. Lemme get my phone."
"She's getting a phone for a video?" Harry asked Severus as Lulabelle walked to the hall to retrieve her purse.
The older man grinned at him. "Muggle magic from the future. You're in for a treat."
"I'm sorry, madam, but we are not able to remove the portrait from the front hall. It was applied with a Permanent Sticking Charm," the Culpepper's employee told Lulabelle apologetically, flicking his wand at said portrait to silence the screeches coming from within.
"Well damn. She sure ain't too pleasant, is she?" Lulabelle mused. "Huh," she added thoughtfully, "I wonder if this is a load-bearin' wall…"
"I beg your pardon?" the man replied.
"Well if we can't get her off the wall, can we just take the wall out?"
He blinked at her. "Take the wall out?"
"I guess we wouldn't even hafta take out the whole wall, either," she went on. "Just cut around the frame… Hey Lou!" Lulabelle hollered down the hall. "Do ya know where to get a chainsaw?"
Severus flicked his wand at the portrait as he walked into the hall; the curtains had flown open again when Lulabelle yelled. "No, sweet witch. Why in the world do you need a chainsaw?"
"We can't get Walburga off the wall, so we're gonna take out the wall," she said matter-of-factly.
"There's a garden machinery shop in Little Whinging that sells chainsaws," Harry offered, having followed Severus to the front hall.
"Thanks, sugar! Okay, let's drive on over there and pick one up while they're finishin' here…"
"Or I could just apparate like a proper wizard," Severus stated dryly.
"Or ya could just apparate," Lulabelle laughed. "Here, lemme get ya my credit card."
"Don't be ridiculous. I shall return shortly. Now Harry, where exactly is this shop located?"
"They're done with the top floors, wanna pick out your room while Lou's gone?" Lulabelle asked Harry once Severus had left.
"P-pick out my…"
"Yeah," Lulabelle said, pointedly ignoring his surprise even as her heart broke a little at his expression. "Apparently there's several to choose from. And don't worry if ya don't like how it's decorated; we can do it up however ya like," she went on as she led him up the now clean stairway. "Let's see if we can't find ya one with a bathroom attached."
Several minutes and several rooms later, Harry shyly announced, "I rather like this one, Lulabelle."
"Yeah? Let's see it, sugar," she told the boy, and followed him down the hall. The room he had picked was far from the largest bedroom in the house, but still good sized. It had dark blue walls with deep mahogany wood trim, and a large, four poster bed in the center. One wall was almost covered in windows; the drapes had been removed for cleaning. There was a matching wardrobe and desk along with a bookcase, as well as an attached bathroom.
"This is nice! Do ya like the color, or were ya wantin' to brighten it up a lil'?"
"Oh no, I like it just like this," he assured her. "I really like this colour of blue. And the window looks out to the park, which is nice. And look in the bathroom! The faucet is shaped like a snake!"
Lulabelle laughed and followed him in to see. It was here that Severus found them on his return from Little Whinging. "Very Slytherin," he commented, and made them both jump in surprise.
"Ya startled me, Lou!" Lulabelle chastised, moving to kiss him anyway. "Harry picked out which room he likes. I was tryin' to get him to talk to the faucet to see if it would work like that, but I don't think he believes me," she informed him.
Severus sighed. "Let's talk about it, then," he said. When Lulabelle and Harry looked at him expectantly, he added, "Perhaps not in the bathroom, however." The trio made their way back into the bedroom; Lulabelle and Harry both sat on the edge of the bed, and Severus took the desk chair. "Have you heard of Parseltongue, Harry?"
"Er, no sir," Harry replied.
"Parseltongue is the language of snakes. People who can speak Parseltongue are called Parselmouths. You, Harry, are a Parselmouth."
"I am?"
"Do ya remember talkin' to the snake at the zoo with your cousin, sugar?"
Harry blushed. "I, I didn't mean to…"
Lulabelle laughed. "Don't worry, we know it was an accident when ya vanished the glass. But ya really were talkin' to the snake. He wanted to go back to Brazil, right?"
"Not back, he'd never been there before… Wait, how do you know what I talked to him about?"
"The amount of information she knows is astounding, Mister Potter. Sometimes it is best to just accept it and move on," Severus suggested dryly.
"Alright," Harry said with a grin. "So I was really speaking in a different language? How can that even be possible?"
"Parseltongue isn't something one can easily learn; it is generally an innate skill you are born with. It is not a very common gift, either. Perhaps the most famous Parselmouth was Salazar Slytherin. Many of his descendants have had the gift as well, and as such, there is rather a stigma attached to it. There is nothing inherently wrong with being a Parselmouth, but people tend to fear what they do not understand."
"But don't worry, sugar. As long as ya don't go around chattin' with snakes, no one will know unless ya want 'em to. And there's a chance that once we get the horcrux outta ya, that ya won't be one anymore, either," Lulabelle told him.
"Really?" Severus and Harry said in tandem, then smirked at each other.
"Yeah," Lulabelle said with a laugh, "but I'm not a hundred percent on that, so we'll hafta just wait and see."
"But that means, with the Chamber…" Severus trailed off his thought.
"Oh yeah. Damn, I forgot about that," Lulabelle replied.
"Jar," Harry said with a grin.
"Shit," Lulabelle said, then clapped her hand over her mouth. Severus broke out in laughter as she blushed. "Let's go back downstairs and find a jar. Looks like I owe a couple dollars already," she said.
"Pounds," Harry corrected.
Severus snorted. "You're both wrong. Galleons."
"Whatever," Lulabelle said with a huff. "There was a china cabinet in the dinin' room, Harry. Run on down and look in there for something to use for a swear jar, would ya? We'll be right behind ya."
Harry left the room still snickering, and Lulabelle turned to Severus. "We're gonna hafta wait till we can get the snake before we can have the horcrux removed, aren't we?" she said.
"Apparently. Why did you say you weren't sure that he lost the ability?"
"It was one of those things that happened in the epilogue. But then there's the sequel about Harry's kids, and it's just a mess… Anyway, I can't be sure so I don't think we can risk it."
"There's another book?"
"Well, it's a play, but they released it as a book, too. I didn't really care for it, to be honest. There's also two movies set in the 1920's about Newt Scamander and Gellert Grindelwald," she said with a shrug. "Not to mention the Pottermore website where Rowling randomly releases bits of information about the HP universe. That's where everyone found out Dumbledore was gay," she added as an aside. "The point is that I don't think we know for sure if he'll keep the ability or not."
"We'll have to talk to him about it, and about trading the snake for the dragon," Severus told her.
"Yeah. Hey, do ya think he can talk to dragons?"
"I have no idea. Come, sweet witch. Let's see what he's found by way of swear jars. Hopefully it's a big one."
"Ooh, Imma getcha for that," Lulabelle threatened, and she chased a laughing Severus from the room.
"It is too dangerous. I shall not allow you to be the one to use it," Severus said later as they were stood around the portrait of Walburga Black. Even the members of the cleaning team had stopped to watch the removal.
Lulabelle looked at Severus with exasperation, then turned towards the gathered group. "Raise your hand if you've ever even heard of a chainsaw before," she said. Harry and three of the cleaners raised their hands, along with Lulabelle. She stared pointedly at Severus until he rolled his eyes and raised his hand as well.
"Raise your hand if you've ever seen a chainsaw before this one," she said next. Two of the cleaners put their hands down.
"Now, raise your hand if you've ever used one before," she finished. Her hand was the only one still up. "See! How can me usin' it be anything but the safest option?" she asked.
"You can't reach the top," Severus stated petulantly, refusing to let go of his position.
"Neither can you! Either one of us would hafta be on a ladder! You're bein' ridiculous, Lou. I'll let ya hold the ladder if ya wanna feel like you're helpin', though," she replied. Harry gamely tried to hide his snicker with a cough, but failed miserably. Severus scowled at him.
"Now the ol' bat is probably gonna start hollerin' once I start this thing up," Lulabelle announced to the room, "And I'm real sorry about that. She's not fit for company, which is why we're gettin' rid of her. Y'all ready?" Lulabelle received nods from everyone except Severus, who stood with his arms folded as he stared at her. "Come here, ya silly man," she told him, tugging him down to her level. "It's perfectly safe. I've used one a hundred times before back home. Just never to cut a magical paintin' off a wall, but there ya go. Now be nice, and hold the ladder for me," she demanded, and kissed him.
Still grumbling, he did as she bade. Lulabelle climbed the ladder, started the chainsaw, and began slicing into the wall around the portrait. The curtains flew open, and the Black matriarch's shrieks were added to the cacophony in the hall. Once the top and upper parts of the sides of the frame were free, Lulabelle stopped the chainsaw and climbed down the ladder. Severus flicked his wand at the portrait to silence her once more.
"I think I can reach the rest from the ground. Once I get the sides free, can y'all maybe kinda hold it up while I get the bottom?" she asked, not speaking to anyone in particular as she studied the remaining work to be done.
"I suppose we 'maybe kinda' could, or perhaps a levitation charm would work just as well," Severus replied.
"Oh, that's a good idea," Lulabelle said brightly as Harry snickered at Severus' words.
Once the ladder was moved out of the way, the portrait-covered portion of wall was soon completely free from the surrounding area, and two of the cleaners were levitating the result to the attic.
"And lookie there, I still have all my limbs attached," Lulabelle snarked to Severus. The remaining cleaners could be heard snickering as they left the hall to return to their duties.
"Why is she keeping the portrait if she went to all that trouble to take it down?" Harry quietly asked the man.
Severus raised his brow as he considered the question. "I honestly have no idea," he remarked. "Sweet witch, why are you keeping the portrait?"
"For Sirius. I thought maybe a bonfire would make a nice 'welcome home from prison' present," she replied. Severus snorted at her.
"And you say you'd be a Ravenclaw," he snickered.
"Yeah, that's a pretty Gryffindor thing to do," Harry added.
"Gryffindor, Mister Potter?" Severus drawled.
Harry looked at his professor and with an arched brow of his own, asked, "Have you met Seamus?"
Severus was silent for a moment, then simply said, "Touché."
