Chapter 29 – Sweet Sorrow
1:45am
Bo's bag was packed, sitting not so neatly in the corner of the room and waiting patiently to be loaded into the car and then onto a plane. I'd tried to ignore it, just as the two of us had been ignoring any need for sleep, instead using the time until the sun's return carefully avoiding becoming lost in the inevitable sadness waiting for us when the reality that we'd lovingly created in the last few weeks would cease.
We didn't say what we should say because we'd already said it all, spoken promises out loud and silently. That's what made this time before departure different from the last; there was a sense of surety of what we both wanted and what that would look and feel like, only this time, we were working towards a bigger picture and not just working our way through six months until we we'd see each other again. In the back of my mind there was always Camp Chipewa and a declaration born from hope, new love and probably far too much naivety when I look back at it. A decision made to meet back there in 12 months' time and see if the feelings we'd discovered and built over that crazy and incredible summer were still alive and raging. I didn't need to wait and see and that's what both hurts and keeps me determined in equal measures.
"I'm upping the ante". Bo's finger eagerly traced my silhouette through the air in front of her, voice low and hazy. "Everything off".
A true poker face was like wearing a mask of indifference and I'd developed a talent for doing just that. Right now though I knew my mask had cracked even if it was just a little bit, my eyes ever so slightly twitching as I looked at a naked Bo except for black lace panties, lounging tiredly against the headboard while I lay on my stomach taking up the rest of the bed, cards expertly fanned and organised. "That's not a fair bet; you've only got one item of clothing left to go so I can't exactly match or call".
"You'll just have to use your imagination". Her smile was full and playful, her right leg bending at the knee and falling open. Once I managed to force my eyes away from her, I glanced down to my hand; three bearded kings sitting regally side by side on their red and black thrones. She'd been bluffing all night and it's why she was in her current state of undress while I'd only lost my shirt. It didn't matter though because there were no losers in this game. "I fold". Just like that I put the cards neatly off to the side before removing my bra, shorts and panties. With a smile and no words I kissed her lips, down her neck, between her breasts and then just barely grazed my lips against the soft skin above the waistband of her underwear before guiding them down her hips, waiting as she obediently lifted her ass so I could slide them the rest of the way off. She'd moved down into the centre of the bed and I met her there, my legs wrapping around her body until I sat in her lap, breast to breast as we both sighed in contentment.
It was so hard to think about tomorrow when we were like this; the two of us whispering our conversation into the otherwise quiet house while everyone else's universe wasn't set to tear open again so they slept. It was an overly dramatic frame of mind to keep because we'd survived distance before and we'd do it again. "So, Warrant Officer Jason Beattie, I don't know what to think yet".
My fingers traced up and down her spine, memorising each small peak and trough of skin over bone. "You want to debrief from dinner?"
"Seemed like the logical next step after losing miserably to you at Poker". Her breath was warm and felt almost like a caress as she spoke slowly while nuzzling her nose into my neck.
"I folded, that was technically a win".
"I had nothing in my hand and you know it, you just wanted to be naked with me".
"I can put my clothes back on if you'd prefer?" She pulled back to look at me intently, an almost scowl appearing on her face. "No chance in hell that's happening".
I smiled triumphantly and we were both settled back against each other's skin, silence engulfing us until the underlying intensity of holding her so close threatened to burst out. That's when I spoke again. "He wasn't what I expected when I first met him, he was genuine and funny and down to earth, the exact opposite of all Karen's previous partners. Looking back, I don't think she was ever serious about anyone else that I'd met though, never in love like she was with Jas. He took her by surprise".
I closed my eyes to break the intense stare she was giving me, my head hanging loosely on my neck at the feel of her fingers running through my hair gently, her touch betraying the trivial, everyday atmosphere we were trying hard to maintain for as long as possible. "He was easy to talk to, friendly. I was expecting him to be more serious, maybe a bit formal or something".
I breathed out a laugh, knowing exactly what she meant. "Man can fire a canon with pinpoint accuracy and effectively command large groups of soldiers but ask him to change a light globe and he's careful and unsure".
Her own laugh reverberated against my chest. "It was a good night. I think Kenz met her match in Mason, he had her wrapped around his little finger".
"No more than with you".
"I'm not denying it; that kid's got some superpower". Bo's hands left my hair and smoothed down my sides to cup my ass and pull me in tighter, my own hands moving to hold her face gently. "He's incredibly lovable". I'd moved in slowly but was met half way as she lunged; her lips against mine were ferocious, making my entire body ache. We both pulled back breathing heavily and I knew it as much as I saw it in her eyes, there was a need to make love but it wouldn't happen just yet, we weren't quite ready to feel everything that would surface. "I've loved having you here Bo. Thank you so much for being here with me".
2:50am
"I'd like to make an official guess". Bo raised her body up on her knees, all confidence and swagger.
"What do you deduce Detective Dennis?" I watched captivated from my pillow as she plucked the sealed, miniature yellow envelope from the centre of the board game and held it reverently aloft as though it held the secret to the greatest of this world's mysteries.
"Mrs Peacock, in the library, with the rope".
I rolled onto my side, propping my head up on my arm and smiling at how she kept glancing down at the board, her brow furrowing in concentration as she worked every angle and suspect over in her head again. "Are you sure? This is the third time you've accused poor Mrs Peacock of murder. I'd say that's almost bordering on harassment".
"She looks shady with that fur wrap and the feathered headgear going on". She was smiling now, but still completely serious and beautifully naked as she held the envelope out for me to take. "Is that all the evidence you're using to underpin your accusation?"
"It's stupid o'clock in the morning babe, I'm running on pure instinct".
Pulling the three cards from the envelope, I rolled onto my back and brought them tightly to my chest as I went. "That's why you'll be an amazing police officer; your instincts are sharp". I held up Mrs Peacock and the Library card but withheld the murder weapon. "Turns out your shady lady likes a little more violence than you anticipated, she went with the lead pipe".
A warm body pounced on me then, playfully wrestling the card from my hand. "You didn't believe me?" I'd landed on top easily, my knees on either side of her hips, resting comfortably on soft sheets. "You cheat". She threw the card over the side of the bed and pulled me down onto her chest. Our bodies lay flush, our breathing in sync. With a kiss to her cheek I moved my mouth to her ear, my voice soft as a whisper. "We can sleep if that's what you want".
Her eyes were closed, her head tilted back against the pillow but her hands were at my ass then up my back and in my hair. "I can sleep later. I just need this, need you, talking, touching".
I nodded in understanding. "Until you need to go".
"Yeah, until then". Everything became thick in that moment; the air around us and the soft glowing light from the single bedside lamp. I didn't look away from her, that wasn't a possibility. "Your parents will be here for breakfast in what?" she craned to the left, her eyes searching out the display of neon numbers. "A little under five hours" I answered for her softly, successfully breaking through the thinly veiled tension but knowing it would inevitably build again.
"We'll make them count".
"Mmmm, I've got celebrity heads and guess who lined up next". I tried to keep a straight face but her hands squeezing at my hips triggered a bright smile.
"I know that you're kidding". Pushing up on my arms I quickly rolled off her and the bed, landing in an uncoordinated crouch on the carpet. She held back a laugh as I tried to gracefully recover and when I was upright again her arms took back their hold around me.
The kiss that came next started so naturally it would have been impossible to determine if there was an instigator, but with the motion of her lips against mine I felt everything from the beginning again, every second spent, every touch of her skin.
My hands were so eager to map and re-memorise and I gave them free reign, our bodies swaying together as though we were slow dancing in stark silence. I hadn't been ready to feel it all earlier but at the fall of my lips to her neck and the pull of her thigh to my hip I opened myself to the sweet sorrow of parting once again with the person I loved.
Wednesday, 20th May, 5:50pm (three months later)
The subconscious mind is an amazing thing; its capacity being virtually unlimited, it permanently stores everything that ever happens to you. I remember reading that somewhere, late at night when I'd needed a distraction from surgical case studies and veterinary journals.
The problem is that your subconscious is subjective; unable to think or reason independently, it merely obeys the commands it receives from your conscious mind and my conscious mind always drifts back to Bo. She's become a distraction when I itch to feel her close but I know I can't and my muse when I'm overtired and overwhelmed.
Right now I'm a hot mess; too much overtime and too many night shifts than were necessary or healthy to take, I'd taken and backed them up with a long surgery this afternoon. There's somewhere I need to be though, someone I'm dying to meet yet even now, scrubbing profusely at my hands I want to close my eyes and get lost in the memories sitting front and centre like always.
Those last few precious early morning hours that we spent alone together still feel fresh. I can remember clearly how wet and warm she'd been as I moved inside her, the rasp of my own voice as "I love you" tumbled out and the taste of her tears, her lips and her skin. It had been tender and then aggressive and back again, but we'd both been so open and free it had almost been painful at times knowing we'd have to let go. Not as much as getting dressed together in the sunlight and silence though, her perfume and moisturiser still mingled with my own, the last items to be packed away in the devil bag from hell, the representative of her departure.
The rest of that morning was a blur of words and emotions; my mum and dad hugging Bo and Kenzi in such a genuine way they both didn't seem to know how to handle it and a car ride to the airport, Nicole and Kenzi in the front seats and Bo and I in the back. Kenzi had wrapped me up in a tight embrace whispering that she'd see me soon before taking Bo's backpack and moving a couple metres away to wait. I'd watched her for a second and I'd seen her glance Nicole's way, a look exchanged between the two of them that spoke of mutual respect. Nic had smiled in response, given a nod but also moved away, just in the opposite direction.
It was just Bo and I again then, even in the crowded airport, at least that's the way it felt to me. She had tears in her eyes all of a sudden, matching my own but there was determination as well. My own eyes closed on instinct as she kissed me, my hands moving to hold her face as she clutched at my lower back. "All of me…..you have all of me" – it had just come tumbling on out, earning me a smile as she took a deep breathe.
"You're the love of my life Lauren; there will never be goodbye". There was a kiss then, the memory of which I'd used as an anchor to her ever since. That day, once I'd walked back over to Nicole, she'd immediately posed a question: "You're going to follow her this time aren't you?" I nodded resolutely, my mind made up. "The second I can, I will".
From the moment I'd said those words I'd been working to a plan, taking each necessary step diligently, one after the other. Long days of working and studying, lab time and research turned into weeks and before I knew it March had hit and I'd formally declined the internship offer with the College of Veterinary Scientists after a charged conversation with Bo. She'd seemed angry and frustrated at the situation, an opportunity she felt I was missing out on. It was a merry-go-round we'd been on before and would be on again I had no doubt.
I had dinner with mum, dad, Karen and Jason the following week and I explained I'd started to actively look at interesting veterinary positions vacant in the U.S, that I wanted to start applying, general positions now and surgical positions once I had the piece of paper in my hand, the extra letters on my lab coat.
There'd been understanding and encouragement, lots of questions asked and answered about Visa's and the cost of relocating and living expenses. There'd been some tears too. I emailed off my first job application two days later.
The water turned hot, too hot to stand and it switched my autopilot off and brought me firmly back into the present. Once dried, my hands went to my face, rubbing at my eye lids, wishing I could come down from the focussed adrenalin still coursing through my body post-surgery. It had been a success from a clinical point of view and Harry the German Shepherd would hopefully go from a limp to a stable walk in a few weeks and then given some more time, a slow run thanks to some ligament repair and assisting stem cell treatment.
I took stock of the quiet hum of machines and the cool, sterile metallic smell and feel of my operating suite as I turned out the final light with a sigh and walked through into recovery. "Your patient's fine Dr Lewis; breathing and heartrate are stable. Don't you have a different hospital you need to get to?"
Joe hadn't even looked up at me as he'd spoken; he'd scribbled notes in my chart though and then adjusted Harry's IV with concentration and a smile. "I do, yes". This time he put down his chart, fixing me in his sights. "Then as your boss, I'm telling you to get out of here while you can. It's been a crazy few days and as much as I admire and respect your professionalism and dedication you've been here for too many hours now. Time to rejoin the human world".
"Thanks Joe, but you've been clocking the same if not more hours than I have".
He shrugged casually, a pen twirling between two fingers of a steady hand. "Goes with the territory of business owner I'm afraid. You have no excuse, I already know you're a star; you don't have to prove it. Now go".
I held my hands up in surrender as I backed up towards the door with a smile, debating internally whether I should head home for a quick shower but deciding against it. Clean clothes would have to do because I didn't want to wait another minute to meet my niece.
6:45pm
I passed on the giant helium balloons and pre-made bunches of flowers that everyone else in the crowded elevator held tightly in their hands. My sister was practical; a new baby meant she'd already have full hands and a full car when she left this hospital and anything extra would just piss her off. Also, I knew from experience when Mason was born that she'd be insanely hungry, so I opted to stop for freshly baked muffins, coffee for me and Jason and hot chocolate for Karen. Now that I was forced to actually stop and stand still for more than 30 seconds I was wishing I'd bought more food because from memory the last time I ate was sometime in the a.m and thank god the fifth floor arrived before I had more time to think about my stomach.
It was a short walk across the foyer, past the reception desk and to the right before I hit the hallway of wooden doors, all numbered neatly, some open and some closed, charts sitting in a holder outside of each. 514 was one of the rooms with its door closed all the way and as I approached and the distinct sounds of a baby crying fitfully penetrated out from behind the solid wood I understood why. I slipped into the room quietly but the greeting I received was anything but. My niece was absolutely beautiful, even with the red face and fists forcing their way out of the tight wrap she was swaddled in as she continued to cry and I felt a smile leap its way onto my face in an instant.
As Karen looked up at me she smiled in return and seemed surprisingly calm before wincing as she took an initial few steps in my direction. It was just the three of us, another surprise, but I let it slide and deposited the brown paper bag and coffee tray on a small side table as I closed the last few metres of distance and gave Karen a kiss on the cheek and took my first good look at my niece. "Holly, I'd like you to meet your Auntie Lo, or Lo-Lo if you turn out anything like Mason. Hopefully you're just like him and as soon as she takes you for a walk, you'll settle down and stop crying".
I was captivated by the distressed little girl being held out for me to take. "She doesn't need to be fed?" I actually didn't care that much about the answer as I took her in my arms and immediately pulled her close to my chest and started to rock her gently. "No, I just fed her twenty minutes ago, she was happy for a little bit after that and then lost her marbles".
I nodded in response, my eyes fixed on Holly as I spoke quietly. "Where's Jas? I wanted to say congratulations".
"You just missed him; Mason was exhausted after being here all afternoon so he took him home to bed. God I love you". I looked up then and laughed as Karen pulled out a banana-choc muffin and started to eat. "Love you too sis, we'll be back in a little while". Just like that I was at the door and nudging it open, Holly still testing out her lungs like a trooper. "Let's leave your mum alone for a bit, get to know each other". The world around me faded as I walked down the long maternity ward hallway, seeking out the family room I remembered finding years ago with its floor to ceiling windows and plush couches. It was gloriously empty except for a busy street view on one side and wall to wall pamphlets on the other.
"I think we'll sit down for a bit, you can keep crying it out, that's fine with me". Still cradled in my arms, a tiny hand finally broke through its soft cotton constraint and grabbed at the air around it. "You're just determined. You're supposed to love being all wrapped up but you want your hands free". I leaned further into the side of the couch, my head swiftly turning in the direction of someone entering the room and then leaving just as quickly when they saw me and heard the screaming baby up close and personal. I smiled brightly as I unwrapped Holly and after giving her a once over, pressed her lightly against my chest, her head just under shoulder height as I covered her snuggly with the wrap and started to pat and rub her back rhythmically, my own eyes closing in response to the frequent pattern of motion I'd created.
She'd tucked in tightly against me and in a few minutes started to relax and settle, just as holding her had somehow quieted my mind and unwound my thoughts. I kept my eyes closed and my breathing deep and regular, her small body moving up and down with each rise and fall of my chest. "I love you already and I'll always take care of you". A family group came into a room a minute or so later, breaking through our quiet so I made my way back to Room 514 finding Karen reclined in bed and shaking her head with a tired smile as she patted the space next to her in invitation.
"The baby whisperer hasn't lost her touch I see".
A quiet laugh escaped my chest to which Holly's tiny fist jerked in response before disappearing again behind the wrap. "You give me too much credit; I think she just cried herself out".
Karen held her phone up, snapping a quick picture before sipping on her hot chocolate again. The smell of the coffee was amazing but holding my sleeping niece trumped it by far.
"Congratulations sis, she's beautiful. Well worth the wait".
"Longest pregnancy in history, shop is officially shut for business forever".
"It did feel like an elephant pregnancy".
"How long is that exactly?"
"22 months". She nodded in agreeance, holding her stomach lightly. "I actually can't believe I avoided a caesarean. I remember hearing all the stories from my mother's group where they'd been induced and it was never successful, they always plateaued in the middle stages of labour and ended up with an emergency ceasar".
"I'm surprised they let you go that long beyond your due date before inducing you. She really didn't want to come out".
"And now she's making her presence known". Karen shifted uncomfortably next to me letting out a sigh. "In more ways than one, I'm so fucking sore and my vagina looks like a patchwork quilt".
"I'll take your word for it". I closed my eyes lightly again as the three of us reclined. "I'll send Bo the pic I just took of you and Holly, she text me earlier to say congratulations".
"Yeah I spoke to her quickly this morning before work, she was excited". A huge sigh escaped me before I could stop it, my eyes still closed as I tried to relax again now that Bo was back in my mind.
"Here's the part where I ask you what's wrong. Because I can read you like a book right now, you've got that forehead crinkle that tells me something's going on and you're trying to push it down but not succeeding".
My eyes snapped open and I looked at my sister for a long minute, opening and closing my mouth but nothing finding its way out. "You can talk to me. Don't even bother with the 'you just had a baby and you look tired' line. All I've done for the past two hours is feed the aforementioned baby I just had with a lactation specialist peering at me intently and commenting on my nipples and then trying without success to settle her, all in between trying to talk to Jas and give Mason some form of attention. Please god talk to me about something other than any of that".
Karen turned her body towards me, kind of propped up on her side, taking an adoring look at her daughter before smiling lightly up at me. "Talk Lauren".
"I have this letter at home, an invitation to return and be a part of the Camp Chipewa staff team, helping to bring to life another amazing summer, that's the way they worded it". I took a breath then, knowing now that I'd started everything was about to spill out.
"I know Bo has one too but typical for me, I haven't talked about it with her. I can't go and I'm sure she knows that and it's probably why she hasn't brought it up either. It was a plan we made, to both go back, the only plan we could make back then when everything was still new and a little unsure but so, so hopeful. Now it's almost a year later and things have changed, me and Bo, we're becoming something else, something more. Another three months, as amazing as they'd be would come to an end again and I don't know how many times I can keep doing that". I stopped and closed my eyes again then, just briefly before tipping my head back and then turning back to Karen.
"I'm so…..frustrated. Last summer I fell in love and all those hopes I had locked away tight up on a high shelf, I met Bo and then I slowly took then down and dusted them off. I'm being patient, I'm working and I'm saving and I'm trying so hard to not let her down, but I feel like I am".
"That's not what you're doing".
"I've applied for thirteen positions in the U.S, some straight out veterinary science and some surgical specialist and I've been called for interview for nine of them. I've done phone interviews and Skype interviews and I've pretty much perfected my spiel because they always ask the same questions, have the same concerns so I go through it each time; that I'll cover the cost of my Visa sponsorship and I don't expect any moving or settlement expenses to be covered, that the opportunity to work outside of Australia is an opportunity I'm actively pursuing because it offers a unique experience to work with different animals and conduct independent research. I keep it professional; make it all about the science and my love of the work".
"Maybe that's what you need to change".
"It's not untrue though; working here at the clinic is rewarding personally and professionally and Joe has been a great mentor and support but most of the work we do involves companion animals and sometimes cattle or horses with a little bit of native wildlife thrown in".
"The experience is only one of two reasons you want to move and if you're being honest with yourself, it's not the main one". We both fell silent then for a long minute, the smell of the coffee drifting back into my realm of awareness and tiredness creeping in along with it.
"Everything just feels jumbled right now and every time I get an email or a phone call saying I'm unsuccessful it hits just a bit harder. I know what I want and I'm doing everything I can think of to make it happen but it's just not".
"And Bo?"
"Bo's just under a month away from graduating, she's working hard too and I've gone from talking about the jobs I was applying for and sharing the rejections to doing neither of those things anymore and she's stopped asking because she knows I'm disappointed and secretly I know she's disappointed too".
"So everything's just nice and simple with you then?" She was smiling wryly and it instantly made me laugh. "Yep nice and simple like always". I looked down at my sleeping niece again, still curled up against my chest before I closed my eyes and the room fell silent and calm. I'd keep on being patient because it didn't really matter how many thousands of kilometres away Bo was; I could always feel her, so close sometimes it felt like she was whispering in my ear.
Thursday, 28th May, 3:45pm
I pressed my knee down harder into Bruce's back, his arms pinned by the force of my bodyweight.
"Bo!"
"You have at least double my physical strength Bruce, we both did the theory, you know it and I know it". I released the grip one of my hands had on the pulse point in his wrist and moved it to the back of his neck. "So how is it that you've found yourself in this position?"
He struggled to move anything except his legs, his neck rotating only slightly to the side so he could force his words out in fast chunks. "You're top of the class in hand to hand tactical confrontation".
"Mhhmm, that and whenever we train together like this you make the mistake of treating me like a lady". I moved off him quickly, sitting to the side and watching as he gingerly slumped and then sat opposite me.
"Once you had my shoulder pinned and pressed into my wrist, my arm was dead, nice move".
I nodded with a smile, feeling the perspiration dripping down my spine start to cool. It was uncomfortable. "Are we still on for the range tomorrow?"
"8:00am, thirty targets booked. We need to be there fifteen minutes before to check the weapons out with the duty officer". I flopped onto my back, my arms hitting the blue mat in defeat while I contemplated how sore I'd be tonight. Bruce came to rest in the same position a metre or so to my left, both of us still sucking in hard breaths. "I know what I'm getting myself into with Kenzi. I know she's a challenge emotionally and I want to take that risk, she's worth it".
A sigh escaped me, my eyes remaining fixed on the high, steel trussed ceiling as I contemplated his words. "She'll hit harder than I do".
He laughed lightly, a sound that always took me by surprise when it came from his hulking frame. "You're not allowed to hurt her Bruce, just like I've told her she's not allowed to hurt you". With significant effort I got to my feet and waited for him to join me. "I'm still pissed you didn't tell me sooner".
"Kenz wanted to be the one to tell you". He held his hands up and took a solid step back with a smile. "Fine, you're forgiven. Let's get the hell out of here, my bathtub's calling my name and I want to talk to Lauren before Tamsin comes over tonight".
He smirked as his shoulder nudged mine lightly. "Yeah, yeah, I know. You don't need to remind me how much of a goner I am for Lo, I live and breathe it and love every second".
8:15pm
"I'm still trying to wrap my head around Kenzi willingly and actively dating someone". I stopped mid chew, looking up as Tamsin sat opposite me stuffing noodles into her face and waiting comfortably for me to answer the jumble that just came out of her mouth.
"You mean as opposed to her in-actively dating someone? That doesn't even make sense".
"She's just always followed the same philosophy as me; stay a free spirit, come and go through life as you please".
"Love isn't a cage Tam". We were sprawled out opposite each other on the couch, too lazy to go out for dinner, so we'd ordered in.
"I suppose it wouldn't seem like that if you actually found your match, something that's eluded me so far". We both stayed quiet for a while after that, eating taking first priority again. It was a reflex then to want to talk about Lauren and even though my friendship with Tamsin had weathered the storms it had been tested through, I still felt somewhat hesitant in offering too much.
"Bruce is huge and she's so tiny; that's gotta put a limit on the positions those two can get themselves into". My plate of vegies landed on the table to my right as I tried to hold in a laugh and Tamsin smiled dryly at me.
"So we've covered off my work and your training and impending graduation, I know Trick's all good and I've given you a run down on mum and dad. Hell I even talked in depth about the conference I'm here for and we both watched Kenzi walk out the door holding hands with somebody, holding fucking hands Bo! So how about we just skip any more trivial small talk and you tell me how things are going with Lauren because I know you're considerate and that's why you've been avoiding talking about her and then I'll talk about Dyson because I'm not so considerate and I want our friendship to be whole and not about steering around certain things".
There was a drop of vulnerability in the way she let the entirety of herself hang out there for me to take or leave, just a drop, but it was there and I appreciated it so much. That was Tamsin. "How about you tell me about Dyson first and then I'll tell you about Lauren".
She nodded firmly, her own plate joining mine on the table. "He's been seeing someone, it's still new, only a month or so in but he seems happy with taking things slow. I met her last night, name's Alicia".
"OK, well that's great, I'm happy for him". She looked to be gaging my reaction, but in all honesty the only thing I felt was a touch of relief that he was moving on. "That wasn't as weird as I thought it would be".
"It shouldn't be weird; I don't want it to be. I don't know if Dyson and I will ever have a friendship again but I want him to be happy, I wish that for him".
She swigged her beer and regarded me quietly. "So how are things with Lauren?"
A smile came to my face instantly as I thought of her; Tamsin shaking her head and smiling right along with me. "Things are great, apart from the distance aspect of course. Leaving her was harder this time and there are times when we'll talk or Skype and I can hear or see something's wrong, she's just quiet in a very Lauren way". I laughed at myself then, picking my plate back up from the table. "Kind of like earlier tonight when I spoke to her".
"So what do you do about it?"
"I'll give her a couple more days and then I'll corner her with it, I've learned that's the best approach". My fork moved the food around on my plate as I got trapped in my head for a long minute. "She just finished her post-graduate degree, specialising in veterinary surgery and she treated it like it was no big accomplishment, just a stepping stone. It's a huge thing; she's this brilliant, insanely talented and beautiful person who I'm insanely in love with. She's applying like crazy for jobs here. She'd relocate".
"That's a serious move on her part. How do you feel about it?"
"Excited, so fucking excited that I could have everything I always wanted but at the same time I feel selfish and guilty that she'd be the one to make it all happen. What am I doing? I'm stuck near the end of my training program; I'm exhausted and I'm uncertain and I need to elect preferences on which District I want to work with out of the academy based on my intended areas of specialist policing and honestly I don't know what the hell I should be doing next".
"You need beer!"
"I can't drink; I'm shooting targets at the range in the morning".
"You are the saddest human being I've encountered in a long while and that's saying something". The indignant smile on her face disappeared and was replaced with a certain seriousness I rarely witnessed from Tamsin.
"So what will you do if she gets one of those jobs she's been going for?"
"Cry because I'm the luckiest person alive, and die inside just a little bit for what she'd be leaving behind".
Saturday, 30th May, 7:45pm
"Lo-Lo, lift up!" Before I even had a chance to respond, Mason launched himself, my arms fortunately fast enough to catch and hoist him up. I spun us around until I got dizzy then put him down next to dad on the couch where he immediately sat up with a big smile and glazed eyes trying to get his balance.
I sat down next to him, breathing hard and closing my eyes as he snuggled in. "Fun Lo-Lo, was fun".
"I agree bud, it was fun but I'm really tired so I need to have a rest OK?"
He was nodding yes, but was off the lounge a second later and pulling me to get back up.
"How about you get Thomas and Charlie and we'll build them a track to race on?" With that well timed suggestion from Dad, Mason was off and running and I slumped back in relief.
"It's nice to be loved". My eyes were still closed but I hummed my agreement gently to my dad. A minute or so later, the cushion next to me slouched and I fell against a warm body, eyes opening to see mum looking all too pleased with herself.
"You should stay tonight, you look tired hon".
"I'm fine; we've just been really busy at work with Joe away this week. I might stay, see how I feel later".
We all watched as Mason wheeled in a green tub overflowing with plastic train tracks and got to work clipping them together in odd patterns that didn't match up. Mum and dad were making eyes at each other, trying to communicate something subtly but failing miserably at it. "I'll be back in a sec, just want to check on dessert, I'm starving".
By the time I got through wondering how that could be possible considering he'd consumed three huge pulled pork sliders for dinner less than an hour ago, he was back and carrying in a suspicious white envelope and once again taking the seat next to me. "What's happening here?" Mum was the one who reacted first to my question, angling in so she had my full attention.
"We're so proud of everything you've achieved and of the person you are and the way you love". She looked so emotional then and I found myself hurtling in that direction quickly as well. "You didn't want a fancy dinner out and I know you didn't even go for drinks to celebrate with Nic. You had your degree posted out and that was your choice, but we really wanted to do something special to let you know we love you and support you".
Dad held the white envelope out for me and I took it carefully from him. "Open it". I took out the folded paper and felt disbelieving tears prickle in my eyes. "What is this?"
He looked at me like that was the most unintelligent thing I'd ever said to him. "It's a return flight; you just need to specify your dates".
"I don't understand".
"We know how hard you've been trying….with your job applications, with the plans you and Bo have. We want to help and we know you miss her. Go; maybe set some of those job interviews up in person this time". Mum smiled widely at me with tears in her eyes and then looked to my dad lovingly. "Bo's graduation ceremony's coming up; we thought you could surprise her".
My hands were shaking as I held onto the paper tightly while mum and dad looked on. "Go make it happen kid".
END CHAPTER 29
A/N: Thanks for reading and for the continued support, I appreciate it so much.
Bit of set up in this one as I get into the last couple of chapters of this story, hope you enjoyed it. More to come soon.
