Ch. 29
Cassandra lay back in a hospital bed, half asleep. She had just gone through an ordeal. It was one of the longest and hardest ordeals of her life, and she had done it all on her own. She was strong, but she didn't know that. In fact, she thought the polar opposite. She wasn't going to deal with the fallout from the ordeal, she had other plans, she was pawing her responsibility off on someone else because she felt too weak and alone to deal with it herself.
She knew she could go home, Bobby would help her. He would welcome her back with open arms, she knew this. But she didn't want to. She didn't want to face Dean or Sam. She didn't want to have to explain to everyone where she had been, why she had taken off, and why she had done it all. She was going to go home, just as soon as she pawned off the issue and got out of the hospital.
A softy and sweet cry broke up the quite of the room and immediately pulled Cassandra out of her sleep, she leaned over and plucked the newborn from her bassinet, cradling her in her arms. When the newborn wouldn't quiet down Cassandra sighed and pulled her hospital gown down in the front and began to nurse the infant.
"Shhh, baby girl," she rubbed the little one's cheek lightly with her finger, "Your mommy and daddy will be here soon to get you."
The little girl opened her eyes and the brightest green eyes looked up at Cassandra, "I love you, Alexis." She kissed the baby's head. She swallowed hard, a big part of her wanted to call Dean and tell him everything, but she couldn't stand the thought of what he would say. Especially if he took the news badly.
Cassandra didn't believe that she could take care of this baby, so she had found an adoptive couple for her just as soon as she could. Cassandra had known she was pregnant, she found out about it the day Alexis had died. But when she saw Dean that broken she hid the news from him, not wanting to upset him further. Then when she'd had her little talk with Sam she'd known for sure that this wasn't what Dean needed right now.
When Cassandra first found out a tiny part of her got excited, she had these picture perfect visions playing in her mind, but it didn't take long for all of them to come crashing down. She felt stupid for thinking any of that could happen, she should have known that from the start. So she took off. Originally she was just going to terminate the pregnancy, but when she went into that cold doctor's office she turned on her heel and headed straight to an adoption center. She must have interviewed with a hundred adoptive couples before finding the perfect ones. What really sold her on them was their desire to name the baby Alexis.
So they came to pick up the little girl. The woman, he name was Ellen and her husband's name was William. They had been married for fifteen years and hadn't been able to make a baby of their own. They were stable, lived in the same house in a good school district for the last ten years. All they really wanted was to start a family of their own. Sure, they were a little older, but not too much. They were smart, educated people who really seemed to love each other. So she agreed.
When they came in the hospital room Cassandra was dressed and ready to go, as soon as they picked up Alexis she would be released and ready to go back to her life.
"Hello," she smiled warmly and walked over to hug her daughter's new parents, "So glad to see you."
"The pleasure is all ours." William smiled, "So happy we get to meet our little girl.
Cassandra walked over and picked Alexis up out of her bed, "Seven pound, eleven ounces, twenty-one inches long." She held the baby for what she felt in her heart would be the very last time.
Ellen smiled, "She's so beautiful," the woman's voice cracked, something that annoyed Cassandra just a little bit.
Cassandra just smiled and handed the little girl over, "Take good care of her, promise?"
Both of the parents nodded furiously. Then the lawyer came in and took Cassandra to sign off on the last bit of legal paperwork that needed to be signed. She read over the sheets, and in her brain she was screaming to grab the baby and run. To run home to Bobby and Dean and play house. She looked back at the woman holding her baby and almost did just that, but for some reason her hand started moving and she noticed her small signature being scrawled onto the paper and then her feet leading her out of the hospital.
It was a closed adoption. More than likely she would never see the little girl again. More than likely the little girl would never know that she was adopted. More than likely Dean Winchester would never know that he fathered a beautiful little girl that looked just like him.
Cassandra got to her car and began to sob violently. She thought she was weak because she was too scared to raise a baby on her own. She believed she was weak because she was too terrified to tell the man she loved that she had gotten pregnant with his baby, and subsequently given that baby away. She was ashamed and embarrassed. She didn't think she was doing the right thing by giving the baby to a stable and loving couple. In fact she firmly believed it was the wrong thing.
She knew that the best place for her baby was in her arms, surrounded by hunters who would risk their lives just to make sure that she wouldn't suffer one ounce of pain. But Cassandra was too afraid to admit to her family of all of this, so she did the wrong thing. And she knew she would regret it for the rest of her life, but she did it anyways.
