I know it's been forever, I'm sorry. A lot of things happened and I've been swamped. Please forgive me.

Olivia had showered until the water turned cold. It was becoming a habit of hers, and it was a habit that she didn't intend on breaking. This was the first official day post-rape and it was difficult.

Day one consisted of her mostly refusing to eat and showering two times too many.

Elliot didn't bring up the assault, not on day one. Neither did she.

"You want some eggs?" He'd tried after her second shower. It was in the late afternoon now. Night would fall soon.

"No…" She'd replied quietly. Olivia was back in bed after the shower. Her wet hair was wrapped in a towel so it didn't soak the pillow. She'd put on another one of Elliot's shirts but this time it was an old t-shirt.

It hadn't been lost on him, he'd recognized it instantly but chose not to comment on it. He didn't want her self-conscious about wearing his clothing, especially if it was comforting to her. It did however, make him wonder how many articles of clothing she'd stolen of his over the years.

Elliot had stayed at her apartment many times when they were partners. Sometimes it was because he had a fight with Kathy and he'd taken Olivia's couch. Other times, it was because they were working on a case, going over files or either he needed a decent few hours of sleep and her apartment was much closer than his house and her couch was comfier than the cribs at the one-six.

He'd gotten so comfortable with staying at her apartment over the years that he'd eventually left a bag of clothes there just in case. They never truly knew when a bad case would come up or if something was going to happen. He'd known then that if he lived closer, he'd do the same for her.

So, over their many years as partners, she'd had more than enough opportunities to steal his clothing. It made him wonder when she first had feelings for him and how long she'd been wearing his shirts. Did she wear them after tough cases when he wasn't there? Had she had feelings before him and kept them to herself because he was married? Probably. That seemed like the kind of woman she was. She would have never broken apart his marriage. She would have let herself suffer for years as long as it meant he and Kathy were happy and together with their kids. She would have never done anything to jeopardize his home life. He knew this for a fact because his home life was exactly the life she had dreamed of as a girl and as an adult.

Olivia would have given anything to have grown up in a loving household like that, and she'd also give anything to have a happy family like that as an adult. It's one of the things she craved in life. She'd revealed this to him when she'd found Simon and Elliot had followed her out of instinct. He hadn't been sure what she was doing at the time but he felt the need to protect her.

Elliot was curious which one of them had developed feelings first but there was no way to tell since they had waited so long to confirm it. Either way, that was a conversation for another day.

"I'm going to make you something. It's gonna be eggs, toast, or oatmeal. Something light for your stomach. You gotta eat, Liv…" He told her sternly as she laid in bed with the covers up to her waist.

"You pick one or I'm fixing you all three…" he told her, trying to give her a choice in the matter.

Olivia huffed and rolled her eyes. "Oatmeal…" she whispered as she removed the towel from her head, throwing it on the floor and rolled over onto her right side away from him, curling up.

"Okay, oatmeal it is." He told her lightly, then left her bed room, heading for the kitchen.

Olivia heard her phone vibrate on her side table and she rolled over to grab it before resuming her position. She'd been ignoring it all day. She didn't want to talk to anyone and her squad probably knew by now that Elliot was staying with her. If there was an emergency, they would call him, she was sure of it.

She only had one missed call and it was from Fin. She was avoiding him. Olivia had heard her phone vibrate earlier in the day, she'd seen it was Fin and had declined the call. There was no voice mail but a few texts.

"I'm worried about you."

"Please call me."

"I love you, baby girl."

They had all come from various times earlier in the day. She decided to send him a reply. She didn't want him to think she was giving him the cold shoulder.

"I love you too, Odafin." she typed and hit send. She knew he'd take it more to heart if she used his full name. She was in pain, physically and mentally. She didn't want to shut him out but this was hard for her. He'd been her rock through a lot of things. She didn't know if she could face him and tell him what Lewis had done.

There were no texts from Nick. He probably knew to leave her alone.

She was happy she hadn't received any calls or messages from Cragen or Munch. She was praying they hadn't heard what happened. Maybe they never would.

Her phone had originally vibrated moments ago because there was a text from Amanda.

"Just wanted to check on you." She read Amanda's text.

Olivia decided to reply to the blonde. There wasn't much tension there. The cat was already out of the bag.

"I'm alright. Thanks for checking." Olivia typed back.

"You sure?" came Amanda's instant reply.

"Yeah… Elliot's here with me. I'm fine." Olivia replied and sent. "Thanks for not telling Fin." She added quickly.

"Of course." Amanda replied and Olivia left it at that.

Olivia could hear Elliot doing things in the kitchen. It wouldn't take him long to make the oatmeal. She knew he'd be in soon.

She pulled the covers up over her head, leaning down and taking in the scent of Elliot's shirt that she was wearing. It was a bit big on her but that's how she liked it.

Pretty soon, she heard a light knock on her door.

"Liv, oatmeal's ready…" he called gently as she stuck her head out from under the covers.

She pulled herself up, careful of her thighs that were still sore. Sitting up, she took the bowl from him and he walked around the bed, sitting on what had become 'his side' of the bed for now.

"Have you talked to Fin any today?" she asked him as she put a spoon full of oatmeal in her mouth.

"Yeah, he called." Elliot replied.

She turned her head to the right after she swallowed. "What did he say?"

"He's worried about you, you know that. He knows something happened to you…" Elliot told her lightly.

She didn't reply and just nodded her head.

Olivia ate at least half of the oatmeal then she was done. She put the bowl on her night stand and grabbed the bottle of water that had been sitting there. She hadn't had any vodka today. That didn't mean she didn't want it though but she was listening to Elliot, taking it day by day.

"How you feeling?" Elliot asked, looking to her.

She swallowed hard, cutting her eyes to him.

"Empty…" she whispered in truth. She did feel empty. Olivia felt like William Lewis took everything from her. He took her power, her dignity, her sex life, everything. She was lost.

Elliot nodded in understanding, accepting her answer.

"You haven't had any flashbacks?" he asked with concern, hoping she hadn't had one while he was in another room at some point that day.

"No… not yet." She knew they were coming though, they both knew it.

He gave her a thin smile instead of replying to her.

Olivia reached down and absent mindedly scratched an itch that she had on her hip. Then she picked her phone back up and started looking through it. She was surfing the web looking for information that had been put out about her and Lewis. It wouldn't hurt to know what everyone was saying.

"Liv… you're bleeding…" Elliot told her, pointing to her hip that she had scratched moments before.

"Oh, fuck…" Olivia whispered. She must have scratched one of the claw marks that Lewis had left.

Throwing her phone on the bed beside her, she reached over to grab the napkin that Elliot had brought in with her oatmeal and opened her sweat pants, sticking the napkin inside. Olivia knew she'd need to take the pants off and put them in the wash if she didn't want them to stain.

"Did you really just scratch yourself so hard that you made yourself bleed without paying attention?" Elliot asked cautiously. His face was full of worry.

Olivia took a deep breath and closed her eyes tightly.

"I'll show you if you promise not to punch one of my walls…" She told him as she opened her eyes back up. Olivia knew him all too well. She knew his temper and his limits. She knew how he was with her.

Hearing her say this only made Elliot worry more.

"Show me…" he practically begged her.

Olivia stood up slowly, getting off the bed and into a standing position.

She took another deep breath as made sure her underwear that she had decided to put on was pulled up. Then she pulled down her sweat pants slightly, exposing her hip. It was very obvious that the bruise was in the shape of a handprint, a hand that had held onto her tightly from behind. There were four fingernail impressions with dried blood. She'd washed most of the blood off in the shower but because she would stay in the shower for so long, the heat and hot water would open the wounds back up. Then there was the one fingernail imprint that was currently bloody.

Olivia looked to Elliot, trying to gage his reaction.

"Jesus, fuck…" he whispered as he got up from the opposite side of the bed.

His face was beginning to turn a tint of pink and Olivia noticed.

"Don't you dare put a hole in one of my walls, Elliot…" she warned him but he had begun walking towards her until he finally stood in front of her.

He was looking down at her hip, assessing the damage.

"Elliot?" She whispered to him. She was worried now. Olivia had expected an outburst of rage.

"It's like this on the other hip too?" he asked, still not looking up at her.

"Yeah…" she replied.

He let out a ragged breath, putting his hand out to touch her hip, but drawing it back before he made actual contact with her skin. He knew better than to touch a rape victim in intimate areas without warning.

"El…" she called to him but he stayed still. "I need you to look at me…"

Finally, he gazed up at her and she saw tears in his eyes.

"Oh, God…" She whispered. She wasn't prepared for this. Olivia hadn't seen him cry in a very long time and now he was on the verge of openly crying in front of her.

"I… Can I hug you? I need to hug you…" He whispered in his saddened, shocked state.

"Yeah, yeah… Come here…" She answered strongly as she automatically went in for a hug.

Olivia wrapped him up in her arms. He held onto her tight, like he might lose her. Mostly because he still could lose her, she hadn't come out of the other side of her attack yet. They were still in the gray area as far as her recovery went.

Olivia rubbed his back in comfort. She must have her hooks in him pretty deep for him to get emotional like this because this was not the Elliot Stabler that she knew. They had seen tough cases before, cases involving children that had been raped and murdered and he still hadn't shed a tear. He'd gone home to see his kids and fuck Kathy, but he never cried to her knowledge. She had been the one who was sent home because she'd lost it at the scene.

Seeing him so sad and emotional made her eyes water too. It hurt her that he was hurting. And she was the reason for his current pain.

He rested his chin on top of her shoulder, still not willing to let her go just yet.

Olivia wanted to tell him she was fine. She wanted to promise him that she had survived and she would be okay, that they would be okay. But when she opened her mouth to tell him these things, nothing came out. She didn't actually believe she would be okay and her body wasn't going to let her lie to him.

So instead, she rested her forehead on his shoulder and they stood there holding each other for what seemed like forever but was probably only a few minutes.

When they pulled back, she saw that he had been able to keep his tears at bay, just as she had.

"I'm supposed to be the one who's upset and emotional… not you…" she joked.

He cleared his throat and looked at her.

"Yeah well… turns out I'm not always as strong as I look…" he said, giving her a sad smile.

"That's alright, you're human. A lot of shit happened to me…" Olivia told him, giving him a reassuring smile.

"What else happened to you, Liv?" He asked gingerly, looking into her eyes.

Olivia shook her head. "Not now… I can't right now…" she told him. "I'm not ready…" she explained, giving him an apologetic look.

"That's okay. This was a big step. This is why your hips have been sore… why you've been walking slowly…" He put the pieces of the puzzle together.

"You thought I was having trouble getting around because of?" She asked him questioningly.

Elliot shrugged. "We've seen plenty of women who needed stitches, who'd been… torn and in pain…" he almost winced when the words came out of his mouth. He was aware he was talking about Olivia.

"No…" She whispered, glancing around the room. "I would have clarified sooner if I knew that's what you've been thinking…" she said running a hand through her hair, her voice getting stronger again. "I'm not injured down… there." She responded, biting her lower lip while trying to figure out how to talk to him about this. Elliot was looking at her with intent. Listening to her every word.

"I'm sore… my muscles there are sore but there was no tearing, no bleeding…" she stated, trying to make it as least awkward for both of them as possible.

"I just… I wasn't sure… You declined the rape kit so I know no one checked you out in that sense… I'm just… I'm scared, Olivia." He confessed, running his hand over the back of his head and sitting down on the bed. Olivia sat down on his left, joining him.

"What are you afraid of?" She asked him.

He looked hesitant.

"Right now, I'm in a decent place." She told him. "I'm okay in this moment but we both know how this goes. Five minutes from now I could be crying and screaming on the bathroom floor… it's all touch and go." It was true. They knew better than anyone how mood swings were with victims, especially when PTSD set in. "Talk to me now… Tell me what's going on in your head while I'm able to hear it and understand it…" she asked him.

"You can come back from this, Liv. I know you can." He told her and he turned his head to his left, making eye contact with her. "But you gotta tackle this the right way. Healing begins when someone bears witness, you know that…" he was using his victim voice on her, she'd know it anywhere.

"You gotta tell people, you gotta talk to your shrink…" he told her.

"You're scared for me, I get it and I appreciate it but I've told people and I will tell Fin in time. I'll go back to therapy. I just… I need to do it at my pace or it's not going to work well…" she promised him.

Elliot reached over and grabbed her hand.

"I'll always be here to catch you when you fall." He stated more seriously. Olivia could tell instantly she didn't like where this was going. She hated talking about 'them'. Too much was happening for there to even be a 'them' and now she felt he deserved better, better than what she'd become.

"Don't go there…" she warned him with cautious eyes. "Don't do that…"

"Do what?" He asked, with a small smirk. He knew damn well what he was doing.

"Me being… attacked…" she left out the word 'raped' on purpose, "may scare you, but you know the thought of 'us' scares me… I can't go there right now."

"I know…" he promised her, squeezing her hand.

"I'm here as a friend right now, but I want you to know that as your friend, and as whatever else I may become to you in the future… I'll be here. I'm a constant in your life, I need you to know that. You've got back up, I've got your six…"

Olivia let out a breath and looked at the carpet beneath her feet. He was saying a lot of things to her, things that reflected stuff you'd say if you were in a relationship.

She nodded her head, accepting his statement but declined to speak.

Elliot sensed that she didn't want to talk about them anymore.

"Come on," he gestured at her to stand up with him. "We need to put some Neosporin and band aids on those marks… you're getting blood on my shirt…" he joked with her.

"You mean my shirt." She replied instantly.

"It's only yours because you stole it, Benson." He stated while rolling his eyes, walking into her bathroom to search for the items they needed. She smiled as she followed him.

Olivia knew she'd have bad days, dark days where she'd hate the world and she'd probably want to crawl under a rock and die but in this particular moment in time, she was so fucking happy to have Elliot Stabler by her side.

Thoughts?

Suggestions for future chapters are welcome.