A/N: Hi guys! ^^ It took a little longer to finish this chapter than I had originally planned, but no matter.. it's here now! I want to thank each and every one of you for your amazing reviews, even the impatient ones reminding me to upload the next chapter ASAP. They never fail to make my day. It shows me how much you all love this story and I couldn't ask for more. I hope this chapter lives up to all your expectations. I really, really tried! So, enjoy and I'll see you all on the other side! ^^

Disclaimer: SM owns everything.

POV'S: Edward, Bella, Alice, Carlisle, Jasper.


Edward's POV.

Dark greens and muddy browns flashed past me at the speed of light as I ran through the ancient forest and compelled my legs to move faster, but it seemed that they had reached their limit.

I was still miles away from the place I needed to be. I couldn't afford to be late. I felt my throat close in panic when I thought about the consequences of not being there on time.

Alice – who always kept a scrupulous watch on Bella, especially when we went hunting – had managed to lose sight of her, because she had been too busy gossiping with Kate and Tanya! What was the point in having an omniscient sister if she couldn't even make a conscious effort to keep Bella safe? How utterly useless she was!

A part of me knew that I wouldn't make it, but I pushed those thoughts away, refusing to even think about what that would mean.

What had gotten into her? What on earth would possess her to do something so foolish and irresponsible? Did she not understand the meaning of privacy? Had history taught her nothing? She should know better by now.

I had told her time and time again that we always have a good reason for keeping the truth from her. That we didn't tell certain stories for her own good. Because she was still too young. We've all told her that multiple times.

And where in the name of the lord were Carlisle and Jasper? Why weren't they doing what they were supposed to be doing; keeping an eye on her! That was the whole point of them staying behind!

I heard a loud crack behind me that sounded like a tree breaking in half, but I didn't even turn around to check the path of destruction that I had probably left behind. I didn't care either. The only thing I cared about was getting home as fast as I could.

After what seemed like an eternity I reached the town border, but instead of entering it I veered off to the left and ran around the entire town. The sun had already set and the town lights glowed in the dark, but most people were still awake, so I couldn't risk being seen, despite the urgency of my situation. Our home was on the town's border anyway and not exactly in town. I ran up the steep incline that showed a trail that would lead you into the mountains, but when I was halfway I took a right turn and entered the cobblestone street that led to our estate.

I had always been grateful for the privacy our relatively secluded homes offered, but not tonight. Tonight it meant a longer journey and I couldn't afford it. Had this twisted, small path always been that long? I had never noticed before.

Finally, finally, the house came into view. I didn't even bother to use the backdoor and instead jumped onto the first landing. It wasn't that cold anymore, so I had left my bedroom window slightly open to allow in some fresh air. Before I allowed myself to look inside I prayed silently and quickly to whatever god was listening that I wasn't too late, but when I shoved the large window further open and looked inside that brief hope immediately turned around and flew back out the window.

There she was, right in the middle of my room, sitting on the floor, surrounded by some of my oldest and most tattered journals. Her head down and her small shoulders were trembling. I could hear the frantic pacing of her heart and her breath seemed to stop and then come out stuttered and erratic.

I stood there, frozen in horror for a fraction of a second, but then she dropped the journal abruptly and I heard a small intake of terrified breath. That small sound unfroze me and I blurted out the only thing I could think of saying.

'' Bella, what have you done!? ''

I could see the trembles that shot up her spine and resulted in a small shake of her head, but she didn't respond or turn around. She didn't do anything. She just sat there, seemingly frozen in terrified silence. My left hand was still resting on the window frame and I heard the ancient wood strain under my fingertips. I tried to control my panic and anger, but I felt myself slipping further and further away until I heard the wood snap and splinter into the thousand little pieces under my hand.

Bella let out a soft yelp like a wounded animal when the wood shattered with a loud crushing noise and I growled under my breath.

Slowly, as if in slow-motion, she turned her head around until her horrified and tear-filled eyes met mine. I had no idea what my face looked like at the moment, but I got a gist of it when I measured hers. She looked absolutely terrified of me.

'' Edward, '' she stammered in a soft whisper and my legs moved forward of their own accord, but I halted the next step when my brain caught up with my body. I didn't want to get closer to her, because I was afraid what I would do if I could get my hands on her now. Every cell in my body seemed to swell with rage and it took all of my effort to hold on to my sanity.

Bella's eyes were wide with fear and I could hear her frantic heart and erratic breathing, but I wasn't fully aware of it. The anger was all-consuming.

'' What have you done! '' I growled, barely able to see past my anger. Bella, who was still sitting on my bedroom floor, backed away from me and fresh tears rolled down her cheeks that seemed unusually pale in the dim light of my dark bedroom. She opened her mouth, but no sound came out. She just sat there, struggling to form a coherent word without success. That horrible monster inside me that was usually safely locked away banged against the metal bars of the cage that held him, threatening to break free.

'' DO YOU REALIZE WHAT YOU'VE DONE!? '' I thundered and Bella let out a small scream and backed away even further.

'' I-I'm s-s-sorry, '' she stuttered softly and gasped loudly when I took another step forward into the room. I had never been so angry with her before. She needed to get away from me before I would do something that I would regret forever.

'' GET OUT! '' I roared. '' GET OUT! ''

It was the only thing I could shout at her, hoping that she would listen for once. I didn't want her to be around me when my anger finally broke free. It was only a matter of seconds. It took everything I had to hold it in. To hold off the monster that was raging inside its cage, throwing its full weight against the metal bars that kept him locked in. It was seconds away of breaking free and tearing everything in its path to shreds, including Bella.

She stumbled and grabbed onto the door post to support herself. Her legs were shaking uncontrollably, but she managed to stay upright as she stumbled out of my room without looking back. I could hear her heart and stuttered breaths as she clumsily ran down the hall, away from me, and locked herself in her room.

My bedroom door creaked when I grabbed onto it and I felt the dark wood splinter under my steel hands. I tore it off its hinges with an almighty roar and threw it across the room. It hit the opposite wall with an enormous bang and splintered to pieces. I grabbed my desk and flipped it over, but before I could do anything else someone disrupted my beastly rage.

'' What the hell do you think you're doing? '' Jasper's voice came from the hallway and I turned around with a loud growl. He stood in the doorway that no longer held my door to keep unwanted guests out.

I marched toward him, ready to tear his head off and Jasper took a defensive pose.

'' Get a grip, Edward! '' he growled softly and I could feel that he was trying to calm me down with his artificial nonsense. But I could shake the effects off without even blinking. It was as if he was trying to cut down a thick tree with a blunt kitchen knife. It was laughable.

Jasper seemed to realize that his stupid tricks weren't going to work on me and he growled back at me.

'' What do you think you're doing! Get a hold of yourself! ''

'' You don't talk! '' I growled back, marching toward him without blinking, unfazed by anything he could throw my way. He may have been a skilled fighter, but I could anticipate his every move and he knew it. '' This is all your fault! ''

'' What are you talking about? ''

'' YOUR FAULT! '' I thundered, ready to pounce, but he managed to block my attack.

'' What the hell did I do? '' Jasper asked, confused and angry. I could hear the focus in his mind. He was trying to anticipate my moves and trying to work out the meaning behind my words at the same time.

I didn't even answer him or give him the time to work it all out. In a flash of a second I grabbed his arm and threw him across the room. He landed against the opposite wall with a loud bang, but landed on his feet all the same. He snarled and hissed at me and was about to strike back, but before his blow could land I turned to the side and closed my hand around his throat. I pushed him up against the wall with a loud snarl as he tried to kick me away.

'' WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE?! '' Carlisle's voice thundered and reverberated around the room and I was momentarily distracted. Jasper used my distraction to kick me away and I flew against the wall. The wall cracked under the pressure, but I was too angry to care.

Before we could resume our fight however, Carlisle stepped in between, effectively blocking Jasper from view.

'' Back off, Edward! '' Carlisle demanded, pushing me back with his hand. I snarled at him and Carlisle's eyes widened in anger.

'' What do you think you're doing? '' He said, anger lacing his every word. '' And with Bella in the house no less! ''

'' Don't talk to me about her! '' I managed to growl and I directed my anger by throwing my fist against my bedroom wall. It went straight through it. With my hand still stuck in the now broken wall I pushed to the left, leaving a trail of debris behind.

'' Calm the hell down, Edward! '' Jasper snarled at me and I focused on him again.

'' Don't talk to me, traitor! ''

'' TRAITOR? '' Jasper bellowed, ready to throw me another punch, but Carlisle held him back.

'' Don't, '' he warned before he turned his attention back to me.

'' Edward, calm down and explain what's going on, '' he said, trying to sound calm, but I could hear the anger in his voice. I merely growled and aimed another kick at my demolished bedroom wall.

'' Where's Bella, Edward? '' Jasper asked and I snarled and turned away from them.

'' What did you do to her? '' He continued, the alarm and anger clear in his voice. '' Did you hurt her? I swear to god, if you - ''

But he stopped abruptly and I could see that his eyes focused on the tattered journals that still lay on the bedroom floor. I heard something click inside him. He understood what had happened. I was still too angry to even begin to explain what I had just walked in on. And all because of them, no less!

'' You had one job, '' I growled, my back still turned to the both of them. '' ONE JOB! Keep an eye on Bella while we went hunting! ONE JOB! ''

'' Do you honestly think that I knew about this? '' Jasper said, the outrage clear in his voice. '' To my knowledge she was downstairs! ''

'' She was, '' Carlisle agreed with Jasper. '' She was just there. I saw her. She was watching television with Peach. ''

'' There's no excuse! '' I snapped. I took a few deep breaths to calm myself down, but it had little effect. '' Just get out both of you. ''

'' Edward, we - '' Carlisle started to say, but I interrupted him. I was in no mood for chitchat at the moment. They just needed to get the hell away from me before I could tear their throats out.

'' GET OUT! '' I thundered with a snarl and I leveled them with a wild look. Carlisle sighed and turned to Jasper with a defeated nod.

'' Come on, '' he said softly and he walked out of the room with one last look at me.

Jasper however didn't move and I hissed at him. He merely raised an eyebrow.

'' Get out, Jasper, before I kill you, '' I growled, but he didn't leave. Another furious snarl left my lips, but he seemed unfazed by my anger. Carlisle was waiting for him in the hallway and I could hear him call for Jasper, but he still didn't leave.

'' Calm the hell down, Edward, '' he said. '' Bella's in her room down the hall and she's scared. I can feel her emotions from here. Calm down and talk to her. ''

'' I don't want anything to do with her right now! '' I shouted back, the sound of her name causing the anger to boil over. '' Leave me alone! ''

Jasper didn't leave and I once again prepared myself for attack. '' GET OUT! '' I thundered, aiming a punch at him, but he grabbed my arm, twisted it backward and floored me. I swung my leg to right and kicked his legs, causing him to fall down next to me. The crashes shook the house and Carlisle once again entered the doorway, furious at the both of us.

'' Stop it! '' He demanded. '' Both of you! Jasper, get out now! Edward, calm down! ''

We growled at each other, but now that I was lying on the floor I didn't feel like getting up again.

'' Jasper, out! '' Carlisle said, his voice stern. His endless patience had run out and Jasper got up with a huff and left without another word. Carlisle followed him and I was finally alone.

I stared at my own monstrous reflection in the mirrors that hung on my ceiling and once again cursed Alice for putting them there. It was a sobering sight. I didn't want to be that person and the effects of losing control were evident on my face. My eyes were wide and furious. I could see that the fragments of the monster that I really was, but kept buried had surfaced. I could see the strain on my face; a leftover from all the growling and snarling. My hands were still clutched into fists from my anger. My whole body seemed rigid and deadly from this angle. The breath that left me was a soft growl and I closed my eyes in order to block out the reflection I hated more than anything in the world. My own. Or at least, a monstrous version of it.

I tried to relax my hands that lay beside me and when I did I felt one of my old journals under my frozen fingertips.

I lay there for what might have been an eternity, trying to lock away the monster inside me. Forcing myself to calm down with each tainted breath I took. At some point the anger turned into panic and despair.

I hadn't opened those journals since I had written them and I couldn't bring myself to do it now. I knew that I had to open them eventually, but I was dreading it. I had to know what Bella had seen.

I had to relive the worst moments of my abominable afterlife to find out how much damage had been done. A small part of my overly active brain tried to delude me into thinking that it might not be so bad. I wanted to cling onto that hope like a lifeline, but I knew the pain would be that much worse when I realized the truth. A truth I already knew, but was afraid to face.

I took a deep breath and closed my icy fingers around the book she had dropped on the floor the moment she had realized my presence. I willed myself to sit upright and threw it open on a random page.


Bella's POV.

I closed my bedroom door and tried to lock it with trembling hands. When I finally heard the lock click I let out a stuttered and dazed breath and sank to the floor. Every part of my body was trembling with pure unadulterated fear. I felt it settle into my bones, shaking me from inside out. I had never felt this kind of fear before. I couldn't think past it. It immobilized and shackled me. It was as if fear had taken the form of ruthless thorny vines that constricted around my lungs and throat, wrapped themselves around my shaking, exhausted limbs and tried to crush and pull me apart at the same time.

For some bizarre reason I was suddenly reminded of a forgotten history lesson from almost a year ago when the teacher had told us all about ancient torturing methods. How people were hanged, drawn and quartered in the middle ages if they had done something really bad. It felt like those constricting vines were trying to do exactly that to my body. But try as I might, I had no courage left in me to fight it.

The thorny vine that seemed to slowly close around my throat felt like a sadistic noose, robbing me of air and eventually sight. I could hardly see past the haze that was clouding my brain.

The sharp pains in my chest and stomach felt like I was being ripped open by a blunt, rusty knife. Every word that Edward had written in those damned journals flashed before my inner eye, somehow making its way through the cloudy haze as if they were written in neon colors and tore me open word for word. Surely, if I were able to look past the haze and down to my bedroom floor my intestines would be crawling there, silently screaming in agony.

But even if I could have looked past that haze I would be unable to look down. I was tied in place, shackled vines had wrapped themselves around every trembling limb and I was seconds away from being pulled apart by an unknown force. Quartered just like those criminals had been so long ago.

It seemed a fitting end for me considering I had committed a crime I simply couldn't atone for in any other way. I couldn't erase the words Edward had scribbled in his long forgotten journal all those years ago. I couldn't erase the fact that they were now edged in my mind, burning as if someone had thrown salt in those fresh wounds.

The burning seemed to spread through my aching and trembling body, as if someone had injected me with acid. It burned away my veins and seemed to fry my brain.

Somehow I could see far enough past the haze to realize that the burning sensation wasn't caused by fear. It was guilt and it was slowly eating away at me.

I felt guilty because I had broken Edward's trust and done something he feared more than anything else in the entire universe. And I could finally see why, because most of all I felt guilty because my curiosity had become my downfall.

The poisonous words that were written in those journals had spilled out and entered my brain and there was no way to scoop them out and put them back in there. For some reason I saw myself squeezing all the toothpaste out of a small tube and trying to stuff it all back in. Without success of course. It was out there forever, unable to return to the safe confinements of the plastic tube. It just spread out, trying to find another safe haven, unable to find one and I could only stare at it and feel sorry. That's what it felt like.

Edward's words were the squeezed out toothpaste and the journals were that innocent looking plastic tube. They had spilled out and I couldn't put them back in; I could only stare at them and feel sorry that I had ever forced them out of their safe haven. Things were locked for a reason and when you unlocked them there were consequences.

I felt those consequences now more than ever. They burned me alive and tore me apart on the spot. At this point I was convinced that only a smoldering mass of torn limbs remained on the place were I had sunk to the floor. I couldn't feel anything else, only pain. But when someone grabbed and shook me violently I suddenly realized that my shoulders were still attached to my body.

'' Bella, snap out of it! ''

I couldn't identify the voice at first, but all the shaking seemed to scare the fog away and it was replaced by Jasper's large, anxious eyes.

'' J-Jazz, '' I choked, surprised that my voice was still intact. He let out a sigh and his tight grip on my shoulders loosened just a little bit.

'' Bella, '' he breathed and he closed his eyes. He sounded relieved.

He picked me up without so much as another word and carried me out of my room. I had no idea where he was taking me. Perhaps he was leading me to my execution. For the first time in my life death didn't sound like such a bad thing. It sounded peaceful and painless. Easy compared to the suffering I was still enduring.

But his interruption had caused the vines to loosen up a little bit and the burning acid in my veins seemed to mix with some fresh blood. As if the vines had cut off my blood flow and their loosened state allowed some of it to course through my body again.

Jasper was talking to me in low, stressed sort of voice, but I couldn't make out the words.

He must have opened a door, because we were suddenly in Carlisle's office and he sat me down on the large leather sofa. Carlisle's voice formed a duet with Jazz's now, but their words were lost at sea. Swept away by the howling wind that surged through my head.

I was drifting; the lone survivor of a terrible shipwreck, unable to cope with the truth that I was still breathing air.

Someone shone a brilliant light in the darkness and the flash pierced through my eyes and stung at the back of my skull.

I pictured a man in a navy suit standing up in a small lifeboat, waving his hand high above his head and calling out to any survivors, hoping he would find one. He grabbed onto his hat when the wind tried to steal it away and squinted through the darkness, looking for me.

'' Ahoy! '' that's what he would say, just like a sailor ought to.

I should raise my hand, make some sort of noise to catch his attention. I felt like Rose in Titanic. Freezing to death on a ripped off door, holding on to the only person she truly cared about in this miserable world. Refusing to let him go, because that would mean that she had to live on without him.

It was far easier to just die and sink to the bottom of the ocean together. Fall away in darkness, in death. Death was eternal and unchanging after all. Those who died, remained so for all eternity. Together for all eternity where nothing could tarnish their love. No lies, no ghosts of the past, not life itself. Just drift along in peaceful oblivion together.

But she had to let her love go and the last thing she ever saw was how he slipped through her fingers and was swallowed whole by darkness. And there was nothing she could do to stop it, because he was beyond her reach now. She could only drift on without him. Live on with nothing but a hole in her chest where her love used to be...

Someone shook me and I fell into the ice cold sea, gasping for air. It felt as if Emmett had stood by, ready to prank me and thrown a bucket full of ice water right on top of my head. I shivered all over, my teeth were rattling. Swim or drown... swim or drown... swim or drown!

'' Bella! ''

I gasped and gasped for air, my arms flailing in every direction, unwilling to drown. I couldn't drown here! I was still alive and I needed to live.

'' Carlisle, she's freezing, '' I heard Jasper say from somewhere far away. Of course I was freezing! I was about to drown in icy, dark water! Why weren't they pulling me out, damn it!

I felt something warm envelop me, like a warm blanket.

'' Bella, can you hear me? ''

Daddy!

'' Daddy, '' I choked, looking around to see if I could find him. But he was right in front of me. It seemed that he had been there all along. I looked around, shocked and confused.

'' It's all right, sweetheart, '' he said, rubbing the tops of my arms. The friction caused a burning sensation in my upper arms, but I welcomed it. I had been burned alive, pulled apart and nearly frozen to death all at once. How was that even possible? What the hell had happened?

Jasper pushed something hot into my hands and I looked down to see a cup of hot cocoa. The steam moved upwards and made my face clammy.

'' Carlisle, why did she turn cold? '' Jasper asked as I stared at the muddy brown liquid that swirled around in my cup.

'' She was in shock, '' Carlisle answered, but I didn't have the energy to focus on his words. I felt exhausted and dazed.


Alice's POV.

I was left alone in the middle of a clearing when Edward shot through the forest like a metal bullet, anxious to get home as fast as he could.

I hadn't been paying attention and this was the result. This was all my fault. I gritted my teeth and kicked hard against a nearby tree. It snapped in half when the sole of my shoe collided with it. A part of me wanted to run after him, either to help him or hold him back. I wasn't sure at the moment. He would never make it.

'' Alice, you suddenly ran off, '' Kate said, appearing next to me without so much as a warning. '' Where did you go? ''

I was still busy cursing myself into the fiery pits of hell when the others reached the clearing.

'' Is everything alright? '' Esme asked, concern clear in her maternal voice. '' Where's Edward? ''

'' He went home, '' was all I could say.

'' Damn him! '' Emmett cursed and he stamped his foot on the ground like a petulant child. '' He was supposed to go bear hunting with me and then he bails on me the first chance he gets. We really need to have an intervention or something like that. I know he and Bella - ''

'' Shut up, moron! '' Rose hissed at him and Emmett fell silent with a petulant growl.

'' I had a vision, '' I said before anyone else could start a fit.

'' So? '' Emmett mumbled under his breath, clearly still stung that Edward had ''bailed'' on him. '' Happens all the time. ''

'' About Bella, you overgrown toddler! '' I snapped at him, too stressed out to be my usual optimistic self.

'' What about Bella? '' Rose said, panic lacing her voice. '' Did something happen to her? Did she fall down again? Is she hurt? Is she - '' Her words came out so fast that I had to focus to keep up with her. I shook my head.

'' No, she's not hurt, '' I said, chewing on my lip. '' Well, not physically at least, '' I amended.

'' What?! What do you mean not physically? What happened to her? '' Rose's panic reached a new level and I sighed in defeat. This wasn't going to be pretty.

'' And why did you tell Edward? '' Rose ranted on. '' She's MY daughter! If she's hurt you should come to me! I don't care how much he cares about - ''

'' Because it doesn't have anything to do with you, '' I interrupted her and she fell silent.

'' What do you mean, Alice? '' Esme asked, calmer than she felt.

'' I had a vision about Bella, '' I started again and Emmett rolled his eyes, impatient as always. '' I saw her in Edward's room. At first I didn't think too much of it. After all, she's in there all the time. But it seemed she was looking for something. Then I saw her sitting on the floor, surrounded by his old journals. She was reading them and - ''

'' WHAT!? '' Rosalie thundered, beside herself with rage. I had anticipated that and shot her a warning look, but she didn't seem to notice.

'' You mean to say that that imbecile left his journals lying around?! '' she raged, kicking away a few fallen branches with too much force. They shattered against some of the more sturdier looking trees. '' His idiocy never fails to amaze and irritate me! His moronic behavior will be the death of her! This will traumatize her for life! How could he be so stupid! That filthy, moronic, idiotic, stupid imbecile! I'LL KILL HIM! ''

She was working herself into a full rage and Emmett raced toward her and tried to calm her down, but she pushed him away.

'' Don't tell me to calm down! I'm going to kill him! ''

She started collecting wood, swirling around us like a demonic fairy.

'' I'll burn him alive! '' she growled, furious. '' I'll tear him apart, tie his disgusting detached limbs to a nice piece of wood and then I'll light a match and watch with glee how his treacherous and moronic remains burn to a satisfying crisp. ''

I had to hand it to her. Rose in revenge mode was a force to be reckoned with. I wouldn't like to be on the receiving end. I felt compelled to come to Edward's defense. This wasn't his fault after all. At least, not entirely.

'' Rose, those journals were locked away, '' I reasoned with her. '' It's not his fault. Bella somehow found the key. It was well hidden. Think about it, she's been in there a million times before and she never found it. ''

'' Who cares about that! '' she growled at me, her eyes shot fire that burned so bright it could burn through armored steel. '' She has found it now, so clearly he didn't hide it well enough! I'll burn those satanic journals of his too! Along with him, so they can keep each other company in hell! ''

'' Rose, that's enough, '' Esme said, her voice stern and a little colder than it usually was.

'' I understand your anger, but Alice is right. This isn't Edward's fault. And even if it was, we have more pressing issues. '' She sighed and looked down at the muddy ground. '' Why would she do something like that? It's so unlike her. ''

'' Is it? '' Emmett interjected. '' She's a curious little thing. She's always trying to find new ways to trick us into telling the truths we don't want to share with her. She even blackmailed me once! '' His eyes were wide and innocent and I scoffed at him.

'' Yeah, I wonder where she learned how to do that, '' I muttered sarcastically and he gave me a sheepish grin.

'' Still, '' Esme said, evidently deep in thought. '' She should know better. ''

'' I don't give a rat's ass about any of this! '' Rose growled, her arms still full of fallen branches. '' This is clearly all Edward's fault. It always is! He must have done something! ''

She looked at me now and I suddenly felt awkward.

'' Why are you looking at me like that? '' I said, my tone defensive and cross.

'' Because you always know everything about everyone, '' she clarified with a roll of her eyes. '' Even if you don't tell us. You always know. What did he do? ''

'' Nothing! '' The words were out of my mouth before I could stop myself and Rose narrowed her eyes at me. I had answered to quickly and vehemently. Damn it. She knew something was up.

And she right of course. Edward had done something. I knew about it, but I had decided to ignore it. I had thought it a good decision at the time. I guess I had been wrong.

'' Liar! '' Rose raged and she threw the collected branches on the ground and pointed her finger at me. '' Tell the truth, Alice! What happened? ''

I gritted my teeth and cursed myself for the second time today. '' Fine, '' I growled at her, defeated. '' Bella has been writing letters to her friends in London ever since we moved here. ''

'' Yeah, I know that, '' Rose said, crossing her arms over her chest. '' What about them? ''

'' Well, after a few weeks she stopped sending them and instead locked them away in one of her desk drawers. You know, sort of like a journal. Edward didn't mean to, but he found them a few days ago and he was stupid enough to buy her a journal instead. He didn't leave a name or anything, but I guess Bella has figured out that Edward bought her that journal. ''

'' Well, duh! '' Rose said, angry and exasperated. '' He's the only one who would do something like that. He's the only one who would invade her privacy like that! ''

I arched an eyebrow at her and she growled at me.

'' Don't lift your eyebrow at me like that, '' she said. '' Yes, I have my motherly concerns. And yes, I may go a little too far every now and then, but I would never do something like that. That's just plain stupid. If I wanted to know something she wouldn't tell me, I would find a better way to uncover the truth. And that's beside the point right now. Edward has been a complete and utter idiot! Not that I had expected anything less from him. It's in his DNA after all! He can't help it! He was born stupid! ''

'' Rose! '' Esme warned, but Rose merely huffed and moved to pick up the fallen branches. She clearly hadn't given up on her plan to burn Edward to ashes.

'' Look, '' I said, exasperated and stressed out. '' Yes, Edward made a mistake, but he didn't mean any harm. ''

'' Did he read those letters? '' Rose growled, still busy collecting the branches. '' Of course he did! '' she said, without waiting for my answer. '' He probably couldn't help himself. Bella's unedited thoughts laid bare before him! He invaded her privacy and now Bella has to pay the price! TWICE! '' She grabbed the last branch with a furious snarl.

'' She's not the only one who pays the price, '' I reasoned. '' So does Edward. We will all pay the price. ''

'' What do you mean by that? '' Esme asked and I turned to her with a sigh.

'' She found his old journals, '' I clarified. '' They're from the time he left you and Carlisle and went off on his own. We all know what happened during those years. '' Esme gasped and put her hand to her mouth. '' If Bella reads those journals she'll know what he was like back then. She won't understand. It'll scare her to death. ''

'' Only one person will die for this! '' Rose snarled and she started marching off with purpose. Emmett held her back without saying so much as a word.

'' Let go of me, Emmett! '' Rose growled at him, but he shook his head and leveled her with a stern look.

'' No, '' he said. '' This isn't the way. I know you're angry and you have every right to be, but I won't let you kill our brother. '' Rose growled at him, but didn't try to move past him.

'' Edward's probably home by now, '' I said, trying to reason with Rose. '' He ran off as soon as I told him. I don't think he'll make it in time, but maybe he'll get there before she reads too much. And Carlisle and Jasper are also there. ''

'' Yes, what have they been doing exactly? '' Rose fumed and she turned around to glare at me. '' They were supposed to watch her and they clearly didn't! ''

'' I don't know, '' I said, frustrated by this fact. I had no idea what Carlisle and Jasper had been doing. I hadn't been paying attention! My mind was filled with holes and that rarely happened. I should have seen this coming.

'' Oh, you don't know? '' Rose said, sarcasm coloring her tone. '' Well, there's a first. You always look out for everything! You pride yourself in being a know-it-all. You're even worse than Edward. And today of all days you decide to slack off! ''

She glared at me and I couldn't even blame her. She didn't need to tell me all those things, because I had already berated myself a million times.

'' I'm sure everything will work out, '' Kate said, speaking for the first time since this conversation had started. Rose growled at her, but Kate ignored it. Instead she turned to me.

'' I'm sorry, Alice, '' she said and I frowned at her. '' I distracted you. I asked you to keep an eye on Laurent for me. ''

I shook my head and held my hand up to stop her.

'' It's not your fault, Kate, '' I said. '' It's mine. I slipped up. '' I frowned and mentally slapped myself. '' I've been careless. I can look out for several things at once, but I've been too absorbed. I should've known better. ''

'' Hang on, '' Tanya said, frowning at Kate. '' What do you mean, you asked Alice to keep an eye on Laurent? ''

Kate shot her a guilty look.

'' I'm sorry, '' she mumbled. '' There's something off about him, but I can't put my finger on it. I didn't want to worry you for no reason that's why I asked Alice to keep on eye on the situation. Please don't tell Irina about any of this. I might be wrong and I don't want to ruin her happiness. I just don't want anything bad to happen to her. ''

'' Well, that's all very interesting and all that, '' Rose said bluntly, clearly not in the mood to care about anyone else's problems at the moment. '' But we've got a bit of a family crisis here, so if you don't mind - ''

'' Rose, that's enough! '' Esme said, angry now. '' Drop those branches and calm down. There's no need to be rude to anyone. I know you're upset, we all are, but this is not the way to handle this. Edward has gone home and Carlisle and Jasper are there. I'm sure they can handle all this. ''

'' Well, '' Emmett said, scratching the back of his head. '' Edward might not be able to handle this. If he gets really angry, and he probably will, who knows what he'll do. ''

'' He'll never hurt Bella, '' Esme said, upset that Emmett would even think something like that.

'' No, I don't mean it like that, '' Emmett said. '' But his anger can get - ''

'' Out of control! '' Rose growled. '' He is a hot-headed moron after all! ''

'' You're one to talk, '' I scoffed and Rose directed her growls at me again, but I couldn't care less. '' You've been growling and stamping your feet for the past fifteen minutes. You've been ranting on and on about how you're going to kill him. And those were some pretty detailed plans too, You're just as bad as Edward. Both of you could do with some anger management, so take it down a notch. ''

I turned back to Kate and rolled my eyes at her.

'' Please, don't feel guilty about anything, okay? '' She nodded and looked at Tanya who was still looking at her with suspicion.

'' Kate, I think we should go home, '' she said, a tone of finality in her voice. '' There's a lot of family drama going on here that they need to take of and quite frankly, so do we. '' Kate gave her a sheepish and self conscious nod and excused herself.

'' Good luck with Bella, '' Tanya said, polite as ever. '' I hope everything works out fine. ''

'' Yes, thank you, '' Esme said, hugging her goodbye. '' Same goes for you of course. I hope everything works out for Irina. She deserves to be happy. ''

'' Thank you, '' Tanya said with a smile that didn't reach her eyes. '' We'll see you soon. ''

I watched as both of them left the clearing and disappeared inside the forest. When they were out of sight I turned back to the others.

'' I want to go home, '' Rose stated. '' Now! ''

'' Not until you've calmed down, '' Esme said, before I could say anything. '' This situation is difficult enough as it is and I don't want to worry about you spiraling out of control too. ''

'' I'm in control! '' Rose shouted, contradicting her own words.

'' Yes, I can see that, '' Esme said coolly. '' No one leaves this clearing until I say so and that's my final decision. I don't want to hear another word, '' she added when Rose was about to protest.

'' You will all stay here until you've calmed down, '' she said sternly. '' No exceptions. And then we'll go home. ''


Carlisle's POV.

'' What should we do, Carlisle? '' Jasper asked, concerned. He looked at Bella who stared at her cup of warm cocoa and shivered every now and then. She didn't say anything, but I was confident that we had managed to bring her back. Albeit a little.

'' I'll run some tests on her to see if her vitals are functioning normally, '' I explained. '' I'm confident that there's nothing wrong with her. At least, not physically. She's had a heavy emotional blow. It'll take some time for her to return back to normal. ''

I sank to my knees in front of her and asked her to look at me. Slowly she obeyed and I explained to her that I needed to run some tests. I took out the flashlight again and asked her to follow the light with her eyes. I then tested her reflexes and asked her to put her fingers together one by one. Everything seemed fine. She was still a little cold, for a human, but she would warm up soon enough.

'' Dad, '' she whispered after a long silence.

'' Yes, sweetheart? '' I said as kindly as I could. I didn't want to startle her.

'' I read Edward's journals, '' she said softly. '' I'm sorry. '' She was still looking at the contents of her cup, but I knew she could hear me now.

'' Do you want to talk about it? '' I asked. She shook her head, but spoke anyway.

'' Aren't you angry with me? '' she mumbled softly. Embarrassed.

She cringed before I had even answered her question. She looked so incredibly small and fragile, wrapped in a large blanket. I didn't know how to answer this question. A part of me was angry with her, I couldn't deny that. She should've known better. Then again, she was a child. And a curious one at that. I was more angry with myself for not keeping an eye on her. I just hadn't seen it coming at all. Perhaps we had all been a little naïve. She was allowed to be naïve, she was a child, but we weren't. Had I underestimated her thirst for knowledge? For the truth? Or had I turned a blind eye, because I didn't want to acknowledge the truth myself?

'' We are disappointed in you, Bella, '' Jasper said and she cringed again. She seemed afraid. '' We've told you time and time again that we keep certain things from you for your own good. Because you're still too young to know. You should have listened to us. Why didn't you? ''

'' I -'' she stuttered, still refusing to meet either of our eyes. '' I was angry with Edward, because he had found my letters and read them. ''

'' Yes, I know, '' Jasper said and I frowned at him. '' Bella has been writing letters to her friends in London ever since we moved here, '' he explained.

'' After a while she stopped sending them and instead locked them in her desk drawer. Edward found them a couple of days ago and he bought her a journal. He didn't leave his name, but let's face it... only Edward would do something like that. Bella came to me this afternoon because she wanted to know who had done it. She figured out it was Edward and she was pretty pissed about it. Understandably of course, '' he added with a roll of his eyes.

'' But Bella, '' he continued and he turned to look at her again. '' That's no reason to violate his privacy as well. Yes, Edward shouldn't have done what he did, but revenge is never the answer. Look what happened. Now you're scared and you've read things you don't want to know. Things you shouldn't know, '' he clarified, his voice a little sterner. '' Edward's upset and angry. We're worried about both of you. We're angry with both you and don't even get me started about the others. ''

He shuddered when he seemed to think about something. He voiced his concern a second later. '' Rose will be - '' he started to say, but he didn't finish his sentence. He didn't need to. Bella shrunk down another size and I felt a chill run up my spine. Yes, Rose would be a problem. She would flay Edward alive and Edward wasn't stable at the moment. They would tear each others throats out.

'' Mom will be mad at me, '' Bella mumbled and her bottom lip quivered.

'' No, '' Jasper said with a shake of his head. '' She'll be angry with Edward. She'll probably kill him. Or he will kill her, '' he added as an afterthought. '' It all depends on their temper. I'm guessing they both have a lot of rage inside them right about now. ''

Bella started shaking again and I rubbed the tops of her arms.

'' Kill, '' she said in a terrified whisper. '' Edward killed someone. ''

'' What? '' I asked, momentarily distracted by her words. I had been worrying about Rose and Edward for moment there.

'' Edward killed someone, '' she repeated softly. '' I read it in his journal. Multiple someones actually. How could he do that? '' A tear escaped her eye and slowly rolled down her pale cheek.

'' I don't understand, '' she continued. '' Edward would never hurt anybody. None of you would. You're good vampires. You don't kill people. You're not like the vampires that killed my parents. You don't have red eyes, but Edward did have red eyes. He said so in his journal. He killed people. He liked it too! '' She looked up now, her eyes full of terrified and confused tears. '' Why? I thought you were different! ''

'' We are, sweetheart, '' I said, desperate to calm her down. I wanted to brush her tears away, but she flinched away from me. I gasped and pulled my hand back in a flash. My heart broke there and then. I had never thought that my own daughter would ever be afraid of me, but here she was, pulling away from me, clearly terrified.

I backed away from her, unable to do anything but keep my distance. No one had ever been afraid of me like that. I was a doctor. I worked with humans all the time. I had perfected it over the years. I knew what I had to do to calm them down. More than anyone.

Jasper looked at me with wide eyes before he turned back to Bella.

'' You're all killers, '' she cried, wrapping herself in her blanket.

'' Bella, stop! '' Jasper said, alarmed. '' Look at me! '' She looked up at him with terrified eyes. '' You know us, '' he continued, kneeling down before her. I suspected that he was using his talents to calm her down, but I couldn't be sure. I simply kept my distance. I couldn't stand her fear of me. It was more than I could bear.

'' You know us, Bella, '' he repeated. '' You know me. I'm your brother. I would never, never hurt you. I love you. ''

'' Did you kill people too? '' she asked, trembling under her blanket. '' Tell the truth. ''

'' Yes, '' Jasper said and Bella backed away from him in fear. '' A long time ago. ''

'' Why would you do something like that? '' she cried. '' You're the good guys. You don't kill people! Why? ''

'' Because I didn't know any better! '' he said, panic lacing his voice. She looked at me then.

'' Have you killed people to, dad? '' she asked, but I couldn't answer her.

'' No, '' Jasper said and she looked at him again. '' Carlisle never killed anyone. Not once. He's the reason that we are what we are. He's good through and though, Bella. He has never hurt anyone in his entire life! ''

'' Then why did you? '' she asked, clearly not understanding. And how could she? She was way too young to understand any of this. That's why we hadn't told her. I took a few deep breaths and tried to relax. I didn't want to frighten her again, but I couldn't let my own fear rule me.

'' Like I said, because I didn't know any better, '' Jasper repeated with a shake of his head. '' I'm not proud of my past, Bella. ''

'' Sweetheart, please, '' I pleaded as I slowly walked back to her. '' Don't be afraid of me, please. I can't stand it. I don't want you to be afraid of me. I'm your father and I would never hurt you. ''

'' No, '' Bella said with a shake of her head. '' You're not my father! '' She jumped up and threw her cup of hot cocoa across the room. It landed on the floor, soiling the carpet. '' I don't have a father! I don't have anyone in the world, because monsters you took them away from me! '' She was shouting and crying and I flinched at her words.

'' You're no better than them! ''

She turned around and ran out the door without looking back. Jasper wanted to go after her, but stopped in his tracks when he heard the sound that came out of my mouth. I sank to my knees and my body was heaving with dry sobs.

'' Carlisle, '' Jasper said, trying to help me upright. '' Carlisle, she doesn't mean that. She's just scared and confused. ''

'' My own daughter hates me, '' I cried, hiding my face in my hands. '' She's afraid of me. ''

'' No, she's not, '' Jasper insisted as he half-carried me to the couch Bella had sat on a minute ago. '' She's just confused Carlisle. She could never hate you. ''

'' She's afraid of me, Jasper! '' I said, clutching his arms. '' She's afraid of us. She - ''

'' She'll be fine, '' Jasper said, but I could hear the pain in his voice.

He was trying to calm me down. I could feel it. I didn't deserve to feel calm and confident. Not when Bella felt so confused and scared. Her pain was my pain. Her fears were my fears. She was my daughter and she looked at me as if she didn't recognize me at all. She looked at me like she hated me. She probably did. And who could blame her?

Her parents had been taken away from her by vampires and now she lived with a family of vampires. The irony was beyond anything. And now she finally realized what that meant. She finally agreed with Edward that we were all monsters. And we were. I had never felt so disgusted with myself as I did now. Now that she hated and feared me. Now that she looked at me like...

'' We'll get her back, Carlisle, '' Jasper said. '' She needs time. ''

'' She'll never forgive us, '' I said, heartbroken and terrified that I would lose my daughter for good.

'' There's nothing to forgive, Carlisle, '' Jasper said, determined. '' We didn't kill her parents. We're not the reason she's forced to grow up without them and she will see that too. I'm sure of it. She loves us just as much as we love her. It'll be alright. I promise. ''


Jasper's POV.

I had never seen Carlisle like that before; he was total mess. He seemed to have calmed down somewhat after my interference, but he was nowhere near fine and he certainly wasn't able to deal with this situation anymore.

Alice and the others weren't back yet, Bella had run away and Edward had lost his mind. I paced the living room in agitation, contemplating my next move. If only Alice were here. I wasn't ashamed to admit that I needed her by my side. It suddenly struck me as odd that she and the others hadn't returned yet.

Alice must have seen Bella in one of her visions. The only reason Edward could have known is if she tipped him off. Why hadn't she come back with him? Did she think that Carlisle and I would be able to handle this without her help? Was she trying to keep Rosalie en Edward apart for all our sakes? She must have told the others by now.

Whatever her reasons, she wasn't here and I needed to come up with some sort of plan before things would take a catastrophic turn. I scoffed at that thought and shook my head at myself. Things had already escalated.

Bella was gone, Carlisle was a mess and Edward had lost his god damned mind! I couldn't search for Bella and keep an eye on those two at the same time. Carlisle had definitely reached his limit and he was in no position to search for Bella at the moment. Edward was too angry to be around her and she was angry with everyone, so in a way it didn't matter who found her.

I cursed under my breath and gritted my teeth together in frustration. It felt as if I had walked into a war zone again.

I looked at the ceiling, in the direction of Edward's bedroom, and thought: Edward! I don't care what you're doing up there just listen to me. Things have gotten ugly. Bella went into shock before she freaked out and ray away. Carlisle is a total mess and has locked himself inside his office. The others aren't back yet and I need to go and find Bella before something happens to her. I know you're angry and honestly, I don't really want to talk to you either, but I'm desperate. Just keep an eye on Carlisle while I'm out and don't do anything stupid!

I strained my ears, waiting for a sign that he had indeed heard every word, but none came. I growled under my breath and kicked the nearest wall. A chunk fell off and splintered into little pieces at my feet. Esme was going to kill us, I thought abstractly. We had demolished several parts of her precious house in the last hour.

'' Edward! '' I growled, out loud this time, so he couldn't pretend he hadn't heard me. '' Did you hear me? ''

Something that sounded like a glass vase chattered to a thousand pieces upstairs. I narrowed my eyes at the ceiling, ready to shout something else up at him, but decided against it. He had obviously heard every single word I had spoken to him, aloud or otherwise. There was nothing else for it. I needed to find Bella.

I ran out the backdoor and into the grounds that belonged to our estate without another word. I tried to follow her scent, but it was all over the place. I rolled my eyes at myself.

Of course her scent was all over the place she lived here! A chilling thought grabbed me by the throat while I was contemplating my next move.

What if she had taken off on horseback? She wouldn't be stupid enough to ride Willow without a chaperone would she?

I raced to the stables and breathed out a sigh of relief when I saw that Willow was safely locked and grazing comfortably.

She had probably been too upset to think of it. Or maybe she decided that she didn't have a death wish after all. Yes, I had sensed her emotions when I had found her in her room and carried her to Carlisle's office.

I ran to the edge of the grounds in the direction of the forest, but her scent seemed to grow fainter when I approached. I let out another sigh of relief. It was already dark outside and I hated to think what could have happened to her if she had gone into the woods by herself.

But that left only one option: the town. I was about to take off, but another familiar scent halted me in my tracks.

'' Jasper. '' A faint whisper in the distance, but I would recognize that voice anywhere. Alice.

I turned around in relief. My eyes focused in the dark as I peered through the thick trees and into the woods where her voice had called out to me. A second later she appeared, running toward me with purpose.

'' Alice! '' I let out, relief flooding through me. I hadn't even realized how tense I had been until this very moment. She had the magical ability to make everything better. She didn't need the ability to control emotions. She controlled mine regardless.

'' Where have you been all this time? '' I asked when she came to a halt in front of me and threw her arms around me.

'' I'm sorry, '' she breathed into my neck. '' I wanted to come sooner, but Esme wouldn't let us leave until we had all calmed down. ''

'' You needed to calm down? '' I asked, confused.

'' No, but Rose did, '' she answered with a shake of her head. Her face was still pressed against my neck, so I took a step back. I needed to look at her face.

'' She freaked out, '' Alice clarified. '' Big time. ''

'' Yeah, I thought as much, '' I mumbled, not surprised. I looked around, but I couldn't see the others anywhere.

'' If Esme kept all of you until everyone had calmed down, '' I started to say, but Alice interrupted me, answering my question before I could finish it.

'' I convinced Esme to let me go, '' she said. She sounded tired and tense. '' I saw what happened, Jazz. With Edward and Carlisle and... ''

'' Yeah, '' I sighed. I looked at my shoes that were almost pressed against Alice's dark blue heels. A small part of my brain wondered why she would wear shoes like that when she went hunting, but I pushed the silly thought away.

'' When I tried to tell Esme that we were needed at home Rosalie went crazy all over again and Emmett had to actually pin her down to keep her there, '' Alice explained and I rolled my eyes at Rosalie's tendency toward the dramatic. For some reason that visual was followed by the memory of Bella screaming at Carlisle that he wasn't her father before storming out of the room. Like mother like daughter...

'' In the end I managed to convince Esme that I was needed back here and she let me go, '' Alice finished and I nodded absentmindedly.

'' This is all my fault, '' she added and that caught my attention.

'' Wait, what? '' I said, confused and a little angry that she would say that. '' Of course this isn't your fault, Alice. ''

'' Yes, it is, '' she insisted, her voice as fierce as her eyes. '' I wasn't paying attention and when I finally realized what Bella was up too it was already too late. I warned Edward as fast as I could, but I knew he wouldn't make it... If I had just - ''

'' No, Alice, '' I said, forcing her to look at me. I grabbed her small shoulders and shook them a little.

'' This is not your fault. '' I emphasized each word to make sure that the message landed. '' Not everything is your responsibility. I was in the house when it happened and I had no idea what Bella was up to. She somehow managed to get past me without alerting me to her plans. Moreover, '' I said when she tried to interrupt me.

'' I told her Edward had given her that journal. She came to me this afternoon. She seemed upset and I wanted to make her feel better. She was trying to figure out who did it and Edward was the only person left when she evaluated the rest. I might have given her a push in the wrong direction. I just- '' I sighed and shook my head.

'' I understood her feelings. She felt betrayed and she was angry. I would be too if someone would do that to me. I just didn't think she would actually go this far to make Edward pay. Now the only person whose feelings are truly hurt are her own... more than that, she completely freaked out. She's terrified of us. '' I thought about Carlisle who was still locked inside his office, afraid to come out.

'' She- '' I started to say, but Alice put her finger against my lips and shook her head.

'' I already know everything, '' she whispered. '' It's not your fault either, Jasper. You did everything you could. Let me take it from here. ''

'' What do you mean? '' I asked, confused.

'' Let me find her, '' she insisted. '' You need to be with Carlisle now. ''

'' But he has locked himself inside his office and refuses to come out, '' I said, gesturing toward the house.

'' But when he does you need to be there, '' she prompted. '' You need to be there for Edward too. ''

'' Edward, '' I growled under my breath, but Alice rolled her eyes at me.

'' Don't be difficult about this, '' she said, her voice a little stern. '' Edward has to relive his darkest moments. He broods too much. Only you can calm him down. ''

'' I tried that, '' I said, the bitter taste of our previous encounter still in my mouth. '' And in return he tried to rip my head off. ''

'' He was upset,'' Alice said, clearly not worried that her husband had almost been killed by her brother. I guessed that proved how messed up our family truly was. I frowned at myself. As if that hadn't been obvious before all this happened.

'' He'll come around and when he does he needs you, '' Alice said, confident that she was right. I had learned a long time ago that I would never bet against Alice. If she said this was the right course it was.

'' Okay, '' I nodded and she kissed me on the lips softly before she gave me a faint smile.

'' I guess I'll go and retrieve Bella, '' she sighed, looking toward the dark lane that let into town.

'' Do you know where she is? '' I asked and she nodded.

'' Yes, so don't you worry about it anymore. ''

I leaned forward and rested my head against hers, closing my eyes.

'' This day has been a complete disaster, '' I mumbled and I felt her small frame shake with laughter. She wasn't amused in the least, I knew that.

'' Tell me about it, '' she agreed. '' Reminds me of Emmett and Rosalie's wedding day. ''

Now it was my turn to laugh. She was right of course. The day Edward had found out about his future with Bella. I suddenly wondered if those visions were still as solid as ever, but I didn't dare ask. Right now that future seemed a million miles away. It seemed an impossibility that Edward and Bella would go back to normal. How were they supposed to fall in love when they were scared of each other?

It wasn't just Bella who was afraid. Edward was terrified as well. His darkest fears had just become a reality. He was afraid to face Bella ever again, scared of what she might think of him. If you would ask her now she would probably say that she never wanted to see him again.

Perhaps Alice was right. She was the one who needed to talk to Bella. I had no idea what she was planning on saying, but I had faith in her.

'' Do you know when Esme and the others will be back? '' I asked, trying to distract myself.

'' No, '' Alice said, her eyes sliding in and out of focus to check. '' Rose was still pretty out of it when I left and Esme won't let her come home until she has her anger under control. ''

'' That might take a while, '' I muttered dryly.

'' Indeed, '' she agreed, a sheepish grin tickling the corners of her mouth. I sighed and kissed the top of her head.

'' You should go, '' I said. '' Find our little sister and take her home. Where she belongs. ''

'' I will, '' she said, confident. Her confidence allowed some of it back into my system. That's why I needed her with me. She was my beacon. My rock. The beautiful optimistic bubble that wrapped herself around me and allowed me to feel... hope. Hope and Happiness.

She gave me a quick peck on the lips and then she was gone. I stood there for a minute, allowing that hope to spread through my body. I needed it. I needed her confidence to help me deal with all the crap I would encounter once I went back inside.

Alice seemed convinced that I was the one to help both Carlisle and Edward, but I wasn't so sure about it. Sometimes I thought she overestimated my abilities...


Edward's POV.

My darkest moments laid out before me, taunting me, reminding me that I was only one kill away from becoming him again. Try as I might to forget my retched past, I could not.

My journals lay open before me, their words screaming at me. I could never forget the things I had written in there, no matter how many years had passed since the ink had sunk into the paper. Faded black on yellowed white. Long, neat handwriting whenever I felt diligent and proper. Quick scribbles when I was in hurry and needed to write my thoughts and actions down before I could forget them. I sneered and shook my head. As if I ever could.

And shaky, uncertain lines covered the pages that represented my conscience, my guilt, my pain. My cries for help.

But no matter which one stared back at me from the tainted pages they were all edged in darkness. The neater the handwriting the crazier I was.

Each regrettable kill immortalized on vulnerable paper. The names of my victims lit up on the pages, as if their owners wanted to remind me of my sins.

Charles Evenson. Esme's first husband and my first kill. Did I say regrettable? I meant well-deserved. How could I deny it? Even after all these years I still felt hatred polluting my veins whenever I thought of that pathetic excuse for a man. Esme, good and kind as she was, deserved better than a tyrant who used her as an easy target to channel his frustrations whenever he got drunk or simply because he felt like it.

Don't get me wrong, I regretted that part of my life – the time where I had forgotten the value of human life – not because they deserved to live, but because I hated the man I had become. A man unworthy of family, a future, kindness, warmth and above all, love.

Granted, I still felt undeserving, but at least I did everything in my power to come close to deserving. Killing is a sin. No matter how vile and monstrous those men may have been I was no better. I was just as unworthy and monstrous as they were.

Still, the world was better of without them. I regretted not their loss of life, but my loss of humanity. Which sounded silly to me, even now. I wasn't human, so how could I claim to possess humanity?

I closed my eyes and opened them on another journal.

Thomas Andrews. November 13th 1928. Kill number thirty seven.

I remembered him well. His reputation preceded him and still he managed to stay a free man. The police had arrested him several times for both murder and rape, but had to let him go again, because they lacked evidence. He was a wealthy man with connections in high places and always made sure that the right people owed him a favor. Humans are corrupt and greedy after all.

But the only proof I needed he had provided himself. His mind. No man could fool me. I remembered the night I killed him. How his eyes had frozen, wide with horror, when he had realized that I was no ordinary man. When he had realized he was about to die. I had heard his last thoughts as I'd sucked the life out of him. His desperate prayers to a god he had scorned. His hope for forgiveness.

If it were up to me he'd still be burning in hell 'til this day. Each and every one of them deserved that faith.

Christian Hudson. March 4th 1929. Kill number ninety one.

This man was not wanted for anything. The police had never received a word on him and for all they knew he was the do-good-er he pretended to be. An investor. A banker. A well-respected man with a fondness of charity galas, liquor and, what else, women. An average, wealthy man with connections. Except for one thing: His blatant disrespect for everything regarding the opposite sex. He liked it when they were bound and helpless, drugged if it were up to him. His fondness of comatosed females allowed him to stay a free man for many years. You see, when no one remembered what had actually happened it was difficult to file a complaint of any kind.

I guess it was a good thing that he was fully conscious when he acted on his repulsive desires, because it made it so much easier for me to uncover the truth and track him down.

Simon Moore. June 12th 1929. Kill number one hundred and twelve.

Not a high society man at all. A jazz musician. An artist, a sensitive soul. A poet. Or so he'd liked to think.

Except that he had another income aside from playing the trombone. As a young and good looking musician it had been easy to make young girls swoon at the sight of him and collect them like lucky pennies. He'd always known how to pick them. Young, fragile girls who yearned to break free of the life that had been forced onto them by their parents.

Rebellious, lost girls. He made sure they cut all ties with their families, which wasn't that hard considering they had started dating him and their families usually didn't like to see their wealthy daughters with the penniless musician types. Then, when they were isolated, cut off from society and completely dependent, he would force them into prostitution, take the money they earned and keep them on a tight leash.

That was, until I put a leash on him and tightened it until he literally lost his head.

I sighed and tossed that journal aside as well. I could continue this forever. There was no shortage of the men I had killed after all. But what good would it do to recount all of them? I'd be here till next year. Well, maybe not next year, but certainly much longer than I wanted.

I had no idea how much Bella had seen, but I knew she had seen too much. Way too much. I saw the look of terrified horror in her eyes when she had turned around and faced me. That obvious fear of impending death that those men used to have reflected in her eyes. How could I ever face her again after this?

She had finally seen the monster I had tried to warn her against and protect her from all this time. She finally understood what I had tried to tell her all these years. I was a monster. A soulless, corrupted monster.

How had I ever deluded myself into thinking that I could actually deserve her? How could I have been swayed by Alice's ridiculous visions? Visions of a future... with her. I wanted to laugh at my miserable reflection. I wanted to sneer at him for ever hoping, ever so secretly, that that future might come true. If there had ever been a chance of her loving me, I had now squashed it. If my horrid past hadn't done the job, and I was pretty sure it had, then my monstrous behavior when I had found her with my journals had done it.

Why on earth would she care about me? How could she ever love a monster? I didn't deserve someone as good and kind as Bella. And she definitely deserved a lot better than me.

I suddenly realized that all this must have frightened her even more, because her parents had been killed by vampires.

I hadn't thought it possible, but I suddenly hated myself infinitely more than I did a few seconds ago.

I was no better than the monsters who had took her parents away from her.

No, Bella's parents had been good people and I had never killed innocents. I shook my head at my pathetic attempt to make it sound right. As if Bella would ever see it that way. That wouldn't matter to her. No matter what kind of people I had killed, I had killed. That was the only thing she would ever see. I would always be a murderer to her. A monster.

I could never face her again. I didn't deserve to be in her life.


Bella's POV.

My feet were sore and my legs were burning, but I kept running anyway. I never wanted to stop. I didn't want to turn around and see the path that I had left behind. I had run away from my family and now I was all alone.

No, I had been alone ever since my parents had died.

These past few years had been a silly fantasy I had created to delude myself. The years before that were a mystery that I might never uncover and the future was still unknown.

Only Alice saw the future and now I could never ask her again what it may hold for me. She never told me anyway, but that hadn't stopped me from asking every chance I got. I remembered how I always wined when she refused to tell me things. That I told her she was selfish for not sharing her gift with me.

It's not always a gift, Bella. It can be a terrible burden to see what has yet to come. Knowledge is the death of innocence and ignorance is bliss.

That's what she always said to me and I had always rolled my eyes at her words. I hadn't understood them at all. They had seemed silly to me. How could knowledge be a burden? If it was why was I forced to go to school? They wanted me to learn new things all the time. Life was built on knowledge, without it one would be powerless.

No, I hadn't understood her words at the time, but I understood them now.

She had been right.

Knowledge is the death of innocence and ignorance is bliss. I had never thought that my thirst for knowledge was a bad thing, until today. Today I had learned things I wished I hadn't.

Today, knowledge had become the death of my innocence and I wished with all my heart that I could go back to being ignorant, but that was impossible.

Once you know something you can never go back to not knowing. I pictured the stupid toothpaste again and cursed it.

Alice had been right. I didn't know why that still surprised me; she was always right.

I wrapped my arms around myself as I walked through the dark streets in town. The houses I passed were lit and the lights of their lamps shone out onto the streets, making strange and disturbing shadows that were enhanced by the street lanterns, but I was barely aware of them.

It had been an unusually warm day, but now that the sun had set and the moon had risen the air had turned cold. The wind bit my cheeks and made my eyes water.

I suddenly felt very helpless and alone, walking the deserted streets at night while everyone else sat in the warm confinements of their homes. I turned my head when a bright light lit the left side of my face.

The house in front of me was small and quaint – very different from our large and cold estate – and I peeked inside. A part of me realized that it was incredibly rude to stare through someones front window, but I was too tired to care.

A family of four sat at a table, eating dinner and chatting animatedly. I couldn't hear what they were saying, but it looked as if they were having fun.

The mother served more food while the father patted his small son on the head. He grinned up at his father and showed him something I couldn't see. The father laughed, a loud belly laugh by the looks of it, because he threw his head back and placed his right arm over his stomach.

The mother laughed along with him and sat down at the other end of the table. There was a small girl in a blue dress and she looked at her food with obvious dislike. She shoved her plate away and her mother put it back with a stern look.

This must have displeased the girl, because she started whining until her father placed her on his lap and started feeding her things from his own plate. They ate together as the little girl clung to her father and laughed every time her put the spoon in front of her mouth.

I had no idea why she would find that funny, but she ate everything he fed her, so it must have been something good.

Perhaps this had been close to the life I had lived with my parents before they had been taken away from me. Eating dinner together, telling stories about our days, laughing together. I couldn't actually remember, but it was the closest thing to a happy family memory I had so I pretended it had actually happened. For all I knew, it had.

It was something that I would never have again.

I hardly ever thought about my parents. Mostly because I didn't remember them all that well and also because I had a new family that made me very happy. Almost every memory I had involved them. I didn't know any better.

But here I was, standing in the middle of a dark road, staring through someone elses window, spying on a family that seemed normal and alien to me at the same time. Normal because these children still had their parents, but so utterly alien because I had never had what they had. At least, not that I remembered.

It made me miss my parents more than I had ever missed them before. It made me realize all the things that I was missing out on. Something as simple as a family dinner.

When my family pictured a family dinner it involved a few bears or mountains lions and it most certainly never involved me, because they didn't want me around for that.

I always ate alone. I had gotten so used to it that it didn't even bother me anymore, but now it did. Now that I saw what I could have had I missed it.

Now I mourned for the life I could have had, but didn't have, because it had been taken away from me by vampires.

And here I was, living in Alaska in a large estate with a family of vampires! How had that happened?

It had never bothered me before, because I had always been convinced that they were the good guys. They had told me so the very first time had met them in a hospital in Pennsylvania.

They were good, because their eyes were golden. The red eyes are the bad guys. It had been that easy. Good vs Evil.

But now I realized it had not been as simple as that. I had worshiped the ground they walked on, I had idolized each and every one of them, especially Edward. I had felt safe and blessed and insignificant next to their superiority. I had thought them angels, fallen from heaven in exchange for my parents, so that I would never be alone again.

They would never change, never grow old, never die. Nothing could take them away from me and they would always be right by my side, strong and eternal.

God had sent them to me. To protect me, to keep me safe now that my parents were no longer here.

And for some inexplicable reason they had thought of themselves as monsters, unworthy of me. I had never understood what made them think such ridiculous things.

They tried and tried to keep me as happy as possible, to give me everything they thought I needed, even though I didn't. Toys, clothes, amazing animals, indoor swimming pools, vacations to exotic places, jewelry, more clothes and toys and most of all: love.

It had always felt like too much. They had already given me more than I could ever wish for: them.

They protected me from the most ridiculous things like stairs and sharp edges on tables and my own clumsy feet. Edward had even insisted on cutting my meat at the dinner table for a while so that I didn't have to use a knife. The lengths they went to in order to keep me safe were utterly ridiculous, but they always told me that my safety was everything to them.

They adored me every single step of the way, no matter how awful or pathetic I was. They soothed me when I had a nightmare; stayed by my side all night if they had to.

Whenever I fell down and hurt myself they kissed it better and went out of their way to make me smile again. They hugged and kissed me whenever they could, even if I didn't want to, they did it anyway.

They forgave me if I was rude or unreasonable. No matter what, they loved me. They always told me I was to light in their lives and that they were the blessed ones. That they were undeserving of me, but that they would never stop trying to deserve me nevertheless.

I had laughed with them, cried with them. I had fought about silly things with them and then made up again, because none of them could stay mad at me for long. And to be honest, I could never stay mad at them for long either, because they were my family and I loved them.

They worshiped the ground I walked on just as much as I worshiped theirs. Perhaps even more, although I had always found that hard to believe.

They had literally done everything in their power to keep me as safe and happy as humanly, or inhumanly in their case, possible.

My personal guard of Godsend angels.

Until today. Today I had forced a truth on myself that they had tried to warn me about, but also tried to keep from me.

Today I had seen why they called themselves monsters and I was forced to conclude that they had been right all along.

Today I saw the bleakness of their reality. Today I had seen their nature and not been impressed by it, but I had shied away from it.

Today I had finally realized that their strength, speed, beauty and immortality were not tools to keep me safe, but to give them what they needed to hunt me down and kill me.

Today I had finally seen their destructive nature. They weren't created to keep me safe and happy. If God had created them, like he had created everything else, he hadn't done it to help me.

He had done it to maintain the balance. That's the most positive conclusion I could form.

He had created them to hunt humans, just as he had created the killer wale to hunt baby seals. I was a baby seal.

Of course I seemed weak and vulnerable to them! I was nothing more than an ant they could squash on the sidewalk without even realizing. They could kill me so easily and that's what they were meant to do. That's what they had done before they'd met me.

Just as I ate a chicken and thought it was delicious and meant for food. Humans were their chickens.

And Edward had eaten a lot of chickens in his time. He had even counted them like a kid counts the days 'til his next birthday! As if he had expected some sort of present if he reached a certain number!

Had the vampires who had killed my parents done the same thing? Were they a name and number in their journal now? Was there an empty spot in there where my name should have been? Had they left it there waiting to be filled? Where they still looking for me?

I shuddered at the thought and realized that I was still standing in the middle of the road, half turned toward the house with the dining family. I turned around without risking another glance inside for fear that they had noticed me. I tried to shake the horrible feeling that had

enveloped me like an ice cold blanket and tried to move away from it.

But I didn't see where I was going and before I knew it I ran into a wall. I stumbled back and was anticipating my fall on the cold concrete street, but it never came. A pair of strong hands wrapped themselves around my arms and held me upright.

'' Whoopsie daisy! '' A familiar cheerful voice filled the silence and I felt my body freeze under those strong hands that were still holding me in place.


Waaah! I'm awful for leaving you guys hanging again, but this chapter was getting too long, so I needed to cut it in half. I simply can't write a short chapter.. I have issues.. especially when everyone's emotions are all over the place. I like writing those, but that means these chapters become waaaay too long. Don't worry though, I'm already halfway done with the second half of the chapter.. or the next part or.. whatever, you guys know what I mean. I'll update it as soon as it's finished and it shouldn't take that long. I hope you guys loved it, despite the lame and open ending. Please leave a review and tell me what you think! I'll update again really, really soon. I just wanted to get this out there, so you guys wouldn't have to wait any longer. Well.. let me know what you all think!

TTFN! XXX