I thought we agreed that you wouldn't have contact with Todd, says a stern Alexis. I know what I said, but that was before I knew that he had a breakdown, I say. Do you think that he could be faking, she asks. I give her a surprised look. I remembered that in one of our therapy sessions, Todd had revealed that he had once faked having D.I.D. in order to get out of a prison sentence. But I had been around so many patients in his state and unless he is a very good actor then no, he isn't faking this time. What about the divorce papers Dee, asks Alexis. Did you tell Todd? I can't Alexis, not yet. Not until he is better. Alexis sighs and gives me that look. Dee I know how you feel about him and despite everything that happened between the two of you that night, I know that you are having second thoughts. I don't know what I'm thinking or doing, I say. Do you still love him, asks Alexis. I hesitate. Never mind, she says, I think I know the answer. Oh my dear friend, she continues, you have it bad for this man. But just know that whatever you decide, you can always count on me. I smile at her, Thank you Alexis, that means the world to me. We end our lunch. Time to prepare for Starr's return.
I have sent a car to pick up Starr at the airport. While waiting for her to arrive I am trying to psych myself up for all the questions she will no doubt ask. Finally she is here, she walks in the door. The look on her face is questioning. I hug her, but her hug in return is less heart felt. She is upset with me because her father is in Shady Brook. I missed you, I say. My mind is thinking, thank God that she wasn't here when Todd and I fought and he ended up attacking me. I want to go see my dad, I want to see him now, she says. Yes of course, I say, but before you do, we need to talk. There is nothing to talk about, replies Starr, you put him in that place. There is a reason Starr, I say. I know my dad is ill, but he wasn't at that point of having to be committed when I left, she says. That's why I want to talk to you, please Starr, come sit down and let me tell you everything. Starr sits reluctantly. Alright Dee, she says, I'm listening. I have to take a deep breath before I begin, I don't want to upset Starr any further but she has to know the truth. Starr I begin, your father and I had a huge argument, actually more like a fight. What about, she asks. About me, I answer. What about you, she says. Let me begin by telling you about my past. Starr sits back in her chair. When I was about sixteen, I ran away from my foster home. I ended up in New York City. I had no money, no anything. I ended up working at a nightclub. The owner of the nightclub was Anthony Zacchara. Starr's eyes widen, Anthony Zacchara? Johnny Zaccharas father? Yes, I answer. What did you do at this club, she asks. I was a dancer. Starr is looking at me with shock. So you knew Johnny from back then and this upset dad, right? Yes Starr, but there is more to the reason why your father was angry. What more, she asks. Johnny and I were two kids in love and I got pregnant. But his father wanted us apart and he threatened to kill me and our baby so I ran away again, without telling Johnny about our child. Starr is speechless. I ended up giving the baby up for adoption. I went on with my life, going to college and starting my profession. I didn't tell your father about this, I kept it from him. And when you told him he got angry, says Starr, I can't say that I blame him. Actually Starr, I didn't tell your father. Then how did my dad find out, she asks. Johnny told him, I answer. He and your dad fought and Johnny cut your father very bad. Oh my God, exclaims Starr. When your father came home he confronted me and I told him everything I just told you. He was so angry with me and I was frightened. I told him awful truths about his past as well and he became violent. Starr now has a frightened look on her face as well. What happened Dee, did my dad hurt you? I don't want to tell her the rest, but she has to know. I hesitate before I can answer her. Dee what happened, I want to know, I have to know. Your...your father attacked me, I say. Oh no, oh my God, says Starr, please, please don't tell me that he...forced himself on you, please. I was actually glad that Starr had used the word forced instead of what it really is called...rape. He tried, I answer, but thankfully he stopped. Starr buries her head in her hands, I can't believe this, I can't. But how did you get him into Shady Brook? After what had almost happened, your father ran off and ended up on the docks almost bleeding to death from the deep gash Johnny had inflicted on him. He had a complete breakdown, talking to your grandmother Irene's ghost and she convinced him to kill himself by jumping into the harbor and just letting himself drown. Two passer's by found him and saved his life. They stated to police that he kept begging them to just let him die. He was taken to General Hospital, he had surgery on his wound and then taken to the psychiatric ward and kept under suicide watch. Starr is in tears. So I went to see him, I say, I wasn't going to, but I did. Dr. Campbell said he needed serious help and I signed the papers. So if you want to be angry with me Starr, it's alright, I will understand, but I don't regret signing. I didn't do it out of anger for your father, he does need help, more than I alone could ever give him. I did it because I...I love him. Starr is crying, I go to her and take her in my arms. She hugs me in return. This time I feel the difference in her embrace, she means it. I'm so sorry Dee for what my dad did to you. I'm sorry I was angry with you. Please Starr, don't apologize, what happened between your father and I, it has nothing to do with you. And it's okay that you were upset with me, I know how much you love your dad and how much he loves you. Your dad will be alright, remember he is a fighter, a survivor, he will get the help he needs. He wants to be whole again. If he ever was, says Starr.
Starr and I arrive at Shady Brook. I go in to see Todd first. Starr says she needs a few minutes so she can brace herself before seeing him in this place. Todd is happy to see me, but I am still a bit stand offish. He knows this but doesn't push it. Already that is a major change for Todd. He is healing very well from the surgery on his deep laceration, but still feeling some slight pain. He has been here in Shady Brook for a while now. We talk about The Sun. He misses being at work. I assure him it is being run well by Jacob and Todd's employees. Then he begins to talk about us and that he wants to come home. Is there still an us, I wonder to myself. I am actually walking around with divorce papers in my bag, a blank line at the bottom of the page waits for my signature. I try to get him off the subject. Hey guess what, I say. I have a surprise for you. You're going to love it. He looks at me with a slight smile and out of the blue asks the damndest thing. Are you pregnant? That question totally throws me off and in to orbit. What, I say. Are you pregnant, he asks again. I actually see a look of hope in his eyes. No Todd, I say with a bewildered look on my face, I'm not pregnant. Why in the world would you think that? Todd thinks back to the day he sat in his office looking at our photo and longing to start a family with me. Never mind, he says, just forget I asked that. He is clearly disappointed. What's the surprise then, he asks. Someone is here to see you, I say. Who, he asks. He hears a voice exclaim, me! He looks up to see Starr at the door. He smiles so big yet at the same time looking as if he is going to cry. She rushes to her father and hugs him tightly. His arms fly around his Starr. He lets out a little painful moan. Oh I'm sorry dad, I forgot about the surgery, I didn't mean to hurt you. He takes a deep breath, it's okay Shorty, you didn't hurt me, you never could. Besides, they give me some real good stuff here that sends you into la la land and guess what? No more pain. Starr smiles. I guess we have a lot to talk about, Todd says to Starr. Yes we do, replies Starr and she glances at me. She turns back to her father. I slowly open the door and leave the room. I still can't believe Todd would think I was pregnant. We had never talked about having a baby, but now that seems like it is never going to happen. But someone once told me, never say never.
As Starr is visiting with her father I have a conversation with Todd's therapist Dr. Campbell in his office. I have to tell you Dee, Todd has made very good progress in our sessions. He told me everything that happened that night. I'm so sorry Dee that you had to go through that. I know it must have been awful. It was, I say, but it's over. If you ever want to talk about it or anything at all, you know I am here for you, says the doctor. Thank you but I'm fine, I reply. He can clearly see that I am not. Todd's question about me being pregnant is still echoing in my head. Little do I know, that even though I said I am fine, I am about to say so much to Todd's therapist. Dr. Campbell continues. Todd's feelings about what he did, I feel are truly genuine, his remorse overwhelms him at times, has he expressed it to you when you see him? Yes, he has, I answer. He has asked for my forgiveness but. But what, asks the doctor. But I can't give it to him, not yet and it's not that I'm angry at him, not anymore. It's just that I'm heart broken. Heartbroken and scared. I kept a big secret from him and when he found out, from someone other than myself, all hell broke loose. But Dee, says Dr. Campbell, your seriously not blaming yourself for what Todd did, are you? This is the same question Alexis asked as I think back. Todd was driven by his anger, says the doctor. Yes, and I am the one who set that anger off, so yes, I do blame myself for that and I blame myself for him being cut and almost bleeding to death. But I don't take the blame for what he tried to do to me, that is all on Todd. I don't realize that I am shouting and crying. I am having my own breakdown. I love him, but I hurt him and he hurt me in the worst possible way. How can I walk on pins and needles for the rest of our married life and wonder if at any moment he will snap over some jealousy and that he won't attack me again. I can't and I won't. I love him but I have to let him go. Dee what are you saying, asks the doctor. I have had divorce papers drawn up, I answer. You do realize, says the doctor, that this could set Todd back, he has come a long way, but this is your decision. I'm conflicted doctor, part of me wants to walk in there and just hand him the damn papers and the other part is screaming wait, wait till he is well enough, strong enough. But is there ever a good time to tell someone that you're leaving them, divorcing them? And I know it will set him back and that he will lose his temper and lash out again and on and on it goes. I want him to get better. His whole life starting as a child has been awful, you know all of this doctor. I want him to be able to forgive himself for the things he has done, I want him not to hate himself anymore. That scar on his face he keeps as a constant reminder of what he did to that poor girl in college and tried to do to her again later in an alley. The scars on his body from the eight years of torture he endured. A bullet wound scar where his horrid mother shot him. And now a new scar across his chest because of me. And what about his brother Victor? He shows absolutely no remorse for killing him. He seems to be sorry for everything but that. There is too much for him to work through. I know he tries to do good but he always makes the wrong decisions or acts out in anger before thinking of the consequences. And we can help him Dee, says the doctor, he can get there. Tell me Dee, what do you really want for Todd? All I've ever wanted is for him to be happy, I answer. Well then you should know this, in every session we have had, no matter what we talk about, one thing is always a constant. He always, always tells me without fail that he truly loves you and that you make him happy. I shut my eyes and cry. Todd says that he loves me and that I make him happy, but how? How is hurting each other a recipe for happiness? Please, can someone give me the answer to that?
