Lincoln kept his eyes peeled to the ground, constantly looking for any sign of those they tracked. The hoof prints in the snow were old, and often times they had been wiped away completely due to wind or a melee of other prints on top of them, but so far they'd been able to find them again after only a short time of searching. It took a day to find the spot where Clarke had been taken, and now after another two days of following that trail, Lincoln knew the blonde and her captors were days ahead of them still. He knew without a doubt there was no way they'd be able to find her before she was handed over to Nia, and he didn't care for the way that knowledge gripped at his insides. Clarke was strong though, stronger than most, so he allowed himself to believe she would find a way to survive until they finally found her. For everyone's sake, he prayed for it.
"Natrona. Chek," he heard Ashi call to him. Looking up from the tracks in front of him, he looked over to the other tracker, finding her a few dozen feet a head of him and pointing towards the base of a tree. Ignoring the name, he moved over to her, eyes trailing down to where she was pointing. "They stopped here. The horses tried to find food."
The spot she pointed at showed a number of hoof prints, and along with them he saw places where the snow had been pushed to the side, as though an animal scrounging for food had been there. Eyes scanning the area, he looked up and a bit farther out, and then stopped when he noticed something. Moving over to it, he knelt next to the small pile, studying it before he shook his head, not letting out the sigh he felt building in the back of his throat. As he stood, he kicked at the frozen pile of old excrement, chipping it slightly.
"They were here," he agreed with Ashi, looking back at her and noticing her frown and the annoyance that was obvious along her brow. "But it was days ago. If they were all riding, they could have gone dozens of miles by now, or easily more."
"Cowards," Ashi spat, her fists clenching at her sides as she shook her head. "Only a coward takes a prisoner rather than issue a challenge!"
On one hand, Lincoln agreed. A true warrior would never have gone after anyone other than the object of their fury. True warriors fought their enemies straight on, they didn't send up to a dozen raiders out to capture one girl. On the other hand though, Lincoln knew better than to write Nia off simply as a coward. No, the Ice Queen was no coward; a coward would not have been able to present the Commander with the head of her dead love and look her in the eyes. The Ice Queen was cruel but she was calculated: if she'd had her warriors take Clarke, then there was a reason, and it was that reason that worried him.
Before he could tell her as much, however, they heard footsteps through the trees and looked up to find Jynt running towards them. Turning, they saw him stop and then motion towards them, gesturing for them to follow.
"Come on," he called to them loudly enough that Lincoln knew his tone and expression didn't mean they'd found who they were after. "We found something."
Ashi and Lincoln jogged towards him, their pace quick as they followed their fellow tracker through the trees, and Lincoln didn't fail to notice that the path also followed after their enemy's trail. Jynt slowed only when he rounded a bend of trees, his face set, and Lincoln forced his pace to mirror the other man's before he looked around. With the white snow on the ground, the first thing his eyes were drawn to was the faded splash of red against the snow a few feet away, and as he followed the splash he found the body the blood had clearly come from. Ashi immediately moved towards it, Jynt following her, and together they rolled the corpse over. Lincoln watched them, eyes flickering down over the body as it was moved. Much of the clothing had been torn away, chunks of flesh pulled harshly from its bones, but clearly no large animal had yet to find it, because once it rested on its back, Lincoln saw that the face had been left largely in tact. Ashi spat at the frozen man, glaring at the scars along his cheekbones that marked him as Ice Nation. Lincoln paid little attention to the action, his eyes scanning over the corpse's face before moving down to the large gash across his neck. The wound made it obvious as to how he had died, the only question was who had given to him. Lincoln had a guess, but no way to be certain.
As Ashi and Jynt patted down the body for any clues it might give them, Lincoln let his gaze wander around, looking for anything else that might help them. As he moved, he noticed the mouth of a cave at the top of the hill, and began walking towards it. As he got closer, he noticed black char along the snow at its entrance, and knelt down next to it. Picking up some of it, he rubbed the substance between his fingers, his brow pulled down.
The quiet shuffle of footsteps pulled his attention away from the black char, and Lincoln looked up to see Ryder exiting the cave. The big man's eyes fell on Lincoln and he stopped at the entrance, blocking the rest of the interior of the cave from view.
"We should keep going," he said, his tone quiet but firm. His face was set, something hidden away that Lincoln couldn't quite decipher.
"Are there any clues in there?" he asked, standing up and moving to step into the cave and take a look around for himself. Ryder stepped up to block his path, not letting the younger warrior get around him.
"There is nothing in there for us," he replied, his tone harder, almost rough. When Lincoln didn't immediately step away, his brow pulled down further, a look of warning appearing in his eyes. "This place is not for us to be. We do not have the right to look around. Now turn around: we have a trail to follow and an enemy to find."
"Klark is my friend," Lincoln almost growled, trying to keep his tone steady. "If there is something in there that can help us find her, I need to see it."
"Wanheda means much to all of us," Ryder told him, taking a single step forward without looking away or allowing Lincoln to see around him. "I will not allow anyone else to enter a place that is hers. I should not have come in either. Now turn around: we have too much distance to close already, and our enemy only gets farther away the longer we stand here."
Lincoln considered trying to argue more, but he knew the other man was right. Finally he gave in, nodding once, and turned around. Ryder followed him, stepping down next to him, and the moment he did Lincoln couldn't help but take a quick look over his shoulder now that the entrance to the cave was clear. It was too dark inside to make out much, but he thought he saw broken plates and torn fabric not far from where Ryder had been standing. Clenching his jaw hard, he turned back around, deciding he really didn't want to see anymore of what the inside of the cave looked like. If Clarke's captors had been there, which it seemed clear they had, it was probably best if he never knew what had been done to this place.
Together he and Ryder moved back over to Ashi and Jynt, and the moment they were all together again they found the trail that led away from the corpse and the cave, jogging after it back into the woods.
/
Clarke didn't even try to sleep that night. Eventually, once the tears stopped rolling down her cheeks, she managed to pick herself up off the floor and move over to the bed, but once there she simply sat on it, her back leaning against the wall. Knees drawn up to her chest, she wrapped her arms around them, trying to force herself to remain whole, trying to keep herself from falling apart completely. Her knees stung, the repeated abuse they'd been dealt over the past few days obvious whenever she moved, but she ignored the pain. She deserved it, deserved the sting, the hurt, deserved much more than what she felt in that moment, because she knew she was going to do the thing she'd never thought she could: she was going to betray Lexa. Her fingers clenched painfully at her thighs just at the thought, fingers pressing so harshly against them she could feel the bruises forming, but she didn't let up. All the self-loathing, the hatred she'd felt against herself that she thought she'd managed to let go of came roaring back at her, and as the night ticked by she listened to the voices in her head, remembered every terrible thing she had allowed to happen in such short months. She'd been responsible for countless deaths, been the reason that so many innocent people died, and now she was about to do something so much worse than anything she'd done yet. So she just sat there, allowing the thoughts to swirl around her head as her heart stopped in her chest, and she just looked out the window, barely even blinking as the night dragged on.
The black of the night slowly morphed, almost imperceptibly brightening, and soon the black turned to gray and gray turned to violet and pink as the sun rose, and then a brilliant blue took over the sky, barely a cloud in sight as the world woke up. Clarke could hear birds chirping outside her room, saw a few flick by her window, and heard the village around her wake up. She couldn't see anything from her spot on the bed other than the sky through the window, but she could hear people start moving around below, many talking or shouting, others simply moving around, enjoying the beauty of the morning.
It wasn't right. None of it was right, Clarke couldn't help but think. There shouldn't be anything beautiful on a day like this. The sky should be gray, almost black with clouds. A terrible storm should be blowing. Nothing as innocent as birds should be singing, there shouldn't be any movements in the streets below. Everything should be dark, everything should be sombre, threatening. On the day that she betrayed Lexa, the world should be just as dark as her heart felt.
The morning had to be at least half over by the time Clarke heard the sounds she'd been dreading since the moment she made her decision. Footsteps stopped on the other side of her door, and then she heard it being pushed open, but she didn't look over. Tears threatened once again to spill from her eyes, but she didn't let them; she didn't deserve them. She ignored them just as she ignored whoever had opened her door, refusing to look anywhere but at the window she hadn't stopped staring out of for hours. She heard someone march into her room, saw their shape take form out of the corner of her eyes, but still she didn't look. A pair of hands grabbed her by the arm and yanked, forcing her off of the bed and onto her feet. Even then she didn't look around, didn't try to see who it was that pulled at her, instead just letting her eyes drop to the floor as she stood. She'd been beaten, she knew it, been beaten by Lexa's greatest enemy, and she found she didn't have the strength, the courage to even try to hold her head up. When her captor pulled on her arm, she just stepped forward, not even trying to fight it.
They left the room and Clarke felt a second set of hands curl around her other arm, but still she didn't look up. She let the two guards lead her down the hall, down the stairs and then out of the building. As they walked through the streets, she could feel countless pairs of eyes turn to her just as they had the day before, but this time she didn't turn to meet them. This time she just walked, letting herself be led to the woman who she had chosen to betray the person who meant the most to her to.
It was only by the distance and the few details she could make out from the corners of her eyes that she knew her captors led her into the same large building she'd met Nia in the day before. They stopped at the same large doors and once again waited for them to open, except this time Clarke just let her eyes fall closed when they reached it. She didn't open them when she heard the doors open, didn't open them as she was led into the room and to the same spot where she'd stood the day before when she'd first heard Nia's proposal. It made sense, she thought, that she be standing in the same spot when she accepted it.
She felt the two guards release her and heard them lower themselves to their knees behind her, but this time no one forced her to do the same. She considered bowing of her own accord, knowing that she might as well get used to it, but her knees locked, refusing to allow her to. Her mind told her what she had to do, but her body refused to give in so easily, so she didn't fight it. Nevertheless, her eyes remained closed, even as she felt Nia's already on her. She thought she could feel the queen's mirth, thought she could sense the fact that Nia already knew what her answer would be, but she didn't look at her to be sure. If she was going to turn on Lexa, she couldn't look into her enemy's eyes while she did it.
"Well Clarke?" she heard Nia call out, her tone carefully controlled, but even so she could hear the smug curl of her lips in her words. "It is time for you to make a decision. Will you sentence your people to death, or will you turn on your love?"
She probably hadn't meant to say it that way. Maybe it had been a slip of the tongue, maybe her English wasn't really as good as it seemed, or maybe she'd gotten too cocky, reading Clarke's choice in the way the blonde had entered the room, the way her head was down, how her eyes were closed. She couldn't have meant to say the word, but she did, and the moment she did Clarke's heart began to beat once again.
Love. It was a thought, a feeling, Clarke hadn't allowed herself to think about since Finn's death. Not in the romantic sense, at least. Not in the, I love you, sense. Not in the, You mean everything to me, and I would die for you, sense. It was a simple four letter word that had never in the history of human existence been simple, and now Nia had spoken it, had released it into being. She'd freed the thought that had been bound under lock and key, hidden away in the deepest recesses of Clarke's mind, of her heart for fear of what the acknowledgment of it might mean. She'd let it out, and now the word grew, morphing through Clarke's being into something entirely new.
Did she love Lexa? She cared for her, yes, but did she love her?
Questions had been haunting Clarke for months now. The question of survival. The question of whether any of the things she had done, the choices she had made were the right ones. The question of what now and what next, of what was right and what was wrong and whether the world could ever really be that black and white. The question of whether or not she deserved to be breathing when she had been responsible for too many last breaths. The questions had jumbled up, one on top of another, digging into her mind and her skin, never too far from her thoughts, and she'd never found the answers to any of them. No matter how hard she searched, those questions, those answers, plagued her as much now as they did when she first wondered them. She couldn't answer those questions, and maybe it was because of that that she was so shocked that the answer to the question Nia presented her rang so clearly through her mind.
Yes.
Yes, she loved Lexa.
Yes, somewhere along the way, when Clarke wasn't looking or wasn't allowing herself to look, the care she felt for the other girl had morphed into something so much more.
Yes, Lexa meant everything to her.
Yes, she would die for Lexa.
And no.
"No," Clarke murmured, so quietly she wasn't sure even the guards behind her could hear her. Her eyes opened, head lifting, feeling her shoulders set as her heart raced inside her chest. Her entire body was coming alive again after shutting down, and the sudden tingling in her fingertips grew, spreading out to the rest of her. A warmth bubbled up from her chest, leaking into her limbs and up her neck, and it nearly shocked her as much as it did Nia when she grinned. The queen's posture stiffened on her throne as Clarke met her look, and the blonde watched as her eyes narrowed. "I will never turn against Lexa," she added, her voice getting louder, tone strong enough to ring out around her. "I don't care what you do to me: you can torture me, you can kill me, but nothing you do will ever be enough to make me betray her."
"You sentence your people to death with this decision," Nia tried to remind her, fingers noticeably clenching tightly around the arms of her throne. Clarke just felt her grin grow at the words, a defiance she wasn't sure she'd ever felt before racing through her.
"You'll never beat Lexa," she told the queen, lifting her chin higher. "No matter what happens to me, she will beat you. She is the Commander, the only Commander, and you don't stand a chance against her, let alone her army. You can kill me maybe, but you won't kill her, and I will never help you try. So you can go float yourself."
Nia studied her for a minute, eyes scanning across Clarke's face, reading the set defiance there. After a moment she seemed to relax, her shoulders slouching back ever so slightly as her fingers let up on their grip to her throne. She shrugged, a cool expression growing once again across her face, and simply told the blonde, "Very well." Lifting her hand, she gave a little gesture, and suddenly Clarke felt two strong grips take hold of her arms again, this time forcing them painfully behind her back. She didn't fight back against them, only raised her chin higher, continuing to hold Nia's stare. "You have made your choice, Klark kom Skaikru," the queen informed her, her tone almost light. "But whether you wish to or not, you will tell me what I want to know. Even if I must force the answers out of you. You have decided. Teik em we!"
The set of guards pulled roughly at her arms, forcing her to turn away from the queen, but she managed to hold the woman's cold gaze until she couldn't see her anymore. They pushed against her, one pushing hard enough that she fell forward, catching herself on one knee, but even as the pain erupted along her leg, she kept her expression controlled. She had made her choice, Nia was right, and she would stick to her decision until she was either dead or free.
She was pushed forcefully back out into the street, except this time as they moved Clarke kept her head up, fiercely meeting the eyes of anyone who looked at her. Most of the people they passed hurriedly looked away when meeting her eyes, but a few held the gaze. Walking by a small building, she saw Nadia, and when the young healer looked at her, neither of them looked away until Clarke was forced to keep moving forward.
The guards didn't lead her back to the building she'd been kept in the previous night. Instead they led her away from the center of the village, back towards the coast, and Clarke's eyes widened when she looked ahead and realized they were moving towards the tall tower she'd first seen when Maloch and Jojesh and their group of warriors had brought her to the village. It stood now in front of her, looking even taller and more imposing, but she didn't let it faze her. She noticed that this building appeared to be whole except for the broken glass around its highest floor, with no holes or windows that she could see anywhere else along its length. A single metal door stood before them, a lit torch on either side of it, and a single guard stood in front of it. His eyes swept over Clarke and the two guards holding her, and then he stepped to the side, opening the door. Its hinges squeaked as it moved, and in the darkness inside Clarke could make out a shifting light. Her guards forced her forward again and together they stepped into the dark.
The inside of the building was a single, high room. Stone, still whole even after all these years, lined the inside of the small circular room, and a few torches lined its interior, their little flames leaping and pushing against the intense darkness inside. No natural lighting filtered in from anywhere, and in the flickering firelight Clarke could see a long winding metal staircase in the center of the room. Her eyes swept up it, noticing the chipped white paint and rusted patches that stood out on some of the steps and along areas of the railing that circled up to the ceiling. It was too dark inside, the torches not high enough to see where the stairs led to.
Forcing her gaze away from the stairs, Clarke looked around the walls and nearly shuddered, but managed to hold it back. Shackles lined the base of the walls, too many for how small the room was, and a number hung from the sides of the walls as well. She even saw a few hanging from the winding staircase, and couldn't help but wonder just how many people had spent their last few days of their lives in this cramped place. One of her guards pushed against her again and she stepped forward, eyes still sweeping around, and they were drawn suddenly to a bit of movement. She continued forward, letting her guards guide her to where she was going, but she focused on the form curled up against the wall across from where Clarke was being led. The form shifted, and suddenly a face appeared in the dancing light of the torches. The light wasn't enough to see by, but she could feel a set of dark eyes following her.
Her guards pulled her to a stop and one released his hold on her while the second only tightened his. With very little effort on their part, Clarke felt a metal shackle snap into place along her ankle, the guard giving it a quick tug to make sure it was secure. The tug forced her ankle to move, the leg almost moving out from under her, but the guard still holding her kept her up when otherwise she might have fallen. Giving a satisfied nod, the guard bent by her leg stood up, dusting off his hands as he moved. The other guard released his grip on her, taking a step back, and then the only thing holding her in place was the shackle around her ankle. She tried to take a step, barely putting any effort into it, and was unsurprised when the manacle held her in place.
"Do not bother, Sky girl," the guard who had secured it to her leg told her. "You will not be going anywhere."
"You should have taken the queen's offer," the second guard informed her, shaking his head. She didn't bother giving him a response, instead just lifted her head higher. He shook his head a second time. "You are a fool," he just said, and then turned to his partner. "Let's go." They both gave her one more look and then turned around, quickly making their way over to the door. As soon as they were gone it swung shut behind them and the darkness grew around Clarke, the flickering light of the torches the only thing keeping it back.
"He is right; you should have taken whatever offer the queen gave you," she heard a soft voice tell her from the far side of the room. Clarke looked through the spaces in the winding metal staircase, barely making out the young woman's face that matched with the voice. Sitting down carefully to try to avoid injuring her knees again, Clarke leaned back against the stone behind her, letting her head fall back lightly against it. She looked up at the pitch dark above her and felt her lips curl up into a small smile.
"No," she told the girl across from her as well as herself, "No I shouldn't have. I made the right choice. And I'd make it again."
The girl said nothing, and Clarke felt her eyelids begin to fall. The moment they closed, she fell into a deep sleep, the kind she hadn't had for days.
/
Raven felt Thom's little body sag against her front, clearly having passed out. She couldn't help the grin from pulling at her lips, even as she tightened her arms around him to make sure he wouldn't fall off the horse. He'd held out for a while, but after traveling for almost twenty-four hours to catch up with them, she wasn't at all surprised he fell asleep as quickly as he did. She looked to her left to see if Reese had fallen asleep too, but found the young girl sitting in front of Taigon, her back rigid and brow pulled down into something caught between a scowl and a pout. Seeing the expression, Raven's grin fell away, her own brow furrowing, and Taigon must have noticed. She saw his eyes flicker to her and then down to the little girl sitting in front of them, and he shifted, holding his reins in one hand in front of her.
"Would you like to hold the reins, Reese?" he asked her, their horse close enough that Raven could hear the genuine tone in his voice. The girl just shook her head, still staring out in front of her. The mechanic followed her line of sight right to the Commander's back, riding a few yards in front of them, far enough away that Raven knew she couldn't hear them. Taigon didn't look away from the girl, but Raven heard him let out a small sigh before his arms fell slightly, each hand wrapping around the reins once again.
"Do not take Heda's words to heart, Reese," he murmured to the girl, and that made her look up at him, the confusion on her face obvious even as her scowl deepened.
"She said I'm foolish," she told him, hurt obvious in her voice. "She told me I'm not one of her people and that I'm foolish for coming. But I just want to help find Clarke. She needs me: how come Heda doesn't know that?"
Raven looked at the two of them out of the corner of her eyes. She didn't really understand the kid's devotion to the Commander, but it was clear she'd been hurt by the Grounder's words. Eyes skimming over the Commander's back again, she tried not to let her grip on the reins tighten, but even so the horse beneath her fidgeted for a moment and she had to tear her gaze away from the woman who had betrayed them to focus on her riding, something she was far from used to.
"Heda knows why you came, Reese," she heard Taigon tell her quietly. Looking over again, Raven saw him looking at the Commander as well, but she was shocked to see worry in his eyes. She didn't understand why anyone would need to worry about the woman who commanded an army. "She understands your worry for Clarke and understands that you feel it is your responsibility to find her."
"Then why is she mad at me?" Reese asked him, her fingers curling into fists before one hand reached down to brush against the hilt of the sword they'd strapped to Taigon's saddlebags. "Why did she yell at me?"
To be fair, Raven thought, the Commander hadn't yelled at her, per se, but she got where the kid was coming from. For someone who clearly worshiped the ground the other woman walked on, she could see how the Grounder's words had hurt Reese so much. Again she took a quick look at the woman riding in front of them all, and then let her eyes flicker back over to her riding companions, running over the other Grounder. He appeared more composed, less rough than most of the Grounders she'd met, and other than the clothes he wore and the few braids mixed into the long hair that was pulled back out of his face, he might have even been able to pass as an Arker. His head lifted up to look at the Commander, and Raven had to immediately take the thought back: there was something about the way he held himself, back perfectly straight and head held up, that she hadn't seen in any Arker before.
"Heda is not mad at you, Reese," he promised the girl quickly, something flashing across his face too quickly for Raven to analyze as he looked at the Commander. "She is just worried about Clarke. When she worries, it is harder for her to keep her patience." He tightened his arms around the young girl in front of him, looking down at her while she looked back at him, and gave her a small smile. "And now that you and Thom are here, she is worried about both of you as well. It is dangerous, what we are going to do, and she does not want either of you to get hurt. Plus our people are at odds, so even just traveling together is dangerous."
Raven noticed Reese roll her eyes as she said, "Yeah, cause Skaikru are dumb." The mechanic raised her eyebrows at her, giving her a look.
"Excuse you, but no one has ever accused me of being dumb before, thank you very much," she informed the girl, watching her duck her head just for a moment at being heard. Her eyes flickered back up to Taigon and then to the Grounder warrior riding not far behind him on his other side, and she added more seriously, "Besides, it's not exactly like we have no reason so be pissed. Your Commander did just leave us at Mount Weather to defend for ourselves without any warning. We trusted her and the rest of you, and because of that a bunch of us ended up taken by Wallace and tortured." Subconsciously, she rubbed at the spot on her good leg where she knew a scar would always be. She'd healed, but even now she could remember the excruciating pain as the drill had entered her flesh, could taste the blood in her mouth from when she'd bit the ear off of the asshole who strapped her to the table. Even now, months later, she still woke up in a cold sweat far too often, the whirl of a drill ringing in her ears as the phantom pain from her good leg mixed with the all too real pain of her bad one, making further sleep impossible.
"The Commander made her decision," the Grounder on Taigon's other side told her, barely looking at her. Instead his eyes were trained on his leader, his lips pursed but facial expression otherwise blank. For the briefest of moments he allowed his look to flicker to Raven, but almost immediately it returned to the Commander. "She does what is necessary for her people. Do not expect she will ever do differently."
"Walsh," Taigon murmured, an edge to his voice that clearly was meant as a warning not to start anything. The warrior looked at him, the skin along his forehead going tight as he met the younger man's look, a clear warning in the expression. Taigon just let out a sigh and shook his head before he turned back to Raven and Reese, both looking at him now. He met Raven's eyes and her single raised eyebrow, clearly waiting for him to try to defend the Commander, but instead he gave a small shrug of his shoulders before turning back to Reese.
"They are both right," he informed her, and Raven's eyes widened just a little. "Your people have a right to be angry. Two armies marched together to the Mountain, and then one marched away leaving the second behind. I do not doubt had the roles been reversed, my people would be just as furious." His head lifted, meeting Raven's look again, and she saw his expression harden just slightly. "But Walsh is correct as well: as Heda, as Commander, it is my sister's job to make sure her people are safe. That is precisely what she did when she marched her army away from Mount Weather. Whether it is what she wished to do makes no difference. She did her duty, protected her people, just as she has always done. Now she marches again to protect us while having to balance out two armies that distrust each other. She worries about everyone who follows her, knowing it is her responsibility to keep us all safe, and she knows there is no guarantee she will be able to." He looked back down at Reese, his tone softening as he added, "That is why she was upset when you and Thom showed up, Reese. It is not that she is angry at you, but worried for you. You are here because you wish to help find Clarke, but all she can think of is that you have chosen to march into war with the rest of us, and that she will do everything in her power to protect you."
"But she said I'm not one of her people," Reese pointed out, even though her tone had gone quiet, sounding almost awe stricken. He reached to her waist, tapping gently against the knife she always kept there. "She gave you this," he reminded her. "She taught you how to fight, helped Clarke save you and your people: she feels responsible for you, no matter which group you belong to."
Reese went quiet, her gaze returning to the Commander riding before them, and Raven couldn't help but follow the look. She studied the woman's back, the cogs turning in her head. She'd never been able to think about the Grounder leader as anything other than the enemy and then the ally that turned against them, but now she could feel something shifting. She didn't like her still, nor did she trust her, not by a long shot, but as her eyes scanned along the young woman's back, she couldn't help but think that maybe she understood her a little more now. It didn't change anything, not really, but she thought that maybe it could. Eventually.
She shifted in the saddle, thoughts turning over in her head as her arms once again tightened slightly around the little body in front of her. She was so lost in her thoughts she didn't notice that Thom's eyes had opened, and that now he was studying the Commander just as thoroughly as the rest of them.
/
Nobody tried to stop Lexa as she walked towards the darkness in front of her, stopping just at the edge of where the light of the fires flickering behind her melded into the black. Once she'd stopped her armies so that they could all get a couple of hours of rest, she stuck around just long enough to make sure the unease between her people and the Skaikru wouldn't grow into anything more, and the moment the various tents and sleeping arrangements between the two had been set up, she'd given whatever orders she needed to give and then marched away. She could hear people behind her, could hear the movement and talking as her warriors settled down for some much needed rest, but she herself simply stood, staring into the dark.
Another day gone. Another day wasted, another day of endless travel, and still she knew she was no closer to finding Clarke. The more time that went by, the more she felt as though she were wading through mud up to her thighs. They had covered a great distance, but not enough, not as much as she wanted. She didn't want to stop, didn't want to slow down, didn't want to do anything but run after the trail. She wanted to keep going, keep moving, never stop until either Clarke or her enemy were in front of her. If it was Clarke she found first, she would pull her close, hold her so tightly that they might as well be one person, and would swear to the blonde to never let go. She would give Clarke anything she asked of her, make any promise she wished and would hold to it, just so long as Clarke never left her sight again. If it was her enemy she found first, she wouldn't stop until their blood dripped from her hands just as it did from her sword, wouldn't stop until they were in pieces at her feet, and when they begged for mercy she would show them none. They would die, first one by one and then in twos and threes if needed, until she'd drenched the earth with their blood, and then she would find Clarke and hold her close and make any promise to her she wanted. She would destroy the entire nation and then swear to Clarke to keep her safe.
Somewhere in the dark before her was everything she wanted to do, but behind her was what she needed to do: she needed to think of her people, her warriors, and she needed to keep her people from attacking the Skaikru or vice versa. She needed to keep the peace even though all she wanted was to spill the blood of her enemies, and the dueling emotions that caused inside her was beginning to give her a headache. Or perhaps the ache in her chest had simply grown powerful enough to spread to her head, and it was this hurt that stung just behind her forehead. She didn't know, nor could she focus on it long enough to care. All she could focus on, all she could think about, was the darkness in front of her and the pain she knew waited for her somewhere far away in it. She knew that pain, when she finally reached it, would be far greater than anything she felt now.
"Heda?"
She stiffened, not having heard anyone approach, and silently cursed herself. Now was not the time to get sloppy. Now was not the time to allow her emotions to control her or allow them to distract her. She had to be Heda, had to focus on her people and her surroundings, and staring into the darkness in front of her clearly was not allowing that. So she took a silent, deep breath, and then turned around, none of the emotions she felt inside showing on her face. Her eyes trailed down, finding Thom standing only a couple of feet away, fidgeting as he watched her.
"Yes Thom?" she asked, raising an eyebrow at him. "Shouldn't you be asleep? You have traveled a long way and must be tired."
For a moment he simply looked up at her, his eyes moving across her face, and her brow creased, unsure of what to do or say as he clearly studied her. She was not used to this: few of her own people dared to openly study her for so long. Most of them would look away not long after meeting her eyes, even if just to bow to her. Children, she'd found, were more likely to stare up at her, yes, but those of her own people usually only smiled at her, pressed a picked flower into her hand and then ran away, or pulled at her hand to have her follow so that they could show her some little trick they had learned to try to impress her. She loved the displays, always, but this she wasn't used to.
"Thom?" she repeated, even less used to needing to repeat herself. Still he didn't say anything, but this time he took a few steps forward and then quickly wrapped his arms around her legs, pressing his face into the side of her thigh. Shocked, she simply stood there frozen for a moment, unsure what to do. After a few seconds he pulled back and then looked back up at her, crooking his finger at her. Still unsure, she knelt down so that she was at eye level with him, and he grinned at her as he reached out to her, grabbing her arms.
"Don't be worried, Heda," he told her, his voice quiet but clear. "We're gonna find Clarke. And we'll save her, just like she saved us. She's real strong: nothing hurts her."
Lexa's jaw dropped, mouth opening just enough to part her lips as her eyes ran across the little boy's face. He continued to grin at her, his fingers digging into the sleeves of her jacket as he clearly tried to comfort her even more. When she didn't say anything, unable to find any words, he just added, "Member? She took on a bear: nobody can hurt her! And me'n Reese have our knives and we been practicing, so we're okay too. You don't gotta worry 'bout us. We're gonna help you save Clarke, and then we'll all go back home and she'll keep teaching us. Right?" His eyes lit up then, his fingers clenching even more tightly around her arms. "And maybe now you can come see us! You n' Clarke'll be able to teach us more, and maybe we can have story time too? Like back at the library! Clarke'll be safe, and things'll be okay again."
The Commander's heart clenched painfully in her chest, as though the boy's grip were on it and not her arms. She wanted it to be true; she could easily picture everything he mentioned. Standing with Clarke beside her, their young warriors before them, all learning something new with their knives or bows. Thom making himself comfortable in Clarke's lap as she read to them from one of the books she'd taken from the library, Lexa sitting beside her while Reese leaned against her, the other children sitting in front of them, their eyes all glazed over from the images the stories brought to life in their minds. She and Clarke simply walking along while their little army of child-warriors trailed along behind them, both girls trying to hold back their grins as the children all puffed out their chests. Clarke laughing as she ran around, Thom clutching at her back and squealing with joy as Reese chased both of them or as they chased her, all three unable to focus on anything but their fun. The images, the memories, all flickered through her mind, and a hard lump formed in the back of her throat, burning it as she tried to breathe around it.
She'd spent the past week thinking primarily of her own pain, her own heart breaking at the thought of what she was sure would be at the end of the path they now followed. What she hadn't thought about, what hadn't been able to push past her own fear and grief, was what this would do to Reese and Thom. She'd thought of the Skaikru as a whole, of course, thought of how this would effect them, but those thoughts had mostly been in regards to how it would effect them towards her own people, about whether or not she was going to end one war and then another would simply spring up in the wake of what they found. Reese and Thom, and what Clarke's loss would do to them, she hadn't thought of.
The lump still burning in her throat, Lexa reached out and gently pulled the little boy against her. His arms wrapped immediately around her neck, all but latching onto her, and she allowed hers to circle around him in return. She felt his little face press against her neck, felt his grin against her skin, and it only made her heart wail. She pressed back, letting her eyes fall closed as his bushy hair tickled against her cheek, and forced the wetness she could feel forming at the corners of her eyes back. She swallowed thickly, fighting to maintain control of her emotions, and pulled back just a bit, just enough to look at him. His head lifted up, the same innocent, sure grin on his face, and the guilt in her gut only hardened.
"Would you like to keep watch with me, Thom?" she asked him, pretending that had been her purpose there all along and not just staring into the dark and thinking about what was waiting for her. His grin widened and he nodded quickly, his hold simply tightening around her neck, and she returned the nod. As he clearly had no desire to let go, she lifted him up, supporting his weight against her as she stood. She didn't care if any of her people looked over to see their Heda holding the young Sky boy, simply held him tighter as his head lowered back against her shoulder.
She stood there for a long time with the little boy in her arms, mind whirling even as she tried to keep her heartbeat under control. Before long his breathing evened out, sleep taking over his tired frame, and she tried to focus on his even breaths to keep herself grounded. Fear gripped at her, as though fingers of ice held tightly to every inch of her, but she simply wrapped her arms tighter around Thom, and without even realizing it she found herself gently swaying with him. A fresh wave of hurt crashed through her chest as she realized the motion was familiar, memories of her mother holding her the same way hitting her before she could brace herself for them. She fought down the sob that threatened to escape her throat, clenched her jaw until she could fight every emotion back, bottle it all up in her gut where it needed to remain until she had the freedom to let it all out. She tried to ignore the part of her that reminded her she might never have that kind of freedom.
Focused on Thom and trying to keep her emotions in check, this time she heard the approaching footsteps behind her, but she didn't turn around. She kept her eyes trained forward, barely seeing what was in front of her until she heard, "Lexa?" At her name, she closed her eyes for the briefest of moments before opening them again, feeling her spine straighten without her needing to tell it to.
It had been Taigon who had spoken to her, but as she turned she saw that he wasn't alone. Reese stood on one side of him, looking almost shyly up at her, while Raven stood beside her. The older Sky girl's eyes swept quickly over her, her brow creasing only slightly as she took in Thom's sleeping form held against her chest, his head still nearly buried into her neck. Lexa met her look, showing her no hint of her own thoughts, before she looked at her brother.
"Taigon," she said to him in greeting. "What do you need?"
"We were looking for the kid, actually," Raven told her, nodding to Thom, and after a brief pause Taigon nodded his agreement.
"I'm sorry he was bugging you, Heda," Reese murmured quietly, her eyes quickly moving down and away from Lexa's. "I'll keep a better eye on him so he doesn't do it again."
"He did not bother me, Reese," Lexa informed the young girl, her tone much softer than it had been the last time she spoke to her. "Neither of you have ever bothered me." The girl's head whipped up, eyes bright as her lips immediately turned up into a large grin. Lexa couldn't quite bring herself to return the grin, but she did allow the girl a small nod. Eyes moving to Raven, any emotion that may have escaped was quickly pushed away again, and she raised her brow at the older Sky girl. "However, I do think you should both try to get some sleep. Preferably beneath a blanket or two."
Raven got the message and stepped forward, Lexa moving to meet her. Carefully they transferred the sleeping boy into the other girl's arms, Thom not making a peep as he was switched from one to the other. He curled up against her similarly to how he'd curled against Lexa, and then the Sky girl stepped back, shuffling slightly for a moment as her damaged leg got used to the extra weight in her arms. As soon as he was settled, she reached down with her free hand and touched Reese's shoulder, telling her, "C'mon Reese, time to get some shut eye." The girl shot one more look to Lexa and then nodded, and together they turned to walk away.
As they moved, Lexa's gaze was drawn to something on Reese's back, and she couldn't help the sharp intake of breath as her heart restricted painfully in her chest. Clearly the sound was loud enough to be noticed, as they all looked back at her, different kinds of confusion ranging along their faces. Swallowing thickly, she lifted her chin, unable to rip her gaze from the object as she called out, "The sword. It is..."
"Clarke's, yeah," Reese admitted, looking sheepish for a minute as she reached behind her back and gently touched the scabbard hanging there. The weapon was so long it nearly dragged along the ground. "I know I'm probably not supposed to have it, but nobody else got it before they left, and she might need it when we find her. So, you know, I got it for her."
She hadn't noticed it before. Silently, Lexa cursed at herself, because she should have noticed it already. These were the kinds of things that she, as Heda, was supposed to notice. She was supposed to notice everything, and the fact she hadn't noticed this only proved to her how little she'd been paying attention to those around her. All she'd been able to think about was Clarke, and because of that she was missing details, missing important pieces of information she needed to have. She needed to get a grip on herself, or the next thing she missed might lead to the death of her people.
"You were wise," she simply said to Reese, not letting her own berating thoughts known to those in front of her. "It was very smart to bring it, and you were right that she may need it."
The compliment made the little girl's grin grow, her entire face lighting up for a moment before she frowned. "Should I give it to you?" she asked, reaching as though to remove it from her back. "Do you wanna hold on to it until we find Clarke?"
Lexa's eyes jumped back to the hilt of the sword just as her heart jumped in her chest. Her mouth went dry, emotions once again battling within her, but she merely gave the girl a single shake of her head.
"No," she told her, "No, you are her Second: it should be you who carries her weapon until she can once again carry it." She wouldn't tell them, any of them, that just the thought of touching the weapon she had given to Clarke so long ago now only made her heart break further than it already was. Reese just nodded, her expression turning serious as her grip on the big weapon tightened.
After that, Lexa didn't stop them when Raven and Reese turned again to leave, Thom still sleeping against Raven's shoulder. She watched them go, felt the ball of anguish twist once again like a knife in her gut, but held her head up high. Her brother remained behind, watching the Skaikru leave, and once they had he turned to her, his eyes scanning over her quickly. She met his look, simply lifting her chin higher, and watched as he let out a deep sigh.
"Come on," he said to her, gesturing for her to follow him. "I had some of the warriors prepare your tent."
"I will stay right here," she argued, giving him no indication of following as he wanted. He turned to her, his brow pulled down, and told her, "Lexa, you need to sleep. You cannot keep spending every night staring into the woods and waiting for morning." She clenched her jaw stubbornly, showing no signs of backing down, and he stepped closer to her, closing the distance between them. His tone went quiet, but no less serious as he asked, "When was the last time you slept? Have you even done so at all since you found out about Clarke?" He scanned her face, seeing the answer hidden in her eyes. "You cannot keep going like this, Leksa," he informed her, the worry easily edging into his tone. "You need to sleep, need to take care of yourself." Still she said nothing, made no move to go anywhere, and he let out a frustrated sigh. "If you won't take care of yourself for you, then you need to do it for your people. If you are weak, then we are weak, and Naia will crush a weak army without even needing to try."
The threat to her people and of Nia's victory worked where care for herself hadn't, just as he'd known it would. Lexa pursed her lips, barely able to contain a sudden flare of anger at the mention of her enemy, the woman who had caused all of this, but just as quickly as it sprung up, it flickered out, and with it so did any semblance of strength she'd been trying to show. Her shoulders drooped, her spine bending out of its usual rigid column, and she felt the absolute exhaustion sink into her bones. Without a word she just nodded, giving in, and Taigon reached out, wrapping one arm around her waist and pulling her close. She allowed her body to sink against his, allowed her eyes to fall shut as her head bumped against his shoulder. In a moment she would stand back up straight and would walk back into the camp. She would do as he asked and go to her tent and would get the sleep she hadn't been able to even think about for days, but for a moment, just a second, she allowed herself to rest against one of the only people she trusted enough to see her like this.
She just hoped he wouldn't be the only one left, when this was all over.
/
They'd been traveling the majority of a full day after finding the cave, finding nothing but some hoof prints, a few footprints, and the occasion horse dropping to lead them to believe they were still on the right trail. The group they followed was smart, obviously trackers themselves who knew how to leave as little a trail as possible, and as far as Lincoln was concerned, it was becoming increasingly more frustrating. He knew what awaited Clarke, and couldn't help but feel like he was failing her with every hour that went by they had to spend searching for the trail after losing it.
Jynt was the one to find the rest spot. They'd had to split up and spread out after losing the trail for the second time in as many hours, but when they heard him make the call they'd all agreed on at the beginning of their journey, the other three had all gone running to catch up with him. When they found him, they also found the many hoof prints, the jumbled footprints of the many warriors who had needed to get down from their saddles for one reason or another, that clearly marked the area as a stopping spot for the party they followed. The four had gone to work, taking in every detail they could and leaving their mark for the Commander and her army to follow, and had been about to move once again, follow the new trail they found, when Ryder looked to Lincoln and gestured to him. He knelt beside a tree, the snow at its base packed in one specific spot, and Lincoln's brow pulled down as he moved over to join him. Eyes looked up just for a moment to catch his, and then Ryder looked back at the base of the tree, his hand reaching out to point at something.
"Chek," he simply said, and Lincoln followed his arm, scanning the tree until he saw it. The moment he did, his eyes widened. Ryder's hand moved, his fingers gingerly pressing against the small circled X, and when he pulled them away a bit of the chalk stuck to them. "Wanheda."
"Clarke," Lincoln breathed, his lips turning up into a small grin.
Finally.
Wow, okay, so the response I got back after the last chapter was kind of amazing! It was really interesting to see the different opinions people had on Clarke and the proposal Nia gave her. Some people were dead set against it, others seemed to think that she could do it but she shouldn't, while others thought she had every right to take it and she could use it to her advantage. Reading them all was just so much fun for me!
But anyway, I hope you all like or at least can understand why she answered the way she did. Because, you know, she kinda loves Lexa. Which, you know, until this chapter she'd never let herself think about before. So thanks Nia for bringing that up. ;) As always, love to hear your thoughts and hope you enjoyed the chapter (also, for those of you who have told me you're sick of Skaikru acting all high and mighty and righteous, I was thinking of you when I wrote Reese's line, "Yeah, cause Skaikru are dumb." I hope she spoke for all of you well enough in her nine/ten-year old vernacular).
Trigedasleng Translations:
"Natrona. Chek," - "Traitor. Look,"
"Teik em we!" - "Take her away!"
"Chek," - "Look,"
