Stay with Me

Pain and Love

Casey was suffering from agonising stomach pain as the last of the infusion entered his body the next day. The side effects were always worse after the chemotherapy had been running for a few days, and he had almost completed the fifth twenty-four hour. His pain was so severe that by the time the infusion had finished late in the morning, one of the doctors came along to examine his abdomen. Casey had groaned as the cold gel touched his skin before the ultrasound made contact. His whole body was uncomfortable, and he was exhausted, but the pain was unbearable and preventing him from sleeping.

Severide never once left his side, even holding a heat pad over his stomach for some time. Fortunately, the ultrasound showed nothing wrong, even though they had been worried about some kind of blockage or perforation. Casey was sure there was something wrong but eventually the pain started to lessen, and he actually felt better after vomiting, although it had affected him with such force the NG tube came up, and it was a scary sight, seeing it dangling from his mouth.

"I'll get Catalina…" Severide let go of Casey's hand and slipped out of the room. He could have used the call button but he needed a quick breather. It was a difficult day and no matter how many times he saw Casey like this he would never get used to it. He practically laughed at himself as he went out to the nurse's station. Big tough squad lieutenant unable to cope with watching someone, his someone he hoped, vomit.

Catalina walked quickly into Casey's room and it didn't take her long to get him sorted as Severide hung back in the corridor.

"He ok?" he asked her when she closed Casey's door.

She nodded.

"Anything I can do for him?" he asked, already knowing the answer.

"Sorry, Kelly," she responded before heading back to the nurse's station. "We're keeping him as comfortable as we can."

Severide just nodded, steeling himself. Casey was lying on his side when he entered, his back facing the door. Severide walked around the bed so he could face him, and he sat down, taking his hand.

"Thought you'd had enough of me," Casey croaked out.

"Never."

A few hours later and Casey felt so much better that it was hard to believe how much pain he had been in before. Severide glanced across at him, smiling as he watched Casey laughing at the comedy show on the TV. The knot in his stomach had gone, feeling much more relaxed now Casey wasn't in pain. He couldn't stand seeing it, and had to push the thought of the possibility it could happen again to the back of his mind.

"Sorry about today," Casey said, offering Severide a small smile once the show ended.

He chuckled. "Of course you are," he responded. "I'm just glad you're feeling better now."

"Million times better," Casey confirmed. "I'm gonna shower and change…" he said, moving so he was sitting over the side of the hospital bed. He looked at Severide again. "You could go home and shower or… whatever if you want?"

"Not getting rid of me today," Severide replied. "Take your gown off…"

"What?" Casey's face was priceless as he gave Severide a somewhat surprised side-eyed look.

"I'm gonna stick the AquaGaurd on," he explained.

"Oh, right, yeah, thanks…"

"What d'you think I wanted to do?" Severide sniggered.

He shook his head, laughing too.

"Go shower, do you want Catalina?" Severide asked him.

"Should be fine… but if you hear a thud…"

"Don't joke," Severide responded.

Grinning now he responded. "You're so serious. Honestly, I really do feel so much better, better than I have since I was home."

"Really?"

"Really," he said, nodding.

In the small bathroom, clutching fresh clothes, Casey let out a shuddering breath, silent tears ran down his cheeks. He really did feel much better than he had earlier on, so he wasn't quite sure why he was feeling emotional. He just wanted to hold himself together for Severide's sake, he didn't want to be the needy one because it looked like Severide needed someone to lean on right now. He'd looked so worried even when Casey had insisted that he felt great now.

Severide gave the hospital room a quick tidy once he heard the jet of shower water, he swapped the sheets and throws on the bed for fresh ones, and sorted out the items strewn all over the swing table and on the side. He sat down again once he was done, then stood up again, pacing the room a little as he waited for Casey to finish in the bathroom. He was tempted to knock on the door and make sure he was all right but in reality, it had been less than ten minutes since he'd heard the shower start. He stuffed his hands in his pockets, took them out again, ran his hands through his hair, fidgeted, scrolled through his phone screen seeing messages he needed to reply to, put it back in his pocket, then finally sat back down.

When Casey exited the bathroom, he was met with Severide suddenly shooting upright from the chair. "Whoa, you'll make me dizzy…"

"Sorry," Severide said, shaking his head. His apologetic expression turned into a frown. "You're leaning on that doorframe pretty heavily."

"Yeah… may have over done it," he admitted.

Severide was by his side in an instant, helping him over to the bed.

"Wait, don't really wanna get into bed, spending most my life there at the moment," he spoke.

Severide smiled. "Let's get you cosied up on the chair then."

"Can just about walk on my own…" He felt Severide's grip on his waist loosen. "But this is nice… just in case… don't wanna go splat…" he said slowly as he walked over to the chair in the corner of the room.

Severide kept his arm securely around Casey's waist whilst taking his hand and helping him sit down. "Good?"

Casey nodded but Severide was already turning away, fetching a couple of blankets and some chunky socks. He bent down, slipping each sock expertly onto Casey's bare feet before proceeding to wrap him in blankets. He went back over to the side table, returning with one of the hats that made up Casey's growing collection.

With both hands wrapped securely by the blankets Casey let Severide position the hat onto his head, the thick brim rested just above his eyes and covered the tops of his ears. "It'll take me two hours to get to the toilet now," Casey commented, giving Severide a wide smile.

"Bet you're cosy though?" Severide asked him.

"I am," he responded.

Severide smiled at him, eyes shining as he gazed into Casey's.

A blush crept onto Casey's pale cheeks. "What?"

"You just look very…" Severide didn't finish though, Catalina walked into the room carrying a container of liquid feed.

They both turned their heads.

"Did I interrupt something?" she asked as she bustled over, rolling the feeding pump over from beside the bed. Casey was sick of seeing it, having spent a lot of his time attached to it whilst he'd been home. It was an essential piece of equipment at the moment and his weight was now holding steady.

Severide could see the happiness leave Casey's eyes. It broke his heart to see it.

"Please can it wait," Casey asked her quietly.

"Already held it off, Matt," she reminded him understandingly.

"I know but…"

"If your stomach starts to hurt again, I'll stop it, ok?"

"Ok… I guess," he responded, although Severide could tell he was definitely not ok with that idea.

"You've had some more antiemetics now, and this will be slow, shouldn't upset your stomach," she told him.

"But it might," Casey continued, looking at the patterned curtain, wanting to look anywhere but at Severide's face right now, because he knew how pathetic he sounded at the moment.

Severide almost couldn't bear to see Casey like this; afraid. He moved so he could catch Casey's eyes, they gazed at each other for a moment, Severide smiled beneath the surgical mask as he simply nodded encouragingly.

Catalina was already preparing the pump, shaking the container and turning it upside down, connecting it to the machine and then to Casey's NG tube.

Severide's small offer of encouragement had done very little to wipe the anxiety from Casey's face. He brought his hand to Casey's face, cupping the right side of his jaw. "You got through everything so far today, you can do this, it might hurt again, but if it does; it will stop. And I'm not leaving."

"Even if this scares me more than burning buildings?"

"I'm not leaving because it does scare you," he told Casey firmly.

Casey let out a small huff of laughter. "Probably won't even be that bad."

"Probably not," he agreed, dropping his hand away from Casey's face. "Besides, it's already started." He glanced at the pump beside the chair, he'd seen the liquid feed start to travel through the tube a few moments ago. He realised, much like all the tests and biopsies Casey was subjected to, the anticipation was more likely far worse than the actual process.

Catalina started to leave the room, but as she did an alarm started blaring out like none Casey had heard on the ward before, and she left in a hurry. Before his door shut Casey heard the words 'Code Blue' over the tannoy system.

"Kel…" his voice was small, hesitant and filled with worry.

"Someone's probably just fallen over," Severide responded.

Casey locked eyes with him, looking like a deer caught in headlights.

"Or they've gone into anaphylactic shock like you did," Severide suggested.

"Yeah… maybe…"

"You're not gonna die, Matt," Severide said resolutely.

"Can't say that," he responded.

"They're fixing you," Severide told him.

"They're trying to. No guarantees," he replied. "I… I just don't want it to happen here. If it ever does happen, I really don't want to be in a hospital… and I want it to be fast, I don't want to be conscious..."

Severide nodded, unable to find the right words to reply right away. "I suppose… I guess I would want the same."

He smiled a little. "Also… I don't want it to happen for a very long, not because of all this. Most the cancer is gone, I'm on the home stretch now, Kelly."

"Yeah, yeah, you are."

Casey realised he must have dozed off because when he opened his eyes the sky outside was darker and the food pump had been moved back to the side of the hospital bed. He moved a little, alerting Severide that he was awake.

"Hey, careful you're not on your bed," Severide warned him, putting down the magazine he'd been flipping through.

"You're still here? Did you sit on the stool the whole time?" he asked.

Severide nodded. "How's your stomach?"

"S'fine," he responded.

"Good," Severide said, smiling.

"Think I want to get into bed now though," he told Severide.

It didn't take Severide long to get Casey untangled from the blankets, so he could get up out of the chair and walk the short distance to the bed while Severide carried them, replacing them around him once he was lying down. "You're like a little burrito," Severide remarked, smiling down at him.

"What? Sloppy insides?" He chuckled, teasing Severide.

"I love it when you laugh like that," Severide commented.

Stopping himself from laughing so he could talk, Casey continued. "I love it when you smile like that, lights up your eyes… and when you sit on a stool for hours whilst I'm sleeping… why did you do that? Why didn't you use the bed?"

"Your blood count is low, didn't wanna wipe my clothes and my germs all over your bed," he responded, his heart racing from Casey's first comment.

"Wipe your clothes all over my bed? How do you sleep?" Casey asked, that soft chuckle leaving his lips again.

"Ok, so maybe I just wanted to be next to you," he admitted.

"Well, unless you've gained a couple hundred pounds this bed can take both of us…"

"Matt…" Severide began hesitantly. "Erm… I'm not sure it's the best idea…"

"But the other day we… we kissed, or was I dreaming that?"

"We did, but…"

"But," Casey repeated under his breath.

"I just want this… want us… I don't want you to regret this… when you're better," he tried to explain.

"Oh…"

"I'm sorry, it's for you more than me, I would happily…"

"You think I'm letting you get close because I'm sick?" Casey asked him. "Then why have you been here so much? I thought, maybe…"

"No… no… I do, I really do… I… like you a lot, Matt," he responded.

"Then get into the bed with me, because I've not stopped feeling the same way about you… I guess it was bad timing before…"

"No, I'm glad it happened before, I've not stopped feeling the same way about you either, even if I treated you like crap… I just want to make sure your reasons for doing this are…"

"Are real?" Casey continued. "I pushed you away a thousand times and you kept turning up… you're the only person ever in my life to just keep turning up, the only person who has ever… ever cared. I can't help but fall for that apparently…"

Severide smiled. "I think I might be worrying a little… panicking maybe about what I feel."

"That's ok," he responded.

"I like you a lot… more than friends…" Severide continued. "I love you, Matt."

"You…"

"It's ok, you don't have to say anything," Severide said, just smiling.

"No one's ever… you love me?"

"That so hard to believe?" Severide asked him. "I… erm… I tried to stop loving you, and I treated you like crap, I blamed you for Andy's death, but I never stopped feeling… things for you."

"Are you going to get into bed with me then? Not sure how much longer I can stay awake," he added.

"I've never done this before," Severide continued.

"I know," he responded.

"You don't mind?"

"That you've never been out with a guy before?" Casey asked him.

"Are we going out now?" he questioned.

"If going out means staying in this hospital room then yeah?"

"Ok," Severide said, nodding.

"Ok… this isn't out of pity, right?"

"Hate to break it to you, Matt, but the 'sick look' isn't something that turns me on," Severide told him.

"Erm… sorry…"

"Oh God, no… I didn't mean it like that… shit… I'm making a mess of this…"

"Maybe let's just sleep?" Casey asked him wearily. "Together."

Severide shut up and nodded, smiling as he stood up and carefully joined Casey on the bed. "I'm not hurting you, am I?"

Casey shook his head, he'd already closed his eyes and wrapped an arm around Severide's.

"Goodnight, Matty," he said, still smiling.

"I love you too," Casey muttered a few moments later as he drifted off to sleep.

Even tucked underneath all the blankets Casey was like a limpet in his sleep, attaching himself to Severide's side, and when he woke to find Catalina in the room he realised he was clutching a pillow not Severide's arm.

"Kelly had to pick Shay up, her car broke down, he'll be back in the morning," Catalina told him softly. "How are you feeling?"

"Just tired… he told me loves me," he added.

Catalina smiled. "He hangs around here more than the average boyfriend or family member."

"Guess his shift pattern helps with that…"

"I've seen the way he looks at you're when you're sleeping, he does love you," Catalina responded.

"Yeah, he does…" he said, letting out a small huff of laughter. "No idea why, but he does…"

"Now, I need you to drink more or you'll be attached to an IV again, all right?"

"All right."


The next morning Severide returned to Casey's hospital room. He'd woken early, unable to fall back to sleep because of all the thoughts running through his head so he headed to the gym, showered there and then made his way to the hospital with some fresh clothes for Casey, and the latest edition of the firefighting magazine he liked, he wanted to keep as up to date as possible with things. Although Casey found his concentration wondering easily, and he often read the same articles more than once without realising.

"How was he overnight?" he asked Catalina when she entered the room.

"Slept through it as far as I know," she told him. "He's struggling with his mouth, but he's getting along better with the kids mouthwash you got him."

Severide nodded. "Good, that's something at least. His counts today?"

"Low, don't think he'll be getting out of here soon, but he's being giving another transfusion," she responded.

"I better invest in some different board games then…"

"I'll see if I can get the Xbox in here for you guys later, how about that?"

"That does sound good… he'll thrash me at whatever game we play though, always beats me, don't ever play poker with him," he said, chuckling.

She grinned. "Thank you for warning me… he seemed happier than usual last night by the way," she added.

Severide's eyes narrowed. "He told you?"

"He did," she responded.

He smiled down at Casey who remained asleep throughout their whole conversation.

"I'll be back in later," Catalina said, gathering up her things and leaving the room.

Severide readjusted the sheets and blankets around Casey before settling down on the stool, grabbing one of the well-read magazines from the side, making a mental note to get some new ones, although he was sure it wasn't Casey who was reading them as he was spending most of his time sleeping. When he was a wake it was a struggle to concentrate on anything more than a light-hearted movie or show, and the odd episode of Hawaii Five-O. Maybe Severide would beat him on the Xbox after all.

He glanced at Casey, alarm ringing out in his chest when he saw the trickle of blood beneath his nose. He got into action immediately, pulling a wad of tissue from the box on the side to hold it beneath Casey's nose. He hit the call button. The blood wasn't flowing too quickly but it still quickly soaked the white tissue red.

Catalina wasn't worried about the nosebleed so she left Casey in Severide's capable hands, saying that he was happy to deal with it, he'd call her again if it didn't stop soon.

As the trickle slowed, Severide dabbed away at the blood. By the time it had all but stopped bleeding completely Casey stirred, his brows knitting together as he moved his head away from Severide's touch.

"It's just me," Severide told him. "You've had a small nosebleed, nothing to worry about."

"Kel?" he spoke hoarsely as he opened his eyes.

"How you doing?" Severide asked, smiling at his sleepy eyes.

"Very fed up of that question…"

"How are you feeling?"

Casey rolled his eyes wearily. "That one too…"

"Do you wanna shower? Or just a change of clothes?"

He shook his head.

"There's blood on your hoody," he told Casey.

"Probably have another nosebleed anyway… plus, I'm covered in bruises again, would rather you didn't see that," he responded, letting out a short breath.

"I'm not gonna find you any less attractive," Severide replied.

He chuckled. "You find me attractive?"

"I think you're beautiful," Severide told him.

"With no eyelashes? Surprised you didn't fall down at my feet when I was well then," he teased, moving a little in the bed, changing position because his body was aching.

Severide chuckled with him. "Wanna catch up with Hawaii Five-O?"

"I'm sleepy… so I'm just gonna…"

"Sleep?" Severide finished for him.

"Mmm…" he muttered, curling up on his left side. "Kel…"

"Yeah?"

"I like that you're here."

Severide watched Casey as he drifted off to sleep, it happened almost immediately, he could tell by the way Casey's breathing softened out and his jaw relaxed. He was getting used to seeing Casey like this now, although it did still feel very unnatural to see Casey so vulnerable, and even fragile. He kept having to push his fears to the back of his mind but it was hard when Casey looked the way he did, even if Severide was putting on a brave face in front of him, his worries were keeping him up at night, and he'd had more than one bad dream about Casey when he had been able to sleep.

TBC