A/N: 'Operation: Assassination' is being a bitch; 'Caged Canary' is being a thong (yes, a thong; it has Kuja from IX in it so it's being a thong); 'The Finger' has given me...well...The Finger. So, I've decided to come over here to my neglected fic and escape from the angst I've been writing and push this bitch up over 10,000 hits. Oh, and 22 people have this fic on alert so I am expecting a review from everyone who is on that list. Because I KNOW who you are. Also, who ever gives me my 150th review, I will give you a gift fic...cos I'm nice like that. Onward!

Disclaimer: If you honestly believe that I own it then you also believe the rumors that my daughter was spawned via immaculate conception. Oh yeah...I'm still a virgin.


Reno was fidgeting. He hated doctors. He hated exam rooms. He hated fucking Tseng and Rufus...wait, let's rephrase that; he never fucked those guys. He hated stupid Tseng and Rufus for leaving his ass here at Dr. Payne's mercy. Evil Dr. Payne with his evil name and his evil friendly smile and evil warm laughter and his evil rubber gloved hands and his evil ability to cause Reno to think in run-on sentences.

Evil doctor.

Reno hated him.

"Okay, Reno," Dr. Payne said, spinning around in his stool to face the Turk. "Why haven't you been in to see me? You are several months over due for your yearly exam. In fact, I have half a mind to give you two physicals since you're so late."

Reno paled at that.

"And a shot."

Reno lept from the bed, not even caring that his bare ass was shown in all it's glory as he rushed toward the door. Dr. Payne grabbed his arm and laughed, pushing him back to the bed. "Reno," he said, shaking his head as he chuckled. "I'm really not that bad of a guy, all right? Now, I promise you, this will be quick."

"That's what the last guy said and I think his finger is still up my ass," Reno grumbled.

"Well, I guess we'll have to remove it then," Dr. Payne said good naturedly. He stuck his stethescope in his ears and placed it to Reno's chest. "First things first, deep breaths, please."

Reno breathed in deeply and exhaled several times. Dr. Payne shook his head. "I'd tell you to quit smoking, but the Mako that ShinRa used to inject you boys with seems to be negating the effects of the cigarettes."

Reno grinned. "Bitchin'," he said. He nudged the doctor playfully. "Maybe I'll up my intake another pack a day."

"Please don't," Dr. Payne laughed, checking his ears. "And you may want to clean these things out once in a while, Reno. Might improve your hearing."

"What?"

"I said 'it might improve..." the doctor stopped himself at Reno's smirk and chuckled. "Jokester. Are you getting more comfortable around me or is this how you handle stress?"

"Both."

"Good," Dr. Payne said reaching for a pair of rubber gloves. He snapped them over his hands with a flourish. "Then let's get to the main event, shall we?"

Reno swallowed. "Uh, okay," he stammered. "So, uh, how ya want me, Doc? Hands and knees or missionary?"

Dr. Payne rolled his eyes. "Just stand up please," he said. He reached under Reno's paper gown and cupped his testicles. "Turn your head and cough, please."

"You sure you don't want me to sing?" Reno gasped out. "You shove my nuts up any further and I'll be a fucking soprano."

"Just cough, Reno."

Reno let out a disgusting phlem filled hack, turning his head and spitting the ooze into the trash can to his right. "That work?" he asked with a smirk as he wiped his mouth with his arm.

"It'll do," Dr. Payne chuckled, reaching for the lubricant and coating his fingers. "Okay, Reno. Slight discomfort."

Reno bit his lip as he felt the doctor's finger enter him. He prodded him and poked him and...oh shit.

"Hmm," the doctor voiced. "Reno, you appear to have some built up scar tissue."

Don't hit it again, don't hit it again, don't hit it again, Reno pleaded in his mind.

"R-really?" he stuttered. "Wonder...nnh...why?"

The doctor manuevered his finger again, brushing against that spot again. "Fuck," Reno hissed out, looking down as the front of his gown started tenting involuntarily. He'd forgotten how good this felt. And this was just a routine ass exam! When he got Sephiroth and Zack drunk enough...oh Shiva, the things they'd do to him.

"Reno, have you been having any physical problems?" the doctor inquired, still examining him. "Any erectile dysfunction, premature ejaculation, odd colored semen?"

Reno let out a strained laugh. ""No problems there, Doc," he said. "Uh, ngh...can you take your finger outta my ass now?"

"I'm concerned about the scar tissue, Reno," Dr. Payne said, brow furrowed. He glanced up at the red-head. "I apologize for the discomfort."

"Okay, but, you know, just warning...ah! Just warning ya...you may get to...ngh...see first hand what color the semen is."

The doctor eased his finger out quickly and glared at the Turk. "Did that arouse you?" he asked.

"Uh, brought back some repressed memories is all," Reno said sheepishly, trying to hide his erection.

The doctor laughed. "Ah," he said with a nod. "That could be the reason for the scar tissue."

"That, and the fact the my wif-, er, uh...girlfriend likes to stick her vibrator up my ass sometimes," Reno grinned.

The doctor shook his head. "You young kids," he said. He patted Reno's shoulder. "Tell her to be sure to use lubricant if she's going to do that, all right? Get dressed and get outta here."

Reno saluted. "You got it, Doc."


Yuffie had the music blaring in her ears, her mp3 player jacked up all the way as she cooked dinner. Dressed in nothing but a sports bra and a pair of bootie shorts, she danced across the kitchen, stirring this and seasoning that. She shrieked when a pair of arms wrapped around her.

Reno plucked the ear buds out of her ears and laughed at her. "You know, for a ninja, you suck," he told her.

She smirked. "You've never complained about my sucking," she said with a wink.

Reno growled and kissed her fiercely. "True that, Babe," he groaned. He checked out the contents of the stove. "How long til dinner's ready?"

Yuffie shrugged and stirred the rice again. "Twenty minutes, tops," she said. She cocked her head. "Why? What's up?"

Reno lifted her onto the counter and stood between her legs, his arms wrapped around her waist. "I got something I really shoulda told you a long ass time ago," he said.

"You have more kids than Axys?" she asked. "I got more step-kids or something? 'Cause that's cool."

Reno laughed. "No, Axys is all I know about anyway," he said. He poked her nose. "I'm bi."

Yuffie blinked. "Seriously?" she said softly.

"Yeah," he answered. "Hadn't been with a guy in...damn, eight years, but yeah."

"Why so long?" she asked, scraching her nose. "You know, just outta curiousity."

"Last guys I were with are kinda hard to top," he laughed. She arched her eyebrow in question. "Zack and Seph."

Her mouth dropped and she let out what sounded like a very fangirlish squee. "Are you shitting me?" she exclaimed with a grin.

"Not one bit," he said. "But, they were drunk at the time."

"That...is so fuckin'...HOT!"

Reno blinked this time. "Excuse me?"

"Gods, got any on tape?" she asked. "I'd masturbate to that shit."

"Okay, you are totally turning me on right now," he growled. "You're cool with this?"

"Uh, yeah," she exclaimed. She wrapped her arms around his neck. "Reno, I love you and I want you to be happy in our marriage. So, if you want to bring another guy in here and let him fuck you're brains outs...hot DAMN, just let me watch and join in."

Reno thrust his fingers through his hair. "Are you for real?!" he asked. Her smirk said it all. Reno clasped his hands together and looked toward the heaven's. "Thank you for this super bitchin' cool wife that I have that is totally okay with me having a boyfriend!"

"One condition," Yuffie said, hand in the air.

Reno looked at her. "What?" he asked warily.

"I," she said, seductive smile in place. "Get a girlfriend."

Reno growled and tackled her to the floor, ripping her measley excuse for clothing off as she squealed in delight.

And dinner? Yeah, let's just say it's a good thing Pizza Shack is on speed dial.


A/N: I love Reno!

Reno: Wanna be Yuffie's girlfriend?

Me: ...Okay!

Reno/Yuffie: YES!!!

Review!