The Big Hellsing: The Forks Affair

Chapter Twenty-nine: The Toe: Part 1

Disclaimer: I don't own shit.


Forks, Washington state, Swan residence

On the surface, the town of Forks seemed like a boring place. For the most part, it was a boring place. Other than the fact that it had the most rainfall anywhere in the continent, there was precious little in the town that distinguished it in the eyes of the majority of its inhabitants or visitors.

The town took its unusual name from a local river, known as the River Forks. Not a particularly creative name for a river or a town but it served its purpose to the people that originally named it.

Bella Swan was much like the town, not bad but not good either. Today was a Saturday and it was sunny. A rare abundance of sunlight meant that there would be no Edward about. He hadn't been there to watch her sleep.

Some might consider Bella's boyfriend's habit of watching her sleep a bit creepy, or a lot; it all depended on your point of view. Bella had at first been weirded out by it, but she grew used to it pretty quick. It wasn't the worst thing that a boyfriend could do. And it was nothing compared to what Jacob Black did at night; now that was what Bella found to be really creepy.

Since there was no school, no Edward and precious little homework, Bella decided to sleep in today. It was a nice day for it; she could open the windows and play her favourite music at volumes that would have Charlie losing his hearing. She loved her father, Charlie very much; but the only music that he liked was the theme music that played in-between commercials during football games.

Rising up from her bed, Bella rubbed the sleep out of her eyes and tried to pull back her mahogany brown hair from over her eyes. A small red blemish on her cheek signalled the dreaded rise of a zit on her otherwise chalk white skin; she'd deal with it when she was more fully awake.

If you were to see her at this moment, wearing wrinkled pyjamas, old shirt and a vacant, brainless expression, you would know that she was truly her father's daughter. Charlie Swan had enough intelligence to be a police chief and his daughter had enough brains to do well at Forks High, but that wasn't really saying much for either of them.

Stepping up from her bed, Bella glanced sideways; in her closet was a red dress, courtesy of Alice Cullen. Alice loved shopping; Bella did not. Shopping was an activity that she found almost physically painful. Forgetting about the red shirt, Bella ambled over to the bathroom like one of the zombies which had destroyed Raccoon City.

Minutes passed; slowly, the daughter of Charlie Swan and Renee Dwyer began to become presentable in a public setting. In her use of toothpaste and underarm deodorant, she was no different from the girls whose boyfriends were not vampires.

Eventually, the first step of her morning procedures was done. Zombielike, she shambled out of the bathroom and back to her bedroom to get dressed; only this time her gait was a little bit more refined and her brown eyes were a bit brighter.

Suddenly she stubbed her toe! Bella didn't swear, but by God she sorely wanted to. Grunting in pain, Bella leaned up against a wall in order to avoid falling on her ass. Her breathing came on heavy as she tried to clear her mind using some of the meditation techniques her mother had given up on while living in Arizona.

Bella wasn't sure if her mental chants worked, but soon enough the pain was gone. With the pain gone, Bella could now get on with her Saturday morning routine. Charlie was at work, so all she had to do was make breakfast for one. After breakfast, she'd tidy the house a bit, re-re-re-read Pride and Prejudice, do some homework with Claire de Lune playing at a hundred decibels and try to visit the Cullens before she had to return home and prepare supper for her and her dad.

Bella wasn't Sherlock Holmes, her powers of deduction weren't the greatest; still, something was off. Isabella couldn't put her finger on it but something was different about her room. What could it be? What was different? She wasn't the smartest girl around, but when Bella Marie Swan sensed that something was out of the norm, she just couldn't let it go. It was this trait which had landed her Edward.

Something was missing; something red. Bella looked at her closet and realized with a slow shock that the red shirt bought by Alice was missing. She went to check if the shirt had fallen from it's the coat hanger. A cursory scan of the bottom of the closet revealed that the shirt had not fallen. It was totally absent.

Also absent was a sock which had lain next to her bed, a plain bra next to her desk and an old nightshirt that once belonged to her dad.

Bella was unnerved by this strange phenomenon but kept a cool head. Just like Nancy Drew, she's use her head and come up with a battle plan. She'd change her schedule a bit; eat breakfast now and then visit with the Cullens. She'd tell this to her vampire friends and hopefully they'd all laugh and tell her that she had nothing to worry about.

Bella took a deep breath and smiled slightly, trying to reassure herself. Why should she be nervous? After all, Victoria was only still out there and most certainly plotting revenge; what could be wrong?

Then she noticed one little detail that should have been the first she ought to have observed. There was a human toe laying on the floor right in front of her; it had green nail polish on and the toe was slightly smeared with dried blood.

Oh shit.

Maybe it would be advisable to go to the Cullen residence now.

Ring-Ring!

The downstairs telephone started to regale Bella with its frantic calls. Scared shitless by the sight of a disembodied toe, she sprinted downstairs; tripping and banging up her shins something nicely.

Now Bella cursed like a sailor, but the phone didn't listen, it only spoke.

Ring-Ring!

"Jesus Christ!" Bella hissed in pain. Right before it went to the answering machine, Bella snatched the receiver from in a painful death grip worthy of a dying secret agent.

Short of breath from abusing her shins by accident on a door frame, Bella spoke curtly, "Yes!" into the receiver.

A pixie's bell like voice resounded in her ear, "Bella," it was Alice Cullen, "You need to get to our house right away. I can't tell you what it is over the phone."

"Why not?" Bella asked.

Alice retorted, "Because the future is better this way". Yes, Alice did have the power to see the future but Bella didn't necessarily trust that; Alice hadn't seen the toe in her visions."

"Bella, I known that something happened and I don't know why I didn't see it; but trust me, it was for the better. It's like The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen: The board is set, and the game is on." Then she hung up.

Fucking melodramatic pixie vamp.

Washington State, Undisclosed Military base

Integra was furious; she had every right to be. Alucard had gone and slapped their American allies in the face. She would not allow her servant to undo all of the bridge building and goodwill built by her father, Arthur Hellsing.

Behind her stood two of her loyal servants, Seras Victoria and Zohall Mercer; a blond and busty Nosferatu girl and a blond swordsman who looked like he was dressing up for the Anime fest. She'd taken both of them from England because she needed somebody to do the job that Alucard was supposed to be doing; providing and assessing security for Integra's upcoming meeting with Tony Soprano.

Tony Soprano; Integra cursed his name. If it wasn't for the fact that he'd told American law enforcement that she was a criminal then she wouldn't have to send agents of hers to American in the first place.

In front of Integra stood her most powerful servant, Alucard. The ancient vampire stood before his master like a true villain, utterly unrepentant for his crimes. His lyrical voice rolled out, "It's good to see you again, my master."

Integra wouldn't stand for his sass. "Don't fucking bullshit me, Alucard! You've gone and ruined everything."

He protested playfully, "But master, I was only following your orders while I was here." He paused before adding, "And I also picked up some nifty Barack Obama merchandise; just look at this Barack Obama cocaine that I purchased; now with fifteen percent less acetone in it."

Integra gritted her teeth as Alucard thrust a plastic bag with Obama's smiling face right into her face. Backhanded, she smacked the bag of cocaine from Alucard's hand, "Get that shit out of my face!" At the rate he was going, Alucard was going to turn her grey prematurely, "I am here to send you back to England and punish you, you son of a bitch!"

Alucard perked up at the sound of that, "Oh, punishment; I like punishment." It was true; Alucard was quite the masochist. In his free time he enjoyed putting venomous snakes in his underpants and smacking them with a rug beater to get them started. He couldn't wait to see what kind of punishment Integra had in mind; hopefully it would involve torture. There was really nothing quite as thrilling as having a diamondback dig its three inch fangs into his six inch diesel.

Integra crossed her arms, "Yes, Alucard; I am going to punish you. More than that, I am going to utterly destroy you."

Alucard chuckled, "That's the spirit, my master; haven no mercy! Now, have you considered the torture merits of power tools?"

At this, Integra merely smiled. Something about Integra's sure, confident smile took the edge off of Alucard's arrogance. "I'm not going to torture you, Alucard; I'm going to break you."

Alucard's smile shrank in size but his chest swelled with pride in his young master. "Well, you always were ahead of the rest, master. So, what do you have in mind?"

Integra smiled as she reached for a cigar. Taking her time, she held the cigarette aloft, allowing Zohall to light it for her. Savouring the flavour of this particular brand of tobacco, she elaborated, "First of all, I order you to hand over your weapon, the Jackal so that we can melt it down for scrap metal."

Alucard did a hundred and eighty; one minute he was confident and cool, now his eyes were bugging out with shock. Before he could protest, Integra continued.

"Second of all, when you reach England you are to destroy your coffin with a sledge hammer and from thenceforth sleep in a cardboard box filled with the soil of your birthplace."

Alucard looked like an abused child; desperately he gaped at Zohall and Seras, vainly trying to get some support from them. Both of them tried to avoid Alucard's gaze; he'd abused them both in the past but they couldn't bring themselves to enjoy this. They were far too decent for that sort of thing.

Still at a loss for words, he could only watch as Integra delivered the next article of his punishment, "Third: when you get home I order you to set fire to your entire collection of Batman comics, movies and other comic book related junk that you might have."

In anguish, Alucard shrieked like a beaten puppy. He should have prepared for this; for years he'd exposed Integra directly and indirectly to all manner of brutality and evil. It would only make sense that Integra would take a page from his book and hit a person where it hurts. Physical torture would do nothing to Alucard; and given his twisted mind, most conventional forms of psychological torture would be equally ineffective.

Integra delivered the final blow to Alucard, "As for the last article of your punishment, I order you to kill Carlisle Cullen since you seem to love him so much."

Such a cry of anguish tore from Alucard's chest that even Integra jumped back. Instantly he fell on his knees and started to claw at his face as if he were trying to rip it off. Then he started to swat all over himself in a frantic fashion; it was like a drug addict trying to kill the imaginary bugs that ate his skin. In their sockets, his eyes span every which way and his saliva turned red where he bit his tongue.

His cries were so loud that the American soldiers could hear it from one end of the base to another. In the cafeteria, a veteran of the war in Iraq went into flashbacks because of Alucard's banshee like wailing.

Eventually, Alucard quieted down some but he was still convulsing like a victim of electroshock therapy. His legs kicked as if he was trying to run but he was going nowhere. Seras and Zohall looked at each other; if things got sour they would both try to run like hell and drag Integra with them.

Zohall attempted to calm down Alucard, but he was less than sure of himself, "Whoa, whoa; easy, sailor. Just take a deep breath."

Instead of taking a deep breath, Alucard started to groan and claw at his eyes. There was something sad about seeing a five hundred and more year old vampire reduced to the level of a miserable child. When he finally spoke, Alucard's voice was thin and reedy, "Anything, anything but that. Burn my comic books and burn my coffin, just leave that man alone."

Integra leaned in out of fascination; in a million years she would have never believed that Alucard had the capacity to bond with anybody in an emotional or intellectual capacity. Obviously she'd seen him bond with Walter but she'd thought that was the exception that proved the rule.

He went on in his pitiful voice, "That man has earned his immortality by forging ahead with his own will and making his own path. He is the missing half of my soul; he is my better half. I love him like Ivan the terrible loved his first wife. If he dies then my connection to the hearts of the world will be lost and I will be truly dead inside."

Then his chest started to shake and he began to sob. Seras put a hand over her mouth to stifle her own sobs. He had always been a sadistic bastard to her; but she never wanted to see him tormented like this.

The gravity of the situation was beginning to become apparent to Integra; now she understood what her father meant when he said in his journals that Alucard was a medicine to be used only sparingly. Seeing him in this state was a truly concrete example of the power Integra had over him. She didn't just have power over him, she had authority; he accepted the power she had.

Integra didn't believe that Alucard had been born evil; she did believe that he'd been born twisted. His branches had been warped and it had made him susceptible to evil.

Integra spoke to her servant in a voice that was so maternal that it surprised even her, "Alucard, just calm down, I order it of you."

He twisted twice as if trying to escape invisible hands but stopped. When he lay still, his master continued to talk in that firm, but gentle voice, "I won't have you kill Carlisle Cullen; he hasn't eaten anyone. I admit that I was being a bit harsh, but you will still be punished."

Slowly, unsteadily, Alucard started to pick himself up as his master conferred her new instructions. "I am not going to order you to destroy your coffin or your ridiculous Batman collection, but know that I have the power to have it done."

Rapidly, Alucard was gaining his characteristic arrogance and demeanour; accordingly, Integra's manner grew decreasingly gentle. "I am your master, Alucard; you will obey me to the letter. I will tolerate no garbage from you Alucard. You will respect me if it kills you."

Alucard dusted off his coat, "Of course, master. Now, do you plan to enforce my respect for you?"

Integra nodded, "Naturally; as penance, I want you to shave your head."

His didn't have an outburst this time, but it his distaste was painfully clear. Integra truly enjoyed seeing him like this. "And when you are within England's borders, you will not be able to disguise your baldness with hats or wigs. I want all of England to see your head shaven down to the scalp until it shines. Do I make myself clear, servant?

He grimaced and curtsied with his jacket, "Of course, it will be done."

The Hellsing director smiled and her glasses flashed in the fluorescent lights, "Good, now go and report to the barber on the base and you are not to give him or her any trouble."

Fifteen minutes later

They tried not to laugh. Really; they tried so hard. It took all of their willpower to keep from laughing at Alucard. They knew that if they laughed at them, he'd get them. If he got them, most likely he would make them cry. If he got them to cry, it was most likely he would laugh. And it would hurt.

Despite all that though, Zohall and Seras couldn't help but smirk and snort as Alucard walked towards the military plane from Britain that would take him back to London.

Gone was the No-Life King's waist length mane of jet black hair. Until Integra gave the word, he would no longer be able to regrow his hair. Alucard's head looked like a shiny white cue ball; Zohall could almost see his reflection in that undead dome.

Admittedly, he looked a lot smaller without his hair; almost half his usual size. A deep scowl etched his features; he was going to beat the snot out of any son of a bitch who dared to make fun of him in this state.

Trying to suppress a smile, Seras walked up to her sire, "Master, have a good trip."

"Shut up, Police Girl."

Zohall tried to say goodbye but he was cut off by the trump card of Hellsing, "Don't talk to me. Right now, all I want to do is get on that airplane, climb into my coffin and cry like a little girl until I get back to London. Then I'm going to take out my anger on any vampire that crosses my path."

Zohall just shrugged off Alucard's rotten mood, "Whatever floats your boat, dude." He added as an afterthought, "By the way, I'm entering into a Halo multiplayer contest in a month; want to sign up? There's still time to do that."

Alucard was stunned by Zohall's kind gesture, which was very profound considering that he'd hidden a box of one hundred scorpions in Zohall's underwear drawer half a year ago. Zohall still had some scorpion scars today and the occasional nightmare about a certain kind of stinger bearing arachnids. "I'll consider it," he huffed. Then he got onto the plane and began to cry as soon as he lay in his coffin.

Integra, Seras and Zohall watched as Alucard's plane took off. Integra spat out the chewed nub of her cigar and turned to her underlings, "You two know what we have to do next."

Seras just looked at Zohall as if looking for a clue. Then she turned to Integra, "Actually, we have no idea what to do; you never explained what we had to do after we set master straight."

Zohall had to agree, "All you said was that we had to punish the big red guy and then that was it." His handsome face was the paragon of honesty.

Integra smiled at the ignorance of her minions, how little they knew. "My meeting with Tony Soprano at the wedding is going to take place one way or another. I need you two to stay here and maintain security." There was more, "You two are going to keep an eye on the resident vampires."

Zohall turned to Seras, "Is she talking about the guys that went nuts when she bashed that guy's car?"

Seras nodded, "That's right; a routine mission that went bollocks up at the end."

La Push reservation, Washington State

Sitting on a porch was an ancient Amerindian man named Quil Ateara. 'Round these parts he was known alternately as Old Quil or Old man Ateara. In his community, Old man Ateara was respected and venerated by many in his tribe. He was an elder and a tribal chief by blood; here in the La Push Indian reserve he was practically royalty.

But as respected as Old Quil was among his people; few of the Quileute tribe would ever guess just how many secrets he guarded or how deep his knowledge ran. No; for he was one of the few in the tribe that knew the truth behind the ancient stories. He knew intimately the stories of the men of his tribe turning into wolves. He knew this because he'd seen his own father transform into a wolf and he'd seen his grandson go through the same transformation.

The transformation was triggered by the presence of vampires; during his generation there had been none of the accursed beasts. Therefore, old Quil and those of his generation had never known what it was like to transform into a wolf and fuck up some vampires.

He'd been ready for it; the day that the cold ones had returned. When the first of the tribe's youth had started their first change, he'd been there. These were strange times; all of the omens pointed to it. In the old days, no more than three of the tribe's young men had changed. Now, there were at least seven wolves patrolling their ancestral lands. And when some months ago that strange force moved into town that caused all the women in town and on the reservation to temporarily become lesbians, several more young men had begun the change.

In some months from now, a batch of young men would swell the ranks of the wolves to seventeen! Great spirits of the sea and forest, there was even a female wolf among the ranks. Times were changing, Old Quil was sure of it. As of late his dreams were haunted by a pale faced man in red duster and fedora. Whatever was going on; this man must be at the heart of it all.

And then his wolf grandson had given him an IPod for his birthday. He was eighty two years old; what the fuck was he going to do with an IPod?

Old Quil's pondering was interrupted by the presence of a car. A blue suburban peeled down the dirt road in front of the Ateara home. Out or curiosity, he followed the car's progress until it screeched to a halt in front of his home. From the car, some of the strangest people he'd ever seen climbed out and started walking towards him.

***

The Hellsing crew was lost and it was a case of the blind leading the blind. Seras took shotgun while Zohall, their resident American was the driver. Integra didn't trust Mr. Mercer's driving skills so she had given the wheel originally to the Police Girl. Unfortunately, Seras was unable to adapt to the American fashion of driving on the right hand side of the road. Hence, the driving was transferred over to Zohall, who was a God awful driver no matter what side of the road he drove on.

On their way to the town of Forks, they had gotten lost. Then they found the town. Then they realized that, after three hours of inquiry and searching, the Cullens did not live in the town but instead lived some distance around it. Someone was kind enough to give them direction but both of the two bunglers in the front of the car had forgotten the instructions and taken a wrong turn.

Now Integra found herself in the middle of a bloody Indian reserve which according to poached Vatican intelligence files was full of werewolves. Vatican files were incomplete as to the relationship of the Indians to the werewolves but Integra knew that they must tread cautiously.

Since Zohall was an American, he must know how to deal with these people. "Mr. Mercer," instantly, Zohall stopped bickering with Seras and tuned in to his boss's instructions.

"Yes sir?"

"Mr Mercer, you are from this country; what etiquette is required when dealing with these natives?"

Honestly, there hadn't been any Indians where Zohall had grown up. Raccoon city was as white as a sheet of paper. Looking back on it, Zohall was taken aback by the ethnic diversity on the part of the zombies which had decimated the town. He answered Integra to the best of his abilities, "Well, to be honest, what kind of special diplomatic crap you need to pull with these guys. If you want my advice, just be polite, be discreet; and if they pull a gun on you, put those fuckers down!" He laughed at the last bit and patted the gun in his pocket.

Integra rolled her eyes at Zohall; for all his pretty green eyes, sculpted body and supernatural swordsmanship, the man was utterly useless. From shotgun, Seras looked to the right and announced, "There's an old man there; let's ask him for directions."

The advice sounded solid to Zohall but he needed Integra's approval to go ahead with it. A simple nod from Integra and young Mercer's foot slammed down on the brake pedal.

Integra instructed her underlings, "Seras will come with me; Mr. Mercer, you will stay in this car."

The man nodded, "Yes, sir."

Integra thrust a finger in his face, "Stay, Mr. Mercer, stay." She was talking to him as if he were a dog. He hated it when she did this. He did not have ADHD! He was just a very hyper person by nature. He irritated drummed his fingers on the steering wheel and mumbled affirmation.

"Yes, sir."

Seras stepped out of the car and into the sunlight. It was supposed to be extremely cloudy out in this town. Seras liked cloudy weather; it was better than sunny weather for her condition. Since she'd drained the blood of a human mercenary named Pip Bernadotte in Brazil, she no longer had to fear exploding into flame in sunlight. Still, she soon would come to understand why her master hated sunlight.

When Alucard walked into the sunlight, he made it look so easy; that image could not be farther from the truth. Stepping into the sunlight, Seras felt like there were a thousand needles being driven into every square centimetre of her skin. The slightest breeze was agony and human touch was so painful that if she wasn't ready for it she might kill or injure someone when her body spasmed.

Another problem with being in sunlight was that she was nearly blind; Seras' eagle keen vision in direct sunlight became less acute than a human's weak vision. Big sunglasses and a large smearing of zinc oxide sunscreen helped her cope with the sun's hostile rays, but it would still be a tiring ordeal for Seras. Sticking to shaded areas or going out on a cloudy day would help. When she left the sun, she'd be left weary and tired. This malaise would only be cured with several hours spent in her coffin.

With Zohall under control, Seras and Integra marched towards the slightly ramshackle house where the ancient Native American man was sitting. Adjusting her great big aviator glasses, she strode alongside Integra Fairbrook Wingates Hellsing.

Integra was regretting not borrowing a car with a global positioning system; hindsight is always sharper than foresight. Still, this would not hinder her. She was of the Hellsing family and thus was born with leadership skills and a preternatural sense of direction. With just a bit of help from the locals, everything should be fine.

She did have a personal reason for coming back to this town. This pitiful spit of a town had beaten her once before in the form of a stupid girl with a miraculously unreadable mind. She had not found the location of the stolen silver and was no closer today. She'd lost the battle, but not the war. She would bend this town to her will and with a little bit of unwanted help from that fat sleaze ball Tony Soprano, she'd find out who'd screwed her over.

***

Old Quil silently gazed at the strangers who were walking towards him. One of them was in the lead, a powerful warrior woman; he could tell by her wait and poise. Her skin was dark but her hair was pale, as were her steel blue eyes.

The second one was light haired, but unlike the leader women she had light skin and unbelievably large mammaries. Old Quil might have been over eighty years old but he was still young enough to appreciate a well stacked girl with wicked awesome hips and thighs just the way he liked them.

But there was more to this young woman of large boobs; something that sent a shiver up the elder's spine. As Seras's sexy boots made noise on the steps of the Ateara house, Old Quil's eyes widened because he knew exactly what she was.

Integra and Seras stepped into the shade of the porch; the shade caused a visible decline in Seras discomfort. Integra hated to put Seras through this torment, but the girl had volunteered for it. As she'd been instructed, Seras was to take point and ask the old man for directions. Integra refused to use her feminine whiles on any man when he fists would do the trick just as easily, she had no problems exploiting Seras womanly charms for her own ends.

Seras started what would become a total disaster of a conversation, "Hello, my friend and I are lost and we need directions."

SMACK!

Seras' head whipped to the side as Old Quil slapped her in the face. The force of the blow caused Seras sunglasses to fly askew. Stunned by the old man's reaction, Seras said "ouch." She then looked at the old man with an expression of girlish hurt and surprise, "That was totally uncalled for."

Integra raised an eyebrow at the man's unusual behaviour but otherwise seemed unperturbed about an octogenarian Indian smacking Seras in the face. Rather than risk Police Girl getting another slap, she attempted to talk to the man. "Sir, if you don't mind; we are in need of directions and I would ask you very kindly to assist us."

SMACK!

Old Quil slapped Seras again. "Ouch." Seras winced and rubbed her stinging cheek; old Quil's heavy handedness was causing her sunscreen to come off.

Integra continued to try and reason with the man. Reaching into her pocket, she pulled out a map and started to unfold it. As she unfolded her map, she explained to Old Quil, "It is essential that you help us because we are looking to meet with a group of people."

She held out the map in front of Old Quil and said to him, "Please point out on this map of the local area where we can find the home of the Cullen family?"

SMACK!

This time it was Integra who took a smack to the face; she was not happy about it, not one bit. Clenching her fists in fury, Integra gave Old Quil a glare that could have wiped the smirk off of Alucard's face. To his credit, the ancient tribal elder held his ground and did not avoid Integra's gaze.

The Hellsing leader spoke in a voice that was hard and dangerous, "Listen, old man; if you touch me one more time, I'll snap your neck like a twig."

Old Quil wasn't afraid of anything, but he wasn't crazy enough to slap Integra a second time so he slapped Seras.

SMACK!

Instead of saying, "Ouch," Seras smacked Old Quil in the face in imitation of what he'd done to her.

SMACK!

Old Quil's head snapped back in surprise; he fought down the urge to cradle his stinging cheek. His surprise turned into outrage; how dare this risen dead strike him, a tribal leader. He smacked her right back

SMACK!

Seras wasn't going to take any more so she slapped Old Quil a second time.

SMACK!

Old Quil's head spun back with the force of the impact but he got right back at it and smacked Seras in retribution.

SMACK!

Seras was infuriated; her anger caused her to be unable to think clearly. In the Nosferatu brain, the frontal lobes are atrophied in several places; scientists believed that this atrophy was the cause behind the Nosferatu species emotional instability and overall insanity. Seras slapped Integra in the face.

SMACK!

Integra was stunned by the blow and her glasses were knocked akimbo. Instantly she focused her furious gaze on Seras.

She tried to apologize but it was too late, "Sir Integra—

POW!

Integra didn't slap Seras; she punched Seras right in the mouth and sent Alucard's fledgling spinning like a top.

As Seras tried to right herself, Old Quil took advantage of this and slapped her in the face,

SLAP!

Outraged by this, Integra smacked Old Quil back.

SMACK!

Old Quil smacked Integra back.

SMACK!

Seras smacked Old Quil.

SMACK!

Integra smacked Seras because she was losing track of things.

SMACK!

Old Quil smacked Seras again.

SMACK!

Integra had had enough of this shit. She pushed Seras aside and grabbed Old Quil by his shirt collar and lifted him out of his chair. With the crinkled map still in her hand she shouted at the top of her lungs, "WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU; YOU BLOODY SAVAGE!!!!! DON'T YOU SPEAK ANY ENGLISH!?!?!?"

To his credit, Old Quil didn't avoid Integra's fiery stare but he did try to avoid her breath; she very badly needed a mint and Seras and Zohall had been too polite to say something about it. Alucard was the only person thus far with the balls to tell Integra that her mouth smelled like an ashtray.

Before anybody could get killed somebody called out, "Hey!"

Both Seras and Integra looked around to locate the source of the voice addressing them. It was one of the lads from the reserve. As a matter of fact, it was Quil's own grandson, also named Quil. "What the hell is going on?" the young man asked.

Not wishing for the violence to escalate further than it already had, Integra set let go of Old Quil's shirt and straightened out the map in her hand.

Although her cheeks retained the rosy pallor of a tuberculosis victim, Seras was in fact shocked by the sight of Old Quil's grandson. The most obvious thing about him was that his muscular body was revealed greatly by his rather scanty clothing. Dressed in only a tight pair of jean shorts, Seras thought that young Quil looked like a gay go-go dancer. Actually, Seras imagined that young Quil must be a real stallion under those tight shorts. Immediately, she purged her might of all naughty thoughts involving the six and a half foot Quileute lad and tried to get her mind on the job again.

Integra on the other hand wasn't even fazed by young Quil's almost nudity or his seemingly inhuman grace. Bold as ever she was, Integra strode right up to young Quil and spoke in a voice steady as steel, "Nothing happened here; we were just asking for directions and there was a misunderstanding."

She could feel the heat radiating off of Quil; it was like he'd gone for a long run or had gained a high fever. It was of no consequence why he was so warm.

Quil looked at Integra with suspicion; he didn't like it when people treated his grandfather without proper respect. Plus her style of dress was really freaky. "What kind of misunderstanding did you guys have?"

"That is not important. What is important is that my friend and I get directions and very soon."

"Where are you headed?"

"We're looking for the residence of the Cullen family."

Instantly, Quil's eyes burned with hatred for the traditional enemies of his people. He warned Integra, "Do yourself a favour, stay away from the Cullens; they're bad news."

Integra gritted her teeth; she did not have time for this shit. "I don't care about any risks you might imagine that there are. Tell me where I can find them."

Quil only glared as his grandfather watched with approval, "Trust me lady, you don't want to get involved with them. Do yourself a favour and stay away."

Now Integra was starting to lose her temper, "Listen to me, young man; you are going to tell me where the Cullens live. I order it!"

"What are they to you anyways?"

Before Integra could kick young Quil in the groin and beat the Cullen's address out of him, Seras had to interrupt, "Sir Integra, Zohall is missing!"

Integra couldn't believe it; actually she could. She cursed, "Oh shit." She then shouted at Seras, "Find him!"

At human speed, Seras ran and Integra followed. Shouting over her shoulder at Old and young Quil, Integra hollered, "We'll be back!"

This left Quil alone with his granddad. He turned to his grandfather, "What was that?" He'd seen a lot of things during his short tenure as a wolf but he'd never seen anything like two girls from England, one a butch lesbian and the other a stripper dressed up like a paramilitary soldier before.

Old Quil groused, "That shorter girl was a vampire."

This caused the young warrior to look at his grandfather, "What? She can't have been a vampire; I saw her walking in the sun."

The ancient man continued, "She was one of the risen dead, the ones who are many; the stronger of their kind can walk in the light of day. You should know all of this."

Quil had to admit his granddad had a point, "But come on, she didn't attack or anything."

"Vampires are patient, some are very clever: she was probably surveying a new feeding ground."

There was something that was still bothering Quil tough, "If she was a vampire, how come I couldn't smell her."

Old Quil shook his head. The fucking kids these days; you spent three hours of your life re-teaching them all of the ancient myths of their people that they should have remembered and then the next day they act like they have short term memory loss. He explained to his grandson, "Quil, you're in your human form. Her kind of vampire is treacherous and live by deceit; their illusions are designed specifically to fool the eyes of humans. I only saw her for what she was because I've been a keeper of the legends for my whole life and I know how to spot them."

Quil the younger apologized for his lack of memory and common sense, "Sorry, grandpa."

Old Quil grumbled, "Sorry; don't be sorry, be vigilant and use your head."

His grandson paused to chew his words a bit. "Should I go after her?"

He shook his head, "No, there are too many people for her to take hostage and you might be seen. Follow her and make sure that she leaves our lands; call for the rest of the pack."

Quil nodded and bounded off with the grace and speed of a gazelle. The existence of the wolves was supposed to be very hush-hush, nobody outside of the top elders and the immediate families of the wolves was supposed to know.

***

tracked Zohall by scent, Integra kept pace behind her. It didn't take long to find Zohall. The two women found him standing on the edge of Forks' green forests surrounded by a small band of Quileute children. The children, between ages fifteen and twelve were showering Zohall in hero worship. What exactly he'd done to garner hero worship from these kids in such a short time Seras had no idea, but she could smell blood.

On the ground there was a small child of approximately two years old, a girl. She was being cradled by another girl who was might have been an older sister. The two year old had puffy eyes, as if she'd been weeping; and she had a large amount of blood on her knee.

Seras stiffened at the sight of the blood. It didn't make her thirsty exactly; there was thirst but there was much more. The redness of the blood caused Seras to hear a noise in her head, like a heartbeat or the noise of drums. It was a call to violence and depravity, a cadence to arms. Somehow, she suppressed the urge.

She had no more time to focus on the blood because at that moment young Quil barrelled past her and knocked her down. He then stooped down and scooped up the young girl in his arms. Immediately, the six foot plus, two hundred and sixty pound all muscle Quileute man-wolf warrior started bawling like a baby and asking his "Clair bear" if she was okay.

Zohall was having the time of his life. He'd just saved a little kid's life and he was pretty good. He'd tried to wait in the car while Seras and Integra were having a catfight with an old man, but it was hard for him.

He wasn't totally sure what had happened that had lured him out of the car. It had something to do with a rabbit; maybe it was a vampire rabbit. Whatever the case, Zohall had taken his massively long sword and Desert Eagle handgun with him to take out a rabbit.

The rabbit had been fast but it didn't know what kind of endurance Zohall possessed. Working out alongside with Leon Scott Kennedy, one of the most physically fit men in the world had done him plenty of good.

The rabbit, vampire or not had led him to a group of houses on the edge of the forest. A bunch of kids were playing near the woods, one of them was a little girl supervised by an older girl. It was just when some of the kids were noticing him that a cougar shot out of the bush and went right for the girl. Zohall had been a distance from the child; some might say a big distance. He would have begged to differ. In a flash of his leather coat and the gleam of his straight bladed sword, he'd leapt at the cougar with speed that was positively inhuman.

When he reached the child, the cougar had already slashed at her knee with its sharp claws and was preparing to go for a kill. Two year old Claire's cries of pain and fear had galvanized him to move fast.

With his eyes almost as green as the temperate rainforest of the east coast, Zohall had struck at the cougar when Integra, Seras and Old Quil were having a slap-fest.

He ran parallel to the mountain lion and sliced it across the ribs, parallel to the ground. His sword, named Gleam had sliced cleanly through the cougar's ribs and eviscerated the left lung on the animal. Not willing to give the injured wild animal a chance at retaliation, Zohall promptly chopped off the fucker's head.

Hey kitty, when you get to hell, tell em' Zohall sent ya.

After that, things became another blur. Once the local kids had seen had overcome their wariness over his sword, they'd praised him as a hero for saving one of their own. In his peripheral vision he saw young Quil hugging Claire as his boss and his co-worker approached. Turning his head, he saw one of the fifteen year olds fooling around with his sword. "Watch it," he cautioned the kid, "that thing is sharp enough to do eye surgery with."

He then noticed how pissed off Integra was. Consequences were a bitch, especially when it was Integra that you disobeyed. Oh well, Zohall wasn't the type of person who let the little things bother him. Not that Integra's temper was a little thing.

As the Hellsing leader stormed up to him, he resumed conversation with a bunch of the kids. Off at the houses, the parents were just coming out in full force; some of them were making phone calls for an ambulance. "So, how many of you guys watch Avatar: The Last Air bender?"

Greeted by a chorus of affirmative responses, Zohall felt his heart become tickled by these russet coloured kids. They would be the inheritors of tomorrow and their love of The Last Air Bender was proof that they would prevail and prosper. Plus, Zohall fucking loved that show.

Integra shoved Quil aside and stormed up to Zohall, "Where the hell have you been, Mr. Mercer?"

Zohall decided to deflect the situation with a bit of levity; he bent down and retrieved something off the ground.

During his employment with Hellsing, Integra had learned of what were some things to expect from Zohall Mercer. When he thrust a cougar's head into her face and said, "Who wants cougar kisses?" she was not expecting that.

And instead of laughing or admiring the cougar's severed head, Integra jumped back and shouted, "Good God!"

Young Zohall turned to Seras, who was shocked as hell to see him holding a cougar's head. She had nothing to say; just couldn't think of anything. He said to her, "Hey Seras, I'm the Predator; I'm taking skulls for trophies."

"You idiot!" Integra screamed at him, "Where the hell have you been?"

Before he could answer that he'd been chasing a vampire bunny that may have been a figment of his imagination, Integra cut him off."

"Forget it, we are leaving this place to find directions because you two idiots" Seras knew that Integra was also referring to her, "have lost the map to the Cullens home."

Zohall looked at the ground in shame; several of the La Push kids quieted down, trying to see what had gotten him down. "Can I keep the cougar head?"

Integra's migraine headache was getting worse. Going for another cigar and her lighter, she tersely informed her American underling, "Yes, just get a move on."

As she turned to exit with her henchmen, she found that her path was blocked by six and a half feet of Quil. Cradled in his arms was a small child who he'd manage to calm down. Behind Quil, she could see some parents running towards them. This was the last thing Integra wanted because she had no desire to stick around and explain to the parents of the La Push reservation what they were doing here.

Quil spoke, "That man saved Claire's life."

"You're welcome," Integra ground out; she had wasted enough time today as it was.

"Claire would like to thank him," he stroked the little girl's hair.

Integra conceded, "Make it quick; I am a very busy woman."

Holding the cougar's head under his arm, Zohall turned to the lad that was playing with his sword, "Hey buddy, sorry but I'm going to need that back." The kid groaned but handed Zohall back his sword; it was the coolest sword he'd ever seen and he doubted that he'd ever see such a cool sword again. When he and his friends visited Port Angeles next, he was going to buy a knife. Not that any knife could match the grandeur of Zohall nodachi like blade.

Securing his beloved sword to the holster in his back, Zohall stepped to face Quil and Claire. Quil was used to people being intimidated by his great height and musculature; particularly those who were not familiar to him. But when Zohall looked him in the eye, he did so without any fear.

Zohall had seen unspeakable horrors; battled against the most unspeakable demons of the human psyche, brought to life by the power of a virus and the twisted will of amoral scientists. An over muscled Native American hardly put a scare into Zohall; especially when he was cradling a two year old as gently as the child's own mother.

A child of the nineteen nineties, Zohall introduced himself as such, "Yo dude, what's up? I'm Zohall Mercer."

"Quil Ateara." For a moment, Quil looked down at the little girl; his imprint. When one of the wolves of the tribe imprinted on a woman, that woman would become the center of his universe. Little Clair had become the center of his universe and he'd loved her like a brother and father combined.

Claire was burying her face in Quil's chest; her parents had always told her never to talk to strangers and this blond haired, green eyed man was certainly strange. She only budged from her little nook in her protector's arms when Quil told her in a gentle voice, "Claire-bear, what did you want to say?"

Claire said something that Zohall couldn't make out, so he leaned in slightly closer. "Sorry, could you say that again?"

Claire's voice was just a tiny squeak, "Thank you."

For a few seconds Zohall didn't react; he wasn't even aware of Claire's father who had shown up on the scene to claim his daughter and interrogate Quil about what was happening. He wasn't even aware that he'd dropped the cougar's head and some kid's mom was chasing him away from the cougar's headless carcass.

As he tried to reassure Claire's dad, Quil noticed that Zohall was turning red in the face. As Claire was taken away by her father, Quil felt his heart sink; then he turned to Zohall. "Are you okay, dude?"

To his great surprise, the swordsman gasped as if he were about to burst into tears.

Zohall was choking on emotion and his eyes were starting to water. "Oh shit," he gasped, "I'm not going to cry; I can't cry!"

From inside one of the pockets in his long, dull green trench coat, Zohall pulled out a bottle of six hour energy drink. As he unscrewed the cap his fingers, calloused from weapons training trembled. He was hyperventilating when he finally got the cap off.

Without further ceremony, Zohall downed the six hour energy drink in one single go. Very soon, the emotional shock of the little girl's thanks was replaced by a pounding heart and the rush of caffeine and a witch's brew of stimulants.

Quil was freaked out by Zohall's outlandish behaviour; who wouldn't be? He reassured himself that he was one of the tribe's wolves; this strange man with an oversized sword should pose no threat to him. Yet there was something to those green eyes that was more than common; he'd have to consult his grandfather on this. For now though he enquired after Zohall's health. "Are you alright?"

Back to his normal hyperactive self, Zohall merely waved Quil off. "Ah, I'm fine; it's just the job, it's very stressful."

Quil wondered what kind of stress Zohall's job entailed that he needed to bury his demons with energy drinks. "Thanks."

"No prob; I'd have done it with three limbs amputated and one eye missing." He flashed a winning smile at Quil that was just all sorts of manly. Abruptly though, Zohall's temperament turned semi serious. "Do you know where the Cullens live?"

Immediately, Quil's countenance darkened; he owned this man the world for saving his imprint but he could not forget the ancestral grudge his people held against the Cullens. A war between Quileute and Cullen might be held back by a century old treaty but Quil and those like him were bred not only to kill vampires but to hate them as well.

More respectfully than he'd told Integra, he informed Zohall of something. "I can't tell you that; if you go to that house you have no idea what you're dealing with."

Zohall was completely serious now but there was also patience in his manner. "I get why you don't want me or my boss to go there; I know what they are."

Quil's eyes widened in surprise; how could these strange people know of the Cullens' secret. Mentally he slapped himself; grandfather had said that the chesty one was a vampire. This man was affiliated with vampires, but he'd saved a young child. Quil didn't know what to make of this man or his allies. "What do you want?"

Zohall stepped closer; he could actually feel Quil's inhumanly high body temperature. "Look fellah, we've all got secrets; me and the boss have ours. We're with the British government; big James Bond type stuff that I can't even begin to tell you about. I can tell you one thing though, lives are at stake."

Quil exhaled; he didn't know what to make of this. He'd called Sam, the pack alpha; he would know what to do.

Zohall implored of the large Native America, "I'm serious; I know what the Cullens are and I need to meet with them; I have to. It's a matter of national security."

Zohall decided to play the Raccoon City card, "I've been fighting monsters for most of my life; I know what it takes to kill monsters and I know that sometimes you've got to go talk with the weaker monsters before you can get a crack at the really bad monsters."

It wasn't an easy thing that Zohall was asking, but Quil decided to humour this young fighter. "Sure, I'll give you directions; if they kill you I'll avenge you."

The former Raccoon City resident practically jumped on the spot with joy, "Sweet!" Looking behind Quil, he tried to shout for Integra and Seras, "Hey guys-

He didn't finish his sentence because Integra and Seras were long gone. "Oh shit!" Reaching down to the ground, he picked up his cougar's head and bid Quil goodbye, "See ya, dude; thanks!" Snatching his sword back, Zohall was ready to boogey on out of here.

Taking off with the speed of the wind, he arrived just in time to see Seras and Integra starting to drive off without him. He screamed at them and waved the cougar's head frantically, "Wait! Don't leave me here!"

Inside the car, Integra watched from the passenger's seat as Zohall ate dust from the car's tires. She heard Seras pipe up, "Should I stop for him?"

Integra sighed with reluctance, "Very well; stop."

The dust from the dirt road obscured his view; he heard the vehicle stop but he didn't see where it stopped. Painfully he ran right into the back of the car with a metallic bonk! Integra didn't even bat an eyelash when she heard and felt Zohall hit the back of the car.

Groaning, the young American picked himself up and tried to brush the dust off of his beloved coat; his knees felt like they'd been hit with a ballpeen hammer. Limping up to Integra's window, he tapped on the glass to signal that she open it. After a few seconds the power window rolled down. Integra had a warning for her underling. "You have two seconds to get into this car or else I will order Miss Victoria to leave you behind."

Zohall panted, "Wait, I've got to do something." Without warning he threw the dusty, bloody cougar's head into Integra's lap, causing the Hellsing heir to squirm like a little girl with a worm down her dress.

Old Quil sat in his chair on the porch; evil forces were afoot, he could feel it. Glancing to the right, he became aware of the young man sprinting (albeit painfully) towards him. It was the fellow who had been the driver for the vampire and the butch woman.

Breathing heavily, Zohall ran up to Old Quil's porch. "Hey man; sorry if we caused any trouble. Integra didn't mean anything bad."

SMACK!

Old Quil smacked Zohall across the face.

Zohall didn't know what to say. "Well . . . have a nice day." And he was off again just as Seras began to drive off without him again.

Cullen House, Washington State

All of the Cullens sat in their living room. Behind them, an entire wall of windows let in the sunlight that was rapidly being obscured by cloud. They sparkled radiantly in the sun; Bella never grew tired of seeing them like this.

As the last of the sun's rays were blanketed by cloud and the sparkling stopped, Alice Cullen turned to her adopted brother Edward. "Call it, Edward."

Edward mentally groaned as he read Alice's mind but complied with her wishes. "The Hellsing leader will arrive in five . . . four . . . three"

The front door was shaken by a knock.

"Two."

"It's open," called Carlisle, the Cullen Patriarch.

"One."

The door opened and Bella couldn't help but gasp; the leader of Hellsing was the crazy woman who'd trashed Jasper's jeep.


Alright! We are done with that! I had originally meant for this chapter to be a single piece but it grew so big that it had to be split in half. If you're looking for another good crossover of Hellsing and Twilight, I reccomend Alliances by blacksand1. I hope you enjoyed it and here's a sneak peak of part 2 ;)

Integra calmly stated to Bella, "So far we have what appears to me to be a series of victimless crimes.

"What about the toe?" Bella whined.

"FORGET ABOUT THE FUCKING TOE!" Integra screamed as she slammed her fist down on the counter, causing her coffee cup to jump.

Ta

Master of the Boot