Uncontrolled

He ran into his clinic and closed the door behind him. He locked it. His heart was pounding, his lungs burning from his rapid breathing and he was barely able to look out his eyes from the tears. Everything people had called him was true. He was an abomination. A monster and demon of uncontrolled fury and vengeance. He looked around the room. He saw a robe on the bucket he used, when he needed to get water. For a moment he imagined himself being tied up in that rope. Unable to move and unable to harm anyone. He was a danger to everyone around him, no one more so than his friends and the woman he loved. He gave a strangled and painful laugh at the irony. He had finally allowed himself to love and now she might die by the hands of his inner demon. His hands. He had told her it would kill him to lose her. Never had he thought he could be the one responsible for her death. He could not bear it. His gaze turned to the rope again. He could end it all and make sure he was never a danger to anyone else ever again. The face of that poor girl was still haunting his mind. He walked towards the bucket and removed the robe. He looked towards the ceiling saw the beam crossing the room. He took a chair and threw the rope over the beam. He tied the end of the robe around one of the pillars. He stood up on the chair and tied the noose. He had to constantly dry his eyes, as he could hardly see because of all his tears.

"Did you know most mages die by their own hands?" He had told her.

He gave a painful chuckle, as he looked at the robe. He had never thought that he would die like this. He had always assumed he would die by the hands of a templar. Making a stand for mages, not giving into one of the most common ways to die. He remembered his harrowing. Because of his lustful nature many believed that he would fall. Other claimed it would be his temper. There were even bets among the templars, who had taken a particular disliking to him, if he would turn into a desire or rage abomination. Yet, when he entered the fade and was faced with both he had no trouble. He knew the difference between lust and love. He knew what the desire demon offered him, would only be a shadow of what his heart truly craved. So without consideration he had turned the demon down. The rage demon had no better luck. He had learned to conceal his rage underneath his humour and did not give into provocation. When he awoke the templar, who had volunteered to strike him down, had spat at him. The apprentices had been surprised. No one realized how strong he truly was, besides Wynne perhaps. Not until the wardens and Elissa. There he was first recognized for his strength and power. His magic was seen as a gift and not a curse. He had found hope. Now he looked at himself and realized he had given in. He had not offered himself to a demon. He had done something far worse. He had created one. Taken a noble being and forced it to dissent.

"It was very noble of you, to help Justice." She smiled sadly.

"Noble?... Perhaps it was meant that way, but now... I can't control him when I lose myself in anger. I don't know until after what I might have done. You saw the way Hawke looked at me. He believes that I am an abomination and sometimes... I fear he might be right." He confessed sadly.

"Losing yourself when you are desperate and forced into a corner doesn't sound very demonic... It sounds very human actually." She replied.

He gave a muffled sob into his hand. Only someone as good as her, would look at him and not see a monster. Only she would consider him human. She had called Justice an angel. Something pure, good and virtuous, but there was nothing virtuous about what happened in the Gallows. He could feel Justice's emotions. The fondness he held for her. She did not treat him as a demon, but as a person. She had convinced them both that they were worthy of her affections. There was no doubt in their shared mind that she would look past this. She would forgive them, but would she still be able to love them? The noose was complete and he put it around his neck. He considered leaving a note, but it would be unnecessary. Hawke knew and he would tell her. Rather that she thought that he did not care for her and have her be angry at him, than her mourning his passing. Tears keep flowing from his eyes, but he did no longer bother to dry them. He closed his eyes and thought of her. The last thing that he wanted to remember was her.

"You are wonderful. The one bright light in Kirkwall, but I have no control around you. If you tie yourself to me I will only hurt you."

He kicked the chair away from underneath him. His neck did not break, as he had hoped for. He felt the rope tightening around his neck, burning its way through his skin. He gagged and gasped, but didn't struggle. When he felt himself getting lightheaded, Justice took over. The spirit released a fireball and burned the robe. They fell to the ground gasping for air and dragged the burning piece of robe from their neck. As the robe lay burning Justice retreated and Anders gave a cry of agony into the ground.

"Why Justice?!" He demanded and Justice flooded his mind with memories.

"You really don't understand how dangerous I am, do you?"

"No, that part I got. I just don't believe you are a demon. I believe you're sick." She said calmly.

"Sick?" He raised an eyebrow and could not hide his surprise.

"Yes... and you probably were before you joined with Justice."

"Please do explain this to me." He remarked sarcastically.

"I think you have a depression, Anders." She said softly.

"She was wrong Justice! We are a demon!" He cried.

"You said it yourself, emotion rules him. Perhaps, if you learned to monitor your thoughts more closely, your emotions would be easier to control." She said softly still caressing his cheek.

"I don't know how." He admitted with a sigh.

"Let me teach you. Try to think of something that makes you feel calm." She replied with a small smile.

"I love you." He said in a low voice, before claiming her lips.

His tears kept flowing from his eyes. How his arms ached to hold her and while thinking of her, he cradled himself. How his mind needed to be soothed by her comforting words. He kept thinking of her and his love for her. He felt it embrace him, as he and Justice picked one pleasant memory after another. The way her body felt, when in his arms. The soft lingering kisses. The adoration in her kind green eyes. The way she twisted and turned words and arguments, bending them to her will and purpose. Her intelligent mind that saw possibilities and options others overlooked. Her compassionate being that sensed everyone else's hardship. Even feeling compassion for those she loathed and whose actions she hated. Her laugh, which was accompanied by her sarcastic remarks. How she could hide herself by a veil of misleading arguments, assumptions and implying things, without giving a clue as to her real feelings. His tears faded and his sobs became lower, as he thought of her and the happiness she gave him.

"She was never wrong..." Justice whispered.

After a few minutes he composed himself enough to stand up. Perhaps he should get out of Kirkwall. Far away to a place, where he couldn't harm anyone. Where he couldn't harm her. He needed to clear his thoughts. He needed to think of something else. Anything but the mage girl in the Gallows. He healed his neck. No one needed to know this. He did not deserve anyone's compassion and he did not want their pity. He turned to his belongings. Those that had yet to be moved to his new, but probably now former, home. He wanted to sort them out before moving them there. He heard someone at the door, but did not bother to open. This was his prison. He should be locked up here, where he would harm no one.

"Varric, will you open it?" He heard Hawke's voice say. He heard the lockpicking tools in the door and it opened.

"Go and get Leila. He needs her." Hawke then instructed in a low voice.
He could hear a single pair of footsteps walking up behind him. He didn't turn. He kept going through his belongings.

"Trash, trash, keep, trash..."

"Throwing everything out is not going to make you feel better." Hawke remarked in an almost uplifting way. Anders turned and looked at him.

"Should I feel better? You were the only one keeping me from murdering an innocent girl! It's all gone wrong. Justice and I. We are just a monster. The same as any abomination." He sighed hopelessly and the look on Hawke's face was almost one of shock.

"So you are just going to give up? Let the templars win?" Hawke almost laughed with disbelief.

"Maybe they deserve to win. How can I even trust myself to heal anymore? What if that creature of vengeance turns on a patient? Will I resist or will I lose his fury... I could turn on Leila." He breathed, fighting the tears forming in his eyes. Hawke walked forward and held him by the shoulders and looked at him more seriously than ever before.

"You will never harm her. You or Justice. You listened to me and the girl is unharmed, well and not tranquil, thanks to you. Leila means a great deal more to you and I have seen how Justice looks at her. Even in his fury, there is no doubt in my mind that her he will always recognize as his friend. And don't you dare quit on me! There is no way making templars miserable will be fun without you!" He smiled and Anders shook his head.
Hawke handed Anders Ser Alrik's papers. Anders' face lit up as he saw those papers. Meredith, Elthina and the divine had all rejected the idea. The tranquil solution would never have come to pass. The relief he felt was overwhelming. He then saw Leila walking into the clinic. Her eyes saddened, worried and full of compassion.

"I'll better give you two some privacy... I think I am going to go home and make sure we get a decent dinner. We could use that. See you two later." Hawke said with his usual carefree nature and wondered off.

Leila walked closer to Anders with her soft smile and loving eyes.

"Don't come any closer... I don't want to hurt you." He warned, but instead of stopping she took a few hazed steps towards him and embraced him. He should push her away, but he just couldn't and he returned her embrace.

"You should not be here, love. I cannot live with myself if I hurt you." He said pleadingly. She pulled away and looked into his eyes. Gently she dried his tears.

"I trust you not to." She replied and he looked at her and shook his head.

"You have too much faith in me. I am nothing but an abomination and a monster." He replied trying to pull away, but she held him in place.

"Look at me." She replied guiding his head, so that he would look at her. He stroked her cheek fondly.

"I don't see a monster when I look at you. I see someone who has been tormented and depraved for almost two decades. Someone who has to struggle for everything he has and yet he gives it away again so willingly. Despite your rage and your bitterness, you have remained kind, generous and loving. You told me once that you didn't dare to love, but that's not true. For as long as I have known you, you have done nothing else. Your compassion is love. Unconditional love. You might be Justice, but you are also compassion. This was probably what draw Justice too you. He saw you as his equal." She explained softly.

"Why do you always see the best in people?" He asked softly looking down at her with a loving gaze.

"Because I bother to look for it... I love you." She said softly and he pulled her into his embrace hiding his face in the crook of her neck.

"I love you too. I don't deserve you, but you are the only reason I have any sanity left." He breathed. He pulled away and looked down at her.

"I have to find a way to control him... I cannot afford to lose myself to him again." He said seriously.

"I have some money saved up. What do say we get away from awhile? Just you and me. Let me help you and let me teach you what I know." She said softly.

"Where do you want to go?" He smiled, thought his expression was still sad.

"It doesn't matter. You can choose." She replied resting her head on his chest.

"North of here lies Wildervale. There are these beautiful lakes. I have always wanted to see them." He replied kissing her hair.

"Wildervale it is." She smiled and kissed him deeply.

-OOO- two weeks later -OOO-

North of Kirkwall and the Vimmark Mountains is Winderdale. Part of the Freemarches it has two lakes combined by a river. Leila had managed to find a cottage for rent that was isolated, in a forest and only a hundred meters from the lake. Leandra had helped her make the arrangements, as Anders had gone into a deep depression. He was terrified of himself and had completely lost interest in the cause of mages. He was driving himself mad with worry and guilt. Getting out of Kirkwall had helped, but Leila knew that despair was only just one gloomy thought away. They had arrived at the cottage yesterday and after the long journey they had gone straight to bed. Now the morning light was shining through the bedroom window and Leila laid awake just studying Anders' face. He looked so peaceful as he slept. His uneven cut, longish blonde hair was lose and some of it had fallen into his face as he lay on his side facing her. Carefully she reached out and tucked it behind his ear. Even as he slept he looked tired and it pained her to see it. She felt him stirring and close her eyes pretending to sleep. He needed to rest so much and she hoped that if she seemed to be sleeping, he would do so as well.

As he opened his eyes he looked at her lying with her eyes closed. She was pretending to be asleep and undoubtedly for his sake. He couldn't help but smile at this. She did so much for everyone else. In all the time he had known her, she had never done anything for herself. He leaned over and kissed her cheek softly, as his fingers caressed the necklace. She hadn't taken it off since he gave it to her. She could have all the jewellery in the world, but this simple little thing meant more to her than anything else. He got out of bed and walked into the little kitchen. He chuckled again, as he saw the food she had bought for them. All of it was what he liked. He sighed heavily. In a different life they could have lived like this. Isolated from the world and be happy. These two weeks would not be for their amusement alone. Leila had said she wanted to teach him how to get control over his emotions. A task that seemed impossible to him, but he knew that she had found a way to do it. She only gave into them when she chose to. Had she been a mage, there was no doubt in his mind that she would have been extremely powerful. He boiled the water and started preparing everything for breakfast, when Leila came into the kitchen with a sweet smile.

"There is something I want you to do for me." She said with a small smile.

"And that is?" He smiled.

"I want you to think of five things that makes you feel happy and grateful. I want you to remember them and from now on try to make them the first thing, which goes through your mind in the morning and the last at night." She said seriously.

"Alright let's see cats, pie, s..." He began, but she stopped him.

"Not like that. I want you to truly feel the joy it might bring you. You spend so little time giving into those feelings, because you have convinced yourself that you don't deserve them." She explained. He walked over to her and placed his hands on her waist.

"It makes me happy, when I can make you smile." He said while smiling and a bright one formed on her lips. It made his heart flutter and the more she smiled the brighter his own became.

"I am grateful that I am allowed to do this." He said in low voice and kissed her neck, making her sigh instantly. He felt himself smiling against her neck and he could sense warmth going through his system.

"And this." He smiled before kissing her lips and she wrapped her arms around his neck. As he held her close he felt comforted and safe.

"It makes me happy to hear you laugh." He smirked and began tickling her.

"Anders! Stop it!" She laughed and squirmed, as he laughed looking at her. When he finally stopped his attack, he was still chuckling and dried her tears.

"But nothing makes me more happy and grateful, than telling you that I love you." He smiled and as he saw the adoration in her eyes and for once she was left speechless, he felt the extent of his love for her. He pulled her close and began kissing her passionately, as he let all these emotions fill him. His mind kept bringing up all the memories that he loved the most.

"It makes me happy to think of the first time we made love. The feeling of finally having you in my arms, after aching for you for so long." He said as he kissed her down her neck.

"I always smile, when I think about how you made Fenris and Sebastian speechless." He chuckled kissing the other side of her neck.

"What about the time you thought I was a whore? That one is my personal favourite." Leila chuckled and he looked at her with a grin.

"That was horrible! I was halfway on my way to borrow money from Varric, just to become one of your customers." He chuckled.

"You were not!" She objected with a grin.

"Oh, yes I was! And I would have gotten my money's worth too." He teased.

"And to think I have been giving it to you for free." She fake pouted, barely suppressing her laugh and he laughed heartily.

The rest of the morning they spend laughing and talking about anything that made them feel happy. The afternoon she spend teaching him how to meditate. Anything that could calm his rage. Not easy since he had absolutely no patience at all. She had a theory that it was because his mind was always exhausted, that he lost control of his emotions. Justice fed of his emotions and they cascaded inside him. If he learned to replace his anger with something else, perhaps this would make a difference. She also had something else in mind. That evening he was lighting the fire, when she came into the small sitting room.

"I never tire of seeing you do that." She said fondly and he smiled at her.

"That's just because you are terrible at lighting fire." He teased.

"True." She smiled and sat down next to him by the fire.

"I have something for you. I know you have the amulet Garrett gave you, but I would like you to wear this." She said softly and pulled out an amulet and handed it to him. It was round made of half black and half white stone. It fitted in the palm of his hand and was in a silver chain.

"It's beautiful, but what is it?" He asked looking at her.

"This symbol is called Yin and Yang, which means shadow and light. It is a symbol of balance and harmony. When one gets stronger than the other we give into despair, because we need both to realise the other exists. You and Justice seem to be in conflict with each other and I want this to be a reminder to you both, that you are equally important. You need to coexist." She said softly.

"I am trying." He said sadly.

"I know and I have faith in you... both. Now one more thing, put it on and I'll show you something." She smiled and he did as she asked.

"Now think of a memory that makes you truly happy. Something that you can't help but smile at, when you think about it. Got it?" She asked with a smile.

"Yes," He replied and a smile formed on his lips.

"Alright I want you to close your eyes, take your right hand and squeeze the necklace as hard as you can, while you think of this memory. Keep doing it until I tell you to let go." She smiled as he sat there, with his eyes closed and a bright smile forming on his lips. After a few long moments she told him to let go.

"What was the point?" He asked with a smirk and she took his hand.

"The nerves in our bodies have memories. When we come in contact with something it triggers memories in us. Like your mother's pillow. The nerves in your hand now remember how this necklace feels. From now on when you hold it tightly and close your eyes, that memory and the feelings related to it, will reappear in your mind. I want you to do this, when you feel yourself giving into despair and hurt." She smiled and stroked his cheek.

"Where did you learn all this?" He smiled.

"Sometimes we learn out of necessity. When someone else is sick you can't afford to be unhappy, so I found ways to learn to control my emotions. And choose the once I want." She smiled and he leaned forward and kissed her.

"You know... I have been thinking about something all day, which would make me very happy." He said huskily and crawled over her pushed her down on her back.

"Really? Anything I can help you with?" She asked coyly, as he lay above her, one hand supporting him while the other explored her curves. He began kissing her neck and grinding his hips against her making her moan.

"A man named Ghandi once said "Happiness is when what we think, what we say and what we do are in harmony"." She pushed him over and straddled him, as he smiled up at her.

"I know that I love you, I'm telling you that I love you and I'm going to show you that I love you." She purred and kissed him hungrily, as he embraced her.