A/N: Sorry about the lack of updates. I was really busy with school and didn't have any free time. Thankfully I'm on break right now so I'm good to update again. Enjoy!
A few days later, the entire Team sat in the living room/kitchen area of Mount Justice. Robin, whose head had been down the whole time to prevent him from seeing Arsenal, sat on the couch. Arsenal sat on the other end and looked a longing gesture at Kaldur as he did, then glanced away. Three nights of little sleep due to nightmares had whittled down his enthusiasm for talking to his friend. Arsenal watched everyone else in silence. Kaldur sat with his back to Arsenal while Megan mixed something in a bowl in the kitchen. Wally slouched in a chair with his head in his hands and Artemis leaned against the wall beside him. No one said a word. Megan mixed her dough; the only sound in the room.
Back in the main cavern, Batman walked out of the zeta tube to join Martian Manhunter, Captain Marvel, and Red Tornado, who watched the Team on several holo-screens. "How are they?" Batman asked, concerned by the rest of the team's behavior and it's similarities to his boys'.
"I am still shaken by what we wrought," Martian Manhunter replied. "I can only imagine how these youths must feel."
"I know our virtual reality training simulation went…badly." And it would never happen again, lest he, get caught on the wrong side of Wonder Woman's lasso. "But I'd hoped the Team would've rallied by now." Despite his own admission of how bad things were for Arsenal and Robin, part of him wanted to believe whatever it was could be fixed simply by being with their friends.
Clearly, Martian Manhunter didn't agree with him if judged by the look on his face. "Trauma tends to linger, as I'm sure you know, my friend."
"Good thing we have Black Canary."
"She has her work cut out for her."
'She can handle it,' Batman thought, his cowl hiding the worried expression on his face as he stared at the screens. 'She's been dealing with Roy's…multiple horrible traumas for a couple of years. If anyone can get through to them, it'll be her.'
— —
Black Canary walked into the living room and survey the team for a moment. She cleared her throat to get their attention. "We have decided it would beneficial for all of you to…talk about what happened in the simulation with me."
"Why you?" Artemis asked the first one of them to speak in an hour.
"I'm a licensed therapist."
"Do we have a choice?"
"No. Who wants to go first?" No one jumped at the invitation. "We can do this fast or slow. Your choice."
"Fine, I will," Superboy grumbled as he walked over to her. "Let's get this over with fast."
'Therapy's not all that bad,' Arsenal thought. 'I just don't want to go first…' He pulled his arms tighter around his body.
The silence in the room persisted until, eventually, Black Canary came back again a while later. "Who's next in line?" she asked.
"Guess I will," Artemis muttered. She pushed away from the wall and followed Black Canary out of the room. Arsenal tried not to look at her as she left. He couldn't stop thinking about seeing her "die" and the grief that had nearly overtaken his brain when it happened.
'Which is crazy,' he thought. 'Because I don't even like Artemis. Ok, maybe I do. She's not a bad archer. And she's got a lot of spirit. She's not horrible… I don't know.' He wished people were easier to understand. It was hard to have this constant ball of emotions in his chest. He sat back and watched the others for a while. Kaldur still had his back to him and Wally shifted every once in a while. Robin still wouldn't even look at him. And Megan focused on her cookies. 'At least, I think they're cookies. Whatever she's making, I'm sure it is. What she makes usually is. I think so at least.'
When Black Canary returned again Artemis wasn't with her. Before she could say anything, Kaldur moved from his place and walked over to her. Without saying a word, Black Canary smiled at him and lead him out of the room.
'Wonder where Artemis went,' Arsenal thought, slouching down in his seat. 'And Conner for that matter.' A sudden movement from the corner of his eye caused him and Robin to jump, his brother going to the utility belt hidden under his sweater and Arsenal's hand automatically curled up to activate his hidden bow. It was just Wally though. The speedster ran into the kitchen. Megan jumped back as he reached into a cabinet to pull down a bag of microwave popcorn. 'Guess speedsters stomach don't respond to trauma like the rest of us.' Or maybe that was just his. Once Wally had put the popcorn in the microwave Robin went back to looking at the floor and he relaxed. From his spot in the living room, Arsenal could smell the popcorn. As much as he knew it should make him hungry since he'd lost a couple of pounds from not eating for the last week, it made him nauseous. Wanting to escape the smell, Arsenal got up and left the room. He wandered until he found an empty hall and sat down on the ground. 'This sucks,' he thought as he pulled his legs up to his chest.
The sound of footsteps approaching caught his attention right away, but he decided not to acknowledge however it was. Which is why he was surprised when the person stopped, stood next to him for a moment, then sat down beside him.
"Why did you come here?" Kaldur asked him in a quiet voice.
"…Wally's popcorn," Arsenal replied, his voice soft. "The smell made me want to vomit."
"Why?"
"I don't know. Ever since…the exercise my stomach hasn't exactly been accepting of food."
"Oh?" Kaldur frowned and his brow furrowed in worry. "You haven't been eating?"
"I haven't eaten a full meal since that day." There was silence, then Kaldur got up and left him. 'What was that?'
'Your problems finally drove him away,' a voice in his head berated. 'Good job, freak.'
'No! Kal, he wouldn't think I'm a freak. Besides, he's seen my reactions to trauma that are way more intense. I don't think not eating would scare him.' It still strange that he'd just up and left like that though. Luckily he returned after only a minute, carrying a bowl. Roy frowned in confusion as Kaldur returned and sat down so he could place the bowl between them. The bowl was filled to the brim with grapes. "Why the grapes?"
"So you can eat."
"I'm not hungry, Kal."
"Well…I will eat and I would like it if you ate with me. It would be awkward otherwise."
"Kal-"
"Just one? Please?" Roy made the mistake of looking at Kaldur and felt some of his resolve melt at the innocent, pleading look on his face. Kaldur's concern for Roy was written clearly all over his face.
"Alright. One." Roy picked a grape off the top of the bowl and put it in his mouth. He ate it then looked at Kaldur. His friend simply ate one as well. The two of them sat in silence for a minute.
"Can you eat another one?"
"You said one."
"Please?"
Arsenal sighed. 'I can't say no when he asks like that.' He took another grape and ate it. Kaldur followed his lead. "How've you been?"
"Better than you I am sure. You do not look like you have slept in many days."
"Accurate observation. We're talking about you though."
"You struggling-"
"I'm always struggling. Have been for the last three or four years. That's old hat. How've you been?"
"…I am unsure. I have had trouble sleep and eating myself."
"Oh yeah?" Arsenal held up the bowl. "Your turn then. Eat a grape."
"I am certain I have eaten more than you have in the past week."
"Doesn't matter, eat a grape."
"Fine." Kaldur ate a grape, then gave Arsenal a look. Arsenal ate one as well, then set down the bowl. "Can I ask you something?"
"Sure, I guess."
"….Why did you say behind with me? You should have gone on ahead with the others."
Arsenal didn't need to ask what he meant. He swallowed and looked down at his knees. "I couldn't leave you, Kal."
"Why though?"
"You're my best friend! The person who I feel closest to besides my brother. You're….funny, and witty, and you make me feel safe and you're understanding. You're a total badass in battle and you're so confident. You're…you're amazing. You are. I-" Arsenal faltered, realizing where the train of thought taking him. Anxiety flared up inside him and he could feel the words on the tip of his tongue. Looking into his friend's eyes though, Arsenal realized he couldn't hold back. It felt like he needed to tell Kaldur the truth before his heart burst from his chest. "I-I like you, Kal. And…not just…as a friend. I have…a crush on you."
Kaldur's eyes widened. "You- You do?"
"I do." Kaldur just stared at him. "Please say something…" There was another fun minute of staring before Kaldur burst out laughing. The sound, while a wonderful sound caused Arsenal anxiety. "What- What's so funny?"
"You- You do not understand how long I have waited for you to tell me that!" Kaldur took a breath but kept laughing.
"But why is it funny?"
"…Do not worry, my friend. It is not important." He sobered up and looked at Arsenal with a not-quite-a-smile on his face. "But, you mean that?"
"Yeah, I do."
"I have been dreaming of hearing you say that for months."
"Months?! Why- Why did you never say anything?"
"…I was afraid…" Not a lie, he had been terrified of Batman.
"So…we both…have feelings for each other?"
"It looks that way."
"Ok, cool. So…what now?"
"I am not sure about the surface, but back home I would ask you to go out with me."
"I think that's how it's done on the surface."
"What is considered a date on the surface?"
"I- I don't know. I've never…you know…."
"Hm… Well, I will put some thought into it and come up with a great first date."
"Ok. That sounds good." For the first time in a week, Arsenal felt levity and he ate two grapes.
— —
"Hurt?" Robin repeated after Black Canary's question, in disbelief. "Try traumatized. I finally become the leader and wind up sending all of my friends, and my brother, to their deaths. I-I know I did what I had to do. But I hated it. When we started this team I was desperate to be in charge. Not anymore. And-and that's not even the worst of it. …Y-You can't tell Batman."
"Nothing leaves this room," Black Canary promised him.
"I always wanted- expected, to-to grow up and-and become him. And the hero bit? I'm still all in. But that thing, inside of him, the- the thing that drives him to sacrifice everyone and everything for the sake of his mission….that's not me. I-I don't want to be…the Batman, anymore."
"Robin- Dick." Robin's head shot up and Black Canary gave him a reassuring look. "This room is comely secure. It's the room where I do Roy's therapy. Not wanting to be Batman isn't a bad thing."
"But…he expects me to, isn't that why he trained me?"
"Whether he wants your or not, vigilante work has always been your choice, right?"
"Yes."
"I know your desire to do good and help people goes beyond whatever reasons Batman may have had for you. That's what drives you, Robin. Nothing else. And it's not something that Batman, or I, nor anyone else can take away from you."
"…Thanks." He didn't want to admit it, but Black Canary's fight in him did make him feel better.
"Can I ask you something else?"
"Go for it, I guess."
"You mentioned that one of the people you sent to their deaths was Roy." She saw the teen flinch behind his sunglasses. "How does that make you feel?"
"How does it make me feel?! Roy died because of what I did! He died because of me!"
"I thought he chose to stay with Kaldur?"
"He did it because I- I lied. I lied when Wally asked if I thought the beams could be transporting people somewhere instead of killing them. I lied and said yes. Roy heard that and…what if that's why he stayed?! What if he thought it was because his brother told him he wouldn't die?!"
"I don't believe the reason he chose to stay is only because of what you said. That just doesn't sound like Roy. Have you told him yet? That you lied?"
"No! I-I can't! You know how he is. He hates when people lie to him. It's even worse when it's people he trusts. If he knows I lied…it would crush him. He'd never trust me again! He'd hate me!"
"While I understand that Roy might not react well to the news, Dick, you need to consider the alternative. What happens if he finds out you lied from someone else? Do you think that will make it better?"
"…No. It would be worse."
"You can't make things better by avoiding him, Dick. You need to tell him the truth yourself."
"…You're right. I just…don't know how."
"Just tell him what happened. You never know, he might surprise you."
"…Maybe." But he doubted it.
"Anything else you'd like to discuss?"
"No. That's fine."
"Ok. If you change your mind, you know where to find me, or your brother. I'm sure he's always willing to listen."
"I- ok."
"Speaking of Roy, can you tell him I'd like to talk to him now?"
"Yeah, sure." Robin got up and left the room, feeling better than when he'd entered it. It'd felt good to finally get everything off his chest, even if only half of his worries were appeased. 'Tell Roy?' he thought as he walked. 'How can I do that? He'd never forgive me! She's right though. If I don't tell him and he finds out from someone else it'll just…make everything so much worse. I- I guess I have no choice but to tell him then.' He turned a corner and stopped. Arsenal and Kaldur sat in the hall. From a distance, Robin could see the bowl of grapes they ate and how intimate their conversation seemed. Robin hesitated for a second before approaching them. Arsenal's head looked toward him when he was halfway to them. 'He must've heard me coming.' He stooped when he reached them. "Black Canary wants to talk to you next, Arsenal."
"Ok," Arsenal replied. "Thanks."
Robin nodded in reply, then turned away. 'I need to…keep my distance for now. When we get home I'll tell him.'
Meanwhile, Arsenal watched his younger brother go with worry and guilt. Kaldur noticed the guilt and squeezed his hand. He expected some kind of a response, but the archer merely shook his head. 'I shouldn't be happy,' Arsenal thought as he stood. 'I shouldn't be. I betrayed my brother, how can I be happy?' But he wanted to be happy. Despite the crushing guilt, part of him felt tired from the constant negative emotions. He wanted the positive feelings to have some control over his brain again. These conflicting feelings plagued him as he walked into the room. It felt like muscle memory to go into the room and sit across from Dinah. He took off his sunglasses.
"Hi, Roy," she said.
"Hi."
"Where do you want to start?"
Roy looked at his hands. "I don't know. The whole…simulation…it all feels… I just don't know."
"How have you been this week? You look tired."
"The nightmares are back. I've been having two or three a night." A look of sympathy passed over Dinah's face. "I can't eat. I've had a couple of panic attacks. So…it hasn't been going well."
"I can tell. Why do you think it's been so bad?"
"…I-I betrayed my brother."
'…Bruce has to teach these boys to talk to each other.' Dinah had to bury her slight anger towards Bruce for the moment though. "Why do you think that?"
"I- I chose Kal over him! I could've gone with Dick, but I didn't! I died and left him alone!"
"Roy, breathe. Keep breathe. Good. Now, why is it bad you chose to stay with Kaldur?"
"Because…Dick's my brother. I- I left them alone. I know what it's like to be alone and I-I did that to him…."
Dinah gave him a sympathetic look. "Why did you choose to stay behind with Kaldur?"
"…I just couldn't let him die alone. I- I just couldn't. I know- I know what it's like to think you'll die alone and I couldn't let him go through that."
"From what I'm hearing, it sounds like you were in a no-win situation."
"I- I guess so."
"Which was the point of this exercise, wasn't it? To see how you all would react when put in an un-winnable situation?"
"Yeah, but… I abandoned my brother."
"Dying and abandonment aren't the same, Roy. You made the decision to stand with your teammate, knowing it would cost you your life. That is a heroic choice. To stand and face death is no small feat."
"I bet he thinks I chose Kaldur over him."
"Have you asked Dick?"
"…No."
"Then I think you should. Talk to him and explained why you did it."
"You think he'll understand?"
"He's your brother, why wouldn't he?"
"…I guess."
"You're brave enough to face death, you're brave enough to do this."
"…Thanks."
"What happens in your nightmares?"
Roy stiffened. "It's…complicated. I don't…know how to explain it."
"Try."
He knew that would come. "Ok, well… They're kind of different each time? Except, its the same idea. I'm there and…Oliver's there."
"He is?"
"Mhm. And he's like…going to get shot or he's hanging off a building or he needs to hide from the police. So he asks me for help. And somehow, I know the if I don't help him he'll die."
"So it's not that you're killing him, but your action could prevent his death?"
"Yeah. Exactly."
"What do you do in these dreams? Do you act?"
"No. I'm always too confused. I never know what to do."
Dinah could sense there was a lot more to this situation than Roy said, and if her suspicion was correct, then she wasn't the person Roy needed to talk to about this. "Roy, if hypothetically, you were in this situation, what would you do?"
"What do you mean?"
"If Oliver was about to die and your action could save his life, what would you do?"
"I- I don't know. What do you think I should do?"
"…I think you need to talk to Bruce about this."
"Why?"
"Because he's your mentor and he cares about you."
"…Ok."
"How have you been dealing with the nightmares?"
Roy sighed. "I've tried writing them down and re-imagining them… Except, the ones with Ollie in them. But it hasn't been working. Bruce thinks I need to start taking the Prazosin again."
"Hmm. You haven't had a good night's sleep in a week, I think he's right." She watched his face fall. "I know you don't like some of the side-effects, but do you want to keep going with only three hours of sleep a night?"
"No…"
"And when you took it the nightmares decreased, didn't they?"
"…Yes."
"I think it's a good idea that you take it then."
"For how long?"
"Until you're sleeping through the night, 8 hours uninterrupted, for at least 5 or 6 days a week."
"Ok."
"Anything else?'
"No. It's just been a long week."
"I'm sure. You'll feel better when you've slept and your brain has had a chance to rest."
"I hope so. Can I go?"
"Of course. I'll see you next week."
"Yeah. Next week." Roy got up, put his sunglasses on, and walked toward the door, but stopped to look back at her. "Thank you."
"You're welcome."
As soon as Arsenal exited the room, he ran into Artemis. The two of them stood there, staring at each other in silence for a minute. Finally, Arsenal was the one to speak. "Hey," he said.
"Hey," Artemis replied, crossing her arms. "Did you just have your…talk with Black Canary?"
"Yeah. And you already had yours?"
"Yup." She glanced down, then looked up at him. "Can I ask you something?"
"Sure, I guess."
"Did you…die when I did in the exercise?"
"No, I uh… I slipped on some ice and the beam missed me."
Artemis stared at him for a moment before bursting into laughter. "I- I'm sorry! But that… That's just so stupid! You were tine day Batman and the reason you didn't die was that you slipped on ice!"
A snort escaped Arsenal. "I mean…when you say it like that it does sound kind of ridiculous." It took a few tries but Artemis eventually managed to get her laughter under control. "Uh…Just so you know, I was sad when I thought you'd…died."
"…Thanks."
"Sure. I'm going to go find Kaldur."
"Ok. Guess I'll see you then."
"Yeah." Arsenal stepped around her, then set off to find his friend.
— —
Later that day, once Roy and Dick were back in the Bat Cave, Dick hung back, watching as Roy headed for the stairs. 'I have to tell him,' he thought as he followed his brother up the stairs. 'I have to tell him. Even-even if he hates me. I just need to do it.' It Roy headed for his bedroom, so Dick followed. Once they were on the floor where their rooms were, Dick swallowed. "Roy!" he called.
Roy stopped and turned. "Yeah?" he asked.
'I can't do it!' Dick decided. 'I-I don't want him to hate me. I couldn't handle it if he did.' The emptiness and loneliness he'd felt after losing his family echoed in his chest.
"What's up, Dick?" Instead of saying anything, Dick bolted forward and wrapped his arms around Roy's waist. Roy took half a step back to steady himself. "Uh…Dick?" There was no coherent reply, but he could hear Dick sobbing. "Dick, what's wrong?"
"Please don't hate me… Please…"
"Hate you?! Why would I hate you?"
"Be- Because I lied!"
"When?"
"In the exercise. I-I lied when I said the beams transported people. I lied to you and you died!" Dick looked up at Roy, who was just stared down at him in shock.
"You- You lied to me? Why?"
"I- I had a plan and I just…" Dick couldn't keep going as Roy just stared at him. "Please, don't hate me, Roy."
Roy swallowed as Dick buried his face in his chest. Part of him wanted to be angry. His own brother, someone he was supposed to be able to trust without conditions, had lied to him. About life or death information. But he couldn't. Not when Dick sobbed and clutched him like he was about to disappear. 'He's so sorry…' Roy thought as he smoothed Dick's hair. 'He's crying and he's upset…' His brother had lied, but Dick's repentance was evident in his tears. "Dick… I didn't die because you lied."
"Yes, you did! I said that and you stay behind with Kaldur and died!"
"No, Dick." Roy kept smoking his younger brother's hair. "Dick, look at me." Dick lifted this head. "I didn't choose to stay because I thought I'd survive. I didn't know if I would live or not. The only thing I thought about was how I couldn't leave Kaldur alone and we needed to stop the aliens from getting through the zeta. What you said wasn't on my mind."
"Are you sure?" The sobbing had stopped, and Dick stared at him with a hopeful look in his eyes.
"Yes. I promise I don't hate you."
"It doesn't bother you that I lied?"
"It does…but I'm not angry. More just…uncomfortable. And I wish you wouldn't do it again."
"I won't, I promise."
"Ok, then…I believe you." Dick smiled, tear tracks still visible on his face, then hugged Roy even tighter. "Besides, I'm the one who should be apologizing to you."
"Why?"
"Because I abandoned you. I chose to stay with Kaldur over you."
"You didn't choose Kaldur over me, you sacrificed yourself to make sure our transportation was safe. Besides, Kaldur's important to you too. I know that."
'If only you knew how much,' Roy thought. "But…you don't think I abandoned you?"
"No. Someone dying isn't abandonment. I was upset but I didn't feel betrayed."
"Thanks, Dick." The two of them hugged for a few moments.
"I'm glad you don't hate me."
"Me too."
"You know what this means?"
"What?"
"Black Canary was right."
Roy chuckled. "In my experience she usually is."
"Do you want to go play some video games or something?"
"Sure, but only until Bruce gets home. I have to talk to him too."
"Have fun with that." Dick grabbed Roy's hand and pulled him down the hall. "Let's go!"
Roy smiled as Dick led him to the game room.
— —
When Bruce came home, it wasn't until after dinner. He sat at the Bat-computer when Roy came downstairs. "Need something, Roy?" Bruce asked, turning around in his chair.
"It's kind of creepy when you do that," Roy admitted.
"I know." Bruce still wore his bat suit sans cowl. "What's wrong?"
"I've been having these nightmares, ever since the exercise. It's…always the same…format. I'm there and Ollie's there…"
"Oliver?"
"Yeah. He's…in danger and I could save him. If I don't then he'll die."
"How?"
"I could shoot an arrow down a gun barrel or help him on to the roof of a building. And…if, theoretically, I were to be in this situation-"
"You wouldn't be."
"But hypothetically, if I did, what should I do Should I save him?"
Thankfully, Bruce was able to suppress his initial response; which was no. Under no circumstances, did Bruce think Roy should save Oliver's life. 'Oliver doesn't deserve to breathe the same air as Roy, much less have his life saved by him.' But, deep down, Bruce knew that wasn't the answer Roy wanted. Because he knew Roy. "If you are in a position to save Oliver's life…I wouldn't judge you for doing so."
"You- You wouldn't?"
"No. That decision would be yours alone and if you save him, I'd support you."
"It wouldn't make me crazy?"
"No, Roy. You wouldn't be crazy."
"Ok." Roy's body language was relaxed and his voice betrayed how relieved he was. Dick's feet pounding on the steps reached his ears which ended their conversation.
"Are we getting ready for patrol?" Dick asked.
"…Of course," Bruce told him, relief flooding him that the boys wanted to be patrolling again. "Go get dressed."
"Feels like forever since we've been on patrol," Roy said to Dick as they headed toward their suits.
"I know," Dick agreed. "Think the criminals forgot what we looked like?"
"We should give them a strong reminder then."
"Let's go!"
