Admitting How I Feel


21:10 | Friday | Unknown


"You have to tell Arthur about the cure," Morgana said after a few minutes of silence and Merlin looked over at her from where he sat leant against the wall. "When he finds out you lied to him by not telling him there was a chance to save you, it'll destroy him."

"And you think that by telling him that killing his sister would save me that would help? That would destroy him. I won't make him choose Morgana, I'm not that type of person." Looking back at his hand, he resisted using his magic that usually calmed him and curled his fingers into a fist. He wished he was the type of person who could be selfish and tell Arthur to choose him, that Morgana had done so much wrong that he deserved to live over her.

"If you don't tell him, I will."

Merlin couldn't help but let out a small laugh, "How are you going to do that? I sent him home where he'll be safe from all this and there's no way you can get to him, I designed those chains myself so only I and one other person knows how to free you."

"She'll find a way."

He frowned a little at the thought of this woman trying to destroy what he now thought of as home and wondered why she was doing all of this. This light the shadows kept referring to was what she had been planning to extinguish, now she was just going to kill the host. Arthur. What had suddenly changed her mind? Did she fear that over time Merlin would become stronger and too powerful to defeat? She didn't have to worry of that now since he had little time left. Her actions made no sense and he knew that only she could explain herself, not even Morgana understood her plan.

"Kill me," Morgana suddenly whispered and he looked her way to see her staring at the ground. "She'll control me again if I'm released from these chains, I don't want to go back to that life where I don't have my freedom. At least if I'm dead you'll be here to protect Arthur from people like her and I'll know he's safe."

"I'm not going to-"

"Then get someone else to do it. Do you think it's easy to know that I might be responsible for my brother's death? I'd rather die protecting him then live with the knowledge that I killed him."

"You haven't killed him."

"Fine, lets say he survives all this. That whoever this woman is dies by your hand and in doing so, kills you in the process. I then get to watch my brother's heart break into a million pieces because of something I started. If you kill me, he'll know I died trying to help him and he'll still have you. You know this is the only way."

Merlin got to his feet and walked over to her, taking a seat by her side without any fear that she'd attack him. "You told me that you were being controlled by this woman and her instructions were to kill me, correct?" Morgana nodded with a guilty look on her face, she had come close to killing him quite a few times. "Yet you never did. You couldn't kill me any more then I can kill you. Your heart is strong and you unconsciously fought her orders, if you wanted me dead you could have done it quite easily in the past." Back when he hadn't had any training that is.

"But I have killed you. If you don't kill me, you will die."

"If that is my destiny, so be it." Grasping her hand in his own with a soft squeeze, Merlin pressed a soft kiss to her cheek and smiled. "I would have liked to have you as my sister if things were different." Moving away before he said anything else, Merlin went towards the door and tried to ignore the gaze he knew followed him.

"I come tomorrow," Morgana suddenly said in a low voice and Merlin turned to see her eyes had turned red. He didn't know how it was possible, but the woman controlling Morgana had fought past the spells he had put on the chains and had now taken over her body. "The sun will set as you take your last breath Merlin Emrys."

Her body sunk to the floor as she passed out and Merlin remained numb as he made his way out into the main chamber of the cave, a small hole in the ceiling allowing the last remaining beams of sunlight break through. As his blue eyes watched the sun set, Merlin fought the tears that threatened to run down his face as the knowledge came crashing down that he might only have twenty-four hours to live.

"What did she say?" His Father said from beside him and Merlin didn't bother to look at Balinor. He didn't want him to see how close to breaking Merlin really was.

"Whatever this person has planned it's going to happen tomorrow. I suggest everyone gets some sleep and we have a meeting tomorrow morning." Merlin didn't wait around to hear Balinor's reply, instead he went towards his tent where a cold, empty bed awaited him.


22:39 | Friday | Unknown


He rolled over in his bed for what felt like the hundredth time and sighed, knowing that what felt like hours had been merely minutes. How could he possibly fall asleep when the thought of dying tomorrow wouldn't leave his mind? There was so much he hadn't done and there were so many things he had taken for granted. Apparently it was the little things he missed the most.

Just as he was going to roll over again, magic filled the air and he got to his feet as a dark figure appeared in the corner. "Who are you? What do you want?" Merlin asked and raised his hand, ready to fight whoever it was. Maybe the woman had gotten bored of waiting and had decided that letting Merlin have one final day to live was too generous.

"It's me."

As Arthur stepped forward and into the light coming through the gap in the tent door, Merlin resisted running straight into his arms in seek of comfort. He looked so strong and his arms looked like they were made to keep someone safe, specifically him. "How did you get here?" Merlin asked quietly.

"Does it matter? I got here and now we need to talk."

"No, we need to get you back home." Merlin went towards the exit and two arms came around his waist, his back now pulled up hard against Arthur's chest. He instantly sunk into the warmth Arthur provided and his hands unconsciously began to run across the arms around him, "You shouldn't be here."

"There's nowhere else I'd rather be," a soft whisper came against his ear. "You feel tense. What's happened whilst I was gone?"

"I talked to Morgana and found out that a woman has been controlling her," he admitted before he could stop himself. "She attacks tomorrow."

"Then I guess we have tonight to ourselves."

Merlin moved away from Arthur and crossed his arms over his chest, "I'll organise somewhere for you-"

"What's the matter with you?" Arthur said loudly which made Merlin jump. "I spent the whole day trying to get back here and now that I am, you want to send me away? Have you forgotten everything that happened between us? Do I mean nothing to you?"

Arthur meant everything to him and that was why he had to send him away. He would fight demons and monsters, die protecting the people he cared for, but he couldn't face tomorrow if he had one night with Arthur. It would be too hard to leave him. "You think you're going to die tomorrow don't you? That's why you're being so distant. Easier to die when you don't have anything to lose right?"

"We shouldn't-"

"I'm not going to let you go out there and die without knowing how I feel. I didn't wait a year to then watch you die." Arthur was in front of him in a second and if Merlin didn't know any better he could have sworn it was like magic. "When you were gone, all I could think about was your goofy smile and how there was never a dull moment with you. Whenever I'm around you I feel like I can do anything and tomorrow I'm going to prove that. I'll go out there and fight by your side."

"You'll get yourself killed."

"That's the thing Merlin, I don't think I will. Our life isn't like a story you read in a book, we're not going into battle where one of us will die before we get the chance to express our feelings. Me and you, we're going to survive this. We'll defeat this woman who's out to get us and come out the other side stronger then ever. Just imagine it Merlin, no more training or hiding, we can be together." Arthur took his hands into his own and smiled, "Forever hopefully."

Was it possible for your heart to literally break? Merlin thought so. Arthur was talking about their future and smiling like an idiot, having no idea that Merlin couldn't make those ideas come true. Raising his hand slowly, Merlin cupped the side of his face and tilted his head to the side. "If only it were that easy."

"It is that easy." He couldn't stop Arthur from kissing him even if he wanted to and as a hand slipped behind the nape of his neck, Merlin forgot for a moment that he should be fighting this. His heart even skipped a beat when Arthur's fingers brushed against his ear and his own hands clutched at Arthur's shoulders, holding him in place as they pulled apart. Resting his forehead against Arthur's, his eyes remained closed and a small smile appeared on his lips. If he could stay right here in this moment, that would be perfect. "I love you."

Correction, any moment but this one would be perfect.

"I'm sorry?" Merlin said whilst pulling away with wide eyes.

"I. Love. You." Arthur repeated and his feet were already carrying him backwards. No, this couldn't happen. Arthur couldn't be telling him the one thing he had waited his entire life to hear from someone on the last night he had alive. That wasn't fair, to die knowing that he could have had something many spent their entire lives searching for. "See, I've already made sure our lives aren't a story. You're not going to face tomorrow without knowing that I love you."

"You can't do this to me Arthur. Everything isn't suddenly okay because you suddenly say …" his voice drifted off as he failed to say the three words.

"That I love you? Why does it bother you so much?" Arthur stepped forward and forced Merlin back into a corner of the tent. "How do you feel about me then?" His gaze dropped to the floor to avoid Arthur's intense gaze, "Tell me."

"I have nothing-" his breath caught in his throat as Arthur dipped his head and brushed his soft lips against his neck "-you're not being fair." Arthur murmured something as his lips moved to nibble on his ear as his hands played with the bottom of his top. "We can't do this. You can't just say you.."

"Love is the word you're looking for," Arthur whispered quietly.

"You can't just say that and expect me to change my mind about tonight. You'd be safer at home."

"Keep talking all you want, it's not going to stop me from being with you tonight and telling you over and over again how I feel." Arthur somehow managed to pull Merlin's top off without much resistance, "Tonight will be the first night of many where we're together and there's nothing in the world we can't defeat."

If only that were true.


23:07 | Friday | Unknown


"You know it's not normal to look sad after what we did," Arthur put bluntly as he brushed the hair from Merlin's forehead and waited for a reply. He knew he had spooked Merlin a little when he'd told him how much he felt for him, that he was rushing things but he hadn't expected this reaction. "Is something the matter?"

"No, everything is perfect." Soft fingers trailed down his chest and Merlin didn't attempt to meet his gaze as he did so. "How did you get here anyway? Did Freya come and get you or something?"

"It doesn't matter," he replied and cupped Merlin's face so he looked up. "I'm here and I'm not going anywhere." The look that had been haunting Merlin's face since he arrived appeared again and Arthur frowned, "Please tell me what the matter is. If you really think tomorrow is end game then we'll find a way to beat this thing. Tomorrow we can-"

He was cut off when Merlin pushed him away and rolled over, giving him the clear signal that he didn't want to talk. Something was wrong with him and he was hiding it from Arthur, probably to protect him like usual. Hooking an arm around Merlin's waist, he pulled him back against him and nuzzled the back of his neck. "Fine, different subject. You still haven't told me how you feel about me."

"I thought it was obvious," he muttered and Arthur felt his heart melt when a hand came to hold his.

"Say for one second that I was an idiot and didn't know how you felt, give a guy a break and tell me." Merlin buried his head into the pillow in an attempt to hide and Arthur forced him to lie on his back, facing him with closed eyes. "It's a simple question."

"That doesn't involve a simple answer."

"Stop being scared and just-"

"Of course I love you," he quietly admitted and two blue eyes suddenly stared up at him as a smile came to his lips, "Prat."


07:08 | Saturday | Unknown


Merlin pulled on his top and glanced over at the sleeping figure on the small single bed. Last night had been something out of his dreams, where he got the guy he wanted and he'd fallen asleep being told he was loved. If there was one thing he could change was that he hadn't wasted any time when with Arthur. That from the moment he knew how he felt for Arthur he had taken action rather then deny it.

"Hello?" Freya said quietly as she ducked her head into the tent and smiled in his direction, "Ready to head to the meeting? Everyone's … waiting." Her voice quietened when Merlin shushed her and nodded in the direction of Arthur. Freya's confused expression quickly turned into one of amusement and she went over to look down at him, "He's cute when he sleeps."

"Leave him alone, he's resting."

"Keep him up late last night after you fetched him from his own bed?"

"I didn't get him. He somehow found a way to get here and well … I never could resist a tall blond with gorgeous eyes." Arthur made a small noise like he knew he was being talked about and Merlin grabbed Freya by the arm so he could drag her from the tent. "How could he possibly get here? I thought this place was protected."

"Mystery to me. Last I heard you had to be taken here by one of us or had to know its exact location, which he doesn't. To him this is just a huge cave, he has no idea that it's mere miles from where he lives." Freya linked their arms and pulled him in the direction of the meeting, "Going to tell him that he could have easily found you during the last year?"

"No, he doesn't need to know that. The knowledge doesn't change anything."

He moved away from her as they entered the main center tent and went over to where his Father stood at the head of the table, "Everything alright?"

"Oh yeah, we're about to be attacked and my Son is probably going to die today. Everything is perfect." Balinor took his seat and Merlin got the message that he wasn't in the mood to be bothered. Taking his own seat a few chairs down, he exchanged a glance with Freya and zoned out a little as people began to file in. His thoughts now returning to the guy lying in his bed back in his tent and a smile came to his lips. At least he could get through this meeting with a nice image in mind.


And I have returned, after birthdays and celebrations, I shall now be back to regular updates. I hope you enjoyed the latest installment and let the drama begin!