Chapter XXIX
For what felt like hours, no one moved. No one spoke. Ben remained as still as a statue as he stared into Ava's eyes, once vibrant with fire and mischief. Now only cold seemed to radiate from them- their blue turned almost white. Richard still held onto the Mord'Sith's hand, squeezing it occasionally as if trying to wake her up. He didn't look at her at all. He couldn't. The guilt was all-encompassing, seemingly spreading with every breath. Kahlan had gone eerily quiet, still holding the woman's head to her chest as she rocked her. The hand that had been holding hers now moved to Ava's cheek, caressing it gently as it grew colder and colder. The three of them could've stayed there forever, mourning their friend, but a sound soon startled them out of their trances. All three occupants nearly jumped out of their skin before realizing where the sound was coming from. A low groan escaped Cara's lips as she had been placed against the wall of the room when Kahlan had ran after Rahl. Richard moved immediately, kneeling by his friend's side as she drifted in and out of consciousness. She managed to open her eyes briefly and raise them to meet Richard's. The man almost broke into tears as a look of unfamiliarity crossed the blonde's features. Did she even know who he was or why he was here? Would she ever remember? Did they just sacrifice Ava's life for that of a ghost's? Glancing back at his wife, Richard took in her blank expression and tear stained face. His heart broke all over again as he saw Kahlan's eyes drift from Cara's eyes to Ava's wound.
"Ben," Richard's voice was low, almost a whisper, "please take Cara outside. She doesn't need to spend another minute here." Wordlessly, the large D'Haran nodded once and scooped the woman into his arms as if she weighed nothing. Richard resumed his position by Ava and Kahlan's side, reaching out to touch his wife's hand. It was almost as cold as Ava's. Biting his tongue to remain as composed as possible, Richard reached out and went to close Ava's eyes.
"Don't touch her." Kahlan breathed, pressing the woman closer to herself.
"Kahlan," he blinked rapidly, "she's gone."
"No," the brunette shook her head quickly, "she's just resting." The denial itself caused a tear to fall down Richard's cheek.
"I'm sorry, Kahlan." He said calmly. "She loved you and Cara very much. She's the reason we got to her in time but she accepted the risks. She knew what could happen when we got here and-"
"I was right there." Kahlan hadn't seemed to hear a word he'd said. "I was less than a foot away and all I could do was…watch."
"This is not your fault." Richard took his wife's hand in a tight grip. "All of this is Rahl's doing and you killed him. You made sure he can never hurt anyone again."
"I don't care." Kahlan mumbled a phrase she had never said before. "I don't care about Rahl or the people he hurt or anything. I just…I just want Ava back."
"I know it hurts." Richard squeezed her hand, cupping her cheek and forcing her to look at him. The look in the Confessor's eyes nearly tore his heart in half. "But we have to be strong now. We have to be like her. You know she would want that."
"She would want to be alive." Kahlan ground her teeth in anger, retracting from Richard's touch. "She would want to see Cara and Lila again. She would want to…to be with us."
"You're right." Richard nodded. "It's unfair and cruel but she loved you, Kahlan. Above all, she loved you. She wouldn't want you to blame yourself."
"I wish I could bring him back." The tone of her voice changed as Kahlan narrowed her gaze. "I wish I could bring him back just so I could find brand new ways to kill him over and over and over again." The admission gave Richard pause, having never heard Kahlan wish something so violent. His silence made her frown as she heard herself. With a shaky breath, she pressed her face to Ava's head. "Oh Spirits, what have I become?"
"There is nothing wrong with you, Kahlan." Richard insisted, once again seeing the turmoil that had been inside Kahlan since her return. "You went through something terrible but just because it changed you, doesn't mean it was for the worse. You are not a monster for wanting revenge." Kahlan continued to cry into Ava's hair, continuing to rock her like she would a child who had scrapped their knee. Richard reached out and placed a hand on her back, wanting her to know he was there in case she needed him. Several more minutes passed before Kahlan finally lowered Ava enough to see her face.
"I love you too, Ava." She cried, stroking the woman's cheek. "And I always will. You were right though- we will see each other again." Tears falling from her face to Ava's, Kahlan leaned forward and pressed a kiss to the Mord'Sith's forehead. With trembling hands, she reached down and closed the woman's eyes forever before placing her gently onto the ground. Richard made his way around her and began lifting the blonde into his arms. Looking back to make sure Kahlan was ready, the two slowly made their way out of the cursed temple. As they caught sight of a fire in the cave they had camped in the previous night, Kahlan looked back one last time. Her heart nearly stopped in her chest as she could've sworn she saw a figure in a black hood with long, white hair waving at her through a window.
The group of three took their time setting up their camp. They worked slowly, almost sluggishly, partially because of their exhaustion but also wary of falling asleep. Kahlan had told the men of the creature they had encountered and how she still lurked the halls of the temple. That alone was enough to rattle them. However, there was the matter of the three corpses they had left behind. While they were their enemies and the cause of so much pain, no one felt right about leaving them there to rot. Richard wanted to retrieve the bodies and bury them outside the temple but Kahlan argued adamantly against it. With Selene there, it simply wasn't safe. It wasn't until Ben offered to join that Kahlan had no choice but to relent.
"Stay with them." Richard had told her. "Stay with Cara." Kahlan gave him a single, wordless nod before watching the men begin to trek back towards the snowy temple. Their silhouettes were lost almost instantly in the storm that had been brewing since their arrival. Pacing in front of the fire, Kahlan fought the urge to sit by Ava's side. She knew it would only upset her further. Besides, there was someone else who could use her comfort- someone whose heart still beat. As Kahlan knelt by Cara's bedroll, she watched the woman fidget in her sleep. No doubt plagued by nightmares, the Confessor found herself feeling useless once again. In an effort to calm her friend, Kahlan gently placed her hand in the blonde's just as she had in the temple. The second they touched, however, Cara's eyes shot open and her hand jerked away. If Kahlan didn't know better, she would say that the once beautiful, vibrant blue was now filled with panic and fear. Cara attempted to sit upright, stopped only by the pain that encompassed her.
"It's alright." Kahlan held up her hands defensively to show that she meant no harm. "I'm sorry I woke you. You were having a nightmare." Cara's face remained expressionless, as if she hadn't heard the Confessor at all. "Do you remember what happened?" After a frown and several seconds of what looked like intense concentration, the blonde nodded slowly. Kahlan's heartbreak over Ava was almost momentarily forgotten as she finally got Cara to react. "You're safe now, Cara. Rahl can never hurt you, or anyone else, again." An almost doe-like look crossed the Mord'Sith's eyes as if to ask 'really?'. Kahlan felt another, sudden wave of tears coming as she wondered why Cara refused to speak to her. Her heart pounded violently, seemingly pumping the ache it felt throughout her entire body. Refusing to relent her gaze into Cara's eyes, Kahlan felt tear after tear begin to fall. The Mord'Sith seemed almost confused but Kahlan knew that the real Cara was in there. She always was. As Kahlan's shoulders shook with the force of her sobs, she tried to beg Cara to wake up. Most of it was indecipherable.
"It's alright if you're upset with me." She cried. "I promised I'd come for you and it…it took so long and now you don't even seem to recognize me." Thought after thought poured out as Kahlan broke down, sobbing hysterically over the pain of losing her and now Ava. Cara's blank stare watched, struggling to understand half of what the woman was upset about. However, as Kahlan dropped her face into her hands and wept uncontrollably, the blonde did something unexpected. She placed her hand on top of Kahlan's head and gently stroked the woman's hair. The physical contact alone was enough to shock her but Kahlan was especially surprised at the intimate nature of the touch. That was exceedingly rare for Cara even before all this. The crying stopped almost immediately as Kahlan didn't want to startle or give Cara a reason to regret reaching out. Instead, the two sat there, Cara trying her best to comfort someone she'd once loved and Kahlan promising herself that she would do anything to repair the rift that had formed between them.
The climb up the mountain had taken the group of four two days. Now, with Ben assisting Cara and Richard dragging Ava's body on a roughly made stretcher, it took almost four. Finally, they could see the large dome of the library in Palindor and Kahlan almost deflated with relief. She was glad to be out of the cold but mostly, she was thrilled to be away from the temple. Arriving in the dead of night, Richard was quick to make the arrangements at the same inn they had stayed in before their departure. Shaw's brother, Amon, was more than happy to provide them with food and accommodations for as long as they needed. It was difficult to say how long they would be staying. Cara was in no condition to travel and, if they were honest, the others were in no rush either.
"We should call for Zedd." Richard suggested. "He can help Cara get back on her feet faster and…and help us get Ava home." They both knew what he meant. If there was no magic involved, Ava would have to be buried here, in a place that held no significance to her. No one wanted that. Dreading the message she was about to write to Zedd, Kahlan removed the journey book from her pack and waited until her hand stopped trembling.
Zedd,
We've found Cara. She's alive. Please make arrangements to join us in Palindor as soon as you can.
The response was almost immediate.
I can be there tomorrow. Do you need me to bring anything? Is everyone alright?
Kahlan bit her lip hard enough to taste blood. She waited too long and Zedd began writing again, anxious for a response.
Are Ben and Ava alright?
He knew that if anything had happened to Richard, Kahlan would not even be able to hold a quill.
No. Ava
She stopped writing, tears mingling with the blood on the paper as she lowered her head. Richard's hand was on her back immediately.
Kahlan, I am so sorry. I know how much you cared for her.
There was a brief pause, as if Zedd was expected a response. When he didn't receive one, he continued.
I will see you soon, my dear. Be strong.
Wordlessly, Kahlan closed the book and tucked it safely into her bag. The innkeeper had given them three rooms- one for Richard and Kahlan, one for Ben, and one for Cara. However, Richard knew not to expect Kahlan to spend much time in theirs. Shuffling her feet, the Mother Confessor went back to Cara's side- a place she had not left since their first night out of the temple. Ava's body was on the furthest bed in the room, covered with a white sheet. Kahlan didn't even glance in that direction as she sat down beside Cara and took the woman's hand. Receiving a small squeeze in return, Kahlan sighed and closed her eyes, attempting to fall asleep. Unbeknownst to her, Richard and Ben remained at the door, watching. Both men clenched their fists in a combination of anger and grief as they took in Kahlan's weary and almost ghostly appearance. She had spoken less than a full sentence since her conversation with Cara. The blonde had become a little more comfortable with their presence but still refused to speak. It only seemed to madden Kahlan further. After everything she had been through- the torture, the escape, the four-year long search for Cara- losing Ava had been what broke her. It hurt both men to see such a proud and powerful woman in this state.
"You should get some rest, Lord Rahl." Ben said softly. "The Wizard will want to discuss what's happened when he arrives." Richard hummed in agreement, slowly closing the door and leaving the sleeping women alone.
"Ben," Richard stopped the man just as he was about to enter the room next to his, "I'm sorry."
"None of this is your fault." Ben frowned.
"I promised her Rahl would never touch her again…and I failed. She was your friend and I'm sorry."
"She was your friend too, Lord Rahl." Ben reminded him. "Darken Rahl deserved his fate a thousand times over. The Mother Confessor was far too generous when she snapped his neck. Don't apologize for something your brother did."
"I should've been there. I should've protected her." Richard shook his head, refusing to understand what Ben was trying to tell him.
"I think we both know what she would say if she heard you say that." Ben almost smiled.
"She'd tell me to get over myself and stand behind her." Richard met the blond man's watery grin with one of his own. Ben chuckled low.
"Exactly." The large D'Haran sighed. "You know, I knew about her feelings for the Mother Confessor from my first week at the Palace. She loved her for years and didn't even know it."
"Kahlan's easy to fall in love with." Richard shrugged.
"Perhaps, but that doesn't mean she didn't love you too." Ben told him. Richard offered him a confused frown. "You think she resented you? Maybe even harbored a little jealously towards you?"
"I know I would if the roles were reversed."
"But you were her Lord Rahl. You saved her. Gave her a life worth living. She loved you, Richard. Never doubt that. An argument can be made that she even loved you more than she loved Kahlan."
"Thank you, Ben." The Seeker clapped the man on the back affectionately. "I'm glad she had a friend like you." An idea popped into his head suddenly. "I think I might know what'll make Kahlan feel better."
"Time travel?" Ben asked skeptically, unsure whether the Mother Confessor's mood could be improved at the moment. Richard shook his head.
"Help me get the journey book and I'll show you."
